02x13 - The Runaway Bridesmaid

Tawny Young reporting live from Gotham City Hall as the mayor, in a rare public appearance, has come out to honor the heroes who fought so bravely in the Battle of Gotham.

I present you each with a key to the city.

There you go, Superman and, of course, Wonder Woman and Batman.

Check out that grip.

There you go, space cabbie.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Who the f*ck are these guys?

Commissioner Gordon, what do you think of this beautiful ceremony?

I'm just so honored to be getting a key to the city seeing as I was here the whole time protecting lives.

The Mayor's probably saving the best for last like I did with the Mission Impossible movies.

I watched one first

- but then I went to four...
- Mmm-hmm. Let's listen.

There's one last person I need to thank today.

If it weren't for him, our city would still be riddled with supervillains.

This mustachioed servant of the people may not have powers but, man, he sure is super.

That's right, citizens.

I hereby honor myself.

- [PUBLIC CHEERING]
- What? What about me?

We helped this city together.

Not him.

Seriously, I think I've seen this guy like one other time, like, ever.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Dr. Psycho, check.

Riddler, check. Welcome back, by the way.

Harley Quinn!

[SCOFFS] Don't tell me...

You're not supposed to be here.

Is anyone supposed to be anywhere?

Oh, you wanna talk about it?

Maybe over a fruit cup.

Nah... [SIGHS]

I wanna be alone with my thoughts.

Don't worry about me. I'll break out when I'm done.

I'm just going through a personal crisis.

Actually, I'll take that fruit cup though.

Well, fruit cup in exchange for conversation.

Sort of linchpin of this whole social contract.

- So... I'm gonna go.
- [SIGHS]

Look, thank you for giving me a chance to talk to you.

- [SIGHS]
- Why did you do it?

[STUTTERS] I don't know. I f*cked up.

I wish I had a better answer.

I love you.

That Harley stuff was a stupid fling and a mistake.

And I promise it will never happen again.

If you don't want to marry me, just say it so I can go to a bar, and get loaded and get into an argument with somebody about what the most metal album of all time is.

And then start crying for no reason and puke on myself

Oh, Kite Man, I do. I do want to marry you.

And if you, you know, were a metal album, you'd be Appetite for Destruction.

- You know...
- What? What...

GNR is not even metal.

What are we even talking about?

- Is this...
- Chuck, I hate that I hurt you.

You know, you deserve everything.

And I know this doesn't fix anything.

But could you pull over here?

Ta-da! It's the old Gotham corn factory.

What is this? Is this just a tour of my failures?

It's your dream wedding venue.

If you still, you know, wanna get married to this old gal.

What about Condiment King?

Didn't that dick face already call dibs on this monument to rustic perfection?

So about that...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Come to ask for an invite to our wedding, Ivy? [GUFFAWS]

Change of plans, sauce fucker.

It's Condiment King!

So, you know, he just, sort of, decided to just give it to me and he is still obviously very much alive.

But he's, sort of, like out of town indefinitely, and no one knows if he'll ever come back, but, you know, probably not.

Ivy, Kite Man, we're so happy to have you at the old corn factory.

We know your wedding will be perfect.

Wait. You risked your life against one of the most formidable villains

Gotham has ever seen just to give me my dream venue?

I think that's maybe like an overstatement of Condiment King. But essentially, yes.

That's what I did because I love you.

So... [SIGHS] What do you say?

You wanna get married or what?

Wow. This is a lot to think about.

You, probably, can't tell right now, but I am tots overwhelmed.

Look, just take your time.

You know, just know that it's waiting for you if you want it.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Why are you so calm, Gordo?

Aren't you excited to see me going back to Arkham?

I'm a complex man with many emotions. that must be sifted through.

The Mayor didn't give you the key to the city

- and now you're sad.
- I don't have a key, goddammit!

I mean, no, that's not it at all.

That was a dumb guess.

Dummy!

Let me give you a little piece of advice.

You don't wanna be the one who gets the key to the city, you wanna be the one who gives it.

Yeah, Gordo.

You should run for mayor.

I got into public service to shoot bad guys while allowing for the occasional accidental shooting of an innocent, because no one's perfect!

I don't even like politics.

Well, I love 'em.

Come on, let's overthrow Mayor What's-his-name?

I can run your whole campaign from behind bars like a real campaign manager.

No!

But let's just say for argument's sake I want the job.

Being the police commissioner of the most dangerous city in America,

I got low favorables.

You also seem like a hair-trigger reactionary kind of guy who runs his mouth off when he's backed into a corner.

That's bullshit.

Say that to my f*cking face!

Ah-ha! See, you're a cop, but you're not a hero.

Unless, you do something heroic that gets your name in the papers.

