01x04 - Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

Hey, where's the school bus?

We're gonna be late for football practice.

Hiya, Sparky. Who's that?

That's my new dog Sparky.

He followed me to the bus stop.

Wow, cool! Good boy, Sparky.

Who's my best buddy?

Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?

Ugh. You're making me sick, dude.

He's part Doberman and part wolf.

He's the toughest dog on the mountain.

No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.

[growling]

He's not meaner than Sparky!

Oh, yeah? Let's see.

Hey, Sylvester!

Sparky'll kick his ass!

I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.

You're on, dude.

That's it, Sparky, kick his ass!

[dogs panting]

Huh. He's doing something to his ass.

He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.

Sparky, bad dog!

[mumbling]

What? Yeah, dude.

I think your dog is gay.

What do you mean?

That dog is a gay h*m*.

[dogs panting]

He's just confused.

I think the other dog's the one that's confused.

[mumbling]

Sick! Shut up, dude.

[whining]

♪ Stan's dog's a h*m* ♪

♪ Stan's dog's a h*m* ♪

Okay, children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against Middle Park.

Who's Middle Park? What's homecoming?

But just remember what I taught you that football is like making love to a really beautiful woman.

You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile.

Now let's start practice. [whistle blows]

Uh, Mr. Chef, sir?

Yes, Pip, what is it?

I still don't have a helmet.

I know, Pip.

The school can't afford helmets for everybody.

Yes, but couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week?

Does it always have to be me?

Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does.

Oh. Sorry, son.

Now get your ass in there.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

Hike the damn ball!

[grunts] [screaming]

Hey, how's practice coming there, Chef?

Huh? Oh, fine, fine.

I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park alumni.

Elementary school alumni?

That's as far as most of us got.

You think we have a sh*t at b*ating the spread against Middle Park this year?

I don't know. What... what's the spread?

Middle park by 70 points. Hmm.

Hey, I got it! I got it, I got it!

I don't think we have a chance.

Nonsense, not with my nephew a quarterback.

Right, Stanley?

Huh?

[grunts]

Attaboy! Great pass, Stan!

Come on, Ned, we got to get our asses to the bookie!

[whistle blows]

Okay, that was a good practice, children.

We'll see you here again tomorrow.

Hey, Stan, isn't that your dog?

Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice.

You see, he is smart.

Uh, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.

Yeah, but my dog found his own way here.

That makes him smarter than your...

[dogs panting] Sparky, get down!

Oh, my God, what is he doing to my dog?

There he goes again.

Get down, Sparky, down!

Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay h*m*.

Make him stop!

[yelping]

[laughing] I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay!

Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.

[laughing] Gay dog.

And so you see, Simon and Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.

Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures.

You get a D-minus.

Aw, damn it!

Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?

How about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?

Oh, good idea.

Okay, Stanley, you're next.

Um, I'm not really prepared either.

Well, just make something up like Eric did.

Okay, um, Asian culture has... plagued our fragile Earth for many years.

We must end it...

Excellent. A-minus!

Hey! Wow, cool!

Wait a minute!

Why the hell does he get an A-minus?

Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades.

And we treat star athletes better because they're better people.

That's not fair!

Life isn't fair, kiddo.

Get used to it.

Stupid puppet. [bell rings]

Don't forget your assignments tonight, children.

They're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.

Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?

Of course, Stanley. What is it?

What's a h*m*?

Oh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person.

Sit down.

Stanley, gay people... well, gay people are evil.

Evil right down to their cold, black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick vomitus oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains, which becomes the cause of their n*zi-esque patterns of violent behavior.

Do you understand? I guess.

Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanley.

Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.

♪ ♪

You guys see me block that defense today?

I was kicking ass.

You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to b*at the Cowboys.

Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little h*m* dog!

Shut up, dude!

Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?

[barks]

Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen.

He just needs some training, that's all.

Sit, Sparky.

Good boy. Now shake.

Good boy. Now don't be gay!

Don't be gay, Spark.

