01x12 - Rule No. 92: Don't Do the Crime If You Can't Do the Time

Abby: Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

Some of us like our husbands.

We want to know if there's a problem, so we can fix it.

What kind of junior-high, mommy-mafia, anti-feminist bullshit is this?

We learn to evaluate the risks.

Evaluate your risks with me.

Plane leaves Friday night.

[cell phone beeping]

You remember when you kissed me that time?

You reminded me that, uh, I actually do like pleasure.

I only want to see you.

Does that make you my boyfriend?

No matter what happens, we're family.

My God.

What is happening down here?

[door closes]

Hey, Fabs. Don't worry, I'm getting all this stuff out of here today.

Every time I come down here this crap has metastasized.

Okay, it's messy, but it's not cancer.

And it's for a good cause. Remember that.

I give them, like, $8 million a year in tuition.

Why do they still need to have fund-raisers?

And nobody wants to go to those things.

You cannot have my copy of Thrive.

Why not?

This is my Arianna swag.

And she signed it to me, by the way.

So get another one.

We all know you're BFFs with Miss HuffPost.

Hello?

Who donated the tepee?

Oh, okay, bongos included, his kid's in kinder...

both: McConaughey!

How is this being a good friend?

How are you on the fund-raising committee after those Heathers ran me out of there?

Look, my baby doesn't make friends that fast.

You know, the blazer, the big words, it just... it confuses most kids.

And she's taken the second-family news hard.

I just figure I work the new besties, then maybe she gets invited to a party or two.

She needs a distraction from all the daddy drama.

Whoa, a tepee!

Go get it. Watch your butt.

Watch your butt.

Oh, my God.

Look at the hamburger phone. It's like the one from Juno.

Jo: It is the one from Juno, my love.

Care of Mr. Jason Reitman.

Mom, you have to get on this.

You never come home with anything good.

Starting bid... $1,000.

Abby: Bye-bye, hamburger phone.

You know what?

I'm gonna take you to In-N-Out Burger.

You can pretend to call your friends with it tonight.

Jo: Okay, you guys, grab something.

We're gonna load the car.

"We" are?

It's over-privileged children.

Have a heart.

I peed in the tepee!

I peed in the tepee!

Mm. Can't we just play hooky all day?

I don't want to get out of bed.

Yeah, I know. The sheets are so soft.

Oh, is that what you like about my bed, is the sheets?

No, I think it's also a good mattress.

[laughs] You're so mean.

I don't want to talk to you anymore.

You know there's nothing I'd rather do with you than...

[smooches] Mess up these sheets all day, but I got to go to work.

No. No.

Yep, I do.

Let's pick this up on Friday.

No. No, I can't Friday.

What you got to do on Friday?

I am gonna be sipping warm Chardonnay at the school funder, at the ridiculous singles' table... unless you want to come with me.

A fund-raiser for the children of the 1%?

Let me count the ways I don't want to do that.

But it's gonna be fun. It's a theme party.

- Yeah?

Orange is the New Black.

You get to dress as your favorite good or bad guy, depending on what side of the law you're on.

Only white people think partying in a prison jumpsuit is a good time.

Honestly, you will be saving me from drunken passes made by sad, divorced dads.

I might have to think about it.

Oh, yeah? Just because of my ass?

Yeah.

All right.

[laughs]

I got it. I got it. I got it.

All right, all right, all right.

Okay.

Well, I'm plus-one.

What?

Marco's coming.

Oh, that's great.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe he and Will can have a rematch over American exceptionalism.

Wow. Will's coming?

Yeah, he's my boyfriend.

Okay.

Okay, sex-havers, don't rub it in.

Sorry.

Um, we're going as Bonnie and Clyde...

His idea because Bonnie was also a writer.

He sent me some of her poems.

Ugh.

Very romantic.

Okay, if you don't stop, I'm gonna punch your face in.

[laughs]

What does this smell like?

That is tepee pee-pee.

Don't ask. Just...

What?

Take the other thing. Don't ask.

Jo: Keep going, Abby.

Where am I going?

