01x06 - Losing It

[bunniefuu]

INT. - MARSIE & CHICK'S SUB SHOP - NIGHT

[A sign advertises a not-so-tantalizing "Sierra Smoked Turkey with rasberry and chipolte sauce" - the misspellings theirs. The store sign above it reads, "Marsie & Chick's Sub Shop" and below that reads "Low-Fat Solutions".]

[Music plays. Sounds of the city can be heard from outside. The store is deserted, all except for a couple of teenaged, female employees who're behind the counter. Katie absently wipes the counter; Roxanne leans against the opposite counter, watching her.]

[title card: Detroit Michigan, Two Years Ago]

[The manager, a lanky guy about their age, comes in from the back.]

Manager: Hey! Roxanne! You got time to lean, you got time to clean, allright? Let's go.

[Roxanne lazily pushes a broom around a little bit, still watching Katie.]

Manager: That's more like it.

[The manager leaves to the backroom.]

Roxanne: (to Katie) What a tool.

[Katie smiles. Roxanne walks up to her. They start kissing and making out. The manager starts back to the front and stops when he sees them through the backroom door. He unzips his pants and starts masturbating.]

[main title]

INT. - GAY DANCE CLUB - NIGHT

[Clive is guiding Shane through the all-male dance club. Shane looks a tiny bit uncomfortable, possibly from the prospect of meeting Harry Samchuck. The dance floor is packed, dance music blares from the club speaker system, and colored lights and strobes flash throughout.]

[Shane follows Clive through the dance floor. Lots of guys are dancing, having a good time. Clive waves to Harry and Harry's friend, who are standing by the bar.]

Harry: (to friend) Oh, good, he brought him.

[Harry's friend snorts something from a b*llet capsule.]

Harry: (to friend, re: Shane) Oh, divine, no?

[Harry twirls the b*llet in his fingers. Clive and Shane arrive.]

Harry: Hey!

[Clive tries to grab the b*llet.]

Harry: (pulling b*llet away) Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no, no! Who raised you, wolves?

[Shane steps up to the bar.]

Harry: We make with some introductions before we reach for the dr*gs.

Friend: That's right.

[Harry walks up to Shane and grabs her ass.]

Shane: What the f*ck!

[Harry laughs.]

Clive: Harry, Shane. Shane, Harry.

Harry: (to Shane) You are... delicious.

Shane: (to Clive) Why didn't you tell him?

Clive: I didn't have a chance. I was going to but -

Harry: (looking at Shane) Ooh! Tell me! Tell me what.

Clive: Well, Harry, Shane's a...

Harry: (looking at Shane) Shane's a what? (to Clive) Shane is an... ex-con, a m*rder*r, perhaps! (to Shane) Oh, god, please tell me you're not heterosexual!

Shane: I'm a girl. Female. Harry.

[Harry looks at Shane, stunned, then looks at Clive. Clive smiles and nods. Harry looks at Shane.]

Harry: (laughing) My, my, my! Androgyny confounds, doesn't it? (to Clive) Well, I suppose it's revolutionary but I must admit I am disappointed because it's always the skinny boys that have...

[Harry reaches over and sticks something down the front of Clive's pants.]

Harry: ... oooh, the biggest cocks!

Shane: You're a real f*cking charmer, you know that?

Harry: Mmmm!

[Shane walks a few feet away to stand at another part of the bar. A couple of shirtless bartenders are mixing drinks.]

Harry: Just gorgeous!

Clive: Shane...

Harry: Oooh!

INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

[Tim gets up and sits on the edge of the bed. He sighs. The clock flips over from 2:59 AM to 3:00 AM. He gets up and parts the blinds to look out the window, then puts on some pants and some sparring gloves.]

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Tina is sitting on the sofa, reading "What To Expect When You're Expecting". Bette comes in and sits on the sofa. She puts Tina's feet in her lap and rubs them.]

Bette: Is there anything I can do for you?

[Tina looks at her and shakes her head 'no'.]

Bette: Anything at all? You don't feel sick do you?

Tina: Just awake. That feels good, though.

Bette: You know, you can sleep on the whole plane ride. You'll have a couple hours at the hotel, too, just before the opening.

[Tina reads her book.]

Bette: If you could have anything right now, what would it be?

Tina: Uh, something cold. Like sorbet? Only sweeter. Like those, uh, rocket popsicle things.

Bette: A Slurpee.

[Tina grins.]

Bette: 'K.

[Bette gets up and goes in the other room.]

Bette: (sing-song) A Slurp-ee.

INT. - GAY DANCE CLUB - NIGHT

[The bartenders are serving drinks. People are dancing. Shane is at the bar a few feet away from Clive and Harry and a friend of Harry's. She has her back to them and looks really uncomfortable.]

Clive: You know, Shane and I turned tricks in Santa Monica for six months.

Harry: Really? What did, uh, what did our friend do?

Clive: She only gave hand jobs. No, no matter how much they offered her. She could've made a lot of money.

Harry: Well, that... (touches Clive's nose) is called integrity. (cups Clive's face in his hand). Unfortunately, it's not something that you can buy or... (chuckling) steal in this town.

Friend: Friend: No, yeah.

Harry: (to Clive) You think, um, I don't know, you think she would...?

Clive: Shane? Oh, no, no. She's through with that. No. She's a hairstylist now. Well - sort of a junior assistant shampoo girl, aspiring...

[Harry walks away and over to Shane.]

Harry: (to Shane) So are you good at it?

Shane: (turns to Harry) Am I good at what?

[Clive and Harry's friend come over and listen.]

Harry: Because I am going to send you Cherie Jaffe. She's my business partner's wife, and if there's a corporation of Hollywood wives, Cherie Jaffe is the CEO.

Shane: So what?

Harry: So, if she likes what you do to her, you'll be the hottest hairdresser that Hollywood has ever seen before you even know what hit you.

[Harry walks away. Clive's eyes are big as saucers. Shane seems a little confounded and wary.]

Friend: Have a bump, Clive.

