Beverly Hillbillies, The (1993)

[bunniefuu]

I swear, if'n you don't learn to share this honey...

I'm gonna give you a real whuppin:

Now go on!

- Is the doctor in? No doubt about it.

What's ailin' ya, Fat Elmer? I et too much cheese.

Now I can't burp.

Can ya fix me, Granny?

Dang.

Before I sign anything...

I want to know how much money we're talkin' about.

Mr. Clampett, there's more petroleum in your swamp... than there is in all of Kuwait.

That bad, huh? Mr. Clampett... you are sitting on the biggest domestic oil strike in history.

And when you sign these contracts, we're going to pay you one billion dollars.

Do you have anybody who can advise you on these contracts?

Cousin jethro's a-comin'tomorrow night for Sunday supper, Pa.

He's the one with the learnin'. He went to school at Oxford.

Jethro. Yes, Ma?

Did you fix those bare-as-bones brakes like I told you?

Of course. I pulled 'em off yesterday.

The new ones are comin' in the mail next week.

Jethro! Howdy, Granny.

Oh! You dadblamed simpleminded yahoo!

Your cr*ck-bucket head's emptier than last year's bird's nest.

If your head was filled with dynamite...

Ow! Ow! You wouldn't know how to blow your nose!

You... Ow!

Granny! Ow! Granny! Just get out of my sight!

Now, jedediah... you're fixin' to be the richest man in this here county.

Look at how you live. Why, your land's overrun with snakes and skunks.

You got no TV, no telephone and no radio.

You're right, Pearl. We are a-livin'in paradise.

No, Jed! Paradise is someplace like...

Beverly Hills, Californy.

- They got swimmin'pools. Mm-hmm.

And movie stars. And smog.

What's a smog?

I reckon it's a small hog.

Now, if you're not gonna think about yourself, think about your daughter.

You need to get remarried, jed, and she needs a ma... someone to teach her womanly ways.

- She's runnin'wild, jed. She's no different than a boy.

Imagine that. Elly May wearin'fancy dresses... and actin' ladylike!

Well, that don't sound like much fun.

Beverly Hills.

Listen to what I'm sayin: jed.

It would be the best thing for y'all.

Just pack up all your belongin's and move on out there.

Jethro could drive you out in his truck.

I ain't drivin' in no movin' vehicle with no dunderhead.

I ain't no dunderhead.

Come on! Put me down! Set him down.

- See what I mean? Who are you, mister?

Ozark Mountain Oil. Mr. Briggs sent me to see if you'd signed the contract.

Oh, my. Elly May Clampett.

Well, that's it.

I've made my decision.

For the good of this here family...

I'm a-movin' us to Beverly Hills.

Now, don't you worry, Elly May.

We gonna take good care of your critters for ya. Okay, Sam. I know you will.

Oh, Ma!

What's all this I hear about you not wantin' to go to Californy?

I like it here. Say what you will... but there ain't nothin' you can do to get me off of this rockin' chair.

- I ain't goin' nowheres! Cut me loose! It's a long ride to Californy.

Jedediah Clampett, I'm gonna skin you alive!

Hush up, Granny.

Get goin', boy, before she breaks loose.

I ain't a-goin:!

Watch your head, Granny.

There's so many people in this here town.

Goin' to take a long time to meet everybody.

Hey! Nice wheels, buddy!

Jethro, why do you think that feller's pointin' at us?

I reckon that's the way they wave "howdy" in Californy.

- Has, uh... Uh.! Excuse us.!

Has escrow closed on the Clampett estate?

Yes, chief. With an offer of 22 million in cash, it closed swiftly.

And I must say, it is inspirational... how you happened to find a place for the Clampetts right next-door to your own.

Hathaway, the people who lived there... were my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years.

It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy.

Yeah. I just hope my call to the I.R.S. didn't have anything to do with it. Well.

Now, um, what time does their fight arrive? That's just it, chief.

- They're driving. Driving?

From Arkansas?

I know it makes no sense whatsoever.

Not to you, perhaps.

But to a man with vision, like myself...

That is a sign of daring, self-confidence, vigor. Of course, chief.

Hmm. Doesn't he look busy at work.

Tyler.

Would you step in here for a moment, please. Oh!

- Geez. It's an earthquake.!

Oh.

You wanted to consult with me? Sit down, Tyler. Relax.

I have heard that you are quite excited about the arrival of the Clampetts.

I think that you and I, together... can fully exploit the potential of the Clampett financial portfolio.

Hmm.

You and I. The two of us.

I've already taken the liberty of drawing up the power of attorney papers.

Have you now? So I can write checks, arrange investments... make international transactions.

Really work the Clampett account. Hmm.

We'll be quite the team, sir.

Mmm.

Tyler, you will personally rescind, shred and burn... every paper you have drawn up with regard to the Clampett account.

I'll be handling that account personally. Duly noted.

And nice kick, sir.

Took me completely by surprise.

Tyler.

The Clampetts will not be badgered. Sir?

They are not your common garden-variety millionaires.

They are, in fact, billionaires.

By definition, people of, uh, discrimination... discernment, great refinement.

Boy, howdy.!

Hey! Jethro, we's supposed to go thataway.

Hey! You cut us off, you bunch of nothin's!

That's real nice, son.

This here's what I carry.

Okay. Go! Go, go!

Margaret!

Morgan, come in here a minute, please.

Hi. I'm Doug Llewelyn, and welcome to the People's Court.

Where is your mother?

She's changing.

That would be too much to hope for.

Oh. Milburn, I'm sorry. I have to cancel our lunch.

What? I have to spend more quality time with Babette.

Margaret, dear, we are trying to do more things together... put the spark back, remember?

