02x06 - The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka

[bunniefuu]

Back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned.

I'm Jimbo Curran. This here's Ned. Say hi, Ned.

Hi, Ned.

Isn't that great?

Today we're gonna k*ll some elk and some mountain goats.

The new law passed by Colorado legislature, which we call "p*ssy Law 4"...

...states we can no longer k*ll animals in defense.

Our old line, "It's coming right for us"...

It's coming right for us! ...no longer works.

So now we only k*ll animals to "thin out their numbers."

If we don't hunt, they will grow too numerous and won't have food.

So you see, we have to k*ll animals or else they'll die.

So roll the tape.

Here we are looking for some animals.

There are some deers. Quick, thin out their numbers.

Thin out their numbers.

Good work, Ned. Now they won't starve.

That was a great trip. We saved those deer from extinction.

We're environmentalists.

Next we're gonna drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers.

And also try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species.

Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?

"What's Vietnam?" A question a child might ask, but not a childish question.

For the next few days, we'll learn all about Vietnam.

Chances are that somebody in your lives was affected by this w*r.

That's right. The Vietnam w*r was sticky and icky.

Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?

All right, men! Out of the chopper!

You guys move over there!

- Who's next to take a shower? Me!

- He just took one last time, silly. Where can I hide this big pipe?

I wasn't in Vietnam. Sometimes I pretend I was.

Anyway, I'm going to assign you all a paper.

I want you all to find somebody who was in Vietnam and interview them.

What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?

Then you fail and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.

My Uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam. He and Ned do that stupid show.

And now, time for "Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained."

One of our viewers sent us some film of what he claims to be...

...the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.

Now, as you all know, this frog can supposedly k*ll you with one horrid gaze.

If a person looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed or even die.

This film proves that frog may very well exist.

Now watch carefully. You're gonna see the Mexican Staring Frog.

There! There! Did you see it? Roll that back again.

Now, freeze it!

I'd like to know what you skeptics have to say now.

What do you think, Ned? I'm scared.

Good night.

And we're cut. Great show!

Look who's here, my nephew, Stanley.

You're interested in our TV show, huh?

No. We have to do a report on Vietnam. You and Ned were there.

We sure were. Was it fun?

What a stupid question. Of course it was fun.

Sure, Vietnam was fun, but not like going-to-the-circus fun or fishing fun.

No, Vietnam was more like shoving-glass-up-your-ass...

...and-then-sitting-in-Tabasco-sauce fun.

Yep, that's where me and Ned met.

I remember I'd just gotten off the Ferris wheel.

Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day!

Kearns, the new privates are here.

I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee: Ned Gerblanski.

Gerblanski reporting, sir. Thanks, Ned.

The bad guys have been spotted 10 clicks north.

You and Kearns are best-suited to take them out. Are you up for it?

Sir! Yes, sir!

Soon it was all on me and Ned to win the w*r for America.

Pass me some more cocoa, will you? Want another muffin too?

Why the hell not? We're at w*r!

Those are bad for your throat. That's all lies. I'll be fine.

Charlies at 2:00!

Drop the b*mb! It's not releasing!

Oh, no! It won't budge.

Then we only have one option!

What are you doing? We have to take them out!

Die, you red commie bastards!

Oh, no! Out of a*mo!

We did it! We k*lled the entire Vietcong army!

Whoopee.

Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes.

That's the way it happened, boys.

Man, Vietnam was sweet.

Great news, guys. Your ratings have doubled!

They've gone from six people to 12. Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy.

We've got to do it. You're being k*lled by the hunting show.

But I don't care about that. You'd better care.

No ratings means no show.

If you want to reach out to people, you have to keep up.

All right. Ten seconds to air. big, big, big!

And five, four, three...

It's your hour of power on Midday Mountain cable access.

Welcome the only man in town who always has a fully stocked wine cellar:

Jesus Christ.

Hi.

Yeah, okay.

We're taking the show in a new direction...

...we've got some interesting people coming this week.

Mr. Bob Denver.

It's Bob Denver.

Hi, Bob Denver. Hi, Jesus. Great to be here.

So you just get in town? Yes. Just got in.

So, what have you been up to?

Nothing. Nothing really at all.

Oh, boy.

"After k*lling the entire Vietcong army, they returned to base.

Then they rode the roller coaster and ate cotton candy.

Ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his defense of the log ride.

So was the horror of Vietnam. The end." The end.

Are there any questions?

Yes, Mr. Garrison? Where the f**k did you hear this bulls **t?

From veterans. It's obvious you didn't do your work...

...and made up some ridiculous lie.

No, no. We didn't! You all receive an F minus.

F minus? Can he do that? But it was-

The Vietnam w*r was w*r!

There weren't galloping steeds or log rides.

