02x10 - Dye Hard

How can he call himself Batman if he's not part bat?

He's just a dude who dresses up like a bat.

That's animal appropriation.

Hey, everybody!

How was Kite Man's bachelor party?

I got married and saved the Oceanic Trade Federation.

Other than that, pretty chill.

How was Ivy's bachelorette bash?

It was great.

It was so great.

Emotionally low stakes, you know.

I had a great time.

Ivy had a great time.

We slept in separate beds...

Normal bachelorette stuff.

So, yeah...

Well, hey!

I'm just, I'm ready to keep the party going!

Who wants to get a drink with me?

One or two?

Or a few drinks?

Or a lot of drinks?

Drink so much we forget the last 48 hours or maybe more?

Oh.

I'd love to but I gotta be with my wife, Tabitha.

Sunday's are big at her family.

They are very religious, seeing as how Jesus was really a shark.

What about you, Clayface?

I, too, am spending this evening with a paramour.

His name is Tony.

And he's the only award show that matters.

Okay, have fun, guys...

A landlord always knows two things: when an oven's busted, 'cause ya can't charge rent without a working oven...

and when a tenant's blue.

So, spill it, hon, or I could get my torture kit?

It's just, everybody's got somebody special in their lives, -except me...

-So what?

You don't need a lover to be happy.

Do the thing that makes you happy.

Life is about feeding your soul!

Yeah, no.

I'm just gonna go out and boink the f*ck out of somebody.

Let's get this party started, bitches!

Harley Quinn's here and she's down to clown!

Do you have a reservation?

-Um, no.

-You'll have to clown at the bar, then.

Room for Squares is, of course, a classic, but it's really John Mayer's third album when he solidified the John Mayer sound.

So, my place or yours?

Actually, I'm just gonna stop talking to you right now.

God.

The guys in this place suck.

Yeah, well, they beat the food.

But what do you expect from a Wayne?

That's the first funny thing a guy's said to me all night.

If you like that, I got plenty more jokes.

You gotta be f*ckin' kiddin' me.

I want a squad of men and a single woman over to the oil refinery district, ASAP.

Those Parademon bastards are chugging down oil like a desperate teen to Benadryl.

Then send another unit, same gender ratio, to Gotham Park.

And a third crew to...

Jesus!

Those hell-rats are spreading faster than chlamyd' on my knob!

-Where, sir?

-My privates!

Where else would an STD spread?

I meant where do you want the third squad, sir?

Oh.

The harbor.

-Commissioner, sir!

This came for you.

-Oh!

Gotta be the new Dave Barry book I ordered.

Every time I read this guy's stuff I'm like...

"That's pretty funny." The Dark Knight needs me.

Oh!

He remembered.

Jim, get in.

No, don't go in, Magnum.

Oh.

It's you.

I thought ya left the crew.

I'm so sorry, I would've called but I never got your phone number.

-Oh, well, mine's 203-- -Don't care.

I'm gonna get my stuff and head out.

So you're really gonna just leave Harley after everything she did for you?

Okay look, I'm in a very zen place, and we have very different goals.

I wanna trounce the skulls of my fallen foes, and she wants to...

I don't know, do whatever someone with a moral compass does.

You ungrateful little sh1t!

You leave the dance with the one you brought!

-Riddle me this-- -Oh, shut the f*ck up!

Can't you see I'm trying to elegantly end this conversation with this mechanical fossil?

Good luck getting out again, f*ck head!

Alright, so I fortified the shackles on that hamster wheel.

It's basically impenetrable.

Feed him at 5:00, shock him at 7:00.

Maybe a snack at 9:00 if he's good.

Have fun dying alone, you f*ckin' freak!

Smell ya later, old man.

Jiminy, you look familiar.

Do I know you?

No!

No, no, I have a very common look.

Oh, I remember you from Noonan's!

You probably don't remember me because I was a low-rent barback, and now I'm an upscale bartender.

It's a meteoric rise virtually unheard of in this industry.

Hey!

Wait, hold on.

Can I offer you a Wayne fashioned?

It's like an old fashioned, but more expensive.

Ya think all ya gotta do is buy me one spirit-forward drink and I'll go gushy for ya?

Uh, not gonna happen.