You claim the defendant has your dog?

- Um, well, actually... Yes or no?

Yes, we do. - Morgan. Morgan. - It's my dog.

- It's your dog? Yes. I raised this dog from a pup, and due to...

Morgan, I have a little job for you.

Ajob? Yes. J.D. Clampett has a daughter your age.

Now, she's goin' to high school with you.

I want you to show her around.

Just be her friend. Oh, man.

You wanna pay me to hang out with her?

She must be a major bowwow.

Son.

Morgan.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Now picture this.

I cut off your allowance...

Cancel your credit cards...

And delete you from my will.

Now, how do you see your future?

Grilling frozen cow parts at Burger King?

And people say you're stupid.

Monday morning, first period, 8:00 a. M... she'll be like the little sister Mom thought would ruin her figure.

- The dog will go to the plaintiff, Rusty.

Honey, I'm home.

Why don't you come here and give your little embezzling cowboy a ride around the bungalow.

No. Why not?

'Cause I'm still living in this dump when I should be living in a mansion in Beverly Hills.

Laura, sweetheart.

Bungalows 3A, 3B and 3C are in Los Angeles.

We live in 3G which, technically, is in Beverly Hills.

You're all talk, Tyler.

You said we'd have enough money this month... to buy me that little baby sealskin coat.

We will. Promises, promises.

Sweetie, we will.

J.D. Clampett, the billionaire, just opened up an account at the bank.

Who is this Clampett guy?

If he's so rich, how come I've never heard of him?

Baby cakes, this guy's got more money than he knows what to do with.

Now, that's a problem I think we can help him with.

Stop the car, Jethro!

They's a fresh k*ll in the road.

Can't just leave it there. You're right, Granny.

Roadkill stew sounds mighty good right now.

Oh, no, you don't, you old coot! I seen it first!

- Milburn, call Westec Security. Well, I...

I'm sure there's enough for us all.

Eww! How revolting.

Easy now, Granny. They're probablyjust bein'neighborly... like them nice folks we met on that extry-wide road.

Well, let's give 'em a Californy howdy.

- Howdy, y'all.! Howdy.!

Milburn!

Did you fip me off?

You reckon we're at the wrong spot, UncleJed?

Could be. Don't know.

It's the right address, Pa.

Whee doggies!

The whole place looks brand-new.

Hey, UncleJed, there's a whole 'nother house up here.

This is a big ol'house.

Why do you reckon they got two sets of steps?

That's easy.

One's for goin' up. The other's for goin' down.

Oh.

What a pretty critter.

Hello, police? This is Miss Jane Hathaway.

I wish to report the unlawful entry... of a g*ng of armed and dangerous hooligans at the Clampett estate.

518 Crestview Drive.

I need you here code three, and I will be timing you.

I think you got you a new friend, Duke.

Cease and desist.! Everyone.!

If I were you, sir, I would yield, submit and capitulate.

What are you desperadoes doing here?

Well, it's a mighty long story. But he don't mind tellin' it.

Pa was a-huntin' one day with old Duke. Duke spotted this jackrabbit.

So I throws up my g*n, and I takes my aim... Don't sh**t!

Pardon, ma'am?

Two minutes and 46 seconds.

Go.! Go.! Go.!

I need three men over there on the south side.!

Attention, inside.! You're surrounded.!

Drop your weapons and file out one at a time.!

- Don't sh**t! Oh! They've taken me hostage! Attention, inside.!

Drop your weapons and file out one at a time!

This is the Beverly Hills Police Department.

Told you this warn't no house.

- You heard him. It's the police department. This is your last warning.!

All right! Fire one in!

Look.

They's a-playin' kick the can.

Move in!

I knew we shouldn't have never left home. I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

Right this way. We've I.D. 'd them all.

Excellent. We want the wheels of justice to spin quickly.

These criminals must be prosecuted and incarcerated... before our client finds out what happened.

Exactly.

The reputation of Milburn Drysdale is at stake.

Would everyone turn to the right, please.

Huh.! Hmm.! Pathetic.

Now we have, starting on the left, a Jedediah Clampett.

Then, next to him, his daughter, Elly May. Huh?

And a Daisy Mae Moses, a. k. a. "Granny. "

And a nephew, jethro Bodine.

And some woman involved in a drive-by slapping.

Oh, chief. Chief. Are you okay?

Chief. Quickly! Say something!

Say something!

You're fired!

Mr. Clampett, sir! I am deeply sorry... for any embarrassment my former assistant might have caused you.

L-I... Yes, sir. L-I...

I- I humbly apologize for my egregious error.

And rest assured that it will never happen again... as I am no longer in the employ of the bank.

Chief, Mr. Drysdale, I will clean out my desk at once.

Oh, dear.! Oh, please, don't trouble yourselves.

Please, gentlemen. Oh. Oh, thank you. Don't trouble yourselves.

Oh, I'm... Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, thank... No.

So, then everything is fine?

Mr. Clampett, please don't take your money from my bank.

I'll do anything you want. I'll contribute to charities, anything.

I'll eat mud.

That won't be necessary.

All I want is for this here lady to watch over my affairs.

Me? You want me?

Well, I reckon you done what you done...

'cause you didn't know we was who we was.

And if we hadn't have been who we was... we'd have still been much obliged for you a-doin' what you done.

Mr. Clampett, I will work very hard for you.

I trust you will.

Is that all right with you, Mr. Drysdale?

That's exactly what I'd do in your situation.

So we got ourselves a deal. Ah!

Absolutely!

Yeah.

Just to show you there's no hard feelin's... we'd like to invite you and your family to Sunday supper.

