Blockers (2018)

[bunniefuu]

It's okay.

You're gonna love it.

Happy first day of school.

Bye, sweetie.

Hi! Hi.

Hey. I'm Sam.

Hi. I'm Julie.

Bye. Bye, Mom.

I'm Hunter.

Sam's mine right there.

The one with the glasses.

I'm Lisa.

That's my Julie.

I'm Mitchell.

Kayla's hero.

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. You crying?

No, man, it's a... big day, that's all.

Yeah. You know, can I have a tissue, please?

Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

It's a big day for all of us. Yeah.

Thanks.

Come on, let's go!

I think our daughters are friends.

I'm so excited! Me, too.

And I think that means we're friends.

Should we go get a drink?

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you guys want to go get a drink?

Just... Ah, they made it.

You guys want to go grab a drink real quick?

Is he asking us if we want to go grab a drink?

I'm really hoping it's coffee.

Aah! That's so... Shut the f*ck up.

Happy Halloween!

I can see Russia from my house.

Red Vines! Red Vines!

Red Vines!

That's right!

Hey, hey, Hunter, get out, man.

Put your seat belts on!

Oh, my God!

Surprise! Surprise!

No way! Thank you, Mom!

Thank you so much!

Be careful.

Absolutely gorgeous out.

You're probably gonna miss these mornings that we spend together, right?

Stop. You're gonna make me cry.

And I don't want to cry, because it's prom night.

And it's supposed to be, like, the most magical night of your life, and, you know, I'm just so anxious about it.

Well, call me if you feel anxious.

Or maybe FaceTime me, if it wasn't too loud.

I mean, if it was too loud, you could just... we could wave or whatever.

That'd be funny.

And then I can do... You know what I was thinking?

You should send me photos throughout the night.

Like, not... not, like, all night long, but if you could do it like every 30 minutes or so, then I can put together one of those iBooks.

That would be so fun. Yeah.

That would be a really...

I don't think you would regret that.

Mom? Mm-hmm?

Are you gonna be okay when I go to college?

Who, me?

Yeah.

Me?

What?

Pl-Please.

Don't even get me...

Don't even...

Please.

Okay, bye, Mom!

Okay, bye. I love you.

Okay, I love you.

Oh, good, you did the laundry.

Yeah, and got a totally sleepy, happy baby.

Full-blown Renaissance man.

Oh. Believe it.

It's a good thing she's asleep, too.

I was going through the laundry.

Uh-huh. Found these new thongs.

You know what I'm gonna do with these?

Paging Dr. Muff Diver. Dr. Muff Diver, you're needed in the O.R. immediately.

Emergency surgery. Later on tonight, I'm tearing these off with my teeth like an old-school cartoon billy goat.

Honey.

Mitchell.

Those are your daughter's.

No way. Kayla wears cleats and Bears jerseys, not some dirty stripper underwear.

You thought they were mine.

What, am I giving her allowance in singles?

Go tell her she can't wear these.

Tell her they'll make her sterile, like with the laptop and my brother's balls.

We're not sure that's what happened with your brother.

Honey, you're being ridiculous.

Kayla's becoming a woman. This isn't the time to tighten your grip; it's the time to loosen it.

This? This means we tighten the grip.

This isn't built for comfort; it's built for speed.

We need to slow it the f*ck down.

The appliances go in after the backsplash.

We've done it the same way every time.

Uh-huh. All right, put him on the phone.

I'm in the bathroom.

Thanks. I was looking for that.

You mind telling me what this is?

Uh, fuzz. Yeah.

Yeah, fuzz. That's what I thought it was, and then upon further investigation, it is clearly an unraveled filter of a cigarette.

Kayla, are you a... a smoker?

What? No.

Not a smoker, Dad.

Hey, haven't you seen the billions of ads that tell you not to do this stuff? Dad!

You can't teach someone not to try things, okay?

That's what trying things is for... to teach you things.

It's a contradiction.

It's like telling me not to go for a triple on a base hit to the gap when I've made a good turn around first and I know that the right fielder has a weak arm.

Damn it, you're smart.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

Time to get ready for school, Dad.

Okay, all right.

Julie! Sam!

Hey, girl!

Whoa!

I almost d*ed. Prom night!

Prom!

I'm so, so excited.

Oh, me, too.

Mm. I love you.

I love you, too.

All right.

We're so gross. I know.

People are looking at us.

I don't care. We better get

"cutest couple" in the yearbook.

I'm having sex.

That's great.

I'm having soup.

No.

Tonight with Austin.

Wait, you're finally gonna do it? Yeah.

I mean, you know, we've been dating for six months, and we love each other, and I just awkwardly got my pediatrician to put me on birth control.

She gave me a sticker.

Two because I was good, so...

I know it's, like, kind of corny or whatever, but it just seems like prom night... it's kind of perfect, you know?

We're gonna have, like, dim lighting and rose petals on the bed and the scent from that candle that gets me horny every time I pass it in Walgreens.

All candles get me horny.

I'm gonna look into Austin's eyes, and then he's gonna look into mine, and then we're gonna, like, touch each other's faces, you know?

For, like, a long time.

Like, a long time.

Just to, like, connect.

And then we're gonna...

Kapow.

All right, f*ck it, I'm in.

What? I'm in.

I'm having sex tonight, too.

Uh... just like that?

Yeah. I mean, why not?

Because it's your first time, and your first time should be special and perfect.

Yours can be special and perfect.

Mine is gonna be tonight and with that dude.

Yeah, they're just brownies. They're not, like...

Connor Aldrich? Your lab partner?

Yeah. What? You haven't even hooked up with him.

You haven't even seen his thing yet.

What if he has a weird one?

They're all weird.

Penises are not for looking at.

They're for use. They're like plungers.

Listen, my student athlete days are over.

Tonight is the beginning of my adult life, and for the first time I can do whatever I want.

So I want to go to prom, get drunk, get potted up on weed and lose my g*dd*mn virginity.

We're gonna have the same first-time-sex anniversary.

We can go to dinner every year and commemorate it.

Olive Garden. Yes! Olive Garden.

Breadsticks for life, bitch.

Yeah! Oh, my God, it is gonna be such a relief to get this over and done with before college.

Um, no, I mean, like...

No, it's cool.

I just don't think I'm there yet.

You know, maybe something might happen tonight with me and Chad, but, uh, I don't think sex is gonna be that thing.

Sam?

But you never know what could happen.

I mean, maybe my inner sexual Smaug will emerge from its keep and spread its mighty wings.

I never know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I... me, neither.

Oh, my God.

Julie, is that you?

So realistic.

Ugh. God.

Come on, Sam, we're waiting.

Be right there!

There she is. All right, took me 20 minutes to figure out how to do video on this thing, but I finally got it.

Oh!

Nope. Took a picture of myself.

Siri, video, please.

Wow! That Chad is going to rip through his little tuxedo pants.

Mom. That's gross. What?

Why? 'Cause you're practically imagining your daughter in sexual congress.

You sicko.

Ah!

I was just trying to connect with you.

You never talk to us anymore.

Hey, I got this. Okay.

Prom night, huh?

I got sad and reflective on my prom night, too.

You were? Yeah. I was scared I wasn't gonna stay friends with the guys I had been around most of my life, but I was able to...

Hey, baby, I love you so much. What?

You just really freaked her out.

Sweetie, if you're worried about that at all, just know you shouldn't be.

You never stay friends with people from high school.

I mean, the oldest friend I have is Jan from work, and I've known her for three months.

Who's Jan? You know Jan, babe.

She draws those silly cartoons.

Oh, r*cist Jan. Yeah, that's the one.

Who you are today is not who you're going to be.

And that's okay.

That's good therapy. And who you become will be so different that your friends won't understand you anymore, and then you will wake up and realize these friendships are over.

This feels like a very painful divorce, just like the one I had with your father, but then you'll find a Frank.

Uh, I appreciate that, but that's not my deal.

I'm still cool with a lot of my boys because on prom night, me, Dennis, Matt and Cory all convinced our friend Steve to join the Army.

He fought in the Persian Gulf w*r.

He d*ed right away.

But once you go through something like that, you're bonded for life.

The bedrock of deep, meaningful friendships is shared experience.

I thought they were gonna put him in the Reserves.

That is some horseshit.

Hmm.

Wow.

You look so beautiful.

Turn around.

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

So, what's the big plan for after prom?

Uh, we're just going to Austin's.

You really like him, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's...

Yeah, he's cool. It's not, like, serious or anything.

His mom told me he got into UCLA.

That's nice. Yeah, I mean, it's good.

You remember that time when, like, I thought about going to UCLA?

Yes. That would have been crazy.

That would have been the worst mistake ever.

I don't think it would have been that huge of a mistake.

