10x04 - Pig Trouble in Little Tina

[bunniefuu]

GENE: Then that young man looked down at his crotch and said "Hello, ween.

" And that, my friends, was the birth of Halloween.

- Is that true?

- A thousand percent.

Bob, what do you think?

- Bob?

- What?

What?

Sorry.

My hearing's all messed up.

I think my ears are still kind of clogged from that cold.

Oh, boy.

Poor old thing's too proud to say he's going deaf.

(shouting): Just be deaf, Dad!

It's fine!

It's natural for your age!

- Stop.

- Oh, Tina, isn't today the day your class dissects those fetal piggies?

Oink, oink, oink, oink.

(snorts)

Oink, oink, oink, oink!

Ugh.

Yes, don't remind me.

Tina, dissecting a fetal pig is, like, the one cool thing you have going on right now.

Okay, can we move on to more important stuff?

Guys, tell me honestly.

Do I look like someone who would be fun to have on a haunted hayride?

What haunted hayride, honey?

Tammy invited a bunch of eighth graders to go on a haunted hayride on Halloween.

I asked if I could go too, and she said, "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh," and walked backwards away from me.

That jerk-o-lantern.

Isn't that hayride for, like, little kids?

And farmers?

And people who like to say "Hay-ay!" Yeah, but Tammy's cousin who's in high school She went on it last year with a bunch of her friends - and things got kissy.

- GENE: Mmm.

And Jimmy Junior will be there, probably in denim overalls with no shirt underneath and one of the straps down, 'cause that makes sense given the situation, and we'll sit next to each other all night, our pumpkins bumping together.

- Tina, I don't think Dad caught that last part.

- Oh, sorry.

(loudly): I said our pumpkins will be bumping together!

Yup.

Great.

Got it.

TEDDY: So I said, "You owe this to yourself, Teddy. " So I did it.

I bought the tissues with the lotion in 'em.

The end.

I told you that story would be worth it, huh, Bob?

- Bob?

- Oh, yeah.

I-I I definitely heard all that.

Bob, I need a burger of the day, but add pickle.

Bob?

Hello?!

Huh?

Oh.

Um, hi?

(groans)

I really need you to hear things, Bob.

Maybe you just need to say more exciting things, like my lotion tissue story.

Teddy, shush, shush, shush.

Okay, here's an old trick to clear your ears I learned from my Uncle Donny who learned it in prison.

Now, hold your nose and swallow, and try to gargle, like this.

(makes gargling sounds)

Okay.

(makes gargling sounds)

(both make gargling sounds)

Well, I don't want to be the only one not doing it.

(makes gargling sounds)

(all making gargling sounds)

It's not working.

- (all making gargling sounds)

- Oh, my face!

- Oh, my God.

- LINDA: Did that just come out of your ear?!

- Yes.

- Wow.

- Bob, are you dying?

- I don't know.

Maybe?

It's so big and waxy.

I'm gonna keep it.

It's not brain, right?

Let's say no.

So who should I make out with on the hayride Jason Kozlowski or Davey Russo?

Well, "Davey" rhymes with "gravy," so maybe Jason?

- Oh, my God, good point.

- Hey, Tammy?

Any word on availability vis-Ã -vis the hayride?

'Cause I don't have to take up that much space.

Check this out.

(Tina grunting)

Is she trying to fart?

MISS JACOBSON: Okay, class, I'm gonna start passing out the fetal pigs.

Tina, Angela is sick today, so no partner for you, I'm afraid.

Probably got swine flu, am I right?

(laughs)

Oh, God.

Sorry.

I joke when I'm nervous about dissecting pigs.

It's good, Zeke.

It releases the tension.

Excuse me, Miss Jacobson?

I have a note from my mom that says I don't have to do this 'cause it seems gross.

And I can forge a note right now that says that, as well.

You're all dissecting a pig, and there will be a test on fetal pig anatomy tomorrow.

- (students groaning, muttering)

- ZEKE: Dang.

Aw, he's so cute!

He's sleeping.

Thank you.

- Whoa.

- JOCELYN: Ew.

Tina's pig is nasty, and it's scaring our pig who's trying to rest.

Yeah, that little piggy went to the market, and everybody there threw up and d*ed.

He's got weird, ugly hairs on his chinny chin chin.

- Right, J-Ju?

- Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, Zeke.

It feels good to laugh.

Jeez, guys, I know he's dead, but I feel like it's not very nice to, you know?

Ugh.

Making fun of things or people is always fun.

It's right there in the name.

(quietly): We don't need that kind of energy on the hayride.

Um I mean look at this dead idiot.

