02x03 - Ike's Wee Wee

[bunniefuu]

Children, each of you gets to choose two books from the Booktastic Bus.

Reading sucks ass! Eric, shut up!

Boring. Boring. Gay. Boring. Boring.

Hey, guys. Check out these books.

- Sabrina Unchained. These books look cool.

There's a lot of big words in these.

I see you're discovering the magic of reading.

Who are you? I drive the Booktastic Bus...

...where magic begins.

Reading opens up whole new worlds to you.

You can take a canoe down the Amazon or go to Camelot...

...or become a racecar driver, all by opening a book.

The magic of reading. Gosh. Shut up, dude.

Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in to the magic.

If we read, are we gonna be like him? Books aren't magical.

I don't know, I'm getting a tingly feeling.

What was that? I don't know. Let's go see.

Being an officer means a lot of things.

It's a hard job, but then again, I'm a hard man.

People think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do.

Well, they're wrong.

All units! Report to 254 Avenue de los Mexicanos.

Possible hostile situation.

You see! This could be a bank robbery, or possibly even a m*rder.

This ain't no Podunk little town.

Your wife called.

- She wants you to get pizza. g*dd*mn it!

Okay, people, move along! There's nothing to see here.

What's the trouble? Where's the body?

I just caught some guy having sex with one of my chickens.

My God! That's disgusting!

How do you have sex with a chicken? Boys, move along.

This isn't for young eyes to see. Did you see the suspect?

No, I didn't see anything. It just happened so fast.

Well, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?

We're gonna grab some lunch and get some sh*ts of those turtles down at the pond.

Camel poo!

What's this? It looks like a note.

Give me that! That's a clue, and you'll get your DNA all over it.

What does it say?

It says, "Sorry I had sex with the chicken. I won't do it again. Bye."

There you have it. Case closed.

What's wrong with you?

"Nothing to see here" and "Case closed. " We want justice.

We have to find this sicko.

Return to your homes before I start arresting people.

For what, orderly conduct? Fishing without a license.

I'm not fishing. What do you call this then?

If you do not comply, I'll be forced to execute each of you...

...by g*nsh*t to the head.

That's right. Return to your simple lives. Forget this happened.

Forget. Forget.

Barbrady is acting weird. I wonder what's wrong.

Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you?

Sir, can I help you?

Give me two cheeseburgers and some jalape??oppers.

There's just one problem.

- What's that? We're a bank.

I know, smarty-pants! Do you think I'm some kind of idiot?

Yes.

I can't go on living this lie.

With chickens being violated, the South Park police...

...are under pressure to solve the case of the chickenf**ker.

We go live to where Officer Barbrady and the mayor are fielding questions.

Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?

Well, nobody can say for sure. No motive has yet been established.

Do the police have any leads?

Both 3D computer modeling and intensive seismology...

...have not given us any leads yet.

Has chickenf**ker left any clues?

All right, all right! I can't read!

There, I said it. I can't read.

Are you happy? You pushed and pushed, and now you know my secret.

I'm illegitimate.

I'm not fit to be a policeman. I retire!

Thank you for coming. There's coffee and brownies out front.

So Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence.

South Park will have to manage without any police force for a while-

This just in! South Park has plunged into total anarchy.

Two seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady...

...looting erupted in the town.

This is k*ller!

With no cops, we can do what we want.

What's going on? I don't know.

Oh, my God! They've k*lled- Never mind.

I don't believe it. All this time, Barbrady did keep this town peaceful.

Who knew? I thought he was an idiot. He is.

What do you plan to do about the riots? No reason for concern.

I want to assure you that Officer Barbrady is still our active police force.

He's illiterate. What do you plan to do?

Plan? I don't- Reading classes. Plain and simple.

By the mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on leave of absence to learn to read.

Right. It's back to school with Officer Barbrady.

Children, we have a new student joining us.

Please say hi to Officer Barbrady.

I can't see, dude.

Since our focus has been on reading, let's review the basics.

Yes, what is it? I need to go poopies.

In school we go to the bathroom before and after class.

