02x09 - Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls

[bunniefuu]

Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here? It's painfully crowded.

People from I.A. love to come to a quaint, little mountain town.

This gives them an excuse. It used to be a quaint town.

Now look at it. Sushi restaurants, upscale stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson.

I think we've tapped this town's resources out.

We must move the festival to another town and begin again.

That's not a bad idea. But where?

Okay, children, I have some very exciting news.

You tell them, Mr. Twig. Right, Mr. Garrison.

The first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.

- Cool. They won't show stupid-ass Godzilla again?

- No. These are independent films. Like Independence Day? That sucked too.

They're black-and-white hippie movies about gay cowboys eating pudding.

No, they're not. They're produced outside Hollywood...

...without all the glitz and glamour.

Show me one independent film that's not about gay cowboys.

You don't know what you're talking about, fat-ass.

I'm not fat. I haven't grown into my body, bitch.

If you call her a bitch again, I'm sending you to the principal.

Bitch. That's it. You-

I'm going.

I want you all to see one independent film at the festival...

...and then write a paper about it.

The first film showing is Witness to Denial.

It's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.

Uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies.

I wanna sh**t the script with Demi Moore.

Tell Spielberg to kiss my ass.

Look at this. Traffic jams at every intersection...

...people pushing through crowds. It's almost like we're a city.

I got sent to the principal because of your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

Sick, Kenny. Look at all the people.

I'm late for a screening. All this for stupid movies?

Hello, children. Hey, Chef.

What you doing? This festival thing...

...has lucrative monetary possibilities. I'm gonna sell my famous cookies...

...to these Hollywood types and make a mint.

Cookies? Calm down, tubby.

They're little cookies with fudge in the middle, and I call them Fudge 'Ems.

I want one. I can see the commercial now:

"Wife got you down? Boss making you angry? Kids yelling at you?

Well, Fudge 'Em." Cool.

I've also got my double-chocolate Fudge This.

A native is selling local food-wares, how quaint.

This is why I come: to get away from I.A. and become one with simple culture.

Perhaps you'd like my low-calorie Go Fudge Yourself.

I Don't Really Give a Flying Fudge.

Do you have tofu or steamed celery?

I'd k*ll for some couscous. Whose goose?

Never mind. We have food from the natural market in I.A.

Cute sign, though.

I have tickets for the opening film. Would you like to come?

Shut up. Sure. Since we have to write a paper on a film anyway.

She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words.

If she holds his hand, it's over.

I Just Went and Fudged Your Momma.

He ran that into the ground.

I hope there's some good previews.

Festival movies don't usually have previews. What?!

Who are you to judge my womanly soul?

The goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark.

Dare you call them dark? Here lies the goddess truth of my body.

- Oh, brother. The goddess that cries, "Freedom."

Here is the goddess truth of my womanly being.

You are my flame. When we make love...

- ... the sun is right outside the door. Then make love to me right now.

Dude! Dude!

You need to get to bed. It's late. I'm poopies, Ma.

Well, hurry up.

- Could it be? Howdy-ho.

Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? Hello?

I'm in South Park, Colorado, as citizens of Los Angeles arrive...

...for the town's first annual film festival.

This is a small mountain community...

...where nothing happens except the occasional destruction of the town.

The excitement level is naturally very high.

Townspeople await the arrival of Hollywood's top celebrities.

It was him, dude. It was Mr. Hankey.

I thought he only came at Christmastime.

I'm sure it was him. Here comes somebody.

To the side. I can't see. Move your head.

Ladies and gentlemen, Fred Savage.

I'm sure a real person will show up soon. How was the movie?

You don't wanna know. Gay cowboys eating pudding?

Pretty much. The theater sucks. They need a bigger screen.

They should project movies on Cartman's ass.

Yeah, but that'd be like IMAX.

Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.

Okay, that does it. Screw you guys. I'm going home.

Well? I'm gonna. Just give me a minute.

Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town has charm...

...not the mess we made in Park City. Forgive me...

...but won't we end up doing the same thing to this town?

Yes. And the town after that. Like termites, we'll move this festival...

...from town to town until we have used it up.