[Harry's friend gives Clive the b*llet.]

Clive: (to Friend) Thank you. (to Shane) Oh, my god. Is this not the coolest looking b*llet you've ever seen?

[Clive puts the b*llet to his nose and snorts. He hands it to Shane, then kisses Harry's friend on the cheek. Shane hesitates, then snorts. After a couple of seconds, she looks up and wrinkles up her nose.]

Shane: Oh, I thought that was gonna be blow! What is that?

Friend: Everyone's doing Oxy these days. Hey. Harry loves you. You're gonna be huge.

[Shane starts to smile. She and Friend shake hands.]

Shane: Thank you.

[Shane turns back to the bar. Friend pats her on the shoulder.]

Friend: Nice work.

[Shane starts to look a little woozy. She looks down and puts a hand to her forehead.]

EXT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT

[Tim is punching a punching bag. After a few moments, Bette walks up, a Slurpee in her hand. Tim exhausts himself, and bends over to catch his breath. He sees Bette. She waves.]

Tim: (catching breath) Sorry. Was I making too much noise?

Bette: (smiling) No. No, I just... (holding up Slurpee cup) Tina had a late-night craving.

[Tim steadies the bag and catches his breath.]

Bette: Do - do you want to talk about it?

[Tim nods.]

EXT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH - NIGHT

[Tim and Bette are sitting, talking. Tim is wiping his face with a towel.]

Tim: I'm a f*cking idiot.

Bette: (sipping on Slurpee) No you're not. I mean, it was a total shocker. I never would have figured Jenny would ever be unfaithful to you -

Tim: I married her, Bette. Eight hours after I walked in on her with Marina's head between her legs, we're saying "I do" in some... white trash chapel in Tahoe.

Bette: (a b*at) Oh.

Tim: Yeah. See what I mean?

Bette: Well, you know, I mean, we do - we do crazy things sometimes when we think we're gonna lose someone. I completely understand why you did it.

Tim: I just... woke up in the middle of the night in that hotel room. I'd never felt so empty, so just... so full of nothing. I... I left her there. I just walked out on her. But now I have no idea where she is.

Bette: Listen, I know. I know it must really hurt, but... Jenny is a writer, you know? I mean, writers crave experience. I mean, what if that's all it was with Marina?

Tim: What, craving experience? You think so? I think it was you f*cking dykes, that's what -

Bette: Hey, don't curse us all, allright. That's why Tina and I left your dinner party, because we didn't wanna be any part of it.

[Tim looks at Bette.]

Bette: Oh, my... um... you didn't know it was already going on then?

[Tim gets up.]

Bette: Uh, Tim, I didn't... I'm so sorry. I... (sighs) I didn't say anything... I didn't know what to do. I mean, you're my friend, and sometimes... (sighs) people k*ll the messenger.

Tim: How long was it going on?

Bette: You know, I think you should ask Jenny that question.

Tim: (upset) Why won't anyone tell me the truth, Bette?!

Bette: No more than a month, okay?

Tim: (upset) How many times?!

Bette: (defensive) Tim, I have no way of knowing that.

Tim: (upset) What, 10? 100? I mean, c'mon, Bette, I thought we were friends, right?

Bette: (defensive) I am your friend! I just - I don't know!

[Tim walks into his house.]

Bette: I'm sorry.

EXT. - A HIGHWAY SOMEWHERE - DAY

[Jenny sits on the side of the highway, writing in a notebook. Cars go whizzing past a few feet away.]

Jenny: (voice over) Tim. For you, my heart. Ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am.

INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

[Tim lays on the couch. He is anxious. The phone sits on the coffee table. He looks at it and sighs. It rings.]

Tim: (phone) Hello? (a b*at) No. I don't want to f*cking switch long distance companies.

[Tim throws the phone in the floor.]

Bette: (voice over) (phone) Okay, we're staying at the Soho Grand -

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY

Bette: (phone) - and the Museum of New Art is Midtown, so that means the car has to be there by 6:30, so we have plenty of time to sit in traffic.

[Bette is on her cell phone and busily pulling clothes out of the closet for the suitcase on the bed. Tina sits on the bed, taking deep breaths.]

Bette: (phone) (laughs) Okay? Allright. Thanks, James. Bye. (hangs up) (to Tina) Do you feel really awful?

[Tina smiles.]

Bette: Well, you can sleep in the whole plane ride. And we're in first class, how amazing is that?

Tina: Yah, I know! The Peabody Foundation actually included my name on the invitation. (smiling) For the first time, we're not "Bette Porter and Guest". (laughs)

Bette: I am gonna pamper you. (sits next to Tina) You won't have to do a thing, I can practically carry you there.

[Bette kisses Tina.]

Bette: (gets up) Okay?

[Tina nods. Bette goes back to packing. Tina tries to get up, but decides to sit back down.]

Tina: Ooh...

Bette: You're really not up to this, are you?

Tina: No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. (getting up) I'm gonna... (clears throat) I'm gonna pull it together. (chuckles) I am... Ohh... okay. (sits down) I'm just going to sit down.

[Bette zips the suitcase and looks at Tina.]

Tina: I just need to breathe.

Bette: (sits next to Tina) Babe, your health is by far the most important thing in our lives right now. Allright? And if you need to stay home, I will be okay.

Tina: Are you sure? I mean, this is so important for you. I really wanna be there.

Bette: (smiling) I would rather you came. But you know what? I want you to do what your body is telling you to do.

[Tina sighs.]

Bette: Okay?

[Bette kisses Tina on the forehead.]

Tina: I'm sorry, I wish I felt better. Gurudev recommended a Chinese herbalist who has a cure for morning sickness. I'm gonna call and make an appointment.

Bette: Oh, that's good. I mean, if Gurudev said -

[The doorbell rings. Bette and Tina sigh. Bette gets up.]

Tina: Allright.

Bette: I'm - I'm really worried about leaving you here by yourself.

[Bette grabs her bags.]

Tina: No, I'm... gonna be fine. Don't worry.

