01x09 - Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia

The Enterprise is preparing to leave Beta III in star system C-111.

Sociologist Lindstrom is remaining behind with a party of experts who will help restore the planet's culture to a human form.

The Late Landru, Captain.

A marvelous feat of engineering.

A computer capable of directing the lives of millions of human beings.

But only a machine, Mr.

Spock.

The original Landru programmed it with all his knowledge, but he couldn't give it his wisdom, his compassion, his understanding, his soul.

I prefer the concrete, the graspable, the provable.

You'd make a splendid computer, Mr.

Spock.

That is very kind of you, Captain.

That's humorous, because Spock is half human and half Vulcan.

But he's ashamed of his human side.

That's why I identify with him.

Good luck.

I gravitate a little more towards Kirk.

Why?

Be-cause...

everything he says...

he makes sound so im-portant.

I should hope so...

He's the captain.

Sheldon.

Do me a favor.

Go help your brother study for his math test tomorrow.

Is that really a good use of my time?

Come on.

I'm asking nice.

If he doesn't pass, he won't be able to play football.

You realize he's often mean to me.

So?

Your mother's mean to me.

I still try to be helpful.

Does she break wind on your head?

Because that's what Georgie does to me.

Can you help me out here?

I'll do it if you take me to the train store.

You got it.

And buy me whatever I want.

Connie, what are you doing?

Just providing my grandson with financial guidance.

Don't mock the captain.

If Georgie passes his test, I'll get you whatever you want...

Under 20 bucks.

Deal.

Why?

I guess I like him better than you.

Georgie?

- What?

- Dad told me to help you study for the math test.

I don't need your help.

Get lost.

Georgie, let him help you!

Fine.

Come in!

Oh, dear.

What's your problem?

No problem.

I'll just...

tidy while we talk.

Help yourself.

Before we start, I'd like to get a sense - of how much algebra you know.

- 'Kay.

Do you understand solving and graphing - linear inequalities?

- Sure.

Great.

Explain it to me.

Uh...

first you solve 'em...

and then you graph 'em.

And how do you do that?

Uh, you know, carefully.

Excuse me.

$20 isn't gonna do it.

== Re-synced by MaxPayne == So you collect all the terms linear in X.

See?

Simple.

Maybe for you.

No, it's simple for everybody.

Now you collect all the terms linear in Y.

I don't get it.

Try this.

Close your eyes.

- 'Kay.

- Can you see the slope of the line given by the coefficients of X and Y?

No.

What do you see?

Darkness.

Try harder.

Wait.

I see Elle Macpherson in a bikini.

Ooh, it just fell off.

- Dad!

- I'll make it $40!

Keep going!

Maybe the problem is you're not a good teacher.

Unlikely.

Regardless, I am your only hope.

What do you see when you close your eyes?

I see quadrant one as red, quadrant two is soft and plush...

quadrant three smells like lavender, and quadrant four is overlaid with a Fibonacci spiral.

That's really weird.

No.

What's really weird is doing simple algebra and thinking about a girl in a bikini.

I disagree.

Dad!

Keep going.

And when you divide by a negative number, you have to reverse the direction of the inequality.

I'm tired.

I'm going to bed.

But we're not done.

You're going to fail.

I get enough of what you said.

I'll be fine.

It was at that moment I decided I was not cut out for teaching.

I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was wonderful at everything else.

Take one and pass it back.

Take one and pass it back.

As you all know, this test'll count for 25% of your final grade.

Be sure to show all your work.

If you get stuck on a question, move on and come back to it at the end.

And I shouldn't have to say this, but if there's any cheating, I will see it.

I got eyes in the back of my head.

I got more eyes than a potato.

Ms. Ingram?

- Yeah, Sheldon.

- I'm done.

What?

I enjoyed it very much.

I'll take another if you have one.

No, I don't have another one.

J-Just read ahead in the textbook.

Oh, boy.

Seeing my brother struggle was difficult for me.

As his tutor, I took his failure personally, almost as if I had failed.

Which was odd, because I knew how dumb he was.

Georgie, how'd you do on that math test today?

It was tough.

I don't know.

I'm sorry I wasn't more help.

Me, too.

