01x10 - Damien

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

[humming] Here you go, Kyle.

And here's your, Stan. What is this, Cartman?

They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend. Oh, sweet.

Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?

That's right. ♪ 'Cause it's my birthday ♪

♪ My b-b-b-birthday ♪ ♪ ♪ Kick ass, dude.

Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever!

That's right. Yeah, if my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big, fat-ass too.

That's ri... hey!

Oh, Eric, I didn't get an invitation.

Oh really?

Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation?

Let's see... Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation...

Oh, I remember.

I shoved it up my ass!

Yes, that's right, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then, bloop, shoved it right up my ass.

Forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party.

Sorry Pip, old chap.

Here's yours Wendy and here's yours Clyde.

Children, children, today is a very special day.

No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.

I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric.

We have a new student joining our class today.

Ugh. Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town.

So I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome.

I want you all to meet our new classmate...

Uh, what's your name again?

Damien. [scary chanting]

Say hi to Damien.

And where are you from, Damien?

The seventh layer of hell. Oh that's exciting.

My mother was from Alabama.

My arrival denotes end of the beginning.

The beginning of the end.

The new reign of my father.

Your father? The Prince of Darkness.

Wow, we have royalty in our class.

Why don't you take your seat, Damien.

We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.

Now children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...

Hey, new kid, do you want an invitation to my birthday party? Here begins the rule of pain.

The new domination of... Psyche!

I wasn't gonna give you an invitation.

[cackles]

Hey, who cut your hair, Stevie Wonder?

[scary chanting]

[shouts]

Whoa, dude! Damn, what a freak!

Hey, I had a Poofy Pie in that desk!

Now feel the wrath of the fallen angel.

The plague of blight is upon thee.

Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?

Heh. ♪ You got in trouble ♪

♪ You got in trouble ♪

Hey, Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says, "Green Mega Man"?

Yeah, mine says, "Red Mega Man".

Right, that's what you're supposed to get me for my birthday. Dude...[scoffs]

You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday. Yeah, that's weak.

Look, it's very simple, guys.

Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man.

You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?

Up yours, Cartman, I'll get you whatever the hell I want.

Oh, so maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake pan ice cream, then.

Oh, Green Mega Man it is.

Now as you can see Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man.

That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is.

Hey, what you think you're doing, new kid?

Yeah you can't sit with us, weirdo.

Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!

You can't sit us with us new kid.

Go find another table. [scoffs]

Any way Kenny, Yellow Mega Man is only 8.95.

So maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.

[all laugh]

Hey! Oh, good day, Damien.

My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me "Pip", because they hate me! Then I will call you Pip.

Right-o. Hey, new kid.

Kenny says he saw your mom drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog. [mumbling]

That does it! Woof-ah!

[scary chanting]

What the... Dude, he turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus!

A what? [quacks]

Hey, turn him back, you butthole.

He has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man.

Hello there, children.

Hey, Chef. How's it going?

Bad. Why bad?

Chef, there's a new kid in school and he's a total weirdo freak.

Oh, children, children.

You shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different.

Here let me sing you a little song.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ We're all special in our own way ♪

♪ Everybody's different but that's okay ♪

♪ 'Cause even though we might have different color skin ♪

♪ Different points of views, be tall or thin ♪

♪ It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman ♪

♪ And touch your silky skin ♪

♪ Put my love deep inside you ♪

♪ Where no man has ever been ♪

♪ Rub your legs ♪

♪ Caress your thighs, and... ♪

What were we talking about again?

The new kid. Death to the holy.

The wrath of the fallen angels now waits for you all!

Whoa!

Oh, that is one fudged-up little cr*cker.

We told you, dude.

[kids screaming]

We've got to do something, children!

He's tearing my cafeteria apart.

Bring me Jesus!

My wrath shall continue until I speak with Jesus!

Both: Jesus?

Two minutes to air, Jesus.

Thanks Roland, blessed art thou.

Jesus, Jesus! Hi kids.

I only do autographs after the show.

No, no, there's a big problem at school.

Some new kid showed up wearing all black.

And Chef thinks he's evil.

Yeah, look what he did to our friend Kenny.

[quacks] Wow, that's pretty heavy.

This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around, and saying stuff about his "Dark Prince" father coming.

He says he wants to talk to you.

The Dark Prince? Both: Yeah.

So it was written. And so the cycle of years brings the son of the evil one.

Oh brother, now he's talking like the new kid.

Thou must taketh me to the seedling of Satan so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.

'Kay.

[whistle blows] Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards.

Now, as you can see the Red Mega Man uses the Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday.

Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper, illustrated here.

But I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a duck-billed platypus.

That means that the Mega Man Beach House illustrated here, will be a gift given by two people at once since it costs more money. [scary chanting]

[shouts] Our slide!

Feel my wrath! [both shout]

Oh, dear, you shouldn't be so upset, Damien.

I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you some day.

I don't need acceptance I'm the son of Satan.

