01x02 - Weight Gain 4000

[bunniefuu]

[twangy music]

# I'm going down to South Park #

# Gonna have myself a time #

All: # Friendly faces everywhere #

# Humble folks without temptation #

# Going down to South Park #

# Gonna leave my woes behind #

# Ample parking day or night #

# People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." #

# Headed on up to South Park #

# Gonna see if I can't unwind #

[singing indistinctly]

# So come on down to South Park #

# And meet some friends of mine #

Hey, Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?

Yeah, it was huge.

Ugh, I hate those things.

Nobody hates rainbows.

Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?

Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there minding your own business, and they'll come marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass.

And you'll be all like, "Hey, get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows."

Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about rainbows.

I hate those friggin' things.

Rainbows are those arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.

Oh, rainbows.

Oh, yeah, I like those.

Those are cool.

What were you talking about?

Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.

No, what marches in, crawls up your leg...

Nothing. And bites the inside of your ass? Nothing.

Children, children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month?

One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.

[all gasp]

Wow, I knew I would win.

Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.

That's right, Mr. Hat.

The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet contest is... Eric Cartman.

What? What?

Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.

Kick ass.

That's impossible.

Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.

Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.

Wow, what did you write about, Cartman?

Oh, you know, this and that.

He doesn't even know what he wrote about.

What was your paper about, Wendy?

My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins.

Well, you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins.

Dolphins are stupid.

Dude, dolphins are, like, the second-smartest animal on the planet.

[scoffs] Oh, right.

If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

What? Wait, wait, there's more.

It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...

Kathie Lee Gifford?

Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?

And the presentation will be on national television.

Both: Television?

Kathie Lee Gifford.

I don't believe it.

Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park.

Oh, my God.

This is our chance to make a name for ourselves, to show that we're not some pissant, white-bread mountain town.

Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.

Yes, if I can show just how much I've turned South Park around, I could become a senator.

Maybe even a state senator.

Mayor, we should decorate the town square.

Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.

That's right.

He's a black guy, isn't he?

Black as the night itself, Mayor.

Yes, and we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play.

Kathie Lee loves children.

If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.

Oh! Ouch.

[laughs] Thank you.

You guys, guess what.

After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.

h*tler was famous too.

Hello there, children.

Both: Hey, Chef.

How are my little crackers today?

Good.

Did y'all hear about the news?

Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.

Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest.

Hey! Yeah, yeah, whatever.

But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.

Wow, are you gonna do it?

Of course.

Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy.

And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

[mumbling indistinctly]

Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.

Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.

Why are you looking at me like that, Mr. Hat?

Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?

Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and...

And I was only a child.

We could've won that talent show.

We could've been huge.

Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.

Who's there? Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Thank you.

Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.

And now, our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.

# If they could see me now, that little g*ng of mine #

# I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine #

# I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact #

# The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract #

# All I can say is wowee, look at where I am #

# Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam #

# What a setup, holy cow, they'd never believe it #

# If my friends could see me now #

[fireworks booming]

[cheers and applause]

It wasn't fair.

She had choreography.

How could we compete with that?

But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better.

How? [gasps]

No, Mr. Hat.

I couldn't... k*ll Kathie Lee Gifford.

Children, as you all know, Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay.

That kid is me. Whatever.

Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park.

That'll be wonderful, won't it, Mr. Hat?

k*ll her. Mr. Hat.

Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.

Oh, that's perfect.

You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have to k*ll her.

We can just upstage her.

Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays.

We think Cartman might have cheated.

Who cares?

Now, kids, what's say we give it our South Park best?

And who's our little prizewinner again?

Me, Eric Cartman.

How about we get in shape, huh?

We want to look our best for the TV cameras, don't we?

Yes, ma'am.

# I'm gonna be on television #

# I'm gonna be on television #

# I'm gonna be on television #

# I'm gonna be on television #

We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.

Ugh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.

Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.

Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.

Dolphins are way smarter than you.

If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Dolphins don't live in igloos.

That's Eskimos.

Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?

It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

Tell me what you wrote about.

I can't.

I have to go home and get in shape.

Yeah, right.

