01x06 - Death

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

All: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Grandpa ♪

[moans]

All: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Now, blow out the candles, Grandpa.

[wheezing]

All: Hooray!

How's it feel to be 102, Paps?

sh**t me! Make a wish, Grandpa.

I wish I were dead!

[laughs] That's our silly Grandpa.

I'm not being silly, k*ll me!

I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old!

Ooh, who wants ice cream with their cake?

Me. I will!

It's 8:00. My favorite TV show is on.

That show's for babies.

It's so stupid!

Can I eat my cake in the living room, Mom?

Please, can I?

Oh, all right.

But take your Grampy with you.

Ah, damn it! Language!

And now back to "Terrance and Phillip."

Hey, Terrance, I think I have to fart.

Wait, before you do, pull my thumb.

[both fart, laugh]

[moans]

[g*nsh*t] Ah, damn it!

How would you like to make a dollar, Billy?

My name's not Billy, Grandpa, it's Stan.

Damn it, Billy, do you want a dollar or don't you?

Sure. Okay.

You just have to do one thing for me.

I'm not gonna k*ll you, Grandpa.

Why not? 'Cause I'll get in trouble.

I k*lled my grandpa when I was your age!

Leave me alone, Grandpa.

[both fart, laugh]

What has America's youth come to?

Kids won't even k*ll their own grandparents!

♪ ♪

Hey, Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too.

[farts]

Oh! You farted!

[laughs]

Kyle, bubby, what are you watching?

Hey, Phillip, would you like a flower?

I sure would, Terrance.

All righty, then, here's a tulip.

[farts]

What is this? It's horrible!

Dude, it's "Terrance and Phillip."

Take that, you stupid d*ck.

What did he say?

You're an assh*le, Phillip.

Wh-wh-what?! [both laugh]

Young man, you are not to watch that show anymore.

It's immature toilet humor.

But everybody watches "Terrance and Phillip."

Oh, really? Is that so?

Oh, no, Phillip, looks like you're about to fart.

You're exactly right, Terrance.

[farts]

Oh, no!

[laughs] Sweet.

Eric, dear, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother.

She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty mouth.

That's a bunch of crap!

Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!

Oh. Okay, hon.

I'm not going to k*ll you, Grandpa!

Ingrate!

Good night, Grandpa!

You pompous son of a whore!

♪ ♪

Ow! What the hell was that for?

That's for your stupid mother!

She made me miss "Terrance and Phillip" last night.

Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?

Well, I didn't have her do it.

She did it on her own.

Why does this happen every month?

It seems like right about the same time every month Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it.

Children, children, a certain student's mother called me last night.

Ah, gee, I wonder whose mother that could've been.

She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called "Terrance and Phillip." [all giggling]

Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.

That's right, Mr. Hat.

Shows like "Terrance and Phillip" are what we call "toilet humor."

They don't expand your minds.

You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.

Kenny, why are you late to class?

Oh, okay, Kenny, be seated.

Now, as I was saying, the reason the parents of South Park are so upset is because...

Yes, Kenny, what is it? [mumbling]

I thought you just came from the bathroom.

[mumbles loudly]

Okay, okay, go ahead.

As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy the show even though it isn't based in reality.

There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. [loud diarrhea sounds]

And throughout history, there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air.

You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your mind with more intelligent entertainment.

Whoa! Smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny! Pay attention, children!

I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch "Terrance and Phillip" anymore ever.

What?

Not watch "Terrance and Phillip" ever?

That's right, children.

Are there any questions? Yes, Stanley?

Is it okay to k*ll somebody if they want you to?

Wh-what do you mean?

My grandpa keeps asking that I k*ll him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should.

Well, then, you should... I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna. Really?

Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Laborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get into any trouble at all.

Wow! Hey!

Maybe we can get him to k*ll Kyle's mom!

So is it okay to assist somebody with su1c1de, Mr. Garrison?

Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a 20-foot pole.