Thank you. We'll be there. It'll give me the opportunity to swap recipes with your wife.

Oh, she'd love that.

Here you go.

What-What are you doing? We're just payin' our respects.

You... Oh.

Oh. Oh, no. This is a limousine.

You'll be going home in this.

You take this, and I'll follow you in my Rolls-Royce.

- There you go. Is that your car?

Yes, it is. Ain't that fancy!

Can I drive it?

You drive my $180,000 Rolls-Royce?

Uh, well, of course you can, son. I think that's a great idea.

Hot dog!

Howdy!

Oh, isn't this exciting?

Elly May Clampett, sit down!

Oh, excuse me.

Hello.

Let Mr... Let Mr. Clampett know... that the full weight of the bank is ready to help them.

Yes, chief. She thinks she's talkin' to somebody.

Ain't even a cord there.

Like real estate, bonds, securities.

Whatever it is he wants, it's his.

Mr. Drysdale wants you to know that the bank is ready to help in any way that it can.

There's one reason and one reason only I moved out here.

I'm lookin' to get hitched.

Chief, he says he wants to get hitched.

"Hitched"? Married.

Married? Chief, that's what I said.

Miss Hathaway, if... if Clampett wants a wife... tell him that you will personally find him one.

Oh, chief, capable as I may be, matrimonial brokering is...

Is now one of your specialties.

Congratulations, Miss Hathaway, and good luck.

Yes, sir. Oh, dear.

No problem. Uh, Mr. Clampett.

Just exactly what are you looking for in a fianc�e?

A "fianc�e"?

"Fianc�e"is French for the person you intend to marry.

Well, I'm lookin' for a refined lady... to help me raise my daughter, Elly May.

Aw, Pa, I'm already raised up.

And refined.

Ah. Elly May, don't spit from a movin' vehicle.

Wait till it stops.

Jethro, save some for our guests.

Here you go, Unclejed.

I think old Duke is sweet on your critter.

She's not a critter. She's a champion French "Barbonet. "

And her purebred puppies are gonna be worth $3,000 each.

Uh, son, what, uh... What do you do?

Don't know. What do you do?

Oh, I'm just president of a bank.

Wow. UncleJed, can I be a president too?

Now, Jethro, that's a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale.

No. Ask him if you can be vice president.

Vice president.

Uh-huh.

Vice president. Mm-hmm. I think so.

We can... We can always use another good man.

Hoo-whee. I'm gonna get me a fancy offiice and a pretty secretary.

There's them bells again.

Jethro, I bet you there's somebody standin'at that front door right now.

If I was you, I'd eat real quick whilst he's gone.

Oh, that's good. Margaret, why don't you help yourself, dear.

- Oh, good Lord. What is it?

Howdy, mister. Hi. I'm Woodrow Tyler.

I'm here to seeJed Clampett. Well, come on in.

No, no. No.

- Tyler. Well, what brings you here? Sir, hello.

We took up a collection to buy these beautiful flowers for our newest clients.

Welcome to Beverly Hills.

Well, thank you, sonny.

Tyler, can the ham. Just introduce yourself and get out of here, okay?

Very pleased to meet you. Howdy!

Elly May Clampett!

- He was fixin' to bite my hand. Well, stand him up.

Tyler, apologize. My fault completely, Mr. Clampett.

I moved too quickly.

You have a beautiful daughter... and very strong.

Mrs. Drysdale. Hmm?

What could help Elly May be as refined as you?

Well, I went to finishing school in France.

No one understands refinement and sophistication better than the French.

Hmm. Do you think we ought to move ourselves to France?

Yes, I do. No, you don't. No, she doesn't.

Actually, you can find a good French tutor that'll come right to your home.

I don't wanna change. I just wanna be who I am.

- And I ain't goin'to no France.! Oh, my.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Drysdale. Hmm?

If you ain't gonna eat them vittles, can I have 'em?

Of course you can, son. Bon app�tit.

Thank you.

Elly May, come on down here.

- How'd you know where I was, Pa? 'Cause ever since you could walk... you've been climbin' trees and cuddlin' with your critters.

It's high time you started thinkin' about changin' some things.

You need to start wearin' dresses and fixin' up nice.

But, Pa, folks would call me a sissy.

It ain't sissy for girls to act like girls.

Ever since your ma d*ed, I done what I knew best... and raised you up like a boy... roughhousin', fishin', fightin'.

Yeah. That stuff's fun.

Elly, nature made you a girl, and here lately... she's been gettin' more and more positive about it.

Aw, Pa.

Every time I look into your eyes...

I can see your ma there.

Was my ma refined?

Oh, yes.

She was a real genteel lady.

I miss her so much... even now.

I wanna be just like my ma was.

I reckon I do need somebody to teach me the ways.

Yeah, reckon you do.

And now I got the means to make that happen.

Tyler, don't you have anything better to do today?

I just thought you'd wanna know more about the richest dumb guy in America.

- He's a hayseed, a hillbilly. Mm!

So this Clampett guy should be easy, huh?

Yes, but we better do it fast before he gets married.

Married? Tyler, Clampett's getting married?

No, but he wants to.

- He's a horny old goat lookin' for some action? Nah.

He's just looking for a refined lady...

- to help raise his hellcat daughter, Elly May. Hmm.

But he did seem interested when somebody brought up the idea of a French tutor.

Hmm. A French tutor.

Bonjour. My name is Laurette Voleur... and I am a... French governess.

Well, come on in, ma'am.

Bonjour. I am going door-to-door... to see if anyone needs my services.

- My business card. "Mademoiselle. "

"Mademoiselle... "

Sorry, ma'am. I don't think so. Are you sure?

Yep. There is not a young woman in the house... who is perhaps a bit, uh, unruly?