Don't be gay.

[grunts]

Did it work? I don't know.

He still looks pretty gay to me.

Hey, Stan, your dog been to any pride marches lately?

[laughing] Yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbra Streisand concert.

[laughing]

Stupid little gay dog. Gay dog.

Come on, you guys. I have an idea.

♪ ♪

I want $500 on the South Park cows.

Are you crazy?

No, sirree, I'm telling you, I got the line.

My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school's ever seen.

I guarantee they'll b*at the spread.

I'm gonna put all my money on the Cows.

I'll put $300 on the Cows too, if they guarantee...

Hey, I want to put some money on the cows too.

Whoa, whoa!

Don't get too carried away, now.

You better be right about this, Jimbo.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Uh, don't... Don't worry yourself.

Are you sure Stan is that good?

Well, not that sure.

I think we better come up with a backup plan.

Uh, let's see here.

Hey, bookie, what...

What's the halftime show gonna be?

You haven't heard?

John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing "Loving You".

I love that song.

"Loving you"? That's perfect.

Come on, Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a halftime show they'll never forget.

Okay, Sparky, we got you a present.

Now why don't... damn it, Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?

No pink bandana, Sparky.

Bad dog!

Now pay attention.

Sparky, this is Fifi.

Ooh la la!

There he goes.

Attaboy, Spark, get her!

Yes!

Ah, crap. Now what do I do?

Who cares if your dog is gay?

Maybe it's not that bad.

No way, dude, my mom says God hates gay people.

That's why he smote the sodomies in France.

[mumbling]

I know, Mr. Garrison said that h*m* are evil, but... but Sparky doesn't seem evil.

Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong.

You should ask somebody else.

Like who?

And now back to "Jesus and Pals" on South Park public access.

Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you, my children.

Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions.

Hello, caller, you're on the air.

Yeah, is... is this Jesus? Yes, my son.

This is Robert from Torrey Pines.

I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.

Of course, Robert. How are things now?

Everything is much better, Jesus.

She hasn't mouthed off since.

I just wanted to thank you for the advice.

Oh, and for... For dying for my sins too.

That was really nice of you.

Blessed art thou, Robert.

Next caller, you're on the air.

Uh, hi, Jesus?

I have a dog, and he's a...

He's a h*m*.

My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on h*m* is, so I'd like to state once and for all my true opinion. You see...

That's all the time we have left for "Jesus and Pals."

Now stay tuned for "Marty's Movie Reviews."

Damn it! What'd he say?

I got cut off for Marty's stupid movie reviews!

Oh, "Marty's Movie Reviews" are on? Kickass!

Isn't there anybody who can help me?

Isn't there anybody who cares?

Come on, dude, we have to get to practice.

No, it's not okay. I don't want a gay dog.

I want a butch dog. I want a Rin Tin Tin.

[sighs]

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

Now, children, we've got to handle the ball better.

You've got to hold your football like you would hold your lover.

Gently, yet firmly.

[funky music]

You want to be both nurturing and clinging at the same time.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Just like making sweet love to the football ♪

♪ Be naughty with the football ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

Uh, Chef? ♪ Spank it ♪

♪ Ever so gently ♪

Chef? ♪ Spank it ♪

Chef! Oh, uh, sorry, children.

Uh, let's run some plays.

Ah, Mr. Chef, sir?

No, Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.

Righto, but how about I'll use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without.

That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now, would it?

Oh, I... I guess not.

What we want to do here, Carl, is put a trigger on that b*mb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.

And what moment would that be?

Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing "Loving you" during halftime.

We want that b*mb to go off when he hits that high F.

What high F?

You know...

♪ Loving you ♪

♪ Is easy 'cause you're beautiful ♪

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

So you want the trigger on the "doot'n doo"?

No, damn it, the "Ahh"!

