02x02 - Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut

[bunniefuu]

Sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park...

...gather to find out which one fathered this boy.

Who is Eric Cartman's father?

At the end of tonight's episode, you will know.

Now, to continue.

The father is someone in this room. This is the longest minute of my life.

Hey, Kenny.

Gentlemen, the father is...

Hey, what the hell's going on? It's a power outage.

Is everybody okay?

That sounded like a g*nsh*t. Oh, my God! Look!

Oh, my God! They k*lled Mephisto.

You bastards! Mephisto's been sh*t!

Is he dead? Hey, this window is sh*t out too.

That means the k*ller was not in this room.

- Then who was it? Who sh*t Mephisto?

Was it the school counselor? Was it Ms. Crabtree?

- Or was it-? I didn't find out who my father was!

- Or was it Mrs. Broflovski? Wait, he's breathing. He's not dead.

Who's my father? We have to get him to the hospital.

You've got to be kidding me! Come on, children.

That poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this.

There's a m*rder*r in South Park! We have to find who it is before they k*ll again!

God only knows who they'll k*ll next.

Who will they k*ll next?

Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?

Is he awake yet? He's bleeding bad.

Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter Birney towel!

A Meredith Baxter Birney towel? I was with Meredith Baxter Birney in this car.

Afterwards we used that towel to- Wait, why am I telling you this?

Could you pull over? We have to get to the hospital.

I have to get out. I can't stand hospitals.

We gotta drop Mephisto off. Then we can get out of there.

It's really snowing! I hope they don't close the roads.

They can't. Mephisto can't die.

Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is.

No way. I can't stand to leave things unfinished.

Like when you hear the first part of the song "Come Sail Away."

If I hear that, I have to finish it.

Really? Yeah, I can't do anything until it's done.

No, don't!

Whoa, dude.

What are we gonna do, Mayor? A k*ller is on the loose.

We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety!

Where are our children?

Officer Barbrady, let's pretend we had a competent law enforcer in this town.

What would he do?

That's a good question, Mayor.

Let me get right on that with thinking.

Mayor, Mayor!

The press is here. My name is Sid Greenfield.

I'm the director from I.A. for America's Most Wanted.

You certainly made it here quickly. We're desperate for stories.

And this one is so compelling. Really?

Sure, this story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking.

It's a real American story. I thought of something.

No, wait, that's subtraction.

Mr. Director-person, what do you want to do?

Mayor, shouldn't we be focusing-? We want to do a re-creation for our show.

Then we'll flash a number people can call if they have information about the sh**t.

That's it. You win, we win. America wins.

This won't make our town look dangerous?

America's Most Wanted is not about v*olence, it's about family.

It is? Well, in that case, I guess it's okay.

We'll get started with auditions. What part should we cast first?

Who will the director cast first?

Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady? Chef?

I want an abortion. We can do that.

This must be a difficult time, Mrs...?

Cartman. It's such a hard decision...

...but I don't feel like I can raise a child in this screwy world.

If you don't feel fit to raise a child, an abortion is the answer.

Do you know the time of conception? About eight years ago.

I see, so the fetus is...? 8 years old.

Eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion.

Really?

Yes, this is what we refer to as the 40th trimester.

But I just don't think I'm a fit mother. We prefer to abort babies earlier on.

There's a law against abortions after the second trimester.

Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body!

If you want to change the law you'll have to speak with your congressman.

Well, that's exactly what I intend to do. Good day!

Come on, we gotta find a doctor. I can't do it.

Hospitals aren't that bad. Yeah, stop being a wuss.

Doctor! One moment.

Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentothal, stat!

Whoa, she doesn't have arms. We're an equal opportunity employer.

We've got a sh*t cr*cker outside.

I'll be with you after I inject this man. I'm gonna be sick.

There, there. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of.

I think you're hitting the bone.

I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside.

Oops, he's hemorrhaging.

His head fell off. I'm getting out of here.

Stan! Some people have a weak stomach.

The father of Eric Cartman is-

Bang! Jiminy, I've been sh*t.

We'll get back to you. I've seen enough genetic engineers.

Let's move on to the auditions for Mr. Garrison.

Call the Mr. Garrison auditions.

I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.

You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!

I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.

You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

Thank you. Next! What?!