Not that I can think of, but, then again, we just moved here.

Nobody in need of refinement and sophistication?

No. Maybe you oughta try the neighbors.

Oh, well, I am so sorry to bother you.

I will be going now.

Well, what's the problem, ma'am?

I was just hoping that my services would be needed, but...

Well, what do you do? I teach, um... how do you say this... oh, rambunctious teenage girls how to be more ladylike and proper.

Well, dog my cats. You know, Mrs. Drysdale was just telling us... about how the French was the best at finishing a gal out.

Oui, they are. They are the very, very best... at making a woman a woman.

Hey. I just thought of somethin'.

Maybe she could help with Elly May.

Oh.

Here, Rascal.

Yeah.

You like swimmin' in this cement pond, don't you?

You like it too, Frankie?

Takin'that duck for a swim?

And over here by the cement pond is my daughter Elly.

Elly, say hello to Miss Laurette.

- Howdy, Miss Laurette. Bonjour, Elly May.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

I was thinkin', every day after school... maybe Miss Laurette could help teach you to be a lady.

- How about that? Okay.

Spanky likes you.

Not as much as I like him.

Go on, now, and stay out of trouble.

I finally figured this game out, Spanky.

You take this ball... you put it down this here gully.

It rolls down yonder.

Then you hurl yourself down this slippery gully... and see how many of them there snake-bashin' clubs... you can knock down... before the ball gets there.

What a stupid idiot.

Did you say somethin', ma'am?

What a stupendous intellect.

That's 'cause I graduated the sixth grade, ma'am.

Only took three years.

Now, Elly May, sit straight, chin up... and try to practice looking interested when people are boring you.

Ah, greetings, Mr. Clampett.

- Well, howdy, Miss Jane. Hello, Elly May.

Miss Jane, this here is Miss Laurette Voleur.

Bonjour, Mademoiselle Laurette. Comment allez-vous?

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.

I must only speak the English in front of Elly May. Of course.

Uh, Mr. Clampett, drawing from Commerce Bank clientele...

I have selected some preliminary bridal prospects for you.

Oh.! Oh, dear.! Oh, my goodness.!

Mon Dieu.! How clumsy of me. I'm so sorry.

Oh. Oh, it's no... no problem.

No problem whatsoever. At the bank, I have these in triplicate.

I shall return. I'll walk you out, Miss Hathaway.

Why, thank you, Jethro.

So, Mr. Clampett... perhaps we should discuss my, uh, weekly salary?

Shoo!

Shoo!

Shoo, cow. Excuse me, I'm just going to reach over here and press this button.

Hello. Can anyone hear me?

Can anyone hear me?

Yeah. Can somebody help me?

Hello? Miss Hathaway?

How's it feel to live in Beverly Hills?

Hello? I can hear you. Where are you?

Please, can somebody let me out of here?

I am trapped inside the wall.

Hello? Hello?

- Hello? Hello? Just stay put, Miss Hathaway. I'll get ya out.

Hello?

Watch your head.

Miss Hathaway?

Yoo-hoo!

I'm in. This is gonna be easier than I thought.

So, they bought the French thing?

Mais oui. They're bumpkins.

It's a crime they have so much money.

It's worse than a foreigner winning the lottery.

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

First, I'll lure in Clampett. That'll be easy.

Next, I'll take Elly May and slap on a little window dressing.

Make him think I turned her into a real lady.

Then, when the time is just right...

I'll play one off the other and... wham!

They won't know what hit 'em. You're not gonna sleep with him, are you?

That's not your problem. Okay, Laura?

I got my hand on your butt.

Okay. Hold on.

I got someone on call waiting.

Hello? Hello?

It was nobody. Okay, now.

I got my hand on your butt, and I'm squeezing.

Tyler! Get your hand off my butt.

Mr. Drysdale! Get a pencil and write this down.

Yes, Mr. Drysdale.

Right. Uh-huh. I can do that.

Howdy, I'm Elly May. You must be Mr. Drysdale's son.

Well, thanks for picking me up. Is this here your car?

Are we goin' to school, or are we just goin' to stand here all day?

Hey, y'all. Howdy. She's with me.

Heck, Morgan, I'm tryin' to be friendly-like... but these folks don't seem to want to say howdy back.

They sure are shy. So what?

Elly May, who cares? They're losers.

Not one of them is worth over 300 million.

- Uh-oh. Well, if it isn't Morgan... spelled big "M," little "organ. "

We've gotta go. Not so fast, bank boy. Cough up your lunch money now.

All I have is $400 in traveler's checks.

So just sign them and hand them over.

Jake, show these two what happened to the last guy who didn't pay up.

Well, I can wire the money to your account.

Before the close of the business day.

I don't see why you had to give anything to that gorilla.

Well, that gorilla is the captain of the wrestling team.

Wow. I never wrestled a team before.

Well, 'lessen you count the McCarter triplets. Cappuccino?

What? Two.

Thank you, Tiffany.

This here electronic whittler works real fine.

Why, hello, Jethro.

Well, howdy, Miss Hathaway.

My, don't you look strapping in your new business suit.

Armani? No. I'm pretty sure it's wool. Sure does itch like wool.

Miss Hathaway? Oh, no, no. We're colleagues.

Call meJane. MeJane, you Jethro.

Okay. Okay, Miss Hathaway.

Can I get one of these electronic whittlers for UncleJed?

- It's his birthday coming up real soon. Let me make a note of that.

And speaking of your UncleJed, back to the job at hand...

Finding him a suitable wife. Can I help?

Heck, back in the hollow, my ma was the best matchmaker around.

Is that so? Uh-huh.

