02x01 - Simone

[bunniefuu]

I have always been a woman who arranges things For the pleasure and the profit it derives I have always been a woman who arranges things Like furniture And daffodils And lives If you want your sister courted Brother wed, or cheese imported Just leave everything to me If you want your roof inspected Eyebrows tweezed, or bills collected Just leave everything to me If you want your daughter dated Or some marriage consummated for a rather modest fee (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

- I will connect you.

- B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

Aah!

Too many calls.

I can't!

Hold on!

I will connect you.

Just leave everything to me If you want your culture rounded B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

Head between your knees.

I will connect you.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Twisted!

I'm twisted!

The whole procedure B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

Breathe, honey, breathe.

I will connect you.

ENID: Midge, help!

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

DORIS: Midge, help!

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Whew!

You'd think we were giving away Pat Boone tickets.

Gosh.

You're amazing.

I've had a lot of practice.

Try manning the Revlon counter on a Free Makeover Friday.

- Makeup counter?

- Yup.

- You were in the show.

- What's it like?

- I hear there's music.

- And lunch breaks.

- And air.

- It is all of that and more.

Sounds like heaven.

It was.

GINGER: So, how come you landed here?

I hit a rough patch.

There was an incident named Penny.

Bottom line is, I am not a tramp and someday I'm gonna be back at that counter.

But until then B. Altman.

Where may I connect your call?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

To Me!

(PHONE RINGING)

f*ck off.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Yeah?

MAN: Hi.

Is this Susie Myerson?

- No.

- Well, can I speak with Susie Myerson?

- Why?

- I'm Morris Abramson.

I'm a booker out of Pennsylvania.

I'd like to talk about a client of hers.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes.

This is Susie Myerson.

Uh, what did you say your name was?

Uh, Abramson.

Morris Abramson.

Morris, nice to meet you.

Uh, hey, wh where did you get this number, by the way?

MORRIS: Uh, from the card you gave me?

You're kidding.

That worked?

Yes.

Listen, I'm interested in your girl Mrs.

Maisel.

Mm.

Yeah, she's hot right now.

I heard about the show she did with Lenny Bruce.

Oh, yeah, great show.

A star was born.

Well, I was wondering what her availabilities are in February.

Oh, wow.

Boy, I wish you'd called a week ago before I said yes to those two weeks in Reno, but I'll see what I can do.

Uh, hold on.

Let me get my book.

sh*t, I got to get a book.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Enid.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Doris.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Ginger.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Midge.

B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?

SUSIE: Right up your ass.

You're in a good mood.

I am.

Hey, why does every girl there sound like a guy who's just been kicked in the nuts?

What do you want, Susie?

I want to tell you it worked.

- What worked?

- The card.

The card worked.

One of the guys that I gave it to called.

He wants you.

Not just for a hand job.

He wants to book you in - a g*dd*mn club in Philadelphia!

- Really?

(LAUGHING)

f*ckin' A.

Yeah.

Two other calls came in also.

Newspapers.

They heard all about the Lenny Bruce gig, and they want to know all about you.

We have gotten over the hump, sister.

The rebuilding has begun.

Philadelphia.

Wow.

That's exciting.

No, it's not.

There's nothing exciting about Philadelphia.

Well, I've never been, and I've always wanted to go.

Take Sixth Avenue, add a bell, that's Philadelphia.

I don't think that's accurate.

Midge, you got another call.

Some guy in a total panic.

I have to go back to work.

B. Altman.

This is Midge.

Miriam, how long will it take you to get here?

- Two and a half hours.

- What?

I work till 6:00.

No.

I need you now.

Come home.

- But - Now, Miriam, now.

Papa.

Now, now, now.

I'm here!

What is it?

What's the matter?

What's missing?

(PANTING)

Eye, eye, ear, ear, nose, hand, foot.

Blood?

No blood.

No blood!

Ethan's fine.

Is it Esther?

Oh, God.

What's wrong?

What's bad?

You look fine.

You look fine.

Your eyes are asymmetrical.

Is that why you called me?

Her eyes are asymmetrical?

I know that!

I have a contingency plan!

- ABE: Miriam.

- Papa!

I don't know what to do.

I don't understand what's happening.

- What's the problem?

- It's your mother.

Mama?

What's wrong with Mama?

- She's not here.

- She's Tonight's the annual faculty holiday party, - and she's not here?

- I She's never missed this party before, ever.

- Well, where is she?

- I don't know.

You don't?

I mean, she went to Paris, but she was supposed to be back by now.

Paris?

She went to Paris?

When did she go to Paris?

A few days ago.

She was going on a shopping trip or something.

What do you mean "or something"?

It just doesn't make sense that she would miss the party.

- Papa, what did she say?

- That she was going to Paris, and she'd be back before the party.

- She said that?

- Yes.

- Well, I assume she said that.

- Assume?

This is a great party, Miriam.

They have a band.

Papa, did you ask when she'd be back?

- Yes.

- A second ago you assumed.

Asked, assumed same thing.

- Not at all the same thing.

- Pretty close.

You teach at Columbia.

They should be terrified.

- Did you look around your den?

- For what?

For flight information.

A hotel name, a phone number, Amelia Earhart.

- There's nothing in my den.

- Papa, think hard.

When Mama said she was going to Paris, - what exactly did she say?

- I don't know.

Concentrate.

Recreate the moment.

