03x03 - Goblin's Gold

[bunniefuu]

Episode 3.03 - Goblin's Gold

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Kilgharrah : In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin.

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[00:12, INT. KING’S PALACE, HALL OF RECORDS - DAY]



Geoffrey De Monmouth : Yes?

Merlin : Gaius asked me to fetch a book. The er...Bestiary of Phylum of Cambria?

Geoffrey De Monmouth :The Bestiary? I haven't seen that for many years. It'll be somewhere in the east wing. No idea where.



[Merlin turns to his right and starts walking.]



Geoffrey De Monmouth : East is that way.



[Geoffrey points in the opposite direction and Merlin turns around to walk that direction.]



Merlin : Yeah.



[Merlin walks down to a particular row and finds the Bestiary on the top shelf of a very tall bookcase.]



Merlin : Great.



[Merlin tries to jump for it and climb the bookcase and ends up triggering a secret door. Merlin enters a hidden chamber and finds a magic book. He bumps into an octagonal box and something grumbles and pounds against the insides of it. Merlin sets the box upright.]



Merlin : Unluc scrin.



[The box unlocks and Merlin opens it. A goblin jumps out and Merlin falls backwards.]



Gobelin : Boo!

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[Générique]

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[03:52, INT. KING’S PALACE, HALL OF RECORDS SECRET CHAMBER - DAY]



Gobelin : Are you going to say something, or shall I?

Merlin : You can speak.

Gobelin : You're a sharp one.



[The goblin stretches.]



Gobelin : Ooh, ah. I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to do that. And that. And this.

Merlin : Shh.

Gobelin : I have been squished and squashed inside that box for more than 50 years! Time to have some fun.



[The goblin jumps up onto a bookcase and starts tossing objects at Merlin.]



Gobelin : Whoo! There you go!

Merlin : Have fun quietly. It's just...very quietly.

Gobelin : Uh-oh.



[The goblin threatens to drop a vase.]



Merlin : No. You are going to get us both into serious trouble.

Gobelin : Oh, oh, oh!



[The goblin drops the vase and it smashes into bits.]



Gobelin : Oh dear, what a shame. Never mind.

Merlin : Right. That's it. You are going back in that box while I work out what to do with you.

Gobelin : Oh. All right. If I really must.



[The goblin sulks towards the box.]



Merlin : In.



[The goblin climbs onto the box and then jumps onto Merlin's head.]



Gobelin : Ha-ha! Fooled you!



[The goblin takes off.]



Merlin : Stop messing around!



[The goblin searches through the room. Merlin sneaks up behind it with a blanket while it r*fles through a trunk.]



Gobelin : Nah. Nah. Nah. Maybe. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah...

Merlin :Got you.



[Merlin grabs it with the blanket. The goblin struggles and then the blanket goes flat. The goblin appears as a little yellow ball of light and squeezes through a cr*ck in the secret door.]



Merlin : No!



[Merlin exits the secret chamber and the goblin hits him in the back of the head with a book.]



Gobelin : Bull's-eye!

Merlin : Someone's going to see you!

Gobelin : Really? I'm just having a little tidy up!



[The goblin kicks books down from a top shelf.]



Gobelin : Look here you want to get rid of all of this. Nasty mess up here. Nobody's had a brush up here for years! Look at it all old and...right, that's enough, I'm off. Heehee.



[Merlin picks up the Bestiary, which the goblin knocked off the shelf, and runs to find the goblin. He stops in the aisle where Geoffrey is standing.]



Merlin : Found it.



Geoffrey De Monmouth : Ah.

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[06:26, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



[Merlin follows the trail of wall ornaments on the floor of the corridors.]



Gobelin : Ugh! No!

Merlin : No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Gobelin : No! No! None here! Argh.



[The goblin shoves a boot out from under Arthur's bed.]



Gobelin : None under here either!



[Merlin looks under the bed for the goblin.]



Arthur : Merlin. I really hope, for your sake, you have a good explanation for this.

Merlin : I...do have a good explanation. I'm spring cleaning.

Arthur : It isn't spring, and it certainly isn't clean.

Merlin : That's because I've only just started. Yeah, you wait until I've finished. You'll be able to eat your dinner off the floor. Not that you want to.