Next!

I hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.

You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. Perfect! You got it.

Let's move on to the Chefs.

So you see, Congressman O'Reilly...

...that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.

I know third trimester abortions are illegal. I don't know anything about 40th.

The person at Unplanned Parenthood...

...said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.

I think you've got to talk to the governor about that.

Oh, dear.

This is all I can do for him. I have to know who my father is!

Sorry, it might be a while. Wake up, you son of a bitch!

That's not gonna do any good. I'll let you know if there's a change.

I can't wait. What am I supposed to do? Hey, Cartman!

What?

Let's get out of here. I don't know if that's gonna be easy.

That's a hell of a storm. Weak.

I hate mountains. This better not push back our sh**ting schedule.

Let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we sh**t it.

Who's that? That's TV's Eric Roberts.

We were able to get him to play the little monkey guy.

Talk about washed up. Great to have you, Eric!

Here we go. And, action!

I want to announce who the father is. Bang.

I've been sh*t.

Nobody move. I'm a law officer. He's gone into cardiac arrest.

You seem unnerved by this, Chef.

Are you accusing me? If you are, don't hide behind your clever riddles!

Our differences must be set aside.

I'm simply a man. A man trying to do my job.

Wow, this is a good movie.

When can we get out of here?

Doctor, I can't focus. We're doing the best we can.

They've closed the pass and no doctors can get through.

For now, it's me and Nurse Goodly. Wait a second, they've closed the pass?

Yes, we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help...

...these people are completely f**ked.

Metaphorically speaking. What about Mephisto?

Are you taking care of him? He's on life support.

He shouldn't need any help. So long as the power doesn't go out.

Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?

Tonight on America's Most Wanted...

...a sh**t is loose in Colorado, and the residents are up in arms!

Here's your host, John Walsh.

Welcome to America's Most Wanted.

Tonight, terror invaded South Park, Colorado...

...when Dr. Mephisto was gunned down in his laboratory.

America's Most Wanted has reconstructed this crime...

...in hopes your calls can help solve the case.

I've been sh*t. Mr. Hat, get some help!

Right away, Mr. Garrison!

No! My lifetime partner and friend, taken away in the wink of an eye. Fortune...

What the-? Eric Roberts is improvising lines again.

I'm gonna get him to a hospital. Who will help?

This is not a world I want to live in. It is an angry-

What the hell is this? We've lost the feed to I.A.

We seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew.

I guess we'll be going to our feature movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?

Somebody go see why we lost the hookup.

Holy smokes! That blizzard is getting crazy.

Don't panic. The power lines are down but the backup generator is running fine.

Nurse, I could use some help. Coming.

Lady, is Mephisto going to be okay?

Yes, for now. But the generator won't run for long.

The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.

Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here.

Sorry.

Don't you see, governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want.

Well, I don't know. I might need some more convincing.

What right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world?

Then again, I should have thought of that before having sex. I don't know.

I have 100 people to tend to, and only myself and Nurse Goodly.

What do you want me to do?

- Do you know about surgery? I used to watch Quincy.

Why didn't you say so? Put on scrubs! Boys, I'm making you honorary doctors.

You can help us save lives. No way, dude!

We're not going anywhere for a long time.

We're snowed in? Yes, we're trapped.

Like sailors on a submarine.

My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.

I have to get out. I haven't eaten since breakfast.

I'm getting hungry too.

I hope you all realize what we might be facing.

Our only option might be to eat each other to stay alive.

It's only been four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism quickly?

That's the law of land.

It ain't pretty, but if a few must die so the rest can live, so be it.

But how do we decide who? Well, we draw straws.

We all had a big breakfast. Can't you go without eating for a while?

Calm down! We need every person to keep his head. Barbrady, fetch some straws.

Who the hell made you the boss?

Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar-

His appendix has burst! I have to operate with our limited power.

I need you to be strong. Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia.

Chef, act as her arms. Boys, help with suction and bandages.

Ready? No!

I'll make an incision over the heart. Oh, boy.

You barfed into the incision! Sweet!

Suction!

- They're screwing with the lights! Who is screwing with the lights?

Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo?

- Or the 1991 Denver Broncos? That is really starting to piss me off.

So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing.

Wait. Where the hell is the short one? The short what?

