02x05 - Too Close For Comfort

[bunniefuu]

(Carrie) Before there was sex before there was the city, there was just me, Carrie Carrie Bradshaw from Castlebury, Connecticut.

Can I help you? Hi, sir.

I'm Dorrit's boyfriend.

What the hell is going on? If I didn't meet your dad, he'd never let you out of the house again.

That wasn't your call.

It was mine.

You pretend to be above the idea of commitment, but the truth is, you're just afraid to connect.

I'm not afraid of commitment.

I'm sure the girls at your school are all over you.

Not the one that matters.

How about you, my budding literary lion? How's the pitch coming? Well, I think I've finally narrowed it down to Adam Weaver.

(Walt) The young playwright I've been reading about in Arts & Leisure? Some of us are headed to McSorley's to grab a drink.

You wanna come? Yeah, I'd love to.

You get me a juicy interview, and I will publish it.

This is definitely off the record.

Definitely.

Original Air Date November 22, 2013 New York is a big city with very small living spaces.

A house party in Manhattan makes intimate conversation not only possible, but essential.

And conversing intimately was one of the things Weaver and I did best.

Yes, I-I wanna be a journalist.

Uh, but not the objective, detached kind.

Mm-hmm.

I wanna use my own voice.

You know, let people know I've been there and seen it.

Ah.

You're a Gonzo.

Gonzo? - Hunter Thompson.

Gonzo journalism.

Not to be confused with Gonzo the Great The greatest Muppet character ever.

Uh, yes.

Blue fur, purple feathers, wild-eyed optimism.

Mm-hmm.

In love with, uh Camilla the chicken.

Yes.

(Laughs) (Chuckles) But anyway, back to Hunter Thompson.

Right.

You're out of cups.

And this wine is cheaper than my press-on nails.

(Chuckles) Oh, well.

When in Rome.

(Howard Jones) whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh, whoa-whoa Why don't you two just get a room already? This is Weaver's room.

Oh, yeah.

Then why don't you kick everyone the hell out? Mmm.

Bass player in a wifebeater.

Yummy.

Wow.

She is a character.

Oh, she sure is.

(Laughs) You know, all these all these characters in our lives are fodder for our writing.

And then you see You see that guy in the fedora and the wader boots? Mm-hmm.

That's, like, his uniform.

(Laughs) He inspired my short play "The Fishy Detective.

" (Laughs) Oh! (Laughs) - Right? - I love it! - And I love dating a writer.

Mmm.

You wanna know my favorite part? My devastating good looks and k*ller charm? (Giggles) Listening to the clacking of your typewriter when I'm falling asleep.

whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh, whoa-whoa Whoa-oh-oh whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh, whoa-whoa Whenever Weaver and I were together, it felt like we were alone in our own little world.

Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh I love watching you write in your cute little diary.

It's not a little diary! It's a sophisticated journal.

And just for the record, there are plenty of heavyweight writers that have kept journals Virginia Woolf, Joan Didion Franz Kafka.

I know.

(Chuckles) I know.

My favorite cockroach owes his existential existence to a journal.

I tried a typewriter.

I just wanna be able to write whenever the mood strikes, so I just carry my journal everywhere.

Ugh.

I'm jealous.

I haven't seen daylight in weeks because I'm chained to my typewriter.

At least it's it's paying off.

I just finished the first act of my play.

You did? - Mm-hmm.

That's amazing.

Can I read it? - Oh, no way.

It's not personal.

No, I never let anyone read my work until it's finished.

Writing is is a-a sacred thing.

Private.

I totally respect that.

I would never let anyone read my journal.

It's just (Inhales deeply) It's way too intimate.

See, and I love dating a writer, too.

You get me.

You think of me as a writer? I love that.

So can you at least tell me what your new play is about? Of course.

My ex-girlfriend Katja.

(Samantha) Who cares? It's not like he's sleeping with her.

It's like we're both sleeping with her.

Like she's right there in the room with us.

I knew a Katja once.

She was hot.

Not helping.

I thought listening to the clacking of his typewriter as I fell asleep was romantic.

Little did I know those clacks were conjuring up some tall, hot vixen named Katja.

Sounds like a three-way without the fun.

If your man brings a bombshell into the bedroom named Katja, you might as well get some good sex out of it.

Thankfully, we haven't had sex yet.

What? You and Weaver still haven't had sex? Well, pretty much as close to it as you can get.

What are you waiting for? A rich arab? Never fake your virginity with an arab, by the way.

They have ways to suss it out of you.

