01x13 - A Sneeze, Detention, and Sissy Spacek

[bunniefuu]

A simile directly compares two things, using the words "like" and "as." "I slept like a log." "I'm hungry as a horse." "Your love is like bad medicine." Exactly.

That's Bon Jovi.

Okay.

His hair is awesome.

Moving on.

Metaphors are different from similes.

I've been called a germophobe, but I do find a single sneeze acceptable.

It could be caused by dust, allergies...

Really, whatever nasal irritant floats your boat.

However...

during flu season...

a second sneeze means a plague is upon the land, and it's every man for himself.

Where do you think you're going?

Away from you.

Why's that?

I want to live.

I'm not sick.

Get back in your seat.

No, thank you.

You know the rules.

You can't leave without a hall pass.

May I have a hall pass?

No, you may not.

Now get back in your seat.

Rules are the pillars of society.

I love rules.

But what benefit are rules to a dead man?

Excuse me.

Do I look like I'm getting sick to you?

You look a little pale.

Okay, good, that's normal.

Now, I understand Sheldon is an exceptional child, all right, but when he willfully disobeys the order of a teacher, there needs to be some consequences here.

We couldn't agree more.

What kind of punishment are you thinking?

Well, Mary, in a case like this, a few days of detention.

Really?

That seems a little harsh.

Detention's no big deal.

Now, my principal used to whup my ass with a paddle.

That got my attention.

Yeah.

Those were the days.

Still have mine.

Ol' Spanky.

Whoa.

- Got a real nice grip on that thing.

- Yeah, George.

Had the equipment manager over at the Astros make this for me.

The holes in it...

cut down on wind resistance.

Smart.

But these days you have to have a consent form to whack the kids.

I don't know where this world's headed.

You ought to get one of those for when Georgie acts up.

Like you never thought about going upside his head with a slab of wood.

You know, there was a time this thing gave me tennis elbow.

Okay, Sheldon, come o...

Where'd he go?

Thataway.

What you doing, kid?!

Enjoy this.

It is, by far, the most athletic two minutes of my entire life.

It's not funny.

Come on, now.

Sheldon in detention...

That's funny.

I actually think it'd be good for him.

He needs to learn he's not special.

But he is special.

You know what I mean.

He can't just walk out of a classroom 'cause he feels like it.

He was worried about catching a cold.

That is a legitimate concern.

And now he's in danger of being mugged by a roomful of hoodlums.

He's not getting mugged.

It's half a dozen kids doing homework while a teacher watches 'em.

Although it might not hurt to give Sheldon a few dollars to buy himself some protection.

That's actually not a bad idea.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Is that chewing tobacco?

It's chocolate Bazooka.

What do you want?

I have detention tomorrow, and I thought you could give me some tips.

That was pretty badass, you walking out of class like that.

It was not my intention to be bad "A" word, but thank you.

The only thing you need to worry about in detention is staying close to the teacher.

If he leaves the room, you go with him.

Why?

'Cause you're gonna get your "A" word kicked.

Are you saying I'll be in physical danger?

It's all the worst kids in school in one room for an hour.

What do you think's gonna happen?

I thought we were gonna spend the time regretting our actions and thinking about how we could be better in the future.

Well, you thought wrong.

Get lost.

You're both mean and nice to me.

It's confusing.

Maybe I'm doing this wrong.

Have you ever been in detention?

No.

But I do take the school bus.

And that is no party.

It's like a mental hospital on wheels.

That's a good use of simile.

Thanks.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

I hope.

Hello.

I'm here for detention.

Where is the teacher?

Not here yet.

I have three dollars.

Feel free to share it with the others.

Would you prefer a piece of paper?

I have some in my briefcase.

It's here if you change your mind.

All right, losers, you know how this works.

One hour, no talking, no horseplay.

Sheldon?

Hello, Mr. Givens.

Why are you here?

I didn't want to catch a cold from Ms.

MacElroy, so I left her classroom without a hall pass.

Well, something is going around.

I actually had a little tickle in my throat.

Okay, time to go.

Nice meeting you.

Whoa, whatwhat are you doing?

You've heard of fight or flight?

This is flight.

Not so funny now, is it?

No.

How long is he suspended for?

A week.

And it goes on his permanent record.

Well, that's no big deal.

I had all kinds of stuff on my permanent high school record.

Didn't stop me from being a bartender for eight years.

I think the real issue we need to deal with is his germ phobia.

Yes, you don't want him turning into Howard Hughes.

Growing his nails out.

Peeing in a jar.

Why would he pee into a jar?

I don't know why he peed in a jar, I just know he did.

I hate to say it, but I think we need help with this.

Like what?

Maybe we could take him to that nice doctor who calmed him down when he was convinced he had an enlarged prostate?

Sheldon only calmed down when the doctor told him what happens in a prostate exam.

Poor thing.

Still talks about it.

Thank you for seeing us, Doctor.

No problem.

So, what do you got today, Sheldon?

Rickets?

Rabies?

Earlyonset menopause?

Is he making a joke?

I believe so.

Humorous.

Sheldon's not sick, but he has become overly concerned with getting a cold or the flu.

Well, any symptoms...

Runny nose, achy, sore throat, fever?

No.

All right, well, Sheldon, if you do catch a cold, or even the flu, it's...

it's not the end of the world.

The flu was the end of the world for half a million Americans during the influenza epidemic of 1918.

- Really?

- In India 17 million people d*ed.

Okay, I think we're getting off the subject.

Doctor, Sheldon is afraid to go to school because he might get exposed to some kind of bacteria or virus.

So he's got a phobia?

It's not a phobia if the thr*at is real.

You're a doctor, you should know that.