[The goblin searches through something outside Arthur's chambers.]



Arthur : What was that?

Merlin : Why don't I go and see, and you can make yourself comfortable.

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[07:34, INT. KING’S PALACE, MORGANA’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



Gobelin : Nearly, nearly, nearly.



[Merlin sees the goblin tossing bracelets out of Morgana's jewellery box.]



Merlin : No.



[The goblin sees Merlin and jumps out the window with Morgana's healing bracelet. Merlin hurries to put Morgana's jewellery back in the box. Gwen enters behind him and clears her throat.]



Gwen : I'm really not sure it suits you, Merlin.

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[08:07, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



[Merlin and Gaius flip through a book.]



Merlin : That's it.

Gaius : Seems you've unleashed a goblin.

Merlin : I know that face. That's not good, is it?

Gaius : Goblins are the most mischievous of creatures. Mischievous and dangerous.

Merlin : Didn't seem dangerous.

Gaius : Believe me, Merlin, goblins will stop at nothing to get their hands on the one thing they value above all others: gold.



[Arthur enters.]



Arthur : You're needed, Gaius, for a matter of great urgency and extreme delicacy.

Gaius : What is it?

Arthur : It's my father.

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[08:41, INT. KING’S PALACE, UTHER'S CORRIDOR - DAY]



Arthur : I should warn you, if you value your lives, do not even think about laughing.

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[08:54, INT. KING’S PALACE, UTHER'S CHAMBERS - DAY]



Arthur : Father?

Uther : I'm behind the screen.



[Gaius and Merlin find bald Uther hunched down in a chair behind a changing screen with his arms crossed.]

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[09:23, INT. KING’S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY]



Gaius : Only an enchantment could cause Uther to lose his hair like that. I've no doubt the goblin is to blame. We must catch it before it does any real damage.



[Merlin starts laughing.]



Merlin : Did you see Uther's face?

Gaius : Merlin, what do you think Uther will do to the person responsible for releasing the goblin?

Merlin : We need to catch it. How do we do that?

Gaius : We need to set a trap. And for that we need gold, and plenty of it.

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[09:52, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - NIGHT]



[Merlin pulls a money chest out from under Arthur's bed while Arthur's asleep. Merlin knocks over some dishes on the table on his way out. Arthur wakes.]



Arthur : Who's there?



[Arthur stands up on his bed and draws a sword.]



Merlin : (whisper) Oferbrædels ahries.



[The spell drops the canopy on top of Arthur and Arthur falls to the floor. Merlin laughs to himself as Arthur flails under the canopy.]



Arthur : Guards!



[Merlin leaves in a hurry.]

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[10:51, INT. KING’S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT]



[Merlin tosses a gold coin down the corridor for the goblin to find.]



Gobelin : Lovely gold.



[The goblin picks up the coin and licks it, then follows the trail that Merlin and Gaius have laid out into a storage room. The goblin rejoices at the sight of the chest of gold coins. Gaius closes the door and Merlin grabs the goblin with a blanket. The goblin turns into a little ball of light again and buzzes into Gaius's ear.]



Merlin : Gaius, did you see where it went?

Gobelin /Gaius : You let it escape you stupid boy! Now you just stand there like a sack of potatoes. Go after it! Go! Shoo! Shoo!



[Merlin leaves and Goblin (Gaius) licks the gold in the chest.]

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[12:20, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - NIGHT]

[Goblin/Gaius tosses objects from the shelves.]



Merlin : I've searched the entire palace. There's no sign of the goblin any...what happened?

Gobelin /Gaius : It's that pesky goblin! You let it escape and it's ransacked my premises! You've got some cleaning up to do. Clean! Clean!

Merlin : Where you going?

Gobelin /Gaius : I'm going to the tavern.

Merlin :You never go to the tavern.

Gobelin /Gaius : Then I shall see what I've been missing.

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[12:54, INT. LOWER TOWN, THE RISING SUN - NIGHT]



[Gaius enters as the tavern folk are cheering over arm wrestling match. The winner takes the gold on the table and Goblin/Gaius licks his lips. Goblin/Gaius places his gold coins on the table in front of the winner.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Shall we arm wrestle, or do you require a moment to recover what little strength you have?



[Goblin/Gaius wins the match and takes the gold, licking his lips.]