Here we go. Here we go.

Wow, Jo.

Could you be more awesome?

Mm. Christmas came early.

Abby, nice of you to pitch in.

You're so welcome.

[sniffs] Ugh.

Kori, hey.

Hey.

Glad you could make it.

Oh, my God.

Abby, can we go?

Phoebe.

Hi. [scoffs]

It has been a long time.

Yeah.

Um...

Abby McCarthy, this is Kori Wingo.

Kori Wingo, the photographer. Oh, my God, I love your work.

I'm a big fan.

I didn't know you guys knew each other.

Kori offered one of her photographs for the auction.

Wow.

So you have children?

No, my partner Liv's got a little guy, Desi... seven.

Is he in Ms. Sorenson's class?

'Cause she's great.

No, he just started kindergarten.

Who would have thought we would be parents together at a school?

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

We'll talk later, okay?

Okay.

It was nice to meet you.

Yeah.

Okay, so fast... fast as you can, free association.

What is your favorite subject?

Math.

What is your favorite activity?

Farts. [children laughing]

Who is your favorite teacher?

Wait. Don't answer that.

That could hurt your career here, long-term.

I don't have a career.

You better get a career.

What are you, like, in second grade, you slacker?

Okay, we got it. Thank you.

Thank you guys. All of you.

That was hilarious, Jake.

Should we do the teachers at lunch?

I don't like how that sounds, but, yes, let's.

[laughs]

Okay, good idea.

You look spiffy.

Thanks.

What are you doing, a segment on Yo Gabba Gabba! news?

I am directing the video for this year's fund-raiser.

Wow. That's amazing.

Who did it last year?

What's his name? Bob Af... Affman?

Oh.

Ben Affleck.

Oh, Ben Affleck.

Yeah, that's who it is.

Of course. So hard to remember that name.

It's just a five-minute little thing.

It's not a big deal.

Come on.

Well, it's great.

Thanks.

Except I won't have anyone to make fun of the video with.

That was our favorite part of the fund-raiser.

Oh, I know. Me too.

Well, you can do it with Will.

I mean, is he back from Nepal, exploiting Sherpas for new material or...?

Uh, yes, Will will be here.

Thank you for asking. Did you ask?

Did I?

I don't know.

I don't think I did.

What about you? Are you going stag?

Or are you taking Aja?

Hey, Jake?

Hey.

Ms. Sorenson and Mr. Hunter are ready for their interviews.

I'll be in in a sec.

Uh...

We're not gonna let it get ugly again.

Agreed.

We will work it out, right?

Yeah.

We always do, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Come on.

[laughs]

First time we've ever high-fived.

[laughing] Sorry.

I am so sorry I am tardy.

Was it a shopping emergency?

Yeah, I needed a little retail therapy to calm my nerves.

Are you stress-shopping about Beech?

No, these are options for my partnership review.

Oh, right.

Beech is the last thing on my mind.

I'm a queen of the clean break.

[laughs]

Which brings me to our business...

Tomorrow's meeting.

Okay. Rolling with the subject change.

It is the biggie... Final division of assets.

Once that's settled, we write it, you sign it... [clicks tongue]

Divorce is done.

Well, Jake and I are in a really great place right now, so I think it's gonna be a smooth sail.

I wanted to talk to you about changing some terms.

What terms?

Well, Jake is working now, so the equation has changed.

We'll still split assets 50-50.

But alimony, it's up for grabs now.

But, uh... that's not what we agreed upon.

I mean, uh... he'll go ballistic.

Honey, Jake is a grown man with a job.

You have no idea how those alimony payments weigh on you.

No, I do, every day, like an 800-pound gorilla sitting on my chest, but, um...

I made a promise, and I-I don't... I just don't want to to fight anymore.

You feel that way right now.

But think about a year from now, when Jake's off shooting some hot new show, raking in the network cash, buying love with fancy gifts for his kids and the new kid he's dating, and you're still paying that 10 grand a month.

He's just getting back on his feet.

Yeah, well, so are you.

