02x11 - Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods

[bunniefuu]

Detective, looks like you fooled them.

All in a day's work, I guess. I hope next time I don't have to run so much.

What do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, "This is not a victimless crime"?

Anybody? Children, were you paying attention?

We've been watching Barnaby Jones for days.

It's hard to pay attention. Excuse me.

Just forget what Barnaby has to say. Don't pay attention to Barnaby.

Let's see how far you get in society.

Stanley, tell us how Barnaby knew the poison was in the milk.

Can't we be normal third graders? What do you consider normal?

Learn about art and music and go on field trips and stuff.

Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, we are going on a field trip tomorrow.

Hooray! Where?

To the planetarium. Planetariums suck.

What's wrong with the planetarium?

It's boring. All constellations look alike.

Too bad! You'll go to the planetarium and you'll love it.

In the meantime, we'll watch episode 203, "Barnaby Under Siege."

I taped these at home. There's commercials.

- Kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs? Yes.

Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the Cheesy Poofs song.

Watch for our talent van around the country.

I can sing the song.

If you win, you could be picked to be in our next commercial. er:

Let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road.

That ain't how you do it. You do it like this. Sit down and shut up!

Jesus, lady.

This is the planetarium! Watch your step so as not to hurt yourselves!

I will remind you that this is a planetarium...

...not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave.

Could your child be the next Cheesy Poofs singer?

There it is!

We're seeking the kid who can sing the song better than anybody.

I can sing it with both hands tied behind my back.

You can't get both arms behind your back.

We're going to the planetarium. I have to go sing the Cheesy Poofs song!

No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars.

Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams.

Welcome to the planet-arium. I thought it was "planetarium."

It is. But I have a bone disease...

...which impedes my pronunciation of the T in planet-arium.

That's a weird bone disease.

Perhaps someday I can get a bone marrow transplant. Yes, boy?

Will the Cheesy Poof van be there long?

I don't know. But soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe.

First, I wanna show you how the planet-arium works.

As if we care.

Who are you? Little missy here...

...runs the big projector for us. I love my work.

You're our age. Shouldn't you be in school? I love my work.

Come on. Let's get into the planet-arium.

Good morning, and welcome to the planet-arium.

We're going on a ride through the universe...

...so lean back in your chairs and get comfortable.

This is stupid. I'm going to dim the lights...

...and let the stars come out. Whoopee.

Here we see the constellation called the Big Dipper.

If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...

...we see where this constellation gets its name.

These stars here form the constellation of Taurus, the bull.

While these stars form the constellation Roger Ebert.

And these two little stars over here form the constellation The Crusades.

Stars are actually made of hot gas. Which is exactly what comes out...

Man, screw this.

And now breathe deep as the stars slowly...

...start to move in little circles.

I know you think planet-ariums are boring...

...but I'll try and change the way you think about that.

That was great. Tommy Frets, he could be our winner.

Excuse me, but I believe that sucked ass.

What's your name? Eric Cartman.

All right, here's Eric Cartman giving it a sh*t.

Try sucking on that.

How did you like the planetarium? I don't feel so good.

Me neither, but I love the planetarium.

Me too. It was sweet. Really? What did you like best?

I don't remember what happened. Wait. Where's Eric?

I did it! Did what?

I got a callback for the song.

You snuck off and sang that song? I got in the finals for tomorrow.

Goodbye. Thanks for visiting.

Don't forget we have laser rock shows at night here.

This week is laser Kenny Loggins and James Taylor.

My head feels funny. Mine too.

When I'm doing Cheesy Poofs commercials, I bet I get free Cheesy Poofs.

Like you really need it, hippo-ass. It's sad how jealous you are.

Who the hell are you?

My name is Van Gelder. What the hell are you doing on our bus?

There's a freaky kid from the planetarium here.

I guess we have to go back.

No! Don't go back! No! Be careful, assh*le.

Please! Don't take me back there! Can't! Can't!

All right, dude, mellow out. Jeez.

We better get him to the nurse's office.

The planetarium!

A painkiller should calm him down. No! No painkiller! I'll be okay!

Okay, Van Gelder, I'm Counselor Mackey.

Have you been smoking marijuana? Marijuana's bad, m'kay?

Must tell- The machine. The machine is-

I've never seen anything like this. What do you think?

Whatever happened, happened at the planetarium.

Planetarium!

Tonight the planetarium's doing laser Loggins. I have to check it out.

Man, this is boring.

Who the heck finds this stuff interesting?

