01x07 - Pinkeye

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

[celestial music]

[speaking Russian]

Graah! Aieee!

[speaking Russian]

[alarm blaring]

[smash]

Oh, my God, they k*lled Kenny!

You bastards!

What the hell is that thing?

It looks like a UFO.

There's no such thing as UFOs.

[sirens]

Let's get him to the morgue.

Hey, wait till you guys see my Halloween costume tomorrow. It kicks ass.

Dude, it can't be cooler than mine.

Hey, man, we ought to get home and get our Costumes ready.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.

Oh, man, I know what you mean.

Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?

I don't know, it just makes everything taste so...

English.

Well, let's let him drain.

[ominous music]

So then the necrophiliac says, "If this ain't a cadaver, then I..."

Hey! Argh!

God damn, that little turd bit me!

Me too!

[owl hooting]

[twangy music]

[laughs] You look like a pansy.

Shut up, Kyle!

What... what are you supposed to be?!

I'm Raggedy Andy.

[laughs] Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy, dude?

Wendy's going as Raggedy Anne.

And she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure.

No way, dude.

I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume!

Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy.

Wow, cool!

Hey, dudes.

Cartman, what kind of costume is that?

It's Adolph h*tler costume.

Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

Where'd you get that?

My mom made it. Isn't it cool?

No, it's not cool!

What are you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?

No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat ass!

Oh. Wow.

You look pretty cool.

[laughter]

Sissy.

I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

Oh, look out! Holly Hobby's all pissed off.

Hey, look. Kenny's not dead.

You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny.

Yeah, what's the matter?

Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?

Yeah, why is your family so poor, Kenny?

Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

[laughs]

I said, your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage, Kenny!

I'm talking to you, Kenny! Achtung!

Poor piece of crap.

Come on, we're running late!

Ah, we're always running late, you ugly skank.

What did you say?!

I said I can't wait to own a fishing t*nk.

Oh. Neither can I.

Very interesting. Whwhat is it, doc?

Well, your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your... your eyes are all puffy and sticky.

Oh, no. You mean...

Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have pinkeye.

[both gasp]

I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't want to touch you.

Oh, I'm so hungry and all I can think about eating is... is brains!

Yeah, well, for God's sake don't touch your eyes.

I'll prescribe some antibiotics.

Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume.

They're gonna be so jealous.

Whoa, dude. Everyone came as Chewbacca?!

It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year, Kyle.

Rar.

Damn it!

Wendy? Hi, Stan.

You said we were going to be Raggedy Anne and Andy.

Remember? Yeah.

We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair.

I know, but then I guess I just realized how stupid we would look. You what?!

I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so I came as Chewbacca.

[laughter] Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss.

Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend?

[laughter]

Hey, you see? All of a sudden my costume is pretty badass, huh?

Dude, dressing up like h*tler is not badass.

You're just jealous.

Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!

Wookies don't live on Endor!

Mimi ma mi mo momo!

Well at least my mom's not on the cover of cr*ck Whore Magazine!

What? What did you say?!

Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats.

Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer Jackie Collins.

You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel...

Ew!

Is there a problem, Kenny?

Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?

I'm never gonna win that two tons of candy looking like everybody else.

♪ Ooh, I'm gonna decorate the house for Halloween ♪

♪ With scary ghosts and bats and creepy crawly things ♪

Hello, there. Happy Halloween.

Must... eat... brains.

Brains!

♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♪

[humming]

I'm gonna make a new costume during recess.

I can still win that candy.

Hey, Kenny.

Are you gonna eat your pudding?

"No, Eric, go ahead and take my pudding if you like."

Why, thank you, Kenny.

How nice of you.

Aren't you hungry, Kenny?

He hasn't moved an inch or said anything.

Hello, children.

Both: Hey, Chef.

What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?

Eating Kenny's pudding.

Hello there, children.

Oh, love the Elvis costume, Chef.

Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel!

Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?

Why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?

Anyway, I hope that you kids are...

Aaagh!

Eric! God bless it.

What do you think you're doing?

Hey, he said I could have his pudding.

Ask him yourself.

"That's right, Principal Victoria.

It's okay with me, 'cause Eric is cool."

Where did you get that costume, young man?

My mom made it.

Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Shh! Oh, God bless America.

You get into my office before anyone else sees you.

I have to show you an educational video.

[whimpers] I don't want to see an educational video.

Ow! You bit my arm!

Oh, good. Kenny's back to normal.

Watch the video, Eric.

Adolf h*tler was a very, very naughty man.

[speaking German]

[speaking German]

So remember, kids, dressing up like h*tler in school isn't cool.

Now, do you have any questions?

Can I see that again? That was cool.

You must remove that costume immediately.

I can't. I have to win those two tons of candy.

Well, how about we make you a new costume?

Let's see now.

Aha. Thought of something.

How about we make you a nice, scary ghost costume?

I don't want to be a stupid scary ghost.

And let me just make a few quickie alterations, and there you go, young man.

Oh, looks like they got a touch of that pinkeye that's going around.