[The doorbell rings.]

Tina: I just can't believe I'm not going to New York with you.

Bette: You know what? I want you to call me anytime, for any reason. You will, right?

[Tina smiles. Bette leans down and kisses her.]

Bette: I love you.

Tina: Love you. Good luck.

Bette: (leaving) Thanks.

[Bette turns back and smiles at Tina. The doorbell rings again. Bette leaves. Tina sighs and lays down.]

Tina: Oh, god...

INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A.

[Shops and cars on a busy street.]

INT. - THE PLANET - DAY

[Shane's roommates are sitting at a table with notebooks and pens and coffee spread out around them. Alice sits a few feet away, reading a copy of OUT magazine. Jazzy guitar music plays in the background.]

Roommate #1: And we can have Go-Go dancers. Hot, sexy, girly-girls.

Roommate #3: No, no. What we need is super butch girls, that don't take off their clothes.

Roommate #2: Unless they want to.

[Roommate #1 gawks and Roommate #2 rolls her eyes at Roommate #3. Roommate #3 writes something down.]

Roommate #1: Uh, okay. Uh, what are we gonna call it?

Roommate #3: What about... Fuckwad?

Roommate #2: Boring. Labia.

Roommate #1: Labia's too clinical.

Roommate #3: Yeah, too 70s. Okay, how about... (excited) Twat.

[Alice peers over her magazine at them.]

Roommate #2: Ooh. (nods) Twat is great.

Roommate #1: I love Twat.

Roommate #3: Me too.

Roommate #2: Done. Twat: The Night. (to Roommate #3) Do you think people will get angry?

[Alice dials Shane on her cell.]

Roommate #1: f*ck 'em! They'll just have to deal with it! It's not like we don't have penises in our faces every day of the week!

[Roommate #2 and Roommate #3 nod in agreement.]

Roommate #3: Exactly.

Roommate #2: Twat: The Night... "Deal With It."

Roommate #3: Uh-huh.

[The three put their hands together.]

Roommate #1/Roommate #2/Roommate #3: Go Twat!

[Alice watches with half-amusement.]

Alice: (phone) Shane! Where are you. It's really, really lonely here at The Planet. And your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we f*cked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross. Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye.

[Alice hangs up. Lisa approaches.]

Lisa: Mind if I join you?

Alice: (surprised) Hi! No! I mean, yeah! (giggles)

[Lisa sits down next to Alice.]

Lisa: So, how are things with your mom? Did she get the part in that movie?

Alice: Wow. I can't... believe you, uh, you remembered that.

Lisa: Well, I was worried about you. You seemed pretty stressed when she phoned.

Alice: Yeah. Well, it got a lot worse. But, you don't want - that's boring, you don't wanna hear about it.

Lisa: Talk to me.

Alice: Okay. Um, allright, well, uh, my mother spent all her money. There was never any part in any movie. Um, let's see. She's in debt up the wazoo, so now her Palms Springs condo is being foreclosed on. And now, my brother and sister both think that I should let her live with me, because, you know, they're married, they have children, y'know. The whole deal.

Lisa: They think you're inherently less-than. They treat you like a serf and order you around because you haven't embraced their conventional values.

Alice: (blown away) Yeah.

Lisa: They think just because they have traditional families and cleave to the ruling class model that you should be compelled to give up your chosen freedom and autonomy. I mean, just because we haven't followed down their strict, limiting, bullshit path to legitimize ourselves in their eyes.

Alice: (smiling) Yeah... that's exactly what I was trying to say.

INT. - SHANE'S CAR - PARKED OUTSIDE LATHER - DAY

[Shane is passed out across the seat, sleeping sound. Her boss, John, knocks frantically on the passenger window, which is partly open. He sticks his head sideways to talk through it.]

John: Shane! Shane!

[Shane jolts awake.]

Shane: Wha...

John: You get your ass out of there, get inside, and get cleaned up...

Shane: Ah, f*ck...

John: ... before one of the clients sees you!

Shane: (struggling to sit up) Hey, John.

John: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't you "Hey, John" me. You are a frightening mess in front of my shop!

[Someone nearby honks a car horn.]

Shane: (struggling to sit up) Oh, sh*t.

John: You know what? I do not care what skanky things you did to which skanky people to get into this state! But I will not tolerate you bringing that skank into my shop! Do you understand me?!

Shane: (sitting up) Yeah, yeah. I hear - I hear - I hear ya.

[Shane starts to go back to sleep.]

John: Get out. Get out.

[John opens the door. Shane nearly falls out.]

Shane: Ugh... Okay.

[Shane grabs her cigarettes off the dashboard and gets out.]

INT. - THE PLANET - DAY

[Tina joins Alice and Lisa at their table.]

Alice: Hey! I was just gonna call you. I swear. Bette told me to let you sleep 'til 10:30.

Tina: She called you?

Alice: Yeah. On the way to the airport at, like, 6 this morning, thank you.

[Alice chuckles and looks at Lisa. He smiles.]

Alice: (to Tina) So how you feelin'?

Tina: Well, I'm fine now that I've puked up most of my internal organs. Doctor Wilson thinks that I should go on these progesterone suppositories, but I'm gonna go to this Chinese herbalist this afternoon.

Lisa: Can I get you some tea? Something bland to nibble on?

Tina: Oh... thanks... I can... I can get it myself.

Lisa: No, no. It's my pleasure.

[Alice smiles at Lisa. Lisa touches Tina's arm.]

Lisa: This is such a... beautiful and crazy time in a woman's body.

[Tina raises a brow.]

Lisa: I'm jealous my body will never experience what you're experiencing right now.

[Tina looks at Alice, then back at Lisa. She smiles. Lisa gets up and goes to the bar. Tina turns around to watch him. Alice smiles and watches him.]

[Tina turns back around, smiling, and makes funny faces of astonishment at Alice. She doesn't know what to say. Alice responds in kind. The both chuckle.]

INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

[Tim dials the phone.]