Uh, yes, it would have.

University of Chicago is perfect.

It's 45 minutes away.

So that way you're gone, but you're not "gone" gone.

But I'm gone.

Right, but not, like, gone.

Right, but, like, I'm going to college, and, like, I'm not gonna live at home, so I'm, like... I'm gone.

Mm-hmm.

Why are my boobs so big?

Ready, Kayla? Yup.

And now...

...standing at five foot, seven inches... five, nine if you count the heels... straight out of Great Lakes High School, the prettiest girl in all of prom...

Kayla Mannes!

Uh... just high fives from now on.

Okay. Oh, honey, I never thought I'd see you in a dress.

Technically, it's not a full dress.

Some material is missing from the middle there.

Okay.

You look great.

All right.

Yeah, I think it's time to go.

Yes. Yeah.

Honey, we got to go.

Honey?

Dad, are you okay?

It's like when he watched Frozen.

Come on.

Hi. How are you?

Hi. Hi. How are you?

Oh, Sam.

Hi, Marcie.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Hey, Mitchell. Hey. Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah. You know, I was worried when I never heard back from you about hot yoga.

Called you a bunch of times.

I ended up having to eat that two-for-one Groupon. Oh, yeah.

I don't really do the hot yoga thing.

It's just... Well, we should catch up, though, right?

Yeah. Like a lunch. I don't know.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, give me a call.

I've been calling you. Mm-hmm.

Doesn't work.

It's not effective.

I don't even know. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my gosh, thank you. You guys, you guys.

Wait, this is, like, the best lighting with the Valencia filter, so wait, wait.

Oh, God. All right, here we go.

Yeah, okay, that's enough. One more.

We're good. Oh, my God.

We need to get this party started.

Ooh! Okay, Julie. Hmm?

I got you something.

It's coconut oil.

For lube.

I hear it works just as well and it makes blow jobs taste like Almond Joy.

Thank God it doesn't taste like Mounds.

I'd rather eat ten dicks than one Mound.

Mm. But thank you. That's so sweet.

Oh! Aw!

Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Me, too.

Oh, my God! You have to text me, like, right away.

Oh, my God, we're gonna be doing it at the same time.

Oh, my God. We have to talk about it tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, every detail.

There's gonna be so much to talk about. Guys?

Hey, guys.

I want in on this sex pact.

Are you sure? You don't have to do this just because we are.

No, that's not why.

I want to have sex. Yeah.

That's something all three of us have in common.

Mm-hmm. Chad is gonna tap that ass with his penis.

And I doubt we'll have a**l the first time, but...

All right. This is gonna make tonight even more perfect. Yeah.

It's gonna be the three of us! Yes!

Prom night, m*therf*ckers!

Yeah! Rudy, it's coming up.

Bear left, bro.

Yeah! Jesus, Rudy.

What the f*ck? Yeah!

Oh, my God, it's my f*cking dad.

Yeah! Prom night, b*tches!

Yeah! Oh, God, it's him.

Oh, what's up? Yo!

Taio Cruz.

You got this, girl. Don't mess this up, because that limo is totally awesome.

Sam. Sam.

Taio Cruz.

Whew!

Sorry.

Sorry. Ho!

Whew!

You're so grown up.

Dad, what are you doing here?

You think I'm gonna miss the most important night of your young life?

That's graduation. No.

Graduation's for losers.

Didn't even go to my graduation.

But prom night... that's a big one.

Prom was the best night of my life.

I think about it every day, and I want you to have the same experience.

Tonight, you have fun. You don't worry about any rules that your mom or Frank laid down.

No one gives a f*ck about Frank.

All I know is this... you look amazing, and I would love to grab a quick pic.

No. Go stand with the other parents, and try to be normal.

Sam, I'm not a normal parent. I'm not gonna...

Just... I don't even f*cking...

Holy sh*t, you invited Hunter? No, of course not.

I haven't talked to him since he and Brenda got divorced.

You know he calls me all the time? What?

He wants to play darts. I don't play darts.

Darts? You kidding me?

Anyway, I can't hang out with him. Oh!

I'll be guilty by association. No, no.

I will never forgive that babysitter fucker.

Hey, Hunter. Hey, man. Good to see you.

What up? Hey, all right?

Mwah!

Ah.

Did you have another daughter?

I did. I did. Thank you.

It's... it's been wonderful. Yeah.

I'm thinking about doing that again.

You know, the whole second round.

I think a lot of dads kind of get it right the second time around.

Or, you know, you could just raise the one that you have.

Well, I did. Too late for that.

Raised. Job done. Hi, honey.

Actually, I heard, if you spend a significant amount of time with your children, that you develop some kind of, like, telekinetic bond with them.

Is that true? I've heard. Mm-hmm.

I hope it's not true, 'cause if it is, Sam has been looking at a lot of Asian p*rn.

My wife's Asian.

Indian.

That's Asian.

This is more like, uh...

It looks like when... the typical Asian.

Yep, good seeing you, man. Uh, okay.

Good to see you, brother. You know what I mean.

Who's this guy? Who are you?

Dad, this is my date.

Hi. Uh, it's great to meet you, sir.

I'm-I'm Connor. Connor and I... we're in the same science class.

We're lab partners.

Yeah, we're working on our chemistry.

Uh...

Um, I'm gonna get a napkin, if that's cool.

Okay.

Okay, so, uh... with this, it's, uh, one sh*t to the groin, s*ab and drag.

I refuse to believe she couldn't do better than that loser. Oh, I think Chad seems nice.

Chad? No, Chad's amazing.

Look at that fedora. Yeah.

I'm not talking about Chad.

I'm talking about f*cking Frank. What a d*ck.

Frank does not seem like a d*ck to me.

He seems like a nice guy.

And you know what? Don't blame Brenda.

It's really hard being alone.

Well, let's just agree to disagree on Frank.

Oh, here they come. Okay, just be cool.

He's gonna talk about his tow truck company instantly.

I guarantee you he's gonna throw that sh*t in my face.

Be cool, be cool, be cool.

Brenda.

Hunter.

Frank.

Lisa. What'd I do?

I'm sorry. I don't know why I just said your name like that.

This is so nice. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis.

I got to go get Julie's wrap. Mm.

Were you gonna let our daughter take a f*cking Lyft to prom?

What is this, Afghanistan?

How'd you pay for that limo, Hunter?

'Cause I know your credit's in the shitter.

It is.

'Cause I bought your mom a wheelchair.

She's gonna pay you back.

With what money, Brenda? Can she pay me back with crackers that she steals from restaurants?

I don't want to talk about your mom.

I don't want to talk about her wheelchair.

All I care about is that my daughter has the greatest night of her life.

If it was her greatest night, you would not be here.

Oh, what a sick burn.

All right, all right, all right.

Good. Yo, wait, yo, yo. We're all adults here.

Let's not make it uncomfortable if you're gonna be around more.

Let's have a beer sometime. Okay, first of all, I don't want to go to have a beer with you.

I don't want to hang out with you. I don't like you.

I don't like your wife. I don't like your guys' deal.

I think it sucks and it's played out.

Hey, if you ever change your mind, here's my card.

Ah, here we go. "Tow with Frank."

Where'd you come up with that name?

It's very straightforward. All right, I'll tell you this.

The design of that card is pretty cool.

And my favorite part is right f*cking there.

Oh, God.

Wow, that is just... No, that's us, Frank.

You know what? I got it. I got it.

You've taken about 15 g*dd*mn selfies.

Yeah! All right.

All right. Cool.

Bye, Mom.

Have fun, honey. Okay. I will.

Bye, Dad.

Remember... s*ab, turn, drag.

I don't have the Kn*fe, Dad.

Yes, you do. Check your clutch.

Hey, uh, it's been a pleasure, sir.

I really, um, it's... I'm honored.

Oh.

Intense, professional grip.

Cheers.

Take it easy, big guy.

Hey, uh, you guys have a good night, too, you know.

Thank you.

See that smirk? What was up with that smirk?

You are intense.

Sam. Hey. Oh, hey, Mr. Lockwood.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

Chad, yes, come on, man. Bring it in. Yes. Oh.

Good. Yeah.

My hat.

I want to talk to Sam real quick. Yeah. Okay.

Uh, let-let me get a picture real quick. Chad.

Oh. Okay. Real quick photo. Just so fast.

Just don't even f*ck with a filter.

Just-just plain. Okay. Here we go.

There we go. And there. And then you want to get a quick one of me and Chad real quick?

That sounds cool. Here you go.

Okay. - Yep. Sammy, here you go, baby.

Real quick. Just a couple fun ones.

What are we doing? Uh... like this?

Bros.

Duck lips.

And then just kind of a...

Julie?