And you will sweat every paycheck because you'll be strapped, not to mention all gray, rooty, and wrinkled because you can't afford maintenance.

Oh, wow.

Abby, it is fair and worth the fight.

Now, this is the last battle.

You got to prepare for it to get bloody.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

The heater in the dishwasher sucks.

It left everything wet.

Then use a towel.

Here.

Thank you.

Mom, Taylor just invited me to go to the Grove with a bunch of girls when you're at the fund-raiser.

Can I maybe get off babysitting Charlie?

I'll... I'll ask Rosa to watch him.

Maybe Zooey can come along?

Yeah, well, I just...

I don't know if she'd fit in with the other girls Lilly.

What?

Come on, sweetie, let's... Let's go fold some laundry.

Come on.

What just happened here?

You two seemed to be getting along so well at Thanksgiving.

That doesn't mean she's my friend.

It's not my job to help her just 'cause her parents are getting divorced.

No one helped me.

Honey.

Okay, Zooey...

Zooey is in a new state... at a new school.

The situation with her father is a mess.

You care more about her feelings than mine.

I see you guys talking, like, all the time.

Because she talks to me.

All I get from you are eye rolls.

I'm sorry she's so perfect and I'm such a nightmare.

Hey, hey, hey. I never said that.

Come on.

And you and Jo talk and laugh all the time.

She gets me.

Good.

Maybe it's not too late for you guys to switch babies.

[knock at door]

Mm-hmm.

Good time, bad time?

Hey, come on in.

I was just working on my "dare to be great" memo for my review.

God, that Cynthia Plum case...

Remember when I found out her husband was doing cocaine breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

I carved out $500,000 for misappropriation of funds.

Oh, that was fun!

[chuckles]

Sorry, Albert.

What's up?

You and Beech. [clears throat]

You ended on good terms, right?

Of course.

He said he was bringing the rest of his business to us once the new company was founded.

But I just found out that he's going with O'Melveny.

He's switching firms?

Yep.

That's a multimillion-dollar billing loss for us.

God damn it.

Albert, is this gonna affect my bid for partner?

With Beech in your book, you waltz into your review looking like a hero.

Without him, not so much.

sh1t.

I'm gonna try for a Hail Mary.

Beech has agreed to dinner tonight.

You're coming with.

Wear something devastating and work your magic.

You got it. [chuckles]

I will devastate. [chuckles]

Good.

[door opens]

[Phoebe gasps]

Oh, my...

That looks incredible.

I love how the lapels are skinny, but they're not rock-star skinny.

It's perfect.

It's very Dick Tracy.

Ah.

Now you just need a trench coat and a hat.

What do you think?

I think two grand is a lot of bucks to spend on a costume.

It's not just for that.

Wow.

You need a good suit for investor meetings or if we go somewhere nice.

Yeah, I'm more of a Levi's, Hanes kind of guy.

It's a gift, Marco.

Let me get you a present.

Why is it so important to you?

Who you trying to impress?

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

I just...

I have money.

Mm.

And I wanted to get you something nice.

I've had nice things.

I didn't just climb my way out of Compton.

I know, I know, I know.

My parents had good jobs.

I grew up in Baldwin Hills.

I know that's probably the ghetto to you.

No.

But I assure you, there's, you know, paved sidewalks.

I'm sorry.

I was talking out of my ass.

This is not gonna work if you don't see me.

Does that mean you're not gonna come with me?

No, I am going to come to your fund-raiser.

I'll just wear my own clothes.

I got to go to work.

Cheryl: Clippers tickets and a Chris Paul autographed basketball...

Nancy Hayes is the greatest mom ever.

Ooh, is this the Soda Stream Gloria Serrano said she was going to gift?

[mimics game show buzzer] Guilty.

Right here.

[chuckles] It's me.

Gloria Serrano's only gift is to anger people in two languages.

That is so true. Do you know that she called me a putana after cutting me off in carpool?

Ugh. And that's not a pasta.

[both laughing]

I just, oh...

I just wish one of these baskets had a babysitting gift certificate.

I'm just... I'm so screwed for the gala, you guys.

