01x11 - Tom's Rhinoplasty

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.

I know.

Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.

I can't afford a cruise, dude.

I know, but we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise!

[hysterical laughing]

Shut up, Cartman!

That is so lame!

[laughing]

And then we could dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.

[hysterical laughing]

Stop this!

You're k*lling me over here!

Children, I have some difficult news for you.

Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while.

He has to have surgery!

[all cheering]

So you're going to have a substitute teacher!

[all groaning]

And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.

Yes, little boy?

We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.

Oh. Anyhoo, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Miss Ellen.

Hello, children.

Whoa! Whoa!

Wow, she's pretty.

[mumbling]

You can say that again.

[mumbling]

Good luck, Miss Ellen.

If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay?

Thank you.

I'm sure I'll be fine.

Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery, but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us.

[gasping]

Stan?

Stan!

Now let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments.

You are Eric Cartman?

Yes, ma'am!

Okay, and you must be Stan Marsh!

[retches]

Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?

No, he always pukes when he's in love.

I'll kick your ass, Cartman!

So you're all right?

[retches]

Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?

I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom.

I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.

You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison.

People have cosmetic surgery all the time.

Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want.

Wow! Isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?

It sure is, Mr. Garrison!

Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this.

Hmm...

Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this.

Oh, that's not bad.

Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this.

Wow! That's it!

That's the nose I want!

All righty, then.

Now, I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks.

You could wind up a hideous, foul, shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you are forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at night to hunt for scraps of food.

I can live with that.

All righty, then, let's get started!

She wasn't looking at you, butt-lord, she was looking at me!

Well, that goes without saying, fat-ass.

How could she help but look at you?

You guys can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out.

Until you puked on her.

Hello there, children.

What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?

Miss Ellen, dude. She's beautiful!

Is she like a Vanessa Williams beautiful, or a Toni Braxton beautiful?

Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?

Or is she Erin Gray in the second season of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?

Yeah, that one! Whoo!

I gotta meet this woman.

Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?

No. Well, it is!

That's okay, you know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other.

[mumbling]

That's right.

Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?

That's okay, you know what they say about women with a mole on the back of their necks with hair growin' out of it.

Stan, we're still valentines, right?

Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Hey, we should buy Miss Ellen Valentine's Day presents.

Yeah, we'll go to the mall tonight.

I'm gonna buy her a vacuum cleaner.

Chicks like vacuum cleaners!

[somber music]

[sniffles]

♪ ♪

♪ I remember when we were so in love ♪

♪ The moments that we shared were timeless ♪

♪ Saw it in the wind ♪

♪ Knew it in a glance ♪

♪ The songs we sang were simple and rhymeless ♪

♪ I can't stop now ♪

♪ My heart's awake ♪

♪ I feel your arms ♪

♪ My arms to take ♪

♪ I guess times change ♪

♪ Even when love is the same ♪

♪ ♪

[writing on chalkboard]

Oh, goodness.

Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

You guys are so immature!

Act like eight-year-olds!

Stan, how 'bout you?

[retches]

I'd love to!

Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.

Cartman?

What's a multiplication table?

Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?

Well, where did he leave off?

We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that Richard Grieco guy that used to be on "21 Jump Street" but then he got his own show for just a little while.

Oh, hello.

Can I help you?

I'm Chef. And?

I just, uh... I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.

My laundry detergent? That's not Kyle's-

Shh! Crazy cr*cker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place.

What was your name again?

Uh-oh, Chef's movin' in on Miss Ellen.

I'm the substitute.

Well I'm sure there's no substitute for you.

That's very nice, Mr. Chef.

Now if you're finished...

[funky music]

♪ Nobody could take your place ♪

♪ No way they can match your face, no ♪

♪ You got it goin' on in a way ♪

♪ So clear ♪

♪ I just wanna buy you a beer ♪

Maybe tonight at 7:30 or something, I can come by and...

♪ Pick you up in my car ♪

♪ No substitute ♪

♪ No substitute for you ♪

♪ No substitute ♪

♪ No, baby there's ♪

♪ No substitute ♪

♪ For you, girl ♪

♪ No substitute ♪

♪ For you now ♪

♪ You know that it's true ♪

♪ No substitute ♪

♪ There's just no substitute for you ♪

We've got to learn how to do this, dude.

Yep. That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but could I get back to teaching now?

If we can have dinner tonight.

Fine, Chef.

Just let me do my job before I get fired.

Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Miss Ellen!

What?

Mr. Garrison, Mr. Garrison!

Where... where am I?

The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.

Oh, I feel weak. How do I look?