That's all right, baby, you tried.

Yeah.

It's okay, baby.

I don't understand what went wrong.

Is there any chance you drank alcohol when you were pregnant with Georgie?

No!

Well, don't be so high-and-mighty.

I drank when I was pregnant with you.

You turned out fine.

These days everybody's like, "Don't drink, don't smoke." I swear.

Texas is turning into California.

You realize there's nothing I can do if you fail.

You're off the team.

I know.

Well, I'm gonna ask Jesus to help you get a good grade on that test.

Shouldn't you have asked him before he took it?

The man rose from the dead...

I think he can fix a test after the fact.

You know, I hear you say things like that, and I wonder if maybe I did have a few too many whiskey sours when you were in my belly.

Not me, but not bad.

I would say "A" for effort, but...

that's an "F." What?

How bad is it?

You got a "B." Are you kidding?

I don't believe it.

Me, neither.

Me, neither.

So, I guess I have to rethink my abilities.

Clearly, I'm a wonderful teacher.

Georgie didn't pass because of you.

What do you mean?

He cheated.

He had the answers written on the bottom of his shoe.

He wouldn't do that.

When you cheat in school, you only cheat yourself.

Where'd you get that?

An inspirational poster outside the boys' room.

I saw what I saw, Sheldon.

Well, if this is true, he needs to turn himself in.

That'll never happen.

He'll get kicked off the team.

I'm sorry, I can't accept this.

There must be another explanation.

If you don't believe me, look at his shoes.

I will.

This is quite a workout.

You dirty bird.

What are you doing in here?

You cheated.

No, I didn't.

I'm holding the evidence.

Let me see that.

I don't see nothin'.

That's obstruction of justice, as well as disgusting.

Oh, relax.

By passing that test, I get to play football, and you get to go to the train store.

Everybody wins.

But what about the truth?

What about it?

It's supposed to set us free.

Who told you that?

The Bible.

Since when do you care about what's in the Bible?

When it helps me win an argument.

The Bible also says honor thy father and thy mother.

And if you open your mouth, you're gonna make them sad.

He had me.

Somehow, the mullet-headed simpleton had me.

This isn't over.

Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do?

All right, maybe it's over.

Meemaw?

I assume you've read the Surgeon General's report on the dangers of smoking?

I'm gonna wait till they turn it into a movie.

Is that your new train?

Yes.

It's my reward for helping Georgie pass the math test.

You don't seem too happy about it.

I don't feel like I earned it.

Why not?

Can you keep a secret?

Well, at my age, the question is can I remember one.

Try me.

Georgie cheated on the test.

Oh.

And nothing bad happened.

He gets to stay on the football team, Mom and Dad are proud of him, I even got a train for helping.

So you're feeling guilty.

Very much so.

Well, that's a real conundrum.

Have you been reading the Word of the Day calendar I gave you for your birthday?

Indubitably.

So what do you think?

I don't think you should let it bother you very much.

I mean, there's always gonna be people in this world who are playing fast and loose with the rules.

And your brother's one of them.

That's how Captain Kirk is on Star Trek.

Well, there you go, and he's, like, the main guy on that show.

No, Mr.

Spock is the main guy.

I stand corrected.

Although Kirk is usually the one who saves the Enterprise.

Because he doesn't always follow the rules?

He even cheated on a test when he was a cadet.

The Kobayashi Maru.

The what?

Kobayashi Maru.

Kirk is a legend because of it.

Ko-Kobayashi Maru.

Sounds like something you eat at Benihana's.

Have you ever been to one of those?

They make you sit with strangers.

It's crazy.

Do you think a Spock could become a Kirk?

Well, in my experience, most people stay the miserable bastards they are their whole entire life.

But...


I have seen some folks change.

Hmm.

All right.

Well, I'm gonna go play with this train.

You do that.

Georgie?

- Go away.

- I need to ask a favor.

What?

It's private.

Can I come in?

Come on.

Ugh.

What do you want?

It occurs to me you have something in common with Captain Kirk.

We both have cool hair?

In order to succeed, you both play fast and loose with the rules.

Yeah, I suppose we do.

When you cheated on the math test, what was your strategy?