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[13:53, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



[Goblin/Gaius belches as Merlin exits his chamber.]



Merlin : Oof, you look terrible. How much did you drink last night?

Gobelin /Gaius : You don't look so good yourself. What's your excuse?

Merlin : What?

Gobelin /Gaius : Shh. Too much talking. I have a head like the inside of a drum, and a mouth like a badger's armpit.

Merlin : Ugh, badger's armpit.

Gobelin /Gaius : Make yourself useful. Go to the market and fetch my breakfast. Away! Go!



[Merlin leaves and Goblin/Gaius pulls out the chest of gold and jewellery. Morgana enters.]



Morgana : Gaius?

Gobelin /Gaius : Yes, yes. What is it?

Morgana : I couldn't sleep last night. My healing bracelet's been stolen.

Gobelin /Gaius : Oh, tragedy. Travesty. Whoever stole it should be hanged, flogged, and hanged again.

Morgana : I was hoping you could give me a sleeping draught?

Gobelin /Gaius : A sleeping draught? Can't you count sheep like everyone else? Why are you bothering me with such things? Shoo!

Morgana : I don't know why you're being like this, Gaius. I'm the King's ward and you shall do as I ask.

Gobelin /Gaius : Ooooh, shall I now?



[Goblin/Gaius walks closer to Morgana and looks into her eyes.]



Gobelin /Gaius : I can see deep into your heart, and it's cold. Cold as stone. You play at being Uther's loving ward. You play it so well you fool him, but you don't fool me. You would see Uther dead and Camelot destroyed.

Morgana : Why would you say such a thing?

Gobelin /Gaius : Because it's the truth. There is evil in your heart.

Morgana : I don't know what's come over you. You were always such a good friend to me.

Gobelin /Gaius : I see the truth frightens you.

Morgana : It's you that frightens me.



[Morgana walks to the door.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Do you not want your sleeping draught after all, Lady Morgana?



[Morgana stops and looks at Gaius.]



Gobelin /Gaius : One moment.



[Goblin/Gaius magically creates a potion and hands it to Morgana.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Sweet dreams. Do come back and see me anytime.



[Morgana takes the potion and marches out with a scowl.]

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[16:43, INT. LOWER TOWN, TOM AND ROSE’S HOUSE - DAY]



[Goblin/Gaius holds up the arms of a man who is lying in bed.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Say "Ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, oooooh!"

Tom : Ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, oooooh!



[Gaius drops Tom's arms and turns to his wife, Rose.]



Gobelin /Gaius : He's certain to die.

Tom : I don't feel like I'm dying.

Gobelin /Gaius : If you value your life, you won't say another word, it could k*ll you instantly. Shh.

Rose : I believed he had a broken rib.

Gobelin /Gaius : A broken rib that's become infected with the most severe and terrifying infection that can only be treated by this remedy.



[Goblin /Gaius pulls out a potion bottle.]



Rose : Ah.

Gobelin /Gaius : Alas, it's very expensive.

Rose : Oh, we do not have any money to spare.

Gobelin /Gaius : In that case, your husband will die, and you'll spend the rest of your life in poverty and misery before dying a lonely, cold death, which is no less than you deserve.



[Tom makes noises with his mouth shut and motions for Rose to pay Gaius. Gaius continues visiting townspeople and demanding payment.]

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[17:48, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY]



Gwen : What can I do for you?

Gobelin /Gaius : It's more a question of what I can do for you.



[Goblin/Gaius grabs Gwen's face and looks her over.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Ah, it seems you're developing the symptoms already.

Gwen : Symptoms for what?

Gobelin /Gaius : The most severe and terrifying infection that is sweeping through Camelot like a plague.

Gwen : I haven't heard anything about an infection.

Gobelin /Gaius : That's because those who catch it are immediately struck dumb. Fortunately I have developed a very effective cure. It is yours in exchange for a gold coin.

Gwen : Very funny.

Gobelin /Gaius : Is it? I don't hear anyone laughing.

Gwen : You've never charged me for remedies before.

Gobelin /Gaius : Then I've clearly been a fool. Do you wish for a cure, or do you wish to walk around with a face covered in boils and your nose dripping with snot?

Gwen : Boils?

Gobelin /Gaius : Big, p*ssy boils. Bigger than you've ever seen.