But I guess Zooey could stay home alone.

Well, Taylor's going with a bunch of girls to the Grove.

Huh.

Maybe Zooey wants to come.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll check with her.

I'm sure she'd love to. Thank you.

That would be great.

Hey, Jo, when are you bringing that hamburger phone?

That'll be a big-ticket item.

What do you mean? I brought everything I had.

I'm checking the inventory, and I don't see a phone.

Is it possible you left it at home?

No. No, I don't think so.

But, um...

Well, you should definitely check.

Oh, yeah, of course, as soon as I get back.

I know we're close to done, but it is necessary that we address your client's change in financial status since our initial filings.

Now? You got to be kidding.

Delia: Artie, in the last four months, not only has Jake made more money than he did for the life of the marriage, he is contracted for future directing work, which proves that he could have contributed to the household, but he preferred to ride Abby's coattails.

Oh, I never... That's not what I said.

Here's what's on the table.

Ms. McCarthy agrees to abide by a 50-50 marital split of assets.

We are asking for an absolution of any and all alimony.

Well, that's a total nonstarter.

Look, my client's long-term stability has not been established. He has...

You know what, Artie? Artie?

You know what? Let it go.

It's fine. Let it go.

[sighs]

Jake: Look, I started making money.

I'm taking half the marital assets, which Abby earned.

I think that's probably best for everyone.

Delia: Well, that is really mensch-y of you, Jake.

Well, I'd just like to sign it, put it behind us.

No more acrimony.

I think we deserve that.

That is great.

We will get that all signed up and out to you.

Good.

Oh, hold on.

Um...

Thank you, Jake, for being so magnanimous about the money.

But, uh, there's still things that we need to work out.

Such as?

Such as... sleep-away camp.

Okay, I don't have any notes on that, Abby.

We had this discussion.

Yeah, we had this discussion.

But it was never resolved.

I don't want the kids going away in the summer.

It cuts into my already-limited time with them.

Well, that's a deal breaker for me.

My... my experiences at camp were very formative.

They made me who I am.

Since when?

So they have to go because it's the place where you learned to make lanyards and get finger-banged on the ski dock?

That's crude.

Sorry.

How about they go to sleep-away camp for four weeks?

Camp Pontiac is eight weeks.

Abby, this is insane.

I'm giving you everything you want.

Obviously not, because I want them to go to Pontiac.

Okay, let's put a pin in this discussion and regroup.

Artie: Thank you, Delia.

[sighs]

I went to Camp Pontiac for eight years.

I was Color War General.

Honey, this is not about sleep-away camp.

This is about separation anxiety, okay?

I know, I know.

It gets really hard when you finally get to the end.

But it's time.

Actually, Delia, camp is important.

And I know maybe that's hard to understand when you don't have kids.

Sorry. I...

Abby, Jake was just really generous in there.

And if you want to take sleep-away camp to court, go for it.

Just be prepared to spend a shitload of money in legal fees... and lose.

[elevator bell dings]

Jo, what's happening?

The frickin' hamburger phone disappeared, and now I have to face the wrath of Cheryl and her bitch squad, not to mention Mr. freaking Reitman.

Okay, calm down. I'm sure it's here somewhere.

Where was the last place you saw it?

I don't know. I don't know.

She had a clipboard, and then she said they didn't have it.

And... and... it's got to be somewhere, but I looked everywhere.

Mom, what if you went on eBay and got another phone like that?

Nobody would know.

No, we don't have time.

Not that I would ever do that. That's very dishonest.

I just don't want you to stress.

And if they're supposed to be your friends, they'll understand.

You're right, you're right. Mama's gonna pull it together.

But on the upside, guess who got you an invite to the Grove with Taylor and her crew?

You did?

Yeah.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Mom.

Can I have a kiss?

Yeah.

[grunting happily]

How is it that you produced the most well-adjusted child on the planet, and I produced Angsty McSullenstein?

Because I'm the woman whose husband has a second family.

You see, the cosmic muffin gives you what it thinks you can handle.

