02x01 - Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus

[bunniefuu]

You've waited four weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is.

The shocking truth about Cartman's lineage will not be seen tonight...

Get ready for Canada's hottest action stars, Terrance and Phillip...

...in the HBC Movie of the Week.

Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story.

Before you today sits a m*rder*r. This monster entered the home...

...of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him in the head with this hammer.

That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance.

Terrance, you farted in court. I'm making a case for our defense.

Hair fibers. Blood samples. Nail clippings. A piece of his shirt.

A day planner with the m*rder scheduled.

k*ll DR. JEFFREY O'DWYER 8:15

Dr. O'Dwyer Time to have your head smashed in With my new hammer You may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God.

Would you like a monkey claw? Yes, please.

It feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.

The monkey claw is smelly.

Come on, get a move on. I ain't getting any younger.

My sentiments exactly. I see from your accent you're southern Canadian.

That is correct. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man.

You farted during the closing argument. I have, haven't I, Terrance?

The defense is making a mockery of this court.

They think farts are funny. They're not. Sustained.

My client, Terrance, is no more a m*rder*r than you or me.

He hates mean things. Would a m*rder*r go to the zoo and feed animals like this?

Of course not. In summation, find Terrance innocent, or else he'll k*ll you.

Just kidding. The defense rests.

g*dd*mn it. That isn't funny.

Madam Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?

We have. We have found Terrance, in the action...

...of m*rder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer-

Repeat that because we had some flatulence issues.

I said, we find-

We find Terrance-

Not guilty!

Did you hear that? You're not guilty.

You've saved me from the gas chamber!

That was fun. Let's go home and eat Kroff dinner.

Hear, hear. Looks like you got away with it.

Hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right? There are hard feelings.

You're both gonna pay for what you've done! Do you now why?

Because you're a d*ck? Because I hate you.

You think farting is funny. It isn't.

Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I-

I've hated you ever since I can remember.

I wish you both had cancer.

Cancer? Yes, in the head.

Head cancer? This is not the end. You'll rue this day.

Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip. Yes. Perhaps he's h*m*.

But we're not gay. We're not?

Let us return home. There we can eat Kroff dinner.

Yes. It's been a long day, and only Kroff dinner can calm my nerves.

Why does Scott try to convict me of m*rder every week?

I wonder what he'll try to do next. God only knows.

This subway is wonderful. It sure is. Let's look for treasure.

Yes, let's look for treasure.

- Hello? Is this Scott from Canada?

- Yes. You're a journalist, right?

I'm a television critic. I hear you hate Terrance and Phillip.

Yes. They think fart jokes are sophisticated comedy, but they're not.

What if I were to help you get rid of them?

Who is this? Someone who can help you if you help me.

Just call me your old pal, S*ddam Hussein. The Iraqi dictator?

I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest. What do you want?

You want them out of Canada. I want you to bring me and my friends in.

That sounds fair. Let's get started. I'm not sure I should trust you.

Hey, relax, guy. Trust me.

Too bad we didn't find any treasure, Phillip.

Hello, Ugly Bob. Hello, Terrance, Phillip.

You're looking hideously ugly. How come you say stuff like that?

Because you're ugly. I know, but-

You look like somebody tried to put out a fire with a screwdriver.

It's not what's on the outside that matters. It's what's on the inside.

No, it isn't.

Wanna see what's on the inside of me?

Wait. Why don't you put this paper bag over your head?

Yes. Then they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.

Really? Thanks. Maybe now I can score with chicks.

If they can't see how ugly you are, they'll want to sleep with you.

Thanks, you guys.

Hello, Barky. Hello, Purry.

I'm was about to make Kroff dinner. Would you like some?

I never turn down Kroff dinner, Phillip.

I'm going to put on a pirate costume.

Special delivery for Terrance. I'll take that.

Sign here and here and here and here and here.

And here.

Oh, Terrance! You got a letter.

At this rate, I'll never get to my Kroff dinner.

Oh, my God! What is it? Did you fart?