Can I talk to you a second?

We got to go. I love you.

I'd really like to talk to you.

But I really gotta go.

Okay, fine. Just don't forget your wrap.

It's okay.

I don't think I need it. Are you sure?

Because we live in Chicago, and it's chilly.

I don't know about other places, but it gets cold in Illinois.

It's not that cold tonight, so I don't think I need it, okay? Okay, Julie, wait.

So you'll call me when you get to Austin's after prom, right?

Right.

Okay.

Okay. I love you.

Okay. I-I love you.

Okay!

Whew.

Mm. Okay.

This is so cool!

Blow it out!

Chad, I, um...

I saw you do Pippin last year.

That was really good. - Oh. Nice.

Yeah, you're a really good singer, man.

What are you doing this year? Yeah. Um, we're actually doing Arnold, which is an all-male version of Annie.

Okay. Caught you drinking.

Just kidding, y'all.

I may look like a parent, but I assure you, I am no narc.

Thank you, sir.

Not done yet. Name's Rudy.

I did not go to my prom.

No, my leg was crushed by a cement truck, so I could not dance, but...

So I've made it my mission in life... well, my whole career... to make sure that little kids like you have a wonderful night to remember forever.

So just sit back, relax and enjoy your prom night.

Okay.

Oh, f*ck, that was the turn! f*ck!

Hey, Lis?

You got any S.O.S. pads?

I'm soaking those pans, but you burnt the sh*t out of that mac and cheese, and... sponge just isn't gonna cut it.

Thanks for helping clean up.

Don't mention this one.

I mean, Marcie brought the baby home early, and...

I got to keep busy.

I got to keep my mind off of Kayla and "Connor."

That's not the right way to use those.

'Cause his name is actually Connor.

So...

It's okay.

UCLA? Uh-huh.

I didn't mean to snoop, but I'm...

No, no. It's okay.

I mean, I don't think it's a real thing.

She's not actually gonna go.

I think she just applied for fun.

She didn't... Why? Have you heard differently?

I would assume it's to go, but she very well could have applied ironically.

You... you know millennials, right?

Hmm. Mm-hmm. And wherever she goes, you can have a bunch of time on your hands.

Can figure out what you want to do for the back nine of your life.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I think Julie left her laptop open.

Julie's doing a lot of texting.

Mm-hmm. Is everything okay?

Maybe we should check to see?

Peace of mind. Yeah.

What the hell is that?

I have no idea.

What are you still doing here?

Hey, your, uh... your mac and cheese is messed up.

Are you guys snooping on your kids?

That is not cool.

No, it's not snooping if the information shows up.

That's exactly what snooping is.

No, it's like the Patriot Act. It's...

Well, it's not like the Patriot Act.

It's like snooping. Okay, we don't know what they're talking about, so...

What? Okay.

Oh, is it like puzzles?

Ooh, ooh! I love puzzles. Just saw Inferno.

Yeah, great. What are they saying?

Okay, so there's something about an eggplant hand... handshake. Eggplant agreement.

Yeah. They got an agreement to make eggplant parmesan.

No, eggplants are dicks in teenage emoji language.

What? You know what, that's true.

Julie told me that... that the emojis have... they all have secret meanings. Mm-hmm.

So, like, trees are weed, and snowflakes are cocaine, and that thing is "yas queen."

Yas queen! What the hell is that?

You've never heard of "yas queen"? No.

All right, grandpa.

Hold on. Julie is making... some kind of a d*ck-related agreement here.

Kayla is in on the agreement.

No f*cking way. "Okay, clown face."

What the f*ck does that mean?

That means she's down to clown.

Okay. Three eggplants?

And look at the drool coming out of that smiley face.

You wish that was drool.

That's come, my man. Stand down.

It is. Look, it's come. He's like...

This is sex if I've ever seen it illustrated in emoji form. Oh, no, no, no. Maybe not.

They're best friends. They're just saying, like, "You're okay with me. You're okay to me.

You're okay to me." You say that to your friends?

Whenever I see my friends, I go, "Hey, you're okay with me."

I don't use these. Hold on.

Agreement hands, agreement hands, agreement hands. This is a... It's a sex agreement.

They're making a sex pact.

They're gonna lose their virginity on prom night.

That cannot be a sex pact.

That? That is friendship.

And that is... that is the bond of friendship that can never be broken.

I mean, maybe. Yeah.

Oh, look, they wrote "Sex Pact 2018."

I f*cking knew it! I love puzzles.

I told you guys. Have you seen Inferno?

Lis, have you seen Inferno? Call your kid.

Have you guys seen Inferno?

I figured it out in two seconds. Did you see Inferno?

The guy jumps off the thing in the beginning.

He's got a virus. Have you seen Inferno with Tom Hanks?

Okay. Okay, she's not answering her phone.

Yeah, Kayla isn't, either.

Okay, what the heck is happening?

She's always been honest with me.

She's always told me the truth, and now I'm just swimming in a pool of lies.

Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.

She's gonna have sex with that Austin kid, and then she's gonna think that she has all these feelings, which she does not actually have, then she's gonna drive across country and follow him and ruin her f*cking life.

Okay, I think that's a pretty big leap to make when you read a...

I have invested every single piece of my being into preparing Kayla for success, and now this?

She is about to have sex with some dipshit with a "man bun."

You're not using those in the right way.

Hey, can we all come back to "planet Earth"?

'Cause this is not a big deal.

They're teenage girls. They have sex.

Do you, like, freak out when you see a bee f*cking a flower?

I'm gonna stop her. I'm in.

Let's cock-block those m*therf*ckers.

Whoa.

No, sir. Uh-uh. No, no, no, no.

I promised Sam the greatest night of her life, and if you guys f*ck up your daughters' night, it's gonna f*ck up my daughter's night, and that sh*t is "not cool."

I don't give a f*ck what's cool with you.

Let's go, Mitchell. I'll drive.

Hey, hey, hey, wait! No, no, no.

You want to go?

You're gonna have to go through me.

Oh, Jesus.

Okay, you called my bluff. Wait.

Wait! Hey, hey!

Get off! Get off of me! Hey! Hey!

Get off! It's not cool!

"It's not cool!"

Hey! What's the plan? This is stupid.

f*ck off.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. What the f*ck are you doing?

I just need to talk to my daughter for five minutes.

Get out of the car!

You get out. You get out. You get out.

Stop saying what I'm saying. Open the door!

Stop saying what I'm saying. Stop saying what I'm saying.

Stop... Okay, listen, listen. Hey.

Lis. Okay, everyone calm down, calm down.

But you got to go. The-the window.

No, the window. Hey.

What the f*ck? No! Holy...

Ah, these are new shorts!

Truce! Truce!

Truce.

Truce, truce, truce.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my f*cking God.

Aah!

Sorry, man.

It's not gonna work.

You're not Schwarzenegger.

How is that possible?

How is that possible? Oh, sh*t.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh!

Oh, my balls! My balls!

Your ass is so...

Get... Hey! Hey!

Get out! Not cool! Aah!

You're bullying me.

This is bullying.

What you're doing is wrong!

You know your daughter's in this stupid sex pact, too.

Yeah, and she's not gonna do anything about it, okay?

Oh, like you would know what your daughter's gonna do.

Okay, first of all, ouch.

Second of all, I know nothing is gonna happen with Sam because... because she's gay.

Really?

Did she come out to you?

No, of course not.

She barely speaks to me.

Then how do you know?

Because, bro, I'm her dad.

And there's just some things you know.

Chad is nothing.

He's like a beard.

Or whatever a lesbian beard is.

A merkin?

I don't know. The point is, I guarantee you they don't even kiss, okay?

I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about you two dicks f*cking up her night.

Okay, well, what you don't understand is that sex can be very confusing for young girls and make them say things and do things that they might regret.

Like dropping out of college to follow around the Dave Matthews Band with a guy they think they love who then winds up getting them pregnant and then leaving them for the girl who makes grilled cheese sandwiches with hash aioli on them.

Yeah, that is a... extremely specific scenario, and that won't happen to Julie.

Dave's not even touring right now.

He's taking time off for fatherhood.

It was me, you idiot.

Me. That happened to me.

Yeah.

You weren't ready. Okay, one more, one more.

Smile.

I closed my eyes.

Oh, my God.

You guys, this is our song.

Do you remember when we got snowed in at Sam's and we played this, like, over and over?

Yes! We have to dance!

We have to dance! This is our jam!

Hey. Hey. Hey.

I want a drink. Okay.

Yeah, let's go get one.

No, no, no, no. Like, a drink.

Oh, you want a "drink" drink.

Yeah. Okay, let me call my guy.

Hello, Mr. Drink-Drink.

Let's go get f*cked up. Okay.