Sheldon, you have nothing to worry about.

Even if you did get the flu, it's usually over in a week.

Why are we getting medical advice from a man who smokes?

- Sheldon.

- OOkay, I have patients who are actually sick.

Maybe we should wrap this up.

How come you don't get sick all the time?

Well, I take precautions.

I wash my hands, I wear gloves and a mask.

So, Mom, how was your day?

We're ignoring this?

Okay.

So pretty.

What's going on?

I'm not feeling so good.

Biohazard!

Biohazard!

Sucker.

In national news, an unusually early flu season is buffeting the country.

Doctors say the strain, originating in China, is particularly severe.

Children and the elderly are most at risk.

Sheldon, why are you still up?

We're all gonna die!

About the local cattle...

This isn't funny!

I know, baby, I know.

But you need to understand that sometimes the news says those things just to scare people.

Well, it's working!

Come here.

I know you don't believe in this, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Lord, I pray for my son Sheldon that you protect him from all illness and disease, and keep him healthy and keep him safe, and protect him from his head to his toes, inside and out.

Amen.

You're right.

I don't believe in that.

But it did feel good.

Thanks.

In the Bible, that's called a hedge of protection.

Why do you keep smiling?

You need to look at your mask, baby.

Missy?!

We have to go to school, and Sheldon doesn't?

- That's not fair.

- Sure it is.

Sheldon loves school and can't go.

You hate school and have to.

Fair.

He still has to spend his day doing chores.

Can't sit around playing with his trains.

Yeah, put him to work.

Good parenting, Dad.

I'm glad you approve.

I do.

Where you going?

I'm gonna give Sheldon a list of chores.

You're actually taking my advice?

Yes.

Well, how about that?

Hey, you were due.

Proud of you, George.

Sheldon?

Yes.

The door's locked.

Can you open it?

No.

What on earth?

Hello.

What are you doing?

I made a real germproof hedge of protection.

Honey, you can't stay in there.

I've got a refrigerator, I've got my sleeping bag, and anything else I need I can make out of Legos.

What's with the Halloween costume?

In case of a breach.

Stay right there.

That's my plan.

George?

Just when you think he's gonna zig, you get a big old zag.

It's ridiculous.

I'm...

I'm gonna take it down.

No, you can't force him out of a phobia.

What do we do?

He can't live in there.

Well, actually, he can.

He's got the refrigerator and a sleeping bag.

And he can always go potty in the sink.

I think I'll take the kids to school.

I'm sure he'll be out by the time you get home.

Not sure why you think that, but okay.

Mom?

Yes, Shelly.

Can you close the door?

I need to use the sink.

- Tammy Cook?

- Here.

Georgie Cooper?

Here.

Sheldon Cooper?

Absent.

Where's your brother?

Home.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's just...

Actually, it's not looking good for him.

He might not make it.

That's terrible.

I know.

I love him so much.

If anything ever happened, I don't know what I'd do.

Aw.

Shelly, if you don't mind - me asking, what's your longterm plan here?

- I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a selfsustaining ecosystem.

- Okay.

And what exactly does that mean?

- Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.

This just gets better.

If you're not gonna help, please go inside.

This is not a show.

Now that's where I disagree.

Shelly, baby, please come on out.

I can't.

Come on.

I'm your mommy.

Do it for your mommy.

No.

But I'm your mommy.

Y'all are k*lling me.

"I'm your mommy." I think the saddest part about it is just how sad it is.

Is there anything that we can do?

I don't know.

A hug might help.

Of course.

What's wrong with you two?

Don't you care about my brother?

Aw.

Sheldon.

That's it.

I've had enough of this nonsense.

If you don't come out, I'm coming in!

One, two, three.

Breach!

Breach!

You come here right this instant!

No.

Sheldon!

You can't run away from me forever.

I don't have to do it forever.

Just till you get tired.

Mary, I'm gonna run and go get my video camera.

Don't catch him till I get back.

This is not a joke!

Sheldon, get over here!

Get over here.

Sheldon Lee Cooper, get here.

Right now.

Lord, I think I'm gonna wet myself.

Get!

You come here!

Sheldon Lee Cooper!

Look at that.

St.

Mary drinking alcohol.

God saw what just happened.

He gets it.

Mind if I take a cr*ck at catching the Road Runner?

What are you gonna do that I couldn't do?

A little trick I learned trying to get prairie dogs out of the hole.

Of course we'd whack off their heads with a golf club.

I'm not gonna do that to Sheldon.

Moon Pie, I've got a little treat for you.

Chocolate chip?

Right out of the oven.

Good.

That means they're sterile.

Why don't you come on out here and...

have a couple?

I can't do that.

Okay, I tell you what.

I'm gonna just put 'em right out here, and you can come out and get one when you're ready.

How about that?

I'm gonna put 'em down right...

here.

Aah!

Come on!

Listen to me, buster.

Okay.

You are a lot of things, Sheldon.

You are cute, smart, hygienic.

But most of all...

you...

are a Texan.

So?

So Texans aren't afraid of nothin'!

Rattlesnakes, Indians, the Mexican Army.

Do you imagine that Sam Houston was scared of a little old cold?

No.

Jim Bowie?

No.

Sissy Spacek?

I...

guess not?

You're damn right, because they're Texans through and through.

Now I want you to quit hiding in this plastic bubble, and I want you to come out here and eat your cookies out in the world like a man!

Like a Texan man!

I'm impressed.

Me, too.

I thought I'd lost him at Sissy Spacek.

As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors.

Their blood ran through my veins.

I was a true son of the Lone Star State.

Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system.

I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus.

However, there was a silver lining.

Sing it again, Mom.

First, blow your nose.