02x07 - City on the Edge of Forever

[bunniefuu]

Be quiet back there! These roads are slick!

Hey, Cartman? What?

Are you going to share that cake with us?

Let me think. No. You shouldn't eat all that cake.

It's chocolaty and delightful.

Give us some, Cartman. Be quiet back there!

Dude, the road is really snowy. It always is.

I know, but it's really snowy today.

I can't possibly finish this whole cake.

Yes, I can! Shut up, Cartman!

Okay, that does it.

Y'all be quiet, or the cute little bunny dies!

She always threatens to do that. I wonder if she ever would.

She would, dude. She would.

God!

For chrissake, I don't believe this!

Come on, fat boy. Give us cake. I cannot possibly eat one more bite...

...of its chocolaty goodness.

I will try.

Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat f**k! What did you say?!

Uh-oh.

Hold on!

I'm scared. Be quiet, kid!

Here you can see a red-bellied chickadee. They're indigenous here.

What was that? What was what?

All done.

Sit down and shut up!

I said quiet...

...or else I k*ll the bunny!

Where are we? I have no idea.

We're not in a safe spot. What do we do?

Keep your trap shut. I'll consult the manual.

Ms. Crabtree? Shut up!

I have to watch a training video! ok:

What to do If you become stranded.

By now you've calmed down the children by using the bunny technique.

Now it's time to get help. Remember, the children are safe...

...as long as they stay on the bus.

So do not let any children off the bus. ke:

"A monster will eat you if you step off the bus."

Kids, do not get off this bus!

If you do, a big, scary monster will eat you!

With the children subdued, you can leave the bus and look for help. de: "Sit down and shut up."

I'm going for help. I'll be back soon.

Remember, don't get off or a big, scary monster will eat you!

Why doesn't the monster eat her?

Monsters don't eat fat, smelly b*tches. What did you say?!

I said Larry King won't grant me three wishes.

This isn't good. She could've at least left the heat on.

Had to happen to me, didn't it?

It's suppertime. Come to Papa.

Hello, little lady. Going my way?

Shut up and help me into this thing!

Come on! I haven't got all day! All right. Sure. Of course.

Take me to the nearest town and make it snappy, you crackpot!

Yes, ma'am. Right away.

What's a fragile doe like yourself doing out on a night like this?

Look. I got a busload of kids trapped up on that pass.

I need a crane, helicopters. All that crap!

Here, let me have some of your aspirin.

Those are actually roofies.

Roofies, aspirin. I don't give a rat's ass! How far to the nearest town?

It's a ways.

What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back, and we're trapped here forever?

We couldn't get trapped forever. We'd die after a couple of days.

Dude! I don't wanna die with you assholes.

You guys suck.

Relax. We've been in worse situations and come out fine.

Worse than this? Sure.

Remember when aliens kidnapped your little brother?

Now, that was scary.

Why aren't the visitors coming? We have to signal them.

Hey! He's like Rudolph! Yeah!

All you have to do is fart more, and the visitors will come.

Really? I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.

Sure you do! Come on, Cartman, fart!

I don't wanna! He can't hold it forever.

Fart, damn you! Okay, that does it!

Now, listen. Why is it that everything today...

...has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!

Whoa! Look at that!

It's completely immature. Hey, it's happening again!

It's an ice-cream truck. Now do you believe us?

You guys can't scare me.

There's an ice-cream truck sticking out of your ass!

The aliens are getting ice cream. I guess everything's gonna be okay.

Now, that was what I call a sticky situation.

You can say that again. Was that how it happened?

Stop! Let me off, you turd!

I wanna help you. I care about that busload of- What was it again?

Children. Right. Let me come with you.

What the hell is this crap?!

I hate flying. Talk about something I hate, it's flying.

Are those roofies kicking in yet? Well, I don't think so!

Damn. You guys like impressions?

No. Here's my impression of Robert DeNiro.

Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse.

You suck!

Youse guys, shut up. Sit down and shut up!

Come on, lady. I love you. You love me.

I said, sit down and shut up!

You're wonderful! You're the funniest comic I've seen in years.

Why don't you just shut the hell up?!

I have to get assistance for my broken-down bus!

Broken-down bus. Great angle!

Do you see her? No.

g*dd*mn it, how long is this gonna take? She's never coming back.

Don't you get it? She left us here to die.

Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny.

I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here!

No, kid. You heard Ms. Crabtree. There's a scary monster out there.

I'm not going to sit here and die with you. If I make it back, I'll send help.

Don't do it, kid.

Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the monster.

Holy crap, dude!

Gross!

I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus.

Hello? Hello. It's Sharon, Stan's mother.

Yes, Sharon. How are you?

Ms. Cartman, is your son home? Hold on. Let me check.

Hon, I made Beefy Logs.

I made Cookie Dings. No, he's not here.

Now I am worried. I've tried all the houses.

Nobody knows where they are. Oh, dear.

She's a natural. I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich.

What's her angle? You have to see it.

All right. This better be good.

Come in.

What the hell did you bring me to Denver for...

...you brain-deprived fecalphiliac? Mr. Jarvis, this is Mrs. Crabtree.

Pleasure to meet you. You look like a lump of s **t...

...just got hit by a car! What did I tell you?

Fantastic. How would you like to make a million dollars?

How'd you like to suck my ass?! Let's get started.

You gonna be all right? Don't touch me!

I'm sorry. Do you need anything? No. I just...

What? I feel like I've forgotten something.

What time is it?

Wednesday or Thursday? I think it's Saturday.

I'm missing the new Fantasy Island.

I don't think it's safe here.

We can't go outside. That big monster will get us.

What do you think it is? I don't know. A big monster.

Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt. What?

Remember when we went camping with Jimbo and Ned?

That lava's coming right for us. Help!

It's the real Scuzzlebutt! What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?

Oh, my God! Look at his leg!

Hi, kids. I'm TV's Brent Musburger.

Dude, he's got Brent Musburger for a leg!

Quick, Ned! sh**t it!

Oh, no. Out of a*mo. Hey, look!

Dude, he's making ice cream.

Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!

Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.

The monster outside can't be Scuzzlebutt. Scuzzlebutt's nice.

Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.

Our teacher wouldn't be in the forest waiting to k*ll us.

Remember the time he tried to k*ll Kathie Lee Gifford?

Here she comes!

Come on, you little bitch.

It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome...

...Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.

Thank you.

Mr. Garrison! Stop! We must finish what we have begun.

But, Mr. Garrison- She's not Kathie Lee Gifford.

She's some kind of alien.

Thank you. I love you all.

See? I told you.

This is going to put a damper on the day. Let's have ice cream!

Beefcake!

Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.

The monster couldn't be Mr. Garrison, because Mr. Garrison used a g*n.

Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Tonight's guests include a washed-up actress from a sitcom...

...and the comedy of Ms. Crabtree. And now here's your host, Jay Leno!

You're gonna k*ll out there.

k*ll who?! Great. Use that.

Honey, do you need anything? Just give me another roofie.

Sure.

Let's try to calm down. M'kay? This type of thing happens all the time.

What do you mean? How often does a third-grade class go missing?

Well, 99% of the time, when a child is missing...

...it's because they've run away. M'kay?

Run away?

I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that gafagahaga.

How do we get our children back? We need to make posters and brochures.

The public can know what the kids look like and call in if they're spotted.

Let's get started. They could be halfway to I.A. by now.

It's only a matter of time before they sell their bodies and buy smack.

Come on! We got to find those kids!

We can do it!

What was that? What was what?

I think the monster's outside! What could it be?

If only we knew what we were up against.

Yeah. I remember that.

Come back here, you son of a pansy!

Don't let him touch you! You die if he does!

I'm over here, you son of a whore!

Oh, my God! Kenny k*lled Death!

You bastard?

Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.

The monster outside couldn't be Death. Death touches you. It doesn't eat you.

Who cares what's outside? As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us.

Oh, my God! He's k*lling Kenny! You bastard!

Oh, boy. We're in big trouble.

Can we order a pizza?

What the hell are you all staring at?!

Stop laughing, you whores!

I said, shut up!

Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. That was great, ma'am.

Does it even matter? What do you mean?

Success is hollow like a dead tree. It's time for me to give it up.

Are you sure? I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.

I wonder when the monster's gonna come back to feed again.

We have to stick together. There's got to be a way out of this.

Wait a minute. What?

Remember when Fonzie jumped over the buses with his motorcycle?

Go, Fonzie!

You can do it! We believe in you, Fonz!

Oh, my God! They k*lled Kenny! You bastard!

Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.

That's not the way it happened. Yeah, dude.

Kenny just got ate by that monster. How can he have d*ed then too?

Oh, yeah. I guess that doesn't make sense.

Oh, no!

What are we gonna do?

Now we need more weight in the back!

No, that's too much!

I think we got it. How much longer can we keep this up?

Everything's gonna work out. It always does.

It does? Sure.

Remember when that kid decided to go off on his own?

I'm not going to sit here and die with you. If I make it back, I'll send help.

Don't do it, kid.

Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the monster.

Holy crap, dude!

Hey, look! It's got ice cream!

Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.

Wow. This is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.

From a distance, this place looks like a cold, damp marsh.

Once you get inside, you realize it has an inner beauty far surpassing others.

Thanks for being with me, Ms. Crabtree.

Call me Muffin. I'm having a nice time, Muffin.

Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world.

Damn, man. I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones.

Ms. Crabtree had that TV for the video. Maybe we can watch TV on it.

Hey, yeah!

And all over America, kids are turning to the streets and running away.

Tonight, a special message from the parents of some runaways...

...in hopes their young will hear their cry.

Hello, Stanley. It's me, Papa.

Your mother and I miss you. I hope that...

...wherever you may be, you'll hear this message.

Dude, your dad's a ret*rd.

Please come home, Kyle.

Did it occur to them to look for us? I hope my dad doesn't sing.

Remember the time I found out who my father was?

As I said before, the father is somebody in this room.

The father is John Elway.

Sweet!

This kicks ass! John Elway's my father!

Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice cream.

That's what I call a- Wait!

I thought your father was your mother because she had a penis.

You son of a bitch! I'll kick you in the nuts!

Cartman, no!

The bus is going over! Oh, no!

Hey! We landed in ice cream!

Wait, wait. This doesn't make sense.

This whole thing doesn't make sense. I must be...

Oh, man. What a weird dream. Are you okay, hon?

Mom, I dreamt we were trapped on a bus and we were talking about everything...

...that happened to us. Except it ended with us eating ice cream.

Oh, well, would you like some beetles for breakfast?

Yes, please.

Beetles are good with ice cream.

Dude! What a nightmare.

Hello? I just had the weirdest dream.

I dreamt Cartman dreamt we were trapped on a bus...

...and he dreamt we were talking about things that had happened.

Then he and his mother ate beetles. That's a f**ked-up dream.

I must be having emotional problems. We're going to Happy Burger. Wanna come?

Sure. I definitely don't want to sleep anymore. See you.

Thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus.

Ms. Crabtree? What? What's wrong?

I can't stay. None of this is real. It's all been an 8-year-old's dream.

I know. I know, Marcus. Let me just pretend as long as I can.

Sure.