I was there, and she came in, and - I'm going to Paris.

- Mm-hmm.

I don't feel like I have a life here anymore.

Everything and everyone that I always counted on has let me down.

I don't know what my place is here.

You don't need me.

Miriam doesn't need me.

I serve no purpose.

I'm unhappy and I'm tired of being unhappy, so I booked myself a flight for tomorrow night.

Zelda's making lamb for dinner.

Lamb's good.

- Papa, are you kidding me?!

- What?

- Mama moved to Paris!

- What?!

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Did you hear what you just said?

What?

You just told me that Mama told you she was moving to Paris.

I never said that.

"I don't feel like I have a life here.

"Everyone and everything that I have ever counted on has let me down"?

And you said, "Okay.

" No.

I said lamb was okay, and it was.

Oh, good grief.

Honestly, Papa, you don't listen.

- Not true.

- You don't listen to anyone.

Not true.

"I don't feel like I have a life here"?

Stop repeating that!

All right, I'll admit that sometimes I tune people out, but mostly because they rarely have anything useful - or interesting to say.

- It's empty.

- What?

- Her closet's empty.

Her drawers are empty.

Her perfume's gone.

Where's her things?

- Where did they go?

- I'm guessing Paris.

But what was she going to wear to the party tonight?

You didn't notice this?

You sleep right there.

You live here, too.

You didn't notice either.

You're her husband.

You're in her closet way more than I am.

- (DISHES CLATTERING)

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Papa?

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

You're in on it, aren't you?

You helped her pack?

- No.

- Yeah, you're still helping her.

You're packing up dishes to send to her right now, aren't you?

Only the ones from her grandmother.

You do hate those dishes.

Yes, but this isn't the way I wanted to get rid of them.

Zelda, do you know where she is?

- She left me the address.

- Why didn't you tell us?

She said not to say anything, to wait until Mr. Weissman asked.

He's asking!

I'm asking.

Zelda, please, where is Mrs.

Weissman?

Was that up there the whole time?

- Yes.

- In plain view?

Just like that?

- Yes.

- Okay, you pack.

You - unpack.

- What?

Why?

Because, the idiot twins are going to go to Paris - to bring your mother back.

- But And then we'll have a little talk about loyalty.

To the person who signs the checks, not the person you like more.

American loyalty!

(SIGHS)

("YOU'RE IN PARIS" PLAYING)

You're in Paris You're in Paris You're in Paris Where the fashion is romance 'Neath a garret's rafter There's more laughter In the Paris wine I'm in Paris.

Is this the place?

Uh, I need small bills.

"18 Bis Rue du Mail.

" 18.

18.

18.

18.

- Small bills.

- I can't find an address.

Can you find a ?

Oh, that hat is fabulous.

Hey, hey, small bills, small bills.

What?

Oh.

- DRIVER: Monsieur - Uh, here.

The French kind.

French kind.

Wow, that one's even better.

Hey, hey, will you stop shopping?

Sorry.

(DRIVER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Okay, is, uh is this enough?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What, wh what, what did he say?

I don't know.

I don't speak French.

What do you mean you don't speak French?

I mean I don't speak French.

All this time with your mother, - she never taught you French?

- No.

That's the only reason I asked you to come.

(DRIVER SPEAKING FRENCH)

- Okay, I, uh - Okay.

Yeah, you're welcome for the tip.

For D-Day.

You pick.

I think this is it.

This can't be it.

It must be it.

- Is there a bell?

- Maybe we should call.

- Does she have a phone?

- Does she have a bell?

- I don't know.

- You've just answered both questions.

- I'm nervous.

- Me, too.

- What do I say?

- I think you should just go in there and be sweet.

She's probably homesick by now.

She's probably just waiting for you to sweep her off her feet and carry her back to the Upper West Side.

Oh, that's gonna be m*rder on my back.

Be sweet.

Hey, hey, hey, focus, focus.

Sorry.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Uh, good morning, Miss, uh, Mrs.

Can you help us?

We're looking for Rose Weissman.

Mademoiselle Weissman.

Oh, so now you speak French.

Rose Weissman?

(CONTINUES IN FRENCH)

(SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

- Uh-huh.

- (WOMAN CONTINUES SHOUTING)

Are you sure this is right?

This is the address she left.

It's like a Gallic Hooverville.

It's a little rustic.

Everyone here has m*rder*d at least three people in their lifetimes.

- Rose?

Rose, are you here?

- (WOMAN CONTINUES SHOUTING)

She's drafting us.

She's drafting us.

Don't look her in the eye, it'll only rile her up.

- More than this?

- Rose, are you here?

- Mama?

- Rose Rose?

- Mama?

- Rose.

(WOMAN CONTINUES SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

- I'm going up.

- Okay.

We're going up.

ABE: I'm just gonna leave these here.

- Never mind.

- Oh, God, what is that smell?

It's like a dead fish crawled inside a deader fish.

- She's still coming.

- Rose?!

Boy, I really wish you knew French.

Papa, look, Rose.

It says "Rose.

" - Rose!

My Rose!

- Mama?

- Mama, are you in there?

- It's your husband!

Abe?

Miriam?

What on earth are you doing here?

We're here to see you.

- Wait, you didn't wire her?

- No.

Why?

Papa, we had a whole conversation where I told you to let her know we were coming.

- We did?

- Yes.

I have no memory of that.

Oh, well, this is a nice surprise.