First thing she'd do is get the back-fence gossips start a-jawin'.

Why, we could drop some items in the trades.

Excellent. Thank you.

And then she'd... What'd she do?

She'd hang a sign on the church bulletin board.

Maybe we can get a big bulletin board.

No, no. We'd better be a bit more discreet.

Tell me, what are your uncle's favorite things?

sh**t, that's easy.

- He likes smoked crawdads. Mm-hmm.

Sowbelly and hand-slung chitterlings.

And sponge cake.

Besides food, Jethro.

Oh. He likes people who don't waste nothin'. Oh, go on.

And his favorite song is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" by Hank Williams.

Yes! Yes, ma'am.

Entrez.

Excuse me, ma'am, uh... is that Hank Williams I hear?

I'm sorry. It must be too loud.

I will... No, no.

I was just listening to it while repairing this old dress... and, uh, waiting for my sponge cake to bake.

You're cookin' a sponge cake?

Oui. It is my sp�cialit�.

I love this music.

It makes me want to dance.

It's so romantic.

You are a fine dancer... and a very attractive man.

Whomever Miss Hathaway finds for you to marry... is going to be a very happy woman.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

And all women know "a-penis" is hard to find.

Excuse me? "A-penis. "

Oh, happiness!

Well, uh...

I've disturbed your work enough, ma'am.

Jethro, have you considered getting a new car?

Nope, but I told UncleJed we should slap a new coat of paint on this'n.

But he said just 'cause we had money... we didn't need to go showin' it off.

I was just thinking, oh, you should, you should.

You would look so good in a big new fashy car.

Big fashy car, huh? Maybe.

Yep.

Okay, Miss Jane, I'm 'bout ready to pull over.

You are so impossibly romantic.

Close your eyes.

Hot diggity dog!

Okay, now, keep 'em closed.

How charmingly old-fashioned.

Mm.

Open your eyes and look up.

Ain't she pretty?

Oh, my God!

The chief is going to k*ll me.

We'll be back with the financial news after this message.

Howdy. I'm jethro Bodine.

I'm talkin' to all you ladies out there.

Are you looking for the perfect husband?

Then considerjed Clampett.

Yes, Jed is rated triple A's... for a-ttractive, a-vailable, and a-billionaire.

So come on down to the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills... and see me, jethro Bodine, vice president.

- Dear, what's the matter? And remember.

I'm not onlyJed's wife finder. I'm also his nephew.

I'm ruined.

Oh!

Howdy.

Thank you.

Hathaway, you are embarrassing this institution!

This is a carnival.

What kind of a numbskull would think up a harebrained scheme like this?

That'd be me, Mr. Drysdale.

Y- Your idea. Well...

Well, it's brilliant.!

Insightful. Cutting edge.

You're a born leader, son.

We've have had 1,215 women respond to the ad.

And two men. Wh...

Once I've entered the data into the computer, worked my magic... presto.

We will narrow them down to a precious few. Send in the next five.

Oh, uh, Hathaway, uh, you're not validating parking, are you?

Parking? Um...

Oh, that was my idea too, Mr. Drysdale.

Well, it's a brilliant idea, if I may say so.

Let's see, uh...

1,215 women... and two men.

At a dollar and a half every 15 minutes.

Ah, well, that's only gonna cost me 5...

5-5-5-5... $5,000.

Well...

- Bonjour, Jethro. Well, howdy, Miss Laurette.

What is all of this?

Miss Jane said a big fancy car would be more suitin' to my personality... so I'm fixin' on makin' one out of my truck.

Personally, if it would have been me, I would have just bought a new one.

But... carry on.

What a moron.

Hey, organ, what are you doin' here?

You come here to wrestle me? No.

Or did you just come here to kiss the gym foor?

Come on, Morgan, just kiss it. Come on, kiss it.

Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?

And what business is it of yours, baby?

What are you doing here, anyway, corn pone?

I came by to join the wrestlin' team.

I don't wrestle girls, at least not in the gym... but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Good. Then let's get started. Whoa!

- I'm gonna k*ll you! I'm goin' to k*ll you.!

No one is going to k*ll anyone here!

Not without a signed permission slip from home.

- Got it? Got it, Coach.

So, Jethro... building on your visionary plan for finding your uncle's wife...

I've... I've created this rather modest database program.

I've cross-referenced the applicants... against the parameters you indicated he desired... by specifying the search criteria into functional groupings... and selecting the fiield values... through the use of embedded commands... and, of course, basic Boolean algebra.

Miss Jane, I have no idea what you just said.

Oh, Jethro, you are so delightfully... primitive.

Uh, Miss Hathaway, would you step into my office, please.

- And bring the, uh, the Arlington file. Yes, sir.

- I'm sorry. Mr. Drysdale... since I have trained three Kentucky Derby winners for other people... it seems a logical extension that I'd want to own and operate my own stud farm...

Arlington Acres.

Well, it's just... It's just a very exciting idea.

Then you agree that his net worth and rural background... makeJed Clampett the perfect partner for such a venture.

Absolutely. You and Clampett, partners in a stud farm.

- I think it's a wonderful idea. So you'll call him and arrange for us to meet?

You bet I will.

I'm sure he can't wait to see you. Oh.

In fact, as soon as you leave, I'm going to call Mr. Clampett on the phone.

Ah! This is very exciting. Isn't it?

Yeah.

But, chief, you specifiically told me... that you did not want Mr. Clampett involved in such a risky venture.

Exactly. Shred and burn that.

And don't ever let that lady back in this offiice.

It went fantastically.

Mr. Drysdale said I would be a perfect partner for Mr. Clampett.

Yes. I'll tell you more when I get back. Bye.