Believe me, I know what it's like not to have friends.

Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor.

He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.

Damien!

Aah, son of stench.

Cursed ruler of the weak.

So it is thou. Son of Lucifer!

Your time on this earth is short.

Soon, my father comes.

Let him come, then. I shall stop him.

Behold, he is already upon us.

[lightning crackles]

Oh dude!

[evil voice speaking foreign language]

What the hell's going on here?

Look it's that guy from the public access show.

What's happening?

Come over here if you're scared, women.

I'll protect you.

Not you, damn it!

[evil voice continues]

Jesus, my father says he chooses you.

He calls you out.

Be here at this time tomorrow.

There the terms will be discussed.

Very well. Let the final battle between good and evil be fought, right here in South Park!

C'mon Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie!

You're gonna fight Satan?

This fight has been ordained since the beginning.

My children, this is most crucial and serious time of all history.

Who will win our souls?

Our savior and lord... Or the Prince of Darkness?

It's the final battle between good and evil.

And it's only on pay-per-view.

Jesus vs. Satan Live from the South Park Forum on Saturday!

Call now to order. Only $49.95.

Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party!

They can't have the fight on Saturday!

[quacks] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight or Cartman's birthday? Cartman's birthday.

We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil. You guys, my mom's getting a Ferris wheel.

Well, c'mon we have to at least see the weigh-in.

Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?

This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?

When is Satan gonna show up?

Did the devil show up yet? Not yet.

Hey Jesus, if you win the fight can you turn Kenny back to normal?

What the hell do you mean "if" I win the fight?

Don't mind him, Jesus. He's Jewish.

Oh. We're all with you Jesus.

We put every dime we have on you b*ating that Dark Prince.

[applause] Thank you for your faith, but I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.

You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus.

[cheers and applause]

[scary chanting]

Behold, the evil one approaches.

[growls]

[crowd gasp] Holy poop-on-a-stick!

Puny son of Jehovah.

Prepare to enter thy house of pain.

Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge!

Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef.

Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits.

Oh... oh, yeah? Damn.

I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.

Oh, yeah?

Satan weighs in at...

320 pounds, 4 ounces.

[crowd gasps]

Jesus Christ weighs in at...

135 pounds, 1 ounce.

[crowd groans] Oh, crap.

Ah, c'mon, I weigh more than that!

Let the new prince be decided on Saturday.

First South Park, then the world.

Well, I think I'll...

I think I left the oven on.

Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.

See you Saturday, Jesus. Good luck.

Change my bet! Put my money on the devil!

I want to change my bet to Satan.

Me too. Hey, wait. I was here first.

Now, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, m'kay?

Being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay? Everybody hates me.

Well why do you suppose that is?

Because I'm the son of the devil?

Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?

Because I burn them and k*ll them?

Well, yeah, maybe that's it.

What you need to do, Damien is to be overly nice.

No matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate.

Be passive, m'kay.

That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and just look at how much the other children like him now.

I bet I can spit the most on him.

Oh yeah, I bet I can spit in his hair.

Nice try, a little higher and you've got it.

Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.

Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now.

Hey, thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch.

I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus.

I was doing my father's bidding.

I didn't have a choice.

[farts] Oh, excuse me, new kid I didn't mean to fart on you I didn't have a choice.

Hoo, you stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.

Yeah, we're gonna call you Fartboy from now on.

Bye-bye, Fartboy. See ya.

Good day. How are you, Damien?

Those guys farted on me and then called me...

Fartboy? Oh, good.

Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.

[twangy music]

[indistinct chatter]

[clears throat] Excuse me...

I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar.

Uh-oh. [all whistle]

I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.

In fact it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Betting against your lord and savior.

I am disgusted!

Your bet was changed as well.

You forsaked me too.

Oh. Right, well... he does have a couple hundred pounds on you, Jesus.

I implore you all, don't bet on the Dark One.

It is a bet that you will never win.

Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you.

I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now.

Oh, yeah, yeah me too. Me too.

Yeah. Praise the Lord!

Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light!

See you later.

What the hell does he think, we're all crazy?

[all chuckling] Yeah, crazy.

This show's gay. Yeah.

You're all a bunch of Judases.

Hey Jesus.

What are you doing out so late, kids?

We have to find Red and Green Mega Mans for Cartman's birthday party. Oh.

Kids, you believe I can b*at Satan, right?

Sure, dude. You're the son of god!

Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?

N-no, no.

But could you help me train a little?

Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?

I will crush him like a little bug.

Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf w*r?

Let's focus on the fight, can we please?

I'm so sick of people talking smack about my fighters.

All this, "He's mean", "He's a dirty fighter", "He's the cause for all the v*olence and death in the world." It's just getting old.

Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.

You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents? Here, Jesus, drink these raw eggs. No way, dude.

I-I can't.

I can't hit Jesus Christ.

My mother would never speak to me again.

But you're his sparing partner, Chef.

Yeah, you have to hit him.