Until every quiet mountain town is like I.A.

Why would we do such a thing? Because we have to live in I.A...

...and if we can't live in quiet mountain towns, then nobody will.

Wait. Zoom in to a close-up on my face when I do that.

Then nobody will!

That's it.

I'm glad you're here. Check out my new confectionaries.

They'll sell through the roof. I call them Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls.

Are they good? Try.

Hey, these are good. I love your salty chocolate balls.

There it is again. There's what again?

It's Mr. Hankey. He's in trouble. A piece of poo's in trouble?

Where does that go? The sewer.

The sewer. That must be where he is. Come on. Come on.

Man, it smells like ass. Of course, ret*rd. It's a sewer.

What was that? Man, let's get out of here.

We can't. Not until we find Mr. Hankey.

What the hell?

Mr. Garrison? Hello, children.

What are you doing in a sewer with a snorkel?

I was just hanging out. In a sewer?

Do you know how to file a police report? No.

Good. See you in school.

This is ridiculous. What are we, the Goonies?

We're the Goonies. Pretend you're the fat kid. Okay, that does it. Screw you guys.

Howdy-ho.

Mr. Hankey. Howdy-ho, boys.

I told you he's here. Look at you.

You're all growing up so fast. Hi, Mr. Hankey, nice to see you.

Y'all been brushing behind your teeth? Yes.

And using dental floss? Yes.

And washing behind your ears? Yes.

No.

What's the matter, are you sick? I've got a little cold.

All these people in South Park are stressful on my home.

What do you mean? Boys, the sewer is a fragile ecosystem.

Oh, my God. These new folks...

...eat nothing but couscous, tofu and raw vegetables.

It's destroying my environment. That's why you got a cold?

That's why, Kyle, that's why.

Why don't you ask them to leave? I can only come to the surface...

...at Christmastime. That's why I need you boys to go for me.

Don't worry, we'll tell everyone.

Don't forget to change your sheets once a week.

Without further ado, we begin this amazing film.

It's a work of blood, sweat and tears. Stop! Your attention, please!

Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?

No, no, wait, that's not him.

My best friend, Mr. Hankey, is sick...

...because South Park's overcrowded with people eating health food.

Excuse me, what's a Mr. Hankey?

He's a talking piece of poo.

He's sick because his ecosystem's out of whack because of extra poo.

If you don't leave, he's gonna die.

He's one of my best friends in the world. I don't want him to die.

- What a great story. This could be the next Free Willy.

Great pitch. How much do you want? Does it have to be a piece of poo?

It could be a crime-fighting rabbit.

A summer movie. Can we put a monkey in it?

Is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?

Keanu Reeves. Matt Damon.

Fred Savage.

I'd pay a million for this story. I'll pay two.

No one listened. It sounds like a sweet movie.

I take it you're part-owner of this "Mr. Hooey" story?

I guess. I want you to do a big-money deal with me.

All of us? I can see you're the brains of the group.

You don't need them, do you? Screw those guys, I don't like them.

That's great, kid. Let's make a deal.

I want to thank you all...

...for making the first South Park Film Festival a success.

We've barely started and already the festival...

...has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance Festival.

I'm pleased to announce that in honor of the people who welcomed us...

...we are building a Hollywood Planet Restaurant...

...right here where this library used to stand.

Can they do that? Hollywood can do anything.

Mr. Hankey?

Mr. Hankey?

Mr. Hankey? Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho-

Is everyone gonna stop pooping in my environment?

They thought I was pitching a movie. I see.

Well, shucks, Kyle, I can't thank you enough for trying.

I've got to take you to the surface. The sun will dry me out.

It's the only way to prove you're real. I won't last.

You're not gonna last here. I won't let you die.

All right. Just let me get my toothbrush.

Come on, Stan. We're gonna be late for the screening.

They made that movie already?

Mr. Hankey, I can't go on.

- I've lost the fight. I'm not leaving without you.

We started this together. We finish it together.

I always thought death was glorious, but now I know that it's not.

It's going well.

People will knock my door down to get you.

Who cast Tom Hanks? He can't act his way out of a nut sack.

