01x03 - Volcano

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

Both: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptations ♪

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting "Howdy neighbor" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ [muffled singing] ♪

♪ So come on down to South park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

Now you be careful, Eric.

The woods can be very dangerous.

Okay, Mom.

Ready to go hunting, Cartman?

Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early.

Right, Uncle Jimbo?

That's right, Stanley.

Animals are much easier to sh**t in the morning.

Here, hon.

I packed you Cheesy Poofs and Happy Tarts.

Don't worry, Miss Cartman, we'll take care of him.

I brought my old w*r buddy, Ned, to keep things safe.

Hello, Mrs. Cartman. How are you today?

Be sure to use lots of bug spray, and if you have to poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy.

[laughter] Dude, that's sick, Mom!

And I know it can get scary up in those woods, but just remember, Mommy's not far away.

[laughter] Drive! Drive!

You give your mommy a kissy.

Drive the car, damn it! Drive!

"Don't get scared up in the mountains, Cartman."

Shut up! I'm not scared of nothing.

Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman.

[muffled speech]

Oh, oh! That's disgusting.

You piece of crap! I'll k*ll you!

That's the spirit, boys.

Let's get that testosterone flowing.

Yeeh!

Now, boys, boys, I need to get serious for a minute.

I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time.

First of all, don't ever walk with your g*n unless the safety's on.

Second, don't sh**t anything that looks human.

And third, never spill your beer in the b*llet chamber.

Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.

You what?!

Yeah, that's right, I don't think eight-year-old kids drink beer.

I like chocolate milk!

Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip.

After all, hunter sober is like...

Fishing... sober.

It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while, away from civilization.

Well, here we are.

Okay, each of you young'uns take a g*n, a beer, and some smokes.

Hey, I didn't get a g*n.

Sweet. This is like the g*n I used in 'Nam.

You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman.

Were you stationed in Da Nang?

Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned.

You can't believe anything he says.

Hey, I'll blow your freaking head off.

Hey, look out, son. That's dangerous.

You're gonna spill your beer.

My Uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Wow, that'll be cool.

My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Boys, lookie there.

That there is a Rocky Mountain black bear.

One of the few remaining of its kind.

Isn't it beautiful?

My God, it's coming right for us!

Hey, it wasn't coming right for us.

It was just sitting there. Shh, not so loud.

Now that there is just a technicality.

What do you mean? You see, boys, the Democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting.

Democrats piss me off!

They say we can't sh**t certain animals anymore unless they're posing an immediate thr*at.

Therefore, before we sh**t something, we have to say, "It's coming right for us."

Wow, you're smart, Uncle Jimbo.

Jimbo, look.

Oh, it's a deer.

Looks like about a 45-gauge, Ned.

It's coming right for us!

Kickass!

Did you see that?

I was imperiled by that ferocious, charging buck.

Rabbit, rabbit, five o'clock.

Let's move! Move!

Is this hunting? I guess so.

Uh, dude, I'm starting to have flashbacks.

What? Stand forth, pull up flank.

Look out for Charlies up in the trees.

This one's yours, Stan.

It's coming right for us. It's coming right for us.

sh**t it, Stan. I got your back, soldier.

I can't.

What the... What's wrong with you?

I don't wanna sh**t the bunny.

What the hell are you talking about, you don't wanna sh**t the bunny?

You're babbling, you're not making any sense.

You're hysterical. I'm not hysterical.

I just don't wanna sh**t the bunny.

No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger.

Yeah, hippie, go back to Woodstock if you can't sh**t anything.

I can sh**t you, fatass! I can sh**t you, too!

I'll k*ll you! I'll fill you full of lead!

[rumbling]

Hey, what's that?

[humming]

♪ ♪

[snores]

Hmm?

What the heck is this?

Yeah, Frank. It's Randy.

Uh-huh. Good.

Yeah, listen, the little needle is moving.

Yeah, it's going back and forth really fast.

What does that mean? Uh-huh?

Uh-huh. Let me check.

Yeah, it's smoking. Uh-huh.

Oh, really? Really?

Oh, my God, a volcano.

[dramatic musical sting]

♪ ♪

[slurps, sighs]

My weenies won't cook.

This wood won't burn.

Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.

Yep.

[yelling]

[laughs]

Hey, stop, drop and roll, Ned.

[laughs]

Both: Whoa!

God damn it, Ned. I just got that van.

How the hell are we supposed to get home?

Oh, it hurts, it hurts!

Hey, you guys.

This works pretty good right now.

But you see, Mr. Mayor, you can't stop serving Salisbury steak in our public schools.

What's next, meatloaf?

We are quite aware of your concerns, Chef, but...

Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.

My geologist? Now?

Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another checkup.

No, Mayor, that's a gynecologist.

A geologist studies the earth.

Don't you think I know that?

How dare you insult my intellect.

I went to Princeton for God's sake.

You get out of my office.

