01x03 - Read Before Use

[bunniefuu]

Before there was sex, before there was the city, there was just me... Carrie. Carrie Bradshaw. It's 1984. Ronald Reagan and shoulder pads were all the rage. I'm trying to figure out who I am with the help of my family, my best friends...

Mags, I thought you were hanging out with Walt tonight.

He... he broke up with me.

A sexy new guy...

Do you wanna meet at swim club today?

I like the sound of that.

And a hot new city.

So it's really gonna happen?

My purse in "Interview" magazine?

In two weeks' time, two emaciated models will cling to that bag like their lives depend on it.

Figuring out who I was and finding my voice

wasn't going to be easy,

but I was pretty sure it was going to be a lot of fun.

Let's face it.

Life is easier if you read the labels.

Like "do not put in dryer."

♪ Been running so long "Expiration date... One week ago."

Everything we wear, everything we eat...

They all have labels.

The same is true for everyone we know.

"Stoner."

"Class clown."

"Well-meaning but ultimately clueless guidance counselor."

Hi.

And "the boy of my dreams."

♪ Can't stop myself, out of control ♪
♪ Head over heels, no time to think ♪
♪ Looks like the whole world's out of sync ♪
♪ Head over heels Unfortunately, my dad had another label

for Sebastian Kydd... "Poison."

Did your father say why he won't let you date Sebastian?

No, he's probably just being overprotective.

Nobody's good enough for his perfect little girl.

What you should do... Go out with a real loser.

Make your dad grateful you're dating Sebastian.

My dad's a cop. I can probably find you someone with a record.

I know all about the "perfect daughter" thing.

It's the worst.

You live your whole life in fear you'll let your parents down.

It's one thing I don't have to worry about.

My parents will never use the word "perfect" to describe me.

You don't have to worry either.

I mean, you're a straight "a" student, and you dated a Princeton guy, which your parents must have loved.

They don't even know Seth exists.

As far as they're concerned, I can't consider having a boyfriend until I've graduated summa cum laude from Harvard medical school.

Meanwhile, I live in the opposite world, where I'm afraid to tell my parents Walt and I broke up.

My dad will just think I did something to screw it up, which I didn't.

You were a great girlfriend.

I mean, breakups can be weird for all of us.

Are you gonna be bummed if we wanna hang out with Walt?

Why would I be bummed?

Well, aren't you gonna make us pick sides and forbid us from speaking to Walt?

Are you waiting for me to be the crazy ex-girlfriend?

Well, I mean, you have been known to react... emotionally.

Just say it. You're a drama queen.

You think I'm a drama queen?

That's absurd. When have I ever acted like a drama queen?

Name one time.

Um... now.

Little bit.

Come on. Okay, but really, though, what should I do about Sebastian?

How should I know?

I'm just a drama queen.

Luckily, I had someone with a lot more experience

I could talk to.

Ugh. I once had a lurid affair with my father's best friend, which became divinely hazardous when I started seeing his son on the side.

Perhaps too much experience.

Are you blushing?

You are.

Your life is just so... Exotic.

You mean dirty.

No apologies. To me, the most exciting men are the ones that we can't have.

Forbidden fruit. So delish.

But we were talking about your love life.

Tell me about your roue.

I'm not exactly sure what that means.

It's French for "bad boy""

oh, man, that sounds so much sexier in French.

Mm-hmm, whoever came up with that language knew what they were doing.

Well, if he is a... roue, should I still go out with him?

Are you seriously asking me if it's all right to get involved with a bad boy?

Male species 101, cupcake...

Men are no good if they're not bad.

Honestly, Carrie, it's like you've never had sex.

Well, compared to you, it feels like I haven't.

Well, you let me know if this bad boy of yours doesn't work out.

I've got 40 more I can introduce you to when we next go out.

Uh, excuse me. Do you mind if I ask...

How do I know if I want regular, super, or... super plus?

Um... it's the level of protection.

Protection from what?

Didn't your wife give you specific instructions?

Um... no. I'm... I don't have a wife.

She... I'm a widower.

And so these are for my daughter.

Oh, this must be so challenging.