Gwen : I'll fetch a coin.

Gobelin /Gaius : Come on, come on, I haven't got all day.



[Gwen hands him the coin and Goblin/Gaius hands her the fake remedy. She catches him licking his lips.]



Gobelin /Gaius : A most wise decision.

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[19:04, INT. KING’S PALACE, UTHER'S CHAMBERS - DAY]



Uther : You're sure this treatment will work, Gaius?

Gobelin /Gaius : I'm quite certain of it, My Lord.

Uther : Is it really necessary to slap my head like that?

Gobelin /Gaius : Completely and utterly necessary. We must restore the circulation to the scalp. You wish your hair to grow back, My Lord?

Uther : Get on with it, then.

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[19:45, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



Merlin : You're the goblin!

Gobelin /Gaius : Have you lost your mind?

Merlin : No, but you have! Or at least it's been taken over.

Gobelin /Gaius : Don't be ridiculous.

Merlin : I know Gaius as well as I know myself, and you are not him

Gobelin /Gaius : Ah, you've got me. How d'you like my new body? It's a bit old and creaky, but it's ever so much fun.

Merlin : It's not your body, it's Gaius's. What've you done with him?

Gobelin /Gaius : He's still in here somewhere.

Merlin : Gaius has done you no harm. Leave him.

Gobelin /Gaius : All right. You've convinced me. On second thought, I think I'll stay where I am. I like it in here. The freedom, the gold, the beer. Did I mention the gold?

Merlin : If you hurt Gaius...I will k*ll you.

Gobelin /Gaius : You'll be k*lling him. You see the problem? I'm him, he's me. We're all jumbled up in here.

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[20:51, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER OF DOOM - DAY]



Arthur : There have been instances of vandalism around the palace, as well as a number of thefts. I, myself, was a victim. Unfortunately, the thief managed to elude me.



[Gwen farts and the court stares at her. Morgana farts.]



Uther : Double the guard. I want the perpetrator found.



[Uther farts.]



Arthur : Yes, My Lord.



[Uther farts.]



Uther : The council is dismissed!



[Flatulence continues.]



Uther : Now!



[Everyone rushes out except Uther, Gaius, and Arthur.]



Uther : Gaius, is there anything you can do to treat this?

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[22:03, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



Gobelin /Gaius : Tell me you didn't think that was funny.



[Merlin gives Goblin (Gaius) a stone-faced glare.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Not even a little bit? Just a teeny-weeny bit?

Merlin : If you carry on like this, you're going to get Gaius k*lled.

Gobelin /Gaius : Merlin, you underestimate me. I have cured Uther of his farting and his baldness. He is, he tells me, forever in my debt. I am a genius.

Merlin : This has to stop.

Gobelin /Gaius : I see no reason why. Now, if you're quite finished, I'm going to the tavern.

Merlin : Bord, wiþ stende hine.



[Merlin's spell shuts the door so Goblin/Gaius can't leave.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Well, well, well. So you have a secret of your own, Merlin.

Merlin : Leave his body or you will regret it.

Gobelin /Gaius : Your magic may be powerful, but I have an advantage.

Merlin : What's that?

Gobelin /Gaius : I can hurt you...



[Goblin/Gaius magically throws a dagger at Merlin.]



Merlin : Culter, ic þe hate!



[Merlin's spell stops the dagger and he sends it back at Gaius, stopping just before it reaches Gaius's face.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Whereas, you cannot hurt me without hurting Gaius.

Merlin : I won't rest till I've found a way to force you out of Gaius's body.

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[23:37, INT. KING’S PALACE, HALL OF RECORDS - DAY]



Geoffrey de Monmouth : Ah, Gaius. I've been meaning to come and see you. I've got this terrible pain in my leg.

Gobelin /Gaius : That's hardly surprising when it has to support that enormous gut. Lose some weight, fatty.



[Goblin/Gaius enters the secret chamber and takes the magic book Merlin discovered earlier.]

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[24:13, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



[Merlin searches for Arthur.]



Merlin : Arthur.



[Merlin finds Arthur in the central corridor, followed by two guards.]



Merlin : Arthur, I have to talk to you.

Arthur : Arrest him.

Merlin : What? Arthur, what are you doing?

