01x12 - A Computer, A Plastic Pony, and A Case of Beer

[bunniefuu]

I program my home computer Beam myself into the future.

Power has always been a deadly narcotic, and in 1989, RadioShack's Tandy 1000 SL was my drug of choice.

With an Intel 8086 running at eight megahertz and a fiveandaquarterinch floppy drive, there was nothing I couldn't do.

From adding snazzy graphics to my homework...

So snazzy.

To easily alphabetizing my list of enemies and their crimes.

So easy.

Sheldon, time to go.

We really need to get one of these.

What on earth do we need a computer for?

Yeah, we got you and your big head.

But we can get so much accomplished.

I could use a spreadsheet program to keep track of your expenses.

I do that in the back of my checkbook.

Yes, but does your checkbook go "beep" when you open it?

I don't think so.

Plus, the computer can organize your recipes.

But my recipes are organized.

On index cards.

Like a cave person.

Cave Mom.

I'm gonna call you that.

It doesn't matter, Sheldon.

We can't afford a computer.

Sure we can.

It's only $998, and Dave says we can buy it on easy monthly payments.

That's true.

Stay out of this, Dave.

Come on.

We got to get home.

But...

Sheldon, I said no.

I can make you a good deal on the floor model, Mrs. Cooper.

Seriously, Dave, you're getting on my nerves.

It's not fair.

You bought Missy a Ring Pop.

For ten cents.

And I'm worth every penny.

Let's go.

Sorry, Dave.

We're living paycheck to paycheck.

Move!

Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man I am a mighty little man.

RadioShack.

RadioShack.

Here it is, the Tandy 1000 SL computer system.

Sheldon was going on and on about that thing today.

I've never seen one so easy to use.

Greetings.

Need directions back to your planet?

This technology is more advanced than we thought.

You know that movie E.T.?

The kid who finds him, his name is Elliott, which starts with an "E" and ends with a "T." Coincidence?

I don't think so.

You're gonna live with us forever, aren't you?

So, Sheldon wants a computer?

Ever since he could talk.

But now more than ever.

Well, he should get a job after school.

Save up and buy one.

Get a job?

He's nine.

I mowed lawns when I was his age.

Made pretty good money.

You want Sheldon to mow lawns?

He's so pale, five minutes in the sun, he'd burst into flames.

I would pay to see that.

Shut up, Georgie.

I hope you told him we can't afford it.

Of course.

I could buy it for him, and then y'all could pay me back when you can.

Okay, Connie, now you're just insulting me.

Well, that was not my intention, but I'm glad to hear it.

I can pay my own bills and take care of my family.

There are expenses we could cut back on so we could afford a computer.

You mean like the money you give to church?

No, I mean like the money you give to the Lone Star Beer company.

Good one, Mom.

Shut up.

Shut up, pumpkin.

Shut up.

We're not getting a computer.

We don't need your money.

Where are you going?

To get a... glass of milk.

He's lying.

He's getting a beer.

Shut up, Georgie.

Mom?

Why are you still up?

Madame Curie is on the roof, You're just dreaming, baby.

But she'll be cold without her hat.

I'll give her mine.

Now you go to sleep.

Thanks, Mom.

You're the best.

Lord.

I'm guessing we're not having our onceaweek.

Sorry, I only have relations with gentlemen I like.

Come on.

You know how I feel about your mother meddlin' in our finances.

She wasn't meddlin', she was offering to help.

And that computer is not some silly toy.

Sheldon could use it for his schoolwork, and I could use it to... organize my recipes.

You already got 'em organized on those little cards.

Yeah, like a cave person.

Well, it doesn't matter.

We can't afford it, end of story.

Not exactly end of story.

What's that mean?

I've been setting money aside the last couple of years, and this might be a good use for it.

Money from what?

You know, here and there.

Bookkeeping for the church, some seamstress work, birthday money from my Aunt Zelda.

And just how much of this "here and there" money you got saved up?

Well, seeing as it's my money, I don't think that's any of your business.

: None of my business?

You see every nickel I make, and you got secret money?

It's not secret.

I just told you.

Where you hiding it?