[groaning]

[screaming]

Boo. I'm a ghost.

Oh, man, I feel like a total chode.

Aw, come on, Stan.

Maybe that's just because you look like a total chode.

Hello, children.

Hey, Chef.

[screams]

Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?

Hey, where's Kyle?

Check this out.

Whoa, dude.

What is that?

I'm the whole solar system.

The planets even all revolve the right way.

That tub of candy is as good as mine.

[blows whistle] Okay, children.

Let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes.

Children, this year we have a celebrity judge: the star of "Family Ties," Miss Tina Yothers.

[applause] Who?

Dude, I thought she was dead.

Yeah, me too.

Thank you, Miss Yothers.

Okay, the second-place award for best costume goes to...

Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume!

[applause]

And the award for the very best costume goes to...

Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume.

What?! But she looks just like everybody else.

Up yours, Tina Yothers!

And the award for worst costume this year goes to...

Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume.

Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.

[laughter] Yeah.

Thanks a lot, Wendy.

You ruined my Halloween.

Relax, Stan.

You'll feel better once we're out trick-or-treating.

I don't want to trick-or-treat with you!

You lied to me! Okay, children, let's all gather round and bob for stupid apples now.

You go first, Bebe.

That's good. Just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.

Brains!

[growling]

Wait your turn, Clyde!

[howls]

Argh! Damn, Johnson.

What the hell has gotten into you?

Piiinnnkkk... eyyeee...

Get the hell out of here, Johnson!

I don't want no g*dd*mn pinkeye!

And the President responded to the incident by saying, quote, "Screw those commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station."

In other news, a pinkeye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park.

Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini.

Thanks, Tom. Already more than half the townspeople here in South Park have been infected with the pinkeye virus.

[snarling] [screams]

Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions, blood pressure, lung activity, and of course, sticky, puffy, eyes.

Pinkeye my ass.

I've seen this kind of thing before.

Where the hell is Kyle?

We don't have all night to wait for him.

I bet I get more candy than you, dude.

Are you crazy?

I'm the Candy Master!

No, no, you're the Ass Master.

There's a difference.

Hey! I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstockings!

Oh, yeah? Well at least my mom's not on the cover of cr*ck Whore Magazine.

Goddammit! My mom is not on the cover of cr*ck Whore Magazine!

Hey, dudes. Oh, good, you're here.

Now, let's make sure we've got everything.

Flashlight? Check.

Plastic pumpkin pails? Check.

Taser? What's that?

For shocking people who try to give us granola treats or something.

Yeah, granola pisses me off.

[together] Hey, Kenny.

Whew! You stink, Kenny!

You still didn't get a costume, Kenny?

Eh, too bad drinking Scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.

I said your dad would be a millionaire, Kenny!

Kenny! Your family is poor, Kenny!

Your family's poor!

I don't like Kenny anymore.

He just doesn't communicate.

Hi, guys. Hi, Wendy.

How's your barrel full of candy, Wendy?

Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff.

I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi.

You what?! Are you insane?!

Let's go trick-or-treats!

I don't think so, Wendy.

I think you've had enough candy for one day.

Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy.

Please don't be mad.

How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?

Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!

But Stan... No buts, Wendy.

I wish you were dead!

[groaning]

[screams]

[coughs]

Doctor! Why hello, Chef.

Let me guess... pinkeye, right?

No. No, Doctor.

I've seen this type of thing before.

This ain't no pinkeye. It's the Living Dead.

What the hell are you talking about?

Think about it.

Dead people getting up and walking around... and Tina Yothers come to town?

Coincidence? Oh, I don't think so.

Chef, I think maybe the pinkeye has made you a little delirious.

Let me give you some topical cream.

Damn it, don't you see?

These people have been zombified!

They got no heartbeat, no feeling...

I'll show you.

[screams]

Uh, Mr. Torres was here for a routine checkup, Chef.

Oh, sorry.

But my point is that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here!

Hey now, now there have been a lot of incredible advances in topical creams over the last few years.

Doctor, who was the first person to come in here with the sickness?

Well, uh, it was the mortician and his assistant at the morgue, yeah.

[screams]

[all growling]

Now, now, fellas, let's form a line.

I've got enough topical cream for everybody.

[screams]

[together] Trick-or-treat!

Oh, how cute.

[screams] Dude, Kenny!

Oh, my God! Call 911!

Call 911! Nice going, Kenny.

She was about to give us candy!

Yeah! She had Sweetie Pops!

You owe me a Sweetie Pop, assh*le!

Mayor, we've got a big problem.

[gasps] Why-why Chef, what a surprise.

You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.

Actually, uh...

Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.

Not a thingy-dingy.

I don't really give a crap.

We've got to do something about the Living Dead!

You mean Tina Yothers?

[laughter]

No, dammit! I'm talking about the zombies that have taken over South Park!

Well, Evel Knievel, why don't you jump over them with your rocket cycle?

[laughter]

Aw, to hell with you both!

Well, let's get back to it. Rightyo.

[doorbell chimes] [together] Trick-or-treat!

