03x12 - Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Young Sheldon - Who are you?

- I'm Paige.

A unique child can require a lot of attention.

Try all the attention.

Barry and I haven't been in a good place in a long time.

This is oddly reminiscent of a dinner with my family.

Do you think Stone Age parents stayed together forever?

They had to.

There were no lawyers.

Well, I think my parents are getting a divorce.

- Why?

- They fight all the time.

- About what?

- Mostly me.

I guess I'm lucky.

Why?

I'm the glue that holds our family together.

No more coffee?

Last cup.

Well, you mind making more?

I just sat down.

But you finished the pot.

George, if I wanted to make a cup of coffee, I'd have stayed at my house.

Mmm.

One day I'm gonna put you in a home, and I'm gonna smile just like that.

That's fine.

By then I won't know who you are anyway.

Guess who is getting a divorce.

About time.

Congrats.

Linda and Barry Swanson.

Who's that?

A-And can you tell me how to make coffee?

- They're Paige's parents.

- Who?

The little smart girl.

Apparently she's taking the divorce really hard.

I guess she's been having trouble in school.

Aw, poor thing.

Linda thinks Sheldon might be a good influence, you know, maybe rub off on her a little bit.

What, she wants her kid to be more like Sheldon?

I don't know what to say about that.

So, good news.

Paige is gonna spend the weekend with us.

ADULT SHELDON: My history with Paige brought up complicated feelings.

She challenged me.

Do you know if you'll be doing a full-color octet calculation with matrix manipulations?

I know you're in my spot.

ADULT SHELDON: She disturbed me.

Hi, Sheldon!

ADULT SHELDON: She enraged me.

Checkmate.

ADULT SHELDON: Things were simpler for my simple-minded sister.

Yay!

Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man I am a mighty little man.

Shelly, I got you something.

SHELDON: The Professor Proton Science Kit!

Wait a minute.

Last time you gave me a present for no reason, I had to get a booster sh*t.

Nothing like that.

I was just thinking, it might be a fun thing for you to share with Paige.

Sharing.

Sometimes I feel like you don't know me.

Paige is having a rough time at home right now, and I think she could really use a friend.

A crocodile could really use a meal, but that doesn't mean I should leap into his mouth.

Shelly, I am asking you to do this for me.

ADULT SHELDON: This was the woman who cut the crusts off my sandwiches.

She had me.

Into the mouth I go.

Unskinny bop Just blows me away, yeah Why haven't you mowed the lawn?

I been busy.

- Well, you're not busy now.

- (EXHALES)

I'm working out.

Got the word "work" right there in it.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Get out there and mow.

Why?

I'm making good money.

I don't need an allowance, so I don't need to do chores.

It's not about that.

You're part of this family, you still need to help out.

So I'm just here to do your bidding?

Well, and people say Sheldon's a genius.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I just want to remind you both to please be sensitive about the situation with Paige's family.

She's talking to you, dingus.

Both of you.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hi, come in.

- Hello.

Hi, Missy.

Hi, Sheldon.

What did you do to your hair?

Is this because your parents got divorced?

- (SIGHS)

- Dingus.

LINDA: Well, she just really wanted to, and I thought, you know, under the circumstances, - why not?

- Well, I think it looks great.

- So, can I have pink ?

- No.

Why don't you kids go play?

I'd rather have pink hair than together parents.

PAIGE: I don't blame you.

Well, it's about time.

Hi, Mr.

Cooper!

Billy.

What are you doing?

- (TURNS MOTOR OFF)

- I'm mowing the lawn.

- What are you doing?

- Did Georgie put you up to this?

Yeah.

He's paying me.

That dummy.

I'm raising the money to buy a Jet Ski.

I mean, I'm thrilled that he's gone, but I do worry about how it's affecting Paige.

Of course.

You and George have such a beautiful family.

I think it's good for her to be around that right now.

Oh.

Hey.

Nice to see you.

Sorry about the divorce.

I got to go yell at my idiot son.

Georgie!

Where are you?

You look great, by the way.

Oh, thanks.

I started smoking again.

- (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)

What the hell's wrong with you?

You think it's okay for Billy Sparks to do your work?

I paid him.

I tried to give him two dollars, but he only wanted one.

Damn it, Georgie, I'm trying to teach you responsibility.

