03x04 - A Thief, A Mole, An Orgy

[bunniefuu]

[CAR HONKING]

- Hey, the guys and I were thinking...
- [SIGHS]

...of heading to Mama Macaroni's

Whoo! Those garlic knots slap!

Don't get me wrong.
I love me some Mama Mac's.

That pomodoro turns me into a pomowhoro,

but one day of pure focus

and we're going to be ready
to terraform Gotham

into paradise.

Uh, so Frank "rising from the ashes reborn"

wasn't the key? He's floating.

Oh, I'm all-powerful.

Check this sh*t out.

Hmm, ahh.

- Take that, take all of that!
- [HARLEY] Wow!

Very cool, Frank. But in this current state,

he can only pollinate this area.

Please, I can easily get down
with all of Gotham's flora.

No d*ck mist needed! You feel me?

Hey, Frank, you're asexual,
so you'd be f*cking yourself.

Well, I know I can do that!

Any-hiddly-diddly,

I just need to increase Frank's
seed production tenfold.

And I'm so close. So if you could just...

He did it! By God, he did it!

Hey, Sy! Sy!

Aye, all this yelling reminds me

of Kim Jon Il's real funeral back in ' .

I downloaded Sy into Cat woman's Smart home.

He can access the entire Internet.

Ask him anything.

Who makes the best burger?

Who won best actor for the Olivier's?

The horse, Sea biscuit, and a gay man.

- Amazing.
- He's good.

Ive, ask him something.

Those are also the things
that I wanted to know.

So if you guys could just...

There's other rooms in
this house, I'm just trying a...

[TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND SIGHS]

It's okay, Frank. I'm fine. I don't need...

Okay, don't stop. That actually
feels really good.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

- [PIERCING NOISE]
- Ahh!

[METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

- Oh, my God.
- [METAL MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDER]

- Harley!
- [LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES]

What the hell is this?

Uh, just the first practice
of Gotham's soon to be

greatest Progressive Alien Death core Band.

We are called The Blackened
Pains of Zeerathan!

Death of Harroc can suck both my dicks.

Oh, they're currently
the best PAD band in Gotham.

Don't need the acronym
explained or repeated to me,

but it is like a touch loud.

Do you want us to turn it down?

I mean, if it doesn't ruin
the vibe or whatever.

- You know.
- [HARLEY] There we go.

Hey, Ive, you're going
to kick science's ass!

Yes. Rock on.

[DISTORTED MUSIC AND DRUMS PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Hmm.

- [IVY SIGHS]
- Oh, I'm seeing something.

Wait, I'm saying it's just
you being a little bitch

and not telling Harley
she's being freaking annoying.

Frank, I like to employ a tactic

called judicious transparency
in my relationships.

Yeah, yeah, I heard of that.

It's called being a little bitch.

Hey, a big part of being in a relationship

is not always telling the exact truth.

And that way you can get what you need

without hurting anyone's feelings.

Also, I just blew up our last place,

so I don't really feel like
being the bad guy right now.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

- Oh, my God.
- Well,

you better do something

or you're going to blow this place up, too.

[SIGHS] Ugh.

♪ Ivy is so smart ♪

♪ But she's no science wussy ♪

♪ And in celebration ♪

♪ I'm gonna eat her puss... ♪

Oh, hey, babe.

Yeah! Whoo!

Obviously, and it goes without saying,

I think it's amazing
that you started a band.

The thing is, um...

[CAT MEOWS]

Cat woman just texted me

and she said that the instruments she stole

when visiting the legendary
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

induction ceremony in ,
are off-limits. Dang it!

Ah! . A great year for me

and my fellow Cosimo Mat ass a Stanleys.

Ugh! Cat woman is such a buzzkill.

Oh, I know! It's like the buzzkilliest.

If it was up to me, I would so let you guys

just shred... ass.

But, you know, she's letting us stay here,

so we just have to accept it.

