01x08 - Starvin' Marvin

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

[all laughing]

That was awesome! Yeah!

Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?

Get out of the way, mom!

The "Terrance and Phillip" Thanksgiving Special is on.

Sure, hon.

And yeah, we want Cheesy Poofs!

Hey, Terrance, looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony.

It sure does, Phillip.

No one will oppress our religion here.

[farts]

[both laughing]

You stained my pilgrim hat, butt-pipe!

Did you guys see that? That was sweet.

Coming up next on the "Terrance and Phillip"

Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance and laughs.

Oh, cool.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Here in the heart of Africa, children are dying.

Not from disease or w*r, but from hunger.

I'm Sally Struthers.

These children are in desperate need, and only you can help.

Hey, who's that fat chick?

Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on "Full House."

Oh.

You see, here, in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce.

Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.

Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.

Yeah. Hey!

For just $5 a month, you can sponsor a child.

That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?

Sponsor now, and we'll also send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.

Kick ass!

Sweet! Whoohoo!

I'll call... I know my mom's credit card number.

Did they say if it's waterproof?

Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?

Oh. What did she say?

Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.

Ass-rammer. Yeah? Yeah.

We want to adopt a starving Ether-nopian.

When do we get the sports watch?

Just a second fat-ass! You vasdeferens!

Hello? No, no, it's a ma...

Vas-deferens?

[muffled speech] Oh.

Ask her if we get the watch right away.

Do we get the sports watch right away?

She says we do. All: Cool.

I get to wear it first, you guys.

I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.

Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said.

Children, children! To honor this special time of year, we'll be doing a canned food drive.

Does anybody know what a canned food drive is?

Yes, Eric?

When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?

No, that's a Caesarian Section, Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.

You mean, like Kenny? Exactly.

Mr. Garrison?

Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?

I don't know, Eric, they just do.

[sniffs]

Now, children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food.

And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people.

I'm not bringing in food for poor people, screw them!

Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?

Hey you guys, do you hear something?

I... I think I hear the flower children calling!

This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!

Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?

What about the poor houses that I pay for?

Many would rather die than go to those places!

Well then, perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population!

Okay, kids, that's enough Dickens for one day.

Let's get on with our lesson, right, Mr. Hat?

That's right, Mr. Garrison, Englebert Humperdink was the first person on the moon. Who was the second?

[gobbling]

Aaaah!

What the hell is going on? Aaaah!

[gobbling continues]

Well, you don't see that every day.

Okay, now, once we have all the canned foods collected, we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor.

It should be something festive.

Mayor, we've got a very big problem.

Ah, you're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right?

Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake.

I was trying to genetically engineer turkeys for Thanksgiving.

Uh-huh.

You know, to provide food for the needy.

Of course.

Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free.

And the worst part is, they're really pissed off.

Naturally. Oh, do go on.

We have to stop them or... or they could destroy everything.

Time is short.

[cuckoo clock dings] You were saying?

They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil.

Oh, my!

[donkey brays]

Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Now why would you say that?

All: Did it come? Did it come? Is it here yet?

I get to use it first, you guys!

Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?

Not yet, hon.

Damn. Hey, look, you guys.

And now, back to Part 2 of the "Terrance and Phillip"

Thanksgiving Special.

I sure am cold, Phillip.

Yes, and hungry too.

Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass.

Gosh, I hope we don't starve.

[high-pitched fart]

Ah, a squeaker! [laughter]

[doorbell rings] [knock on door]

The digital sports watch is here!

What the hell?

Dude, that's not a digital sports watch.

Hey, it looks like one of those Ether-opians.

Oh, man, they must have accidentally sent him instead of the sports watch.

Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid.

[clicking and vocalizing]

Whoa! That was cool.

Yeah, how did he make those clicking sounds?

What's your name dude? [clicks] Mabin.

I think he said his name is Marvin.

Yeah, Starvin' Marvin.

Nice to meet you, Starvin' Marvin.

Hey, mom? Yes, hon?

We found a Ether-opian, can we keep him?

Sure, hon. Sweet.

Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow.

Come on, Starvin' Marvin, I want you to meet my little brother.

No, no! He's my son! I adopted him.

It was my mom's credit card.

Okay, okay, we'll switch off.

Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week, then at Stan's, then with me.

Yeah, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor.

Totally. Ahh!

[soft music]

Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond.

It's so beautiful.

Not as beautiful as you. [sighs romantically]

[distant gobbling]

Oh, darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys.

Oh, they're so beautiful. Not as beautiful as you.

Look at the way they foam at the mouth, like beautiful suds of beer. Not as beautiful as

[screaming]

This is a great way for you to experience America, Starvin' Marvin.

This is what we call an 'all you can eat buffet.

Yeah, here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99.

That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family, 'cause to them, $6.99 is two years' income.

[laughter]

Why is your family poor, Starvin' Marvin?

Is your dad an alcoholic too?

You see, Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call appetizers.

Ap-ee-tizer.

This is what you eat before you eat, to make you more hungry.

Well, food is here, that's it for the appetizers.

No, Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie.

Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share. Oh yeah, you're right.

Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler?

No, you don't want all that. Why don't you share it with me?

Just shove it on over here.

Let me just have some of that, huh?

Children, children!

I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit.

Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive.

And can't we do a little better than creamed corn... creamed corn... and... creamed corn?

Please bring in more diverse food, children, or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

[laughing] Corny. Gravy.

Corny Thanksgiving, hoo!

[laughs]

Anyway, children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell.

All: Yeah, yeah, we do!

All right, boys, show us what you've brought.

This is our new Ether-nopian, Starvin' Marvin.

He can do really cool stuff with his voice.

Show 'em, Starvin' Marvin.

No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn.

No, Starvin' Marvin, that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!

Boys, what the hell are you doing?

This is horribly, horribly wrong.

How did you get this child?

He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch.

The sports watch from the commercial?

Yeah, that one. I want a Starvin' Marvin.

Me too. Yes, I'll pay $50 for one.

[overlapping chatter]

Boys, you're too young to take care of a child.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned.

Ah, I told you we shouldn't have brought him to school dude.

Okay, thank you very much.

Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now.

Now, boys, I hope you've learned your lesson.

No.

You can't care for this child!

But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving.

Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's lives.

You're supposed to just send money, and once in a while they write you a letter.

You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like South Park.

So why can't he live here now?

Because he can't! Because why?

Because eight year olds can't be parents!

Then you take care of him.

I can't. I... Umm, I'm very busy.

I send my $5 a month, see?

This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend.

Oh well, back to the poor country with you.

You better watch what you say, Cartman!

You might be poor and hungry some day.

[chuckling] Yeah, right.

[crickets chirping]

I knew that you were the only person who would listen to me, Chef.

Yeah, well, let's get it over with.

This place gives me the Bubujeebies.

Look here in my microscope. Tell me what you see.

Uhh, I see an extreme close-up of Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.

Oh, whoops.

Now tell me what you see.

Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA.

Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing.

What does it mean?

Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate.

If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town.

Maybe the world. Oh, fudge!

Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again.

Sure.

Hello there, little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Teiko sports watch.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Hey, let go of me! Hey!

Hey! I'll kick you in the nuts. Okay, man?

Here's your sports watch, son, sorry for the mix-up.

Hey! Hey, seriously!

Hey, you're pissing me off!

[door closes] Sweet.

So how does this thing work?

Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab, but instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule.

The pov inside catches as many as he can to feed his family.

Pov? Poverty stricken citizen.

Oh-ho-ho, brilliant.

[gobbling]

[screams] What the hell is this?

I don't know, mayor, I don't think it's listed on the program.

They're increasing in number, mayor.

These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.

[stammering] It's true mayor!

Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!

Whoa!

You won't get away with this, you bastards!

Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!

Okay, people, don't panic! Bring out the defense squad!

[g*nf*re] [gobbling]

We need more than that!

They'll only come back in increased numbers!

["Terrance and Phillip" music]

Hey, Phillip, could you pass the beans?

Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be at w*r with these Indians soon.

[grunts] Wait, wait, wait.

[straining] Here it comes.

[farts]

Aaaaah, I crapped in my pants!

Aaaah! [laughter]

I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf.

[laughter] I spattered his face!

Now he's a smelly Indian! [laughter]

We'll be back to part 14 of the "Terrance and Phillip"

Thanksgiving Special, right after this.

Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight.

These children desperately need your support.

Hey, somebody get me out of here!

This sucks! So please, call and adopt a child today.

I'm seriously getting pissed off over here!!

You want some more Cheesy Poofs, hon?

Ya, I won da Cheesy Poof.

Okay. Sweet.

This is serious bull[bleep]!

There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere.

Excuse me, I am a lost little boy... Could you help me?

Well, screw you too!

What the... Who the hell let all these flies in here?

Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?

All right, everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, where's Cartman?

I don't know. Do you know where he is, Marvin?

Looks like we have the turkey problem under control.

It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab.

[cheers and applause]

Come on, hurry up.

Grab a lot son.

Happy happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip!

[machine whirring]

Come on, grab those cans, little boy!

Both: Come on, Kenny! Come on, son!

Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family.

It looks like he got a... A can of string beans!

[cheers and applause]

[distant gobbling]

What the...

Dude, the mutant turkeys are back!

[gobbling]

[all screaming]

Okay people, move along, nothing to see here, you looky-loos.

I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.

Gather around everybody, and listen good.

Go to your homes and arm your...

What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?

That's not important right now.

No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be?

It doesn't look like anything.

Chef, the turkeys! Oh, All right.

Listen up everybody, and listen good.

Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can.

We'll meet back here in 15 minutes. Hurry!

We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys.

[grunts] You guys, seriously, I'm hungry.

I have to eat.

Ah, sweet! The Red Cross!

I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please.

Sorry, kid, but we're out of food.

We ran out of funding.

What? We just didn't get enough sponsors back home, so now we've got to pack it up.

But I'm not a starving Ethiopian!

I have to get back home too!

Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds.

Here, have a Teiko sports watch.

[tires squeal]

Weak!

People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys.

There's too many of them.

Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?

We can't stop them.

[horse whinnies]

Today, you fight for your city!

You fight for your honor!

These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us!

These fudged-up turkeys from the the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take our freedom!

[cheers and applause]

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

[gobbling intensely]

[continues gobbling]

[gobbles intensely]

[all gobbling]

[cheering]

Here you go, turkeys!

[overlapping battlecries and gobbling]

Does my hair look okay?

[bird squawks] [gasping]

Can't go on... need... appetizer...

I'm sorry, God! I'm sorry I mocked poor people.

I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive.

Please, please, God. [grunts]

[wind blowing]

My god has forsaken me.

[gasps]

[grunts]

Huh, I wonder what's in here?

[triumphant music]

Snacky Cakes! Mmmm!

[slurping]

Sally Struthers? Who the hell are you?

Give me that cake! No, this is my cake!

No, Sally Struthers, you give me that cake!

No! You can't have any!

No, Sally Struthers, that's my cake!

[screaming indistinctly]

You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!

Uh-oh. [smacking]

[overlapping battlecries and gobbling]

Ahhh! [grunting]

[g*nf*re]

[yells indistinctly]

Stay close, children.

[turkey squawks]

[all cheering]

[muffled speech]

[screaming] [angry gobbling]

[grunts]

Oh, my God, they've k*lled Kenny!

You bastards!

The last three are getting away, sh**t 'em, Ned!

[g*nf*re and squawks]

We did it! My God, what have we done?

We've saved Thanksgiving.

But all those poor turkeys, they're... they're all dead.

Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives.

As horrible as they were, they... they felt like a part of me.

Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations, perhaps I should just... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch.

Have you seen anyone fitting this description.

Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town, mister.

There you are. Are you ready to go home now?

[soft music]

[music continues]

Wow, it sucks he has to leave.

Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman.

You know, I think I've learned something today.

It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people.

But they are.

That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials, but, people on TV are just as real as you or I.

Yeah.

And that means that MacGyver is a real person too.

We're terribly sorry about the mix-up, little boy.

We'll get you back home immediately.

That's right you will, God damn it.

Move it povs, I'm an American!

[jet engine humming]

[clicking and vocalizing in native language]

[triumphant tribal music]

[muffled yelling]

[dogs barking]

Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us.

And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us, and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks.

Amen. Amen.

Does anybody have a can opener?

God Damn-it.

♪