02x08 - Summer Sucks

[bunniefuu]

I know that today is the last day of school...

...and that the last day involves pranks...

...but this is going too far.

Now, what have you done with Mr. Hat?

Children, I want Mr. Hat back right now! The prank is over.

You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you?

Well, I can. He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch.

g*dd*mn it! Where the f**k did you put Mr. Hat?!

No, you don't! Summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards...

...until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!

I'm gonna turn around.

When I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here.

Okay, I'm gonna turn around now.

Sh **. Where did everybody go?

Yay! Summer!

Oh, golly. Kevin, honey.

Good to see you again, son.

Looks like winter's right around the corner.

Better get some firewood ready.

Happy summer. Shut up, Pip.

Right-o. Enjoy summer this summer for me.

What? I have to spend summer in school.

I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.

Your parents are dead? g*dd*mn, you suck, Pip.

Oh, yeah. It's summer. We gotta buy fireworks.

I saved up enough to buy M-80s.

I saw this movie where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.

We can do that to Cartman's cat.

If you touch Kitty, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack...

...and blow your balls all over your pants.

Jesus, Cartman! Don't mess with Kitty, man.

Hi, fellas. Hi, Steve.

What can I do for you? We want M-80s.

That fit in Cartman's cat's ass. That's it. Screw you guys.

I'm going home. What a baby.

Ten M-80s, please. I'm sorry. Haven't you heard?

What? Fireworks are banned in Colorado.

What? It was in the paper.

Because some kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?

Right. Doesn't anyone believe in tradition?

We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.

That's k*lled Kenny. You bastards!

A summer without fireworks is like- I don't know, but it sucks ass.

Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?

I can still sell snakes.

We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration.

I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off.

We've got to have fireworks. I've got another call.

I don't know where Mr. Hat is. Garrison, I've got bigger problems.

What am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show?

No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage.

Get me the mayor!

I know that, smart-ass. I was being ironic.

Sorry. I couldn't find the little man in the boat.

Well, keep looking.

We can't have a celebration without fireworks.

Who ever heard of a Fourth of July with snakes?

I like snakes. You light them, and they grow and grow.

Wait a minute. That's it! I've got it!

South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world.

The press will love it. I'll be on the front-

I found him!

It's hot out here. What do you guys want to do?

We always just played with fireworks.

I know. let's go sledding. Yeah.

Cartman, get on. Stan?

Let's go. What are you waiting for?

Don't you notice anything wrong?

Yeah, your fat ass isn't on the sled. Whatever.

What's going on?

Hey there. Hi, Uncle Jimbo.

How come you're not blowing things up?

Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks.

What?! They're not having them at the lake.

Oh, my God!

Well, don't worry, boys. Uncle Jimbo is on the case.

Buckle your seat belt. Where are we going?

- Mexico, my amigo. Why are we going to Mexico?

Fireworks. Just because a kid blew off his hands, we don't have to suffer.

Are fireworks legal in Mexico? Everything's legal in Mexico.

It's the American way.

At the Dyno Might firework company, we have a commitment to excellence.

Our focus is on safety- Just tell us about the snake!

Okay. Let's see...

Right.

The disk that we're making is 5000 times bigger than the average snake.

We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters.

Comanche helicopters.

We'll need 57 flamethrowers set up around the perimeter...

...triggered to fire at the same time.

Flamethrowers. Triggered at the same time.

Once lit, the snake will grow. And good times will be had by all.

Wonderful! Spectacular!

Fireworks will not only go on, but be the best ever.

We'll need an orchestra to play "The Stars and Stripes."

The elementary school orchestra did a great version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

Get the principal. And we need somebody to dress like Uncle Remus.

I think you mean Uncle Sam.

Of course I do, you f***ing assh*le!

Why does everything suck in summer?

Look, it's Mr. Garrison. Children, how is your summer going?

Summer sucks ass. Have you found Mr. Hat?

Oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone.

I don't need Mr. Hat. That's good.

Mr. Hat is just a puppet. Yep.

Mr. Hat isn't real. Right.

My mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the pool. Want to come?

That is the lamest thing I've ever heard.

It is not. First graders pee in the pool.

You're swimming in first grader pee. I am not swimming in pee!

Whatever, dude. My mom says I could be in the Olympics.

The fat-ass Olympics. I'm making the best of a bad situation.

I don't need to hear crap from hippie freaks in denial.

Screw you guys. I'm going home.

But we're trying- Screw you guys. Home.

What does he mean, "in denial"? He's being a dumb-ass, like always.

How does that look?

Like a hunk of dirt with a carrot. Crap.

Okay, everyone in the pool.

Eric. We're gonna start now.

Just jump in. I don't wanna.

It's not gonna hurt you, hon. Just do it.

There you go. Let the first graders swim by and head towards us.

First graders?

Weak, weak! You sons of b*tches!

Where the hell is our firework? It'll be here any second.

Shut up! Copy.

Children, I'm sure we're a little rusty-

Where's Cartman? Swimming lessons.

How can we sound good without our French horn section?

That was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5.

We're doomed. We'll have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf sh ** s playing-

Wait a minute. It's the snake!

Let's move along, people.

If you've seen one giant firework, you've seen them all.

The show's back on. We've only got one day to prepare.

Look at that. That's a Tijuana bottle rocket.

These have enough power to blast through the ozone.

They're espectacular.

It's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July.

We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas.

- Hello. Hello, is Mr. Hat there?

- Is this some kind of joke? Yes.

You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

- I'm gonna find out who you are! I don't think you can, m'kay?

g*dd*mn it!

Lamb Chop, what would you like to do?

Well, I'd like to sing you a song. Let's sing one together.

