01x12 - Mecha-Streisand

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the Earth's crust!

We dig 'em up, polish 'em off and find over twelve new arrowheads every month!

Booorrrring. [laughter]

Eric, keep quiet! I'm trying to sleep!

Now, can anybody tell me who left these arrowheads here?

Isn't that your job?

Well, yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything.

Oh. Okay, I tell you what.

Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes that were handed out and we'll dig for our very own Indian Arrowheads!

[cheering]

♪ Day is never finished ♪

♪ Massa got me working ♪

♪ Someday massa set me free ♪

Dude, shut up, Cartman! Ooh, ooh!

I think I found one!

No, I found it.

Oh, I do believe I found it first.

No, I did, Pip! Oh, dear.

Well, guess we'll have to Roshambo for it.

What do you mean?

Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can.

Then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can.

And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls.

Last one standing gets the arrowhead.

Oh, my. Well, I suppose if I must...

Okay, ready? I'll go first.

[yelps, coughs]

[laughter]

Well, I guess you win.

I don't care, you can have the stupid arrowhead.

I don't want it.

♪ Day is never finished ♪

♪ Massa got me working ♪

Oh, look, I found another one.

Aw, this is just a stupid triangle!

Whoa, check it out, dude.

It's got little drawings on it.

What is it? I don't know.

[shimmering tone] Whoa!

That was cool! Hey, give me that back!

You threw it away, Cartman. It's mine now.

We'll Roshambo for it. No way, fatty. It's mine.

Anthropologist!

How's it going, boys?

I found a magic triangle and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!

You threw it away, fatso!

Let me see that.

Why, this is Anastasi writing!

My God, this must be thousands of years old!

Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it!

And finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today.

Here with a special report is a quadriplegic Swiss man on a pony.

Thanks Tom. The little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.

Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, "Dude, I found this triangle."

And my friends were all like, "Dude," and I was all, "Dude."

And I told him, I said, "Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts."

But he didn't give it back to me.

So I kicked him square in the nuts...

And he cried like Nancy Kerrigan.

You liar, Cartman! Screw you, triangle thief!

And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science...

A little later.

Back to you, Dave. Thanks, Tom.

Those are some cute, cute kids.

Except for that last one. He's a little tubby.

Hey!

What are you gonna do with it, dude?

I'm gonna put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it.

Oh I'll find it, don't worry!

Goddammit! Gimme my triangle, Kyle, seriously!

You did throw it away, Cartman.

I was just setting it aside.

Well, you might as well let it go.

Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!

[dramatic musical flourish]

♪ Gimme a little bit of that pepper ♪

♪ Gimme a little bit of that salt ♪

♪ Put it in the skillet and cook it ♪

Excuse me, sir. Can I help-hey.

You're that movie critic guy on TV.

Leonard Maltin, yes. Well I'll be a teenage girl backstage at an Aerosmith concert.

Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria!

I'm Chef.

I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef.

We have precious little time.

Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently?

Barbra Streisand? You mean, like, THE Barbra Streisand?

Have you seen her?! No.

Not since "Yentl."

Thank God. Then I'm not too late.

Too late for what?

Chef, it is of the upmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are.

Why do you care?

I have a button we can use for his nose.

[muffled speech]

What would you use a marble sack for?

Be careful where you put that carrot.

Kyle might steal it.

I didn't steal anything.

Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?

Good!

[whirring] What's that noise?

Whoa!

Aah! Aliens!

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight?

Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?

No.

Oh, I bet you do.

♪ I'm going... ♪ Aah! Stop that!

♪ Where there's lucky clovers in the sun... ♪

Yeah, that sucks, dude.

I'm Barbra Streisand!

So? So...

So I'm a very famous and very important individual.

Like John Elway important?

What?! Do you know John Elway?

No.

Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway.

Look, little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah...

No, I found it. He stole it.

You threw it away, Cartman!

I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief.

Little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Okay, now this is very important.

Where is the Triangle of Zinthar now?

Triangle of Zinthar?

Why do you want to know, lady?

I'm not talking to you, you pissant little hick!

Whoa, dude!

Where is the Triangle, damn it?!

Aaagh!

What seems to be the problemo here?

Problemo? There's no problemo, Officer.

I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys.

Nu-uh! She was being a total bitch!

Boys, shouldn't you be in school?

It's Saturday. No excuses!

Move along, you little troublemakers.

Well?! Well what?

You know who I am, don't you?

Well, you ain't Fiona Apple.

And if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass Argh!

Hoo! What a bitch!

[twangy music]

I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.

Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere.

Now, come on, man! What is this all about?

If Barbara Streisand saw the same news report I did, then those boys are in grave danger.

If you were Barbra Streisand, where would you be right now?

Hmm.

No, no! I mean where would she be staying?