Excuse me, ma'am. If Mr. Drysdale thinks you'd be perfect for my UncleJed...

I can take you over to meet him right now.

Wonderful! Come on.

I think you're gonna like Miss Arlington.

Miss Jane picked her out with her computer-datin' base.

Then Mr. Drysdale personally approved her.

Computer-datin' base, huh?

What'll they think of next?

- Hello, Miss Arlington. Mr. Clampett.

Well, gee, uh, I don't know quite how to begin.

Then let me start.

I know, by just looking at you, you are the perfect man for my stud farm.

Stud farm? If it makes it any easier for you...

I am willing to take on multiple partners.

Multiple partners.

Uh, no offense, ma'am... but I'm afraid I'd find that just a tad uncomfortable.

Well, what if it was with somebody you really trusted... like Mr. Drysdale?

I don't think this is the sort of thing...

Mr. Drysdale would want to be involved in.

Oh, well, you should have seen his face... when I showed him the pictures of what I have in mind.

He was very excited. I don't doubt that.

Would you like to see the pictures? They're very detailed.

Not just yet!

Don't you think we're movin' awful fast?

Oh, not as far as I'm concerned, Mr. Clampett.

I've got my license, and I'm ready to breed.

Excuse me, ma'am, uh...

I could use a glass of iced tea.

Yourself? Sure.

I'm learnin' Elly May to ride my motorcycle!

- How do you stop this thing? I'm gonna tan your hide.!

You're doin' real good. Now put on the brakes!

- Granny? Whoa.!

I'm gonna get you!

Granny! Watch your head!

Stop! Oh-oh-oh!

- Dang! I'll help you, Granny.

Come on. Swim over here.

There we go. Give me your hand.

Upsy-daisy. Come on.

There we... Ow.! Granny.!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Granny!

Miss Arlington, you reckon if we got hitched, you could help me tame my daughter, Elly May?

Are you proposing we get married?

Well, I wouldn't feel right about breedin' if we didn't.

Okay, men, that's it. Hit the mineral baths.

- Howdy. Well, well. Look who's here.

- Missed you at practice, babe. She didn't come alone.

Hey, Morgan. What are you doin' here?

- Well, who's all these folks? Just to keep things fair.

Is this some kind of joke? Well, come on, baby.

Let's wrestle.

Come on! Come on. Give it to him.

Oh, wait. That's mine.

It's mine.

Come on, man. You can do it!

Fight in the gym. All right. - Cool.

Wait. Hold on. I'm getting a fax.

Meet me there.

This here's what I call the Clampett clamp.

That's not legal.

Really? Well, try this one.

Hey, come on.

I call it the possum pretzel. That ain't legal either.

Well... Ow!

What about the hickory nut crunch?

That's definitely not legal!

Well, ain't nothin' legal 'round here?

One, two...

One, two...

Yeah! Three.

Young lady!

I think we've found a new team captain.

Sorry, Derek. You're demoted.

Come here, Morgan.

Thanks, y'all.

I truly appreciate y'all a-tossin' me this here fancy birthday party.

Everybody looks just as nice as peach pie.

I just got one question for you...

Who are these people? Well...

Howdy, Miss Jane.

Oh, my goodness, jethro.

I took your advice... made me a big fashy car.

It's very you. Very, very macho.

Thank you. Well, shall we?

Is Pa here yet?

Elly May Clampett, you look plumb elegant.

Thanks, Pa. I feel kind of funny gettin' all gussied up like this... but Miss Laurette says I'll get used to it.

You've done a fine job in turnin' Elly May into a lady.

Thank you, Monsieur Clampett.

She is a diamond in ze rough, just like you.

What's all this?

Sushi, calamari, caviar.

What? Speak American.

Listen, I was wondering if, um... maybe sometime we could go out.

Not on a date or anything, but just maybe to go get some burgers or something.

Take off that silly hat.

Then again, I would, uh... understand if you didn't want to.

Sounds like fun.

So, Jethro, once we find your UncleJed a wife...

Perhaps it'll be your turn to get hitched. Me? No.

I'm gonna be a Hollywood bachelor... date all the hot young starlets.

Well, let me remind you not to overlook the charms of the slightly older woman... who more than makes up with experience what she may lack in other arenas.

Okay, Miss Jane.

No problem.

- Oh, please, let me. Tyler, clam it. It's showtime.

Miss Laurette? Why are you cryin'?

I- I have just spoken with your father.

And he says I would make ze best wife for him.

He did? But as happy as I would make him...

I am afraid that you will think I'm too young and beautiful to be your mother.

Who'd of thought it... Miss Laurette and my pa? Hmm.

Oh, where is he? Oh.

So I can call you whenever I want? You'll hotfoot it right over?

Mm-hmm. Hot dog.

Thank you.

I will miss Elly May so much when you find yourself a wife.

And I will miss you too. I hadn't thought about you not bein' here.

It's sure been a pleasure to have you stay with us.

Thank you.

Jed?

Elly May said ze strangest thing to me tonight.

She said she would love for me to be her mother.

I'm sure she'll get over the disappointment in whomever you choose.

I love Elly May just like a daughter.

Perhaps you should speak with her.

I'll do that.

Well.

This here's a big night for you... all dressed up and ladylike at your first Beverly Hills social.

Your ma would be so proud.

Thanks, Pa. Miss Laurette said she was right proud too.

You like her, don't you?

Well, I like her just fine, and I guess you like her too.

I certainly do.

All I want is for you to be happy, Elly May.

I just want you to be happy, Pa.

Well, I reckon there's no time like right now.

- Happy birthday, jed. Happy birthday.

Oh!

Well, I got a feeling you're worth every dime of it too.