Would you like to come in?

Hey.

Sweet.

What?

Would you like some coffee?

I'll heat up the rechaud.

I'm sorry about the weather today.

The papers actually said sun.

I know how rain depresses you two, but really, in Paris, it's quite wonderful.

So try to look past it.

Oh, how was your flight?

It was your first time on a plane, wasn't it, Miriam?

- Isn't air travel a marvel?

Bonjour, René.

- RENE: Bonjour, Rose.

One minute you're in New York, and the next you're here in Gay Paree.

Are you hungry?

I could scrounge around for some cake.

Uh, I think we're fine.

Well, if you change your mind.

- So, this apartment - Oh, isn't it charmant?

This is where I lived when I went to school here.

There's no furniture.

ROSE: I didn't know if there'd be a room available.

It had been a while.

One chair.

There's only one chair?

So I knocked on the door, and dear sweet Marie answered.

I couldn't believe my luck.

- I can see the sky.

- Oh, Gitane?

Me?

Oh, no.

Well, sure, I guess.

Oh, I was so thrilled.

I just love this view.

Uh, I see a pipe and more roof.

Oh, there's a dead bird over there, that's nice.

- (COUGHS)

- ROSE: Oh, sorry.

I thought you smoked.

Not pure hellfire, no.

Well, put it out; I'll smoke it later.

You'll smoke it later?

(ROSE SPEAKING FRENCH)

You got a dog?

- ROSE: Everyone, meet Simone.

Simone.

- (SIMONE BARKS)

Oh.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (CONTINUES IN FRENCH)

- (BARKS)

- You trained it?

- Of course.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Here we go.

- Papa.

- No!

No.

No.

We're done.

It's over.

Enough of this.

- You are insane.

- Papa.

Look at this place.

Look at you.

This is not I'm not That chair is broken.

- So?

- So?

- Mama, we're just concerned.

- About what?

You, crazy lady, you.

You just took off with no word.

I told your father I was leaving.

Yes, but he doesn't remember, so it doesn't count.

Well, I'm sorry you were worried.

Ah, apology accepted.

Get your things.

Pack up your one fork and your half a plate, your used cigarette and let's go.

No.

You are coming back to New York.

- Right now.

- Papa, this isn't sweet.

f*ck sweet.

She got a dog.

Let me talk to Mama for a second.

- Can you just wait?

- Wait?

Wait where?

There's one room and a partial roof.

The butter's hanging from a windowsill.

The bathroom - Where is the bathroom?

- Down the hall.

- Did she say "down the hall"?

- She did.

We share.

I think sharing a bathroom sounds fun.

Then get out more.

Rose, Rose.

Rose, you're angry, and trying to prove a point.

Fine.

Prove it back in New York.

(SIMONE BARKS)

Oh, you're upsetting her.

ABE: All right, playtime's over.

I am telling that n*zi downstairs that you are leaving tonight.

Why the hell didn't you teach her to speak French?

- Marie's not a n*zi.

- (MARIE SHOUTING NEARBY)

She's just flexible.

Hey, could we maybe try this again?

Somewhere else?

Maybe have some dinner?

- Tonight?

- Oh, of course.

Oh, I know a lovely little bistro you would love.

It's just around the corner.

Here.

Just give this to the cab driver and he'll take you there.

- 9:00?

- Sure.

We'll be there.

Oh, you're bringing your father.

Yeah.

I thought, "What the hell.

" I just saw a cockroach.

It's heading right toward your door.

Do you want me to k*ll it for you?

ABE: I know.

Okay, I got it.

So see you at 9:00.

I've missed you, Mama.

I've missed me, too.

(SIGHS)

So, see, when I said "be sweet " I know, I know.

So now what?

Well, she agreed to have dinner with us.

Did she?

What a sport.

We should find a hotel.

She agreed to have dinner.

We should check in, get settled.

Deigned.

She deigned to dine.

You know, when Ethan acts like this, I take away his fire truck.

(SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

I'd cry like a baby The whole room was frozen.

And Lawrence said, "What did he say?" And Curtis said, "I quit," so Lawrence thought Curtis was quitting and he called him a g*dd*mn pansy.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry, Archie.

You don't have to keep apologizing.

I did not mean to just walk out on you guys like that.

We were all dressed up, - had our corsages on.

- I know.

You heard we didn't put out, that's why you walked, right?

Yes, that was it.

(SIGHS)

Doesn't pay to be a nice girl anymore.

I'd let out a wail sh*t.

Sally.

- SAL: You going for a record?

- Yes.

To go along with my biggest assh*le trophy.

You know, if you talked to your uncle - No.

- I know he'd let you come back.

- Forget it.

- You were on fire before you left.

He doesn't want to lose you now.

I was drowning before I left.

That place was like a tomb.

A mausoleum.

Filled with people who are dead.

Their souls d*ed years ago, they just don't know it yet.

- And you.

- Thank you.

So what do you do now?

Now I find an apartment.

Tired of living at your parents' house?

What grown man wouldn't love living with his parents?

- (CHUCKLING): Yeah?

Fun?

- So fun.

I stay out till they're asleep, I get up before they're awake.

Sounds exhausting.

I've seen a couple of places, but I need something big enough for Ethan to say over, but not so big that I have to pay for it.

Sure, one of those nice spacious free one bedrooms.

- If you hear of anything - (PHONE RINGING)

Sally's.