Sally's being held c*ptive in Iran. Not Sally. Dear God, no.

Why Sally? God, why? Who's Sally?

My daughter. I never knew you had one.

Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that? No, you never did.

Well, it all began 15 years ago.

Fascinating story! Especially the part about Celine Dion.

Yes. But now my Sally is being held c*ptive.

I have to go find her. I'll go with you.

You're such a good friend. A friend in need...

...is a friend with Kroff dinner. Avast there, mateys.

Hello, Celine Dion. Terrance. This is quite a surprise.

You're looking well. Where is our daughter, Sally?

In the Middle East studying anthropology. Why?

Wrong! She's being held prisoner. What?

Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her.

Terrance, what happened to us? We just grew apart.

Please bring our daughter home safe.

Hello, Ugly Bob. Hi.

How's the bag working out? People like it. I even have a date.

We need two tickets for Tehran. Iran is dangerous. Don't go there.

Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter.

There's a flight leaving today. Good.

I certainly am going to miss Canada. Indeed, Phillip.

If I die in Iran, please bring my body back and bury me in a box...

...with a side of Kroff dinner. Same here.

Come in, Red Dragon. Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.

Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.

We are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?

Yes. You promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive...

...they'll be ripped into pieces. Relax.

I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain. Roger. Scott out.

I've got you now, you fart-loving fart lovers.

I got you.

Spotted your bags.

How will I ever find my daughter here?

We don't speak the language, and we don't know where to begin.

Look. There she is.

Good. Who? Where?

I'm here, Sally. I'm here to save you from your Iranian captors.

She looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you.

Now I see the resemblance. Let's get home.

Now that I have her back, I feel like asking Celine...

...to marry me again. Looks like I'm losing a friend.

No. You're gaining a pop vocalist. My God! What is this?

Is this Canada? It seems to have changed.

This is madness!

How could Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?

Who is that smelly person in all these pictures?

I must take Sally back and see what Celine has to say.

I've brought our daughter back, and I want-

Could you come back a little later? Why?

I'm just a little busy. You've got a man over, don't you?

Well- Hi, guys.

It's Ugly Bob! What are you doing here?

I'm doing Celine Dion.

I was gonna make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob.

Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?

That's his name, bitch! You said it was Handsome Bob!

Look at him, Celine Dion!

Behold his horrible face! My God! He's heinously ugly!

And now I'm pregnant! What?

No! I'm going to have a freak baby!

Oh, the humanity!

You helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip. I appreciate that.

Why are there pictures of you all over? Don't worry. You just need a rest.

I don't. I wanna know what this is about.

I'm just making it so Terrance and Phillip can never come back.

Then I'm gonna head back to Iran.

I thought you were from Iraq. What's the difference? Relax.

Something very not good is happening to Canada.

Yes, I agree whole-fartedly.

What are you guys doing here? Hello, Scott.

You're supposed to be looking for your kidnapped-

How are you guys today? What were you saying?

Nothing. Why? Hey, guess what?

What?

I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I abhor you both!

What are you doing? I'm wishing cancer upon you.

Cancer! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.

Stop that! Hey, don't give me cancer.

The U.S. government is becoming worried. Worried? About what? Relax!

You seem to be taking over Canada. Taking over Canada? Me?

I'm not hiding any bombs. We didn't say anything about bombs.

You didn't? Hey, relax.

You've got three years to clear out. After that, we'll b*mb Iran.

I'm from Iraq. Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?

I hate Americans! Please let me k*ll them! Relax, guy.

We take over Canada, then we'll have the best female pop vocalists.

Then we'll take over the U.S., Europe, China, Newfoundland, then the world!

What's so funny? Nothing. Relax.

Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada. Really?

You promised me they'd be gone for good.

I changed my mind. Pray that I don't change it any further.

This deal's getting worse all the time.

Hey, Terrance, let's watch American TV.

Yeah, let's watch all their stupid TV shows.

Here's a show.

F**k you!

That's stupid. Their TV shows are lame.