- Ugh.
- Ugh, stupid rules.

Yeah, uh. [SIGHS]

Um, since we can't play anymore,

could someone get me down?

[ANNOUNCER] This election,
stick with the mayor

because he's sticking it out for us.

We're getting crushed in the polls!

How is that possible?

Guy can't even piss on his own.

How's he supposed to run the city?

Eh, he's playing the coma card.

Well, our internals show % of voters

think it's "mean"

you're running against someone in a coma.

Ah! But the other are with us?

No. said they wish
"you were the one in the coma."

Feels like an unnecessary detail.

And another said,

"I don't get carpool karaoke,

they just sing along to songs in a car."

Clearly they thought we were
asking about James Corden.

But regardless, it's not looking good.

All I've done for this city
and this is what I get?

Maybe change things up.

Be more Jim and less Commissioner

Bingo. I need to just get out.

Chat with the youths.

Barbara, you're a cool,
hip, popular young woman.

Gather up , of your closest
friends for me to talk to.

Dad, I don't really have any...

That many friends.

Yeah. I could have guessed that.

Damn it! Ow, my pinkie.

Political campaigns are won with money.

Uh, what about great policy and hope?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

No, we need money,
from the filthiest, richest

pieces of sh*t the world has to offer.

Carmine Falcone, Ra's al Ghul,

or if we're really lucky,

Henry Kissinger!

That monster isn't dead yet?

God really doesn't exist.

Dad, if you take their money,
you'll be beholden to them.

Run on what you believe in.

Justice! Honor!

The rule of law.

You, Jim Gordon, are enough.

Aww. You really are my north star.

Okay, so where are these rich assholes?

[LENS CLICKING]

[IVY HUMMING]

[HARLEY HUMMING]

[SIGHS] Harley, what are you doing?

Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just gonna use Cat woman's

fancy Japanese toilet.

Have you read it? I haven't
gotten past the cover.

Is it "I Q Eight Four"?

[TOILET] Konnichiwa, Harley Quinn.

- [MECHANICAL SOUNDS]
- Level.

- Level.
- Ah.

- [LAUGHS]
- [TOILET] I'll do that for you.

[SHRIEKS]

Are you ready to flush?

[HARLEY SCREAMS]

- [UNDER BREATH] Oh, my God.
- [TOILET] Victory! S-level.

That was spiritual.

Everyone's gotta try this.

- Hey, guys...
- Oh, no.

Another text from Cat woman,

says no one is allowed to use
her special toilet. Ever!

Wait, how did she even know?

Uh, so she has, like,

surveillance cameras like, everywhere.

I'm so bummed.

I want nothing more than for all of you

to just go to the bathroom right near me.

Ahh, stupid Cat woman!

What is the point of a fancy Japanese toilet

if you don't show it off? Argh.

Oh, that's some weak ass sh*t.

[INHALES AND SIGHS]

[GROANS] That feline freak.

Watching my every move.

Your free cam show ends right now!

Argh!

[STATIC SOUND]

[GROANS]

[PANTS HEAVILY]

[LAUGHS]

- [PLAYS PIANO KEY]
- [CAT MEOWS]

I did it! Whoo!

You diddled an electrical socket?

What? No! I finished the serum.

- Huzzah!
- All right.

- Feels good.
- Kudos!

- Pollination!
- Feels good.

Oh, I'm so proud of you,
my sexy little scientist.

But seriously, what is with the hair?

Turns out I made the serum less explodie,

but not not explodie.

So, Frank's currently in a fugue state,

producing enough pollen
to cover all of Gotham.

And since we have a couple
of hours before he's ready,

I thought that we would go
for a celebratory dinner

at Mama Macaroni's!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Mama Macaroni's?

[ALL] Mama Macaroni's!

[SINGING] ♪ Coming into
my mouth ♪ -♪ Her mouth ♪

♪ Mama Macaroni's ♪

- ♪ Get in the town ♪
- ♪ So good. ♪

- Okay.
- Ah, yes.