Joel, phone.

Hello?

Well, what did she say it was?

Fourth of July Is she okay?

If you ever said Did she say why it's so important?

You were leaving for good Okay.

I'll call her right away.

Thank you, Mrs. Moskowitz.

Something wrong?

My mother wants me to call her.

I'd cry like a baby With a busted balloon - I'd let out a wail - (LINE RINGING)

- SHIRLEY: Hello?

- Hello, Ma, what's wrong?

Oh, Joel, hello.

- What's going on?

- Nothing, why?

I got a message there was an emergency.

- Who told you that?

- Ma, you called Mrs. Moskowitz, said you had to talk to me.

Well, here I am.

Talk.

Oh, I was out of cheese.

You were out of cheese.

SHIRLEY: Your father had people over and I wanted to serve cheese.

- And that's it?

- Yes.

Well, now I'm on the edge of my seat, so what happened?

I found some.

You should go to Hollywood, Ma.

They'd pay big money for that story.

It's not a story.

You don't believe your mother?

Fine.

You'll miss me when I'm dead.

JOEL: Okay, good-bye.

Oh, sh*t.

Is that the time?

I have to go.

- You sure?

- I'm sure.

I'm sorry.

SAL: That'll be eight bucks, boys.

Buy yourself something nice.

Boy, we're getting really good at this drinking thing.

If you're gonna do something, do it right.

If I don't get back to the office, they're gonna think I quit, too.

So, drinks tomorrow?

Same place, same stool?

You're on.

Hey, Joel, what the hell was that tape we heard that day at the record store?

I mean, that was Midge, right?

Yeah, she got drunk at a party, started talking.

Some assh*le taped it.

Happens to the best of us, pal.

- See ya tomorrow.

- Yup.

GENO: Some people say that women aren't funny.

Ah, I think the only people who say that are men who aren't funny.

Times are changing.

Buy a new watch, pal.

SUSIE: Mm, I actually think people are interested in what a woman has to say.

Maybe they don't admit it.

You think the fact she's so attractive is a problem?

- For who?

- Jackie.

Maybe it's confusing to some, but there's a brain there.

And people are talking about sh*t nowadays.

The Pope, you think Bruce could've mentioned the Pope ten years ago?

Well, he sure as sh*t is mentioning him now.

You want another coffee?

Jackie, get him another coffee.

So when she walked in here the first night, she was raw, but you could see it.

- I sure did.

- Just the coffee, please.

I'm just saying, as a man, I saw that she had thoughts.

You were here when Susie discovered her?

Was I here?

I'm always here.

Just waiting for something to happen, man.

It's a boring f*cking place.

That could change any minute, Jackie.

So what is the connection with Lenny Bruce?

- They dating?

- No, they are not dating.

He's her champion.

And when the best spots the best, you can bet it's the best.

Wait, cross that out.

I sound like an idiot.

I just mean, he's the top, but he sees who's coming up behind him.

So where do you go from here?

We'll, we're, uh, working on expanding her profile.

Articles like this are gonna help.

Uh, we're being choosy, picking the right clubs; eventually, Mrs.

Maisel's gonna be a household name.

Mark my words, pal.

Can I help you guys?

- This the one?

- I think so.

I thought it was a girl.

Yeah, it's supposed to be a girl.

Is this a girl?

This doesn't look like a girl.

It came out of the club when they said she would.

- Hey, you a girl?

- I'm not sure what - the best answer is here.

- I don't think it's a girl.

This is why we need a f*cking picture.

Wait.

I see it now.

It could be a girl.

All right.

We're gonna take a walk.

- Where?

- None of your business.

Just walk.

- Can I finish my slice?

- Do you understand you're in - a little bit of trouble here?

- I'm picking up on that.

We're gonna go somewhere, we're gonna have a talk.

Now move.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Nothing but roadwork.

This whole town's a crumbling sh*t hole.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

- Stretching.

- Well, don't.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

You work for Harry Drake, right?

Who knows.

Well, you do, theoretically.

Shut up.

That's what I know.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

- Where are we going?

- You'll find out.

Now sit back and make like The Miracle Worker.

Hey, Frank, I got to say, I don't know how I feel about roughing up a girl.

- We don't know it's a girl.

- It's a girl.

f*ck you, Annie Sullivan.

- Annie Sullivan could talk.

- Not in my car, she couldn't.

- Doesn't seem right.

- We do what we're told.

My sister's a girl.

Look, it's not my favorite assignment, either, but we chose this line of work.

You want to be a garbage man?

f*ck, I'd love to be a garbage man.

- Time and a half on weekends.

- Great benefits.

Shut the f*ck up!

(CAR HORN HONKS)

It's nice that you like theater.

MIDGE: Zelda?

Zelda?

Zelda?

Zelda, can you hear me?

ZELDA (OVER PHONE): Miss Miriam?

Did you find Mrs.

Weissman?

We did.

Did she get her underwear?

- I did not ask.

- Tell her I sent her underwear.

I will let her know.

- Is Mr.

Weissman calm?

- Not at all.

Put two jiggers of schnapps in his coffee.

- He will fall right to sleep.

- Good tip.

It works for Ethan, too.

- How are the kids?

- They're fine.

Mr.

Maisel took Ethan to the movies today.

Oh.

Th that's great.

Uh, did, um, did Mr.

Maisel leave a message?

- For who?

- For me.