I'm not in your office, Mayor.

I'm talking to you through a speaker.

Just send in the geometrist. Geologist.

You are fired, buddy!

Thank you, Mayor. It's been great working for you.

Mayor, we've got a very big problem.

Mount Evanson is about to erupt.

[dramatic musical sting]

What does this mean to the town?

Well, this graph shows everything from normal to bad.

Right now, South Park is here.

[dramatic musical sting]

♪ ♪

My God.

Mayor, some of the school children are up camping on that mountain right now.

Oh, this is big.

Johnson, Johnson, are you there?

Uh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor.

I'm his replacement, Ted.

Ted, we have got a major crisis here.

I want you to get on the phone and call

"Inside Edition," "Rescue 911," oh, and "Entertainment Tonight."

You better get my stylist on the phone, too.

Don't worry. Things are under control.

And then Ned picked up the grenade and... boom!

Blasted his arm clear off.

We spent three hours looking for that damn arm, but it was never to be found.

Some say it's still crawling around to this day.

[growls]

[laughter] Ha, gotcha!

Heh, that's not scary.

You were scared, Cartman. You almost peed your pants.

Shut up! I didn't pee my pants.

Hey, Ned, hand me that gin.

You boys want to tie one on?

No, no thanks. That stuff tastes like pee.

Yeah, Cartman's pee. Hey, you would taste my pee.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Can't you have a little alcohol?

Christ, look at that little bastard go!

Now you see that, Stan?

Now that is a dirty little bastard.

Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard, too.

Hey, you guys, I know a scary story.

Shut up, Cartman. You can't scare anybody.

Oh, yeah?

You guys ever heard of Scuzzlebutt?

What-lebutt?

Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb to the top.

Why?

Because it loves the taste of blood and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.

Deformed how?

Well, on his left arm instead of a hand, he has...

A hook. A Kn*fe.

No, a piece of celery. Celery?

Yes, and he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing.

And where his leg should be, there's nothing but... Patrick Duffy.

Patrick Duffy?

Damn it, Cartman, that's not scary.

What do you mean? Have you ever seen "Step by Step?"

So he lives alone on this mountain and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts.

They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets.

Ka-shink, ka-shink, ka-shink.

Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories.

Yeah, give me that flashlight.

[muffled speech]

[rumbling]

What's that? Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets.

Hey, it might be.

Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand.

[laughter] Screw you guys!

Fatass! Go to hell!

Hey, Ned, why don't you whip out the old cancer kazoo.

Let's do a little song.

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Oh Lord, Kumbaya ♪

♪ Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya ♪

They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary, huh?

Let's see how they like it when they actually see Scuzzlebutt.

I'll scare the hell out of them tomorrow.

♪ Someone's crying, Lord, Kumbaya ♪

♪ Oh Lord, Kumbaya ♪

[rooster crows]

Stan, Stan, wake up.

What, dude?

I don't know where Cartman is.

I think something took him away.

Where's my Uncle Jimbo and Ned?

They're out fishing with Kenny.

With Kenny? But this is supposed to be my camping trip.

Why do they like Kenny so much?

Doesn't he like me anymore?

Well, Stan, you want to know what I think?

What? [farts]

What a beautiful morning for fishing.

There's one. There's a fish right there.

Got it.

Great instincts, boy.

Uncle Jimbo, Cartman's missing.

Who? The fat kid?

Yeah. Ah, hell.

I guess we better go look for him.

Ned, you gotta cut it short.

Fire out the 12-20.

Well, I think that's about the limit for our fishing permit.

Oh, man, it smells like dead fish.

[muffled speech]

Oh, man, that is nasty.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen a kid as cool as you, Kenny.

I'm making you my honorary nephew.

[muffled speech]

[somber music]

The people of South Park are humble and friendly, but now a ticking time b*mb of hot lava waits to engulf these people and end their miserable lives with one last fleeting moment of excruciatingly painful, burning agony.

Hey, I'm on TV! I'm on TV!

Mayor, what are you doing to prepare for this inevitable catastrophe?

All we know right now is that some of our children are camping on that mountain and... uh, I'm sorry.

Can I start over? Huh?

You can edit this, right? Ready? Three, two, one.

All we know right now is that some of our children are up camping on that mountain.

We can't do anything until we get them.

Okay, people, let's go get those kids!

Come on, everybody. You gotta help the children.

Well, he couldn't have gone far.

Unless something drug him off.

There's not many animals out today, Jimbo.

Yeah, it's almost like something funny's going on.

[rumbling]

Christ, Ned, what'd you have for breakfast?

I don't know, man. I've got some bad gas.

Wait, there's a ram.

It's coming right for us!

Nice sh**ting, Kenny!

Here, you need a bigger g*n.

Look! I am Scuzzlebutt, Lord of the mountains.

Behold my Patrick Duffy leg.

What is it?

Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying.

Holy crow! We could make a mint k*lling this thing.

