01x18 - A Mother, A Child, and A Blue Man's Backside

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what you reading?

A magazine.

Oh.

Making a collage for school?

No, just reading it.

Look at that.

Maybe Sheldon isn't the only bookworm around here.

Which magazine?

- Cosmopolitan.

- What?

It's a magazine for today's woman.

Hey!

I was about to find out what turns a man on.

Where'd you get this?

Heather.

I traded a Fruit Roll-Up for it.

- Well, this is going in the garbage.

- You sure?

It's got some great tips on how to spice up your marriage.

My marriage is fine, thank you.

And you are not to bring filth like this into our house again.

That's not fair.

Sheldon reads dirty stuff all the time, and you don't say anything.

He does not.

Check out the comic book on his desk.

What?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh.

Oh, my.

Hold on.

No.

No.

Th-This blue man's backside is all over the place.

On page 112, you get to see his front side.

Oh!

- I'll be back.

- Where you going?

To give the owner of that comic book store - a piece of my mind!

- Cool.

And then I'm calling Heather's mom!

Aw.

Are there any Vietnamese superheroes?

There's one called Half-Face.

Why?

The communist government forced him to build bombs, and one blew off half his face.

The left half or the right half?

The bottom half.

That's an important half.

Excuse me.

Did you sell this to my son?

I don't know.

Who's your son?

The little boy in the corner.

- Which one?

- Sheldon Cooper.

Oh.

Yeah.

Look at him!

He is the same size as one of the dolls you sell here.

Those are action figures.

Where is your sense of responsibility?

Have you looked inside this book?

Because I have.

At that moment, I felt a subtle heat rising through my body.

I was used to being humiliated by my siblings on a daily basis, but from my mother?

This was new territory.

Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Oh, is that right?

Well, guess what.

I don't care.

And if I catch you doing it again, I'll be back with my husband, he is way scarier than me.

- I doubt that.

- Let's go.

But I came here with Tam.

Tam, you coming or not?

I'm good.

As you can see, I'm not related to them.

And in local weather, the tornado watch issued Tuesday is still in effect for the area.

Stay right here for updates as we get 'em.

I don't understand why you'd even be interested in a book like that.

One of the characters is a scientist who worked on the Manhattan Project.

Well, it's filled with v*olence and nudity, and you are done looking at it.

But comics are a form of art.

You wouldn't forbid me from looking at Michelangelo's David just because he's nude.

When a statue of your naked blue fella is on display at the Vatican, we'll talk.

Actually, David is at the Accademia Gallery in Florence.

Doesn't matter.

I don't want you looking at his bottom either.

Where's Mom?

Chewing out the guy who runs the comic book store.

Why?

She found an inappropriate comic that Sheldon had and went ballistic.

She also took my Cosmo.

What's a Cosmo?

A magazine for today's woman.

Sucks for you.

You know, if I had something in my room she might disapprove of, I might be looking for a real good hiding place right about now.

I think I'm okay.

Your air vent?

Boys are dumb.

D-U-M-B.

Dumb-a?

What are you doing?

Confiscating your comic books.

You can have them back when you're 18.

You're taking Casper the Friendly Ghost?

Ghosts are sacrilegious.

Nothing friendly about that.

Very well.

There's one more book that belongs in the box, filled with adultery, genocide, and even human sacrifice.

You think you're so smart.

I do.

And yet you continue to treat me like a child.

You know what?

You want me to treat you like an adult, you got it.

From this moment on, I am done mommy-ing you.

Wonderful.

Does that mean I can have my comic books back?

Comic books are for children.

You're an adult.

My new adult responsibilities began that night.

Luckily, a cookbook is nothing more than a set of instructions.

And if there's one thing I shine at, it's following instructions.

Aw.

What's Sheldon doing?

- Cooking his own dinner.

- Why?

He wants to take care of himself like an adult.

I plan on putting that off for as long as possible.

Really?

It's a plan?

Maybe I should go keep an eye on him.

No.

Let him handle this on his own.

I wouldn't mind watching.

Let's just say grace.

I can't.

I got to go in there.

If she's going, I'm going.

No one's going anywhere.

If he needs help, he can ask.

I don't need help!

Everything's under control!

You're really holding the line on this one.

I'm sorry, but he just pushed my buttons.

Don't be sorry.

I'm diggin' it.

- Ew.

- Gross.

I agree.

Pretty gross.

Y'all are mean.

How was your chicken?

Not bad.

The dish soap gave it a nice lemony flavor.

All right, bedtime.

- Night, Mama.

- Night, baby.

Have sweet dreams.

- Love you.

- Love you, too.

Sheldon, I assume you don't need to be tucked in?

I can handle it, thank you.

Okay.

Wow.

No good night kiss?

That's up to your brother.

That won't be necessary.

Fine.

Had enough?

You gonna back down?

No.

He's real smart, but he needs to learn he doesn't know everything.

Woman, you are getting sexier by the second.

Whew.

Hey, now that you're treating him like an adult, can I have his allowance?

That allowance is for chores, which you already don't do.

Come on.

We all know I'm your favorite.

You're not even his third favorite.

Making my school lunch the next morning proved no easier than dinner.

Maybe you're turning it the wrong way.

Don't you have anything better to do?

Not better than this.

This is nothing a little science can't fix.

All I need to do is break the pressure seal.

I don't think that was enough science.

Morning, Missy.

- Morning, Sheldon.

- Morning.

Morning, Mary.

Mom, you need to sign this consent form.

What's it for?

Field trip.

- Where?

- Museum.

- Which one?

- Does it matter?