Christ! How do you kids do it?

Does anyone have suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?

How about a brain transplant? Let's be supportive of our new student.

Give him the environment he needs to thrive.

I'm going to write a sentence and I want us to help Officer Barbrady read it.

Give it a sh*t, Officer Barbrady.

Wrong! Try again, dumb-ass!

Maybe we should try something easier.

We can work our way up to the hard ones.

Go ahead, Barbrady. Don't be scared.

Did you hear that, Mr. Hat? Sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a ret*rd.

Did you learn how to read this way? We fake it to shut him up.

Okay. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Let's try again.

Say, what are nice chickens like you doing in a coop like this?

I hope you had a good time reading your books...

...and are prepared for your book reports.

Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat?

How about Stan or Kyle?

Eric, why don't you go first?

What's the matter? Not prepared again? I'm prepared!

I read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

It was very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

No, I can't say that I have. Good!

In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, hippies walk around and paint.

They eat and then they find a magical camel, which they eat to stay alive.

That's pretty much it. I give it a B minus. I give you an F. Now sit down.

g*dd*mn it!

Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report?

I've just finished the heartwarming novel Go, Dog, Go.

I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche.

If I may read a passage?

"Big dog...

...little dog.

A red dog on a..."

I don't want to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward...

...an incredible twist turn that parallels my own life.

Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book report.

I'll give you an A.

Hooray!

Goody two-shoes!

Officer Barbrady enjoys being at school too much.

Isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?

Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?

Oh, my God! They k*lled- Oh, never mind.

Well, how's the reading coming along? Pretty good.

We need you to speed this up. The chickenf**ker struck again last night.

When we're around children, we prefer to call him the chickenlover.

This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken.

She's catatonic. Carla Weathers or the chicken?

The perpetrator left this at the crime scene.

I can't read this. It has silent E's.

You have to learn to read faster. I'm doing the best I can.

I got an A on my book report.

Either you learn to read quick...

...or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever.

Hey, what'd you do that for? Just dramatic effect. Sorry.

Oh, boy. I'm in big trouble.

I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.

It's cool. We'll help you. Hey, that's right, you can help me.

Under Article 39, Section 2 of police code...

...I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.

I wanna be a cop! You boys will be my deputies.

You can help me restore order, catch the chickenlover...

...and swing me on the swing set.

Do I get a nightstick? Sure. Nightsticks for everybody!

You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll solve the chickenlover case.

10-4, sergeant.

What did that clue say again?

Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft."

To the Booktastic Bus, deputies. We haven't a moment to spare.

Good day. Welcome to the magical world of reading.

We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft.

That's a very magical book. Full of wonders-

Just give us the damn book, fruitcake!

What's it say? It says...

What's this word? "I."

Oh, yeah.

"I..."

Here, give me that. "I am Bumbly Wumbly. I live in the pond."

Maybe that means Stark's Pond. That's quick thinking, deputy.

Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately.

Hey!

Yes, officer?

I clocked you at 40 miles an hour. Do you know what the speed limit is?

According to that sign there, it's 40 miles an hour.

Step out of the car, sir. Aren't you Stan's little friend?

Sir, step out of the car, please.

You're the one who plugs up the toilet at our house.

I am a cop and you will respect my "authority"!

Right. You better get back to school, little boy.

Get your ass to jail!

What the hell are you doing? You can't do that!

Sweet.

Weak, dude. We're too late. The chickens don't seem to mind.

This is terrible.

Who would have sex with a chicken? I would.

You couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have legs.

Oh, yeah.

Have respect for people's feelings. Would you, Halfy?

Come on. We need to look for another clue.

Here! I found one. What's it say?

It says, "Read Teetle the Timid Ta- The Taxi-"

What's this word? I don't know.

" Taxidermist."

I read it! I read it all by myself!

is en route to 496 Broadway.

I've been working this b*at for three days.

You have to have thick skin, or these people walk on you.

You have to go undercover to get the worst of them.

PROSTITUTION STING 9:42 PM WESTSIDE Hi there, little lady. Hi there. What are you doing tonight?