It is. I had no idea it was so hard to buy tampons.

No, I mean, the single dad raising a family, and...

Oh, right. Well...

I'm managing... most days.

I never envisioned I'd be spending my lunch hour buying feminine protection.

I'm sure. Poor thing.

I'm Celia, by the way. Tom.

You know, let me give you my number...

In case you ever have any questions I might be able to answer. I can be very helpful.

Your daughter... Probably uses the regular.

Good to know.

All right. Well...

It was nice meeting you, tom.

Call me.

Hey, Bradshaw!

Saved you a seat.

There he was... my bad boy.

Yeah?

Of course, yeah.

I've been sitting here, waiting for you.

Why?

Because I don't know what we're doing tomorrow.

I didn't know we were doing anything.

Well, now you do.

Well, I guess we could, um, get something to eat?

That's not very original, though.

No, it's a great idea. I'm always hungry.

I have to check with my dad first.

He still got you locked up?

No.

It's just my dad can be, uh... Well, you met him.

Ah, the two seconds at the pool.

Our dads know each other, right?

It's possible. My dad knows a lot of people.

Hmm.

What are you listening to?

The new album by the cars. Have you heard it?

Oh, you gotta. It's amazing.

This is fantastic.

I know.

Here. So we can listen together.

We had a connection, literally.

And I knew in my heart there was nothing bad about this boy.

Now I just had to convince my father of that.

Oh. Here.

This was...

On the sh-shopping list.

Oh. Thanks.

I can buy these next time.

There's gonna be a next time?

It's definitely an adventure being the father to two teenage girls.

Well, you're doing a great job.

I should tell you that more often, or once.

Aw. It means a lot to hear you say that.

Thanks, kiddo.

I mean, so great, there's hardly anything I would change.

Hardly anything?

Maybe, like, one thing.

Oh, please. Enlighten me.

That thing about you not letting me see Sebastian.

That's not gonna change.

Dad, you gotta stop thinking I'm your perfect daughter, and nobody's ever gonna be good enough for me.

Oh, I don't think that.

Oh, well, now I'm just insulted.

This isn't about you.

This is about the Kydd... kid.

You don't even know him. Neither do you.

At least give me a reason. Not now.

"Not now" means "neve"" with you.

Actually, it doesn't... Except in this case.

I just wanna understand.

There's nothing to understand.

I've said all that I can say.

You haven't said anything. Because I can't. Now drop it.

You can't? You make it sound like he's one of your clients.

Is he one of your clients?

Hello! Are we ever having dinner?

Dorrit, dad and I are in the middle of something.

No, we're not. We are done here.

Dad, come on. This is fascinating.

Meanwhile, starving children in Ethiopia - are eating better than I do.

Come here. Look.

Got everything you wanted...

Stouffer's... French bread...

Pizza.

This is a joke, right?

Isn't this what you wanted?

It's one thing...

Stouffer's French bread pizza.

Did you never notice mom kept a gazillion boxes in the freezer because it's my favorite?

Dorrit, I'm sorry.

I'll take care of myself since apparently nobody else will.

Dorrit, get back here.

Be home by 9:00!

Where are you going?

Audrey's.

Do we really think that's where she's going?

With Dorrit, who knows?

Hey.

That night, Dorrit peered into the eyes

of a soulful-looking hamster...

While I peered into my dad's confidential files.

And there it was,

the worst label Sebastian could have...

One on a folder in my dad's legal files,

which meant it was private legal information

that I was supposed to never look at.

I held out as long as I could.

And it said in the file he had intimate relations.

What does that mean, exactly...

"Intimate relations"?

It means that Sebastian got kicked out of his last school for having sex with his art history teacher.

Okay, gross. You can never date him.

But it's sort of cool he took art history, right?

That probably wasn't the only thing she taught him.

I repeat... okay, gross. You can never date him.

Well, it's not necessarily a bad thing to be with someone who knows how to do stuff.

I'm just saying...

I don't think he's boyfriend material.

Well, it's not up to you. Or you.

Well, don't look at me. I have no idea what to do.

We don't even know what really happened.

Ooh. It could have been the teacher that seduced him.

Either way, I am not enjoying the mental picture.