Tomorrow we terraform all of Gotham,

except for Mama Macaroni's.

- Ah, yes.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna bring Frank his garlic knots.

Frank?

Frank!

Hmm.

- [SNORING]
- Sy! Wake up, Sy!

- [MUMBLING]
- Did you see anything?

I'm plugged in to the World Wide Web.

What haven't I seen. Biggest revelation.

A lot of stepmothers
are shtupping their stepson.

No, you horny smoke alarm.

Someone stole Frank. Did you see anything?

I did not but I will
check the security cameras.

I never should have left.

I never should've fricking left.

Oh, Ive,

we are going to find
the assh*le who did this, okay?

I promise.

- [BEEPS]
- [SY] Is there a villain

who looks like a static screen?

I don't think so.

Damn. Well, then the cameras are broken.

What?

So, whoever broke in knew

exactly where all the cameras were.

Wow, that is some devious sh*t.

I think we're dealing with a genius.

They may be smart when breaking in,

but they're not smart when
it comes to securely fastening

festive brooches to their wardrobe.

Wait a second. I've seen this before.

[GASPS] And I know who can help us.

How'd you come up with the answer?

I don't know.

Maybe because my son
can count to fricking seven!

I hate this common core!

[CHUCKLES]

No, you keep going, sport.

Papa needs to talk with his guests,

who decided to drop in during homework time.

Someone broke into our place
and stole Frank,

but left this behind.

And it is the same brooch you had.

Ugh, The Court of Owls?

What is that? Is that
like a bird watching club?

Ha! They wish!

It used to be the city's
most exclusive secret society.

Bankrolled some intensely evil schemes.

Now, it's just a bunch
of old straight white dudes

jerking each other off.

Headphones, Benny!

Where can we find them?

Assuming they haven't
changed their schedule,

they'll be having their
weekly meeting tonight.

Wednesday nights? You always told me

you were playing softball.

[LAUGHS] I was lying.

What grown man plays on a softball team?

So, how do we get into this meeting?

You just need a mask and the password.

Lucky for you, I have both.

Hmm.

Here we are. Hmm.

Saves me a trip to Goodwill.

And what's the password?

The password is...

"Hoot hoot."

Seriously? That's like using
your name as the password.

Harley, you literally use
your name for every password.

Are you finished? Well, let's take a look.

Draw a picture to explain your answer.

Who gives a sh*t?

Ha!

Oh, sorry, bud, I had to get that out.

I'll make it up to you.

What do you say we get some boba?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

You really think one of these
sick assholes has Frank?

Yes. Just play it cool, okay?

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

Hoot Hoot.

Eyes open for anything suspicious.

[HOOTING NOISE]

Okay, everything's already suspicious.

[HOOTING CONTINUES]

It is time for the sacrifice, but,

before we get to that,
just a quick announcement.

Due to a number of complaints
from our newer members

about the inhumane sacrifices

we have been performing for over years,

a goat pinata will play the
role of an actual goat tonight.

- [HIGH OWL] I know, I know.
- [MAN] Favorite part...

There was nothing I could do.
Okay, here we go.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Now that the God's bloodlust
has been satiated,

we're gonna jump right into cocktail hour.

Okay, so let's just split up
and search the crowd.

Whoever stole Frank has to be
covered in his pollen.

So let's see if it's one of these creeps.

You're still hot when you give orders. Mmm.

All right, just go in there and
charm the hell out of those rich dicks.

Wish you told me about the mask thing.

Would've worn my sports goggles
from by b-ball days at the rec center.

Forget about your God damn glasses.

Focus on the mission at hand!

Get that money.

Got it. Just gonna glad-hand
the hell out of...

God dam, son of a... g*n.

- [GRUNTS]
- Hey, watch it.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Mr. Owl Man. Jim Gordon here.

I'm running for Mayor of Gotham.