- No.

- Did he leave a number?

- No.

- Oh.

But he did say if you need him, just leave some words at his father's and someone will tell him.

So he did leave a message?

Oh, yes.

That's a message?

- That is a message.

- Well, he left that.

I am sorry for you, Miss Miriam.

To lose the boy who climbs out your window, that is hard.

She's coming.

She's coming.

Zelda?

Zelda, I have to go.

Kiss the children for me.

That's her, right?

You don't recognize your own wife?

I haven't recognized her since I got here.

She just walked right through a puddle.

Right through a puddle!

- Bonsoir, Ronan.

- Bonsoir, Rose.

- MIDGE: Mama?

- Oh, there you are, Miriam.

Mwah, mwah.

Abe.

- I guess we're walking.

- Mm-hmm.

I hope you're all starving because I am.

They have the best bread in the world.

They get it from this mad, little man around the corner.

Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Okay.

- Proost.

- Proost.

Leave him out of it.

So tell me, how do you like Paris so far?

It's very Parisian.

It's the most beautiful city in the world.

They talk about the light in New York, but when the sun sets here, it's magic.

It's why all the great artists in the world - are so drawn to this place.

- She brought the dog.

(ROSE SPEAKING FRENCH)

We found an adorable hotel right near here.

Oh, yes?

What's it called?

Le something.

Oh, delicious.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

What is this?

Simone's favorite.

Steak tartare.

- We're eating dog food?

- No.

She's eating people food.

(ROSE SPEAKING FRENCH)

It's raw.

Is it supposed to be raw?

ROSE: You know, you should go to the Louvre tomorrow.

Get a little culture before you head back home.

(ROSE CONTINUES IN FRENCH)

I was thinking we could all spend a day or so seeing the sights before we all head back home, the collective we.

We three, we.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Mama, did you hear what Papa just said about the sightseeing?

And the coming home?

Well, sightseeing would be lovely.

What about the coming home?

Oh, dear.

She threw up.

We'll need a napkin.

Rose, please.

It's a dog.

It'll clean that up itself.

Let's talk about getting you home.

I think we should have the chicken.

I know that sounds simple, but a well-made roast chicken is the sign of a truly great chef.

Chicken sounds great.

So, tomorrow?

Stay in the moment, Miriam.

You need to learn to stay in the moment.

Look around.

See where you are.

You're in Paris.

Take it in.

Internalize it.

Not to cut the internalizing short or anything, but we really do need to make some plans.

I don't make plans anymore.

Because we have a life back in New York and up until recently, it was a pretty good life.

It was fine.

Ah, it was a little better than "fine.

" We had D.

Porthault sheets.

I'm not even sure what that is, but people always seemed so impressed when you mentioned it to them.

Yes, that did stop a room.

So, what do you think?

Maybe a few more days?

Mm, I don't know.

A week.

Two weeks.

No, I have a life here, Abe.

Mama, this isn't your real life.

It's not?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Rose, will you please stop talking to the dog?

All right, Abe.

My goodness.

So threatened by a little dog.

I'm not threatened by a dog.

I'm trying to discuss something serious.

When are you coming home?

- I'm not.

- MIDGE: This is ridiculous.

Both of you.

W we need to come to some sort of resolution here.

I have to get back.

I have work.

I I have children.

- Then you should go.

- Not without you.

- I'm happy here.

- Bullshit!

- (SIMONE BARKING)

- Oh, zip it, Simone.

(ROSE SPEAKING FRENCH)

ABE: Okay.

I've sat here long enough.

You want to play it like that?

Fine.

Miriam, go home.

Me?

I am not going home without my wife.

Period.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my dinnertime is 6:00.

Only gangsters eat at 9:00 after some bootlegging and a hot game of craps.

We will continue this nightmare tomorrow.

More wine?

ROSE (LAUGHS): So, was that a chicken or was that a chicken?

That was a chicken.

Mama, how long are you gonna t*rture Papa like this?

- Oh, your father's just fine.

- No.

No, he's not fine.

He's going out of his mind.

As soon as he realizes he can put a bookshelf where my vanity is, he'll be just fine.

- I don't understand you.

- You don't?

You made your point.

You won.

I I know we all let you down, but you have punished us.

You've punished him.

He he came here to say "I'm sorry.

" I didn't hear him say "I'm sorry.

" Did you hear him say "I'm sorry"?

- You know what I mean.

- I speak two languages.

I didn't hear him say "I'm sorry" - in either one of them.

- He came here.

That is "I'm sorry" in Abe speak.

- It's not good enough.

- What more does he need to do?

Nothing.

I'm not asking him to do anything.

- I didn't ask him to come here.

- Oh, come on.

You thought he was just gonna let you leave?

I didn't think about it in those terms.

What terms did you think of it in?

I was unhappy.

I didn't want to be unhappy anymore.

But you're married.

You you have a life.

You have grandchildren.

Remember your grandchildren?

- I do.

They're very pleasant.

- Mama.

They can visit.

Ethan can learn to fish, and when Esther's old enough to have that nose fixed, the best doctors in the world are here for that.

What about me?

Don't you miss me?

- You're here.

- But I have to leave.

- You'll come back.

- What about Papa?

Your father's always been very good at taking care of himself.

Mama, listen to me.

You have to get over this.

The world is full of disappointments, and sometimes people let you down.

You can't just run away.

What are you getting so upset about?