[mumbles loudly]

[diarrhea sounds]

[Kenny yells]

Man, I can't believe we're gonna miss

"Terrance and Phillip" today.

I think I'm already having withdrawal.

[moaning]

Don't worry, dude, we can all go watch it at my house.

My parents don't get home until late.

But won't your grandpa be there?

Yeah. Just k*ll him, dude.

Maybe he'll give you some money.

Hello there, children. Hey, Chef.

How's it going? Bad.

Why bad?

Chef, is it okay to k*ll your grandpa?

You can't k*ll my grandpa, Stan.

He's already passed on. No, I mean k*ll my grandpa.

No, I don't think that's okay, Stan.

In fact, I think that's illegal.

See, I told you, dude.

Well, yeah, but what if the grandpa wants to die

'cause he's really old and he's just asking for help?

Yeah, like assisted su1c1de, what about that?

I don't want to touch that with a 40-foot pole.

What's the big deal?

Why won't anybody talk about this?

And I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently.

I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean.

Hey, Phillip, guess what? What?

Fart. [farts]

Now, apparently, that's supposed to be funny.

[laughs] He farted right on his head.

Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough.

We need to boycott the entire network!

All those in favor?

[loud diarrhea]

Oh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning.

I've got the green apple splatters.

[all laughing] Heh, green apple splatters.

♪ ♪

[moans]

Hi, Grandpa, I brought my friends over to watch TV if that's okay.

Billy, help Grandpa stick this fork in the outlet!

No, Grandpa, I'll get in trouble.

k*ll me, God damn it!

No, I can't even k*ll a deer.

Well, then, have one of your little friends do it.

You can k*ll me, can't you?

I would never k*ll somebody.

Not unless they pissed me off.

Oh, is that a fact?

Well, let me tell you something, porky, your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.

What? That's right.

Grandpa!

And then I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her too. Hey!

Choice piece of ass, your great-grandma.

You piece of crap, I'll k*ll you!

That's the spirit, tubby!

C'mon, Cartman, he's just trying to get to you.

Don't talk about my mom like that!

We can go watch "Terrance and Phillip" in the kitchen.

I ever tell you about the time I boofed your dad, fatso?

Ah! I can't believe that son of a bitch!

Here, Cartman, have some Snacky Cakes.

Ooh, Snacky Cakes? Good deal.

I don't know what to do, dude.

My grandpa really wants to die.

I'm telling you, it's okay.

Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance.

Hey, yeah.

And now back to "Jesus and Pals"

On South Park public access.

Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.

First caller, you're on "Jesus and Pals."

Yeah, is this Jesus? [feedback whines]

Yes, caller, you need to turn your TV down.

That's why you're getting that weird feedback.

Oh, sorry. This is Martin.

Martin from Aspen Park, yes, I know.

How the hell'd you know that?

Well, maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac.

Now, do you have a question?

Uh, yeah, I have this cousin who cheated on the SATs...

Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong no matter what the circumstance.

Oh. Okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus.

Next caller, you're on the air.

Jesus? Yes, my son?

Jesus, is it okay to k*ll somebody if they ask you to because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted su1c1de, is that okay?

My son... Yes?

I'm not touching that with a 60-foot pole.

Next caller.

God damn it! I heard that.

What the hell is wrong with everybody?

Hey, you guys!

"Terrance and Phillip" is on! Yeah!

Hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it?

Kyle, don't be such a butthole.

Yeah, just 'cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer.

Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

A. Bitch.

Your mom is a b-b-b-bitch.

And now back to "Terrance and Phillip."

Hey, Phillip, would you like to eat some beans?

Oh, yeah, I love beans!

Uh-oh, I bet I know what's coming.

Billy, would you mind holding this for Grandpa, please?

Okay, Grandpa, okay, just, get out of the way of the TV.

Hey, Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart.

Well, don't fart on me, Terrance.

Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again!

[mumbles loudly]

Hey, you're gonna miss it, Kenny!

You're such an assh*le, Terrance!