Oh, uh, well, I always heard that Mrs. Streisand had her own $4 million condominium up near the ski slope.

Where? I don't know.

I-it was just a rumor.

Damn it, man, where is your car?!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

He has it, Milo.

That little bastard has the Triangle.

Are you sure? I'm sure!

He knew about the symbol of Krulock!

Then why don't we go get it?

A cop showed up. He's a clever one.

I can't blow everything now that I'm this close.

Everything must be handled very carefully.

How many years has it been, Milo? 30? 40?

For so long, I have waited to find the other triangle.

And now I am so close.

The dawn of Zinthar is close at hand!

[cackling]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[babbling]

[glass shatters]

Cartman?

You scared the crap out of me, Ike!

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm trying to get my tri...

Wait a minute, I'm not talking to you!

Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?

[babbling]

Well, Ike, you can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!

[babbling]

Well you can tell Kyle he's a dirty g*dd*mn son of a bitch!!

[babbling] All right, all right!

If it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!

Huh? If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damn thing.

Here.

There. Now get out of my house.

And I hope you feel really, really good about yourself.

Hell yeah, I do. I got the triangle.

♪ I got the triangle, I got the triangle ♪

♪ You don't, you don't ♪

Are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here?

It was just a rumor.

A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.

Then we've got to keep looking.

[tires screech] All right, Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough.

I ain't driving another mile till you tell me what this is all about.

Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits?

Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but...

More than a bitch, Chef!

She's a calculating, self-centered, egotistical bitch.

She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman.

[shudders] Ooh. Insurance salesman?

When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer.

But by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the universe.

She learned of an ancient diamond.

The diamond of Pantheos.

Okay, you know what? Never mind.

I don't need to know all this. Forget I asked.

Before she was seven, the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish.

The diamond was split up and buried at opposite ends of the world.

But then, during the sh**ting of "My Fair Lady,"

Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles.

And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?

Yes, Mr. Chef. If Babs get ahold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind...

Mecha-Streisand.

Mecha-Streisand?

Oh man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good.

Man, the bus sure is late.

Hmmm, I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is my triangle.

Damn it, Cartman, I gave it to you so you would shut up.

Oh, hello there, little boys.

How are you today?

Fine. That is great.

My name is Mrs. Jones.

And I am a very friendly, nice person.

I hear that one of you found my triangle.

Your triangle?

Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine.

I'm so glad you found it, because without it, I was sure to die within hours.

Oh no, you don't! Finders keepers!

But I'll die!

Well, I guess we'll have to Roshambo for it.

I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can.

I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it.

It's worth a lot of money to me.

It is?

Hey, no wonder that Barbara Streisand lady wanted it!

Oh, [laughs]. Who is that?

Oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only 45.

[laughter]

Yeah, and you should have seen her nose.

It was big enough to land stealth bombers on.

[laughter]

Yeah, and talk about a bitch. I haven't seen...

Enough!

Oh. Ha, ha.

Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll k*ll you...

I mean, uh, give you money for the triangle.

Sweet! I'm gonna be rich!

Bet you wish you wouldn't have given me back that triangle now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass.

Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?

No, not when money's involved, stupid.

[regal music]

And action.

Rebecca, I'm a man.

A man like any other with dreams and emotions.

And that's why I'll never put a foreign object up my ass.

Cut. Great. Print that.

Excellent work, Sid. Take five, guys.

Let's set up for the next sh*t.

[voices] Hello. Ho?!

You must hurry.

A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar!

Where?!

A small, pissant, white-bread mountain town in Colorado called South Park.

Excellent.

Soon, the Triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!

[grunts] Let me go! Seriously!

Yeah, let us go!

You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with.

I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle!

[screams] It's not my triangle!

It's Kyle's! Hey!

Don't try to pass it back on me, fat-ass!

[groans] Screw you, hippie!

Where is the Triangle of Zinthar?!

I don't remember!

g*dd*mn it, tell her! I wanna go home!

Maybe this will help jar your memory.

No! Don't!

♪ There's a place for us... ♪

[screaming] Now do you remember?!

[panting] Damn your black heart, Barbra Streisand!

I don't know how much more I can take, dude!

All right, you asked for it!

♪ I'm gonna tell you now... ♪

All: No!

I don't know, man.

Maybe Barbra Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all.

Looks like we'll have to go to plan B.

There's a plan B?

Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for when there's a plan B?

Have you ever heard of the band called 'The Cure'?

Oh, come on.

Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too.

No, no. Just the lead singer.

Aah! Aah!

Whoa! What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?

She's close! She's very close! I can feel her.

Where? She has the boys!

T-they're in trouble!

Oh, fudge! Keep going this way, hurry!

♪ Happiness with you is like happiness with... ♪

[all screaming] Okay, okay!

I'll tell you where the triangle is!