When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short!

That's how you decide who loses. That's not how I played.

Could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling.

I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator.

They built a self-sustaining generator for this kind of emergency.

It's away from the hospital. How do we get to it?

We split up into two teams. Team A and Team B.

Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef and Nurse Goodly.

Team B will consist of Kenny.

Team B, your goal will be to turn on the backup generator.

To do this, you must get into this sewage duct.

Team A will go to the holding area where there is a television and cocoa.

We will drink cocoa and watch TV until Team B makes it through the duct.

By that time, Team B- That's you, Kenny...

...should reach the outer core of the generator.

It will be a dangerous climb. There could be velociraptors.

Once you reach the top, you will see us through this window watching TV.

Then you can proceed into the generator and power it on.

Any questions? No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.

Right, then let's do it. Go team!

I can't go on.

So hungry.

We're all going to die in this horrible place.

We have to have energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.

How can we?

How could we live with ourselves? There's only one answer. Eat Eric Roberts!

Yes, of course. Nobody gives as * *t about Eric Roberts.

Eat Eric Roberts!

No! No, please!

Well, there's no going back now. We're cannibals. God save us.

God wants you to live. Fight.

I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected.

This snow isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it!

What time is it, Barbrady? It's almost midnight.

I can't go on.

We'll give the storm an hour. After that we might have to eat again.

Christ! Are you people diabetic or something?

- Team B? Come in, Team B. This is Team B.

We found another path to the generator.

There's a nice heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through sewage.

Well, forget I said that then.

You should see a large drift of snow with metal sticking out of it.

Good, head towards it. Team A out.

What if Mephisto never wakes up? And I never find out who my father is?

My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is!

Doing what we must to survive.

It is amazing what people do under stress.

Look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those, or who.

Who built the pyramids?

Was it the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?

Roger, Team B. He's reached the backup generator.

Team B, can you see the two copper nodes? Good.

Now, is there a wire connecting them?

The wire connecting the nodes is gone. We need to complete the circuit.

Do you have any wire? There's no time.

Once these lights flicker out, the patients on life support will die.

You can't. There must be some other way. He's gonna make the connection...

...with his hands. He'll die!

Go, Kenny! Kenny, no!

Oh, my God! They've k*lled Kenny. You bastards!

The power! Quickly, get the scanner running again.

We've got a chance now!

Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman. I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.

Thank you, thank you!

We'll have the pregnancy terminated.

Terminated? Yes, that's what an abortion is.

I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do.

What's that other A word? Adoption?

Yes, that's what I mean. Adoption. That's pretty different.

I should tell my son the truth about everything. Good day, Mr. President.

We made it. The power is on, the snow is melting...

...and Mephisto is doing fine.

Where am I? You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephisto.

You were sh*t. We don't know who tried to sh**t you, but-

I'm sure it was my brother. He tries to sh**t me every month.

Where's the fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephisto is awake.

He's looking for Kenny.

He was a good friend, and I'll miss him. He risked his life so Mephisto could live.

Yeah, and now he's a freezy pop.

Do you think if we hit him, he'd shatter? Let's find out!

It's over. We're free. Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison?

At what cost?

Listen, we did what we had to in there.

But how will we live with ourselves now?

One day at a time, Mayor. One day at a time.

I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts. Anybody else want some?

I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is.

First, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing-

Tell us, already! All right.

The father of Eric Cartman is-

Did anybody see that Terrance & Phillip Special last month?

Wasn't that just the funniest-? Tell me who my father is!

As I said before, the father is somebody in this room.

The father is...

...Mrs. Cartman.

What? Yes, it's true.

No, that doesn't make sense.

It took a while for me to understand as well.

You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite.

Meaning what?

Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.

It's true.

You mean at the Drunken Barn Dance when we all got together with her...

...she was a he?

No, no, not exactly. But she did have a penis.

Hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric...

...means that she is his father...

...and she got a woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.

Man, this is f**king weak.

You're a fat-ass, and your mom's a "hermaphalite."

I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. I just thought it would be a little shocking.

Wow. You think so, Mom?

That's that. Thank you all for playing. Wait a minute.

If she's my dad, then who's my mom?

Who is Eric Cartman's mother?

Is it Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?

Forget it!