01x13 - Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

All: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

Dude, the bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.

Yeah, this is, like, the third day in a row.

I wonder what's wrong.

[muffled speech]

[laughter]

Yeah. Hey, maybe we should ditch school and go check on him.

[brakes hiss]

Come on, we're running late!

We're not getting on, you fat, ugly bitch.

What did you say? I said, "We're not getting on, you fat, ugly bitch."

Oh, all right, then.

[engine revs]

Whoa, dude. I always wondered if that would work.

[doorbell dings]

Hello, boys. Hi, we were wondering why fat-ass, I mean, Cartman hasn't been showing up for school. Oh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.

In the backyard? Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?

[in Polly's voice] Yes, Eric, I would love some tea, thank you.

[normal voice] You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants.

♪ ♪

Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?

[in Clyde's voice] Yes, please, Eric.

Why are you so cool?

[normal voice] Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog.

I just am.

[in Polly's voice] Yeah, you're strong and smart, Eric... Everybody likes you.

[normal voice] Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you.

Dude, this is pretty [bleep] up right here.

[muffled speech]

Come on, let's go make fun of him.

No, dude, this looks really serious.

I think we better get help. Really?

[in Peter Panda's voice] Wow, Eric, you are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.

[normal voice] Why, thank you, Peter Panda.

It's a distinctive Earl Grey.

[in Polly's voice] Eric is the best.

[in Clyde's voice] Hooray for Eric!

[in Peter Panda's voice] Eric kicks ass.

Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.

Oh, well, there's a newsflash.

No, no, we saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.

Yeah, he was doing their voices and pouring tea for them. Oh, okay.

Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, M'kay? What do you mean?

Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric? No.

Well, obviously, something is bothering him, M'kay?

Oh, of course, my video camera.

Boys, if you could video tape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, M'kay? Is that legal?

Oh, hell yes. My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.

[in Polly's voice] Oh, thank you, Eric.

You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and cool.

[in Peter Panda's voice] Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and cool... Everybody likes you very much.

[in normal voice] That's nice, Peter Panda.

Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made.

How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?

I don't know... Just keep rolling.

More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?

[in Rumper's voice] Yes, please, Eric.

You are tough and handsome.

[in normal voice] Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin.

And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

[in Clyde's voice] I think you're a big, fat piece of crap.

[in normal voice] Hey!

♪ ♪

[meows]

No, kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage.

[meows] No, kitty, that's a bad kitty!

[hisses] How is your beefy roast, snookums?

Mom, can I ask you a question?

Sure, hun.

You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?

Uh-huh. And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?

Yes.

Well, what's your question, hun?

God damn it, do I have a dad?

Oh. I wanna know where I came from. Oh, hmm, well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.

Uh-huh. And sometimes, the man puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?

Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic.

It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.

[twangy music]

[glass shattering]

[overlapping chatter]

I was young and naive then.

Wow, I've never seen a woman drink that much.

You're amazing, Ms. Cartman.

Oh, heck, I haven't even started yet.

[laughs] I baked cookies.

Would anybody like one? I wouldn't mind getting ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman.

Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.

Mm, that's a good cookie!

[folk music]

Come on, everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance!

[exclaiming]

♪ ♪

And then, I saw him.

He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park.

His name was Chief Running Water.

♪ There you are ♪

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

♪ I want you to make love to me ♪

I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning, I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.

So where's Chief Running Wa... I mean, Dad, now?

Oh, I never saw him after that.

I wasn't really that interested in him.

That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.

I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.

Wow, to think all this time I'm actually a naive American.

[meows] No, kitty, that's a bad kitty!

[twangy music]

Coming this Sunday, a major television event that will blow you away.

Terrance, Phillip in the harrowing made for TV drama "Not Without My Anus."

Based on a true story.

Hey, Phillip, I have to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter!

Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.

[flatulence]

[laughter]

See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC movie of the week.

Wow, kickass, dude. We have to remember to tape "Not Without My Anus" next week.

Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.

[click]

Come on, Grandpa, we wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.

No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.

All: [groan]

And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

Here's your host, Bob Saget.

Hey, I just flew in to the studio.

Boy, are my arms tired. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

'Cause he didn't have the guts.

[chuckles]

Knock, knock.

Bob.

Bob Saget. [chuckling]

[laughter]

[laughs] This guy sucks.

[doorbell dings] Yeah, he's almost as bad as that guy on "Full House."

[laughs] Cartman?

What the hell are doing dressed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?

Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people. What?

[laughter]

Hey, the white man has mocked my people long enough.

You keep your g*dd*mn mouth shut.

Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over to the reservation. What are you talking about, Cartman? Why name isn't Eric Cartman.

It's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?

Go ahead, dude.

Man, Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.

Yeah, we better get this video tape over to Mr. Mackey quick.

Just a friendly reminder to all of you out there.

Send us your stupidest home videos.

The grand prize this month will be for $10,000.

$10,000? Holy smokes.

Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.

All: [gasp]

♪ ♪

And Bear cried to Eagle... Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.

What kid? He claims to be your kid.

Hi, Dad. Who the hell are you?

I'm your son, Eric.

My mom says you put your hoo-hoo-dilly in her cha-cha at the drunken barn dance.

Your mother? Liane Cartman.

Cartman, oh, boy, I was worried there for a second.

Look, kid, I'm not your father.

But my mom says you were the guy she was with.

Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as

"bear with wide canyon." What do you mean?

She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."

Huh? Your mom's a slut.

Hey! Don't feel too bad.

Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened.

Let me tell you.

♪ ♪

We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot.

I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.

Oh, Chief, I want your hot man chowder.

Whoa, hello.

[vomits] Wait, wait.

Who is that?

♪ ♪

♪ There you are ♪

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

Chief, could you excuse me for a minute?

Huh? You gotta be kidding me.

Why, hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. No, I'm new in town.

Well, what's a nice handsome black man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park? I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here. My, how exciting!

Would you care to put your tongue in my mouth?

Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase, don't you?

I'm plastered.

♪ ♪

His tongue? Chef?

Chef is my dad? He's the last person I saw with your mom that night. Oh, my God, I'm a black African American.

[grunting] Come on, Kenny, get the go-kart going. I wanna ride it.

Did you send the video tape to "America's Stupidest Home Videos?"

Yeah, I mailed it last night.

What sucks is that now, I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.

If we win, we can buy a new go-kart that actually runs.

Shh, here comes Cartman.

Sup, homies? Cartman?

I was just down in the SPC kicking it with some Gs on the west side.

You live on the east side, Cartman.

Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.

[laughs] Right, like I'm some hippie Indian.

You know what I'm saying?

Check it out, I'm gonna go chill with my dad.

♪ ♪

Dude, we should be videotaping this.

We could make another $10,000.

[engine hums]

[incoherent screaming]

Both: Hold on, Kenny!

[muffled screaming]

♪ ♪

[muffled screaming]

[groans]

[muffled speech]

[muffled speech]

[train whistle whines]

Oh, my God, they've k*lled Kenny!

You bastards!

♪ ♪

[knocking]

Hello? Yo, Pops.

Boy, what the fudge are you doing?

You know, just laying down some rhymes for the G-folk.

You know what I'm saying?

Get in here. West side.

Take that wig off! What's gotten into you?

You're my dad, Chef.

Chief Running Water said you got together with my mom at the drunken barn dance. What?

No... did I? He said you kissed her with your tongue. Ooh, that's different.

Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children.

Huh, so you're not my dad? Of course not.

Here, you children sit down, and let me explain something to you about where babies come from.

Then you'll see why I can't be your dad.

♪ When a man loves a woman ♪

♪ And a woman loves a man ♪

Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman, but he acts like he does in order to get some action.

♪ The magic starts to happen ♪

♪ And the two take off their clothes ♪

♪ That's right... and they caress and touch each other ♪

♪ Until a part of the man grows ♪

♪ Ooh, they roll around and now things ♪

♪ Really start to get hot ♪

♪ And the man say, "I love you" ♪

♪ And the woman says, "Hold on a second... ♪

♪ I gotta go to the bathroom" ♪

♪ So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait ♪

♪ And you wait and you wait and you wait ♪

♪ You wait and you're cooling down ♪

♪ And she's still going to the bathroom ♪

♪ Finally, she comes back, and she says ♪

♪ "Baby, I'm getting hot" ♪

♪ And that's when you gotta jump her butt ♪

♪ And pump her full of... ♪ What?

Who the hell did that to my mom at the drunken barn dance?

Oh, children, that was a long time ago, but I'll tell you what I remember.

♪ ♪

Oh, Chef, you're so strong.

Hey, everybody, look who's here!

The AFC champion Denver Broncos.

Are we late for the party?

What the hell town is this?

♪ There you are ♪

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

♪ I want... ♪ Oh!

Chef, oh, Chef! Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?

Oh, whoopee! Ah!

Garrison, what the hell are you doing?

You're drunk, Mr. Hat.

♪ There you are ♪

Oh, man, I'm out of here.

Come on, Chef, haven't you ever heard of a manage au three? Yeah, when two women are involved. Damn, damn, damn.