It was dreadful.

I was thinking of faking the opposite with Weaver Pretending I'm not a virgin.

(Lowered voice) You haven't told him you're a virgin? No, and I don't plan on it.

I made such a big deal out of it with Sebastian.

I mean, it was just a mess.

I don't want my lingering virginity to put pressure on my relationship with Weaver.

So if you have sex with Weaver, how do you plan on faking your non-virginity? Well, I figure pain and pleasure sound sort of the same.

Grunting is grunting.

Just don't scream "Ow.

" Anyway, I'm not even sure I want to have sex with someone who's still intimately involved with his ex.

I mean, even if it is just in his imagination.

When you're in a new relationship, you have to mentally and physically cut all ties with exes.

I don't know.

I mean, maybe in some cases, it is possible to be friends with an ex? Like you and Sebastian? No, not like me and Sebastian.

We are the opposite case.

There's just too much pain and wreckage between us.

We're respectful, yet distant.

Like when we pass in the hallways, we just keep our heads down, nod ever so slightly, and keep walking.

I remember how awkward it was in high school when you run into an ex.

I had to quit Spanish after sleeping with Señor Gomez, and English and history.

High school was just full of opportunities.

Yes, it is.

But not to sleep with the faculty To prove yourself.

(Scoffs) That is why I am president of the Homecoming Committee.

It's not my thing, but I will put up with a bunch of idiot cheerleaders with pom-poms to beef up with college apps.

All this talk of pom-poms reminds me I have to go display mine at my new job.

(Bills rustle, chair scrapes floor) There's nothing like getting paid to be naked.

See you later, girls.

Bye.

See you.

(Footsteps depart, door opens) (Whispers) Do you think she's a call girl? Stripper.

Yeah.

Most people find being naked in front of others to be an intimate act.

Some, like, Samantha, find being naked as matter of fact as shaking hands.

Since you took over as the artist model, enrollment in my class has tripled.

The arts student league is suddenly the place to be.

Honey, this is nothing.

Once word of mouth hits, you'll have to rent grand central station to fit all the artists who want.

While nothing was too intimate for Samantha, Sebastian was feeling uncomfortably close to his mom.

So what's this about, Ma? Can't I just have lunch with my handsome son? This isn't something we ever do.

And you hate coming to this house, so I'm pretty sure there's a point to it.

I do have some wonderful news I want to share with you.

Lucas and I are getting married.

Married? To the tennis instructor? Mm.

Look at my ring.

He picked it out himself.

Did he pay for it himself? Now that's just cruel.

Don't do that.

It doesn't suit you.

I just I worry about you, mom.

Mm.

You shouldn't.

Lucas makes me so happy.

We have so many common interests.

We travel.

We work out together.

He's 24.

(Chuckles) Age doesn't matter.

Don't you want me to be happy? Yeah, of course I do, but No "Buts".

(Laughs) If you love me, you'll want to celebrate my marriage to Lucas.

A toast? (Clink) Doesn't Mr.

Byrne look like the monster Grendel? (Laughs) Totally.

He looks like a troll.

Who looks like a troll? Miller.

What are you doing here? I just wanted to see my girlfriend, and I couldn't wait till 4:00.

See you in class, Dorrit.

See ya.

Who was that? I don't like him.

He was checking you out.

Gabe Levitt? Are you kidding? He's a geek from my trig class.

You don't know guys, Dorrit.

You need to stay away from him.

The next time he gives me his notes on the Law of Cosines, I'll be sure to say "No.

" (Laughs) He offers you his notes.

He's totally hitting on you.

Please do not tell me you came here to talk about some nerd in my math class.

So you know how my whole house is a dust pit covered in plastic? My 'rents decided to bail, so I have the whole place to myself.

Okay.

You can stay the whole week.

I can't sleep out on a school night.

Just say you have, like, a project with Audrey you have to finish.

So we can hang around in a construction site? A couple weeks ago, you would've slept in a dumpster just to be alone with me.

I gotta get to class.

I'll call you later, okay? Yeah, okay.

I'll be at the record store, so Call me.

You got yourself a smotherer.

What? No, he's not.

He just really likes spending time with me.

A guy who hangs all over you? At first, it's all sweet and romantic.

And then one day you're like, "Help! He's trying to suffocate me!" Ring true? And while my sister was wondering if Miller was getting too close I was making sure my ex didn't.

We each stayed our separate course, like ships passing in the night.

But following the rules never had been Sebastian's strong point.