Well, I guess the most important part was not stepping on anything wet before the test.

And not getting an "A." Why wouldn't you want an "A"?

'Cause that would raise suspicions.

Who would believe I got an "A"?

Wow.

Tell me more.

Okay, when you're telling a lie, it's important to throw in some details.

Like, when I was wanted to spend the night at Ricky's house, and Mom asked me if his mom and dad were gonna be home, I said, not only are they be gonna be home, his dad was gonna teach us how to cook turkey legs in the smoker.

I like turkey legs.

Were they good?

There weren't any turkey legs, you dope.

His parents were in Branson.

That's incredible.

I totally believed you.

Details.

Now get out of here, I got to finish reading this.

Thank you, Georgie, that was very helpful.

Did you hear that?

What?

Sounds like Georgie and Sheldon are getting along.

Really?

That can't be right.

I just heard it.

Maybe there's hope for those two after all.

Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.

Honey, I'm-I'm watching this.

So you'll have to find someone else to hold your ankles in P.E.

today.

I'm sorry, what?

I've suffered a terrible injury and won't be able to attend.

What happened?

See for yourself.

"Dear Coach Wilkins, please excuse my son, Sheldon, from P.E.

He has experienced a testicular hernia, and needs to rest for the next six to eight weeks.

Sincerely, Mary Cooper." Testicular hernia?

That's called details.

Ooh, that's rough.

Hmm.

How'd it happen?

It's hard to say, but some risk factors include: heavy lifting, a chronic cough and repetitive straining during bowel movements.

I've been there.

Hmm.

All right.

Guess I'll see you in...

six to eight weeks.

I don't know if other supervillains started their careers by getting out of P.E., but that's where I began.

Emboldened by my faux hernia, I started taking books out of the library...

without getting the cards stamped.

You didn't check out those books.

I know.

Before you judge me too harshly, I always brought them back on time.

I was a rule-breaker, not a lunatic.

But perhaps my most satisfying transgression was duping my sister into relinquishing control of the TV.

Hello.

What's that for?

Oh, this?

I was just digging for money in Meemaw's backyard.

There's money there?

Oh, yes.

I already found 75 cents.

Who do you think left it?

If I were to guess, I'd say pirates with holes in their pockets.

Can I use your shovel?

Be my guest.

Oh, baby, I'm gonna be rich.

Today, we're going to learn about Sir Isaac Newton.

Hello, old friend.

One of the world's greatest scientists...

See you tomorrow, Wayne.

You have a good one, George.

Hey, how's your son doing?

Georgie?

No, the smart one.

He's fine.

Why?

What about the hernia?

What hernia?

The one your wife said he had.

Happened to me while I was in the Army.

I was in a bar in Georgia, tried to lift up this big gal.

Swear I could hear something pop down there.

Sheldon gave you this note?

Yeah.

I didn't write this.

You sure?

Looks like your handwriting.

It's got that little swoopy thing going on.

I didn't write it.

And I think I'd know if my son had a hernia.

So what, Sheldon forged a letter to get out of P.E?

Looks like it.

How about that.

Don't be proud of him.

Can't help it.

First time he ever seemed like my kid.

Do you have any idea what's gotten into him?

I might.

Well?

Have you ever heard of...

Mobokachi Kaboom?

Wait.

Koshimaki Magoo.

Wait a minute, I'm gonna get this.

"Dear Professor Proton, I would very much like to meet you, and I only have three weeks to live.

Please come visit me here in Medford, Texas.

Sincerely, Sheldon Cooper.

P.S.

My Meemaw makes excellent brisket." Sheldon.

Would you like to explain this note?

Well?

I was trying to be more like Georgie.

That's a dumb idea.

We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

Well, let me start by saying how very sorry I am.

Despite my explanation that I was embracing my inner Kirk, my mother had me make amends for all my misdeeds.

Starting in the library, where I had to reshelve hundreds of books.

Well, to be honest, that one was a hoot.

The amends got worse when Coach Wilkins made me climb the rope.

Lacking any upper body strength, I hung there like a salami in a deli window.

And finally, I had to apologize to my meemaw, who was an unfortunate victim of my sister's treasure hunt.