No, Lamb Chop, no! Shari! Help me!

It burns! It burns!

You have to get in the deep end sooner or later.

Later's fine. Just do your sidestroke.

I only know how to do it doggy style. That's doggy paddle. Come here.

Can I do it doggy style? Okay.

That's it! You can do it! It is?

Damn it! Not again!

Come on. No way.

You sons of b*tches! I'm going home!

Fourth of July is here, and with the ban on fireworks...

...people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park.

Here with a report is a guy with a funny name.

The firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities.

I'm at Stark's Pond, where residents and tourists...

...await the lighting of the largest snake in history.

As most of you probably remember, snakes are little disks...

...that spew out a little snake of black ash.

The South Park snake is half a mile in diameter and 20 stories high.

I'm told this event won't begin until the sun goes down.

Looks like we're ready.

How are your swimming lessons? Fine.

I heard you won't get in the deep end. You heard wrong!

It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you a happy Fourth of July!

Let's start with our school band playing "The Stars and Stripes."

What the f**k is that? "The Stars and Stripes."

Oh, hell, light the snake.

We're coming up to the American border.

They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Let me do the talking.

I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it?

Good evening. Hello, fellow American.

We're anxious to get back to our homeland.

I just need to ask a few questions.

We have nothing to hide.

Anyone else traveling in this vehicle? No, sir.

Do you have firearms or expl*sives?

Yes. I mean, no! No!

Open your trunk, please, sir.

Damn! I always get that question wrong.

It's beautiful.

It never fails to amaze me how I overcome adversity.

When does that thing die out? Die out?

Yes. You know, expire. End.

Hello?! I'm asking you when it stops.

I never made one this big.

I guess we didn't think this through. What?!

It's huge! They need to shut it off.

You're screwing up the song.

Somebody stop it! It's out of control!

Kenny, watch out!

Oh, my God! They k*lled Kenny! You bastard!

Oh, my God. Tell me how much longer this is gonna last!

Let's see, a normal-size snake lasts three minutes...

When does it run out?! November. Of next year.

Oh, hell!

We're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake shows no signs of stopping.

Residents have tried everything from fire hoses to yelling...

...but nothing seems to work.

Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising citizens to stay indoors...

...and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.

This sucks. That snake keeps growing.

It's gonna demolish the whole state.

We should ask Chef for help. Where is Chef?

Hello. What? Oh, hello, children.

It's a what?! A giant snake?! k*lling everybody?! Growing bigger?!

Children, you know I rarely say this, but fudge you.

What did he say? He told us to f**k ourselves.

Wow. How's that gonna help?

All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake can be seen.

Yea, let the spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you.

From this day on, all will be well.

I already feel like things are getting better.

I can't sleep or think. Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?

Well, let me ask you this. Why-? Where do you think Mr. Hat went?

If I knew, I wouldn't be seeing a f* **ing psychiatrist.

Well, I guess I see what you're saying.

I was sure one of the children took him.

But I remembered Mr. Hat and I had a fight.

Are you gay? What?!

It's-It's just a question.

Propositioning me? No.

I can tell you that I am 100 percent not gay.

I believe you. I absolutely believe you.

Mr. Hat, on the other hand- Mr. Hat was gay?

He fantasizes about same-sex relations. I see.

He liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre and a bottle of dressing.

That I did not need to know. I'm just saying.

I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out.

See, it's you that's gay, but you're in denial...

...so you act out your gay persona with a h*m* puppet.

What do you think about that?

I think you're the loony one in this room.

Serves you right, you gay-bashing h*m*.

Looks like we missed Fourth of July again.

Those kids must have been disappointed to have nothing but snakes to light.

Well, better luck next year. You're right. Okay, let's try again.

Anyone other than you in this vehicle? No.

Do you have any firearms or expl*sives in the car?

Yes?

I got it wrong again! What's the answer?

Holy smokes! What the hell is that?

It looks like my ex-wife.

This is our chance. The Hummer's outside.

I haven't seen you in here before.

As more cities are affected by the ash and the death toll rises to 3000...

...people are looking to the mayor of South Park for answers.

It appears as if the mayor is going to explain matters.

Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor regrets that she cannot be here herself...

...but she is sick.

What kind of lame excuse is that?! You gotta be kidding me!

This is ridiculous! We want answers!

She's having her period.

We have an official statement for all the concerned cities...

...about the snake we can't put out.

"We're sorry. Our bad." Thank you. That is all.

POOL CLOSED

Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end.

Okay. I can do it. I can do it.

I can- I'm gonna make it.

How many summer days left? A lot.

I want it to snow. It doesn't matter. This snake will k*ll everyone.

- Buenos gracias, boys. Hi, Uncle Jimbo.

Why the long faces?

We're bored. There's nothing to do.

I don't think those are problems Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve.

Hooray! Hooray!

Careful with those. Those are dangerous.

Point them away from your eyes. These are huge!

Look at them. Look how much happiness firepower can bring to a child.

Hey, look! We blew up the snake!

The ash from the snake is putting the flame out.

How do you like that? Bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July.

Hooray!

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end.

I did it! I did it! I made it to the deep end!

Hooray for me!

The snake's been destroyed! The pool's open!

Oh, no! You sons of b*tches!

Oh, sons of b*tches!

They put out the snake!

Yes. Apparently my plan to blow up the snake worked perfectly.

Hey, look! It's snowing.

Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell?

Winter's back! Wow. It's a black blizzard.

Where's Mr. Hat?

I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timing whore.

From now on, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig.

That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall.

I can hardly wait.

Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba!

What the-?

Hey, Chef. How's it going?

Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?

Okay, everybody get in a line so I can whup all your asses.