Hope you kids like chocolate peanut butter cream puffies.

[screams] Get it off! Get it off me!

[screams]

[munching]

Dammit! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!

Yeah! That's it, Kenny!

You can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!

[overlapping screams] man: Oh, God!

[doorbell chimes]

[together] Trick-or-treat.

Hey, they're all dressed up like ghosts too.

One Tootie bar? You cheap bastards!

[overlapping screams] [car alarm blaring]

[doorbell chimes]

[together] Trick-or... aaargh!

Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!

[together] No, Chef, No!

Oh, sorry children, I thought you were one of them!

Can we have some candy now, please?

Dammit boy, what the hell are you doing dressed up like that?

I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!

Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.

Now get in here before those zombies get you.

What are you talking about, Chef?

Zombies, children. South Park is overrun with the Living Dead.

Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?

Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps eating people's brains.

Don't you children see?

Kenny's turned into a zombie, along with everyone else in town.

Oh, my God. That means...

If everyone has turned into zombies...

Then there won't be anyone to give us candy!

[all gasp] [screams]

Chef! You've got to help us!

I'm working on it, children.

Wait, where are we going?

The doctor said the first people he treated were the mortician and his assistant.

Now, I've got a hunch we'll get to the bottom of this at the morgue.

[ominous music]

[flatulence]

[laughter] It was Kyle.

I don't know about this, Chef.

Yeah, I'm scared.

Remember candy. Focus on the candy.

What are we doing here, Chef?

Just look for anything suspicious.

I found it! I found it!

What? See, Cartman?

Your mom is on the cover.

[sputtering] We told you, dude.

[sputtering]

You better let me take that, Kyle.

Hey, Chef, look.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

I got to call this hotline number, children.

Piiink eyyyeee.

It's the British kid!

He's a little limey zombie now!

[screams]

Look out, children!

[overlapping moans]

[extended growl]

Ow! Oh, God!

Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!

Chef?

Chef!

[funky music]

♪ I'm gonna make love ♪

♪ Even when I'm dead ♪

♪ My body might get cold ♪

♪ But it's always hot in my bed ♪

♪ Make love ♪

♪ Don't you be afraid ♪

♪ Just because my heart ain't b*ating ♪

♪ It don't mean you won't get laid ♪

♪ Yee-hee! ♪

Let's get out of here!

Ohhhh!

We gotta call that Worcestershire sauce hotline!

Hey, there's a payphone!

You call the number, Kyle.

But the zombies are coming!

[moans]

We'll hold them off.

Welcome to the Worcestershire sauce customer service hotline.

For Worcestershire sauce recipes, please press 1 followed by the pound sign.

For Worcestershire sauce product placement, please press 2.

If Worcestershire sauce has been used as embalming, please press... [beep]

Nobody screws up my trick-or-treats and gets away with it!

[saw buzzing] Yeah, cool!

Sweet!

Worcestershire sauce emergency hotline.

This call might be monitored to ensure you the highest quality service.

How may I help you?

There's a bunch of zombies here!

Please hold.

[saws buzzing]

Wendy?

[snarls]

Finish her, dude. She's a zombie now.

I know, but...

But... Come on, Stan!

Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest?

Hey, yeah!

With the regular sauce, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you do not just go out and start decapitating zombies left and right, do you understand?

Do not start decapitating zombies left and right!

Uh, okay. Then what?

[shrieks]

Wendy, I know we had a fight, and I did wish you were dead, but I didn't mean it. k*ll her, Stan!

All you have to do is k*ll the original zombie, the one that started the whole mess.

Once you k*ll the original zombie, all the other zombies will turn back to normal.

Original zombie?

Well, how the hell do we know who the original zombie is?

We realize you have a choice in Worcestershire sauces.

We are delighted that... [click]

Wait a minute.

That thing landed on Kenny.

And they took him to the mortuary.

[howling]

I... I can't.

[snarling]

[grinding]

Oh, my God! I k*lled Kenny!

You bastard!

Oh... What happened?

Stan? Don't worry, babe.

Everything's gonna be okay.

It's working. They're turning back to normal.

You did it, children!

Okay, let's go trick-or-treating now.

Come on.

I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that, Stan.

I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings.

That's okay, Wendy. I'm sorry I wished you were dead.

Maybe we could actually kiss tonight, Stan.

[tender music]

[retches] Ew, gross, Stan!

Sick! Barf is gross!

[melancholy music]

Oh, man. I can't believe he's gone.

Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us.

Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chainsaw.

Let us remember the good times.

Kenny would have wanted it that way.

[weeping]

You know, I've really learned something today.

Halloween isn't about costumes or candy.

It's about being good to one another and giving and loving.

No, dude, that's Christmas.

Oh. Then what's Halloween about?

Costumes and candy. Oh.

[weeping]

Well, let's get home and start eating that candy.

We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom!

Yeah. Knock it off, you guys!

She said she was young and needed the money!

Cartman, those pictures were taken, like, last month.

[sputtering] Screw you guys!

♪ ♪

[ominous music]

[roars]

Ugh!