Carrie, can I talk to you for a minute? Uh, yeah.

S-sure.

I'm sorry to come up and bother you.

No, it's it's no bother.

It's no big deal.

So what's up? So this is awkward.

No, it's not awkward.

It's Okay.

Maybe maybe a little.

Well, I meant what I have to ask you.

Oh.

(Chuckles) Right.

But this is awkward, too.

Yeah, and I just made it that much more so.

Um, so what is it you wanted to ask me? I was hoping I could talk to your dad.

Is everything okay? Are you in trouble? Believe it or not, I am not in trouble.

It's my mom.

She's marrying that tennis instructor.

Wow.

That's Embarrassing.

Awful.

Potentially tragic.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay? Pretty sure I blacked out when she started talking about giving me a baby brother or sister.

I-I don't even know what to say.

I didn't think she could surprise me, but Well Whatever you need.

I was hoping your dad could give me some advice to make sure my mom's protected.

Yeah, of course.

I know he'd be happy to help you.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

I thought you weren't talking to Sebastian.

I'm not.

Carrie! You can't just open the door to an ex.

You give an ex an inch, he'll take a mile.

It's nothing like that.

Sebastian's going through something.

I can't get into it.

And I'm just helping him as a friend.

I thought you said you and Sebastian couldn't be friends.

And you're keeping secrets with him now? (Unzips backpack) This is worse than I thought.

We both agreed you can't be involved with him.

I'm not.

I just talked to him in the hallway.

I-I'm not writing about him or involved with an ex, like some people.

Still tormented by Katja? Mm.

Completely.

You know, I get that I'm not allowed to read Weaver's play.

But suddenly, I feel like there's all this stuff that I should know about.

Like how he felt about her? Yeah.

How he feels about her.

I mean, for all I know (Zips backpack) He's still pining, and I'm just some pale substitute keeping Katja's space warm in the bed until he can win her back.

Wouldn't it be so weird if you looked like her? Like one of those creepy Hitchcock movies.

Ha ha.

I'm sure he's gonna bludgeon me in the shower or have birds att*ck me.

Just ask him about her.

If Weaver was hiding something, he wouldn't have brought her up in the first place.

You're right.

I'll do that.

I'll just ask him.

But if you look like her, I'd run for the hills.

(Gasps) I have to go.

West promised me he'd give me feedback on my Homecoming float! Oh, poor West.

So? What did you think? Isn't it beautiful? Yeah.

It it looked good.

Good? That's it? Didn't you love the color ochre I picked? Sure.

Sure? It's awesomely autumnal.

I guess.

(Sighs) Just say it.

You obviously don't like the float.

No, I do.

It's just that it could a little bit of glitter or something.

Glitter? I hate glitter.

Glitter is messy and expensive and an insufficient use of funds.

Oh, my God.

It's almost time.

Countdown to the Homecoming King and Queen results.

I'm dying.

I need to prepare for my photo op.

Blue mascara wand now.

Wait.

Who the hell are you? I'm Jen.

What what happened to the other Jen? Her parents moved, and actually, I prefer "Jenny.

" Actually (Chuckles) No, you don't.

(Opens compact) (Clears throat) Homecoming monarchy is so stupid.

Why do we perpetuate such archaic, empty figureheads to be filled by empty people? (P.

A.

Tone chimes) I move to abolish.

(Microphone feedback whines) (Man over P.

A.

) Class of 1986, hold on to your hats.

Your Homecoming Queen is the lovely Donna Ladonna! Ohh! And your Homecoming King Star athlete and scholar Thomas West! (Students cheer) Did they just say Thomas West? As in you? (Laughs) Yeah, I think they did.

(Bell rings) Congratulations.

You're meeting me at the gym, right? To finish the float.

Yeah.

I-I'll try.

Are you exhausted? Posing all day must be so tiring.

It's invigorating.

Lounging around naked, being admired is one of my favorite pastimes.

(Chuckles) Getting paid for it's icing on the cake.

And the best part of the deal is living here in the studio at night.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

It's clean and it's spacious, and all the art depicts a subject I love my own nude form.

This is Bob's work.

He's got talent.

See his use of color and shadow? All I can see is how he perfectly captured my fabulous bod.

(Chuckles) What the hell is this?! It's a broken heart.

Obviously, Gordon sees something in you Something sad and wounded.

There's no sadness in me.

What a load of crap.

In the divorce, my dad had to pay a pretty penny, and I wanna make sure no one can take that away from her.

Well, and someday, that money should be yours, Sebastian.