You look great!

I... I feel kind of nauseous.

Yes, well, that's to be expected.

We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage.

[groans]

All the blood and mucus, just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart.

[imitating cracking]

Ohh...

By the way, did you ever see that movie "Contact"?

[retching]

Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison, why don't you get some rest?

I'll check on you a little later.

[breathing shakily]

I waited through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her g*dd*mn father.

[school bell rings]

Okay, kids, remember your homework.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

Good-bye, Miss Ellen.

Stop kissing ass, Cartman!

I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!

Miss Ellen, can I talk to you?

Of course, Wendy.

I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend Stan.

Oh, well, I've taken a liking to all of you.

You're all so young and cute and full of life.

Can I tell you something, Miss Ellen?

Of course, Wendy.

Don't [bleep] with me!

What? You heard me!

Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry ho ass back to last year!

Bye, Miss Ellen!

Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you bought me!

Oh, what a delightful scarf!

Thank you, Kyle!

[coughs] Loser gift, loser gift!

And here's one from Kenny.

Oh, thank you very much, Kenny.

This is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.

[laughing]

Oh, and what a nice alarm clock.

Thank you, Stan. [retches]

And here's another present, from Wendy.

Oh, why, it's a dead animal. Thank you, Wendy.

See? She liked my present the best!

Where's your present, Cartman?

Well, I got Miss Ellen a chocolate pie, but I, uh, left it at home.

Okay, kids.

We're gonna take a spelling test now.

[all gasping]

But as an extra incentive, I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner.

Aw, man, I wish I knew how to spell!

Are there any questions before we begin?

Yes, Wendy?

When someone gets as old as you, do they have to wear Depends undergarments?

Dude, I aced that test!

I'm gonna win that dinner with Miss Ellen!

No, you're not. I don't think I missed any!

Hi, Stan.

I bet I scored a 100!

[shouting] Hi, Stan!

Oh, hi, Wendy.

I was just in the bathroom, and Miss Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen!

No, she wasn't!

Yes, she was!

That's impossible!

Well, she did!

And she has horrible, horrible gas too!

She says she can't control it!

Nuh-uh!

It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!

Oh, cool!

All right, Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing.

Yeah, you're acting like a freak, Wendy.

[screaming] No, I'm not acting like a freak!

[voice echoing]

Hey, man, someone's gotta pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass!

Hello there, children. Oh, hey, Chef.

How did your date with Miss Ellen go?

Not too good. What happened?

Didn't you make sweet love to her?

No, no, no, she's not like that.

You see... uh, how do I put this?

Children, Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.

In... in other words, children, she's not a member of the heterosexual persuasion.

Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.

A what-bian? A plebeian?

You boys don't know what a lesbian is?

Kenny?

No, explain it to us, Chef.

That's okay, uh, look...

All you need to know is, Miss Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.

Oh.

Now move along, children, you're holding up the line.

Weak, dude.

She only likes other lesbians?

Hey, man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!

Hey, yeah!

Hey, guys, you know what?

My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian.

That makes me quarter lesbian.

You're just sayin' that, Cartman.

Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat-ass!

I am too!

Okay, only a few more bandages to go.

Well?

Take a look for yourself.

Wow, that's a pretty good nose job!

What do you think, Mr. Hat?

I think it looks great.

Yes, I think once the swelling goes down, you'll really notice a difference.

What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet! Really?

Well, I got a Indi-glow Girls CD.

The guy at the record store said it was perfect.

And I got these k*ller Birkenstocks.

♪ I woke up very early one Sunday morning ♪

This is a bunch of crap!

I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!

♪ Do it light ♪

♪ Taking me through the night ♪

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

♪ Baby, you do it right ♪

♪ Give me more... ♪

Hi, Mrs. Kimball.

Oh, how-dy, Mr. Garrison.

Say, honey, you look kinda different.

Really?

Did you get a haircut?

No, but thanks for asking.

♪ Do it light ♪

♪ Taking me through the night ♪

Call me... I'm in the book!

Wow, Mr. Hat, having a nose job is even better than I thought.

There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.

Thanks for coming over, Bebe.

That's okay, Wendy, I brought my makeup kit like you asked me.

What are we doing, anyway?

That mean old substitute isn't gonna stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe!

Really? Yeah!

What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her sh*t into the center of the Sun!

But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again.

Bebe, I need a makeover!

Oh, cool!

I can't wait for Miss Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!

I'm a bigger lesbian than you!

No, you're a fatter lesbian than me!

Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!

Whoa, is that Wendy Testaburger?

♪ ♪

Hi, guys, what's up?