Hey, wait, Kayla, Kayla.

Ah, it's...

Hey, Chad.

I'm gonna go get, uh, some dessert.

Get me two.

Hey, Angelica, it's a nice cape.

Oh, hey, Sam.

Thank you.

Um, yeah, it's a... it's a Galadriel cape that I made a couple months ago for LordCon.

Figured I could wear it again.

Not too much overlap on the guest list.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

Who'd you come here with?

Um, just my friends.

Lauren and I broke up.

Oh.

No hard feelings, though.

Um, she's still a little confused.

How do you think one becomes... not confused?

It's probably different for everyone.

But for me, when I kissed Brad Markowski, I started to suspect it.

And then last year, when I touched Dash Lowenstein's d*ck, I was like, "f*ck no."

It was like holding a dead snake.

Hmm.

But I guess you never know until you try.

Uh, before I do drink this, though, I just want to let you know that I am fully planning on having sex tonight.

With... with you.

Yeah, I-I mean, wherever the wind blows us.

Well, the wind's gonna blow us there.

Wherever the night takes us, it's...

It's gonna take your penis into my vag*na.

Okay, uh, you know, if the universe wills it.

And the universe will will it.

Thanks for letting me know, I guess.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I warned you.

This is what gin tastes like? No, no.

I've heard that gin sucks, and this sucks.

No, it's...

I made it. Um... Oh.

This is so dumb, okay?

Our kids are gonna hate us because you're gonna humiliate them.

I'm not gonna humiliate Julie.

We're best friends. I'm the cool mom.

Hunter, don't make me sit on your balls again.

Stop, stop, stop it, stop, stop.

This is how they're gonna be remembered in high school.

As the weirdos whose parents dragged them out of prom because they were afraid of their sexuality.

It's not something that should be feared.

It should be celebrated.

And-and-and we have to empower these young women.

I mean, what year is it, guys?

It's 2018.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, gross. Okay, you know what?

That's an unfortunate coincidence.

Get a f*cking room!

Let's take a picture.

Kayla! Let's take a picture right now.

Okay, cool. Right now. Right now.

Cheese.

Oh, my God, my mom called me like 15 times.

Ooh. Nope. She's crazy.

No, that's a no. That's kind of funny.

Boom. Airplane mode. No.

Yeah. We're flying the friendly skies now.

Yeah, till she freaks out.

Hey, can we please, like, get out of here?

No. We can't go right now.

They haven't even played me and Austin's song yet.

How are we gonna get in the mood?

I don't know, light your Walgreens candle.

That's later. Don't you want... Look, look.

Jake Donahue is just warming up.

Don't you want to see him break-dance and probably hurt himself? No.

It's gonna be so good. I don't.

Do you remember at the Sadie Hawkins Dance when he tried to do the worm and he fell and broke his two front teeth?

Yeah. He had to go to the hospital. I have pictures.

It was great, and this is gonna be better. Mm...

No, no, no. No! So we're staying.

Julie, Julie, I promise that you're gonna dance to your song with your boyfriend tonight.

This place is dying, okay?

We got to get out of here. Okay, fine.

Okay, cool. Let's go.

We're going to the lake house.

I am not sure that this was worth $85.

Where's Chad? What?

Oh, he's probably out on the dance floor.

I'm gonna go find him and meet you guys outside.

All right. Okay.

The f*ck?

Smirking little piece of sh*t.

Top knot. Top knot. Let's get him.

Yeah, you guys go do that.

I'm gonna get some punch.

All right, assh*le, what'd you do with my daughter?

Two of you guys have the same shitty haircut?

Hey.

Look at me. My hair's too long.

Hey. You can't go around assaulting children.

You have to blend in if you want some information, okay?

So just... just be cool.

God.

Okay.

Julie?

Julie?

Prom night, huh?

What?

Just... just special night.

Got to try.

Chad? Yeah.

This is my moment.

You ruined my moment!

f*ck your moment.

What happened back there? What happened is that... is that my daughter was kissing Chad even though she hated it.

And I've been dragged into this situation by you two f*cking idiots. Just ignore him.

Great idea. We're gonna go to Austin's house.

Julie said that's where the after-party is, and we'll get 'em there. And that sounds like a plan.

Hey, how dare you ignore me.

We are in this situation because you two raised a couple of bigots who have shamed my daughter into losing her virginity to the wrong sex.

Shame.

My daughter is not a bigot.

We go to all of the marches.

We went to the Tax Day March, and nobody goes to that sh*t.

Nobody. Ignore him.

It's hard. Yeah, it is hard.

'Cause I don't quit.

And now I have to go rescue Sam, okay, because she is scared and confused, and I know what it's like to be ostracized by society for your sexual preferences.

Sleeping with women that aren't your wife isn't a sexual preference.

No, it is. I prefer them.

How parents can let their kids play music this loud.

We all share this planet.

This is how loud I listen to my music, dawg.

Probably won't even be able to hear us.

It's so dark in there.

You know, they... okay, they could be in the backyard playing two-on-two hoops. I don't know.

Oh!

Oh, I found a big window.

Oh, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't.

Trust me. Do not look in that window.

What? Just look at me. Do not look in this window.

Do not look in this f*cking window.

Julie's red dress.

Yeah. Oh, sh*t.

You know, I know... I know this must be tough for you.

I mean, if... hell, if that was Kayla in there, I'd...

I'd-I'd k*ll myself. Nope.

That's the wrong thing to f*cking say right now.

Stop them. Stop it. I can't...

Wait.

Hey. It's not Julie.

It's not Julie. What?

Oh, sh*t. It's Austin's parents.

Good for them. They're really... really going at it.

I always wanted to do this.

I've always wanted to watch people have sex.

Oh, my God, he's yanking her hair.

Ow. That looks like it hurts.

Yeah, we shouldn't be looking, man. Come on.

She runs the risk of, like, dislocating her hip.

Hey, Mitchell. You're being a f*cking perv, dude.

Don't look.

What happened?

We locked eyes, and then he finished.

It means his load is on your soul for eternity.

Holy sh*t. Oh, sh*t, he's coming.

I'll pretend I'm a plant.

Mitchell? What are you doing?

What, Lisa? Hey, Ron.

What are you guys doing out here?

Hi.

Hey. What a nice surprise.

We thought the kids were here.

We didn't realize you guys were here, uh...

Oh, Cath and I were just having a little, uh, prom night role play.

You know, to keep the sex life alive. Prom night.

That kind of thing. Where are the kids?

Um, do you know where the kids are?

The kids are at Kyler Montero's lake house.

How do you know that? Because Austin told us.

Yeah. He's texted me like 19 times tonight.

Ugh. Oh, my God. Yeah, we tell each other everything.

It's unbelievable. I mean, he-he knows about prom night.

Well, you know. I'm sorry, you... you tell your son about your sex games with your wife?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Wow, that's...

Can't do that. Yeah, it's weird.

It's so... it's-it's weird. There's a line.

We have a very open family here. Yes, we do.

We don't hide anything. You know what?

What is Kyler's address?

I-I... Okay, listen, I-I feel like I can't betray Austin's confidence in me, and frankly, if Julie wanted to tell you where the house was, she would have told you.

Uh-uh. Uh, I got...

Hold on, hold on. Buh-buh-buh.

Give us the address, or my giant friend's gonna tear your husband's d*ck off. Yeah.

Uh... no, I'm not.

No, I'm not. No, no, no. Excuse me? - What?

That's... that's good.

And, uh, sorry to interrupt your evening.

I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your lovemaking.

Ow! f*ck! Come on.

What was that about? What?

Hey, man, thank you for k*lling my daughter's hymen. I don't think so.

Kyler Montero's lake house? Marcie did the bathroom.

She's gonna know the address, so let's just go.

All right, dope. Dope.

Ow, my eyes! Yeah!

Okay, come on in now.

It's all fun and games until there's a decapitation.

I don't need any more dead girls on my conscience.

I'm sorry, Rudy.

We just had to check that off the old prom bucket list.

Oh, my God, Sam!

Come here. Yeah. Move, Chad!

Chad, you want a drink? No.

What you got there?

This is a very, very special reduced hash oil of my own invention.

It has rosemary essence for blood flow, a curcumin extract from turmeric to reduce inflammation, and it gets you super baked.

All right.

Let's do it. Do I just... I suck?

Yeah, you press the button, then you take, like, a little puff.

Or a really, really big one.

Okay.

And then you just hold it for, like, a b*at.

You guys know that Tanner Dunn's parents rented out a whole floor of the Park West Hotel for an after-party?

What?

Um... yeah, he, uh...

I guess they're super loaded and they're still proud of him even though it took him like six years to graduate.