He made a mistake. It happens.

Your own boyfriend... He wandered off the reservation.

Now you're taking him back.

I'm not taking him back.

Aren't you guys planning to meet up in New York?

Yes, but I'm not going to make the same mistake I made before.

I obviously scared him off last time, so no pressure this time. This is me, nonchalant.

Yet you're both taking a train ride to see each other.

I'm telling myself that doesn't mean anything.

I'm pretty convincing.

So... This isn't a date.

Neither one of us has used that word.

So what are you gonna do?

Something casual but cool, like go for ice cream at serendipity.

Oh, that's so cute. That's so lame.

And by "cute" and "lame,"

you mean "casual but cool"?

Not at all.

No even if you're not saying it's a date, you could still dress like it's a date.

You know, maybe wear something cute, even a little sexy. And whatever you say next, it should not involve the word "cardigan."

Remember, ladies, you need to be cool when it comes to your men.

Seth's not my anything.

I don't even know what Sebastian is except for maybe too cool for school.

Mm! But not too cool for a schoolteacher.

Not helping.

Sorry my room is so messy.

It's all this stuff from Walt.

I know. Probably the easiest cleanup ever.

You might wanna take your time with this.

Maybe there's something you wanna keep.

It is two years of your life.

What, should I sit around here and get all weepy over some old valentines?

That's something a drama queen would do, which, as I've already said, I am not.

I'm gonna need a bigger garbage bag.

Can we decide which dress you're gonna lend me?

Yes, we can.

Try this one.

Super slutty in a good way.

Prince-ton charming will be sick he ever let you go.

I don't wanna look like I'm trying too hard.

You need to try a little.

He's already seen the math nerd.

Now it's time to show him...

The sex kitten.

I'm not a kitten.

I'm just a mouse.

Don't worry. We can make this work.

Just have to pull this up and then pin...

Uh, you know, this would be so much easier if you had even a little bit of cleavage.

Maybe Carrie will have something that fits better.

Good idea. You're both shrimp-toids.

Hello?

Crisis. My clothes don't fit mouse.

Could it be because you're 5 inches taller?

I keep forgetting how long-legged I am.

No, you don't. She could wear the shiny blue dress with the low back.

Shiny blue dress with the low back?

Oh, I love that dress.

You should wear that tonight. Aren't you seeing Sebastian?

Oh, I don't know. It's too early for slinky.

It is never too early for slinky.

Oh, I can't find it. My sister must have it.

Oh, good news is I found the shoes that go with it.

Aah!

What is it?

What happened?

What's wrong?

Are you okay?

I can't talk. I have to k*ll my sister.

Okay, call back after.

I really like that dress.

Mm-hmm.

Dorrit, what is this?

That's Morrissey, like the lead singer in the smiths.

Where did it come from?

I'm guessing a female hamster.

Does dad know about this?

No, but I'm sure you'll tell him.

You can't just get a hamster without asking dad.

I did ask. He said, "not now,"

which means never.

And he doesn't think we know that.

But mom said she'd get me one.

She just... Didn't get around to it.

Okay. I get it.

But... now you have to take care of it.

You can't just stick it in a shoebox.

It should have food and water, a wheel.

I mean, at the very least, a cage.

I wanted to get a cage, but I thought if I did, I'd get caught.

Wait. No, please tell me you did not shoplift a hamster.

Points for creativity?

It's not funny, Dorrit.

Do you understand that this is a living creature whose entire existence now depends on you?

Yes.

No, you don't, because you're utterly devoid of any sense of responsibility.

I mean, you didn't even pay for this animal.

He was $2. That's a lot.

Tell you what. If you take him back to the store right now, I won't say anything to dad.

I'm not taking him back.

I can't deal with this now.

I have to go somewhere. Where?

None of your business.

Maybe it's dad's business...

If you're meeting that guy.

So... looks like I get to keep Morrissey after all.

And while it looked like Dorrit would keep her hamster,

I kept my date with Sebastian, and nothing or nobody was gonna keep me from him.

I'm sorry we're not at dinner.

That's okay.

I brought food, though.

I'm not hungry.