Satan must be defeated, Chef.

Please help me to train. Okay...

But I'm just gonna tap you, all right?

Give it your best sh*t... oh!

Oh, God in heaven. What have I done?

Anybody get the number of that truck?

[upbeat music] [elephant trumpets]

C'mon kiddies, eat more.

Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left.

Welcome, Debbie. Presents go to your left.

Welcome, Chef. Yep.

Here's your present, children.

Well, nice party. See you later.

Hey, you just got here, Chef.

I know, but the fight is starting.

But, dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.

Mm. Mmm.

That's my favorite kind of chili.

I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's birthday party.

Yes. It's always such a huge event.

Sometimes I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes and pretend I'm there.

The other kids have always hated you?

Oh, yes. Actually, I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too. But now I think they like him because he picks on me.

[bell dings]

[twangy music]

In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 pounds, Jes�s

"El Savior"

Christ.

[cheers and applause]

And in the very, very, black corner wearing very, very black trunks.

The king of all that is evil...

Beelzebub!

[cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!

Okay, I want a good, clean fight, guys.

No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles.

[bell dings]

[carnival music] [kids shouting]

Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?

Yeah you aren't invited, new kid.

And neither are you, Pip. Yes, I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but... Wait a minute.

Give me a chance!

I want to do something special for your party!

[scary chanting]

[demonic growling]

Oh, no!

[screams]

Wow. Whoa, that was cool.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, you're not such a bad guy, after all, Damien. Yeah.

Come on in and join the party.

[bell dinging] [crowd shouting]

Oh!

[dramatic music] [crowd quiets]

[crowd shouting] Oh!

♪ ♪

C'mon you little wuss, fight!

Throw a punch.

Oh, I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present.

Oh, look a Blue Mega Man! Thank you, Stan.

You may eat pie and cake and ice cream now.

And what did Wendy get me?

Oh, it's the Yellow Mega Man!

Help yourself to pie, cake, and ice cream, Wendy.

Oh, look what Kyle got me.

It's a Red Mega...

Ants in the Pants? Ants in the pan...

Ants in the pants!

It's game, dude. It's really fun!

You son of a bitch! Ah!

You were supposed to get me the Red Mega Man!

Now I can't make Ultra Mega Mega Man!

You dirty, cheap-ass, piece of crap.

They were all out of 'em, dude!

I hate you! I want you to die!

Die! [screams]

That's it! Party is over!

Everybody go home!

Get the hell out I said!

Party's over! Get out God damn it!

Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out.

Take your stupid Ants in the Pants with you!

Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.

Ah, he does this all the time.

C'mon children, we can still catch the end of the fight. [screaming]

[grunts]

Oh, what a splendid party!

[bell dinging]

[crowd shouting]

Oh!

Fight, damn it.

Ow! [shouts]

[coughs, grunts]

Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked.

[bell dings] You've got to fight, Jesus.

Why, what's the point?

No one believes in me.

Everyone put their money on Satan.

My father forsaked me, the town forsaked me.

I'm completely forsook.

Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still has money on you.

It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway I give up.

God damn it, Jesus, snap out of it!

What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh?

Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up.

When things were looking their darkest Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best.

She wouldn't stop until she was number one.

Uh, Stan. Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second best. Stan.

She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold.

Stan! What?

Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude.

She came in second.

Really? Yeah, dude.

Oh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.

You know, somebody once said, "Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man."

Who said that? You did, Jesus.

[soft music]

You're right, Stan.

Thank you, boys.

[bell dings]

Wow, did he say that in the Bible?

No, I saw it on "Star Trek." Hmm.

C'mon, sissy, hit me! Hit me.

Okay, pal, you asked for it.

[dramatic musical flourish]

♪ ♪

Oh, you got me.

One, two, three...

No way! He barely touched him.

Seven, eight... Aww, come on!

Nine, ten. This is ridiculous.

You're out!

[bell dinging]

Our savior! The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdom.

Jes�s

"El Savior"

Christ.

[crowd groaning]

Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive.

He threw the fight. Yeah!

Fools. You are all fools.

Of course I took a dive.

Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?

[soft dramatic music]

Me, you idiots.

And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to hell a much richer Prince of Darkness and buy some real estate. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

I don't believe this!

Yeah. What a mean thing to do.

Farewell, fools.

Man, that guy is a jerk. [all boo]

Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.

Boy, did we get screwed.

Jesus, we're sorry.

Can you ever forgive us?

Aw, heck, do I have a choice?

[cheers and applause]

Well Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson.

Never bet on evil because when you do...

Ned, look!

There's a rare duck-billed platypus!

It's coming right for us!

Oh, my God. They k*lled Kenny.

You bastard!

Well, good-bye, guys.

It was nice getting to know you.

You're leaving already? I have to.

My dad is always on the move. Wow.

I feel kind of bad for that kid.

Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.

Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?

More pie, hon?

[grunts]

No... more... pie.

[grunting]

[twangy music]

♪