I remember him. He got to, uh, miss school when his kid was born. Yeah, yeah, that guy.

You should definitely let it go now.

Holy sh*t. Oh, yeah.

I can run a six-minute mile.

My lung capacity is legit.

No! One more selfie, and this time, let's pose like Kanye.

No. Boo! Yes.

You take too many pictures. Uh...

They don't look like him.

Ugh, it's just a bunch of paint samples and swatches.

Hunter, quiet.

Why do I have to be quiet?

sh*t would not fly if Marcie found out.

Who wears the pants in this house, dawg?

I do. Oh!

Mmm.

This is soy creamer? Are you sure?

It's pretty freaking rich.

This is so messed up. Who are you to get involved in our daughter's sex life?

Oh, honey, I was just try... No, don't "honey" me.

Did your dad try to stop you when you lost your virginity?

That's totally different.

It is not different. It's a double standard.

Oh, when a guy loses his virginity, it-it's no big deal.

It's celebrated, but if a girl does, it's some sort of big loss of innocence?

Yes. But come on, you guys.

It's the same damn thing.

Oh, Marcie!

Stop talking.

Just give us the address. Just give us the address.

Honestly, Lisa, I can't believe you're on their side.

Side? This is not some philosophical debate.

We're trying to stop our daughters from some kind of sex pact that they've planned and not thought through all the way.

That is such bullshit.

How do you expect society to treat women as if they're equal when their own parents won't?

I don't know about that.

I'll deal with society tomorrow.

Right now I'm thinking about my daughter.

Well, that is... that's convenient.

Yeah. You know what?

Go ahead and be part of the group that perceives women as little damsels in distress that need saving.

Who cares about us not getting paid as much or not having control of our own bodies?

Can you please not talk to me like I'm someone who bombs abortion clinics?

I think we're a little off topic.

Just... we need the address.

I just can't believe that you think Julie shouldn't be free to explore her sexuality in the same way that boys are.

Girls and boys are very different.

Guys will take whatever's in front of them.

We have these feelings, and then... your parents won't let you see the man.

And then he just writes a lot of letters, but you don't get them because your mom doesn't give them to you, and then it starts raining really hard

'cause he built a house for you, and... and then it's...

Mitchell, did you get the address? Yep.

What? I'm really sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.

I'm just really stressed out. It was so good to see you.

Was that The Notebook?

f*cking f*ck off, Hunter. g*dd*mn it! Mitchell!

I love you. I'm doing this for our daughter.

I'll be home late. f*cking sh*t!

To the loss of our innocence.

Oh!

Come on. Ooh!

You guys.

This is the best night.

I am so drunk, super high, and Connor has a little something-something that I feel I need to go check out.

All right. It's f*ck o'clock.

No way. You, too? Yep.

These are macarons. Ooh.

With a very special concoction of mine that I call Wavy Davy.

So it's DMT that I get from the Dark Web.

Uh, and then there's a little tiny bit of Xanax to just kind of take the edge off, you know.

It's pretty tight.

Mm, sounds pretty tight.

And then I bake it into a white chocolate macaron, and it has, like, a raspberry filling that's both, uh, light and fluffy but also very flavorful and satisfying.

Are you ready?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Okay.

Mmm. Let's go.

Hmm.

It's yum.

Hmm.

Okay, so what do we do? We just walk in and-and flick the lights on and off until the kids come? Shh.

Just act cool and young, and maybe we'll just slip in.

Mitchell, untuck your shirt.

No, it's not that kind of shirt.

It looks stupid untucked. Untuck your shirt.

You look like a youth minister.

Untuck your f*cking shirt, man.

We're trying to look cool. All right.

Whoa, whoa.

Sorry, bro. Sorry, guys.

Sorry. My friend's wasted.

Don't. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey. No... no adults are getting into my house.

Not on prom night. Okay, not on prom.

We were just down the street at, um, another party, and then we just decided to come up here and hang with you guys.

Um, no parents here, right?

Oh, thank God.

No, not except for you guys. No.

We're not...

Yeah, no. We don't...

Okay, so you're cops.

I got two DUIs last year. How could I be a cop?

The police?

Look at my untucked shirt.

You're literally the cop-iest m*therf*cker I've ever seen.

You look like you got your hair cut in the back of a squad car.

This is a regular men's haircut.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

All right, you're minors, we're minors.

You're like 45 years old.

f*ck you. I was born in '77.

'87. '94.

We're gonna drink with you guys.

Would cops drink with underage kids?

No. No.

Okay. What about a little chugging contest?

Um...

Yeah.

Bring it.

Okay, wait.

I got to get the room ready.

Oh, wow.

You're really going for it, aren't you?

I saw this in the romantic comedy, American Beauty. So good.

You watch the whole thing?

You know what this candle does to me.

Is that the one that gives you hives?

No, it's the good one. Oh, nice.

You look so hot right now.

Where are my chuggers at? You ready? Yeah!

Oh, right here. Let's go. Whoot, whoot!

All right.

Cool. Drop 'em.

Let's do it.

Wait, what?

Guys?

We're just chugging, right?

We're butt-chugging.

Yeah, you put the tube up your butt, and you funnel the beer in.

Fucks you up way more, man. Trust me.

Guys, butt-chugging? You got this. You got it.

No, I'm tagging out. You're in.

What? Why me? You've had a baby.

Everything's looser down there.

I didn't have a baby out of my butt.

Even I know that. Mitchell.

Okay, this isn't a common occurrence with me, but I have had things up there before.

Hmm? It's just all about breathing.

So just breathe through it and accept it in.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Hey! She's up there right now with that d*ck-bag Connor with his man bun and that stupid smirk.

Think about this.

W-Wait. Connor?

You know... you know Connor Aldrich, "The Chef"?

Why do they call him "The Chef"?

Uh, maybe a big fan of South Park?

"Hello, children."

No, no. He cooks dr*gs into everything.

Everything. Uh, one time he made me this, like, acid financier cake. Oh!

That sh*t was to die for, man.

Like, literally, I almost f*cking d*ed.

Yeah, dude, if your daughter had anything like that cake, she might not remember who you are tomorrow.

Give me the f*cking tube.

Let's bone.

Wait, what? Oh.

Are you sure that this is how you want to do it?

Yes, Chad.

This is always how I've imagined it.

Oh, you know, I'd rather leave my shirt on, if that's sexier.

I need another drink.

Wait, wait, uh...

Can you lube it up with something first?

Yeah, I'll just spit on it. No!

Why? Because I'm a man? Get over yourself.

No, 'cause you're f*cking gross, and your f*cking saliva's gross.

I have... I have lip gloss. I have lip gloss.

Got a lip gloss. We got a lip gloss. Okay, fine. sh*t.

I don't have lip gloss.

All right, guys, let's get those tubes in.

All right, I got the lip gloss on there.

Okay. Okay, okay.

All right. Okay, ready?

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

It's not in yet. Okay. - Chill.

So it's just gonna be on the count of three.

You got this, dawg. This is for your kid.

On three. Okay. All right. Yeah. On three.

Okay, one... One...

Oh! Are you okay?

Okay, get your 40s. They got a lager and an IPA.

Does it... Doesn't-doesn't...

It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Okay.

I don't know about this. No, no, no, no.

It's too late. It's already in. Here you go.

It's in you. It's part of you now.

Ready? Set... Yeah.

Chug...!

Butt chug! Butt chug! Butt chug!

Oh, wait.

Hey, hey. Loosen up.

It's not working, dude. I can't.

You can hold my hand. Okay.

Butt chug! Butt chug!

Ow! You're hurting her.

That really hurt! I'm sorry!

Hey, man, listen.

Channel that energy into your butthole.

Breathe. This changes everything I know.

Dude, if your daughter could see you now, she'd be so proud of you.

Whoa.

I am... I am tripping so hard.

It's not working. It's not working, dude.

Oh, it's terrible. Oh. It is.

Butt chug! Butt chug!

Open up. No, I'm sorry.

I-I can't do it, man. Focus! For your daughter.

f*ck, Mitch. Focus.

You gotta breathe. You gotta open up, dude.

Relax. I'm relaxed. I'm dilated.

I'm staring at your assh*le. You're not dilated.

Mitchell, you're gonna lose to this punk bitch?

Breathe. Take it in.

Butt chug!

There we go.

Okay, good. Oh! Oh, it's working!

It's working! It's working! Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t!

We're almost halfway done.

Po's! f*cking run!

Cops?

Oh, no!

Ass beer! Oh, oh!

Lisa, the beer went into my mouth!

I have to go to the hospital!

Hurry up! Get out of here!

sh*t.

We got to go.

I got ass beer in my mouth. I should go to the hospital.

Oh, sh*t. The f*cking cops?

f*ck. The f*cking cops are here?