"The cosmic muffin"?

You see? Yes.

[cell phone chimes]

Are you looking for a hamburger phone in a pillow?

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, no.

What?

No.

What? What? What? What? What?

Will's plane got grounded in Nepal.

He's never gonna make it back here in time.

How am I supposed to be Bonnie and Clyde without Clyde?

I can't believe Will's not coming.

Jake won't speak to me because of that fight we had.

I have no cover from the "momsters."

This is the universe telling me that I should just stay home.

No, don't even. We are going, okay?

I already got a costume.

Plus, I'm the one who's gonna need cover when I tell that woman that I lost our $1,000 phone.

Yes, yes, you will.

Oh, my God.

Okay, we will have each other's backs.

All right.

Albert: At our firm, we can offer you close, personal attention.

I like personal attention.

This is a pivotal moment for Beech Enterprises.

You need a team who can strategize for your future and play defense too.

It's heads-up ball playing with us.

I like heads-up ball playing.

Most men do.

What we're really talking about here, Gordon, are relationships.

I'm assuming you're talking about client-attorney relationships.

And fostering them between clients.

You know, we have an A-plus entertainment division.

That could mean an amazing licensing opportunity with the right celebrity.

What I'm not hearing from you guys is why you have the special sauce.

You know why.

We are a leaner, meaner operation, and we are always thinking of you... which is how I saved you $10 million...

By making your business dissolution a property settlement.

Gordon, you got the divorce zero-tax basis.

Right.

Zero-tax basis.

Almost made it worth all the bullshit.

All we're saying, Gordon, is that you should take your time.

It's a big decision.

I don't need any more time.

I can make a big decision as quickly as the next gal.

I hear you say you want me to stay, but I'm not feeling the passion.

Gordon, there is a great deal of passion for you at our firm.

Isn't that right, Delia?

Of course.

Of course there is.

Good effort, team. I'm not buying it.

Please have all my records transferred over to O'Melveny in the morning.

Thank you very much for dinner.

Albert: Well, that was a goddamn shitshow.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Gordon?

Why are you doing this?

I thought our meeting was over.

I know that I didn't handle things between us very... very elegantly, but that doesn't mean that we can't be professionals.

Delia... you broke my goddamn heart.

You expect me to sit here and listen to you talk about my tax basis?

That was insensitive.

What's happened to you?

Look, I'm a divorce attorney, okay?

I see it all the time.

Love turns to contempt and betrayal and abandonment.

Sometimes.

That's not the only story.

It's the only story that I know.

I can see that.

So that's it for you, huh?

You're a one-woman operation.

That's a goddamn waste of life.

[engine turning over, revs]

[tires squealing]


[door opens]

[laughing]

That is awesome.

Mm-hmm.

How chivalrous of you.

Hey, I know better than to mess with an angry chick with a samurai sword.

[laughs]

Okay, um...

I just want to make sure we're cool.

You were right about the suit.

I should have talked to you before I spent that kind of money.

You don't have to buy me presents.

You're my windfall.

It wasn't your background I was trying to make up for.

I am trailer trash, Marco.

My parents grew weed, and they moved around all the time, and they were more than happy to ship me off when I got a modeling agency.

How old were you?

I was 14.

Damn.

I think spending money is a way for me to shut my mind off and make me feel like I am somebody.

You are somebody.

And you know you're smart.

I mean, look at all the work you've done for Homegrown.

I don't have a high-school diploma, Marco.

Never let a piece of paper define who you are.

I don't.

Thank you.

So you still up for making fun of over-educated people dressed up in stupid costumes?

Hell, yes.

Yeah, all right, get in the car.

[Le1f's Wut playing]

♪ ♪

You gonna hide back here all night, or are you gonna let Kristi and Cheryl know that you lost the phone?

I'm gonna hid here all night.

Too late. They just saw us.

Um, get some liquid courage, and then I will see you...

Don't you freaking dare.

Martha Stewart, look at you.

Wow.

Come on.

Where'd you get the ankle bracelet?

That is genius.

That is really.

- So clever.