Wow, Wendy looks just like that chick from "Grease,"

Elton John!

Wow, hi, Wendy.

Oh, hi, Stan.

I think it worked, Bebe!

Yeah!

Good morning, children.

Wow!

Damn! Get down!

Yeah!

Oh, Wendy, you wore black leather too!

We're like sisters.

Die!

All right, kids, I finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score...

Hello there, children!

♪ Do it light ♪

♪ Taking me through the night ♪

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back!

Oh, weak, dude!

Hooray, hooray!

Hooray for Mr. Garrison!

♪ He's back, he's back, Mr. Garrison is back ♪

So long, substitute!

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now!

Children, I have a very important announcement to make.

I'm quitting my job as a teacher.

[all gasping]

What?

It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself.

And I've decided to quit teaching and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.

You... you can't!

But the good news is, I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it, and Miss Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher.

[all cheering]

Really?

That's right. Will you stay?

Well, sure!

No!

No!

Oh, by the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me, is Stan.

[retches] Kickass!

[screaming] No!

No!

Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office.

Your grandma just d*ed.

[screaming]

Ooh, my, what an exciting day!

♪ Do it light ♪

♪ Taking me through the night ♪

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

Great, baby, you're lookin' great!

I'm a lady k*ller, Mr. Hat!

You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!

Okay, just a few hundred more sh*ts, and we'll be done.

A few hundred?

Hey, that's the life of a model, baby!

Oh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack!

You got it!

[camera shutter clicking]

I'm very glad we could have dinner together, Stanley.

I want you to know that I really care about your education.

Are we making love now?

Excuse me?

They don't have a fireplace here.

We shouldn't be making love yet.

What are you talking about?

You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.

Stan, I'm your teacher, okay?

We're only friends.

But why?

Well, first of all, you're eight.

It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?

Oh, boy.

[thunder rumbling]

It's over.

I give up.

Boy, I'll tell you something, Mr. Hat, being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.

You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

[women screaming]

What the...

Whoa! Hey, wait, wait!

Ahh!

Mr. Hat, save yourself!

[school bell ringing]

So how'd your date with Miss Ellen go?

Did you make love?

I think so.

No way! Yep!

Down by the fire? Yep!

[mumbling]

Did I what?

Good morning, children.

Miss Ellen, can I talk to you?

Sure, but can it wait till after class, Wendy?

No, I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.

Oh, that's okay, Wendy.

No, it's not.

Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.

Well, I would love that, Wendy.

And... [clears throat]

I want to apologize to everybody.

The way I acted was wrong, and I've learned from it.

I just wish Stan and Miss Ellen would have all the happiness in the world.

Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan.

That's not what we just heard!

[women screaming]

Oh, Mr. Hat, I hate this!

I wish I'd never had a nose job!

Damn this beautiful face of mine!

Damn it to hell!

We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat.

I wanna be the old me again!

Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.

Down, down, everybody down!

What the hell?

So we meet again Miss Ellen.

And just what is going on here, mister?

I am Hakeem Korashki of the mighty nation of Iraq.

This woman is a traitor to our government.

It's a lie!

She has k*lled thousands and will k*ll again, I assure you.

Miss Ellen, is this true? No!

We must take her back to Iraq immediately!

Oh, cool!

Principal Victoria, please!

Here is a black-and-white photo of Miss Ellen with our leader!

Her real name is Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh.

Well, Miss Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy!

Take her away!

No, get away from me!

Oh, my God, she k*lled Kenny!

You bastard!

No!

Wow, what incredible irony.

[sirens wailing]

Wow, I can't believe Miss Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive!

Yeah, you just never know.

Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.

Happy Valentine's Day, Stan.

[retching]

Eww!

Sorry. No, it's okay, Stan!

Everything's going to be okay.

Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?

Yeah, dude, my mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.

For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be sh*t into the center of the Sun!

This is all a mistake!

This can't be happening!

Please!

For the love of God!

Shut up!

[upbeat music playing]

[laughs] Great party, Wendy!

Thanks, Mrs. Kimball.

Thanks for helping me to get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.

Anything for you, sugar-pie.

Oh, hi, Kyle.

I've been thinking, Wendy, this whole outcome is pretty strange.

Uh, excuse me.

[speaking foreign language]

[grumbling in foreign language]

How is it that Miss Ellen was suddenly arrested for being...

Wait, wait! Shh, shh!

It's time to whip out the eclipse shoeboxes!

Bye-bye, Miss Ellen.

Wendy... you didn't!

I told her... don't [bleep] with Wendy Testaburger!