It's not like I'm gonna learn anything, anyway.

It's the planetarium at the science museum.

And I need you to sign mine, too.

Oh.

It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.

And here we go.

I don't need you to sign it, the school does.

So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.

In that moment, I was so angry with her, I almost opened the jar.

I'm ready to go to college.

Okay.

Where you thinking?

Somewhere with a good science program, but far enough away to make my mom cry herself to sleep every night that I'm gone.

You're applying to college out of spite?

I see why you're the guidance counselor.

Okay, let's see.

What about Caltech in Pasadena?

I can't see myself living in California.

I don't trust their carefree lifestyle.

Okay.

Um...

How about MIT in Boston?

Do they have a strong physics program?

They're more of an engineering school.

Next.

There's always Harvard.

Hmm.

I don't like cold weather, but I do look good in maroon.

All right, Harvard it is.

Thank you for your help.

Are you interested in applying to a safety school in case you don't get in?

Safety school.

You're funny.

So, how was everyone's day?

I cut open a frog at school.

For science class?

Sure.

We should put a lock on the Kn*fe drawer.

What are you eating?

An English muffin with ketchup and spray cheese.

No fair.

Lucky.

Sorry I spent an hour making meatloaf.

So, Moonpie, how's adult life treating you?

Very well, actually.

I'm working on my application to Harvard.

Is that so?

Yes.

And I'm planning on transferring there as soon as possible.

You're not going away to Harvard.

I don't believe you have a say in this.

Okay, well, Harvard's real expensive.

How do you plan on paying for it?

Oh, I'm sure I'll get a scholarship.

- Oh, are you?

- Yes, I am.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's just take a deep breath and talk about something else.

Fine.

I want to hear about that frog.

A different something else.

I just realized something.

College applications cost money just to send in.

- They do?

- $50, $60 a pop.

I don't believe you have that kind of money, do you?

Will you excuse me?

I have to go take a cold shower.

Hello, Randall.

I would like to apply for a job.

- You would?

- Yes.

I need to earn money so I can apply to Harvard.

I thought about going to Harvard, but then I realized The Shack is my passion.

So can I work here?

Excuse me.

How much RAM does this computer have?

Um, I can check on that for you.

It comes with 640 kilobytes, but it's expandable up to 768.

Well?

Do you even have a r?sum??

No, but I have a report card that'll knock your socks off.

And what's the processor speed?

It has the Intel 8286, so ten megahertz.

Sorry, Sheldon.

I think it's against company policy to hire little kids.

But people say I'm like an old man all the time.

Hey, I'm one of 'em, but the answer's still no.

When people wonder why Radio Shack eventually went out of business, you can point to this moment.

Meemaw?

Meemaw?

Hey!

Looking sharp.

You're not gonna try to sell me a set of knives, are you?

No.

It's a joke.

'Cause of the suit.

Okay.

I need money for my Harvard application, and was wondering if there are any jobs I could do.

Hmm.

My yard could use a little weeding.

I'm not terribly fond of outdoor work.

Plus, that garden gnome terrifies me.

Ernesto has that effect on people.

How much does the job pay?

Well, let me think.

How about a dollar an hour?

- How about five dollars an hour?

- How about 50 cents an hour?

Wait a minute.

What just happened?

- I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a dollar.

- Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

You know how you think I can't do anything for myself?

I do think that, yes.

Well, I have something I'd like to show you.

You did some chores?

Come see for yourself.

I don't know if I'm ready for another heart att*ck, but here we go.

Feast your eyes.

You did all this?

I did.

You shoved everything in the closet, didn't you?

Take a look.

I am impressed.

You should be.

There may be hope for you yet.

I thought that showed ingenuity.

Okay, here you go.

I got you a shovel and a bucket and some gloves.

Did you check the gloves for spiders?

Is this my first day as Meemaw?

It's not?

No.

It's duck-hunting season.

That, sir, is an in-mitigated fabrication!

It's wabbit season!

Duck season.

Not again.

What's wrong, baby?

I'm trying to hear about duck season and wabbit season, but they keep talking about this stupid tornado.

The National Weather Service has issued a tornado watch for the following counties: Angelina...

Hey, Shelly, how's it going over there?

I hate everything about this.

You need to come home with me.

No.

I'm working.

There is a tornado watch.

Let's go!

Oh, come on, Mary.

We've had a watch every day for two months, nothing ever happens.

I think you're just worried I'm earning the money to send in my college application.

I am worried it is not safe out here.

Let's go!

I can worry about my own safety, thank you.

I don't care if you think you're an adult.

I'm your mother, and you will do as I say.

Well, that ain't good.

You believe me now?

Mom?

- I'm scared!

- It's gonna be okay.

Georgie!

- Help me get this in front of the window.

- On it.

- Is this my bed?

- Yeah.

Aw, it took me an hour to make it.

You okay, Moonpie?

I'm all right.

- I'm not.

This is scary.

- We're gonna be fine.

This'll blow through in a few minutes.

I need to pee.

Can you hold it, baby?

We'll find out.

I'm not all right anymore!

Flashlights, guys!

What if it hits us and we all die?

It's not gonna hit us!

I might hit you.

But first, I'm gonna hold you.

In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family.

I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name.

I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!

Pray harder!

Okay.

The good news was most of our neighborhood was spared.

Oh.

The bad news: my mother thought she had something to do with it.

Looks like your house is okay.

You were just worried I might have to come live with you.

Oh, I think the word you're looking for is "terrified." Hmm.

Better go check on it.

I'll come with you.

Be careful.

Mom?

Yeah, baby?

You would not believe the pee I just took.