We're not supposed to use names.

Oh! Right, right, right.

Eh, you already know who I am.
So, like I said,

Jim Gordon, running for Mayor.

Crime's rampant and the current mayor
isn't doing a dosh garn thing about it!

- Isn't he in a coma?
- Eh, irrelevant.

This damn mask! It does... It doesn't fit.

I think my head's too small? Too... too big?

[GASPS]

Wait a rotten ham-hawk,
I know that jaw-line.

That stiff upper lip, those
broad shoulders that look like

they're holding the weight of the world.

Bruce Wayne. God, it's good to
see a familiar face

[SIGHS] Commissioner.

My God, those
shoulders really are so solid.

Guess I shouldn't be too surprised
to see you at this chichi shindig.

I like to keep my eye on Gotham's elite.

Speaking of Gotham,
I'm gonna change the city

and I could really use some of that sweet,

sweet cash that you got in your pocket.

Also, not to brag, but my good
friend Batman has endorsed me.

- No, he hasn't.
- Well, he hasn't announced it yet,

but it's coming. Don't you worry.

Gonna figure this mask out then
I'll circle back with you.

Hey, just out of curiosity, what
were you doing about two hours ago?

Teaching my kindergarten class.

Oh, wow, that's really upsetting.

Hey, I know it was you, Bane.

[CLEARS THROAT] Who is this
Bane you speak of?

Never heard of him. Though, he
does sound like a pretty cool dude.

Oh, cut the sh*t. What were you
doing from : p.m. until now?

Well, : p.m. on Wednesday
is my standing therapy session.

It was a tough one.
Got into some trust issues.

I think you know why.

You won't give me back my pasta maker.

- The ultimate betrayal!
- [TOILET FLUSHING]

My therapist thinks we would all benefit

from a group session... Oh, okay.

So you can use any toilet you
want, but I can't use yours?

Good to see you, too.

But I haven't the faintest idea
what you're talking about.

I know all about you texting Ivy telling
her I can't do anything in your apartment

including use your fancy Japanese toilet.

[LAUGHS] What would be the
point of stealing a Komon Clean

if I didn't want to show it off?

Wh... That's what I said!

Hmm, seems like your problem
might be with Ivy, not me.

I... Ivy lied to me?

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- King?
- Why thank you.

Got a clue on our thief.

Okay, 'cause we have not found sh*t.

Not every camera was broken.

Our fancy, sexy toilet has one inside

and snapped a butt pic of the intruder.

Hang on, so someone broke in,
stole Frank, and took a sh*t?

I cannot confirm it was in that order.

Anyway, I did a zoom zoom
and enhanced the tuchus photo.

- Sending it now.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[GAGS] Is that a mole?

[SY] Bingo!

And this is all you could find?

Pretty good, considering Harley
bashed in the rest of the cameras.

Wait, what?

[SHOUTING] Pretty good, considering
Harley bashed in the rest of the cameras!

Huh, see this? I'm a problem solver.

And I'll bring this kind of
ingenuity all the way to City Hall.

Jim, if I give you money,
will you leave me alone?

- You betcha.
- Let me get my checkbook.

[GRUNTS]

So Sy just told me something
really interesting.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That you went full-blown
smashey fit on all of the cameras.

Well, Cat woman told me
the truth about you guys.

Uh... [SIGHS] So messed up.

Can we please get out of here
before the party gets started?

Oh, I'd say the party has already started.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Fine. Get our coats.

I want to luxuriate in their
emotional discord for a second.

Why would you lie to me about that?

I... I didn't lie about it,
I just didn't say anything.

And look, the last time we
hooked up was, like, four years ago.

Wait, what?

Oh! Okay, we can go.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

You two used to hook up?

I was talking about the toilet texts,

but you and that furball used to hook up?

Let's talk about that!

- Harley...
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't get to "Harley" me. Is
there anyone else I should know about?

Any more shocking sex things
I'm gonna be blindsided with?