Well, now you're headed into secret territory.

Okay.

Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money.

That's right.

Good to know.

I'm glad we're not having our onceaweek 'cause I am not in the mood.

Really?

That's too bad.

Why.

No!

That was uncalled for.

Love can make you weep...

I forgot to tell you, a girl called for you.

What girl?

I don't know.

A girl.

Well, what'd she say?

It's hard to remember.

This was months ago.

Hey.

Two cases?

You've got to be kidding me.

Don't worry, I didn't use your money.

I used mine.

Something so strong...

Finish your dinner and then pack a bag.

We are going to Meemaw's.

Why?

Because your mom and dad need a break from each other.

For how long?

I don't know.

Just pack.

Will I need earmuffs?

Sure, if you want.

Although my almanac does predict mild temperatures.

Then don't bring it.

I'll just bring my almanac.

You know what, I'll bring both.

Should I pack my toothbrush or use the one I keep at Meemaw's?

I got this one.

Nobody cares.

I don't want to go to Meemaw's house.

What if that girl calls back?

Fine, then stay here with your father.

Sheldon and Missy, we are out of here in half an hour.

Not a lot of time to pick a toothbrush.

Come on in.

Mom and Dad need a break.

We don't know how long.

First and ten in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter...

I ain't never getting married.

That so?

Yeah.

Women are nothing but trouble.

I'll get it!

Hello, Georgie speaking.

Did you run to the phone?

Do you feel stupid?

Who was it?

Nobody.

This little tiff between your mom and me will blow over.

Don't make a big deal of it.

I'm not.

I'm just saying I'm better suited to the single life.

And how do you picture that?

Okay, well, you know the buffet at Golden Corral, where there's all kinds of choices and you can have as much as you want?

Yeah.

It'll be like that, only with hot girls.

Georgie, I'll bet you a thousand dollars you're married before you're 25.

You got a bet.

I feel like I'm stealing your money.

Georgie married his first wife at 19.

He never paid my father.

Well, I got to tell you how happy I am that y'all are spending the night with me.

Your house smells like cigarettes.

So happy.

Sheldon, we've talked about this.

You don't need to announce to people how things smell.

All right, you two, settle in.

Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?

Of course not.

Are you sure?

Packing up your kids in the middle of the night and moving in with your mom has all the earmarks of a divorce.

We're not getting a divorce.

Okay, go to sleep.

Sweet dreams.

I can't believe Mom and Dad had a fight over beer.

I don't think the fight was about beer.

I think there was more subtext.

You're probably right.

Then again, I don't know what subtext is.

I don't want to get in your business, but since you're getting in my bed, I'm getting in your business.

Go ahead.

When you leaving?

Very funny.

That wasn't a joke.

I love you, and I love the kids, but I love you better living across the street.

Sorry the end of my marriage is inconveniencing you.

Don't be so dramatic.

It's a little spat.

No, this was a long time coming.

This goes to the very core of our relationship.

I see we're sticking with dramatic.

The minute he found out I had money set aside, he felt threatened.

And you know why?

'Cause it meant that I can live independent of him.

Sleeping in your mommy's bed?

You know what I mean.

You gonna buy Sheldon that computer?

Well, now I have to.

Got it.

You do know I still have an active love life.

Just go to sleep.

On this very bed.

Mom.

What's for breakfast?

I don't know.

Grab a bowl of cereal.

Mom usually makes us eggs and toast and the occasional meat.

Well, Mom isn't here, is she?

Whoa.

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

And you had a choice 'cause you had the whole bed.

Georgie.

Walking on thin ice.

Maybe you should go across the street and apologize.

I can't do that.

Why not?

'Cause if I do, it sets a bad precedent.

What's Nixon got to do with it?

What?

You said "bad president," like Nixon.

You know, this guy.

You going to apologize?

Dad!

Dad!

If you are, bring back meat!

Hey.

I hope you're happy.

Thank you, Georgie.

That's very kind.

Mom and Dad are fighting because you want to get a stupid computer.

What are you talking about?

Mom wanted to buy it for you, Dad said they couldn't afford it, Meemaw offered to pay for it, and now I'm eating pineapple spears for lunch.