It's inside my shoe.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Cartman.

When's the last time you changed your socks?

I suppose your socks smell like the botanical gardens.

Finally! The triangle is mine!

After centuries of waiting, I finally have the Triangle of Zinthar!

Now the Diamond of Pantheos is complete!

[shimmering tone]

Sugoi! Kono hi wa!

Atarashii hajimaru da!

Ima kara!

Atashi no namae wa!

Whoa, dude!

MECHA-BARBARA STREISAND DA!

[howling]

Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here.

[howling]

Holy crap, Ned!

That's the biggest g*dd*mn deer I've ever seen!

And so just weeks after the devastating att*ck of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself once again b...

[howling]

Oh, g*dd*mn it, not again.

♪ [man singing Japanese] ♪

♪ ♪

Mayor, Barbra Streisand is... I noticed.

Call the National Guard!

Oh, we'll get you, you bitch.

And to think I actually watched your HBO special!

Children! [together] Chef!

Oh, no, no!

She has joined the two triangles?

Yeah, she stole my triangle!

Get us down from here. I can't break these locks.

Stand back, Chef.

Marutang ray!

[zapping]

Whoa, that was cool!

I've got to go after Mecha-Streisand.

Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number. Robert Smith? Sweet.

Hello? Uh, yes.

Is this Robert Smith of The Cure?

Yes, it is. This may sound kinda strange, but Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.

Oh, so Barbara Streisand's found the other triangle, eh?

[dramatic music]

All right, men. Give her everything you've got.

[shrieking]

[missles blasting]

[shrieking]

Get around side her, Ned!

I can't get a sh*t in from here!

Okay.

Ah, ah, I'm scared.

[shrieking]

♪ [man singing Japanese] ♪

♪ ♪

It's no use!

Our firepower has no effect!

Oh, my God, it is you!

Oh, I am such a huge fan, Ms. Streisand!

I never thought I'd live to see you in person!

KRAGHGHGH!

I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph?

My sister would die!

GRAGHGHGH!

Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!

[howling]

[overlapping screams]

We're doomed! Goodbye, Mr. Hat.

♪ [man singing Japanese] ♪

Barbra!

[shrieking]

Kitte! Kitte! Churi-pu!

♪ [man singing Japanese] Leonard Maltin ♪

[exciting music]

Look out, children!

[overlapping screams]

All: Ahhhh!

♪ ♪

Oh, no!

[muffled speech]

Oh, my God, they k*lled Kenny!

You bastards!

[heroic music]

What's going on here?

Sidney Poitier?

That's right. I'm Sidney Poitier.

Damn, man, it's nice to meet you.

The Sidney Poitier in my hometown.

Barbra Streisand has found the Triangle of Zinthar?

Yep, she's made the Diamond of Pantheos, all right.

Koora Koo-ra-suki!

♪ [man singing Japanese] Mega-Poitier... ♪

♪ ♪

Is that really necessary?

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

It's over.

She's too strong for them, children.

We'll have to leave town.

Make it go away.

I hate Barbra Streisand! I hate her!

My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef?

We have to say goodbye to South Park.

Woman: Oh, my God! Help me!

[shrieks]

Am I too late? Who are you?

Dude! That's Robert Smith of The Cure!

Sweet! Here, you boys hold this walkie.

You can help me find her.

You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just b*at the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier!

I have to try.

I can't let Barbara Streisand do this to the entire world.

[shimmering tone]

♪ [singing Japanese] Robert Smith, Robert Smith... ♪

♪ ♪

[high-pitched tone]

[howling]

We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.

Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use robot punch!

[electricity crackling]

The Diamond of Pantheos!

She must be powerless now.

Quickly, Robert Smith. She's powerless!!

♪ [singing Japanese] Robert Smith, Robert Smith... ♪

[wailing]

[expl*si*n]

He did it!

No more Barbra Streisand ever!

Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived.

Our savior!

[shimmering tone]

Can I have my walkie-talkie back now, please?

No way. You gave it to us. It's mine now.

All right, I'll Roshambo you for it.

Ready? Huh?

[groaning]

Hey, where's he going?

Goodbye, Robert Smith!

Thank you for your help. Visit us again.

"Disintegration" is the best album ever!

Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?

We've got to get rid of them.

Nobody should have the kind of power Barbra Streisand wanted.

Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me.

No! That's my walkie-talkie!

He gave it to me!

Dammit, Cartman, don't you ever learn anything?

Come on, Stan, it's mine. I'll Roshambo you for it.

Go to hell, Cartman.

Well, that whole experience sure did suck.

Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with.

But you know, I've learned something today.

I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.

Yeah. Yes, and I've something too.

Robert Smith kicks ass.

[rumbling]

Oh, no! She's back!

Oh, my God! Look!

[howling]

[together] Aaah! Mecha-Ike!