You weren't even there! That's it!

All of you have detention for the rest of the week!

Sweet.

Welcome to detention, m'kay.

Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke.

It's important you know why you're here to obtain the full benefits from it.

You're here because you're inferior, because you're awkward, m'kay?

Stan, thanks for having an uncle that got us detention for a week.

Yeah, dude, your Uncle Jimbo sucks ass. M'kay?

Why invent a story instead of telling the truth?

Maybe because he's an old, drunk, hillbilly d*ck.

M'kay? We've gotta get him back.

Totally. How?

He made something up. We do the same thing.

What do you mean?

Did you ever see that Brady Bunch where the guy...

Oh, yeah. Sweet.

Oh, yeah. Sweet.

Yes, super-sweet!

Back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned.

Welcome. Have we got a show for you today!

We have just received another tape...

...of the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka here in South Park.

If you look the Mexican Staring Frog in the eyes, you can go catatonic.

We don't know if this applies to pictures, but who wants to take chances?

So when we roll this film, be sure to look away.

Roll the film, Tom!

Is it over?

Proof that the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka exists.

And you saw it on our show.

Dude, I can't believe they fell for it. What a couple of dumb-asses.

We gotta go make another one. Lying kicks ass!

Jesus! Yeah?

The Jimbo and Ned show made up some Staring Frog story...

...and jumped another two ratings points.

So, what are we supposed to do? I don't know.

We'll continue with the changes and then go even further.

And we're back in five, four, three... big, big, big!

We've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on.

Well, I tried to untrap him, but my overturned car wouldn't budge.

My husband was trapped for 12 hours. Yet somehow, he managed to survive.

He's very brave. I love him very much. I love you too.

Let's see if the audience has any questions.

You over there.

I think she needs to kick him to the curb, baby.

Kick who to the curb? Her no-good husband!

She's gotta lose that zero and get herself a hero!

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He's gotta dump that trash girlfriend. It's all about respect.

You gotta have respect for yourself.

I think we've missed the point here. Let's go to somebody else. Your comments.

We're forgetting something very important in all this.

Sure, he touched some children, but the man is a great singer.

He's entertained us for many years. What are you talking about?

Michael Jackson. All this badmouthing, putting him down.

Maybe he touched some children now and then, but, come on, it's Michael Jackson!

We'll be back after these messages.

Ready, you guys? Ready!

Okay, action!

I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.

I am very scary and dangerous.

Cut! Cartman! What?

It's supposed to be a frog. I know that.

Since when do frogs talk, Cartman? It's a Sri Lanka frog.

Duh! Duh yourself, hippie!

Do it again. Don't make it talk! Here we go. Ready?

Are you ready, Cartman? I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

Action!

Why do I have to dress like a old lady? Old ladies are fat. You are too.

The way we're sh**ting, nobody'll know it's you.

They better not. When I yell action...

...Kenny's gonna pull the frog, and you have to be scared.

Scared? Of a plastic frog? It's acting, Cartman.

Pretend you're scared. The frog will look at you...

...then you fall down like you're dead. This is stupid.

Good! And action!

A lot of you skeptics thought the film...

...of the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka was fake.

They say it didn't harm anybody. Well, we just received another film from another viewer.

Roll it.

proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing harm...

...to the people of South Park as we speak. Damn that frog.

That does it. Ned and I will be risking life and limb...

...as we go on location to hunt the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.

- Join us, won't you? Oh, no, no!

This is a big publicity stunt! Those hunters are clever!

Clever? It's genius. It really is.

I even want to watch them hunt the frog.

Unless... Unless what?

Unless we can prove that it's a sham.

If we prove that the Mexican Staring Frog is made up by Jimbo and Ned...

...we can have them taken off the air. Even k*lled.

Why don't we stick to our own show? People will watch again.

Oh, J, you are so omnipotent and yet so na�ve.

In the meantime, we can cash in on the videotapes.

What videotapes?

I am the way and the light. eo:

Jesus and Pals: Too Hot for T. V! Things get a little out of control.

You won't believe your eyes. Order now, only $19.95!

Remember, this is stuff you can't see on TV!

Anonymous tip? It was on our answering machine.

It said they saw the Mexican Staring Frog south of Stark's Pond.

Remember that time we got that anonymous tip in Nam?

You were in Nam? Where were you stationed? Da Nang.

With the log ride? Man, I was in Tet.

We had a roller coaster, but all we ever wanted was a log ride.

We waited and waited, but they never built us one.

Danforth wanted the log ride more than anybody.

But he had to settle with that lame water ride.

That w*r was hell on everybody.

Good. Okay, bye.

This week's ratings are through the roof. We're up to 20 people.

Wow! Do we get more money? No, but I do.