Talk about a puke-chop, am I right?

- JIMMY JR.

: Ha.

- More like wham, bam, no thank you, ham.

- (laughter)

- I mean, whatever.

Okay, enough.

- Aah!

- Everything okay, Tina?

Uh yup.

Let's get dissecting.

Hey, Tina.

Crazy how gross your pig was, huh?

Uh, yeah.

Crazy.

Yeah then you called him "puke-chop," and I was like (high-pitched): "Nailed it.

" Uh sure.

Yup.

Hey, you should come with us on the hayride.

People say it's for little kids, but we're making it an eighth grade thing.

Having that fall fun, girl!

- So, Tammy, can Tina come?

- Ugh!

I guess we have an opening now that Harriet found out she's allergic to hay for some stupid reason.

She should just stop eating it.

So, fine.

Tina can come.

Oh.

Great!

Thanks, Tammy!

Thanks a whole lot.

What?

Tina, what?

- Tina, what is it?

- Oh, nipple.

I mean, nothing.

Guess who's going on the haunted hayride?

- It's me.

Tina.

- Aw, that's great, Tina.

My little hayseed.

It turns out all I had to do to get invited was impress the other eighth graders by making fun of my fetal pig.

Huh.

Teenagers are odd.

And I feel totally fine about it 'cause it's just a dead pig, and I'm a human girl going on a romantic hayride.

Aren't those the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song?

All right, all right, all right, enough about your day.

A giant ball of wax fell out of your Dad's ear!

KIDS: Whoa!

Dad, are you dying?

Why does everyone keep saying that?

I took pictures of it.

There's the wax next to a quarter.

There's the wax next to a tomato.

And there's Teddy pretending the wax just said something really funny.

What else do you think is inside Dad right now?

Well, I'm betting there's something in that other ear.

There is.

I think.

That's why I want to go in with the ear syringe.

- But here's the problem.

- (whimpers)

Stop!

I'm doing the gargle thing.

(makes gargling sounds)

I'm telling you, it's not working on that ear.

- We got to go to the syringe level.

- I don't like stuff near my ears.

Unless it's wax.

Or hair.

Or a juicy secret.

You'll see.

You'll all see.

When you get old and your body starts to make weird balls of things that fall out of you, I'm gonna be there laughing at you!

Aw, honey, we'll be dead.

But we can laugh at them from heaven.

I look forward to it!

(Bob snoring)

(shrieking, whimpering)

(quietly): Linda, stop it.

Stop it.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Good night.

I love you.

MALE VOICE: Tina?

Tina?

(snorting)

(snorting)

- (snorting)

- Ah!

- Aah!

- (snorting)

(Tina yells)

I'm hogging the covers.

Get it?

Hog?

Aah!

Yes, I get it!

Aah!

- (snorts)

- (thuds)

You okay, Tina?

- You were shouting.

- Uh yeah.

I thought there was a scary pig in here, but there's not.

Well, there's one in my room.

His name's your dad.

Ha!

Just kidding.

Now go back to bed.

I'm gonna go pee.

Ah, good for you, sweetie.

(snorting)

I'm your toilet now, Tina.

(yells, grunts)

Aah!

This little piggy's going crazy!

- Louise?

Louise?

- (gasps)

Oh, cool.

You're up.

So, you want to hang out?

What's new with you?

Tina, what are you doing here?

Go back to your bed.

Your boobs are taking up all the room.

I can rearrange them.

What's with all the angry whispering?

I'm trying to have a nice midnight charcuterie.

(sighs)

I had a nightmare that the fetal pig I dissected is trying to get me.

Uh-oh.

Sounds like someone's getting haunted.

- What?!

Oh, no!

- Hmm.

Haunted by a dead pig.

Why does that sound familiar?

I was haunted by a red wig after I saw Annie.

Ah!

Aku No Kuriketto, volume ten.

There's a seishin dobutsu A demon spirit That can possess dead animals to att*ck people who wronged them.

Sounds like my ex-wife.

Just kidding.

She's great.

Is this 'cause I made fun of him?

- Can't demons take a joke?

- Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Demons are known for being really cool about everything.

What do I do?

I can't go back to sleep.

Those dreams were so real.

Oh, God.

How do I know I'm not dreaming right now?

Ow.

- Did you feel that?

- Yes.

- So you're probably awake.

- Ow.

- And one more time.

- Ow.

- Yeah, the system works.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Everyone go to bed.

This isn't a family slumber party.

Those are Friday nights, and I'm invited.

Go.

Bed.

Now.

Ooh, cheese.

(eats noisily)

- Aah!

- LINDA: Tina!