That's right, I am!

[laughter]

[exploding diarrhea]

[moans]

Hurry up, Kenny, you're gonna miss the fart!

Jesus, what the hell are you doing?

We're not watching "Terrance and Phillip," I swear.

I mean, Cartman was watching it.

No, I mean what the hell are you doing to Grandpa?

♪ ♪

Tug a little harder, Billy.

Ah! You little jerk!

You were trying to k*ll Grandpa!

I'm telling Mom!

Damn it, I was so close.

Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously m*rder an innocent grandfather.

Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge?

What changed you into such demonic little bastards?

We didn't know what we were doing.

We were just sitting there watching

"Terrance and Phillip," and...

"Terrance and Phillip"? Aha!

So it is that show that is to blame.

These boys' minds have been tainted by the garbage on television that they see, and we are fed up!

Huh?

Oh, God, oh, God!

We have to stop this smut from going on the air!

We will march to the network and protest until our demands are met.

New York, here we come!

[cheers and applause] [loud diarrhea]

We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television for our children!

[cheers and applause]

We want more quality television, like "Full House"!

[cheers and applause]

Ugh, I think you gave me the stomach flu, Mr. Garrison.

No, no, it was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me.

Whoa, Mayor, you, uh, making gravy in there?

I just had a brown baby boy.

[both laugh]

♪ ♪

Dude, this is sweet not having parents around.

Yeah, I hope they protest TV shows forever.

Whoopee!

C'mere, Billy.

I wanna show you something.

Aw, do I have to?

Yes, you do, you little pecker!

I realized that the reason you won't k*ll me is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy.

But now I found a way to show you what it feels like to be Grandpa.

Hey, what are you doing?

What are they doing in there?

I don't know.

Now you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me.

Are you ready, Billy?

I-I guess.

[Enya's "Orinoco Flow" plays]

♪ ♪

Okay, you can let me out now.

Not just yet.

Let me out, Grandpa!

I can't take it anymore!

This music is terrible!

It's-it's cheesy but lame and eerily soothing at the same time!

That's it! Now you know what it feels like to be Grandpa!

♪ ♪

Grandpa, I had no idea how bad it was for you.

Now I understand.

So now will you k*ll me, Billy?

Sure I will, Grandpa. I will.

[sighs] It doesn't look like our protest is working.

It'll work. It has to.

Look, it's the president of the network.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warsog.

I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.

[clearing throat]

[bleep] you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.

Hey! You will not get away with this!

[crowd gasping]

That does it!

No more Mr. Nice Protesters!

It's time for plan B.

Ooh, Carol, where are the porta-potties?

Over there, hon... What, do you need to drop some friends off at the pool?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

[both laugh]

Okay, Grandpa, all you have to do is sit there.

We'll do the rest.

You got the cow all tied up?

Yep, all done.

Okay, c'mon, guys.

[all grunt]

Why don't we just sh**t him?

You dumb-ass, Cartman.

It has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted.

Yeah, stupid.

That's good, Billy.

Little higher, now.

[cow moos]

The network is not taking us seriously.

In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same!

Ready?

Mr. McKormick, you shall be a martyr to us all.

Godspeed.

We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds!

Launch!

[drumroll]

[grunts] [gasps]

We will all follow suit one by one if that's what it takes!

[all moaning in pain]

Are you ready, Grandpa?

Does the pope crap in the woods?

[indistinct radio chatter]

[suspenseful music]

[cow moos]

♪ ♪

Carry on. [engine turns over]

Okay, here we go.

Bye, Grandpa, it was nice knowing you.

Cut the damn rope already!

[thunder crackles] Whoa, what is that?

Whoa, it-it looks like Death!

[moans]

It's about time, you lazy-ass son of a whore!

C'mon, let's go!

What the...

Hey, he's coming towards us.

Why is Death coming after us?

[moans]

[children screaming]

Ah! Ah!

Help! Run, run, run!

[moans]

What are we gonna do?