We'll be on the cover of "g*ns & a*mo."

This calls for some HJ-14.

[chuckles] Those guys are totally scared.

Fire in the hole!

Holy crap!

Damn it, I think I missed.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Come on, let's move! Move!

Wait, wait, ahhh!

Is it on? Okay.

Okay, people, form groups and search the mountain.

Report back here every hour. You got that?

Mayor, I might have an idea. Oh, what?

Well, if we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a canyon, and then it would bypass South Park pretty much completely.

And that would be good, right?

I'm pretty sure.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Okay, people, change of plans.

Half of you grabs shovels.

These look like his tracks. He must have gone this way.

Ned, prepare some HK-12 and some Plasticine.

I'll bet that sucker is headed for a higher elevation.

The higher up it... bird!

The higher up it goes, the better it can breathe.

Look, up there!

You guys, it's just me.

Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?

Does it have Patrick Duffy for a leg?

I can't tell. Let's k*ll it.

Got to get out of this stupid costume.

Kenny, you take the front.

No, I can do it, Uncle Jimbo.

I want to bag that animal.

That's the spirit, kiddo. Let's hunt!

You guys, you guys, I was just kidding!

As some people of South Park try desperately to save their mountain town, others look for the missing townspeople.

But all must take every precaution necessary.

Okay, people, listen up.

As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great.

Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety.

Mr. Garrison, if you would, please.

[cheerful music]

Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress, and a volcano is no exception.

But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family?

Here, we see the Stephens Family enjoying... Sunday picnic.

But suddenly, daughter hears a noise.

It's a volcano. Junior seems worried.

But have no fear, Junior.

Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt.

That's right, Jane, duck and cover.

[rumbling]

So what will... do when you hear a volcano erupting?

That's right, duck and cover.

Looks like you got the idea.

Duck and cover.

Thank you and good-bye.

Okay, any questions?

That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen.

That's enough out of you!

I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt, then we'll see who's a little bastard.

Hey, seriously, you guys!

k*ll it, Stan. k*ll it.

Come on, Stan, k*ll it!

Oh, damn it, I can't do it!

You pansy! Give me that g*n.

Hey! Cartman?

God damn it, don't sh**t me!

What the Sam Hill?

I was just trying to scare you guys.

You can put the g*n down now.

So much for the cover of "g*ns & a*mo."

Yepper, but I think we've learned some important lessons, Ned. I think...

Whoa!

Holy crap.

The mountain, it's blown its top!

[rumbling]

Oh, my God, they k*lled Kenny!

No, I'm okay. [screaming]

Look, the volcano.

Quick, duck and cover!

[all screaming]

That lava is coming right for us.

Oh, no, look.

What the hell is this trench doing here?

We can't get across!

It now looks as if the missing children are trapped in the path of hot, nasty lava.

God, please deliver those darling kids from...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Three, two and one.

God, please deliver...

Help!

[grumbles]

[dramatic music]

Jiminy, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!

What? Scuzzlebutt's real?

Oh, my God! Look at his leg!

Hi, kids, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy.

Quick, Ned, sh**t it!

[g*n clicks] Oh, no, out of a*mo.

[grumbles]

What is that thing?

That's Scuzzlebutt.

Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg and weaves baskets.

This isn't happening. Everyone look away, please.

Nothing to see here.

Well, boys, I'm sorry I got you all k*lled.

♪ ♪

Ahhh!

♪ ♪

Whoa, he built a wicker basket.

Hey, he's saving us.

[grumbles]

Scuzzlebutt saved the day.

And my calculations worked.

The lava's following the trench into the canyon.

Hmm, where exactly does the canyon go?

Uh...

[all screaming]

South Park is saved.

Hey, look, Kenny's okay. [muffled speech]

And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature.

I'm getting word that the chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity.

♪ Ooh baby every time that we kiss ♪

♪ Hot lava ♪

♪ Every time that we make love, hot lava ♪

♪ Hot lava ♪

♪ Lava so hot it makes me sweat ♪

♪ Lava so warm and red and wet ♪

♪ Lava ♪

Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome?

Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature.

Thank you, Scuzzlebutt.

Friend.

Oh, how sweet.

I did it, I did it! I finally k*lled something.

Oh, my God, what has he done?

Turn off the cameras.

Hey, that was easy.

No!

Why, God? Why?

Damn it, Stan. You shouldn't have done that.

What, why?

Yeah, make up your mind, dude.

Stan, some things you k*ll and some things you don't. See?

No.

Only now, in this late hour, do I see the folly of g*ns.

I'll never use a g*n again.

[g*nsh*t] [muffled screaming]

But I just wanted you to be proud of me, like you were with Kenny.

But Kenny's dead now, Stan.

And you're always gonna be my nephew.

And you just can't k*ll anything.

You understand?

Dude, I don't understand hunting at all.

Yeah, it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons.

Yeah, cartoons kick ass.