Tim: (phone) Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a guest, Jenny Schecter. Oh, I'm sorry. The room's under Tim Haspel. H-A-S-P - sorry, what time did she check out?

EXT. - HIGHWAY - DAY

[Jenny stands on the side of a 2-lane highway, thumbing a ride.]

Tim: (voice over) f*ck, Jenny!

[Cars pass Jenny by. She holds out her thumb and watches them go past.]

Jenny: (voice over) (quietly) In addition to my heart, there are some small organs I want to give you: glands, sweetbreads, variety meats.

[An SUV pulls over. Jenny walks to the passenger window. After a moment, she gets in the backseat. The SUV pulls away.]

EXT. - POLICE STATION - DAY

[A nondescript building brick building. A large American flag is draped across part of the exterior.]

INT. - POLICE STATION - DAY

[Tim stands at the front counter, talking to the officer on duty. A few people wait in line behind him, including a couple of gay guys who whisper and stare as they wait impatiently.]

Officer: 4:00 AM Thursday morning. Mr. Haspel, we're not gonna be able to file this until your wife has been gone at least 48 hours.

Tim: Allright, look. Can't I just give you a description, that way if she's still not back, you already have the information, and we won't -

Officer: Afraid you'll have to come back for that.

Tim: But that doesn't make any sense. Allright? I - I need to just tell you what's going on here, that way you can decide what the smart -

Gay Guy #1: Excuse me. We're just here to renew our parking passes.

Tim: (to Guy) Will you hang on? I'm talking. Okay?

[The couple raises their brows at Tim. Tim turns back around to the sergeant.]

Tim: Allright. I'm sorry. Let me try this again, okay? My girlfr - I mean, my wife - is, uh... is upset right now.

[The officer stares down at Tim. As Tim goes on, the officer rolls his eyes subtly.]

Tim: Okay, she's not thinking clearly. Thing is, she was cheating on me. With a woman.

[The gay couple behind Tim giggle to themselves.]

Tim: Uh, and then we got married.

Gay Guy #1: (chuckling) Oh... my god.

Gay Guy #2: Quelle horreur.

[Tim turns around quickly, pointing at the couple.]

Tim: (angry) I'm f*cking serious! Shut up!

Gay Guy #1: (to Officer) God, if you find her? You better not return her to him!

[Tim rubs his neck.]

Officer: As I said, Mr. Haspel. There's nothing the police can do about this matter at this time.

[Tim starts to walk away.]

Tim: What if it was my boyfriend, huh? Would you help me then?

Gay Guy #2: Probably.

Officer: That's enough.

INT. - LATHER - DAY

[John is on the phone at the front desk. Ellie Zimmer, a new client, walks in. Dance music plays in the background.]

John: (phone) Uh, can you hold on for just a sec? (to Ellie) Hi, can I help you? (phone) Holding. (puts phone down) Miss Zimmer. Well. Welcome to Lather, and you're such a long way away from your studio.

[Ellie checks her watch.]

Ellie: I came directly from lunch, and I'm here to see Shane.

John: Shane. Shane. Great. Um. Well.

[Shane, in sunglasses, sleeps in a salon chair.]

John: (to Ellie) I'll go and get her. Why don't you just wait here for a second. And I'll see if she's ready, and, uh, just, um, have a seat.

[John darts over to Shane.]

John: (to Shane) Shane. Shane!

[Shane jolts awake.]

Shane: What?

John: For god's sakes! Ellie Zimmer is at the front desk!

Shane: Who the f*ck is Ellie Zimmer?

John: Zimmer, Zimmer. Ellie Zimmer! Studio chiefess, trend priestess, friend of Madonna and J. Lo both at the same time.

Shane: (yawns) Oh, yeah.

[John puts a hand over his face.]

Shane: I know her, Harry sent her.

John: Oh, my god. Do you have any idea how huge this is? Ellie Zimmer at Lather, and in your... hands... lord help us, for god's sakes...

[Shane yawns again. John kicks her chair.]

John: Stand up, clean up, c'mon!

[John turns around and pats Shane's chair and walks back to the desk.]

John: Miss Zimmer. Ellie. Um, Shane will be right with you, and in the meantime, why don't I offer you a chai tea, a latte, my new screenplay. (chuckles)

[Ellie looks over John's shoulder.]

Ellie: Is that Shane?

[John turns around. Shane smiles weakly. She drags a hand through her messy hair.]

John: Yeah, in, uh, all of her glory.

Ellie: (smiles) I love Harry.

INT. - THE SUV - DAY

[Jenny rides in the backseat, staring out the window. She's been crying. A couple of teenagers are in the front. One of them, Malcolm, turns around in his seat and stares at Jenny, then climbs back there with her. Jenny looks surprised.]

Malcolm: Hi.

[He pulls out a small baggie full of shrooms. Jenny covers her face with her hand.]

Malcolm: You want one?

Jenny: f*ck.

[The girl, who is driving, looks in the rearview.]

Malcolm: Please? Pretty-pretty please?

Girl: C'mon, Jenny, just - just have a shroom.

[Jenny smiles, takes the bag and eats a few. The road stretches out before them, then blurs.]

INT. - HERBALIST SHOP - DAY

[Tina and two other women wait in the storefront to see the herbalist. One of them is Lei Ling, Marcus Allenwood's girlfriend. Tina doesn't know her yet.]

Lei Ling: This guy is the best. After my car accident, he fixed me up good as new. Now, I brought my boyfriend here for his chronic back problems. What are you here for?

[The other woman looks at Lei Ling then goes back to her book.]

Lei Ling: Is that an inappropriate question? I guess it is. (looks at Tina)

Tina: (smiling) Morning sickness. (rubs belly) I'm really hoping that it's gonna work.

Lei Ling: He is a miracle worker. I told -

[Marcus comes out of the back.]

Lei Ling: What did he say, Marcus?

[Tina recognizes Marcus and stands up to greet him.]

Tina: Marcus!

[Marcus walks over, smiling.]