I have something else for you.

I got you your own set.

Now we can listen together, like you said.

Here.

♪ who's gonna hang it up ♪ when you call?

♪ who's gonna pay attention ♪ to your dreams?

♪ Who's gonna plug their ears ♪ when you scream?

♪ You can't go on ♪ thinking As I kissed him,

everyone opinions about him slipped away...

Where'd you learn to kiss like that?

♪ Tonight I had a good teacher.

Until I was reminded of them.

I have to go.

What? Why?

Because I...

I just have to go.

And then you just ran away?

All the way to Manhattan.

Does it still count as running if you stopped to call me, change clothes, and check the train schedule?

I could not be in Castlebury, Connecticut, tonight.

But don't worry. I won't crash your date with Seth.

As soon as we get inside, you two go off and have fun.

I can't believe I'm going to a real New York nightclub.

These people. They're so eccentric!

Just so you know, they prefer the label "fabulous."

We're so lucky your friend Larissa's doing this tonight.

Larissa does something like this every night.

What's lucky is she wasn't already doing it, and I could get her on the phone. And just remember.

If she asks, you and Seth are friends of mine from home.

If Seth even shows up.

He's here! He came!

Ow! Your fingernails.

Casual and cool. Casual and cool.

Hey.

Hey.

Carrie!

Silly girl, what are you doing out here?

The action's in there.

Oh, wait. My friends. Bring them!

We were entering the furnace...

Franklin furnace,

the home of groundbreaking... Sometimes law-breaking...

Performance art.

♪ one-sided

oh, that's fantastic.

Is this a club?

Why aren't people dancing?

Hmm. Well, feel free to dance, but this is an art exhibit.

Interesting.

I don't get it.

It hasn't started yet.

Who's that?

That's the artist... Monica Penny she looks familiar.

Legendary p*rn star.

Oh. Right.

We must get to the front.

That's okay. I can see the p*rn fine from back here.

Oh, she's done with p*rn.

Monica Penny has completely renounced her former existence and reinvented herself as a performance artist.

Oh. Okay. That's great. Is she performing tonight?

Oh, darling, she's performing right now.

This piece is called "Monica Penny, take back the vag*na""

you drop a penny in that jar, and she opens her vag*na to you.

You can the...

And that's not p*rn?

No. She's not selling her vag*na. She's owning it.

You see how that's a huge difference?

Every show is different.

I heard at last night's performance, her vag*na had sex and then ordered a pizza.

While someone was about to show their box,

another one was being decorated.

Morrissey?

Morrissey?

Morrissey!

And from one beloved animal...

To another.

Bear-bear...

Do you remember when Walt won you at the spring carnival?

You were there the first time we kissed.

I was so happy that day.

I'm sorry it has to end like this.

Uhh!

As Maggie let her drama queen in,

my dad decided to go out with an old friend.

Tommy, Tommy, say no more.

I get it. You're stuck in the suburbs with your kids.

That is not what I'm saying.

I.E., your engine has been on idle.

Well, I'm here to help you get it back up to mach speed.

Just once, I wish you were talking about an actual car.

Oh, come on. You missed me. Admit it.

Yes, Harlan, I did indeed miss you.

I admit it, and I gotta tell you, I really appreciate you giving my daughter that internship.

My pleasure. When does she start?

Two months ago.

Having the time of her life.

Well, I'm about to show you the time of your life.

What do you mean?

Where are you taking me?

A singles bar. A wonderful thing they invented while we were at home being married.

Just think of it as an apple tree, where every woman there is ripe for the picking.

While my father was pushed into the fire,

we were pulled deeper into the furnace.

Look at him. He can't take his eyes off her.

Well, he's not the only one.

Come on. It's your turn.

I'm first?

Mm-hmm.

Here I go.

Okay, I have my penny.

There's the jar.

I can't do it!

I don't wanna see her vag*na!

But I'm sure it's very nice.

Mouse.

Mouse.

Oh, no, no, Carrie, you cannot miss this.

This is historic. One day you will boast that you were there to see Monica Penny reclaim her vag*na.

Turns out, "in for a Monica Penny,

in for a pound"...

Okay.