Step up here. Let me take a good look at you.

Boy, you're looking good on your birthday.

I think we need a speech, don't you? Speech.

You know, I have more than any one man deserves... yet there is something I'd like for my birthday.

I'd like to ask the one who helped Elly May become a lady to be my wife.

Miss Laurette Voleur.

Oh, I am so surprised.

This is ze happiest day of my life.

Huh?

All right. Congratulations.

You don't say. I do say!

Well, I'll be. Who's he marrying?

Oh, some foozy with a fancy accent.

She seems sneaky to me. I don't trust her.

Oh, Granny, you don't trust anybody.

Never mind about that.

I'm invitin' you to the weddin' and the cousins.

But just from Jed's side, not includin' the Kelloggs nor the Daggs.

Now, Granny, you're not gonna get into your tonic... and disappear like you did when Jed married your daughter, are ya?

Jethrine, your UncleJed's gettin' married.

I always cry at weddings.

Oh, now, honey.

I do.

Well, you got both kinds of chickens here, Jed.

White and the brown. What you got there, son?

Oh, it's just a standard prenuptial agreement.

Miss Hathaway said for you not to tell anyone that you signed it, not even her.

Well, if Miss Hathaway says so, I don't even have to read this. It must be fine.

They'll be comin' from miles around to get my expert doctorin'... and I won't turn a one away.

I done took me the "hypocritter" oath to help everybody.

Kinda weak.

Probably good enough for city folk.

Tyler.!

Did you get him to sign the papers?

Oh, yeah. He's a very trusting man.

He thinks everyone's honest.

That's a quality I admire in a man I'm taking advantage of.

Hey, uh, you're not sleeping with him, are you?

Tyler, you know once I move in with a man, I stop having sex with him.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

- Keep your mind on business. Now go. Hey, wait.

- How about a little good-bye kiss? All right.

I knowed it! I knowed it!

I done catched you red-handed, you two-timin' hussy!

When I inform jed, the weddin'will be off!

Let's get her.

Uh-oh. Oh.

No! No! No!

Shut up, you old hag.!

We got just the place for you.

Let me down!

I've already input the info into the computer.

Soon as you say "I do"... bing! I press "Enter. "

Boom! The money goes via modem to Switzerland.

Bing, bang, boom. We're rich!

Oh. Look at those legs.

I can't wait to get them wrapped around me.

Get her off of me!

Get those legs off him! She's got crap on her boots!

She doesn't even think we're her grandchildren.

And you say you fear for your lives?

Yes. I'm afraid the poor old dear tried to sh**t us with a shotgun.

Are there any other indications of dementia?

Last week, we caught her trying to eat a raccoon.

Really? She calls us kidnappers.

They are! They are! The old buzzards are!

- Wait, now. Grandma, please.

Ow! She bit me again, honey!

Better check her for rabies.

- Get two orderlies in here stat! Poor old dear.

We can't take the heartbreak a minute longer. We need to admit her someplace... where she can be kept in a straitjacket away from sharp objects and pay phones.

From what you've told me, I'd say that your grandmother... is a perfect candidate for, uh, electroshock therapy.

And nobody... I repeat nobody... is allowed into the Clampett estate without an invitation.

Sans invitation, non.

Miss jane, this fella's all mad at me 'cause I opened up... this box of wedding food... but there ain't nothin' in there but a bunch of snails.

I think the snails got up in there and et all the food.

No problem. Jethro, we'll just buy some more.

And, Henri, the snails go back to the garden where they belong... s'il vous pl�it.

To your posts.

Everything's going fine, but I have one small question.

Granny has not been available for her fitting, and the wedding is tomorrow.

Hmm. Come to think of it, I ain't seen hide nor hair of Granny since yesterday.

And you're not concerned?

No. She done the same thing when I married Elly May's ma.

Came pourin' in about three days later... naked as a jaybird and reeking of her medicine.

Hmm.

Play it, George.!

Whoo!

Miss Hathaway, if the immediate family isn't concerned enough... to file a missing persons report, then there's nothing we can do.

But, Captain Gallo, I suspect foul play.

I'm sorry, but my hands are tied.

But if you're desperate, you might try this guy.

He's expensive, but he's also the best private investigator around.

Oh, this case was pretty easy to cr*ck, Miss Hathaway.

I have met unsavory characters before, but she takes the cake.

Laurette Voleur, a. k. a. Laura Jackson.

A.k. a. Lili Lebecque.

Married 12 times to any guy with a little extra money to throw around.

I should've known.

Voleur. French for "thief. " Now what about Granny?

The old lady is being forcibly held at the Los Viejos Retirement Home... a disreputable establishment, often cited for patient abuse.

Be tough to break her out.

What a calamity, and the wedding is just hours away.

Reverend, do you think Cousin Bill's gonna be too busy to make it to the weddin'?

Hillary, where did I put that invitation?

Flowers, come here. Quick.

They need tent stakes in the backyard right now. Let's go.

Hello. Clampett residence. Mr. Drysdale?

I have an urgent call for Mr. Drysdale. I'll take that.

He works for me.

Woody Tyler. Can I help you? Tyler, what are you doing there?

Um, I just dropped by to see if I could be of help.

Tell Mr. Drysdale to stop the wedding.

Okay. Laurette is a phony who is after Mr. Clampett's money.

Well, that's not good.

Do it, Tyler, or your job is toast. I got it.

She's getting fat, Mom. Where is Hathaway?

She was supposed to check in with me hours ago.

Well, I don't know, dear. Mr. Drysdale.

What do you want, Tyler? Miss Hathaway called.

She said something had come up and to go ahead and start the wedding without her.