Cuffing your occasional costumed psycho isn't splashy.

But guess what?

A little bird told me that Ivy and Kite Man are getting married on Saturday.

And I've got their guest list.

[LAUGHING]

All these criminals will be in attendance

- with their guard down.
- Wait a minute.

I just have an idea.

I bust that wedding and I become a hero as big as Batman.

Now you're getting it, Mr. Mayor.

Hey, there, sweetheart. Why so gloom?

What are you guys doing here?

- Really?
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

So did you get the paperless post reminder?

Ivy's wedding is on.

And the bride still wants you to come.

[SIGHS] I'm not going.

I'll just be a distraction and like Ivy said, I always f*ck everything up.

It's your goddamn best friend's wedding!

Yeah and for once,

I wanna make the right choice. Restraint.

Everyone wants you there.

And you wouldn't want to miss my performance of an aria.

I'll be singing at the reception.

Did we mention there's going to be vanilla cake?

- I'm not going.
- I'll save you a seat.

So you're bailing on your best friend's wedding?

Why is everyone so chatty?

This place used to be great for silent brooding.

If you're really worried about someone dragging Ivy's wedding to hell in a handbasket,

I got bad news.

- What is it?
- Help break me out and I'll tell you.

- I ain't buying it.
- All right.

That's fine.

Screw over your best friend twice, I guess.

- [SIRENS WAILING]
- [ALARM BUZZING]

- [GRUNTING, YELLING]
- Gordon's planning to arrest all the villains at the wedding. He told me himself.

- The cojones on that guy.
- [GRUNTING]

How the f*ck's he going to pull that off?

Oh, he probably won't.

But he's gonna try.

And I mean, these weddings...

- Oh!
- [GRUNTS]

... they're so meticulously planned.

Anytime you throw a wrench in it, it's like a ripple of... [GRUNTS]

Well, if I can't f*ck up Ivy's wedding.

- No one can!
- Okay.

I hear bells ringing.

Listen up. I didn't just bring you in here to enjoy these vegan donuts.

[RETCHING]

[CHERYL] Vegan?

We have a special mission today.

Oh, come on, boss. It's Saturday.

I've got my half-sister's baby shower.

We're going to Poison Ivy and Kite Man's wedding.

Ivy's going through with it, huh?

You mean Kite Man's going through with it?

After all that woman's done to him.

Look, we don't know the emotional underpinnings of that relationship but by God we will when we arrest those two lovebirds along with every major supervillain in the city who didn't have prior weekend plans.

Sounds like Batman's problem.

Well, I am off to my half-sister's baby shower.

[GORDON] Not so fast, Cheryl.

Aren't you tired of the supers getting all the credit?

Here. Here's the guest list.

- Take one. Pass 'em along.
- [MUMBLES]

These are the most powerful supervillains in Gotham.

Exactly. It's pretty badass.

Pretty damn key worthy.

But, sir, these people have a myriad of superpowers.

And what do we have?

A damn good plan.

_

Oh, Father, I gotta sin I've gotta confess.

Ah, this isn't really a good time, son.

Yeah, uh, I must confess.

All righty then, what is it, my son?

I punched out a priest.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

Look at you! Looking all elegant and sh1t.

You come alone?

[LAUGHS]

My name is... [GRUNTS]

Can I get an amen?

Amen, sir.

Oh! Oh, now this is majestic.

It is very Pinterest.

Kite Man is a basic bitch through and through.

Oh, he's drinking out of a mason jar.

I am so nervous.

Relax. Weddings are a joyful occasion.

You know, unless you're one of the bridesmaids.

The gifts are okay, I guess.

I'm not nervous about the wedding.

I'm nervous about performing at the reception.

This particular piece is a musical minefield.

The tricky rhythms, dramatic shifts in pitch.

One needs the lung capacity of an Adam Lambert.

Aren't you cute?

Look, I'm sure Ivy will love the song.

I don't care if she loves it.

I only care if he does.

Catwoman's date?

How dare you? That's not just Catwoman's date.

That's cinema auteur, Tim Burton.

If I deliver a siren song for the ages, it could be my big break.

So you weren't singing this song out of love?

- I was, out of love for acting.
- Mmm-hmm. [GASPS]

Oh, my gosh! She's here.

Hey, hi, howdy, hello, everybody continue talking amongst yourselves.

Everything's cool.

Harley! I'm so glad you decided to come.

- Love wins again.
- Yeah, yeah.

Long live Poison Kitey.

[CHUCKLES] Well done.
That's one less thing you'll regret your entire life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

So are there other rooms here or what?

They have us corralled in here for cocktail hour.

Right under this godforsaken AC

- which is doing nothing...
- Gordon.