Fargo, come on.

You betcha.

I thought you looked bigger.

For sure.

So who are you?

Oh.

Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde.

My Clyde got held up.

[laughing]

So what's with the phone?

The what?

The phone.

The hamburger phone.

Oh, my gosh, the hamburger...

Oh, the hamburger phone. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I meant to tell you. It turns out that Reitman...

He had to take it back.

He needed it for, uh, a Juno retrospective...

At AFI.

At AFI, thank you.

And we were out when he came over to get it.

Yeah.

And her housekeeper...

Housekeeper, Rosa.

Forgot to mention it to us because she's not a fan of abortion-related movies.

She hates them.

She's from Guatemala.

She's Catholic.

I can't believe he did that.

Oh, just such a bunch of bullshit.

It really is.

Have fun tonight.

Thanks.

Oh, God, why didn't I think of an ankle...

That's so clever.

I'm shameful.

Say nothing.

You know what? Screw them.

They have so much stuff here.

Oh, diamonds.

Stop fondling and admiring.

Put in a bid.

No, I can't.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's too much.

Come on, treat yourself.

Okay, meanwhile, I'm gonna go check on my spa package.

Saw a little whore there, hovering.

Hey.

Literally. She was dressed like Heidi Fleiss.

Heidi Fleiss was a pimp.

Oh, that's right.

♪ ♪

You're not bidding on diamonds, are you?

Those are so...

[laughs]

You know, you're probably bidding on summer camps, right?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry about what happened.

You were being so reasonable and...

No, no, no. You know what? You know what?

Let's... let's just let it go for tonight.

Okay? I do not...

Let's not make this night weird.

Where's Clyde?

Clyde... He got stuck in Nepal.

Too bad. [claps hands]

[humming]

[laughs] You look good doing that.

There you are, Jake.

Okay if I steal him for a sec?

Uh, yes.

We are about to screen.

Okay.

Okay, when you talk about this, and I know that you will, be kind, okay?

Okay.

Here we go.

Oof!

Screw it.

One bid.

Phoebe: Okay, we got to use these stupid stickers.

Dude, dig the Trayvon. [laughs]

Righteous.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

See, who needs a costume?

Black man in a hoodie... Nothing scarier.

I am so sorry.

Wow.

That is unacceptable.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm actually Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop.

[laughs]

That's a hot photo.

It kind of looks like you.

It's not.

Holds up well, doesn't it?

Hi, Kori.

It's okay.

See you inside.

That was frosty.

[beeping]

I think we should go. Movie's about to start.

[applause]

Mickey Cohen and Bernie Madoff.

Well, this table's not good for the Jews.

If you'll all take your seats, we've got a special treat prepared by this year's director, Jake Novak, who's put together this treasure of a film about your precious children.

Especially the children of the richest and most famous.

[applause]

[Katie Herzig's We're All In This Together]

♪ We're all in this together ♪
♪ Through the thick and thin ♪
♪ We're all in this together ♪

Aah!

[laughter]

♪ In the light of day ♪
♪ There's always a place ♪

What does a progressive education mean to you?

I'm learning about the world through an integrated curriculum.

♪ Need the best of us ♪

I don't believe that was English, but here at the Center for Expanding Horizons, you can learn what that means.

[laughter]

What does a progressive education mean to you?

That we're not... anti-gressive?

[laughter]

♪ We're all in this together ♪

What's the best part about school?

Reading festival.

We plant our own gardens.

♪ On the darkest nights ♪

Um...

[laughter]

Pay up, folks.

Tell us about your project.

My name is Charlie.

My favorite person is my mom.

We like to share things together.

I think she's special because she's my mom.

♪ Do do do do do ♪

Jake: Very nice. You want to put it up?

♪ Do do do do do ♪

Say "hi, Mom."

Hi, Mom.

Give a lot of money to the school.

[Charlie laughs]

[children giggling]

[applause]

Wow, I didn't think Jake-off had it in him.

You all right?

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

[sighs]

[exhales sharply]

[blowing nose]

Stop!

Stop?

Yes.