Whoa, to be clear, I'm not trying to hit on you.

I'm unbelievably happy with my wonderful girlfriend.

Mmm, sweet as pie.

Why couldn't you have just died?

Gosh, I love her.

And our kids.

Well, you know, her kids, but gosh darn it if they don't feel like mine, y'know?

I don't know, and I don't need to know.

All I know is, right now, you're the last person I wanna be around!

-I'm hittin' a different bar.

-Hoo, boy.

Good luck.

Every watering hole around here has been infested with Parademons, except this one on account of the...

...bulletproof glass.

Yep, the top of Wayne tower is the safest bar in town.

Hey, everybody!

Sorry to alarm you, but you're in a hostile hostage situation.

Hi, how are you doing?

Geez, Nicholas.

Not that hostile.

I'm sorry, everyone, it's his first day.

Hey, where are you going?

I've read your best chance of survival is giving up easily.

Yeah, normally, I'd go beat the sh1t out of 'em, but I'm havin' a night and wanna be able to return this dress.

So, you're just gonna escape?

Uh, yeah.

I'm not spending my big night out here, - and certainly not with the likes of you.

- -Oh, sugar.

We got a wild one.

You gotta be kidding me.

Look, bud, all we're asking is that you release the swanky hostages.

Not gonna happen until I get $50 million!

I'll wire it to you right now!

Please!

Hold your horses, I wasn't done.

But let's defiantly sidebar after.

Also, gonna need a W76-2 nuclear warhead on a Trident II D5 missile...

I'm a military contractor.

You can have it.

Just don't shoot!

Wow.

Okay.

Well, you know, while we're here...

I'm also gonna need a pair of game-worn Air Jordan 2 OG's.

Would ya stop starin' at me?

Sorry, it's just...

this is gonna sound crazy, but...

since we're not going anywhere anytime soon...

after the first time we met, I had a dream about you!

-Boy was it wacky.

-Wacky how?

We were on a yacht with these bankers.

And get this: we were a couple!

Right?

Us?

No way!

That bleached skin gives me the heebie-jeebies.

It's gross.

I mean, no offense!

But in the dream, I was so filled with rage, I robbed the bankers.

-You didn't set them on fire, did you?

-Wait.

You had the same dream?

-Freaaaky.

-Yes!

A dream.

Never happened.

Pure fiction.

Not canon.

Ignore it.

It's like meeting you triggered some...

Well, darn it, it felt like a past life!

Funny, huh?

-What are you doing?

-Jesus Christ, I'm getting us the f*ck out of here.

Please don't use the Lord's name in vain.

How much do you weigh?

I did a Paleo November, and now I'm fitting into my skinny cords.

-So, I'm guessing around 170-- -Uh!

Never mind.

This!

Night!

Sucks!

Um, I think you just straight up killed that guy back there.

-Do you wanna talk about it, or-- -No.

Are you sure?

My girlfriend says I'm a good listener.

Sometimes too good.

On what occasion would that be?

Because you have not shut the f*ck up all night!

It just seems to me like you have something going on.

Trust me, you're not someone I can talk to about this.

Why not?

A bartender is basically like a therapist.

So, come on!

-I told my best friend I love her!

-There it is.

But she doesn't trust me enough to love me back.

You can't love without trust.

I thought I was fine bein' alone after my relationship with Jok...

esph...

fina...

stein.

Joksephfinastein?

Sounds Flemish.

No one knew his backstory.

Anyway, he was a total abusive dick, hell-bent on utter destruction and the world's better off without him!

You go, girl!

Having a good vent in a literal vent.

Come on!

Keep on going!

This sucks.

I'm not even doing anything.

That's not true.

You get to hit the button.

But I wanna fly the plane.

Be a part of the action!

At least let me shoot a sweet missile.

Okay.

It takes years of training to expertly control the Batplane.

-But, Batman, I wanna!

-Alfred, this is ridiculous.

Why don't you let me go out there already?

Your city needs you healed, Master Bruce.

I won't allow you to return to action prematurely, again.

Besides, it's only Parademons.

It's too hot.

-You could wait, Master Wayne.

-Yes, Alfred...

I could.

Huh?

Batman!

Are you seeing this?

Gunfire at Wayne Tower.