Tina: (excited) Oh, my god. Bette and I, we were gonna call you - we, we - we - (giggles)

Marcus: Don't tell me.

Tina: (nods) We are! We're pregnant!

[Tina and Marcus hug.]

Marcus: Congratulations! That's awesome!

Tina: (laughing) Isn't it great?

[Lei Ling stands a few feet away, unhappy.]

EXT. - HIGHWAY - DAY

[The road. It's blurry.]

INT. - THE SUV - DAY

[Jenny is stoned. She stares out the window, crying.]

Jenny: (whispering) For you, my heart.

Malcolm: Why are you here?

Jenny: (smiling) Um. 'Cause you gave me a ride.

Malcolm: No. I mean, why are you here? Like, why were you hitchhiking? What's up? Are you running away from something?

Jenny: (smiling) No, I'm not running away from something.

Malcolm: Did you commit a crime?

Jenny: (smiling) (shakes head) No, I didn't commit a crime.

Malcolm: Well, what was it, then? You did something bad.

[Jenny sighs.]

Jenny: It's just that I, uh, had this boyfr... this, uh, husband... (smiling) named Tim. And... I love him very much. And then, I, uh, I fell... just like... (gestures) And then, I met this woman named Marina.

[The girl glances back in the rearview mirror.]

Jenny: And I had this affair. And then Tim found out.

[Jenny shakes her head and rolls her eyes.]

Girl: So, you're, like, a lesbian?

Jenny: (laughs) I don't know.

Girl: Dude, you should be really careful about that. Yeah, my friends Roxanne and Katie, they got totally busted being lesbos in the restaurant where they worked... they were, like, going down on each other or something and the manager saw, and totally - he ratted them out to their parents. And they got sent away to boarding school, and... one of them k*lled herself.

Jenny: (distant) Oh. That's really horrible.

Girl: So, be careful.

Malcolm: (to Jenny) Those weren't her friends. It was an Afterschool Special.

Girl: Whatever. She - she totally d*ed.

[Jenny smiles and stares out the window.]

INT. - HERBALIST SHOP - DAY

Lei Ling: Sperm donor. You never told me you were a sperm donor.

Marcus: Babe, it's not a big deal.

Lei Ling: Not a big deal? (steps up to Marcus) (yelling) Listen! The lifecycle of a sperm cell is 72 hours!

[Tina looks nervous. The other customer gets up and leaves.]

Lei Ling: The sperm you gave her was in you when you and I made love! Those are not your sperm to give!

Tina: (smiling) I'm sorry, I think that you, um... I'm sorry, what's your name again?

Lei Ling: Well, what's your f*cking name?

[Tina sits down.]

Lei Ling: What if we decide to have a baby? That (pointing) will be a half-brother or sister! So, were you thinking we'll all get together for Christmas? Birthdays? Or were you planning to never even tell me?!

[Tina watches, thunderstruck. The herbalist, behind the counter, implores the two.]

Herbalist: Excuse me.

Marcus: Lei Ling, you're way ahead of yourself.

Lei Ling: Way ahead of myself?! (gesturing) You are planting your seed all over creation, and I'm ahead of myself? You're an assh*le! And that means you're... behind yourself!

[The herbalist walks over.]

Herbalist: (pointing) I'm going to have to tell you to take this outside!

Lei Ling: (speaks Chinese) Take yourself outside!

[Marcus quickly escorts Lei Ling outside.]

Tina: Bye, Marcus...

[Tina tries to regroup when the assistant snaps at her.]

Herbalist: (pointing) You! Outside!

Tina: (pointing at self) What?

Herbalist: Yes, you! (pointing) Outside!

INT. - THE SUV - DAY

[Still driving along a tiny highway. Jenny and Malcolm are still in the backseat. She's writing in a notebook. Malcolm rests his head on her shoulder.]

Malcolm: What are you writing?

Jenny: A letter to Tim.

Malcolm: (smiling) Will you read it to me?

Jenny: (shaking head) Mm-mm.

Malcolm: Please?

Girl: Jesus Christ, would you please read to him?

Jenny: (whispering to Malcolm) Okay. "Tim. For you, my heart... Ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. And if I could, I would plunge my fingers...

[Jenny cups a hand over her mouth to whisper.]

Jenny: ... "through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you. A pulpy mass... of morbid diathesis."

Malcolm: What's diathesis?

Jenny: Um... it's like a susceptibility to disease. It's like... all those parts of me that are susceptible to invasion.

Malcolm: Wow. Morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, mor - but that would mean it would be putrid. What good would it do to offer Tim a pile of sick meat?

[Jenny rolls her eyes, unable to explain. She sighs.]

Malcolm: Please read some more.

Jenny: (smiling) "In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that want to give you: glands... sweetbreads... variety meats."

[Malcolm sits up, squinting at something offcamera. Jenny looks at him, then looks at whatever he's looking at. She sighs.]

EXT. - HERBALIST SHOP - DAY

[Tina comes out and heads to her car. Lei Ling, standing outside, approaches her.]

Lei Ling: (yelling) It's not fair to me! How could you do this?

[Tina looks worried. She walks quickly to her car, parked a few feet away on the curb. Lei Ling follows her.]

Lei Ling: (yelling) What kind of woman wants the child of a man she barely knows?

[Tina tries to get in her car, but Lei Ling stands in front of the car door.]

Lei Ling: You have not heard the end of this, lady. I know my way around the legal system. And I can tell you Marcus and I have rights over this child! And I will sue if I have to.

[Lei Ling walks away, toward a white Jeep that has just pulled up. Marcus is driving. Tina quickly gets into her car and locks the door as the Jeep pulls away.]

[Tina watches the Jeep drive off, then dials her cell phone in a panic.]

Tina: (phone) (panicked) (voice wavering) Oh, baby?! God, I'm really flipping out right now. Something horrible just happened. I just... I really need to talk to you. Where are you? (nods) Okay, you're probably on your way to M.O.N.A. Um, don't worry... I'm gonna be okay. Just call me when you get this. Okay, bye.