Dude, this is totally k*ller. I hope this goes on for seven months.

You will not remember what happens here.

To remember it will cause incredible pain.

Incredible pain.

Incredible, icky pain.

I'm totally tripping. This is k*ller.

Children, today we'll learn all about Japanese poems called haiku.

A haiku is like a normal American poem...

...except it doesn't rhyme, and it's stupid.

For example- Where's Eric Cartman?

That's a haiku? I'm asking why Eric isn't at school.

Was he on the school bus? No.

Fat-ass Cartman was Not on the school bus today

- What a big fat turd Very good haiku, Kyle.

Yes, haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five.

Kenny, can you give us another example?

What's a "discharge"? Since haikus suck so much...

...can we go back to the planetarium? I wanna go too.

But you were just there. Why do you wanna go again so soon?

Yeah, why do we wanna go again? I just had this urge to go back.

I guess we could go again since it's just down the street.

Well, hello. It's all my little friends with all their little dreams.

Eric, where have you been? Let's see. Where have I been?

Where, Cartman? I might have been...

...over at the Cheesy Poofs callback winning regional championship.

This is my regional championship certificate. Like it?

Where's your regional championship certificate, Clyde?

You don't have one?

Do you have a regional certificate, Wendy?

No? Apparently, only I do.

Ass full of pork fat Jiggles like a Jell-O mold, mouth's flapping too Your haiku insults have no effect. I'm regional champion.

So you'll be in that commercial? It's between me and four kids.

I'm going to the finals now.

I bet you don't win They don't let big fat asses

- Perform on TV Very good, Kyle.

Shut your goddamned mouth Or else I'm gonna kick you Square in the balls, assh*le Damn it!

How's he doing? He's stable.

But I can't get any information.

I'll sedate him now. No! No dr*gs!

dr*gs are good, m'kay?

Don't let them go planetarium!

Why, Van Gelder? The machine. The machine is-

"The machine is-"? That's probably bad.

He's been talking about the machine for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.

Why America's Funniest Home Videos? Why?

There's only one way to get any sense out of him.

We'll have to try a mind meld, m'kay?

A what? It's an ancient technique...

...handed down from school counselor to school counselor.

I don't like to use it, but it's our only hope.

Well, what will you need? Just time to prepare, nurse.

Just time. M'kay?

Children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.

They begged. I couldn't get them to shut up.

I'm sure we'll have a marvelous time. Won't we, children?

Yes.

This way, please. Enjoy your visit.

Billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe.

Here you see Polaris, the dog star.

I'll step outside and go wee-wee. Certainly, Mr. Garrison.

You love the planetarium.

To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain.

You want to help the planetarium thrive.

To not do so makes your stomach ache with needle-like s*ab-

And right over here, we see the constellation Orion.

Orion's belt is made up of three stars.

What just happened? What do you mean?

Let's go before something bad happens.

Don't pick your nose. I wasn't picking it. I had an itch.

Don't be nervous. You'll win. There's a lot of competition here.

Do you think I might win? I hope so.

Then perhaps we can eat for a little while.

They're giving away bread outside! You hear that, Mommy?

Come on. Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs.

Psyche.

You boys are supposed to be in there.

Mr. Garrison, we think the planetarium guy is-

Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming. I wanna go again!

For Pete's sake, you just went.

If you like the planet-arium so much, perhaps you'd like to volunteer here.

Yes, please! Me too! I wanna do it!

I'd love to work here. Planetarium's gay.

Mr. Garrison? I could give them extra credit for it.

Excellent. Step over here, and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.

This isn't right. What?

We don't volunteer for anything. We gotta see what's going on.

Here's the control panel.

Kenny, go out there and tell us what you see.

He hits this switch.

See? Nothing. Just a bunch of stars. Yeah, I guess so.

What does that do? I don't know.

Kenny, what's it doing?

This says, "maximum."

Oh, my God! We've k*lled Kenny! We're bastards!

I told you something was up. We gotta go tell somebody.

JUDGE

Thank you, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.

Next will be Eric Theodore Cartman.

Hello, everybody. Just do it like we rehearsed.

I know, I know.

Well, that certainly was insane. Thank you.

We'll let you know. Thank you.

Don't pick your nose.

I'm not picking it, Mom! g*dd*mn it, I have an itch!

Where do we find these people?

Our minds are one, m'kay?

Our thoughts are one, m'kay? This is the strangest thing ever.

For a woman with a dead fetus on her head, you're not being very open-minded.