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. I can't get the tube out.

Pull the tube out. Lis, pull it out.

No. I put it in. I had to spit on it!

What? You spit on it? No, it was my lip gloss.

It was lip gloss. Pull it out!

Hey, man, be gentle. Be f*cking gentle, all right?

I'm gonna be gentle, all right? Ready?

All right, on three. On three.

One. Ow!

Come on. Whoo!

Hey, guys. Guys.

Wait, wait.

Sam?

Sam, Sam! We're over here.

No! No, I... No. She's...

The night is over. No.

It's over. It's done.

The night is not over.

The night has just begun.

Jesus, Chad, use your legs.

I mean, I pretty much carried her, like, the whole way there.

Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle!

Come on, Sam.

Come with us. I can't.

My car is here. But all my friends are going to the hotel party.

Maybe I'll see you later.

Get in the car! Go, go, go, girl!

Sam! Seriously, hurry up! You'll see her later.

You'll see her later. What are you doing?

Ooh, this night is not over, I swear to Christ!

Dukes of Hazzard!

r*cist-ass show anyway.

I got the spins, man. We got to find our daughter, dawg.

I'm gonna sit down for a second. Rudy!

It's Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, wait, wait!

There he goes, there he goes! Hit the clicker!

Open the doors! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, sit. I got mine.

Seat belts! You'll get a big ticket.

That's them right there. They're getting away.

You gotta go faster. Hey. Okay.

Hey, you gotta be at 110%.

Okay. You got to be in it to win it!

How do you get more competitive when you're drunk?

Hey, man. I'm more of a winner when I'm drunk, all right?

Okay, okay. And the question I have for you, Lis: Are you a winner?

Are you in it to win it?

Winning is my bitch! All right.

Strong. Knock, knock!

Who's there? Me winning.

It's not...

It's not that good.

I don't... Ow, ow!

Lisa winning! It's not that good.

Ow! f*ck! All right, it's good.

It's fine. I like it.

Hey, you're losing him. Let's go.

Not on my watch.

Oh, hey! Whoa! - Ow!

Y'all think you gonna outrun Rudy "The Main m*therf*cking Man" Glover?

Hell no.

Are you all right? No!

Come on.

You okay?

Hey, guys.

Hey, I don't...

I don't feel so...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

Lisa, I have seen every single Fast and the Furious movie, okay? Mm-hmm.

All of them, dozens of times. Have you seen any of them?

I saw the Tokyo one, and I saw the one where The Rock punches the torpedo.

Those are the best two to see.

Okay, in times like this, I ask myself one question:

"WWVDD?" You know what that means?

"What would Vin Diesel do?"

Holy sh*t!

No one's ever f*cking gotten that before. Okay.

Oh, man, it smells like...

What we're gonna do... we're gonna kiss the bumper.

You give it a little tap. Okay.

And then they're gonna spin and stop, and we're gonna spin and stop the other way.

Okay. And we're gonna look at each other, and we're gonna go, "It's all about the family."

Wait, I don't feel comfortable running the kids off the road.

This slow and un-furious attitude is not helping us.

You have to believe!

Okay, I'm gonna kiss it.

Here we go!

What's that?

Did I do it? No, you didn't even kiss it.

You gotta kiss it. sh*t. Okay.

Kiss it for the family.

Is that Sam? Is that Sam?

Oh! Oh, God! She barfed on us!

Oh, my God!

f*ck.

Okay.

Are we in Heaven?

Okay. Listen, I know how to do this.

Everyone lean backwards.

If we all lean backwards on three, the car will roll back.

Ready? Okay.

One... two... three.

Oh, f*ck...! No!

Oh! Oh, no!

Well, that's the last of the ass beer.

Jesus! That's it. Are you okay?

Are you bleeding? You might have internal blood injuries.

I'm all right, I'm all right. Here's the problem.

The Fast and the Furious movies are not realistic.

Where are we?

sh*t!

f*ck.

What are you doing?

I heard that in times of crisis, parents have superhuman strength. No offense... there's no scientific way you're gonna flip that car over.

I couldn't even do that. I couldn't do it, either.

Do not tell me what I can and can't do.

Kayla's not answering again.

g*dd*mn it. We lost 'em, guys.

We are f*cked!

Or maybe not.

What are you doing?

Trying to telepathically communicate with Kayla.

I'm with the X-Men of parents.

You know what my secret power is?

I'm super f*cking annoyed right now, and I hurt my love handle.

No, no.

Hey.

You guys think my new clothes go with my fedora?

I'm just kidding. I know they do.

Hey.

Have you talked to your mom? No.

So, my parents were just texting me, and they were having sex, and your mom showed up looking for you.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

It's... it's okay.

They have sex all the time.

Oh, my God.

She... The texts.

So many texts.

She's mad.

I need to handle this.

Good news. A Lyft is on its way.

Oh, wait, no, I know this guy. He sucks.

Oh, sh*t. It's Julie.

Be-be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. Okay, be quiet.

Okay. Hey, Mom.

I just got all your texts, and I just want to let you know that we're all good.

Cool, cool. Okay.

Um, are you at the prom?

Yeah.

Yeah, just nonstop magical moments.

Ha! You are lying to me.

Where are you right now? Where are you?

Why are you freaking out?

I'm freaking out because I know what you're up to.

And I know that you and your friends are planning some kind of little sex pact or whatever.

What did you say? You heard me.

How could you possibly know?

Because I am your mother and I know you.

And I know you better than you know yourself. Yes.

And I also know that you're planning on going to UCLA and that you're following Austin.

Yeah.

I... know... everything.

Oh, my God, you know nothing.

Why do you even assume that it's me following Austin?

Huh? You're not worried about me, Mom.

You're worried about you.

You're afraid of losing me.

You're afraid of being alone.

I am not scared of being alone.

This is not about me.

I have not thought about myself for the last 18 years.

This is about you.

And as a single mother, I am trying to stop you from making a life-ruining decision.

So I was a... a life-ruining decision?

No. No, of cour... No, that is not what I meant.

No, that is not what I meant. You know what, Mom?

I'm not going to UCLA because of some boy, okay?

I'm going to UCLA because it's the furthest I can get from you.

W-Well...

Hello?

Nanaru is on his way.

46 minutes.

Well, so she hates me.

She doesn't hate you.

Kayla's ignoring me.

She's bringing it to a whole new level of spite.

Yeah.

It's a... that's a new level of pain.

Yeah. I know, I know.

It's just different for me, because I gave birth to her, and I just feel very connected.

She was living in my body.

Kayla grew in me. Yeah.

She grew in me. She-she did.

She grew from my balls, and I sh*t her into Marcie.

This is the same for you and me.

Not exactly.

I mean, you have daily love in your life, and I'm probably gonna die alone and won't be found for a really long time.

Until one day, someone will be walking by with their golden retriever, and the dog is just gonna lose its sh*t, and then they're gonna call the police, and then they're gonna come in and find me draped over the tub with my feral cats eating away at my hair.

'Cause cats do that.

The f*ck is wrong with you?

That is some dark sh*t.

You're gonna die alone? Oh, oh, oh, oh! My man!

My man! Where the hell did you get that idea?

You know what? Come on!

I call you all the time.

You ever return my calls? No.

Because we're not really friends, you and me.

We're not friends?

I don't mean it, uh, that... I-I... you...

You know what you are?

You are like the thing that pops up on Facebook, and then it's, like, this beautiful picture of your grandma who's dead.

And you're like, "f*ck you, Facebook, for reminding me of my loss."

That's why you're avoiding me?

Because I remind you of loss?

Yes. I don't want to be reminded of sweet, young Julie and our kids and that beautiful time in our lives is over. Oh, God.

Boo-f*cking-hoo with you two.

You guys completely ignore me.

Always. Yeah, no sh*t, cheater.

Oh, cheater? That's my... that's my designation?

That's what I am? I'm the cheater?

f*ck that sh*t.

Did you guys ever once call me when that went down and ask me my side of the story?

You didn't.

I would have told you the truth.

I would have told you that Brenda had stopped talking to me months before that happened.

You know she hooked up with her boss at a company retreat in Wisconsin?

Do you know she b*at me up?

She f*cking b*at me up at a Romano's f*cking Macaroni Grill!

She f*cking slapped me in front of the f*cking maitre d'!

I didn't know that. I'm sorry, man.

And I f*cking embarrass myself, and I embarrass myself in front of my daughter.

And I-I-I thought, you know, I should pull back a little bit, and then f*cking Frank showed up, and he... I pulled back more, and I thought, "One day I'm gonna fix it.

One day I'm gonna f*cking fix it."

And then I thought, if I gave her something awesome, like a great night, I could get close with her again.

But I can't.