Breakfast!

Whoa!

Honey, rough night?

Is it 'cause you're dreams are being haunted by that pig goblin?

Louise told us.

Pig demon, Mom.

I'm sorry about your nightmares, Tina.

I didn't sleep that well myself.

I was so worried your mom was gonna att*ck me that I tied a T-shirt around my head.

You just wait, Bob.

I'm gonna get ya.

- Linda, please.

- I'm gonna get ya.

I'm moving out.

TINA: Got to stay awake.

Got to stay awake.

Just picture yourself on the hayride with Jimmy Junior, and hay is going everywhere.

Oops, I dropped my pencil.

TINA: Okay, this could work.

- Here it is.

- Aah!

FETAL PIG: Tina.

Oh, no!

Tina!

- What's shakin', bacon?

- Go away!

(muttering)

Go away.

Whoops.

There goes the liver.

(grunts)

Small intestine.

I don't even know what that is, do you?

No, I don't!

Spleen, maybe?

(grunting)

Aah!

Oh, my God, - she's a really bad test-taker.

- (panting)

TINA: We got to figure out how to get rid of this thing.

Okay, okay, save the drama for when you're in your pajamas.

Ooh!

Seishin dobutsu appeasement rituals.

Clicking.

Let's see.

So, first you got to make sure the whole animal is intact.

Oh, that's great, 'cause I took out all the organs.

Then you got to put a drop of your blood inside the animal as an offering for your wrongdoing.

Well, that just makes sense.

Then you bind it with the strongest twine, and you bury it in the woods.

Like hikers do with their poop.

We'll do it after school, and you'll be sleeping like a not-haunted baby tonight.

Oh, seishin dobutsu haunting, huh?

That's my 20s in a nutshell.

Mort, you brought it?

- I brought it!

- Brought what?

My otoscope so Linda can look in your ear.

But aren't those for doctors?

You just mess around with dead bodies all day.

No offense.

I just want to know what I'm dealing with.

Check all the holes.

Don't want any surprises, you know?

What comes out of the holes?

Shh.

Linda, no.

Well, nobody's sticking anything in my ear.

Bob, I just want to see what's in there.

It'll be just like at the doctor, but we've both seen each other naked.

- Now, come on.

- (sighs)

Fine.

Wait.

Has your ear doctor seen you naked?

Shh.

Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush!

- Come here.

- (high-pitched): Aah Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

It's a beast.

Ooh, let me see, let me see.

Uh Is it pulsating?

Ooh, I want to see.

Oh, God.

Get out of there!

Get out of my friend and go back to hell!

All right, I I want to see it.

You do?

Well, uh, uh, we could take a picture.

Mort, hold the thingie.

- Okay, here we go.

- (camera shutter clicks)

- Brace yourself.

- Oh, dear Lord.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Okay.

I want it out.

Yes!

Let's get that son of a bitch.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

No, no, no, no.

Not here.

L-Later.

In the apartment.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Yes, apartment's better, thank you.

Thank you for that.

LOUISE: Okay, apparently the fetal pigs and organs and stuff are in that dumpster.

So, uh, just pop on in, find your pig, shove the organs back in real quick.

There ya go.

Won't the organs be all mixed around?

- How will I know which ones are his?

- Take your best sh*t.

The important thing is he knows we're making an effort.

But, you know, try to get it right.

- Now, scoot.

- (groans)

I feel good about this.

(grunts)

I'm okay.

- (gagging)

- (rustling, metal clanking)

Okay, here are the pig organs.

(gagging): There's a heart.

And a kidney, I think.

-(gagging): Oh, God.

- GENE: You're gonna smell so cool after this.

Well, I'll just say it: that pig makes a really fun clutch purse.

Okay, Tina, let's prick that finger, 'cause it's getting to be trick or treat o'clock.

And it's getting to be hay o'clock ride.

Hayride time for me soon.

- I'm so tired.

- Now give me your hand.

Gonna prick your finger get some blood out.

Kinda weird when you think about it.

- Okay, did I do it?

- Nope.

Oh, let me push a little harder.

- Did I do it?

- Nope.

Let me push a little harder.

- Did I do it?

- Nope.

Um, maybe there's no blood in that one.

Let me try this one - Just give me that.

- Okay.

Now bind him and bury him.

- (yawning): All right.

- Worst pig roast ever.

FETAL PIG: Hey, Tina.

What are you doing?

Why am I wrapped in this twine?

I mean, it is slimming and I appreciate it, but why?

Aah!

Shut up, shut up.

(yawning): Shut up, shut up.

You're burying me?

This is not cool, Tina.

You are being a total turd right now.