♪ Ahh ♪ ♪ Ahh ♪

[all singing]

Great. ♪ Doot'ndoot'n doo-doo ♪

♪ Ahh ♪ ♪ Doot'n doodoo ♪

You got it. ♪ Doot'ndoot'n doo-doo ♪

Both: ♪ Ahh ♪

All right. Yeah, okay.

What's the matter, Stan?

You seem down.

I just... I can't concentrate

'cause my dog is gay.

Well, you know what they say.

You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.

Oh, stop filling his head with that q*eer-loving propaganda.

Say what? You of all people should be sympathetic.

What do you mean? Well, you're gay, aren't you?

What? What the hell are you talking about?

I am not gay!

Well, you sure do act like it!

I just act that way to get chicks, dumb-ass.

What's the matter, dude?

I don't know where Sparky is.

He usually follows me to football practice.

Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants.

Ow!

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hello there, little pup!

I'm Big Gay Al.

Have you been outcast?

Well, then, I'm so glad you found my big gay animal sanctuary.

We're all big gay friends here.

Would you like to live with us?

Come on in, little fellow.

Nobody will ever oppress you here.

Have you guys seen Sparky?

He still hasn't come back.

Wow, it's been, like, two days.

I think he might have run away.

Did you check the shopping mall...

Ow! We'll help you look for him after the game, Stan.

I'm not playing. You what?

I'm not playing in that stupid game.

I have to find my dog.

Come on, Ned, keep quiet.

Okay.

Hello there, Enrique.

What are we doing here?

Well, Ned, we always kidnap Middle Park's mascot.

But this year, we're gonna booby-trap it instead, and when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You," boom!

No more Middle Park players.

[both laughing]

God damn, I love football!

Sparky, where are you?

Where could he be?

[marching band music]

[all cheering]

♪ ♪

Hello, everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park Public Radio, AM 900.

Welcome to tonight's matchup between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.

Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows' coach, is a little nervous.

This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.

Oh, come on, Stan.

Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?

No, Pip, I'm sorry!

Sparky!

Sparky!

Play ball!

You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.

But I never practiced quarterback.

It's a little late for that bullcrap now.

Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle "Broslovski."

Hey, hey, where's little Stanley?

Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?

Ned, look.

They've got Enrique on their sidelines.

And it looks like that b*mb is still attached.

Yay.

[wind whistling]

Hi, little fella, how are you doing today?

Fine, how are you?

I'm super, thanks for asking.

My gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here.

Well, let's see. Come on in.

Do you have lots of gay dogs here?

We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay AI's.

Over here we have a gay lion.

Roar.

And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds.

Here's a gaggle of gay gooses!

Hi, fellas, it's so super to see you!

Wow, it seems like the animals here are really happy.

Of course they are, silly buns!

It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves.

Do you like to dance?

[electronic music playing]

Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or something.

Ready? All: Break.

You guys are toast.

Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.

We'll just see about that!

Set, set...

[farting]

Damn it, Cartman!

What's the matter? Cartman farted!

No, I didn't! That was just my shoes.

Come on, Kyle, we'll get a delay of game penalty!

No way, dude! Hike the ball!

Oh, dude, weak.

That's right, you get back there.

Hike! The ball is snapped.

Middle Park blitzes.

[all shouting]

Fumble! Middle Park gets the ball.

They run it in for a touchdown!

The score is 7-0, Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.

Hells bells.

I haven't seen a b*ating like that since Rodney King!

Now, Frank, that's not very PC.

You're gonna get us in trouble again.

Right, right, I... I got to watch that.

If we lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you out to dry, Jimbo.

Don't y'all worry.

You just wait till halftime. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

Sparky!

Hiya, Sparky, how's it going?

[barks] I missed you, old pal.

You really had me scared.

[barks] Come on, let's go home.

I can still make it in time for the game.

We can work on making you not gay together.

♪ ♪

Sparky?

Young man, it appears you still don't understand.

What don't I understand?

Come this way.

I have to show you something.

With just over a minute to go in the half, the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows, zero.

[all screaming]

Oh, my! I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant!

Dude! Now, that is not cool.