[THUDDING]

- What the hell?
- [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Let the grand owl orgy begin! Hoot, hoot!

[ALL] Hoot, hoot!

[WHIRRING]

[WOMAN MOANING]

[ALL MOANING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Honey, let's just forget about
all of this and focus in.

Whoever stole Frank has this butt mole.

We find this butt mole,

and then we can just drop this whole thing.

Ooh, there's always a butt mole whenever
we need to talk about something important.

There's nothing more important
to me right now than finding Frank.

There's nothing to talk about.

Sorry to eavesdrop, but if I'm being honest,

it seems like there is a lot to talk about.

[GRUNTING]

This part's always tricky.

Could one of you gals help me
to unhook my...

- [BOTH] Not now, Bane.
- [BANE] Oh, okay.

It didn't mean anything, it was ages ago.

Look, we've got this extremely
convenient gift of nakedness.

Now let's just go and find this mole.

If it didn't mean anything then
why didn't you tell me?

Maybe I didn't tell you because
I knew this is how you'd react.

Wow. Just wow.

[EXHALES] sh*t!

[WATER RUNNING]

[SIGH] Come on, Jimbo, you got this.

Just talk to a few more people

- and your campaign's back on track.
- [TOILET FLUSHING]

Hmm, first-time jitters?

Uh, let me give you a piece of advice.

Lube, and plenty of it.

Right, gotta grease the wheels,
butter 'em up.

Why the... Ow, why is it so
God damn dark in here?

Looking for money and these assholes
can't even keep the electricity on.

[YELLS]

Ah, cheese nuts.

The hell is this? Some kind of Conga line?

Where the hell is it?

Ah, for crying out loud.

Harley...

- [GOAT BLEATING]
- [CROWD MOANING]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

The real reason I didn't tell you

wasn't because I thought you'd freak out.

When Cat woman and I hooked up,
I wanted more,

even though it was so obvious she didn't.

[SCOFFS] And so, I waited around,

hoping that she'd change her mind.

And while I waited, I was just,
like, wrapped around her little finger

and I still cringe every time
I think about it.

Could you please keep your
talking to a dull sexy roar?

- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]

No! Annihilate my taint.

[WHEEZING]

Anyway, after it finally ended
I felt so pathetic.

I never wanted to think about it
again, and so when you brought it up

I just got defensive and I said
something I shouldn't.

[SIGHS] Harley, it wasn't
even a real relationship

and I know that because
when we got together,

I knew I'd finally found
what I'd been pining for

all these years.

Cat woman didn't mean a thing to me.

But you, you, Harley, you mean everything.

Oh.

[MOANING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

One rule at orgies,
never turn the lights on.

But I was almost done
carbo-loading for the fuckfest.

[SMACKING]

[CROWD MOANING]

Ah, hot damn!

What in Satan's assh*le?

So you didn't get anyone to
donate to the campaign?

No. But I did get a pretty
sweet selfie with Bruce Wayne.

Maybe put it on a billboard!

Hold on, there's a better one.

Huh, I don't remember taking those.

[LAUGHS] Oh. Gordon, you brilliant buffoon!

There's only one thing better than money.

- Love of a woman?
- What?

No. Blackmail.

And now we have videos
of every major player in Gotham

at some weird sex cult! [LAUGHS]

So that means we can put
the selfie on a billboard?

Oh, that and so much more.

[LAUGHING]

[HUMMING]

[GROANS] Why the f*ck would they do this

on a concrete floor? [SIGHS]

I want you to be completely honest with me

and I will be completely honest with you.

Here, I'll tell you everyone
I've ever hooked up with.

I'll go from grossest to hottest.

- Oh, please don't do that.
- Oh.

I'm so glad we worked through
this and everything's okay.

- I mean, Frank is still missing.
- Oh, right, Frank.

Oh, hey. What the... [GASPS]

Oh, f*ck me! f*ck me!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]