We're the highest-rated show on Mountain cable access. God bless the frog!

They're gonna look so stupid. Totally.

They deserve it for lying to us. Revenge is so sweet.

They're here. Hurry and hide.

Let's hunt! We'll start with a sh*t of you...

...getting your equipment and- Jimbo, look!

Hit the deck! What is it?

It's the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka!

He's right over there. He is?

Dumb-ass, keep your eyes away from him! Stay down!

Ned, take flank position. I'll keep it turned away from you.

Roger that.

Hunters, have we got a show for you today.

The Mexican Staring Frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us.

We've gotta take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion using this...

...while Ned will ambush him from the rear.

Now! He's not looking!

Quick, Ned. Hit him with the shotgun. Now, Ned!

Ned? Ned?

Oh, no!

Come on, Ned, buddy! Snap out of it!

Come back to me, buddy! You getting all this?

Hold on to your butts.

Take that, you demon frog!

Can you hear me? Call an ambulance. This man is catatonic!

Get the Flight for Life helicopter. Holy crap.

"But Ponyboy was b*at up pretty bad. He kept saying, 'Stay gold. "'

Ned, if you can hear me, you gotta snap out of it.

If you don't, I'll never forgive myself.

Stanley, he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!

He's okay. That frog wasn't real. Look.

What are you doing? I almost looked at it. Dude, it's just plastic. It's not real.

What? We sh*t all those videos.

We made the whole thing up. It was just a funny joke.

You sent in those videos? This is not good.

My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be a laughingstock.

Ned's faking it. That frog was plastic. Yeah. Come on. Quit faking.

You don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the Mexican Staring Frog...

...that he sent himself into a coma.

It's psychosomatic. I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.

- Who are you? I produce Jesus and Pals.

Your story's amazing. Full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness.

Thanks?

How would you like to share your story with us on the show?

We're back with Jimbo and his nephew, Stan. These kids can't stop lying.

No respect for their elders.

As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting.

Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican Staring Frog based on some video we received.

It turns out these kids faked the footage. Is that true, Stan?

We didn't think it would hurt anybody.

We'll find out more about this debauchery when we return.

And we're out.

You're corpses up here. We need more action from everybody.

Like what? Tell how Stan takes dr*gs and worships Satan.

Satan. Got it. I don't take dr*gs and worship Satan.

Give you a taste of your own medicine! Kids, I didn't bring you on to be boring.

Somebody get mad and throw a chair at Ned! Dibs!

Fight after the chair is thrown. That's your cue.

Welcome back. Jimbo, why do you think Stanley lies?

I'll tell you why. Because he's on dr*gs, and he worships the devil!

Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

Wow! Stanley, it sounds like your uncle's really worried.

Well, I only did it because he molested me.

You little piece of crap! You big piece of crap!

That's it. Now I'm pissed off!

Take that, hippie!

Okay, that's enough. Take that, you assh*le!

What the f**k was that? Watch the language.

Bring it on, you bitch! Get off him, you f**king nutsack!

Let's all make our way back to our seats.

Oh, my God! They k*lled Kenny! You bastards!

Let's all make our way back to our seats.

Oh, my God! Stop!

Shut the f**k up!

Jesus! What is wrong with you? Look around, Stanley.

Look at the pain your lie has caused. We only did it because Jimbo lied to us.

We had this report on Vietnam, and Jimbo made up stuff and got us in trouble.

Everything I told you about the w*r actually happened.

Mr. Garrison said there was no way you defeated the entire Vietcong army.

The entire Vietcong army?

I might have embellished a little, but that's different.

Is it? Well, sure. I mean...

Well, no. I guess not.

Stan, you need to kick your drug habit. I don't take dr*gs. That was a lie.

Jimbo made that up? Your producer did.

She made Jimbo say I did dr*gs. What?!

She came over and told Jimbo what to say. She told him to lie.

It's true. She did. I'm such a tool.

Oh, really?

Then she said to throw a chair at Ned. I didn't want to, they made me.

Screw this. I thought it was real.

Wait, everybody, come back. Don't feel too bad, Montel.

We all want to touch children sometimes.

I'm sorry. I was just trying to tell a good story.

I never meant for you to get in trouble. We're sorry for making you look stupid.

And for turning Ned into a vegetable. He'll be fine.

I'll just show him some hardcore p*rn. He'll snap right out of it. Won't you, Ned?

I want to apologize for what happened.

We lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place.

Yeah. Titties and beer. I was referring to the pursuit of truth.

I can't wait to get back to my show without all the glitz and producers-

Where is your producer? I sent her away.

Sent here away where?

What is this? What's happening? Welcome to my dominion!

Take a load off. We were just about to go shopping. Come on, Satan.

Okay, honey.

No!