I don't care about that.

I only care about protecting my mom.

You are a great kid.

My first impression about you was way off, and I'm sorry about that.

Well, no apology necessary.

Your first impression of me was that I'd been thrown out of school for having an affair with my teacher.

Not my finest moment.

You were a kid that got taken advantage of, and I should have recognized that.

Hey, I get it.

If I had a daughter like Carrie, I'd probably wouldn't let any guy near her.

Yeah.

Carrie's something.

Yes, she is.

Well, I'd like to help you myself, Sebastian, but I don't practice family law.

What I can do is give you a list of excellent lawyers who specialize in prenups.

That would be great.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

It's a heavy burden to carry.

Hey, as long as my mom's okay, I'm all right.

I'll, uh, I'll just run upstairs and get you those phone numbers.

Okay? - All right.

Thanks, Mr.

Bradshaw.

Oh.

Um I-I knew you were coming over.

I-I just I thought you'd be gone by now.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Oh, it's okay.

We're pretty much done.

And your dad was very helpful.

Good.

I'm glad.

Why do you look like you've been finger-painting with kindergartners? (Chuckles) Oh.

(Chuckles) Yeah, I was helping Mouse finish the float.

And my painting skills are pretty much at the kindergarten level.

You're covered.

(Chuckles) You got paint in your hair.

(Chuckles nervously) (Telephone rings) (Chuckles) (Sighs) Hey, Carrie.

(Ring) (Receiver picks up) (Tom) Hello? Um, I-I was only helping out because West was too busy with his Homecoming King duties.

But I'm guessing Mouse must be regretting asking me to pitch in.

(Chuckles) I bet not.

Carrie, it's for you.

It's some guy named Weaver.

Weaver? Uh Oh, I see you found Sebastian.

Yes, I did find Sebastian.

Um, if you'll both excuse me a second, I-I have to take this this call.

(Drops backpack) Uh, it's from a friend.

Weaver from work.

He's a work friend.

Ah.

Is he a new hire at "Interview"? You never mentioned him.

Oh, um, sort of.

He He freelances.

Weaver? - Hi.

Hey.

(Lowered voice) Can you hold on a minute? Uh, sure.

Yeah, I think I've got a few more quarters.

Carrie, you're You're tied up, literally.

I'm just gonna take off.

Okay? Um, yeah.

Sure.

I'll I'll see you at school.

Night, Bradshaw.

Night, Kydd.

(Footsteps depart, door opens) (Door closes) Hi.

Sorry.

Um, I can talk now.

Great.

Hey, who was that? Oh, that was just, um One of my dad's clients.

I've heard of doctor house calls, but lawyers? I think this is a first.

Yes, his his clients they just pop in.

He's he's a lawyer who's extremely close with his clients.

Well, good for them.

So I was thinking maybe it might be fun to have an adventure in the city Saturday.

You and me.

Would you be up for that? A date? Saturday? Yes.

Sure.

Yes, it's it's a date.

That was redundant, wasn't it? (Laughs) - Kind of.

Well, anyway, I'll I'll just I'll see you then.

Yeah, see you, Carrie.

They say the most intimate thing you can do is lie with a man.

I wasn't quite sure what they would say about lying to two men.

But it was starting to seem like a problem.

(School bell rings) (Indistinct conversations) Sebastian was at your house? No, it's not what you think.

He was there to talk to my dad about that thing that he's going through that I can't tell you about.

But then we started talking, and then he brushed paint chips out of my hair.

I warned you not to open that door! Well, I just opened my real door, not the metaphorical one.

In this case, there's no difference.

I smell disaster.

It's going to sabotage your relationship with Weaver.

I know it was a mistake.

But I only opened the door a cr*ck.

I can still fix it.

Yes, you can.

Just slam that door shut.

I will.

The next time I see Sebastian, I'm just going back to my lowered head nod thing.

Good.

And I'm going back to finishing my float while my boyfriend is off gallivanting with that dragon Donna Ladonna.

Wait.

You don't actually care that Donna is Queen to West's King, do you? Why should I care? They're only off getting their photos taken with the mayor, while I'm slaving away, making this stupid float for them to stand on.

What girl wouldn't want her boyfriend playing puppet monarch with a pouty sexpot? It's like a nightmare come true.

Come on, Mouse.

You know West would never be attracted to someone like Donna.

He's so much cooler than that.

Well, it's still annoying.

And apparently West is so cool, he's the most popular boy in school.

Yeah, he is.