I can bid on whatever I want.

If you touch that bid sheet again, I will take it very personally.

Excuse me?

[scoffs] Is that a threat?

That is a statement, Cheryl.

I am so sick of your mean-girl thing.

It's like you get off on trying to make me feel like an outsider.

Oh, please.

Back off.

This is my necklace.

I never got a 40th-birthday bauble.

Never got a 10th-anniversary bauble.

This is mine.

Back off my bauble.

Hey. Everything okay here?

It's fine. It's my necklace, and Tracy Flick over here is just bidding on it to spite me.

Okay, you have some serious issues.

Yes, and I'm not working on them.

Okay, hey, let's go for a walk. Come on.

What was that about?

[sighs] I don't know.

It's just coming here by myself, when I'm the pariah and you're the toast of the town...

You're smoking now?

Which, by the way, you totally deserve.

I'm not saying... that video was... It was really good.

Yes, you seem thrilled for me. Thank you.

No, seeing you so happy, showing your talent, I just... I don't know. I...

What?

It's terrible. It's not even worth saying.

I can take it. What?

[clears throat]

Why now?

Why are you coming into your own now?

Was I such a monster that you couldn't be yourself with me?

I mean, I know it's not that simple, but I see you, and I...

I mean, I always knew that you could do whatever you wanted.

Always. And now here you are...

I'm so...

I'm so jealous.

I'm so jealous of whoever gets you next, because, I mean, I was in the trenches doing all that hard stuff, and whoever gets you next is just gonna get the win.

Wow. Get the win.

You know what I mean.

I don't, actually.

Because you know what I think is happening here?

I'm getting a tiny taste of what you've gotten you whole career.

And you can't be happy for me, because it's all about you, and maybe if weren't, then some of these good things would have happened for me a long time ago.

Jo: Abby, Jesus, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

We got to go now.

What? Why?

It's Zooey.

Is she okay? Is she hurt?

No, no, she got arrested. Come on.

Arrested? Are you kidding?

Okay.

Come on, come on, come on.

I'll drive.

Polluting. I'm not a polluter.

Jo: Oh, come on, please.

[applause]

Okay, can we raise the air conditioning up for this next item?

This super-hot art photograph was donated by the acclaimed photographer herself, Kori Wingo.

[applause]

Let's start at $2,000.

We've got $2,000.

Do I hear $2,500?

We've got $2,500.

Looking for $3,000.

$3,000 to the stone fox at table seven.

Who's forking up $3,500? Yeah.

Okay, who's gonna give me $5,000?

Yeah!

You don't need this.

I know what I'm doing.

All right, come on, big daddies, who's gonna bring me to $6,000?

That's what I'm talking about.

Do I hear $7,000?

Phoebe, what are you doing?

Stop.

$7,000. Who'll make it $8,000?

We have $8,000!

Okay, whoever gives me $10,000 right now can spank me with their paddle when we're done.

[laughter]

Going once, twice...

Sold! Hot mama takes it down.

Save your paddle. I will find you later.

What was that about?

You just said that picture was okay, and then you go and you blow ten grand?

Don't tell me how to spend my money.

I'm not telling you...

It's for the school, Marco.

I'm just asking...

Stop, stop.

Stop asking. Stop with the questions.

Stop with the harassing.

I'm harassing you now?

Yes.

You know what? I can't do this.

This is not gonna work.

It's not just the money.

There are so many ways I'm gonna disappoint you, Marco.

I just can't live up to your expectations.

Jo: Bunch of bureaucratic bullshit, making us pay for all this crap.

We didn't have a choice.

Forcing Zooey to attend theft education classes.

Jesus Christ!

We didn't pay for it, they wouldn't have released her.

Well, maybe they would have if you'd spoken up for yourself.

We know you're not a shoplifter.

Who you trying to protect, huh?

Lilly, did you talk her into this?

Hey, excuse me.

Lilly should be thanked for not leaving her like the other girls did.

All I'm saying is, we don't have all the facts.

Mom, Lilly didn't do anything.

Someone did something, okay?