[Tina hangs up and takes a deep breath.]

Tina: f*ck.

INT. - LATHER - DAY

[Shane leans against the counter. John is taking down Ellie's credit card info. Ellie's hair is freshly styled.]

Ellie: Harry was right, you are a hair genius, Shane. No one else is gonna touch me.

Shane: Thank you.

John: Yeah. It looks great, really fantastic. (pats Shane's shoulder) Nice work, Shane. (to Ellie) You know, I might have done something... just a little different... may I touch you? Right...

[John leans over and brushes Ellie's hair back off her face.]

John: ... here. Oh, now that's perfect.

[Ellie fixes her hair.]

Ellie: (to John) Hm-mm. (to Shane) What are you doing tomorrow night? Do you want to come to a screening of the new Steven Soderbergh film? Harry'll be there.

John: Yeah, I'm free.

Ellie: Shane?

Shane: Yeah, um... sounds kind of beast, uh... but thank you.

[Ellie extends her hand. Shane takes it. Ellie slips a number into Shane's palm.]

Ellie: Call me.

Shane: Okay.

[Ellie lets go. Shane looks at the number.]

Ellie: (to John) Don't you just llllllove her?

[Ellie takes her receipt from John's hand and heads to the door.]

John: She's the best.

Ellie: Fantastic!

Shane: Anytime.

Ellie: Thank you.

Shane: Sure.

John: Bye...

EXT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

[A gift basket sits by the door. Tina sees it and takes the card. The front reads, "Baby, I love you". On the inside is written, "For my baby and our baby, Love you B". Tina smiles.]

INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF MANHATTAN

[A busy boulevard, traffic, street lights and store signs.]

EXT. - MONA - NIGHT

[People walk past a sign that advertises the "Provocations" exhibit.]

INT. - MONA - NIGHT

[The museum is packed with people who are all milling around and admiring the exhibit. Bette mingles among them.]

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Tina sits in a chair, checking out the gift basket and listening to her answering machine messages. She presses a button. The machine beeps.]

Alice: (machine) Hey, it's Al. Um, Dana and Snookums said they were bringing you chow, so I'm gonna come over a little later, after my situation. That's what I like to call dinner when I have no idea whether it's a date or not. Allright, see ya.

[Tina smiles. The machine beeps.]

Dana: (machine) Hi, it's me, Dana. Uh, Lara and I will be over at 7, and we'll get some takeout from that Thai place you love, okay? Bye.

[Tina puts some lotion on her hands. The machine beeps.]

Shane: (machine) Hey, T., it's Shane. Look, Bette called and said we should still do poker even though she's outta town.

[Tina rubs some lotion on her belly. The machine beeps.]

Lei Ling: (machine) You can't walk away from me like that. It's easy for me to find out where you live! I want you to know that! That is not your baby!

[Tina quickly stops the playback. She picks up the phone and dials Bette.]

Tina: (phone) (upset) Baby? I'm sorry to bother you, but, I'm just really desperate. Something terrible's happening and I - I really need to talk to you. Okay? Allright, so call me back. Please?

[She hangs up.]

INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Randy and Carolyn are over, talking to Tim. Tim is pacing.]

Randy: I mean, honestly. I would've left, too, man. I mean, I probably wouldn't have gone up there in the first place, but what I'm saying is, you did the right thing. I mean, you had to get out of there. Clear your head.

Carolyn: I'm worried. There are a lot of sickos out there. Serial K*llers.

[Tim looks queasy.]

Randy: Carolyn...

Carolyn: Well, she left the motel when? Day before yesterday? And nobody's heard from her? Not - she hasn't checked in with anybody?

Tim: (worried) f*ck.

Carolyn: Has anybody called her mother? Somebody should check with her mother.

Tim: Sandy. sh*t, I should've called Sandy.

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Tina is on the phone. Unfortunately, it's Lei Ling.]

Lei Ling: (phone) Marcus is my boyfriend! And I am not -

[Tina slams the phone down. Someone knocks at the door. Tina, paranoid, peeks through the window. It's Dana and Lara, bearing takeout sacks. Tina opens the door.]

Tina: Oh, god! Thank god you're here!

[Dana and Lara come in and set the takeout down on the table.]

Tina: She just called again. This woman is totally crazy.

Dana: Who is she?

Lara: Do you really think she's gonna come over here?

[Tina closes the door.]

Tina: (worried) I don't know if she's even capable of anything.

Dana: (to Lara) Allright. Let's go around the house, make sure all the doors and windows are locked.

[Tina locks the door and peeks out the window. Dana and Lara start with the windows nearby.]

Lara: Yeah, that's a good idea. You're so smart.

Dana: No. You're the smart one.

Lara: No, only in cooking.

Dana: No, and photography.

Lara: But you have mind and body intelligence.

[Tina stops and raises a brow at the two.]

Dana: (giggles) (to Lara) No, you do.

[Dana and Lara stand close to one another, smiling and giggling.]

Lara: No, you do.

Dana: Shut up. I said it first.

Lara: I said it second.

[Dana laughs, then sees Tina.]

Dana: Sorry.

[Lara heads off to check the other doors and windows.]

INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Tim is on the phone to Jenny's mother, Sandy. Randy and Carolyn sit nearby.]

Tim: (phone) Hi. It's Tim. Yeah, Timothy. Good, uh... actually, not so good. Uh, Sandy, I don't know where Jennifer is. (a b*at) She's missing. And I'm kinda worried, to tell you the truth. Yeah, I just, uh, didn't want to alarm you. I just thought you should know and we need to - what? When? No. No. I don't think she's insane at all. No, I think she knows exactly what she's doing, Sandy. Yeah. I'm glad she's allright, too. I need to go. Allright? Yeah, thanks.

[Tim slams the phone down angrily.]

Tim: (shouting) Dammit!

Randy: (standing) Whoa, calm down. What happened?

Tim: She called her mother over an hour ago.

Carolyn: (sighs) She's okay. That's really good.