- You're being a turd.

- You're being a turd.

(sleepily): You're being a turd.

I feel like I should slap her awake, but I also want to see how this argument plays out.

You're being a turd and I'm getting rid of you for good!

FETAL PIG: Tina, no!

Turd .

We did it.

I'm free.

Yeah.

Hooray, congrats, yeah.

Let's go home, okay?

Mama's hungry.

Time to eat some nougat and then make some nuggets.

LINDA: Trick or treat.

Move those feet.

Costume fashion show for me.

Louise is going as a well-dressed person who can't find their baby.

Ugh, no, Mom, I'm the Bjorn Identity.

Oh, got it, got it, got it.

And Gene a jar lady.

Close.

I'm Fiona Applesauce.

Fiona Apple's saucy aunt.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm.

Aw, you must be so proud of your niece.

And Tina is going as someone about to slip into a coma?

Tina, your mom's right, you should go lie down.

Go lie down?

And miss the hayride?

Hay'll no!

- Whoa.

- Okay, fine.

Go.

Everybody go.

Have fun.

(singsongy): I've got something special planned for your father.

You're a lucky man, Dad.

(yawning): Isn't this nice, Jimmy Jr. ?

You, me, the hay Look, a skeleton on a tractor.

Spooky.

(laughs)

He must've d*ed of excessive crop Dustin'.

(makes fart sound)

Right, J-Ju?

(laughs)

I bet he did, Zeke.

I heard skeletons are inside all our bodies every day.

Okay, kids.

Let's just have fun appreciating all the work that went into this.

Can I have some of your blanket, Jimmy Jr. ?

Uh, sure.

I mean, you're already under one.

Also, maybe you should've dressed better for the weather?

Hey, there's a skeleton churning butter.

Go to the store, skeleton.

(laughs)

Yeah, this hayride is so stupid.

- Let's all make out.

- (kissing sounds)

Well, should we take a whack at this whole kissing thing?

Huh?

Oh.

Okay, sure.

(quietly): All my hayride dreams are coming true.

- What?

- Nothing.

(quietly): We're making a magical memory.

Sorry, Tina, did you say something?

Shh, shh, shh.

- (kissing sounds)

- Jimmy Jr. , you have more whiskers than normal.

Mm.

And more nostrils than usual?

- (screaming)

- (laughs maniacally, snorts)

Is the formaldehyde smell me or you?

(gasping)

What the hell?

You're supposed to be gone.

Well, now I'm back, baby back ribs.

-(cackling)

-(screaming)

-Oh, my God!

I got you, J-Ju.

I got you, boy.

(snoring)

I don't know, we were gonna kiss and then she just fell asleep.

Hmm.

We should probably write "dinglebooby poopy butt" on her forehead.

Anybody have a pen?

No?

Seriously?

Who doesn't bring a pen on a hayride?

(scoffs)

Okay, let's just make out.

(kissing sounds)

LINDA: Okay, Bobby - Come on in.

- Whoa.

I put a bowl of Halloween candy outside for the trick-or-treaters so we won't be interrupted.

Why are you wearing your nightgown?

It's, like, 7:30.

I just wanted you to be relaxed.

Come lay on the bed.

Come on, lay on the bed.

Okay, first I'm gonna put some drops in your ear, and then we're gonna wait 15 minutes, and then we're gonna flush your ear out with the syringe.

Oh Kay.

Are you turned on?

- No.

- You are.

- A little bit.

- Do I, uh, need a safe word?

No.

Maybe.

(panting)

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

(groans)

I need some help here.

Allow me.

- (grunts)

Nothing.

- Yeah.

You're on a snooze cruise.

You guys, the pig is back.

We didn't get rid of him.

What?

If you can't trust the Internet for pig demon appeasement rituals, then what's the point?

Wait, does this mean we're in your dream?

Yes.

I think so.

I thought there'd be more horses.

- Oh, there's one.

- (horse whinnies)

So, if we're in your dream, can't we be, like, anything?

- I don't know.

Maybe.

- Like, I could have nine arms sticking out of my back?

And also, two arms for legs?

Um, okay, sure.

Nice.

This feels right.

Gene, what about you?

Ooh.

I want some applesauce.

Really?

You could do anything and you want applesauce?

Yes.

Ever since I put on this outfit.

But fine, just make my whole body applesauce.

That's badass.

Yeah.

Tina, if you can make Gene applesauce, then why not just dream the pig away?

Great idea, Louise Don't you think I'd do that if I could?

Okay, okay.

Let me and all my arms think for a minute.

Hmm Seems like the only way to go is to trap him and then turn him into pork chops.