Well, what could have come up? I wish I knew.

My, what a lovely dog.

Oh, thank you.

Tyler, make yourself useful. Go count the olives.

Oh, yeah. Right away.

Oh, I hate that little worm.

What could possibly be more important than this to Miss Hathaway?

Look at that. New nurse. Yeah.

Howdy, Mama! My baby! Oh! Why!

My goodness, Beverly Hills has made you so sophisticated.

Doesn't your twin brother look handsome?

- Hi, jethro. Give him a kiss, Jethrine.

Howdy, Jethro.

Oh, excuse me.

I reckon. Yep.

Young man...

I am here to see Daisy Mae Moses.

Ah, then you must be here for the rabies test.

Yes. Rabies test. Exactly right.

Then you want Room 525.

Oh, nurse.

Better be careful. She's a wild one.

We had to give her electroshock therapy.

Thank you.

- Excuse me. No problem.

My God. Oh, Granny.

Your elixir.

I will take you out of here immediately.

Your hair is just a bit disheveled.

Miss Jane? Is that you?

'Tis I. Oh!

Granny says she don't trust Miss Laurette. Oh.

Take off that silly hat.

I heard she's so skinny, you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn.

Look where they're parking the cars. My God, how tacky.

This place is turning into a zoo.

I think she's tryin' to take him for all he's got.

Hmm.

Hi there, handsome.

You mind if I sit in this chair? This chair?

I was kind of saving... Thank you.

Lovely wedding, isn't it?

Go.

Oh. We've got to get back.

I called. I told them to stop the wedding... but that Tyler is so incompetent.

Tyler? Him and Laurette's the ones that stuck me in this hellhole!

So, stabbed in the back by one of our own.

And she ain't no foreigner.

There they are. Stop them.

Jethro, hold up.

Come on. Come on. Oh, there she is.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Oh, she looks beautiful.

Oh, I've got the vapors.

My makeup.

Oh.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in case of an emergency.

"Oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartment.

"Your seat cushion can be used as a floatin'device.

- Thus sayeth the Lord. " Excuse me, Reverend.

But I believe you're readin' the airplane safety instructions.

May we skip this part?

Hathaway had better have a good excuse for not being here.

Quick, Granny, hurry.!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Can I see your invitations, please?

I'll handle this, Granny. Young man, have you any idea with whom you're speaking?

I'd say one crazy lady and another one with a bad wig.

Every strand of this here hair is mine!

Ow! Oh... Oh, Granny, no, no, no!

No, Granny, no! No, Granny, no! We'll find another way.

"We are gathered here to unite these two in holy matrimony. "

Can we hurry things up, please? Yes, ma'am.

Come on. Come on, baby.

"If any one of y'all has one good reason these two shouldn't be hitched... " and it darn tootin' better be a good reason...

"then speak now or forever hold your peace. "

- All right, then. "I now pronounce you... " Please. Please. Please.

"man and... "

What in tarnation is that?

Charge!

Come on, Granny!

It is I, Jane Hathaway.

Hathaway, have you lost your mind?

She's an impostor. She's marrying Mr. Clampett just to steal his money.

That sidewinder Tyler helped her! I'm ruined!

Milburn! Milburn!

Tyler. Let's set up the computer and push the button.

If I can't have their money, nobody should.

Quick!

Okay.

We'll send their billion bucks bouncin'around so many banks...

- they'll never find it. It's all set.

All we got to do is push that button.

You rustic, nose-picking, inbred yokels!

You're all about to be poor again. Think again.

No, you don't, you schemin'skunk.!

Wait'll I get my hands on you!

Oh, Pa, you must be so disappointed.

A little.

But, Elly May, I was mainly marryin' Miss Laurette...

'cause I thought you wanted her for your new ma.

I'm so sorry, Pa. Don't be sorry.

I love you just the way you are.

I reckon I oughta raise you up to be who you want to be.

Well, I don't need a new ma, not as long as I got you and Granny.

Hot dog, Miss Jane! You sure are a good sh*t.

Well, thank you, Jethro.

Whoo! Got ya!

Well, folks, I guess you can say... things didn't turn out quite the way we planned.

So, since there ain't gonna be no hitchin'... and we're all here anyway...

I say we have one hellacious shindig.

Yeah.!

- Let go of me.! Here, boys. She's all yours!

Let go of my hand!

Hey! Nobody treats my pa that way! Shut up!

How's that for ladylike, you old money-grubber?

Come on, city boy, let's dance.

All right, stand back!

You're under arrest for kidnapping... attempted embezzlement and fraud.

Oh, right.! It was all Tyler's idea.

I admit it freely. It was all her idea.

I always fall in love with the wrong kind of man.

- Clean up that cake. Don't step on the train.

I'll wait for you, honey.

Well, where was she? She... Oh.!

Oh, well... Whee doggie!

Whoo.! Yeah.! That's good.

Thank you.

That's just about right. Oops!

It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy.

I just hope my call to the I.R.S. didn't have...

Oh, I shouldn't open it. Sorry. No problem. We'll do it again.

But I got there...

That old lady is, uh...

That old lady is... I'm sorry.

That's okay. She's gettin' pretty old by now, I'll tell ya.

Still rolling.

- Okay. Give me a big smile. I can't get any bigger.

So, uh, what happened?

Actually, he slapped me.

Why don't you come up here? Let me take a good look at you.

Jim. Jim? They're gettin'worried about you.

Not even a bridesmaid. I gotta do this again.

Action.!

We've got... No, we've got to get back.

I called, I told them to postpone the...

I lost my purse. It's right here.

How did you get it? I don't know.

Jethro? Come on down here.

Likely as not, there's another family lives up here... there.