I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.

Oh, my God. I found a penny. You bastard.

Okay, we're out. How are you? It sure is dry up here.

Don't worry, we'll do this quick, okay? Just hang on.

Mr. Film Commissioner, can I have a word with you?

Make it quick. The people of my town are upset.

I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have.

We're wondering if we could call this thing off?

We have contracts. Pull out, and we sue you for every penny.

But thanks so much for the hard work.

This doesn't make sense. The movie made a lot of money.

Two million, minus your agent's fee, your lawyer's fee and my fee.

With publicity and taxes taken out, you get $3.

It's more than most people in your position make.

You're a sellout, Cartman. I'm not. What's a sellout?

If you work in entertainment and make money.

It's all gone to hell. And we're all to blame, even me.

I was selling out my town too. Now look at it.

What do we do? There's nothing we can do.

Sit here and suck on my ball. Guys, we have to hurry.

Why? Everything's gonna be okay.

Sir, sir! Not now.

I have to show you something. It'll change the way you feel.

What's this?

I want you guys to all meet my friend.

A dried out lump of s **t. Compelling.

We've got to have the sign done for the opening tonight.

You can't die, Mr. Hankey.

Kyle. Before I go...

...there's something I must tell you.

Come closer.

Closer. What is it, Mr. Hankey?

There is another Skywalker.

No!

Wait. What is it, Mr. Hankey?

Come closer. What is it?

Closer. Yes?

Closer! One time, when you were sleeping...

...I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.

No!

No! I'm sorry, son.

Let's get him to ICU. No! No!

Are you okay? I'm here for you. Ready to see a movie?

Okay.

- Tom, do you have any pudding left? I ate all mine up, silly.

Well, then, now what do we do?

Hey. Sorry.

Why don't we just explore our sexuality?

Good idea, let's.

Dude, I shouldn't be seeing this.

Is there a problem? No problem, dude.

I'll never forget you. You were my best friend.

Come on, Kyle. It's time to go. Chef, does poo go to heaven?

Well, I kind of hope not.

I mean, sure it does.

I'll give him one of my salty balls to take to poo heaven.

Come on, let's go.

Mr. Hankey? Howdy-ho.

He's back. He's back. That was delicious.

My salty chocolate balls must have rejuvenated him.

You got the best balls in the world. You're damn right.

Get them here. Mr. Hankey and Me T-shirts!

Get them while they last, folks. Only 14.95.

I'll take two. Selling T-shirts kicks ass.

I'm pleased to announce, on this opening of Hollywood Planet South Park...

...that the festival will be back next year and the year after that...

...and so on.

And now, release the curtain.

I give you Hollywood in South Park.

Wait. I brought him to show you. Not this again.

Behold, Mr. Hankey.

Howdy-ho!

Anyway, this Hollywood Planet will be the meeting place-

Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right.

There's no room in South Park to accommodate a festival.

Mr. Poo, we can't hear our chairman. If you could turn yourself down.

You're at seven. We need you at three, okay?

Folks, please.

Little towns aren't meant for big events.

We love having visitors, but, golly...

...too many of you hurt our ecosystem.

Besides, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are coming...

...or what film is gonna get shown.

It should be about people getting together, watching movies...

...and about people who never get their movies seen...

...having the chance to have it watched, if only once.

"Let's forget about lawyers and agents and studios and celebrities.

Let's forget all those things for a while and just watch new art."

I have had enough of you! No!

As I was saying, this shall usher in...

He's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.

Well, this worked once before.

Thanks, Chef. Your big chocolate balls are just the trick.

What the hell is he doing? I don't know.

Oh, my God!

It smells. It smells.

Come on. The poo is coming! I'm trying, damn it.

Let's get out of this town.

Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.

You got rid of all the film people.

Hooray.

Now all we have is a town covered in s * *t. This is much better.

I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.

Kisses.

Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those films.

It's okay. I forgive you.

Even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass.

Yes. And I've learned something too.

Being a sellout is sweet because you make a lot of money...

...and don't have to hang out with poor-ass losers like you guys.

Screw you guys. I'm going home.