(John Denver) He was born in the summer of his 27th year You know, when I first heard this song, I started thinking that Grace and I should move to Colorado.

It just made the rockies seem so magical.

Behind him oh.

Hey.

Surprise! Hey! I invited Miller to dinner.

His house is under construction.

How did you even know about that? Well, he stopped by this morning to give me this album John Denver And, uh, we, uh, we got to talking.

Maybe I should leave you to talking.

Seems like you really enjoy each other's company.

Wouldn't want to get in the way.

I know I'm the third wheel here.

It's just nice having someone around who appreciates my music.

Didn't realize you were into folk music.

Didn't you tell me the banjo was the most annoying instrument ever invented? I like all music.

And besides, it was really cool of your dad to rescue me from another night of fruity pebbles.

You know what? There is no reason you should have to suffer like that for another week.

Why don't you stay with us? Huh? As long as it's okay with your parents.

Well, they'll be totally okay with it.

I'm sure they'll be thrilled to get me out of that dust pit.

(Chuckles) Are you serious? You're actually inviting my boyfriend to stay in our house? (Sighs) This is just freaky.

Miller can stay with rules, of course.

He sleeps on the sofa.

Doors are kept open.

See, Dorrit? Your dad's not quite as square as you think.

Huh? So what do you say? That would be rad.

Besides, with our busy schedules, it'll be nice to get some time together.

Welcome to the Bradshaw Hotel.

Did you see the look on the mayor's face when you shook his hand? I think you crushed it.

I guess I have a strong handshake.

(Giggles) I love a man with strong hands.

(Chuckles) Hey, babe.

How's the float coming? What is that? Are your eyes impaired along with your brain? It's a pumpkin for the front of the float.

Pumpkins signify autumn, the harvest.

Pumpkins signify just one thing to me the hideous color orange.

Orange clashes with my complexion.

I'm best in cool colors blues, violet, pale green.

Trash the pumpkin and make some grapes or something.

I will not trash the pumpkin.

I'm your Queen, and (Chuckles) I command you to trash it.

You are going to ride an orange float and like it.

I refuse to ride on a drab float.

At least spruce it up with some glitter.

Glitter? (Exhales) You both love glitter so much, why don't you finish the float? Commoners can be so touchy.

Mouse, what's wrong? There's nothing wrong! What makes you think there's anything wrong? You've been edgy ever since the whole Homecoming King thing.

Are you jealous of Donna? You think I'd be jealous of that empty-headed blow-up doll? But you're obviously upset.

Look I know I'm not popular.

I know most people don't like me.

Mouse, that's crazy.

I love you, and so do your friends.

(Voice breaking) That amounts to all of around four people on earth, plus my parents, who are essentially forced to love me.

So that doesn't count.

The number doesn't matter.

Hey, math genius.

(Breathes deeply) Numbers always matter.

(Door bell jingles) And there he was The ex who had become too close.

(Door closes) I was determined to return to our post-mating dance The ritual that ensured our separateness.

Just two ships passing in the night.

But a wave of concern unexpectedly washed over me, and suddenly I was shipwrecked.

Hey.

You okay? Yeah.

I know you, and you're not okay.

(Indistinct conversations) I got in a fight with my mom.

I tried to talk to her about a prenup.

Did not go well.

She gave me an ultimatum either I show up at her wedding or she'll cut me out of her life.

Mm.

What are you gonna do? Show up, stand there, and watch my mother make this huge mistake.

This is why you're supposed to have siblings, so you don't have to go through this kind of hell alone.

Do you want me to go with you? Oh, yeah, no.

You don't have to do that.

I wasn't fishing for an offer.

No, I know.

I'd really like to go.

I-I don't mean I'd really like to go because it sounds fun.

I mean, it sounds awful.

I just I'd like to be there for you.

Okay.

Well if you mean it, I'd love the company.

Yeah, of course.

Um, when is it? This weekend.

My mom doesn't believe in waiting.

Saturday? Yeah, Saturday night.

I-I totally get it if you have other plans.

Don't worry about it.

Oh.

Uh Well, I have to be in the city during the day.

Uh, just for work.

But, um, I can be there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Are you sure? Totally sure.

Yeah, one thing's during the day, the other's at night.

It it's no problem.

All right, thanks, Carrie.

I'd meant to close the door on my relationship with Sebastian.

Instead, I'd opened a can of worms.

(Boat horn blows) I've never walked across a bridge before.

The Brooklyn bridge is one of my favorite spots in the city.

It's got an awesome history.

It's so beautiful.