You made a commitment to this man.

He is your husband.

You have to go back to him!

Well, look who's talking.

Allons-y, Simone.

Hey, drunk or dead?

- Drunk.

- You can tell from here?

I got an eye.

You play the ponies?

Once in a while.

To relax.

My uncle played the ponies.

Played every day for five years.

Hmm.

Then what?

He learned his lesson?

I don't know.

One day he disappeared, we never saw him again.

- Oh, you're kidding.

- Eh.

He owed someone something.

They collected.

I got his jacket, though.

- Oh, sorry about that.

- Yeah.

He might've just moved.

Ran.

We got sent a thumb.

To be totally honest, by the time it goes through the postal system, you can't really tell who a thumb belongs to.

Thumb, huh?

Could be Salvatore.

He does thumb work.

CONDUCTOR (OVER P. A. ): This is Clinton-Washington.

Next stop, Broadway-East New York.

Going to the Rockaways, huh?

Who said that?

Well, there's nowhere else to go from here but to the Rockaways.

I should know.

I grew up there.

You're from the Rockaways?

Yeah, Broad Channel Avenue.

Hey, I'm over on Seagull.

Whoa, you're in the fancy section.

I don't believe it.

Frank, did you hear?

- A girl from the Rockaways.

- You never meet one of those.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Well, you meet 'em.

They just don't admit it.

Hey, is Greenie's Luncheonette still there?

Oh, no.

We b*rned it down.

Oh, shame.

They made a great patty melt.

Yeah, yeah, they did at that.

A Rockaways girl.

Heh!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh, man, you are right on the water.

Yep.

This was my parents' place.

My brother and I had a big fight over it.

Let me guess who won.

(ALL LAUGH)

(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

- Excuse me?

- Oh, American.

Wonderful.

25 francs for the show.

Open the tiny purse.

Yes.

Thank you.

Sit, sit, sit.

Excuse me, can I bum a cigarette?

(COUGHS)

French got tough lungs, I'll give 'em that.

Your zipper.

(CONTINUES SINGING IN FRENCH)

Just let me Ooh.

Oh, y you don't understand.

I'm I'm just trying to Oh, hello.

Oh.

Uh (ZIPPER CLOSES)

I don't know what you're asking.

Miss America!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Wait, you're You're men?

All of you?

Did you know this?

Ye yes, you probably did know this.

That's probably why you came here.

My God, I've never seen anything like this.

I I mean, in in college there were plays where some of the boys would dress up like girls for a joke, you know, "Honeybun" for the talent show, but that that was just socks stuffed into their mother's bras.

They never looked like that.

I I don't think men do this in America.

- LILLIAN: Oh, they do.

- You're an American.

Sort of.

I'm a New Yorker.

So am I.

What a small world.

Are you on vacation?

Oh, no.

I live here now.

Really?

So does my mother.

Well, she doesn't really live here.

She moved here to spite my father, and now she shares a bathroom with five men, so not sure who won the first round.

(LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (CONTINUES IN FRENCH)

- (ALL LAUGH)

Uh, so so my my father came here to bring her back, and he brought me along because he thought I spoke French, which I don't.

I wish I did.

Hey, how much did they charge you for the show?

- 20 francs.

- Yeah.

I had a feeling.

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (LAUGHS)

Uh, a anyhow, it's it's not going so well between the two of them, and I feel a little guilty because it's kind of my fault my father is in this situation.

I decided this year to totally uproot my life and became a different person.

I guess you all know what that's like, huh?

(LILLIAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

(LAUGHTER)

Have you ever done that?

Have you ever had your entire life change over the course of a few months?

I mean, besides being occupied.

That had to be a shift.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Hey, uh, could you, could you maybe Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(LAUGHTER)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Perfect.

I used to have the perfect life.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

And then it was completely upended when my husband had an affair.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- He cheated on me.

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- That's a bad thing.

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Who here has ever been att*cked in public by their husband's secretary?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh.

Right.

It's France.

Back in America, that line gets bupkis.

Anyhow, my my husband's cheating started a chain of events that led to me spontaneously getting up on stage and telling complete strangers, some of whom don't even speak my language, all about my humiliating life.

And the more I did it, the more I could not stop doing it, and the next thing I knew, twice a week I'm saying "f*ck" onstage.

- (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (LAUGHTER)

Damn it, your waist is small.

- (LILLIAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

- It's smaller than mine.

Can you just turn the other way?

Seriously, your lipstick is k*lling me.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Well, that was a mistake.

Your ass is better than your tits.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (LAUGHTER)

- Okay.

Is it, is it really necessary to be that beautiful?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Because frankly, it's incredibly unfair.

It's not enough that women have to compete with other women, now men are getting in the mix?

(LAUGHTER)

You can't have it all.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

You can't run the world and have all the pretty underwear, too.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(LAUGHTER)

The competition wasn't stiff enough with the hoards of slutty secretaries roaming the Earth?

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (LAUGHTER)

That's like y you're already fighting with some assh*le who's trying to get in front of you in line and steal your cab at Bendel's while you got one arm full of shopping bags and the other's holding onto your son so he doesn't run away and drink from the puddles, and then out of the blue a mugger comes along and hits you over the head with a piece of pipe he found at a construction site and completely knocks you out!

(LAUGHTER)

See?

You see, right?

- It's fun to be up here.

- Whew.