... my vocal chords!

I'm gonna go find the bathroom.

[CLAYFACE SCATTING]

There you are, Gordon.

- There you are.
- Ah! Don't touch me.

[LAUGHS] Let's get you with the other bridesmaids, okay?

It's almost showtime.

So how's everyone been?

What the crap, Harley?

I'm here. Ready to maid.

You weren't at the rehearsal.

How are you gonna know how to walk?

Uh, right foot, left foot. Repeat.

You bailed on Ivy.

What do you care? Are you even a bridesmaid?

I still have all the responsibilities of a bridesmaid.

Just not the fashion ones.

You think I'd be caught dead in that rag.

Okay. Well, then can I wear yours?

[CHUCKLES]

Which ten pounds do you plan on leaving behind?

Ladies, I'm just here to support Ivy.

That is the only reason I'm here.

Please give me the chance to make it up to her.

And you. Cobb squad forever.

[GRUNTS] Damn!

I thought she was just being a beep. This really is too tight.

- [GRUNTING]
- Hold still, goddamn it!

- BRB!
- Hey, I'm not done!

You said you'd braid my hair! f*ck!

Where are you, you rat b*st*rd?

What did you just call me?

- Harley?
- Oh, hey, Mr. Groom.

I just wanted to say mazel tov and I wish you many happinesses.

I am having so many emotions right now.

None of them I would categorize as happy.

[STUTTERS] Hey, where's Frank?
He said if this happened, he'd have a pocket full of zannies for me.

There you are, my runaway bridesmaid.

I'm supposed to keep you two apart.

Yikes!

Hey, Jen, hair looks great.

No thanks to you.

Yass, queens. Okay, attitude.

Give me attitude. Great. Love it.

Got you, Gordo!

Ah, f*ck my ass.

No one ruins my best friend's wedding but me!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Mr. Covington, Help, the venue rep.

He's bleeding. [WHIMPERS]

Hey, where do I stand for the...

- Tad! [GASPS]
- Ivy!

Wow. You look stunning.

- Harley!
- [YELPS]

Hey, Tawny, it's the Commish...

... ioner.

- [TAWNY] Commissioner?
- Gordon.

Yes. Listen, I've got the scoop of the year for you.

Bring your cameras down to the old Gotham corn factory because there's gonna be something real heroic going down.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

You're ruining my wedding.

I'm trying to do the opposite of that.

I keep finding people that you've punched out and then you made the photographer faint.

- But...
- Look, I just need this day to go smoothly for Kite Man.

I mean, he's a mess.

I mean, he didn't even want you here.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

It's just... Look, this is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, you know?

I mean, that is if you ascribe to those patriarchal norms about a woman's value fading after she gets chosen by a man.

Which we don't, right?

Regardless, it's supposed to be, overall, a really good vibes day and it's barely hanging on by a thread.

I mean, I feel like I'm just sick of managing everyone's feelings.

I have my own.

I'm nervous and I'm scared about the future, too.

But... I don't get a time to just like reflect about that, you know, before I walk down the goddamn aisle forever.

No, because someone's going around cold-cocking


- all my goddamn vendors. sh1t.
- But...

- But Ivy...
- Harley!

Your friendship means the world to me but, maybe, I'm kidding myself that I can have my cake and eat it too.

You know, you can't stop being you and... [SIGHS] That f*cks up what I have with Kite Man.

It just does.

Gordon is here to bust half your guest list.

I'm trying to save your wedding.

- Listen how crazy you sound.
- I'm not.

- Two-Face told me.
- Okay.

A literal two-faced person told you that.

Harls, you may not even know this but you're looking for any reason to disrupt my life with Kite Man.

And I just... I cannot have it.

So what are you saying?

I mean, I'm saying... [SIGHS]

I'm saying I don't want you to be here.

[SOBS]

[CLAYFACE SINGING]

Harley, are you leaving?

Yeah, I got duped by Two-Face.

He told me Gordon was gonna be here but he's not.

And I just look stupid and desperate in front of everyone as usual.

Nonsense! We're at a wedding.

The only person people are paying attention to is the bride... [CHUCKLES]

And hopefully, me!

[SCATTING]

[SIGHS] Maybe I don't fit in Ivy's new life.

[CLAYFACE] Ugh, I need water.

[SNIFFS]

Plastic?

Ivy, from the first moment I saw you,

I knew I could never do better.

And even though you rejected me over and over again and over again, for good measure, I was determined to share a life with you.

You know, some might call it stalking...

Ivy, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you in our modest, ranch-style, suburban home.

Grilling meatless proteins, of course, and spending weekends shuttling our four kids between soccer, ballet, karate and capoeira, which is this sick combination of ballet and karate.