You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master.

Screw you, hippie.

We'll be right back to "Jesus and Pals" after this.

Hey, do you need to get in shape fast?

Wanna look your best?

Tired of the other guys getting all the chicks?

Are you tired of being a 90-pound weakling?

Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.

Then bulk up quick with Weight Gain 4000.

Yes. Over 4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving, its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth and go directly to the stomach, where it is distributed to the bloodstream.

Now available at stores everywhere.

Get some today, and say it with me, "Beefcake."

Beefcake. Beefcake!

Beefcake! Beefcake!

Beefcake!

May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.

Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?

Okay, Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.

But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow.

But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.

Mom. [whining]

Okay, okay.

Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now, then.

# If they could see me now, that little g*ng of mine #

# I'm eating fancy chow and drinking... #

No! No!

k*ll her.

No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.

k*ll.

That does it.

You're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.

She'll make a fool of you again.

Well, you can just stay in that drawer, negative Nancy.

Hey, dudes.

What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman?

Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?

Listen, I have a nice body, and I want to show it off.

You got that?

What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds.

I'm up to 94, thank you very much.

[mumbling indistinctly]

Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.

[laughter]

Laugh all you want.

I'll the one who's gonna be on TV looking all buff.

What's that stuff? Weight Gain 4000.

It's helping me bulk up.

Bulk up to what, fat-ass?

Super fat-ass?

Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings.

[grunting]

Sweet, check me out.

I'm such a beefcake I can't get through the door.

Come on, people.

We've got to turn this place around.

Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows.

[cows mooing]

Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?

Huh? Oh, fine.

We were just about to run it from the top.

Oh, please do.

I'm dying to see it.

Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.

Good, and all the little Indians go to the center of the stage.

Am I an Indian or a pioneer?

Do you have a feather on your head?

Yes. Then you're an Indian.

Oh.

Okay, Bebe, this is your line.

This is the story of South Park.

It begins over 100 years ago when the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land.

[drums thumping]

Oh, don't they look adorable?

Then from the East came the great white pioneers.

[together] Ahh!

Oh, my God.

They did it a lot better this morning.

They had more energy.

The pioneers met with the Indians and negotiated for their fertile lands.

Mr. Garrison, we cannot have our children b*ating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.

Well, what do you want?

This is how it happened in those days.

Take that, you stupid Indian. Ohh.

Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate.

Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?

To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford.

[all gasp]

[gasps] Oh, my God. What have I said?

He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford."

Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.

[crickets chirping]

It happened again, didn't it?

Now we do things my way.

I can't k*ll her, Mr. Hat.

You're gonna have to do it.

[cackling]

Whoa, Cartman, talk about wide load.

Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

You're not filling out nicely.

You're fatter than ever.

I'm not fat.

I'm getting in shape.

Cartman, you're such a fat-ass that when you walk down the street, people go, "God damn it.

That's a big fat-ass."

No, they don't, you jealous weakling.

God damn, that's a big fat-ass.

Hey!

Hi, guys. Oh, look, another hippie.

Peace, Wendy. Shut up, Cartman.

Oh.

# Two little hippies sitting in a tree #

I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.

Can I help you?

Yes.

I need a g*n.

Would this be for hunting or protection or other?

Other. Alrighty then.

May I suggest a Stratford 12-millimeter?

Go ahead. Try it on.

That looks really nice on you.

The lacquered black really matches your eyes.

You talking to me?

You talking to me?

I don't know, it's a little small.

Okay. How about this?

You talking to me?

Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.

Here's the same g*n with a wood finish.

You talking to me?

I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talking to me.

I'll take it.

Hello?

"My essay, by Eric Cartman.

"When I wrote the following pages, "or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."

[door clicks open]

Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow.

She b*at us in the talent show all those years ago.

And I think we owe her for that.

Ba-bang!

Oh, my God.

[upbeat twangy music]

##

Howdy, Mr. Garrison. Nice g*n.

Thank you.

Nice g*n, Mr. Garrison.

Thanks.

Hello, Officer Barbrady.

Nice g*n. Thanks.

Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear sh*t... or a view of Kathie Lee?

Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.

[dramatic music]

Yes, that might do quite nicely.

Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

No problem.

Ha! Caught you red-handed!

No pictures of Kathie Lee.

Where is she?

This is sweet.

Camera crews are setting up, and I'm looking totally ripped.

Beefcake. Beefcake!

I don't think they're gonna be able to get all of you in frame, Cartman.

You guys, we have to stop him.

Stop who? Mr. Garrison.

He's going to try to k*ll Kathie Lee Gifford.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not gonna ruin my moment of fame.

He's got a g*n.

You gotta get over this whole jealousy thing, all right?

Seriously, just face it.

I wrote a better paper than you.

It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won.

There's something more important right now.

Let's go.

Wendy, you've got to prioritize.

What's more important, being on TV or some stupid assassination?

Stan, I can't do it alone.

Please?

Uh-oh, we're losing him.

Here she comes.

[upbeat music]

##

Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of k*lling Kathie Lee Gifford.

We love you, Kathie Lee.

I love you too.

Come on, you little bitch.

You've got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, missy.

It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.

[cheers and applause]

And now our very own South Park Elementary chef will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman.

I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean special, like the song of the hummingbird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long.

Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and letting their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.

# Oh Kathie Lee #

# How I'd love to lay you down #

# And lick every inch of your body #

# With my tongue #

What?

# Kathie Lee you're my sexual fantasy #

What? # How about you and me #

Thank you, Chef, for that heartwarming song.

# Get it together and make sweet love? #

Thank you, Chef.

Oh, oh.

God bless you, Kathie Lee.

Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison is about to k*ll Kathie Lee.

We have to find him.

What? You mean the teacher?

Wait a minute.

Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear sh*t... Or a view of Kathie Lee?

Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.

I think the book depository would be a good bet.

Book depository, depository, book depository, depository.

Damn, he could be anywhere.

I'll send out an APB.

Wendy, look.

And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman...

Cartman, God damn it.

Is your favorite celebrity and mine, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[grunts]

Thank you. I love you all.

Mr. Garrison, stop.

Leave us.

We must finish what we have begun.

I know that she's hurt you.

She's hurt a lot of people.

You can't know.

You should've won that talent show.

It is with a great honor and pride that I present the winner this trophy.

Eric, would you please come up here?

Here it is, my big moment of fame.

And then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once.

I know that, Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.

It is too late for me, young Wendy.

You see, I've learned something today.

You can't win all the time.

And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose.

You're... you're right.

Good.

Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?

The bitch must die.

Ahh! [g*nsh*t]

[mumbles indistinctly]

Oh, my God. They k*lled Kenny.

You bastard.

g*n! g*n!

Hey, come back.

We didn't even get to do our play.

All: Aww.

I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.

Hey, wait a minute.

When do I get to be on television?

Forget it, kid.

No Kathie Lee, no public interest.

But I won the environmental essay contest.

You don't deserve to win, Cartman, and you know it.

I'm holding Cartman's award-winning paper.

It's actually nothing more than "Walden" with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out and Cartman's name written in its place.

Who cares?

Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.

What about not holding anything against the person who wins?

Well, not if it's Cartman.

Hey, where are you all going?

They don't even know what "Walden" is.

I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.

Come on, Wendy.

Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.

Oh, what the hell.

[sobbing] No, no.

Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless, truck-driving idiots.

Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.

Thought you could get away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?

Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.

You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee Gifford and that nobody got hurt.

We hope you can come back to school real soon, Mr. Garrison.

Well, children, I'd love to, but the doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.

We can still get her.

I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.

Not Cartman.

He gets to be on TV anyway.

Really? On what?

Obesity, adiposity, corpulence.

Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: being a big fat-ass.

We have with us today live via satellite Eric Cartman from South Park, who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house.

When is this gonna be on the air?

Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?

Follow your dreams.

You can reach your goals.

I'm living proof.

Beefcake. Beefcake!

He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.

Mmm, how about a little more of that good loving, Chef?

Damn, woman.

I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago.

You trying to k*ll me?