- The the laughter - (SPEAKING FRENCH)

the adoration, the power of the microphone.

It's intoxicating.

Dangerous, too.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

You remember my cheating husband?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- Or as you'd say, "husband"?

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (LAUGHTER)

- After his affair (SPEAKING FRENCH)

or as you'd say, "Thursday.

" - (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (LAUGHTER)

- He came back.

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

And it seemed like maybe we could put the whole sordid affair behind us, you know, be French, and then one night (LAUGHTER)

MIDGE: You've been a great audience, ladies and gentlemen.

That's it for me.

My name is Mrs.

Maisel.

- Thank you and goodnight!

- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

It worked!

They loved it!

That was great!

Wasn't I great?

My God, the arrogance.

I've created a monster.

You're Norman Mailer in a cocktail dress.

Okay, fine, I'm sorry.

Just tell me, was it good?

Come on, you don't need me to say it, do you?

Okay, you're up.

I'm not going on after that.

Are you kidding me?

- You afraid to follow a girl?

- Always and everywhere.

JACKIE: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the reason why we're here tonight, - I give you, Lenny Bruce!

- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Will Elizabeth Taylor become Bar Mitzvah'ed?

(LAUGHTER)

No, I promise continuity, I'll behave myself.

I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed.

That's the thing, you know, I have a, uh, reputation for being sort of controversial and irreverent and and also the semantic bear trap of bad taste.

And actually I do have and and always will be accused of bad taste by the people who eat in restaurants to reserve service, - you know, that kind of scene.

- (LAUGHTER)

Yeah.

But you might be interested in how I became offensive.

Like, it started in school, uh, with, um drinking, and, uh, I was Really, I was, like, this real depressed kid, you know.

And, uh, seven or eight years old, and I'd get really juiced and out of my head, and Yeah, yeah, so the teacher would really get bummed, you know, with me singing and carrying on and calling Columbus a fink, - (LAUGHTER)

- and and boosting Aaron Burr, and then smoking.

See, I don't know if you can see this, but I have this tattoo.

Can you see that?

- Aah!

Did you see?

- Yeah.

You were amazing.

I was amazing.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Just a funny story.

While you were up there, Joel came in.

- What?

- Yeah.

He was here and he saw How much did he hear?

- I don't know.

- How much?

Well all of it.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Did he, did he seem upset?

A little.

He said some things.

- You talked to him?

- For a second.

What what did he say?

That he was upset.

- What did you say?

- I said you were a great comic, and you were gonna be a star.

And I might have called him Sal Mineo.

Which I would like to point out that many people would take as a compliment.

sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t Miriam, where are you going?

(LAUGHTER)

(PANTING)

I didn't know you were gonna be there.

And what would you have done if you did know?

I'm sorry.

For what?

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

I should probably get off the stage now.

Uh (SNIFFLES)

Thank you for listening.

My name is Mrs.

Maisel.

That's my stage name.

I I gave it to myself when I thought I was actually gonna be Mrs.

Maisel, and then after it just seemed darkly ironic, so I kept it.

(QUIETLY): So bye.

- (MIDGE SNIFFLES)

- (WOMAN COUGHS)

Here's the card of a psychiatrist who just moved to New York from Boston.

He's done wonders for my friend Sylvia Plath.

Call him.

Thanks.

Autumn in New York Why does it seem so inviting?

MOISHE: I just can't understand what goes on in that head of yours!

It's like a panoply of meshuggeneh!

- SHIRLEY: He's our son.

- MOISHE: He's not in the business.

- MOISHE: He doesn't understand.

- SHIRLEY: He's smart.

Explain it.

MOISHE: No, I don't want to explain it.

He chose to keep his life separate, so, goddamm it, keep it separate!

SHIRLEY: Well, I didn't tell him anything.

MOISHE: You called him!

You called him like a crazy person.

If I hadn't gotten to you first SHIRLEY: Well, you did and I covered.

MOISHE: You covered?

Like a Yiddish Theda Bara you covered.

SHIRLEY: He thinks I ran out of cheese.

He thinks I'm insane.

- MOISHE: He's right!

- SHIRLEY: He could help.

MOISHE: Bullshit!

The company is my business.

I'll take care of it.

- SHIRLEY: Fine.

- MOISHE: Understand?

SHIRLEY: Fine!

Yes!

Fine!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(LAUGHTER)

I can't believe you sh*t a clown.

His flower whoa started spewing water all over the place.

Colored scarves were sh**ting out of his mouth.

People were k*lling themselves to get out of that Volkswagen.

It was great.

I have to tell you, Saverina, this food is amazing.

I never had moussaka before.

Wouldn't you know I go out of my way to marry a Sicilian girl, and all she cooks is Greek.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Sophia, you find that quarter I hid yet?

No.

Oh, you don't find it by the time I finish, I'm taking it back.

SOPHIA: No, no, no, no, no!

Cute kid.

- Thanks.

- So, Susie, we've been talking, and if you want us to do a little digging about your uncle, we know where they, you know, do a little digging, if you get my drift.

Wow, that is a really sweet offer, but no one really misses him.

Thanks, though.

Mmm this is better than the moussaka.

Seriously, Saverina, you are a genius.

Wait till you taste her dessert.

You know what, this is the best abduction I've ever had.

I'm serious here.

Hey, our pleasure.

God, it's so good.

SUSIE: Ah, sh*t!

Almost.