Spending Sunday dinners at my parents' house, as soon as they allow us back into their lives, of course.

Um, and just a lot of chilling on the couch, binging some premium streaming content and looking at our phones. No-judgment style.

Ivy, you are the wind beneath my kite.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Saving my best friend.

Well, that was... a very specific picture that you painted of our future that I had not...

[CLEARS THROAT] I had not totally considered.

[SIGHS]

Oh, right, I'm up. Sorry.

Um, hello, uh, let me just check my notes... Right.

[INHALES]

[COUGHS]

Charles Kite Man Brown, I...

I knew you were bullshit.

It's not what you think. Just let me through.

f*ck you, homewrecker.

Time to put my Cardio Barre membership to the test.

f*ck, Jennifer.

I am goddammit!

This might be the last wedding I get to be a bridesmaid in.

[SHOUTS]

Why is a caterer at the ceremony?

- [HARLEY SHOUTS]
- [GRUNTS]

[IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT] Okay, great.

You did your part. Do you both agree now?

- Hell yeah.
- I do.

I now pronounce you...

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Under arrest!

Do it, men and Cheryl,

[GRUNTS]

Too much glue.

Why? [CRYING]

The flowers.

I'll get us out, I'll get us out.

[GROANS]

This is... sh1t! Plastic?

Why?

Gas masks!

[MUMBLING]

[TAWNY] Merv, Merv, are you getting this? 'Cause I can't see anything.

Darling, I think it's time to leave.

Don't leave, Mr. Burton!

We haven't rapped yet.

This is for you, Timothy Burton!

[SINGING]

No! Why! No...

[THUDS]

[CHUCKLES]

Maid of honor coming through!

[GRUNTS]

[SHOUTS]

Ah! I f*cking love science.

Tawny Young reporting live from the scene of Ivy and Kite Man's wedding in which Police Commissioner Gordon,

- heroically...
- Retreat!

Get outside! Quick!

Pissed off some very powerful supervillains and accomplished absolutely nothing.

All right, Merv, let's pack it up.

[EXPLODES]

[SINGING AN ARIA]

Gary, let's get out of here.

That guy is creeping me out.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

Harley, I'm really glad you didn't leave when I told you to.

I thought maybe I could do something right for once.

Oh! I just want you guys to be happy.

Well, it's too late.

Once again, everything is ruined.

It doesn't have to be.

Hey, I'm an ordained minister.

I got a license... Ah... online.

And I made it into a lanyard.

Pretty legit, huh? So what do you think, huh?

- Can I marry you?
- Wow! [CHUCKLES]

Harley with a backup plan.

Oh, good for you, Reverend.

f*ck you!

Listen, Kite Man, I know we aren't in the corn factory but we are on the property.

So technically, you can tell Us Weekly or whatever that you got married there.

We can Photoshop some pics later. It'll be great.

- [SCREAMS]
- Okay. Let's do this.

- Hell no.
- What?

I should have known the third time I proposed.

Every step in our relationship

I've had to do over and over and over.

[STUTTERS] And I'm not.

After all of this, I'm not redoing my wedding.

Don't you... Don't you wanna marry me?

Of course, I do. But you don't.

I saw your face during the vows and I knew your heart wasn't in it.

I may be simple but I'm not a fool.

It is hard to finally admit it.

But since you refuse to, I will.

I'm not the person for you.

No. Oh, sh1t!

Like you said, Ivy, I deserve the best.

[CLAYFACE CONTINUES SINGING]

There they are!

sh1t! We gotta get out of here.

[SINGING INTENSIFIES]

[GRUNTS]

Where's the exit?

[POISON IVY] Oh, for the sh1t of sh1t.

This is why I didn't want to get married here.

The parking lot is a damn maze.

- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- [SIRENS WAILING]

[FRANK] It's pollen season in here, bitch!

It's pollen season!

I'm really sorry, Ivy.

Kite Man will come around. He always does.

Yeah, but you know what? I won't. I mean, he's right.

I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time.

I guess... I guess, it seemed easier for me to just go along with it, you know?

But now I realize I hurt a lot of people

- delaying the inevitable.
- Well, people change.

Yeah, yeah, people do change.

I mean, look at you.
What you did for me today.

You... [SIGHS] You showed me the Harls

I always wanted to see, you know.

You don't think I'm chaotic and crazy,

- make a bunch of messes?
- No, you definitely do that.

But you're trying to grow and actually doing it.

And that, I mean, for me, that's what matters.

[SIGHS] I love you, Ive.

I love you, too, Harls.

Oh... Oh, sh1t!

Okay, eyes on the road!

I love you, but Jesus!

[SIRENS WAILING]

_

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]