I hate making my own lunch.

I'm sorry, Georgie, I didn't know.

Yeah, well, now you do.

What did you get?

A turkey sandwich Mom cut in the shape of a heart, a fruit cup, a brownie, and a note from Meemaw saying how much she loves me.

I haven't read it yet, but I bet it's a lot.

I don't even have a can opener.

Sugar Apple, I love you so much.

Your affection for inanimate objects frightens me.

I'm glad you're happy, Missy.

Well, now, we're not exactly done shopping.

Sheldon, you still want that computer?

I thought we couldn't afford it.

Don't you worry about that.

Do you want it or not?

More than anything.

All right, then, let's go get it.

Wait.

He gets a computer and I get a lousy toy?

I thought you liked it.

Not anymore.

Where's the water come out of?

Well, seeing as that's the dryer, nowhere.

So this one's the washer?

No foolin' you.

What are you doing?

Separating the whites from the colors.

Whoa, that's r*cist.

How did I get a rocket scientist for one son and a rodeo clown for the other?

Man.

I'd give anything to be a rodeo clown.

They make people happy, and they see the rodeo for free.

The home computer I had long coveted was finally in my possession, but it was also destroying my home.

Thankfully, it came preloaded with a program to help solve personal problems.

Hello, I am Eliza.

My...

parents...

are...

fighting...

a lot.

I see.

Can you elaborate on that?

My mother...

bought...

me...

this...

computer...

but...

my dad...

says...

we can't...

afford it.

Do you have issues with your mother?

No.

She...

makes me...

spaghetti...

with hot dogs...

cut up in it.

Can you elaborate on that?

Are you...

going to help me or not?

Hello, I am Eliza.

The future might be overrated.

Okay, water's definitely on.

Try it now.

We want delicate or regular?

It doesn't matter, just turn it on.

Let's go with delicate to be safe.

Nothin'.

Damn it.

Wait, I know what to do.

What?

Go across the street and apologize to Mom.

I got nothin' to apologize for.

You don't have to mean it.

I never do.

Georgie, just mind your business.

Okay, sorry.

In case you were wondering, I didn't mean that.

See how easy it is?

These home computers are amazing.

I could start a real bookkeeping business with that thing.

And that would go a long way to giving you the financial independence you're looking for.

Darn tootin'.

Just for your information, Sheldon is using the computer right now to try and fix your marriage.

Really?

What did it say?

It said... : "Get out of your mother's house." Mom.

I'm serious.

I want a cigarette, and I'm tired of hiding behind the garage.

You think I should apologize to George?

Well, of course not.

That would set a terrible precedent.

I think you should go back over there to pick up some clothes for the kids and be all cold and distant, so he has to apologize to you.

That's not bad.

Do it.

I will.

Why you drinking tea?

: Get out.

Hello.

Hey.

Were you coming back, or...?

Just to get some clothes for the kids.

Were you coming to talk to me?

Well...

yeah.

I, um...

wanted to apologize.

Really?

Want to go for a walk?

Talk a little?

Sure.

Hey, kids, come here.

Look at that.

It looks like your mom and dad are gonna be all right.

Does this mean we're going home?

It appears so.

I didn't even get to wear my earmuffs yet.

And this program will allow us to track our family finances, create a budget, and prepare tax documents.

That's impressive.

Would you like to know how much money you spend on beer annually?

No.

I would.

$936.

George.

If you switched to Hawaiian Punch, we could live in a bigger house.

Hello, I am Eliza.

I study nuclear science Eliza...

I got a crazy teacher.

Are...

you...

hot?

In your fantasies, am I hot?

Yes.

You realize you're not talking to a real person.

Hey, get out of here.

I'm about to score.

Missy!

Turn off the computer.

Time to go to bed.

I got to finish my homework!

Big money, big money.

Things are going great.

Yes!

I'm doing all right Getting good grades The future's so bright I gotta wear shades.

Hello?

I gotta wear shades.

Hello?

I gotta wear shades.

What?

What?

Nothin'.

Button you pull, that's stupid.