I'll tell you one thing, you don't throw like a girl.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ha!

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

- SUSIE: assh*le.

Every time.

He hits it every time.

I roughed up a Major League pitcher once.

Yeah, what, so you got his abilities through osmosis?

No, but he gave me some tips before I broke his arm.

Okay, here goes nothing.

- (WATER SPLASHES)

- I'm fighting the wind.

Oh, come on.

- What?

- There was a gust of wind that came right as I started to throw.

The only wind out here is coming out of your ass, pal.

- I win.

Five bucks.

Pay up.

- I don't have any money.

Guess you're just gonna have to k*ll me.

(LAUGHTER)

Speaking of k*lling me, it's getting pretty late here.

Okay, come on.

Let's get you home.

Oh, hey, a little business first.

You skated here tonight, Susie.

You're from the neighborhood, we like you, my family likes you, so we're gonna just tell our boss we couldn't find you.

I appreciate that, Frank.

But this problem isn't going away, and next time they could send some other guys.

Guys who don't have a problem roughing up a girl.

They could send Tony.

Tony b*at the sh*t out of Martha Raye last week.

Had a steak dinner at Keens after.

- Yeah, I get it.

- It would be good if you could find a way to resolve this problem before that happens, okay?

Now, come on.

Saverina made you a f*ckin' doggie bag.

Picture me Upon your knee With tea for two And two for tea Me for you And you for me - (SIGHS)

- Alone.

Joely!

Joely!

- JOEL: What, Ma?

- You have a call.

Collect.

- Okay.

- Collect!

Collect!

- I'm coming.

- Collect!

Let's go!

- Geez, Ma.

- When you hear "collect," you get your tuchis out here.

- Hello?

- MIDGE: Joel?

Midge?

What's the matter?

So, this is how it's gonna be from now on?

I call, and it's, "Midge, what's the matter?" No.

No, but what's the matter?

You won't leave a number.

You won't talk to me.

I I can't find you.

I don't know where you are.

I'm at my parents'.

No, I know you're at your parents'.

- Then you know where I am.

- I don't I don't mean I want to know where you are, I mean I want to know where you are; I want to talk.

I think it would be better to have a little space right now.

- Why?

Why?!

- Midge, you know why.

No.

It was, it was just that night.

That night screwed everything up.

Hey, what's going on with you tonight?

Where's this coming from?

It's coming from me.

It's coming from that f*cking bridge.

- What bridge?

- (SIRENS WAILING IN BACKGROUND)

I hear sirens.

That's not New York.

Where are you?

- France.

- What?!

I want to talk about our future.

- Did you say France?

- Because I really think we can work this out.

(SIGHS)

Midge - We have children.

- Yes.

We will have to see each other forever.

- Yes.

- Until we are dead.

- Yes.

- And then for four to six months after.

Okay, apparently you know something I don't.

So we are never gonna be fully out of each other's lives.

- I know that.

- So, if we can't ever leave, then let's figure out how to stay.

- Midge, come on.

- We were on a path.

We were heading somewhere.

We were almost there.

- I know.

- It was just that night at the club.

That's it.

I if that hadn't have happened - It happened.

- But I don't understand.

I don't understand why we can't work it out.

There has to be a way.

- There's not.

- Don't say that.

I love you, Joel.

I love you, too.

I am in love with you.

So deeply in love with you.

- You're k*lling me, Midge.

- We can do this.

We can figure this out.

I can figure this out.

I can figure anything out.

I am amazing.

I know you are, you don't have to tell me any of this.

So then, why?

Why?

Tell me why.

Because for us to be together, you'd have to give it up.

What?

Stand-up?

I can't be in a marriage where my wife is going off and talking about me to a room full of strangers.

Talking about my faults, my mistakes, my failures.

Y you don't understand, the whole point is you go off and talk about your life.

No, no, no, I do understand.

I understand completely.

I know you have to talk about your life.

That's why you're good, 'cause you're honest.

It's real, it's authentic.

It's everything I wasn't up there.

I get it.

I just can't live with it.

I wish I could.

Maybe another man could, but I just can't be a joke.

You are not a joke.

Do you want to quit?

No.

I don't want you to quit either.

You're too good.

So you see where I'm going here?

Follow me down the road.

If you're not gonna stop, I can't be there for it.

Now why are you in France?

Long story.

I'd like to hear it sometime.

I love you.

I love you, too, honey.

And you're gonna be okay.

(LINE CLICKS)

(SHUDDERS, EXHALES)

One night in Paris Is like a year in any other place One night in Paris Will wipe the smile off your pretty face One girl in Paris Is like loving every woman - One night in Paris - One night in Paris One night in Paris May be your last - Is he gonna buy?

- MAN: You want a little culture?

Is he gonna pay?

Maybe Monsieur is into photographs, non?

Or is he gonna fall in love the all-American way?

I got a watch with a beautiful Swiss movement.

Is he gonna buy?

Forget the watch, I'll show you a good time!

Is he gonna pay?

Le connoisseur want something different?

Or is he gonna fall in love The all-American way?

Oh, you know, you ain't no Casanova You can't even do the Bossa Nova Or the Tango Or Samba WOMEN: Though you are so very charming MEN: No, you ain't no Casanova One night in Paris Is like a year in any other place One night in Paris Will wipe the smile off your pretty face Each night in Paris - Each night in Paris - Each night in Paris Each night in Paris May be your last.