Is extremely true.

Because that's what my heart was doing... pounding.

They say that eskimos have a hundred words for "snow,"

but that's nothing compared to the number

we have for "vag*na."

"Rosebud," "the box, "hoo-ha,"

"pink panther."

Yet I was still petrified of what I would feel

when Monica Penny uncrossed her legs.

So that was it.

It looked exactly like the drawing

in my biology textbook.

But I had looked my fear in the face...

Or in this case, the vag*na.

You there. What's your name?

Uh... Carrie.

Carrie Bradshaw.

Come here. I wanna ask you a question.

Okay.

Carrie Bradshaw.

Oh. Microphone and everything.

Carrie Bradshaw, when I look at you, I see myself years ago when my power was pure and young.

Thank you.

Oh.

Thank you.

But I was foolish.

I sold my power.

I relinquished my vag*na.

Learn from my mistakes, Carrie Bradshaw.

Never let a man...

Any man...

Make your decisions.

I won't.

Own your power.

I will!

Take my throne.

What?

Show us your power. You're ready.

Show the world your vag*na.

I was not the only Bradshaw in a terrifying situation.

Anyway, so, yeah, my 16-year-old daughter needed tampons, and guess who had to go get 'em? Me.

Which, uh, you probably do all the time.

So it's not a big mystery to you, but, you know, the big problem, really, at our house, is, uh, the fact that my girls don't get along.

They... they... They fight constantly.

Well, we all know divorce is hard.

Oh, I only wish I was divorced.

I'd take that any day over being a widower.

Your wife d*ed?

I am so sorry.

Oh, my God.

Thank you?

Do you wanna...

Go someplace quieter?

You know, where... Where we can really talk?

No. No, I'm good.

I'm... I'll tell you what.

I'll give you my number.

and you can call me when you're ready to go someplace quieter.

♪ when you're around

♪ you'll be hanging around you ♪

♪ hanging around you

you bastard. First time out, you get a napkin kiss in under 15 minutes?

You b*at my best time. How'd you do it?

I have no idea. She was bored to tears until I told her that my wife d*ed.

And then she asked if I wanted to go someplace quieter.

And you didn't go?

You know, as a lawyer, I could have you declared criminally insane.

Just didn't feel right.

I mean, it felt like she was taking pity on me.

That's good. That's what you want them to do.

It is?

Yes.

Women want men they can take care of, and that is you.

The rest of us... we've got ex-wives out there who hate us, but not you. You've got no one.

Man, you are set.

It's the greatest pickup line of all time.

Losing my wife is the worst thing that ever happened to me.

It's not a pickup line.

So you're not gonna use it?

Of course I'm not gonna use it.

Is it okay if I do?

Hey, morrissey, look what I got for you.

Some yummy bologna.

Come on. You're k*lling me.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Morrissey.

Oh, no. Please don't be dead.

Please don't be dead. Please don't...

Go away. This is not a good time.

For God sake.

I need Carrie.

She's not here.

Fine. I'll take you.

I didn't say you could come in.

I'm in.

As you can see...

We have a situation.

You call this a situation?

I have five more just like it in my room.

No, th-this is bear-bear.

Bear-bear is a memento of the first time Walt and I kissed.

Please. I just ate.

I swore I wouldn't act like a drama queen this time.

Look at bear-bear. Clearly, I am a drama queen.

Well, you had to let the pain out.

I did. I gave Walt the best two years of my life.

That's a long time. That's like half your life.

I know.

This is my first real heartache.

I feel that I need to play it out to fully acknowledge the significance of the relationship.

Then he did not die in vain.

Thank you, Dorrit. You're very supportive.

Carrie predicted I would act this way, and she was right. She's always right.

I hate that about her.

She knew I'd lose my hamster.

You lost your hamster?

I lost my boyfriend, so you know what I'm feeling.

Kind of. Anyway, what do I... What do I do with bear-bear?

I can help.

But while I'm doing this, you have to look for my hamster.

Don't use the bologna. He's not interested.

Peanut butter?

I like it.

As Maggie went after her hamster,

Seth caught up with his mouse.

I'm sorry. I was trying to be cool and casual, but I can't do it.