Come on, big guy!

Give papa some action.

Fine.

Don't scratch the paint.

Booya!

I just feel so alone without Ivy!

I mean, sure, there are some things I could've done differently.

Okay!

At the end of the day, she broke up with me 'cause I'm too impulsive and I go around 'causing messes and never clean 'em up.

-Aw!

Doesn't it feel good just to say it out loud?

-No!

-Harley?

Well, well, well...

-Riddler?

...if it isn't the simple clown herself.

-How did you-- -Get here?

Well, I escaped the mall.

Then, I orchestrated a hostage situation upstairs as a distraction, so I could sneak in here to grab this baby.

-Classic misdirect.

-Yeah, yeah, great.

But, I was gonna say, -how did ya get so buff?

-Hmm?

Oh.

Spending every waking moment running on that hamster wheel gets you shredded.

I mean, check out these quads...

wait, wait, wait.

Is that Joker?

Oh, my, you think I look like the Joker?

Nope, no!

He's just a bartender who gives great, non-judgmental advice.

Well, either way, you're both gonna die.

Sure, I moved back to Gotham to see 'em, -but what if my kids don't want to see me?

-Don't say that, Carl.

Yeah, but it's been seven long years.

I left 'em when they needed me most.

You can't keep blaming yourself for the past.

You need to forget.

Maybe they're better off without me.

Tuck in any fingers you wanna keep!

-Oh.

What'd that do?

-I don't know.

Oh, no.

Carl, I'm so sorry...

It's a cancer ray.

Harley Quinn, you gave me cancer?

Why would they even make this?

Well, that's it, Kev.

I'm gonna go spend the holidays with my kids.

I'm so sorry!

No, no, please.

Please, please...

Ow!

No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

Ow!

My blood sugar must be crashing.

Is there a vending machine around here?

Did you kill another person?

Let's just chopper out of here.

All that gratuitous violence.

Yuck.

This is why I don't like TV today.

Violence ups the dramatic effect.

I got enough drama in my life.

Just once, I'd like to watch something where two people fall in love, and experience no complications whatsoever.

Oh, and they don't have s*x till they're married.

Oh, my gosh, Batman?

Harley Quinn!

And...

It's the Joker.

I did it!

I took down Batman's archenemy!

On my own.

Papa for the win!

Gordo?

Good to see ya, buddy!

What's happening?

Don't leave me in here!

- Please, I don't like small spaces!

I knew it was only a matter of time until you two psychos started knocking boots again.

What?

No.

Uh!

See, he's...

Never mind, I'll explain later.

Harley!

We came as soon as we got your text.

Indeed!

I paused the Tonys and I'm DVRing it, so no one tell me who won Best Lighting in a Musical.

It was Howell Binkley, wasn't it?

When's Japhy Weideman going to get his day in the f*cking sun!


-I didn't text anyone.

-Then who did?

Swole!

Did ya just run up 18 flights?

Uh, try 19 and a half.

How did you escape Psycho's fortified jail?

And get so hot without us knowing?

Here ya go, pal.

You know what, I lied.

I did have your phone number.

I actually had everyone's phone number!

And I was the one who texted you all!

How dare you?

Yep!

And get this...

we actually like each other.

A lot.

You were working for Riddler all along.

-Um, actually...

-He's with me.

You're dating Riddler?

Quel scandale!

Okay, we're not f*cking!

-We're together!

-I see.

Not using labels yet, are we?

Too new, is it?

Lot of changes, Psycho.

Dating, hooking up, "baring ass." Call it what you will, I'm proud of you for finally being who you are.

We're in a business partnership based on mutual respect, idiot.

And you know what, he doesn't belittle me like you did, Quinn.

How did I belittle you?

You never recognized my talent!

You never let me shine!

And also, you hated working for a woman.

Okay, also I hated working for a woman!

But who cares?

So, you and Ninja Turtle Calves are gonna fight us?

Oh, please.

You're a tiny man in a silly tinfoil hat.

All right, here we go!

Maybe your gal-pal Ivy can help!

You wanna call her, maybe?

No, I don't wanna get her wrapped up in this 'cause this...

This is a very strong example of one of those messes I make I was tellin' you about.