You can't just buy your way out of everything in life.

You sure?

'Cause I'll give you ten bucks to leave me alone right now.

Go mow the lawn.

I'm not gonna say it again.

Fine.

But I'm only doing this so you'll get off my back.

Oh, you'll know when I'm on your back, little man.

Now we can be hair twins.

Paige, you're supposed to be doing science with me.

That's boring.

I want to do something dangerous.

This is dangerous.

We don't have an eye wash station.

- Let's go to the mall.

- Mom doesn't like the mall.

She says the mannequins don't have enough clothes on, but I think it's 'cause we're poor.

We are poor.

I do our taxes.

Don't worry.

I'll ask her.

Ever since my parents got divorced, people can't say no to me.

My mom promised she would take me to the mall to get me a new backpack, but she was so busy cleaning my dad's stuff out of the garage - that I think she forgot.

- Oh.

Of course I can take you.

Anything you need.

Thank you, Mrs.

Cooper.

Will you marry me?

Why are you taking a backpack to the mall?

This is my mall safety kit.

Earplugs to drown out crowd noise, Wet-Naps to wipe down escalator handrails, a compass, a map of the mall, and a whistle, in case I get lost or approached by a woman holding a perfume bottle.

You want to stuff him in there, right?

No.

(MOUTHS)

Okay, Paige, where should we go to get your backpack?

The Hello Kitty store.

I would help you find it, but this subpar mall map isn't even oriented north.

Let's go.

All right, have fun at the Hello Kitty store, and meet me at the fountain in half an hour.

Just to be clear, there are no actual kitties, right?

I can't imagine talking to my dad the way this kid talks to me.

I'd have had a belt on my backside so fast My dad was a hugger.

I had to tell him three times to mow the lawn, and he still gave me attitude.

He's going to school, holding down a job.

If he was my kid, I'd be proud of him.

I am proud of him.

When he's not being a total pain in my ass.

You ever tell him you're proud?

He knows.

I think it's important for children to hear it.

You don't even have kids.

I teach and coach teenage boys.

I also put up with your childish nonsense.

Georgie's just being so damn disrespectful, I don't want to reward that.

All right.

My father never said he was proud of me.

I turned out just fine.

George, I'm just trying to have a nice day, make some white folks uncomfortable.

Can you please?

Bela Lugosi's dead This isn't the Hello Kitty store.

No.

It's Hot Topic.

- What's the topic, devil worship?

- Hey, did you know there's a bow tie section in the back?

Why would they hide that in the back?

- Ooh.

- What's that?

Body glitter.

That's so much better than regular glitter.

Then buy it.

I don't have any money.

Then steal it.

No, my mom would k*ll me.

Fine.

Your mom can't punish me.

SHELDON: I didn't see any bow ties, just a shirt with a bad word on it.

- What did you put in your pocket?

- Nothing.

Are you guys stealing?

Because if you are, I am prepared to literally blow the whistle on you Okay.

Okay.

Relax, we were just playing around.

- Let's just get out of here.

- Good.

Everyone behind the counter has an earring where an earring does not belong.

Hey, Vern, looks like you're turning into quite the little shopper.

Hey.

I've already mowed the lawn.

I know.

Thanks for doing that.

So what do you want?

Well, I was thinking you and I could go grab a burger.

Why?

'Cause I thought it'd be a nice thing to do.

Which restaurant?

Why does it matter?

Well, McDonald's burgers are fried, and sometimes I like flame-broiled.

Fine, we can go to Burger King.

I don't like the fries at Burger King.

Ooh, Arby's has those curly fries.

sh**t, they don't have burgers.

Then let's go to Whataburger.

Okay, but I hope you're not this cranky the whole meal.

(EXHALES)

So, we haven't really had a chance to talk much lately.

Why is it so hot in here?

AC's busted.

Why don't you get it fixed?

'Cause I got better things to spend my money on.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is, even though I'm not loving your attitude lately, I think it's great you got this job and y-you're doing so well at it.

I'm proud of you.

All right.

That's all you have to say?

Well, maybe if I wasn't sweating my balls off, I could think of something else.

Just stick your head out the window.

If it's about money, I've got money.

It can even be a loan if it makes you feel better.

Don't you dare.