You kidding? I'm thrilled to be out of there.

You didn't like it?

Why didn't you say something?

'Cause... seemed like you really wanted to be there.

No.

I wanted to be having ice cream at serendipity, but my friends said it'd be too dorky.

But that's you. You're dorky.

Obviously, you're not into that anymore.

What makes you say that?

You didn't even kiss me hello.

I was going to, but you were acting kind of weird.

I'm sorry. I screwed this up.

Tonight was a total bust.

Not a total bust.

I got to see you.

We can still get some ice cream.

Yeah. I'm sure there's something else in this neighborhood besides a vag*na art exhibit.

Take the throne!

Take the throne!

Take the throne!

Take the throne!

Take the throne!

Take the throne!

Take the throne!

Thank you. I'm flattered.

But I-I'm gonna have to pass.

When did people get so precious about their genitalia?

I'd show my vag*na, but I still got a penis.

Are you mad?

That was your big chance.

Flashing strangers?

I don't think I want that on my resume.

Clearly, I've misjudged you.

What do you mean?

I thought one day you'd make a name for yourself.

You know, I could imagine your picture on billboards and... the side of a bus.

But you aren't willing to own your power.

Yes, I am. You may think doing this is a good idea, and Monica Penny may think it's a good idea, and everyone here may think it's a good idea, but I don't.

So I said no, and that's me owning my power.

You have a point. Let's do lunch next week.

Mwah. Mwah.

Call me.

For the second time tonight, I was right.

But this time, I was running back.

Monica Penny had seen something in me... something strong.

And maybe it was nuts, defining myself

by what a retired p*rn star thought of me,

but she made me realize that if I didn't define who I was

and what I wanted, somebody else would.

And what I wanted was Sebastian.

And no man, not even my father, could stop me.

You know, I actually think I prefer him this way.

He's more interesting.

I just wish I could have found morrissey.

I know I'll never see him again.

Don't say that. Of course you will.

Mags!

What are you doing here?

Bonding with your unexpectedly cool little sister.

Did she show you her hamster?

Maybe next time.

I should get going.

Oh, hey, how was your night?

Did you see Sebastian?

Mm, things didn't go exactly as planned, but I'll be okay.

Hmm.

What happened to bear-bear?

Things didn't go exactly as planned for me either, but I am also gonna be okay.

Good.

Call you tomorrow. Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Is dad upstairs?

I need to talk to him.

Not home yet.

Guess I'll just wait up for him.

You do that.

I have some stuff I wanna try to find.

My roommate is a major slob.

I did ask, "can you at least clean up when my girlfriend visits?"

But the garbage is knee-deep.

What?

I'm not exaggerating, and the R.A. Thinks it's funny.

No, I mean, you just called me your girlfriend.

What, is that wrong?

I thought you didn't like using that word.

Isn't that why we broke up?

Mouse... I'm an idiot.

I-I never had a real girlfriend before you.

I didn't know what it meant.

I mean, did we have to talk every day?

Would I have to write letters and spend every weekend on the train?

But...

I miss my girlfriend.

Say it again.

Girlfriend.

Mouse was happy. She got the label she wanted...

Girlfriend.

While Maggie was accepting

that was a label she had to let go.

But she was learning to enjoy another one...

Drama queen.

You're home.

Hi. Why are you still up?

You need something?

I need to talk to you about your ban on Sebastian.

Once again, this is not a topic...

You don't have to say anything. You just have to listen.

I want you to know that I respect your opinion, and I value your guidance, but I'll make my own decisions, and I've decided to see Sebastian.

Carrie, there are things that you don't know about...

Like he had an affair with a teacher at his last school?

He told you?

No. I read your file on him.

You did what?

You can't write him off because of one mistake.

Fine. I won't. Really?

I'll write him off because he's the cause of all your reckless and irresponsible behavior.

Reading my files?

That is illegal.

You jeopardize my career because you don't like what I have to say about some boy?

Th-this is not you, Carrie.

This is you under his influence.

He is not just some boy.

You are 16 years old. I promise you, he is.

You don't get to decide what is and isn't important in my life.

