02x05 - Conjoined Fetus Lady

[bunniefuu]

It's Friday. You know what that means for P.E. class.

We're gonna play dodge ball.

We don't wanna play. It hurts.

Let's have half the children on this side and half on that side.

Excuse me. I don't know how to play.

Don't you have dodge ball in France? I'm not from France.

That team is gonna try to bean our team in the head with a ball.

If the ball hits you, you're out. If you catch it, he's out.

The team to have anybody standing wins. What fun!

I can't believe we play this in school.

Play ball.

Damn it! We lost one already. You're out, Clyde.

Jordan, Swanson, pull forward. We need backup.

We're losing men fast out here!

Concentrate on your game. Be the ball.

I caught it!

Great catch. Now your team's on offense.

Pip, you throw. I couldn't.

Are you gonna be a little French pansy your whole life?

I'm not French. Throw the ball!

If you didn't eat all those croissants, you'd be able-

Good, but you're supposed to hit the other team.

You broke my nose! I didn't know you had it in you.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. You might have to go to the nurse's office.

No! It'll be okay.

Sorry. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. No!

He's going to the nurse's office. I heard the nurse is hideously deformed.

I heard she has tentacles and eats children.

Stan, has anybody actually seen the nurse and come back to tell about it?

No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.

Are you Kyle Broflovski? Yes.

I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?

Why are your eyes closed? I won't hurt you.

I know. So open them.

What's the problem? I hit my nose playing dodge ball.

Well, I'll get you an ice pack.

What?

You've noticed my disorder.

I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.

When she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.

Did it talk? The little fetus.

No, it looked dead.

Was it wearing clothes?

Where's she gonna get fetus clothes? Oh, yeah.

Then she walked over- That is enough!

I'm reading up on her condition. It's nothing to be made fun of.

It's called conjoined twin myslexia. Who cares? As long as she doesn't touch me.

Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against.

Sometimes when babies are born, they're born as twins.

Sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins.

Sometimes after Siamese twins are joined, one of them dies before birth.

The living baby is born with the dead baby attached.

Sometimes this dead twin is inside the living person...

...so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it.

Now that you're educated about her disease, you won't make fun of her, right?

Yeah.

Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?

Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day.

Hello? Sheila, it's Sharon. Stan's mother?

Yes. Hello.

Do you know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

I have to get it out!

I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.

This is your fault. Would you do me a favor?

Next time you wanna scare my child, sit in the road until a truck runs you over.

That does it. I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!

Why dodge ball again? I thought we only played on Fridays.

Great news! We've been asked to play in the state finals for dodge ball.

Do we have to? Can't we play with that parachute again?

If we can win state, we can play in the nationals in Washington, D.C.

They have a zoo.

That's right. Come on, we have a lot of practicing to do.

Shouldn't we have won something in order to go?

Pip, wanna be on my team? Love to.

Try not to send anybody to that monster nurse, Frenchy.

I get disturbed when you call me that. I hate French people.

It certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face. What's pissing you off today?

Nothing is pissing me off. I wanna start a movement.

Of course you do.

I wanna talk to you all about your school nurse.

Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be-

I'm not upset about her. I wanna make the public aware of her.

Her disease should be brought to light so it can be understood.

And what disease is that?

Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.

What's that? She has a dead fetus attached to her head.

She does? You never noticed that?

No. I never did. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

This woman lives in the shadows because she feels like an outcast.

It is up to us to make her feel welcome in our town.

Did you say a fetus sticking out from her head?

I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house.

I'd appreciate it if both of you attend. Do we have to eat kosher stuff?

I'll talk to Nurse Gollum. She'll be delighted. Around 8?

Wonderful. You did say she has a fetus on her head?

Okay, children. Who's gonna win the state finals?

Denver?

We need to get off on this exit. Sit down, kid!

It's quicker to get to the Denver school. Do you want an office referral?

I'm not a student. You can't give me an office referral.

I said, sit down! Yes, ma'am.

Dude! This is a school?

I'm Bob Thomas, coach for the Denver Cougars.

I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows. Thank you for bringing your team.

Nobody would play us. They knew we'd b*at them.

I told the school board to find a hick school. Here you are.

You're from South Park? Yeah.

Amazing where people live nowadays. Might as well get this over with.

Gotta think about D.C. We won't make it too painful.

Play ball.

Where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum? Colorado State.

Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus? I mean, gravy.

Damn it, come on! Somebody catch the ball.

All right, five more of the little bastards to go.

I caught it! Not fair. He's so fat, it stuck in his belly.

South Park on offense. Great job. Stay focused, now.

Go for it, Pip.

Bother. Come on, you Frenchy little frog!

Great sh*t, Pip.

The South Park Cows are playing for the state finals in dodge ball tonight.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter, though. The Denver team always wins.

I think our boys might have the dead fetus to win- Heart!

Keep your mouth shut! It's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.

Please forgive us. I'm sorry. I'm quite secure with it.

I've felt bad since I heard the boys making fun of you.

Joking lets them come to terms with what they don't understand.

Could I get more pork? Ever think of having it cut off?

The thought occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.

I suppose that's out. How about a hat? I don't need-

We could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day.

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not necessary.

We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks like you.

A Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. That has a nice ring.

I don't think- The school could put out pamphlets.

And we could have seminars to educate.

This is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now.