The father of Eric Cartman is-

Look at their silly heads. They look like groundhogs.

S*ddam Hussein has signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect...

...his m*llitary operations. When asked if he would uphold the agreement...

...Hussein replied, "Relax, you need a rest."

Isn't that the guy in the pictures all over town?

Yes, it is. He's some kind of Turkish dictator.

We just can't sit here and let Canada be overrun by the Turks.

That fart sounded like a ringing phone. It sure did, Phillip.

Wait. That is the phone.

- Hello? Terrance, this is Scott.

It's Scott. Tell him he's a smelly bastard.

- Phillip says hello. Shut up.

You've unleashed a monster and only you can get rid of him...

...even though I hate you. You're a d*ck.

You're a d*ck. You're a d*ck.

You're a d*ck. You're a d*ck.

You're a d*ck. You two are the most annoying dicks.

You give other Canadians a bad name. Can you hold on a minute?

How do you like that? You son of a bitch-

Wait, another call. Can you hang on? Sure.

That was Sir Smelly. He says hello. g*dd*mn it!

Wait a second. Sure. I mean, no!

If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff restaurant.

Ugly Bob, I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.

Maybe the baby will have your face. We can only hope.

We'll be okay as long as you keep that bag on your head.

What's this?

My name's S*ddam. I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion.

No. She's my bitch. Who are you?

I'm Ugly Bob because I have the features of a burn victim.

I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see.

I'm sorry. I could cure that face of yours.

You could? I need a favor.

There's a football game tomorrow. RoughRiders vs. RoughRiders.

At that game, I'll turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.

What? Why? Don't worry about that.

Take a load off. Look over here.

I need Celine to sing our Iranian national anthem...

...to finalize my hostile takeover. Did you say hostile takeover?

No, no. Relax there, fella.

Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up.

Why don't we search for treasure? Good idea. Let's search for treasure.

What are you doing? Looking for treasure.

Is that a metaphor for a search that can't be described?

We're searching for treasure. I have a scoop.

There's an Iraqi dictator who is taking over Canada.

You mean S*ddam Smelly. What are you doing about it?

What do you mean? You brought the Iraqis...

...on your plane when you rescued your daughter.

We are to blame? Now you must make amends.

Tomorrow, S*ddam will try to finalize his takeover at the football game.

It's your only sh*t at wiping them out. Here.

What's this? A b*mb. Strap it to yourselves...

...and sacrifice your lives to take them out.

That sounds scary. You must do it for Canada.

For Canada, Terrance. For Canada, Phillip.

And when the dust has settled, Canada will be rid of both...

...the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.

I'm very sad we have to die for Canada. This b*mb will blow us both to smithereens...

...but we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.

Funny. Terrance, that fart gives me pause.

Why is that? S*ddam uses chemical warfare, right?

Yes, he does. We must call every Canadian we can.

It sounds like you have an idea. I do, Terrance.

The RoughRiders are giving the RoughRiders a run for their money.

The RoughRiders are simply outmatched by these RoughRiders.

S*ddam and the Electric Iraqis in a salute to hostile takeovers.

I guess it's time, old friend. Yes. Prepare the alert.

Hello, my Canadian friends. Relax, take a rest, put your feet up.

You may have noticed some changes. The changes will continue.

I'm here to announce that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad.

You will bow down to me as your ruler. You will obey my laws or be k*lled.

Now, sing the Iraqi national anthem or be stabbed in the head.

Now, Phillip? Now, Terrance.

What the hell is this?

They're using chemical warfare. How could they?

We did it! We destroyed the Turks! Glorious day!

Terrance, you've saved Canada! It was all Phillip's idea.

God bless you. Don't touch me, Ugly Bob.

You were supposed to be blown up. We had a better plan.

After all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada.

That is so juvenile! Do you like apples?

Of course.

How do you like them apples? I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!

You never finished that national anthem. You're right, Terrance. You're right.

Who is Eric Cartman's father? Find out...

...on an all-new South Park in just a few weeks.