This "tinfoil hat" amplifies brainwaves, supercharging my mind powers.

And with this bad boy, plus my new hobby of guided meditation, I can control every Parademon in the city.

Oh, I see.

He's doin' my old plan of takin' over Gotham to team up with Darkseid and rule the Earth.

Then I'm gonna take over Gotham - and team up with Dark-- - She just said that.

sh1t!

f*ck.

The point is, I'm gonna do what you never could, because you are a pussy.

Pussies are powerful.

They birthed all of humanity!

I was a C-Section.

Bring it on!

I'm hungry for Parademons!

Stage combat!

Get me outta here!

Not...

This one!

This one...

Wow.

It's like straight steel.

What's black, blue, and red all over?

Your ass when I beat it!

I guess when the abs get harder, the riddles get dumber.

Bring it, bitch.

I've got this, boys.

And it's all you.

Give up, Psycho, and maybe I'll let you live as one of those orphans that builds Wayneboxes.

Uh...

I'm gonna pass!

You thought this would be a fair fight?

You're going down!

Why didn't it work on the old timer?

Same reason I can't go to the airport: metal plates, baby!

God, you're old.

Whatever.

I'll kill you too.

Why don't you just brainwash me and end this?

Oh, but where's the pizazz in that?

It's way more fun to torture you with everything you love.

This right here is exactly why you're a terrible supervillain.

You know what, for too long I've been looked at as a joke, but when I'm through, people are gonna respect the name Dr.

Psycho!

With Batman and the Justice League gone, Gotham was yours for the taking, Harley.

But you couldn't do it.

You know, I should thank you, Harley.

If you never made me feel so small, I never would've known how big I could be.

Quinn, God I hate you, but I need your help.

If we can break through the dome we can escape in the Batplane.

Can't you just use a bat-missile?

Yeah.

We could, but sometimes I just don't feel like it.

Or I don't wanna.

All right, I'm not allowed to use them.

-I'll do it.

I'll break through the dome.

-What?

Sy, that's suicide!

Harley, dear, I'll admit, when you left the mall earlier tonight, I did not expect to be in this position.

-But it's a gift!

-Sy, you're...

You're standing.

This is me feeding my soul, baby.

Nothing would make me fuller than saving your tuchis and helping you take down that angry little shvants in a tux.

I never liked that one.

He's gonna kill all of us if you don't stop talking.

Oh.

You were the best landlord I've ever had.

You always fixed our oven so fast, and you never judged me no matter how many times I flushed my tampons down the toilet.

As long as you've got this, you've always got a friend.

Hey, Psycho!

Thousands of years ago, my people, the Maccabees, prayed for oil to last when they needed it most.

Unlucky for you, that very same oil runs through my veins today!

Yes!

I mean darn.

Ah, those Parademons took out the communications system.

No more autopilot!

Buckle up, Quinn.

Papa's about to earn himself some wings.

I regret lots of things!

f*ck!

Okay, that was the plane's fault.

We need to take Psycho down, now.

Who knows how much damage he can do with that helmet?

Yeah, but how?

It'd take, like, the entire Justice League to stop him.

I had a dream about them, too.

This is gonna sound crazy but they were stuck in a book.

-What did ya just say?

-Yeah.

It was this Book of Fables?

Yeah!

Queen of Fables.

How did you know that?

Was in one of my dreams.

I held a book with the entire Justice League in it.

But, you know, then I woke up and I don't remember the rest.

Weird!

Gordon, I need you to drop us off somewhere.

There's a lot of powerful memories here.

Is this your hideout?

It's not very cozy.

Let me call Beth.

She has family in Central City.

We could stay there till this whole mess blows over.

Just me, Beth, the kids, and my new pal Harley Quinn.

Nah, no, no, Ivy was right.

I keep makin' messes.

I brought in the Parademons.

I took in Psycho.

I caused all of this.

I can't keep runnin' from my messes.

And the way I see it, cleanup starts with gettin' the Justice League out of that storybook.

The storybook is real?

Where is it?

I don't know, but I think you do.

Are you sure you can't just remember?

It's like I see the book, but...

everything else is cloudy.

That's disappointing because I really, really, really, don't wanna have to do this.

Do what?

I'll be seein' ya soon, Mistah J.