Oh, I'd go great with that.

I mean, trapping him sounds good.

- But what would we use?

- (banjo music plays)

LOUISE: Huh.

Is that supposed to be scary?

That's kinda the vibe of this whole place.

Lotta skeletons doing helpful things around the farm.

Okay, Tina, I need you to use your dream powers to make me a wig that looks like your hair, a shirt that looks like your shirt, and glasses that look stupid.

I-I mean that look like yours.

And Tina's trademark Kangol hat!

It's time to show this sausage who's the bossage.

Okay, Bobby, up, up.

Tilt your head to the side.

Let's see what kind of ear nugs we got.

I just want my life back.

- Huh.

There should be way more.

- Mm.

Oh, it's still in there!

It outwitted the oil.

- Now it's laughing at me.

- Oh, no.

I'm coming for you, you wax bastard!

- Don't you laugh at me.

- Linda, you're scaring me.

This is my white wax whale, Moby Ear d*ck, Bob.

So demon pig comes along and sees wait for it (gasps)

a perfect replica of Tina.

He jumps in the coffin, the lid closes, we run over, sit on the coffin, pig trapped.

Done.

Then we trap the pig's parents.

- Pig parent trap.

- (gasps)

There he is.

- (coffin lid opening)

- (pig laughs maniacally)

Now.

Ha, ha!

We got him.

How do you like them apples sauce?

- And you're welcome.

- Okay, but we should probably put a big rock on top just to be safe.

Aah!

- Aah!

- I'm flushin' you out, wax.

I'm comin' for you!

(whimpering)

(panting)

Oh, I'm Tina.

Bang, bang, bang.

(laughs, snorts)

Ah, stop right there.

Skeleton Banjo Tina, att*ck!

Damn it!

Why won't you just leave me alone?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You think I'm doing this to you?

No, no, no.

You're doing this to you.

You gave into peer pressure and made fun of me, and you felt really guilty about it, and this is what your brain did.

Ow.

Huh.

I guess that sounds like something my brain would do.

(sighs)

I'm sorry we were mean to you.

Can I make it up to you somehow?

Want, to hang out?

- Like, socially?

- Yeah.

Like boyfriend-girlfriend?

- Oh, I-I mean - (snorts)

Just kidding.

How 'bout you just give me that hat?

Uh, okay.

- Oh, it-it looks good on you.

- Yeah it does.

You're a good kid, Tina.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mr.

Fetal P Aah!

Welcome back, Sleeping Tooty.

And, yes, that was Tina farting before, not me farting and blaming it on Tina.

I don't know, Tammy, you kept waving the edge of your blanket.

- I felt one on my leg.

- That was a ghost.

That ghost needs a doctor.

Okay, kids.

That's the end of the line.

You take care.

Bye, now.

Skeleton arm!

Surprise end scare.

Oh, my God, that is so embarrass So great.

It's great, Tractor Driver Guy.

Y-Your skeleton arm's great, all-all the skeletons doing farm chores are great.

- TAMMY: No, I'm saying it's dumb.

- You know who else is great?

My fetal pig, yeah.

The one I made fun of to seem cool.

Well, I was wrong.

Because that fetal pig is the one who's cool.

He's-He's a really cool dude who looks great in hats.

- Oh, and one more thing.

- What?

(grunts)

- Okay, now I'm done.

- Oh, hell, yeah!

Now that's a hayride.

- (farting)

- That was Jocelyn!

LOUISE: I haven't been chewing for, like, ten minutes.

Just swallowing.

Like a pelican.

Ding.

My warm Snickers is ready.

How was your night, Tina?

Well, Mom, I learned a little about life and a lot about mysel (snoring)

Oof.

Lot of drool.

Like, immediately.

LOUISE: Dad, what about you Is your ear still full of strange?

Well, we did our darndest, but we couldn't b*at the beast.

But, I think it brought us closer, you know, as a couple.

Yeah.

Reignited the passion.

That's not-not what I meant Oh, I'm gonna sneeze.

(sneezes)

Oh, my, God.

It's out!

It's out!

- Oh!

We win!

We win!

- (short laugh)

(munching)

Candy, candy, candy.

Mm, I don't recognize you, tasty little candy baby.

Gene, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, honey, no!

- No!

Gene!

Give it!

- No!

There's an oink, oink in the night And it gives you such a fright He's got a tail that's curly And he's coming for you, girly You got pig trouble Pig trouble, little Tina And you can try your best to shout When you're smooching on that snout But you kissed a fetal pig And now you two are boyfriend-girlfriend You got pig trouble Pig trouble, little Tina.