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[24:42, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER OF DOOM - DAY]



Uther : Is it true? You were responsible for the afflictions that I and other members of the court have suffered?

Merlin : What? No.

Uther : Gaius.

Gobelin /Gaius : I found this in your room. It's a book of spells and enchantments.

Merlin : He's lying. That's not Gaius.

Arthur : What are you talking about?

Merlin : He's been possessed by a goblin.

Gobelin /Gaius : The boy is reduced to making the most desperate and ridiculous accusations.

Uther : You seriously expect me to believe that Gaius is a goblin?

Merlin : It's, it's controlling him. Gaius is still in there...somewhere.

Arthur : Do you have any proof of these accusations?

Merlin : No!

Gobelin /Gaius : I fear that magic has corrupted you. It pains me more than I can tell you.

Merlin : I really doubt that.

Gobelin /Gaius : My Lord, I have been harbouring a sorcerer. For that I offer the most sincere apology.

Uther : You were not to know, Gaius. He's fooled us all.

Merlin : It's not me that's fooling you.

Uther : Silence! You've been found guilty of using magic and enchantments. In accordance with our laws, you will pay with your life. Take him away!

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[26:17, INT. LOWER TOWN, THE RISING SUN - NIGHT]



[Goblin/Gaius bumps into Sir Leon.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Clumsy oaf.

Sir Leon : Gaius? I will pretend that I didn't hear that.

Gobelin /Gaius : Are you deaf as well as stupid?

Sir Leon : I am a knight of Camelot and you will show me some respect.

Gobelin /Gaius : Fool, then I'll show you none.

Sir Leon : You will learn some manners, or I will teach you some.



[Gaius spits his drink in Sir Leon's face. Sir Leon draws his sword.]



Sir Leon : You may be old, but I cannot let this pass! Arm yourself!

Gobelin /Gaius : I'm just a foolish old man who’s had far too much to drink. Please accept my apologies. A flagon of ale for my friends!

Sir Leon : Then I accept your apology.



[Goblin/Gaius puts a potion in a flagon of ale and brings it over to Sir Leon's table.]



Sir Leon : Gaius.

Gobelin /Gaius : My apologies again. Don't know what came over me.

Sir Leon : It is forgotten.

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[27:37, INT. KING’S PALACE, DUNGEONS - NIGHT]



Merlin : Cæga cume her.



[Merlin floats the cell keys off of the sleeping guard's belt. Merlin escapes and tries to sneak past the drawbridge into the lower town. Guards spot him when the warning bells sound. Merlin runs.]

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[28:15, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT]

[Gwen wakes to the sound of the warning bells. Something creaks in her house and she grabs a candlestick as she climbs out of bed to investigate. Merlin grabs her from behind to muffle her scream and turns her around.]



Merlin : Shh!

[Guards run past outside.]

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[28:43, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER OF DOOM - DAY]



Arthur : Merlin has escaped. It seems he somehow managed to obtain a set of keys.

Gobelin /Gaius : Escape?! How is this allowed to happen? Incompetence!



[Uther and Arthur stare at Goblin/Gaius.]



Gobelin /Gaius : I didn't mean to speak out of turn, My Lord.

Uther : Gaius is right, this is unacceptable. The guards should be punished.

Arthur : I'll see to it personally.

Uther : Search the town, I want Merlin found.

Arthur : Yes, Sire.

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[29:14, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY]



Merlin : We need to force the goblin out of Gaius.

Gwen : And how do we do that?

Merlin : I don't know. I'll try to sneak back to Gaius's chambers. Maybe I can find something in one of his books.

Gwen : What can I do?

Merlin : Well, we need to convince Arthur. Maybe if you speak to him, he might listen to you.

Gwen : No, I can't.

Merlin : Why?

Gwen : After what happened in the council yesterday, I'll never be able to look Arthur in the face again.

Merlin : I know, it's embarrassing.

Gwen : It's more than embarrassing, Merlin! I cannot face him, ever.

Merlin : Come on, Gwen. It's not that bad. All girls do it, don't they?

Gwen : Not in public! And certainly not in front of the man they have feelings for!

Merlin :You still have feelings for Arthur.

Gwen : Not that it matters now, because he will never be able to look at me in the same way again.

