01x01 - Cartman Gets an a**l Probe

[bunniefuu]

And now a fireside chat with the creators of Comedy Central's "South Park,"

Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Hi, I'm Trey Parker. And I'm Matt Stone.

And this here's ole Scratch. Say hi, ole fellow.

We do a show called "South Park."

Matt and Trey, tell us a little bit about yourselves.

Well, I-I met Matthew at the University of Colorado where I was going to film school.

I actually met him in Beginning Filmmaking class.

I met him and found someone who could make me laugh, even when I felt like crying.

Guys, who would you say are your role models?

Well, I'd have to say my biggest role model is Matt.

I guess I'd have to say mine is Theodore Roosevelt, for his work with the Rough Riders in the Spanish American w*r.

Matt and Trey, tell us about this episode.

This episode is called "Cartman Gets an a**l Probe," and it's our favorite episode.

In it, Kyle's baby brother Ike gets abducted by aliens, and Cartman has strange things implanted in his ass.

I think that the reason this episode is-- well, ole Scratch's favorite, anyway, is because it's the only episode that Matt and I animated completely by ourselves.

You see, this was the pilot episode, done before we had a series.

So Matt and I had to do the whole thing by ourselves.

For several months, we were locked into a cold, dark, little room for long periods of time.

You know, that "Kick the Baby" game looks like fun.

Have you guys ever played it personally?

Well, neither Trey or I have children.

That's right, the only family we have is each other and ole Scratch here.

We're not married yet. We can't even get dates.

But the truth is, until we have children, we're not gonna know whether or not we're gonna kick them.

You guys seem to write alien encounter material with a certain, uh, knowledge.

Have either of you actually ever been abducted?

Trey, it's okay.

Go ahead and tell.

I grew up very near to South Park, and so I was abducted when I was a small child.

I remember the experience.

I remember how horrible it was.

I remember too much.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy

"Cartman Gets an a**l Probe."

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

♪ School days school days teachers... ♪ Ah, damn it, my little brother's trying to follow me to school again.

Ike, you can't come to school with me.

Yeah, go home, you little dildo.

Dude, don't call my brother a dildo.

What's a dildo? I don't know.

And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either.

I know what it means.

Well, what?

I'm not telling you.

What's a dildo, Kenny?

Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, all right.

Ow.

Dude, that kicks ass.

Yeah, check this one out.

Ready, Ike? Kick the baby.

Don't kick the baby.

Kick the baby.

Aah!

Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.

That's because I was having these bogus nightmares.

Really? What about?

Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed, in the dark.

When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.

And slowly my bedroom door began to open.

And then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.

Then I was lying on a table, and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me.

And they had big heads and big black eyes.

Dude, visitors. Totally.

What? That wasn't a dream, Cartman.

Those were visitors.

No, it was just a dream. My mom said so.

Visitors are real. Yeah.

They abduct people and they mutilate cows.

Oh, shut up, you guys, you're just trying to make me scared.

And it's not working.

Hello there, children.

Hey, Chef.

What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?

Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.

Kick ass.

Say, did any of you children see the alien spaceship last night?

Huh? Yeah, fat boy saw it.

No, that... that was just a dream.

And I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?

Oh! They took him on their ship.

Oh, did they give you an a**l probe?

Oh! What's an a**l probe?

That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up your butt.

Whoa, they gave you an a**l probe, Cartman?

No, I mean... why would they do that?

Dude, they did, huh?

Aliens stuck stuff up your ass.

No. An probe.

Shut up, dildo.

Well, I got to get to the cafeteria.

You children watch that fat boy, now.

He could be under alien control.

We told you they were real, Cartman.

Sorry to hear about your ass.

God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass.

It was just a dream.

Why you walking so funny, Cartman?

Shut up.

No, Ike, go home.

This is it, this one's for the game.

Kick the baby.

Good morning, Miss Crabtree.

Sit down, we're running late!

Damn it, he's still there.

Oh, don't worry about him.

No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.

Sit down back there! Aah!

Yeah, whatever, you fat bitch.

What did you say?

I said I have a bad itch.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

Visitors.

Ike! Stop the bus!

Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus.

Do you want an office referral?

No. Then sit down!

But I...

Aah!

Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?

Shut up, you guys, it's not working.

We have to do something.

Well, we can't do anything for now.

That fat bitch won't let us.

What did you say?

I said that rabbits eat lettuce.

Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

What am I gonna do?

My little brother's been abducted by aliens.

You farted.

Somebody's baking brownies.

♪ ♪ That's the third cow this month.

At this rate, all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.

This is nothing out of the unusual.

Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.

People been saying they've been seeing UFOs around.

UFOs?

Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.

That's the silliest thing I've ever heard.

What was that?

That... that was a pigeon.

What am I supposed to do, Barbrady?

Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?

Hey, my cattle!

You see?

There is something funny going on.

There's nothing funny going on.

I'll get those cows back.

And now, children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.