[Death shrieks]

As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to slingshot their bodies into the side of the Toon Central building.

Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors.

Here, Carol, I think it's your boy.

Oh, thanks.

What is it, Stanley, hon?

Did you break something?

Mom, Death is here, and he's trying to take us all away with him!

Stanley, honey, you need to leave Mommy alone.

I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there.

Yeah, but Mom!

Here, honey, talk to your father.

Did you turn the heat down?

Dad, Death is coming...

Keep the thermostat under 70.

Take care of your grandfather.

[Death shrieks]

Damn it! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place.

Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids.

[mumbling]

Totally, dude. Good point, man.

[shrieks] Ah!

Quick! Jump through the window!

♪ ♪

[Cartman grunts] [Death shrieks]

Come back here, you pompous son of a pansy!

All: Ah! Don't let him touch you!

You die if he touches you!

I'm over here, you son of a whore!

♪ ♪

Oh, Terrance?

What color is the wind?

Hmm, I don't know, why don't you check?

[farts] [both laugh]

Oh, you farted!

[laughing]

Hey, Phillip, you know what my spacesuit smells like?

No, Terrance, why don't you tell me?

Well, it smells like a dirty fart.

[both laugh]

[laughing]

Hey, look!

[laughing]

[farts] Oh, there's one!

[all laughing]

Hours have passed, and still, the die-hard South Park parents are k*lling themselves in front of the Toon Central building one by one.

Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is... wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement.

Wait, wait.

Ladies and gentlemen, your n*zi-ass tactics of trying to stink us out with your rancid feces... has worked.

[flies buzzing] Therefore, today, we will officially be taking

"Terrance and Phillip" off the network and replacing it with reruns of "She's the Sheriff," starring Suzanne Somers. [cheers and applause]

Now, get away from here, and take your diarrhea with you!

[cheers and applause]

Huh?

Now, at last, we can return to normality.

Hey, Phillip? Yes, Terrance?

Is there a penny stuck in my butt?

I don't know, Terrance, let me check.

Uh-oh, don't look there, Phillip.

You're gonna get farted on.

We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

[static sizzles]

[groaning]

Ah!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, they k*lled Kenny! You bastard!

Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time.

Hey, you were supposed to k*ll me!

[moans] That's not fair, God damn it!

My grandpa asked me to k*ll him and I did it!

♪ ♪

Whoa!

Billy...

Grandpa?

That's right, Billy.

My name's not Billy, Grandpa.

And what's wrong with you?

Why do you look all haggard?

I asked you to k*ll me, Billy.

But I was wrong, and now I'm forced to spend eternity in limbo.

Limbo?

I was wrong to put you in that position, Billy.

Just like you're wrong to put little Billy in it now.

You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his.

You must wait to die of natural causes.

But I've been waiting for 25 years!

Let nature run its course, or else end up in limbo!

Natural causes, Billy.

Natural causes...

[eerie whistling]

C'mon, you guys, let's go home.

♪ ♪

Here they are. Well, we did it, son.

We fought a battle for your well-being and won.

What do you mean?

We got "Terrance and Phillip" taken off the air.

You son of a bitch! Your mom sucks!

But look what they put on.

And now back to "She's the Sheriff."

No! God, no!

You were the one behind all these shenanigans!

Yeah, well, you're the stupid ho that started it.

What did he say?

Up yours, butt-munch!

Wh-wh-what?!

C'mon, everybody, back to New York!

Hey, Stan, now that "Terrance and Phillip" has been taken off the air, what are we gonna do for entertainment?

I don't know, we-we could start breathing gas fumes.

My uncle says that smoking cr*ck is kinda cool.

Hey, why don't we go watch some of those p*rn movie thingies?

Cool! Yeah!

What are you doing, Grandpa?

I'm planning a trip to Africa.

Did you know over 400 people are eaten naturally by lions in Africa every year?

That's my silly Grandpa.

[both laugh]

[farts] Oh!

[laughter]