Merlin : Gwen, if Arthur likes you, he likes you. Warts and farts and all.

Gwen : Merlin, I haven't got any warts.

Merlin : Then...you'll talk to him?



[Gwen can’t resist his adorable smile and sighs in defeat.]

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[30:19, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



[Someone knocks on the door.]



Arthur : Ah, Gaius, come in.

Gobelin /Gaius : I believe you wanted to see me.

Arthur : I wanted to thank you in person. It couldn't've been easy for you exposing Merlin like that.

Gobelin /Gaius : My loyalty to Camelot and your father comes first.

Arthur : And it is much appreciated. I should also thank you for ridding me of the most incompetent, rude, and lazy servant that Camelot has ever known.

Gobelin /Gaius : I'm just sorry you had to suffer his ineptitude for so long.

Arthur : And when we catch him, you'll see him hang.

Gobelin /Gaius : Ah, I shall look forward to that.



[Goblin/Gaius lifts the drink Arthur poured for him. Arthur stares at Goblin/Gaius.]



Gobelin /Gaius : Is something wrong?

Arthur : The Gaius I know would never look forward to seeing Merlin hang no matter what he'd done.



[Arthur draws his sword on Goblin/Gaius).]



Arthur : Merlin was telling the truth.



[Goblin/Gaius) magically smashes a vase over Arthur's head, knocking him unconscious. GoblinGaius casts a spell on Arthur as he exits.]

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[31:22, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHOENIX CORRIDOR - DAY]

[Gwen walks purposefully towards Arthur's chambers. Goblin/Gaius ducks into an alcove to avoid being seen.]

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[31:34, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



[Gwen approaches Arthur's door hesitantly. She raises her arm to knock, starts to run away, stops, returns to the door, and finally works up the courage to knock. Something makes a honking noise on the other side of the door.]



Gwen : Arthur? Arthur, it's Guinevere. Can I come in?



[Another honking noise comes through the door. Gwen enters and walks towards the bed.]



Gwen : Arthur? Arthur?



[Gwen rounds the corner of the bed post and sees Arthur hunched down on the floor with donkey ears. Gwen gasps.]



Gwen : What's happened to you?



[Arthur brays.]



Gwen : Did Gaius do this to you?



[Arthur brays “Yes”.]



Gwen : He's a goblin.



[Arthur brays “I know”.]



Gwen : Poor thing.



[Gwen pets one of Arthur's donkey ears. Arthur leans into her hand in pleasure, then brays indignantly.]



Gwen : Sorry. Merlin's working on a plan. We'll figure out what to do. Stay here.

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[33:19, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY]



Merlin :Arthur's a donkey?

Gwen : He has the ears of a donkey. And the voice. He-- he's braying.

Merlin : He's...braying.



[Merlin bursts out laughing.]



Gwen : It's not funny, Merlin.

Merlin :No. No, no, of course not. Arthur with the ears of a donkey, what's funny about that?

Gwen : He just looked so pitiful. I've never seen Arthur look like that. Did you find anything?

Merlin : I think so.



[Merlin places his hand on a book from the physician's chambers.]



Merlin : If the host body dies, the goblin dies with it. So, if Gaius is dying, the goblin will be forced to leave him.

Gwen : You want to k*ll Gaius?

Merlin : Just briefly. Once the goblin's out of Gaius, we have to trap it in a box lined with lead. It's the only container that will hold it.

Gwen : Where do we get a box lined with lead?

Merlin : Leave that to me.

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[34:25, INT. KING’S PALACE, HALL OF RECORDS - DAY]



Merlin : (whisper) Oþfiel æstel!



[Merlin's spell pulls and object from a shelf and drops it on Geoffrey of Monmouth's foot.]



Geoffrey de Monmouth : Ow!



[Merlin runs past unseen and enters the secret chamber to grab the Goblin's octagonal box.]

-0-0-0-

[34:53, INT. KING’S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY]



Sir Leon : It is the same for all of us who were in the tavern last night.

Gobelin /Gaius : That is most unfortunate.



[Sir Leon's face is covered in boils.]



Sir Leon : Please, can you treat it?

Gobelin /Gaius : *sigh* The infection has no cure. The itching will become almost unbearable.

Sir Leon : Itching? There is no itching!