Hopefully spending time with you, gorgeous. Is $20 enough?

Sir, step out of the car, please.

What? Is this a bust?

Sir, step out of the car.

Wait a minute. You're a kid.

Maybe this will teach you to listen to "authority"!

Hey, what are you doing?

Stop it!

Yeah, sometimes upholding the law is messy.

But you get by.

One day at a time.

I got a TV. Come on.

"Teetle the timid taxidermist...

...loves to-"

g*dd*mn, reading is lame!

How's it going?

Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop!

Come on, dude, it's not that hard. It is too!

Read the sentence.

"Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet...

...pet-"

Come on, dumb-ass. You can do it. "Pet-"

Wait a minute.

Conjugate the verb.

Conjugate the verb.

Yes. Conjugate the verb.

Petting.

Petting zoo.

He loves to go to the petting zoo!

Boys, we're off.

DEP. ERIC CARTMAN STREET PATROL All units. All units. 5- 12 at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos. Request assistance.

Could you step out of the car? We're fine, officer.

And who's in here with you?

Me, my wife, my brother, my wife's cousin, his son...

...my brother's girlfriend, our kids, my brother's girlfriend's mother and Bob.

Poor people tend to live in clusters. What? What did you say?

Nothing. Sir, is this some kind of-?

I want him out of my house. He ain't worth as **t. He can't hold a f**king job.

Shut up, bitch!

Let's try to watch the language. There's children present.

You lazy motherf**ker! Look what she did to my f**king eye!

I'll do it again!

Mom hit Dad again.

The thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one...

...is to calm everybody down.

Respect my "authority"!

All units. All units! We have a 5-20 on the suspect.

Report to the South Park Petting Zoo immediately.

Chickenlover.

Keep your eyes peeled, boys.

Somebody is gonna make love to this chicken any minute.

Maybe we were wrong about the clue. Maybe you read it wrong.

Oh, no!

Keep your eyes peeled.

Look!

He's here! Grab him!

Damn it. Can't this thing go any faster?

Oh, my God! They've k*lled- g*dd*mn it!

I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!

I think that's a mask, dude.

Dude, it's the bookmobile driver.

Caught you red-handed. Indeed, you did.

How did you know I would strike here?

By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist.

Really? Then it worked!

My plan worked absolutely perfectly! What are you talking about?

When I heard Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I had to motivate him.

So I formed a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading.

So you f**ked a bunch of chickens? Exactly. Don't you see?

Only by f**king chickens could I get Officer Barbrady...

...to become literate. That doesn't make sense, dude.

Oh, no? He who was blind, can now see.

I got Officer Barbrady to read. My plan worked perfectly.

Well, I guess I should say thanks?

You're welcome. You've proven that you're ready for the big time.

I give you this hardback of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

Freeze! Put your hands in the air! Cartman!

I got reports that the suspect is in this area.

He is. It turns out the bookmobile driver was the one making love to chickens.

That hurts!

Dude! Cartman!

No, no, that's not how you uphold the law.

But he is not listening to my "authority."

You've got it all wrong, my little friend. You do it like this.

Get them in the head. They go down quicker.

You should leave police work to the professionals.

I'm relieving you of your duties.

I've proved that I can read and now I'm back on the job.

Hey, so what are you gonna do now? Now?

Well, I...

I think I'll get in the bathtub and then curl up with a good book.

Today, South Park held a parade...

...to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the chickenf**ker case.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

Speech! Speech! What?

They want you to give a speech about the last couple of days.

Okay. Well, first I'd like to thank the town of South Park.

The town that bore me and eventually will rob me of my life precious.

Second, to all those out there who think they can screw chickens...

...just to teach people to read, your days are numbered!

And finally, I'd like to say that reading totally sucks ass.

At first, I was happy to learn how to read.

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

I read every word of this, and because of this s **t...

...I'm never reading again!

Hooray for Barbrady!

I guess reading does suck ass. That's what I've been saying all along.

I'm glad everything's okay and Barbrady got his job back.

It's poetic justice. Thanks, boys.