'Cause she's gone. They're just...

The kids, they... they just leave.

Oh, sh*t! I know how we can find them.

Go to Cathy and Ron's.

Austin's been texting them all night.

Did you hear anything I said just now?

That's a great idea. f*ck it.

It's just good to say it out loud.

Let's go flip that car. Hell...

Jesus Christ!

Oh, my f*cking God.

sh*t.

My car just exploded.

Nanaru is 26 minutes away.

So that's good.

I thought I canceled him.

Thanks, Nanaru.

So Austin's parents aren't gonna just tell us where they are.

So we need to get Ron's phone, read the texts and find our kids.

Okay?

Hunter, it's not gonna be you.

So, Mitchell, it's you.

No. That's breaking and entering.

That is... I'm uncomfortable with that.

Are you a team player, or aren't you?

Am I a team player?

I just chugged a 40 with my assh*le.

I'm a team player.

Then get your head in the game.

It's the bottom of the third, we are down by one, and there is not a lot of game left.

There is a lot of game left, though.

Listen. You have one pass left.

One. One pass.

Is it rug... rugby? You don't have a limit on passing.

Is it Australian-rules football?

And if it was the third, I would have the fourth...

You know what? You know what's happening right now?

Let me tell you what's happening right now.

Is Kayla and Connor are sliding into bed.

He's grabbing a condom, and then he's flicking it to the side with a smirk on his face.

That f*cking smirk. No way.

We need a Hail Mary pass.

Are you up for that, son?

Yes, Coach. Well, I can't hear you.

Yes, Coach. I'm in it. I can't hear you!

I can f*cking do this! Let's go!

Okay, we gotta... we gotta be quiet.

Careful.

All right, go.

Go.

Did you...? Look at that.

Go out that way.

There's a person. There's a person.

What? f*ck you.

Jesus Christ.

I'm gonna get you.

Not if I get you first.

No, no. Get away from here.

I'm f*cking out. Mitchell, in. - Get in.

Cath? Ron, no talking.

Come on, we had a deal. We have to find each other by sensing each other's musks.

Can't use our voices.

Here, kitty, kitty.

I can smell that musk.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I like the sound of that.

Oh!

Oh! Hey.

You want to touch first, that works for Ronnie.

You want me to touch you?

Help yourself. You want me to touch you?

Yes. I'm gonna touch you hard.

Do it. Do it. How about I touch you with my nails, baby?

Let's have it. Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. Your hair is so sexy, babe.

Your grip is unbelievable.

I want you to touch me where I like.

My balls, you know?

Oh, you'd like me to touch your balls.

You want me to touch your balls, do you?

Yes, I do. How badly do you want me to tug at your balls?

I want you to rip them off my body.

That's what I want. Mm, I don't really believe you.

I don't believe you want it bad enough.

I want it bad. Do it. Come on.

Really? How bad? I want it so bad that my balls are going to explode. Ooh, are they gonna explode into a million little pieces?

Well, let me tell you something, darling.

It is your lucky day.

Because it's Christmas for you.

Let's go.

Come on. Come on, do it.

You there? What, this isn't hard enough?

Let's go. Come on. Harder?

Come on, do it, do it.

I'm waiting. Okeydokey.

Oh, yeah, you like that?

Hey, man, I don't judge people's sex sh*t.

That was ridiculous and stupid.

Way to take one for the team, guys.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here it is.

"The police came to the lake house.

Almost lost my flower but didn't quite work out."

Flower? - Flower? He said that? He's a boy.

Hub-uh-uh, hub-uh-uh...

"Heading to the Park West Hotel.

We've got the Grand Lux Suite." Suite?

"Looks like the little boy is becoming a man."

f*cking dork.

Okay, so that was ten minutes ago.

So they haven't had sex yet.

We can still catch 'em.

Okay, let's do this.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

How's she doing? Is she okay?

No, she's not doing okay. She's bummed.

She doesn't even want to kiss. And I love kissing.

Give me your room key.

What? Why? Yeah.

Give me your room key, and then bring her up in like 15 minutes.

Okay. Yes.

Thanks. You're the man.

Thank you for this.

How we supposed to find them in this place?

It's got like 20 rooms.

I'm sorry, what the f*ck are you talking about?

20? It's got like 200.

What? 20?

Grand Lux Suite is on the top floor.

Go, go, go, go.

Move. Hurry, Lisa!

What am I doing here?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, my favorite.

That's so sweet.

Oh, my God.

This is a dream.

It's, like, perfect.

That is... It's so nice.

You're so sweet.

It actually wasn't me.

It was Kayla.

She wanted you to have the perfect night.

That's why it looks so good.

Well, why do you look so good?

You're such a dork.

I-I know.

Oh, my God.

Not as smooth as I could.

Let me get my shoes.

Kayla?

Nobody move. Where's Kayla?

Kayla? Kayla?

Get that out of here.

Now, how's this work? Is this...?

No, just leave it. Okay, cool.

It's difficult. Mm-hmm.

Play sports.

Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah.

And that's that.

So, you, uh, sure you want to do this?

Yeah.

Yes. f*ck yeah.

You're gonna... you're gonna penis me.

Yep. First, I'm gonna...

I'm just gonna touch it.

You want to touch it? Yeah, you can touch it. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah. Okay, just, like...

Oh! Wow!

Okay. That is, like, the greatest feeling I've ever had in my entire life.

Really?

It doesn't just feel like a super dry hand of a friend?

No. Nope.

Okay, so... do you want to, um... put it in?

No.

Okay.

I can't. I'm sorry. You know what?

Look, we don't ha...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Holy sh*t! Right there. Look at all of it.

Oh, my gosh! I gotta get over.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I just...

It's okay. I was thinking about it and you, and then it just... I'm sorry.

My God.

You're amazing.

I know we're still virgins, but I feel different, you know?

Yeah.

I know.

You ready to, uh, do this?

Wait.

Wait. Um...

Ah, sh*t.

sh*t.

Maybe Julie was right.

Like, maybe losing your virginity doesn't have to be perfect, but...

I feel like it should just be, like, a little bit more special than this, you know?

Yeah. Like, not cheesy, but...

Like, if I was hard-pressed right now, I don't think I could remember your last name.

It's Aldrich. Aldrich.

I thought it was Ostrich.

I-I didn't realize that you're a virgin.

You know? Yeah.

Um, but, like, I'd still be down to do it, but maybe, like, you know, when we get to know each other a little more.

Like, maybe Monday or something?

Yeah. Not to, like, plan it and be weird, but, like...

No, no, I can look at my schedule and see if it's... Okay.

Pencil it in.

Um, yeah, that's cool.

Okay, cool. Um, let's just relax.

We could do, like, some light journaling or something.

Yeah, yeah, we could... we could do that.

Or we could do, like, other stuff.

Yeah? Like what?

Like... not sex, but...

I'm still down for pleasure.

You got this.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Anyone seen Sam? Anyone seen Sam?

Chad!

f*ck.

Get out of the way.

Jesus!

What the f...?

You again?

You! What the f*ck?

What's your beef with me, dude?

I don't know who the f*ck you are!

I'm Jake m*therf*cking Donahue.

That name means nothing to me.

Do you know what it's like to be humiliated in front of everyone you know and have to seek redemption for that?

Actually, yes, I do.

Kayla? Kayla?

Kayla? Get the hell away from my daughter, you little piece of sh*t!

Dad, what the...?

Oh, my God!

You okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?

What? No, he didn't hurt me.

Holy sh*t! Connor.

Ow. Oh, my God, are you okay?

I'm actually totally fine.

Connor, I'm so sorry.

Are you okay, though? Yeah, please...

Are you sure?

Dad, what the... what are you doing here?

I've been following you around all night.

Are you ser...? Oh, my God.

You've been following me?

Are you crazy? You gave me no choice.

You're in over your head with this kid.

I am not some pathetic damsel in distress that needs saving.

I can handle myself. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. Kayla, you can't.

And that's why I'm here.

It's my job.

Oh.

Yeah, so you just don't think I can make my own decisions and handle myself.

That really f*cking sucks.

Kayla...

Kayla, I'm just trying to figure this thing out.

God. Why is sex even bad?

I-I don't know. I don't know. It's...

It's not... You know, it's...

I don't know.

I'm...

I'm just trying to be the best dad I can be.

Well, you are.

You taught me everything.

You built me up.

Made me strong.

You made me into who I am.

Like, that's...

You did not have to save me tonight, Dad.

You taught me how to do that a long time ago.

And I love you for it.

Best coach ever.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Dad, come on.

Come on, toughen up.

It was just really nice what you said.

It's good. It's good.

I mean it.

Thanks. I feel like... like Phil Jackson when he was coaching the Bulls, and... and then the... and they were so good.