Because I just spent $372 paying for some other kid's teenage rebellion.

Okay? Who steals bras?

Can't you just... ?

Forget it.

Sweetie...

It's totally normal to want to be popular.

Okay? But it's not worth it.

Whoever you're trying to protect, you got to tell me.

One of you has to tell me.

[crying]

Okay, Jo, we're gonna pick this up tomorrow.

All right.

Girls, you should get to bed.

Come on, Zooey.

It's okay.

[Free by Rudimental]

♪ ♪
♪ I don't do yoga, never tried Pilates ♪
♪ Not many people want me at their parties ♪
♪ Trying to find my place, someplace ♪
♪ Oh, I, oh, I ♪
♪ Oh, I ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I drink a little more than recommended ♪
♪ This world ain't exactly what my heart expected ♪
♪ Trying to find my way, some way ♪
♪ Oh, I, oh, I ♪
♪ Oh I ♪
♪ ♪

♪ Oh, c'est la vie ♪

♪ Maybe something's wrong with me ♪
♪ But oh ♪
♪ At least I am free ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, c'est la vie ♪

♪ And maybe something's wrong with me ♪
♪ But, hey, at least ♪
♪ I am free ♪
♪ Oh, I am free ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If you ask the Church, then I'm no believer ♪
♪ Spend Sundays asleep ♪
♪ I'm just another dreamer ♪
♪ Still trying to find my home, sweet home ♪
♪ Oh, I, oh I ♪
♪ Oh I ♪
♪ Oh, I, oh I ♪
♪ Oh, I ♪

Hey.

Hey.

About Beech...

Look, I totally get it. The guy's a nut.

No wonder Courtney couldn't stay married to him.

Yeah.

You know, I have to say, I still have a kind of fondness for the man, because I love all of our clients.

Wait. No.

Beech?

Whatever you said to him out there obviously did the trick.

Congratulations, Ms. Banai.

The road to partnership is now elegantly paved.

Albert... thank you.

Thank you.

Nice flowers, by the way.

Huh.

[scoffs]

[sighs]

Ooh.

[doorbell rings]

I'm coming down, Will!

[chuckles]

Can I come in for a minute?

Yeah.

[Jake clears throat] Oh, um...

Lilly texted me about what happened with Zooey.

That's...

Yeah, uh, we haven't gotten the whole story yet.

She clammed up.

[clears throat]

Jake, um...

Will's flight landed 45 minutes ago, and he's on his way over here, so...

Oh, okay. I'll make it quick.

Uh... we're getting divorced.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For real now.

You think you're spinning out a little bit maybe?

Possibly.

Okay.

I mean, the whole camp thing is very...

Just forget about it.

Mm-hmm.

Just, uh... I mean, they don't have to go all summer.

Oh, my God.

[both laughing]

I said some things last night I feel really bad about.

No. Uh-uh.

No, I'm not...

I feel so awful about it.

No, I'm not... I'm going with my bad.

But you...

Abby, you never got in my way.

I did.

You know, us splitting was a huge wake-up call for me, and I finally got my head out of my ass, but...

I totally get what you were saying.

You do?

Yeah.

[sighs]

You supported me in a lot of ways for a long time, and it occurred to me that I never actually thanked you for that.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

Beat that bitch Cheryl out, just under the wire.

Was she pissed?

She was so pissed.

Will you... ?

Oh, good, yeah.

[Shallows by Daughter]

♪ ♪

Here, here.

Yeah.

I always wanted to buy you something nice.

♪ ♪

Sorry it took so long.

♪ Let the water rise ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Let the ground crack ♪

Is this a divorce present?

[chuckles] Kind of.

♪ Lying on my back ♪

[doorbell rings]

Wow. That's Will.

[laughs]

Yeah.

Um...

I'm gonna go out the side gate.

Okay.

Okay.

Jake.

♪ Dry your smoke-stung eyes ♪

Thank you.

It looks beautiful on you.

♪ ♪
♪ So you can see the light ♪

[gate opens, closes]

[doorbell rings]

[knock at door]