Oh, well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman. Oh!

And that's who she was with last.

Mr. Garrison. No!

No, no, God, no!

And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.

Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants, you are my best friend.

[in Polly's voice] I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric.

And you are not fat at all.

[in normal voice] Really, you don't think so?

[in Clyde's voice] No, you're not fat.

[in normal voice] Cool, that's cool.

[laughter]

Oh, Stanley, we just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was k*lled by a train this morning. Huh?

Oh, yeah. Is there anything we can do for you, son? How about some ice cream?

Yeah, with butterscotch. You bet, you poor dears.

Now the moment you've all been waiting for...

When one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 grand prize to be chosen tomorrow night.

The winner is... [drum roll]

"Little Boy's Tea Party." Whoohoo!

Whoa, yes! We're in the finals!

We're gonna win $10,000. Man, Cartman's gonna be famous.

Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.

Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem.

Another Cosmo please.

♪ ♪

All this time, why didn't you tell me, Father?

What the hell are you talking about, Eric?

It was you all along! You were with my mother the night of the drunken barn dance.

[gasps] Oh.

Garrison? That's impossible.

He's gay. I am not gay!

Then you did sleep with my mom?

No. He's gay!

Okay, okay, I admit it, I might've made love to your mother at the drunken barn dance, but who here didn't? Oh.

Now, come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?

Ooh.

I haven't.

You don't count, halfie. You don't have any legs.

Oh, yeah.

So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father.

I'm afraid you're never going to know.

♪ ♪

Don't feel too bad there, kid.

I never knew who my father was either.

I mean, I did know who he was, and, well, we had some great times together, and hunting and fishing, well, hell, you know what I mean.

♪ ♪

Wait, wait, I know a way to find out.

How? At my laboratory.

We can do DNA genetic testing.

I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.

Really? You can?

Yes, of course. I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny, but...

How much? $3,000 should cover it.

I don't have $3,000. Oh, never mind.

Dude, I can't wait to win that $10,000 on "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

I'm gonna buy the coolest go-kart ever.

I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.

Hey, guys. How's it going, Cartman?

Oh, fine. How are you guys?

Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, nothing. It's just nothing.

Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?

Well, I wanted to know who my dad is, but, to find out, they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3,000, and I don't have $3,000.

Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.

Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is. I just have to.

Maybe I could work at in sweatshop for a while.

Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play in my backyard for a while. Uh, Cartman, we know how you can get $3,000. You do?

Yeah, we have a video tape that's in the finals for "America's Stupidest Home Videos," and, if we win, we'll give you $3,000 of our $10,000 prize.

You will? Wow, you guys are the best.

Thanks, you guys. Uh, yeah.

And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

What kind of video did you guys make?

Uh, you'll see.

Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner.

Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos.

First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat on Master's Head."

Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.

Oh, but I've gotta put a hat on my master's head.

[laughs]

[laughter]

And now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has a Tea Party."

Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants.

You are my best friend.

[in Polly's voice] Oh, thank you, Eric.

[laughter]

Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy.

We're sure to win, Cartman.

Then you get your DNA money. I am so pissed off right now. They laughed hardest at our video... we're gonna win. We're gonna win.

And finally, our third contestant, "Young Child Gets Hit by a Train."

Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.

Hmm, I wonder if I can get this go-kart started.

[engine spluttering]

[vrooming]

Oh, I hope I don't get hit by a train.

Oh, I sure did.

[laughter]

Oh, my God, they videotaped k*lling Kenny!

You bastards!

Now that's what I call a joy ride.

[laughter]

And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit by a Train."

[laughter]

Dude, we lost! Damn it!

I am going to [bleep] k*ll you guys, seriously.

Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.

I won, I won! Grandpa!

Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3,000 runner-up prizes.

Well, see you next time.

Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3,000.

That's enough for you to do your DNA tests, k*ll you guys.

k*ll you guys.

[thunder crashes]

All right, from everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father to the people in this room.

Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski, myself, my friend, Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos.

Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but g*dd*mn! The test results are in the envelope. Shall I open it?

Yes, for God's sake, get on with it!

[mumbling] [gasps]

The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room.

The father is... narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father?

Is it Chief Running Water, or is it Chef?

Is it Mephesto?

Or that little monkey guy that follows him around?

Or is it Mr. Garrison?

No, he's gay. You go to hell!

You go to hell, and you die!

Narrator: Is it Jimbo? Ah!

Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Huh, where?

Narrator: Or could it be Ned? Could be.

Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?

Dad, how could you?

Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?

The answer is coming on an all-new "South Park" in just four weeks.

What?

Son of a bitch.

[twangy music]

♪