That's right, Mr. Garrison, Christopher Columbus discovered America, and was the Indians' best friend.

He helped the Indians win their w*r against Frederick Douglas, and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon.

And discovered France.

Oh, man. I can't just sit here.

I have to help my stupid brother.

I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?

You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle."

Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.

"You know he can't think on his own, Kyle.

"Brush and floss, Kyle.

Where has that finger been, Kyle?"

Dude.

Is there a problem, boys?

Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.

Oh really, Kyle?

What is it this time, another prostate tumor?

No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens.

It's true. Ask Cartman.

They gave him an a**l probe.

That's a little joke.

Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go.

Can I please be excused from class?

I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?

I don't want to ask Mr. Hat!

I'm asking you!

Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.

Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?

Well, Kyle, no.

You hear me? You go to hell.

You go to hell and you die.

Hm, I guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.

Damn it.

Ha-ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you.

Ow, my ass!

Damn, Cartman.

Ow, my ass!

Dude, he's farting fire.

It's the alien a**l probe.

It's sh**ting fire from Cartman's rectum.

No, that was just a dream.

Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?

No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.

♪ ♪ Hey, you cows can't get on this train.

This is a people train.

You cows have no business on a people train, all right?

'cause you're cows.

No, no, no.

Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right?

'Cause it's not gonna work.

Hold it right there, cows.

Come back here.

Aah!

Ooh. I sure am hungry.

How can you eat when you're farting fire?

Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.

Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.

Where?

♪ ♪

♪ Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger ♪ Shut up, fat ass. I don't even like her.

I'm not fat and you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.

I do not.

Hi, guys. Hi, Wendy.

Here, Stan, this is for you.

Eww.

Bye, Wendy.

Dude, what does the note say?

Holy crap, it says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.

Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.

Or slip her the tongue.

What, how do you know she has a cat?

Come on, you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.

Hello there, children. Hey Chef.

How are you doing? Bad.

Why bad? Chef, have you ever had something happen to you but nobody believed you?

Oh, children, children.

That's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another.

Here, let me sing you a little song.

It might clear things up.

♪ I'm gonna make love to you woman ♪

♪ Gonna lay you down by the fire ♪

♪ And caress your womanly body ♪

♪ Make you moan and perspire ♪

♪ Gonna get ♪ Uh, Chef?

♪ Those juices flowing ♪ Chef.

♪ We're making love baby ♪ Chef!

♪ Love baby love love love love baby ♪ Chef!

Huh?

Do you feel better? No.

Oh, come on, children, what can be so bad?

It's Salisbury steak day.

Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.

What?

What the hell do you think you're doing in school eating Salisbury steak?

Go find him, damn it.

Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school.

He thinks we're making it up.

You are making it up.

Whoa.

What? That was cool.

It's some kind of symbionic metamorphosis device.

This can mean the visitors want to communicate with us.

Oh, I see.

Now you're gonna join in on the little joke, huh?

It's no joke, children. This is big.

Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.

Uh, hold on, now. Hold on, now.

You got to help the children.

Hey, you guys sure are going a long way to try and scare me.

I want my Salisbury steak!

Fire drill, fire drill.

Everybody out.

Okay, children, this is your chance.

k*ller. Thanks, Chef.

Man, oh, man.

First contact with the alien visitors.

I've got to get myself ready.

♪ We got out of school ♪

♪ No more school today ♪

♪ We got out of school ♪ Oh, you guys!

My ass, seriously!

Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now.

I would if I could, you son of a bitch.

Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?

Hey, would you stop going on about your little brother?

I know it was just a dream.

I know I didn't have an a**l probe.

And I know that I'm not under alien control.

♪ I love to singa ♪

♪ About the moona and the juna and the springa ♪

♪ I love to singa ♪

♪ About a sky of blue or tea for two ♪

What the hell was that?

He is under alien control.

That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors.

Oh, son of a bitch.

You guys shut up.

I'm not under alien control.

Hey, if you visitors can hear me...

Hey. Bring me back my little brother, God damn it!

Ow, that hurts, you butt licker!

Kyle, look, it's them.

Give me back my brother!

Oh, my God, they k*lled Kenny!

You bastards!

Come back here!

Come back!

Damn it! We were so close.

Hey, look, I think Kenny's okay.

Oh.

Wow, poor Kenny.

Now do you believe us, Cartman?

No.

Cartman, they k*lled Kenny.

He's not dead.

Dude, Kenny is dead.

See?

Shut up, you guys.

He's dead, Cartman.

God damn it, I didn't have an a**l probe!

Screw you guys. I'm going home.

Go on and go home, you fat chicken.

Dildo!

You're all I have left, Stan.

Sorry, dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.

You can't. Poor Ike must be so scared.

Up there all alone.

You gotta help me dude.

Dude, like Chef says, I gotta get a piece of loving while the getting's hot.

Rats.

Hello, Eric.

Hi, Mom.

How are you doing?

Well, I'm pissed off.

Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.

I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise.

All the kids in school call me fat.

You're not fat, you're big boned.

That's what I said.

You can have an eensy-weensy bit, can't you?

No.

Just a weensy-eensy woo-woo?

No, leave me alone, Mom.

How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie then?

But... well, that sounds pretty good.

Uh, Mom?

Yes, hon?

If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?

Sure, hon.

You want some Cheesy Poofs too?

Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.

Well, looks like she's not gonna show up, Stan.

Let's go look for the visitors now.

But her note said she'd be here.

Hi, Stan.

Ew.

You can't talk to Stan, Wendy.

He throws up when you do.

But why, Stan?

Ew.

Look, could you guys just get down to business so we can find my little brother?

Huh?

Just make sweet love down by the fire.

What happened to your little brother?

As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park.

These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.

Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.

Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?

No, kitty, this is my pot pie.

No, kitty, that's a bad kitty!

No, kitty, this is my pot pie!

Mom, kitty's being a dildo.

Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.

What?

And now I have to go home without him, and my parents are gonna have me k*lled.

Well, why didn't you go get the fat kid?

Why? Well... if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan.

You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.

Hey, you're right, Wendy.

Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman.

Come on, Stan.

Ew.

Hey, wait.

When do I get to make sweet love?

No, kitty, you can't have any.

No, kitty, this is my pot pie!

Bad kitty!

Oh. Excuse me, kitty.

Eric, look who's here.

Dude, weak, Mom.

Come on, Eric, we're gonna go play at the bus stop.

I can't. My mom says--

That's okay, Eric.

I think you need to spend time with your little friends.

But Mom, I don't want to spend time with my...

Don't be difficult, Eric.

Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.

God damn it.

You guys, I have to get home.

Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman.

This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.

Oh, man, this sucks.

How come the visitors aren't coming for him?

I think we have to signal them somehow.

Ow!

Hey, he's like Rudolph.

Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come.

Really?

Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.

Sure you do.

Come on, Cartman, fart.

I don't wanna.

He can't hold it in forever.

Fart, damn you!

Okay, that does it.

Now, listen, why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?

I'm sick of it.

It's completely immature.

Hey, it's happening again.

Whoa, look at that.

Now do you believe us, Cartman?

You guys can't scare me.

I know you're making it all up.

Cartman, there's an 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass.

Sure, you guys. Whatever.

Oh, boy, the aliens are going to make first contact.

Hey, down here!

We are ready for your wisdom!

And you only got 20 minutes before "Sanford and Son" is on.

You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now!

I know there's no such thing as aliens!

Oh, God damn it!

What the--?

I tell you, there's crazy stuff going on in this town.

You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

Come down here, you stinking aliens.

Uh, uh...

Go on, Kyle, ask them for your little brother back.

V-visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike.

He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football.

At first I was happy you took him away.

But I've learned something today.

That having a little brother is a pretty special thing.

Yeah. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world.

But if you can find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.

That was beautiful, dude.

Did it work?

Nope, they're leaving.

Hey, you scrawny assed [bleep]!

What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

You must be some kind of [bleep] to be able to ignore a crying child!

Whoa, dude.

You know what you [bleep] like?

You like to [bleep]...

Hey, Wendy, what's a [bleep]?

Ike, jump down, now!

For the love of God, Ike, jump!

Don't hurt me.

Moo.

Come on, Ike.

I promise I'll be nice to you from now on.

Don't kick the baby.

What the hell are they talking about?

Ike!

Ike, do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!

It's my turn.

You guys, get me down from here!

Help!

Help!

Sons a b*tches!

Dildo!

Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.

Yeah, boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.

Fly in the sky.

Wait.

Where are you going, alien visitors?

Come back.

Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were gonna show us?

Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies.

Come on in.

Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner.

Thanks for your help, Wendy.

Whatever, dude.

Hey, I didn't throw up.

Cool.

♪ ♪ Ew.

Sorry. Hey, look, a French fry.

Cool. And what is that?

I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof.

Hey, what's that?

♪ I'm gonna make love ♪ That's a hamburger.

That's from like two days ago. ♪ To you woman ♪ Well, hey, what about that?

I don't know what the hell that is.

Gee, the bus will be here any minute.

And Cartman still isn't around.

Yeah, we're running out of friends.

I wonder what that thing was that the visitors gave the cows?

Ha-ha, cows, I got you cornered.

Let's see you get away now.

♪ I love to singa ♪

♪ About the moona and the juna and the springa ♪

♪ I love to singa ♪

♪ About a sky of blue or tea for two ♪ Oh, hey, Cartman.

Wow, Cartman.

The visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.

Oh, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.

Really? What about?

Well, I was standing out in a field and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt.

And then there was hundreds of cows and aliens and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pink eye.

That wasn't a dream, Cartman.

That really happened.

Oh, right.

Why don't I have pink eye then?

Cartman, you do have pink eye.

Oh, son of a bitch.