Gobelin /Gaius : There will be soon enough. Itching so severe it has been known to drive men to madness.

Sir Leon : Gaius, please, there must be some remedy. We will pay whatever it takes.

-0-0-0-

[35:30, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]



[Gwen keeps a lookout while Merlin makes poison and an antidote.]



Gwen : Hurry up!

Merlin : I'm doing my best. Gaius normally deals with anything to do with poisons.



[Merlin pours the poison over the gold and jewellery in the stolen money chest.]



Merlin : As soon as the goblin's out of Gaius, you must give him the antidote. We only have a few seconds or Gaius will, you know, die.

Gwen : He's coming!



[Merlin hands Gwen the antidote and puts the chest back into hiding. Merlin and Gwen hide in Merlin's chamber and watch as Goblin/Gaius takes out the chest and licks the gold coins.]



Gwen : Ugh, that's disgusting.



[Goblin/Gaius begins to stumble and Merlin exits his chamber with the octagonal box.]



Gobelin /Gaius : You've poisoned me. You poisoned Gaius!

Merlin :Leave his body while you still can!



[The goblin exits Gaius's ear as a little ball of light and buzzes around the room. Gaius falls to the floor.]



Merlin : Give him the antidote!



[Gwen rushes towards Gaius, but the goblin buzzes past her and she stumbles into a table. Gwen drops the antidote and sends dozens of other potion bottles to the floor with it.]



Merlin : Back in the box.

Gobelin : You'll have to catch me first!



[Merlin chases the fully embodied Goblin. It turns back into a ball of light and flies into Merlin's mouth. Merlin spits it into the octagonal box and locks it in.]



Gobelin : (In the box) Oh, no let me out, I promise I won't do it again.

Gwen : I don't know which one's the antidote! Which one is it?

Merlin : I don't know.

Gwen : He's dying!

Merlin :I think it's this one.



[Gwen gives Merlin and "Are you sure?" look and Merlin keeps searching. He picks up another bottle.]



Merlin : Er...this one.



[Merlin turns Gaius over and pours the potion into his mouth.]



Gwen : Are you sure that was the antidote?

Merlin : No. Gaius! Come on! Please! Come on, you stubborn old goat!

Gaius : Who are you calling an old goat?

-0-0-0-

[39:23, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER OF DOOM - DAY]



Uther : You mean to tell me it was you who was responsible for the, er...baldness, the flatulence, the boils, and Arthur's donkey ears?

Gaius : I fear I was, My Lord. Or at least the goblin was while I was possessed by it.

Uther : Magic has the power to corrupt even the most honourable of men.

Gaius : Indeed. Though, I must assure you that Merlin was entirely innocent.

Uther : Then he is pardoned.



[The goblin struggles and grumbles inside the octagonal box.]



Gaius : May I suggest it is kept where no one will ever open it?

Uther : See that it's placed in the vaults. Gaius...do you know who was responsible for releasing the goblin in the first place?

Gaius : I'm afraid I've no idea, My Lord.



[The goblin struggles and grumbles inside the octagonal box again.]



Uther : Now. Secure it now.

-0-0-0-

[40:34, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHOENIX CORRIDOR - DAY]



[Gwen and Arthur stop awkwardly when they see each other.]



Gwen : My Lord.

Arthur : Guinevere. The, er...events of the last few days, I, er...I think it would be best if we...never spoke of them.

Gwen : I don't even know what events you're referring to.

Arthur : Quite. It's...it's been entirely uneventful. I need to train my men.

Gwen : I must see to the sheets.



[Arthur and Gwen walk past each other and sigh in relief.]

-0-0-0-

[41:27, EXT. TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY]



Gaius : I see you've been busy undoing the goblin's magic.

Merlin : As usual, I get no thanks whatsoever.

Gaius : Since releasing the goblin was entirely your fault, Merlin, I'm not sure you deserve any thanks.

Merlin : Wha...Arthur doesn't know that.

Gaius : For your sake, you better hope it stays that way.



[Arthur knocks over the knight that he's fighting and laughs. Onlookers laugh with him. Arthur's laugh becomes a bray. The other knights stop laughing, but grin silently as Arthur clears his throat.]



Gaius : (reprimand)Merlin.

Merlin : Just one more day. It's too good.