Tim: Yeah, so where the f*ck is she?

Carolyn: (sighs) If I had to guess, I'd say she probably...

[Carolyn and Randy look at each other. Tim turns around and grabs his keys off a desk.]

Tim: Um, thanks a lot for coming over, you guys, really.

Randy: Where you going?

Tim: (grabbing jacket) I don't know. I just need to get out of here.

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[A knock at the door. Alice and Lisa enter. Music plays in the background.]

Alice: Hi.

[Shane, Dana, Lara and Tina are seated around the coffee table with beers and water. Shane is shuffling a deck of cards.]

Shane: Hey. Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Alice: Ugh. Do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?

Shane: Yes, I do.

[Alice and Lisa sit down at the coffee table. Shane starts dealing cards.]

Alice: (to Tina) So, what's happening with the psycho lady? Is she still calling or what?

Tina: We unplugged the phone.

Shane: (dealing cards) Allright. Dollar ante. You in, Leese?

Lisa: Yeah.

[Lisa pulls out his billfold, pulls out two dollars and puts them on the table.]

Lisa: One for the lady.

[Tina smiles. Dana raises her brows. Alice takes up her hand and smiles.]

INT. - MONA - NIGHT

[The exhibit continues. People are milling around, talking about Bette. As we look around at the artwork, we hear some of their comments. Music plays in the background.]

Person #1: She went right to Peggy? That takes balls.

Person #2: What's her name?

Person #3: Bette Porter. The director of the California Arts Center.

[Bette talks to a woman.]

Woman: I was extremely impressed how you went up in the face of the big boys. I, uh... I'm honored to meet you.

[Bette and the woman shake hands. Bette beams.]

Bette: (smiling) Oh. Thank you.

Woman: The sister that snatched the show from under MOCA's nose.

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[A knock at the door. Tina looks through the window, then unlocks the door and lets Kit in.]

Shane: Hey, Kit. Liquor in the front and poker in the rear, huh?

Kit: (chuckling) Neither, thanks. (to Tina) Hey. Are you okay?

[Kit and Tina hug.]

Kit: Oh. What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on?

[Tina sits back down. Kit joins the others at the table. Shane deals her in.]

Kit: Bring her on. I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time. Look at all these women!

[Kit notices Lisa for the first time.]

Kit: (pointing to Lisa) And dude. We... will... kick... ass.

Dana/Lara: Yeah.

Shane: Right!

Tina: Yeah!

Alice: Yeah!

[Kit bangs on the table a few times in agreement.]

Kit: I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.

[Everybody laughs.]

Dana: (raising fist) Yeah!

EXT. - THE PLANET - NIGHT

[Tim stands outside, banging on the door.]

Tim: Jenny. (bangs on door) Jenny!

[Footsteps are heard inside. Tim bangs harder on the door. Marina opens it. Tim pushes past her and barges in, looking around.]

Tim: Where is she?

Marina: Why don't you come in?

[Tim walks through The Planet quickly, looking all over the place.]

Tim: Where is she?

Marina: She's not here. You need to calm down.

[Tim furiously pushes in Marina's office door, looking for Jenny. Marina walks back into the store and stands by the bar. Tim walks back toward her, mad as hell.]

Tim: (angrily) Don't f*cking tell me to calm down, you vulture, where is she?!

Marina: Last time I saw Jenny, she told me she never wanted to see me again, remember?

Tim: You have no conscience, do you? You don't even feel bad.

[Marina looks back at something on the bar.]

Tim: (angrily) Tell me something, when you were sitting at my house eating dinner, did you think for a second that maybe your actions weren't altogether - (hits bar) look at me!

[Marina looks up and stares icily at Tim.]

Tim: (angrily) That it might not be altogether honorable?

Marina: (a b*at) Honorable?

Tim: Yeah, what, you don't know what that means? Or is it just not important to you?

[Marina says nothing. She continues to give him an impassive stare. He menacingly points a finger in her face.]

Tim: (angrily) See, right there, that f*cking kills me! You just standing there saying nothing! (a b*at) You lied to me! You got my girlfriend to lie to me, too, and you have nothing to say for yourself?!

Marina: Jenny's responsible for her own actions. (sternly) As we all are. (a b*at) I don't think it's me you're angry with.

Tim: Don't tell me how I feel. (angrily) Do not! You preyed on her. Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what?

[Tim steps into Marina's face.]

Tim: You are f*cking pathetic, Marina. Do you hear me?

[Marina smiles.]

Tim: That's funny? You find that f*cking funny? Look at me.

Marina: Yeah.

Tim: What is it you do? You girls? Should I even care? Huh? Does it even count?

[Marina looks down her nose at Tim.]

Marina: Well, you were there. You saw how much it counts.

[Tim and Marina stare daggers at each other. Marina pushes him.]

Marina: You need to leave, now.

[Tim pushes her back, hard. Marina reels.]

Tim: Don't f*cking touch me!

[Marina pushes him back harder, toward the door.]

Marina: Jenny's not here. Now, get out of here.

[Tim grabs Marina's arms and holds them so she can't get away.]

Marina: (quietly) What are you trying to prove?

[Marina tries to get out of his grip, but he holds on to her.]

Tim: What do you think?

Marina: I don't know, Tim. You tell me.

Tim: (shakes Marina) Look at me.

[Marina looks Tim dead in the eye.]

Tim: (quietly) Do you think I'm f*cking joking?

Marina: No.

Tim: (nods) That's it.

Marina: Really?

[Tim lets go of Marina and heads out the door. Marina locks the door behind him and picks her bag up off the floor.]

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[The g*ng is playing poker. Lisa is out of the room.]

Dana: (to Alice) Okay, so, what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?

[Alice throws food at Dana.]

Alice: I am a bisexual.

Lara: Okay, I'm confused.

Dana: Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian-identified... male.

Lara: (to Alice) So what is that, is that like a transsexual?

Alice: No.

Dana: I wonder how he pees. Sitting down?

[Kit shakes her head.]

Dana: I don't know. You think, Shane?