That's how I feel right now. Yeah.

I should have taken my socks off first.

Now, I'm just warning you, I've practiced a few times, but this might not go that well. That doesn't look right.

Yeah, all right. I think you need another one.

I think we need another one, too. Wait, wait.

We have to do our dance.

We have to. Like, yeah, yeah. What, now?

Naked? No, get me one of those, um... the hotel robes. I want to feel fabulous.

Okay.

Coming right up, milady.

We're gonna christen every corner of this room.

And when we're done, let's FaceTime my parents.

Okay, but right now, I want you to stare into my eyes.

What? Mm-hmm.

I just want, like, a real connection.

So you just want me to look straight into your eyes for the next three minutes and 37 seconds?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Look at me.

Dad? Where is he?

What are you doing here? Chad?

Hey, Chad, you m*therf*cker.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Did he make you do something you don't want to do?

'Cause I don't care if he's the f*cking coolest kid in school.

I'm gonna shove his fedora so far up his ass, it'll be a hat.

No, Dad, we didn't do it.

All right? And even if we did, it would be none of your business.

It's just, I was worried about you.

Well, that's a first.

I deserve that.

Sam, I gotta tell you something, and I'm just gonna say it.

Sam, I have realized over the last few years...

...that I have made a big mistake in my life.

What, like cheating on my mom?

Well, no. Marrying your mom.

But no, that... that wasn't a mistake, because then I wouldn't have had you.

I've made lots of mistakes, but th-the big mistake... is that I let what happened between your mom and I get in the way of our relationship.

I'm sorry.

And I hope that we can start over and... build up our relationship again because... you're my only kid.

And I'm your only dad.

Well, Frank is...

f*ck Frank.

Frank's fine.

Dad, can I tell you something now?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, anything.

I'm a lesbian.

Give me your hand.

What does your mom think?

She doesn't know.

You told me before you told your mom?

Yeah. That's big news.

She doesn't know?

You didn't tell Frank? No.

Okay. Over.

Crying is over.

What do your girlfriends think?

No, I'm too nervous. I can't tell them.

You're nervous to tell Kayla and Julie?

It's just... I don't want to lose my two best friends.

This is the stuff you tell the people you care about.

You think they're not gonna support you because you're gay?

They would support you if you were a vampire.

They would support you more.

With all the Twilight sh*t.

Do we still like Twilight? Definitely not.

No, no.

Oh, God.

Thanks for showing up.

Really.

But you should probably leave because it's insane that you even came here in the first place.

I'd love to get a picture with you.

Yeah.

Great. Okay.

Just gonna stand on this.

Yeah, you know... you know the drill. Come on.

Come on. Here we go.

Gotta turn it around here.

Dad, you're not taking it.

It's...

What?

I'll remember this.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

What's up, dawg?

So, I just, uh... parented the sh*t out of Sam.

And I feel, uh... oh, God, like, uh... pride, I think.

That's it. It's new.

Good for you, man.

Thanks.

Well done, my friend.

Thank you. Well done.

How'd it go with Kayla?

Put Connor through a wall.

Are you serious?

Yeah. He's okay.

Yeah, he's lighter than I thought.

Hey.

Hi.

So, Julie's, um...

Julie's having sex right now.

Okay. And sit down. Wowie.

Yeah.

But it's good. It's fine, right?

I mean, you have to do that eventually.

Right?

Are you good? Yeah.

They seem like they really like each other, and that's nice.

That's a good thing, but it's just a little, you know, scary, because what if he doesn't know how to do it right?

You know, like, what if he doesn't know where to put it?

But he knows, right? Should I go back up there?

No. No, no, no, no. No, no, he'll figure it out.

No, no. It's one or the other.

Nope. You stay right here.

Do you want to have a drink right now?

You mean, like, hang out?

Yeah.

Yes, I do.

I'm in. I'm definitely in.

Um, we will be having some sh*ts of alcohol, please.

Yes, we will.

This is crazy.

This is... Well, I'm going to, uh... let you guys have your fun, and I will, uh...

I-I will see you guys around.

Hey!

You, too.

Yeah.

Right.

f*ck yeah.

Piña colada.

Just get him a sh*t.

Cheers.

What a night, guys.

That's beautiful.

So, I don't think the kid at the lake house was actually butt-chugging.

Definitely. Yeah.

What? Yep. - Yeah.

And so he threw me through a table, uh...

I'm so sorry. No, it was cool.

I, like... I kind of feel fine.

All right, see you. It's cool. - See you.

Hey, guys.

Austin, uh, let's go get a drink, man. Yeah, sure.

Want a fry?

So badly.

Can I have a fry, too?

Yeah. Yes.

So...

I... I couldn't go through with it.

Yes, I didn't. No.

Holy sh*t.

You're a woman amongst girls.

Julie. - Yeah. Congratu-f*ck-ulations.

Thank you. Thank you. How was it?

Honestly, it was a little painful, kind of fast and kind of awkward, but absolutely perfect.

Aw!

You guys, so much... so much went down tonight.

I know.

Including Connor.

No. Let's just say...

The Chef went out to eat... my p*ssy.

It was good.

Ba-ba-ba!

DJ Chad. Is that Chad?

That's Chad. Chad! That's Chad.

Yes, Chad!

Holy sh*t. f*ck yeah, Chad!

Guys, I got to tell you something.

Okay, okay.

Really?

Yeah. Wait, you are?

Yeah.

I love you.

Forever.

And you, too.

Oh, my God!

I love you. Hold on. Sam, come here, you.

Excuse me.

I can't believe you didn't tell us.

Yay!

Oh, hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Oh.

Uh, Julie, I think we got something over here.

Dope cape.

And I'm not... misreading things.

So you'll call me every day till you get to L.A., right?

Yeah, and then, like, every day after that.

Okay.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

You're gonna be okay, though.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's the weirdest thing because...

I have been worried about this day for 18 years, and then I wake up this morning, and... nothing.

Like, I don't feel emotional at all.

I just feel, like...

It's so bizarre. Mm-hmm.

What is that?

It's, like, splashing on me.

I know. Isn't that so strange?

Yeah.

I love you, Mom.

I love you.

No, I have money. I...

Lisa, tell him I can afford br...

Hmm. Sorry. Sorry.

All right, come on.

Let's get this road trip started!

We're waiting for you! I love you.

Bye. Okay.

Oh, hold on. Let me take a video.

I love you. I love you.

Bye, Mom.

I love you. Okay, bye.

Mwah! See you.

Drop Julie off in Cali, and then you and Kayla come right back home. That's a, a big maybe.

And text, please. Please. Hey.

Take care of my mom, you two, okay?

We will. All right. Later, big guy.

Bye, Dad. I'm going to college! - Bye!

Drive careful, young man. That's precious cargo.

Love you!

Aw. Come on.

Guys. - Come on. We did it.

We did it. We did it.

We parented.

We did it. We did it.

Oh, it's Julie.

Oh, I must have been accidentally added to the... the group conversation.

Oh, well, should probably leave. What's, uh...

"Can't-can't believe we're on our own now."

Aw, that's sweet. Yeah.

"We're gonna get lit af."

"Lit A.F."

That's not great.

No, it's... they're gonna get literature. African literature.

You think that's what "lit A.F." means?

You think they're talking to each other about, like...

"Lit A.F." "Can The Chef get us..."

Trees? What the hell's trees?

Trees mean weed. I told you that.

Mushrooms, pills. No, the pills are...

Kayla's allergy. That's Claritin.

It's not Claritin. Look.

Snowflakes. That's blow.

"#NoParentsNoRules.

# MadDrugs. # NoCondoms."

Why would they hashtag that?

Wait, I'm sorry. Is that a needle and an eggplant?

What, are they gonna inject heroin into some guy's d*ck?

Let's go. Let's get in the car.

I'll drive. I'm sitting behind you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're just messing with you.

Ha-ha!

"We love you guys. Don't worry."

You guys were so pranked! I was in on it.

You didn't know. No, no, I did. I didn't know it was coming right now. That's why I kind of sold it so well.

But it doesn't matter.

But you guys were like, "Holy sh*t!"

Yeah. Whew.

Damn it, Mitchell.

Marco.

Polo.

I...

Mitchell, are you getting a snack?

I'm so glad we can do stuff like this now that Kayla's in college.

I have no idea where you are.

I'm gonna do so much stuff to you when I find you.

Oh, oh. Marco.

Polo. Ah, ah.

Polo!

I can't believe you! It took forever!

I spent so much time on the stairs.

We're doing this. We're, like, totally doing it.

I know. It's hot. Let's just get crazy.

I don't know.

I want you to grab my balls, like Ron likes it, like, uh... like, hard.