All he is to you is some label on a file, not a person.

He's a kid who made a mistake.

And his parents can deal with him.

I have to deal with you.

I know that you're not perfect.

I expect you to make mistakes, but this...

Will I ever be able to trust you again?

Dad, please.

You are not the Carrie Bradshaw that I know.

Dorrit?

Dorrit?

Go away!

With a new problem child on his hands,

my father began to appreciate his original problem child.

I, uh...

Think this belongs to you.

What?

Morrissey!

I, uh, found him chewing on a stereo cord.

Dorrit, you can't bring animals into this house without consulting me.

I know. I'm taking him back to the store.

Really? Okay.

That was easy.

Mom was nuts to say I could have one.

Your mom said that?

Yeah. For some reason, she trusted me.

How stupid was that?

Your mother was not stupid, and if she wanted you to have a hamster, then... you should have a hamster.

You mean... I can keep him?

Yeah, but feed him something other than stereo cords.

Oh, speaking of which, I just filled up the freezer with stouffer's French bread pizza.

One thing... Your favorite, pepperoni.

I'm a vegetarian.

Since when?

Last week. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good.

Good. Keep me on my toes.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

Things did get pretty intense pretty fast.

But you didn't have to run away.

Just... you're a lot more experienced than me.

Is that a problem?

No.

Well, that's not very convincing.

I know about you and your teacher.

What?

I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided that I'm fine with it.

Uh...

Well, how... how do you even know about it?

My dad wouldn't let me see you, so I went through his files.

Wait, wait, wait. Y-your dad has a file on me?

Yeah, he was your lawyer.

I had a lawyer?

Nobody told me.

Well, I guess your... your teacher could've been charged, and your parents wanted to keep your name out of it, so they hired my dad to keep it hush-hush.

That was pointless. Everybody knows about it now, right?

Yeah, but nobody cares. I promise.

I mean, if anything, they're impressed.

Carrie, I don't give a crap what you and your friends thinth you called me "Carrie."

That's your name.

But you always call me "Bradshaw"

unless you're mad.

Why do you analyze everything?

I'm not. Or... or if I am, I'll... I'll stop.

It's just... This whole thing came out wrong.

Let me start again.

My dad wouldn't tell me why he didn't like you, and... I wanted to know why, and... and then I realized that... This isn't gonna happen.

What do you mean?

Us... you and me.

No, don't... Don't say that.

Stop. All this talking and snooping and talking...

It's just way too complicated.

I'm gonna go.

Now I knew what it said on Sebastian's label...

"Contents under pressure.

Handle with care."

Unfortunately, I never bothered to read it.

That's the tricky thing about labels.

Once in a while, they tell us everything we need to know.

But most of the time,

it's only a very small part of the story.

♪ It's too late slapping a word or two on a person

can make things worse.

In reality, nothing is ever as simple as the label we give it.

Let's go. Family outing. Dad, I can't...

Dat-dat-dat. It's a matter of life and death.

Come on.

♪ You can't go on you said it was a matter of life and death.

Not for you. For Morris.

Morrissey.

I really need to start writing things on my hand.

♪ Who's gonna drive you home ♪ tonight?

Dad...

I'm sorry about last night.

I should never have gone through your files.

That was a bad idea on so many levels.

You know you can't see that kid again, right? Ever.

I know.

It's not even an option anymore.

♪ Who's gonna hang it up see, this is what I wanted to avoid... you getting hurt.

Look how that turned out.

Carrie...

I may get mad. I may say things.

♪ Who's gonna pay attention but you know I believe in you.

And you know I'll always be there for you, right?

Come here.

I wanted to label my dad an overbearing,

overprotective parent,

but I could see who he really was...

A man who loved his daughters the only way he knew how.

I'm afraid to think what this will cost me.

I hate to tell you this, but you still have to pay for the hamster.

Dorrit, we need to talk. You didn't tell me that...

Right now the label on me

would say, "heartbroken, extra large."

...Apparently was able to walk out of the store with a hamster the other day, so we still...

We still need to pay for it.

♪ Who's gonna drive you home but the one thing that you have to remember about labels...

They only matter if you let them stick.