[The toilet in the hall is heard flushing.]

Shane: I never peed with him. I don't know.

Tina: (to Alice) I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or a man?

Dana: (to Alice) Maybe you should call yourself a trisexual?

Kit: (chuckles) Damn, what is it with you people and your need to take apart everything and process each little detail?

[Lisa comes back and sits back down next to Alice.]

Kit: If the dude wanna give up his white man rights to be a second-class citizen, then hey, welcome to our world.

[Everyone takes a second to consider this, then agrees.]

Dana: Okay, she's got a point. Cheers. Welcome to the fold.

[Everyone toasts with their drinks. Alice and Lisa smile at one another.]

Shane: Welcome. Welcome to the heavenly gates.

EXT. - MONA - NIGHT

[Bette is walking down the street. She checks her messages on her cell phone and hears Tina's message. She dials home. The machine picks up.]

Machine: (Bette) Hi, it's Bette and Tina's. Leave a message after the beep.

[The machine beeps.]

Machine: The mailbox you are trying to access is full. Please try again later.

[Bette hangs up and dials Kit's house, then flags down a taxi. Roger answers the phone.]

Bette: Yeah, hi, Roger, it's me, Bette. Did Kit say what the emergency was? (a b*at) How long ago did Tina call?

[A taxi pulls up. Bette opens the door to get in.]

Bette: (phone) Okay, allright, thanks. (to driver) I need to go to the Soho Grand.

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[The game is over and everyone is scattered around, sleeping on the floor and sofas. Lara and Dana sleep next to each other on the floor.]

Dana: I can't sleep.

Lara: Me neither.

[Lara looks up. Shane, Kit, Alice and Lisa are asleep on the floor and sofas nearby.]

Lara: Everyone else can.

Dana: What are you doing?

[Lara unbuttons Dana's pants.]

Dana: No, don't, stop, we can't, we can't, we can't...

Lara: Who says?

[They kiss. Dana keeps looking around nervously. Nobody is awake. Dana and Lara start to quietly make love. After a moment, their moans and sighs get louder. Alice opens her eyes, then Shane; Dana and Lara don't notice.]

Lara: (whispering) I'm finding this sexy. What about you?

Dana: (whispering) We have to be really quiet.

[They get louder. Kit wakes and grins. Dana and Lara are moaning and panting, completely in the throes of passion. Alice grins and squints her eyes shut.]

[Kit clears her throat to get Dana's and Lara's attention.]

Dana: sh*t, sh*t!

[The two stop, embarrassed. Dana freaks out and Lara giggles. Dana rolls into a ball, hiding her face in her hands.]

Dana: God, it's not funny.

INT. - THE SUV - NIGHT

[Jenny is now driving, and still crying. She dozes off for a second. The computerized map on the dashboard pings.]

Computerized Voice: You missed your last turn. Make a U-turn at the light.

Girl: (to Jenny) Don't listen to that bitch Just go straight.

Are you sure? How are you feeling, Malcolm? Hm.

I wish I was Tim He's such a lucky guy Getting all those gifts from you.

If only you knew, Malcolm Hello this is Bette Porter oh, Peggy.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean I didn't mean to wake you.

Well, something has come up and and I'm not gonna be able to make it to your dinner tonight.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm on I'm on my way to Los Angeles right now.

I know you did I'm really, I'm very, very sorry.

My - my, uh, partner and I are - are having a baby, and she's 11 weeks pregnant and I'm just worried that something might have happened to her.

Thank you Thank you, I really appreciate that.

Hi, it's Bette and Tina's.

Leave a message after the beep.

The mailbox you are trying to access is full.

Please try again later.

It could be her! Tina, Marcus.

Tina, I'm so sorry I had no idea Lei Ling was gonna be so upset.

Y'know, I should've just waited and called you Well, she's calmed down now, but I told her not to phone you again.

Promise.

And I tried to call you, but your voice mailbox is full.

Oh, sh*t yeah.

Okay.

Good to see you.

Take care.

Buh-bye.

I'm so glad you dropped by.

Thanks.

Oh, god Oh, sh*t! Phone's still unplugged.

.

This is Lei Ling! Listen, lady! If you think This is Lei Ling! I won't be ignored! Miss Psycho.

End of messages.

Bette didn't call.

Hi, this is Bette, you can leave a message for me here or you can try me at the "C.

A.

C.

" Her cell phone's not answering.

Call her hotel! Oh.

Bette Porter please.

What? Are you sure? Um okay.

She checked out What that's so weird.

Where - where's she gonna go? She had to sleep somewhere.

No, no, no.

I'm sure it's fine She's got a million things and y'know.

Maybe she didn't like the sheets at the hotel or something Right? Yeah.

That was probably it.

Yeah.

It's nothin'.

Yay, momma's home! Are you okay? Yeah.

Le b�b� va bien? Yeah, the baby's fine.

Everything's fine.

What happened? I was so worried! I mean, you left all these messages and then I couldn't reach you.

So you got on a plane and you flew all the way home? I was worried.

So what happened? There's this crazy woman and Marcus Allenwood's girlfriend.

She was at the Chinese herbalist and she completely freaked out on me And, uh I couldn't handle it.

I left New York I'm sorry.

I - I came home all the way from New York.

I'm so sorry I'm sorry.

Bette - so, how was New York? It was um it was incredible.

I mean, it seemed like all of New York knew the story about how I grabbed "Provocations" out from under MOCA's nose.

I was, like, kind of a star.

Y'know.

Peggy Peabody was throwing a dinner party for me tonight in my honor and I was cultivating this major, major donor that I was hoping to get on my board of directors.

And now you're not gonna be there.

It must be the hormones.

I'm just I'm just relieved everything's okay.

That's all that really matters.

I'm sorry.

I'm offering these gifts.

Rare gifts I know that they don't amount to much in the face of what you've given me.

I've heard these organs can't survive outside the body for more than a few hours But I'll try to get there as soon as I can.

Whatever happens, it will be on me On my heart