Sorry, sorry.

Okay, Stan, I think you should get in line for my big gay boat ride.

Step aboard, Stanley.

[percussive music]

Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the big gay boat ride!

On this adventure, we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.

And the South Park Cows are set to receive.

There's the kick.

It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.

He's at the 50, the 40, the 30...

[all shouting]

The little running back is down!

I think he's... yes, he's been decapitated!

[gasps] Oh, my God, they k*lled Kenny!

You bastards!

That's got to hurt, Frank!

Ouch-eroo!

Hey, come on, that was roughing!

At least let us scrape him off the field!

Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna b*at the 72-point spread, not by a long sh*t.

You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time, from the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.

Uh-oh, look out, it's the oppressors!

Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!

[g*nsh*t]

Oh! Oh, gosh, that was close.

Okay, let's steer our big gay boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely.

All: ♪ We are gay and it's okay ♪

♪ 'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay ♪

♪ We're not sad anymore ♪

♪ 'Cause we're out the closet door ♪

♪ It's okay to be gay ♪

So what do you think, Stan?

This kicks ass.

I'm sorry I tried to change you, Spark.

I just didn't understand.

Isn't this precious?

And now here to sing the touching song

"Loving You" is the one and only, John Stamos' brother!

All right, Richard!

[piano music]

♪ Loving you ♪

♪ Is easy 'cause you're beautiful ♪

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

[off-key] ♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

What the hell?

He didn't sing the high F!

Richard Stamos can't sing a high F.

He always screws it up like this.

Ned, we are gonna get our asses kicked!

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!

Thanks for everything, Big Gay Al.

[barks] No problem, kids.

Are you sure you don't want to stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?

No thanks. I've got to get back for the big football game.

Come on, boy.

Oh, Stan... when you get back to town, tell them about us, will you?

Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.

I will, Big Gay Al.

I will.

Oh, my carrot cake.

And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park.

I haven't seen so many children molested since...

I thought you said b*ating the spread was a sure thing, Jimbo!

Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game!

You're a dead man, Jimbo!

Well, this should just about wrap it up for...

Wait a minute, what's this?

Yeah! Yoo-hoo!

It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback.

Where the hell have you been, Stan?

I've been getting my best friend back.

Just get in there, boy.

Give 'em hell, Stanley!

Jesus... now, I haven't asked you for much.

But all we need is one little score.

Please, please, Jesus.

Leave me alone.

Hike! Stan hikes the ball.

He steps back to pass.

Hey, Stan, I'm open I think.

And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.

Oh, my!

I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!

Dude!

Touchdown!

Yeah! Whoo!

The clock runs out, and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6.

South Park beats the spread.

Yeah! Yoo-hoo!

Speech!

Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?

Uh, it's really cool that we b*at the spread against the Cowboys.

Yeah, all right!

And maybe we can b*at 'em even more next year.

Whoo!

And it's okay to be gay.

What?

Being gay is just part of nature and a beautiful thing.

What the hell is he talking about?

Uh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game.

Where were you that whole time?

I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al.

He showed me his big gay animal sanctuary and took me on a big gay boat ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.

It's true. I'll show you.

But it was here. It was all right here.

There... there was a techno dance club.

Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup.

All right? Seriously.

I'm worried about you, man.

Oliver!

I thought you ran away all those months ago.

Sidney!

Willie!

Carlos!

I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.

Oh, there you are, dude. How's it going?

I'm super, thanks for asking.

It looks like now my work here is done.

Good-bye, Stanley. Peace be with you.

Wow!

[shimmering tone]

You guys, you guys! I can do it.

Do what?

♪ Loving you ♪

♪ Is easy 'cause you're beautiful ♪

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

Both: No!

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Now you're a man ♪

♪ A man, man, man ♪

♪ Now you're a man, man ♪

♪ Man, man, man, man, man ♪

♪ Now you're a man ♪

♪ M-A-N, man ♪

♪ Man, man, man, man ♪

♪ Now you're a man