You got one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are state champions.

If you don't, you're a big, dumb-ass European, hippie piece of crap.

Get him, Frenchy!

South Park wins!

We did it, children. We're going to Washington, D.C.

It hurts.

Mommy, it hurts. It hurts.

Sorry about whupping your ass there, coach.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a great week for South Park.

Ms. Hermans opened the east wing of the library.

Our own South Park Cows dodge ball team is going to the national finals...

...where they will be beaten senseless by the Washington team.

Most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious disease:

Conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this...

...that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!

Now let's kick off our weeklong festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade.

Let's hear it for these brave souls!

What a glorious parade that was. Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!

I should accompany those kids to Washington in case they get hurt.

This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.

How much farther is Washington, D.C.? Sit down, kid!

I need to know how far it is. I said, sit down!

Whatever. You old dried-up fat hog. What did you say?

I said I've always wanted to visit Prague. Me too.

What have you got? Hackafish, gefogga...

I got a jellyroll! Sweet. Jellyroll's perfect. Places.

Damn, man. This is the big time, all right.

We're hungry. You can eat after.

You win, you're national champions. Then you can play the Chinese.

My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.

Are you Chef? Yeah.

The Washington team forfeited. You're national champions.

What? We did it. Children, we won! Wow! That was easy.

The South Park Cows!

Why did you forfeit?

You don't know? Last year's champions were the Austin Pirates.

They played China for the championship. Only four came back alive.

Chinese dodge ball players aren't like us.

They do nothing but dodge ball. Day in, day out.

They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them animals.

We've got our futures to think about. Children, back in the bus.

At this honorary dinner, we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum...

...and the brave life she has lived. Roll tape.

Oh, no.

That was so touching.

Now it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award.

This goes to outstanding conjoined twins who made a mark on society.

And the winner is... Nurse Gollum.

Nurse Gollum!

Oh, boy.

I received some news you might be interested in.

Our South Park Cows have beaten Washington...

...and are on their way to the world championship in China.

Children, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game.

We don't wanna play the Chinese. If we win, we're world champions.

We could get k*lled! What price would you pay for eternal glory?

Imagine, a big yellow "dodge ball champions" banner hanging in the cafeteria.

Chef's lost it.

It'll be on the news. South Park will have a sport that it's good at.

Children, it'll be glorious.

Yeah. Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?

What does that mean? Nothing.

Isn't Kevin Chinese? Yeah. You're from China.

I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.

Tell us how they play dodge ball. I have no idea.

Come on, rice-picker. Hey! Children, that's not cool.

Don't make fun of somebody's ethnicity.

You don't? You ripped on Chinese people.

That's different. I made fun of them because they are from China.

It's not okay to make fun of an American because of their color.

It is okay to make fun of foreigners because they're from another country.

It is with great pride that we welcome our American friend.

Now let the champion of dodge ball be decide.

China's f*** ed up. Take places.

All right, let's show them what we got.

Okay, Tom, looks like Americans are getting ready to play.

I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes.

Good thing they have big eyes...

...so that they don't have to rely on that amazing American intellect.

You say such things. That's a zinger.

Play ball.

Holy crap.

g*dd*mn!

Hey. What you call white American person with Ph.D. in physics and math?

I don't know. What? Stupid American!

All right!

Another American is down. It's number...

I don't know. All American look alike.

Oh, my God! They k*lled Kenny! You bastards.

Oh, my. I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln.

That's not cool. You gonna get us into trouble again.

Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week...

...our prayers are with our South Park Cows playing their hearts out in China.

Join me in saluting our Cows. Make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast...

...with our first official conjoined twin myslexia hats.

There is only one South Park player left. Still all Chinese player.

This should be over very shortly.

Come on, throw!

You want to hear my impersonation of American?

Okay. Hey, I really, really like that. That looks good.

Let me try. Let me try.

I'll use my credit card.

Do you have any nondairy creamer?

Y'all come back now, hear?

What have I done?

Eric, I just realized something. I've been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.

If we had won the world championship, what then?

It would be a bigger letdown the next year if we didn't win.

Our lives would have to revolve around dodge ball. Our lives were fine before.

I'm sorry. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?

Forget this stupid game. Let's go home.

Come on, throw ball!

If you want to make him throw the ball, say this.

Thanks, you American dumb-ass. "You French piece of crap.

Throw ball. What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears?"

And the winner is South Park Cows!

Everyone, I won the game! We're world champions.

South Park is the world champion in dodge ball. Glorious day!

Shut up, Pip. Shut up. Can we go home?

I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm-

Shut up, Pip!

As this Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close...

...I would like to thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.

Now let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!

What is everyone wearing on their heads? Let's hear from the woman of the week.

The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!

It's the freak nurse! Holy crap!

We've been working all week against that kind of behavior.

Sorry. We weren't here. Thank you, mayor.

I don't know what to say. This has been quite a week.

She's really touched. What I really want to say is, well...

...this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head...

...but you're all a bunch of freaks.

Freaks with big hearts! And now-

The last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out.

I wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person.

Instead, you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week.

I don't wanna be treated different, or treated special, or treated gingerly.

I wanna be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like you do to each other.

Take those stupid things off your heads!

My, what an ungrateful bitch. The nerve of some people.

That nurse is pretty cool. Maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.

I love you guys.

Screw you guys.