You said you're proud of my job.

I don't think you are.

You know what?

Forget lunch.

Let's just go home.

Smart.

Save some money for your truck.

That's it.

You're walking.

ADULT SHELDON: I had survived a perilous trip to the accessory store, but it turned out, the real accessory was me.

I can't believe you stole.

You walked out with it.

You stole.

Why would I steal glitter?

I already have a sparkling personality.

Tell it to the cops.

Or your cellmate.

You're so smart.

Why are you acting like this?

Maybe I don't want to be smart.

I have to sit down.

Being smart sucks.

It's the reason we moved here from Arkansas, a-and my parents never yelled at each other before that.

It's just better to be normal.

It works for me.

But I also have good cheekbones.

You swim here?

Dad kicked me out of his truck.

I had to walk back.

(CHUCKLES)

What dumb thing did you say or do?

How do you know I'm the one who did something dumb?

'Cause you kind of shine at it.

All I did is offer to pay to fix his AC.

And there it is.

Dumb.

What's wrong with that?

Your dad is a grown man.

He doesn't want his kid giving him money.

So he's glad I'm making money, but I'm not allowed to use that money to help him out?

- I don't get it.

- Well, someday, when you have a bunch of sweaty, mullet-headed kids running around, you will.

Oh, I ain't never having kids.

Well, that's the smartest thing I ever heard you say.

Thank you.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(LINE RINGING)

STURGIS (OVER PHONE): John Sturgis at your service.

Dr.

Sturgis, Sheldon Cooper.

Hello, Sheldon.

How are you doing?

Confused, upset, annoyed, and potentially in trouble with the law.

Well, in which order would you like to handle this?

Let's start with confused, but if we hear sirens approaching, we'll jump ahead.

Great.

What's on your mind?

Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?

So I would be short, lonely and stupid?

No, that seems worse.

Why do you ask?

Do you remember Paige?

Of course, brilliant little girl.

I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.

Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis.

Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?

I'm confused.

So am I.

How do I make her understand that being smart is the best?

Might I suggest, instead of trying to fix her problem, you just listen?

When I was in the psychiatric ward, I learned that people who are struggling emotionally often just need to be heard.

Hmm.

Sounds difficult, but I suppose I could try.

Another thing I learned in the hospital is that some people believe there are weird mole men living in tunnels deep inside the earth.

Well, this has been mostly helpful.

And you're mostly welcome.

You made it.

Yeah, I made it.

Sorry.

No problem.

Ow.

Ow.

Is there a way to do this so it doesn't hurt?

No.

Beauty is pain.

Boy George must really suffer.

Missy, I need a moment with Paige.

Make it quick.

I'm only half-beautiful.

Yeah?

I'm listening.

To what?

To you.

I'm not saying anything.

Well, if you wanted to say anything, I'd be listening.

But I don't want to say anything.

And I don't want to be listening, but here we are.

Are you feeling better yet?

You're being weird, and not in the usual way.

Guess that's my life now.

What do you mean?

Everyone is acting weird.

My mom is going on dates and my dad is acting like a child.

My sister's crying all the time.

I just wish that everything could go back to the way it was.

I don't think it will.

ADULT SHELDON: It turned out I was really good at listening.

The trick is to sit there, and when you want to leave, don't.

I have to live in two separate houses.

And my grandma says the meanest things about my dad.

I know that everyone is upset that I'm not doing well in school.

It's just hard to care.

Everything that used to seem important to me just doesn't anymore.

So I guess, really, I just feel alone.

That sounds hard.

Yeah it is.

ADULT SHELDON: Dr.

Sturgis was right.

There was nothing I could do to fix this, or so I thought.

Can I offer you a hot beverage?

That would be nice.

Be right back.

ADULT SHELDON: The "Hot Beverage of Comfort" would become my go-to method of dealing with someone in emotional distress.

And it always worked.

Except when my wife was in labor, where it was suggested I throw it in my own face.

- What you doing?

- Paige is feeling sad, so I'm making her a hot beverage.

Oh.

You're a good kid.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

ADULT SHELDON: Of all my accomplishments, I don't know why he singled this moment out, but I'm glad he did.

Sup?

I sparkle Loving the way that I do It is true I feel so good Just having you Breathlessly And eager Submission isn't easy.