Open your mind to your counselor.

Open your mind.

Dr. Adams. Yes.

He owns the planetarium. So?

He uses the machine, the star machine.

He uses it to erase minds. But why?

Planetarium about to go out of business.

Adams had to create slaves to survive.

My God, this is amazing.

Please, nurse! You're throwing off my chi, m'kay?

We want to congratulate all finalists.

Only one of our finalists can win. Unfortunately, that finalist is Eric.

Yes! I'm the best!

You were our last choice. But the others took jobs at the planetarium.

That's odd. Sweet!

It appears that more and more people...

...are discovering the wonder of the planetarium.

Here with a report is a 34-year-old Asian man who looks like Ricardo Montalban.

Yes, the planetarium has become very popular...

...as word spreads that it really isn't as lame as once suspected.

I'm here with its operator, Dr. Adams.

I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents...

...to come see a special free show this evening.

I guarantee it will change the way you think about the planet-arium.

So bring the whole family to the planetarium for a night of excitement.

We turned the dial, and Kenny went into hypnosis.

That's a pretty far-fetched story. But it's true.

You sure you're not making this up? Yeah, pretty sure.

Just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park...

...I'll go with you to the planetarium to prove nothing's wrong.

What other crime in South Park? Let's go.

Okay, let's sh**t. Where's our Cheesy Poofs talent?

I'm over here. You look great, hon.

Mommy's fat little piggy.

Let's hurry. This costume is hot. Okay, roll camera. And action!

Wait! Wait! You've got a little eye booger, hon.

Mom, for Pete's sake. Got it.

And action!

Hold it! Get more light on that backdrop.

Sure thing. Oh, man, come on.

Got it. Okay. Here we go. And action.

Cut! I'm not liking the shoes.

Can we change the shoes? g*dd*mn it!

Hello, officer of the law. Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.

What brings you here? These boys seem to think...

...you're some sick weirdo with a master plan...

...to screw with the minds of everyone in town.

Really? Thought I'd come show them around...

...so they know there's nothing to be scared of.

This is a pretty inopportune time.

Okay, I'll be quick, then. Of course, officer. Come on in.

Hello, children. No! They got Chef too.

Welcome to the planetarium.

It's nice to see you finally got a real job, Chef.

I love my work.

I know what you mean. I've always loved the planetarium.

Would you like to see the stars? No!

That would be super-duper. Don't do it!

- Hello? Hi, Grandma. It's me Eric.

Hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed you.

I wanted to remind you I'll be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch.

I will, Eric.

I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition-

Okay, bye.

Hello. The Marshes aren't in now. Please leave a message.

Stan, I'm going to be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch.

You've reached the Broflovski's. Leave a message.

Where's everybody? I'll be on TV. You better not miss it!

This is the constellation called Cassiopeia.

Neato.

Now, officer, from this moment on...

...you will think that you are Elvis Presley.

To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.

See, children, there's no stopping me.

Even your intelligent policemen are no match for me.

He's not intelligent. Why do this?

Why? Because nowadays kids have computers and Surround Sound TV.

They've forgotten about planet-ariums. I'll make them remember.

Starting with the two of you.

Terrance & Phillip will be right back.

Here it comes.

Full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can give you a quick pick-me-up. er:

- Lame. Now back to Terrance & Phillip.

Yes! Yes! That was me! I was on television!

Caught you red-handed! M'kay? Mr. Mackey!

Officer Barbrady, this man is using some kind of mind control.

What's wrong with him?

He thinks he's Charlton Heston. Idiot! He thinks he's Elvis.

Elvis, escort our guests to the planet-arium.

Folks, if you wouldn't mind, could you please follow me?

Well, let's begin, shall we?

And now, you'll remember nothing...

...except that the planet-arium is the best thing you've ever known.

Well, well, well, you guys can now kiss my ass...

...because I was on television.

Didn't you guys see it? I was on television.

You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!

Planetariums suck ass!

You saved us. The hell you talking about?

Get over here and untie us.

Eric, you really saved the day. M'kay?

Not so fast there, tubby.

I'm just taking care of business. You're not the King of Rock 'n' Roll.

You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town. M'kay?

Thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor.

Oh, my God, Dr. Adams!

He got a full dose of the stars.

With nobody around to say anything. Can you imagine it?

A mind emptied by that thing.

Wow, what a day this has been. I was on TV, and I'm a hero.

Don't pick your nose, hon.

g*dd*mn it, Mom, I wasn't picking my nose!