It's like magic that it even exists.

All those wires and concrete.

And the bridge was a beast to build.

The the first builder crushed his foot and d*ed, so then his son took over.

But then his son got decompression sickness from working in the submerged towers, so his wife trained as an engineer to execute his plans.

I mean, so much happened, but in the end, the bridge turned out to be six times stronger than it needed to be.

Are you still in love with Katja? What? No.

It's just, you're writing a play about her.

And I know I can't read it, which is fine.

But you're spending all your time thinking about some other girl, and all I know is her name is Katja.

That's kind of worrying me.

Are you still into her? No.

No.

Katja is a psycho bitch.

(Sighs) Oh! (Laughs) Thank God.

(Laughs) I mean, I'm sorry.

(Laughs) But sort of relieved.

No, I was, uh, look, I was in a bad place when I was dating Katja.

Staying up late, partying, not being productive.

Writing about Katja is my way of letting go of that painful time in my life.

I totally get that.

That relationship is a lot like the Brooklyn bridge.

You know, a lot of people went through a lot to build it, but now there's this magical bridge.

You're the bridge.

I'm the bridge? Strong yet incredibly beautiful.

Oh, you really are gifted with words.

(Laughs) Hey, hey.

I promise, Katja is nothing to be upset about.

Okay, it's not like I'm still in contact with her.

If I was, that would be a problem.

It would? Yeah.

You can't move on while you're still entangled with an ex.

It's just too tricky.

Yeah.

So H-hypothetically, it would be a problem for you if I was still close to an ex? Yeah.

(Thunderclap) Oh, no! Hey, here.

Come on.

(Horns honking) (Rainfall, thunder rumbling) It's lucky that your parents live so close to the bridge.

And even luckier that they're out of town, since I hate them.

(Both chuckle) Here.

Here's some clothes if you wanna change.

Bathroom's down the hall.

(Chuckles) It's they're not Carrie Bradshaw chic, but at least they're dry.

Thank you.

(Laughs) Oh, and there should be one towel in there.

Um, I'll go hunt for some more.

Okay.

Can you also hunt for some food? I'm starving.

They've been gone for weeks.

I doubt there's anything but some stale crackers.

No worries.

I always have emergency fruit.

Can you go upstairs and grab the banana from my purse? Wait.

I-I'm sorry.

You You carry fruit in your purse? Yeah.

That's how my mother raised me.

Oh.

That way, I always have a provision in case of an emergency.

You know, like a sudden rainstorm in the middle of a date.

But doesn't doesn't the fruit get smooshed? Not if you wrap it neatly in a napkin.

(Whispers) Oh.

Which reminds me, please bring down my banana and my napkin.

At your service.

(Giggles) - Thanks.

All right, time's up for today.

So I'll see you all in class on Monday.

(Indistinct conversations) You're Gordon, aren't you? Yeah.

Your work's very intense.

I bet you're intense about a lot of things.

(Door bell jingling) Ugh! My feet are k*lling me.

I thought being queen was gonna be about handmaidens serving me, but instead I'm serving the unwashed masses like Mother Frickin' Theresa.

Come on.

You know you love it.

Well, it is what I was born to do.

So how's it going with the smotherer? You might've been right about him.

(Sighs) How far has it gotten? Is he showing up at your house unannounced? Worse.

He got my dad to let him move into my house.

Ugh.

This is a bad case.

He wasn't always like this.

It seems like once I started school and got busy, he got clingy-er.

Classic progression.

And what's so weird is that I was in love with him, like, a week ago.

I loved the songs he wrote.

And it's not just his stupid songs that make me wanna puke.

Even the color of his lips are barfy.

He curdled.

All men have expiration dates, like milk.

Once they've turned, they've gotta be tossed.

I don't know if Miller's curdled or if it's having him in the midst of my family that's making me sick.

Go home and double-check.

If he's gone sour, you'll know.

Much better, though these sweatpants are a wee bit too long.

Did you find my banana? That's not my banana.

That's my journal.

What are you doing? You're reading my journal? It it was right there next to the banana, and I What, and you felt compelled to open it up and and read it? You, who lectured me on how writing is sacred? I know.

It's it's It's a total double standard.

I don't know what came over me.

Okay, I've I've I've never done anything like this before, ever.

I mean, some something about you, I-I lose my senses.

Ugh.

Don't try that on me.

You can't flatter your way out of this one.

I'm not.

I just I-I wanna know everything about you, everything you're thinking.

Every thought in in that that beautiful, crazy, interesting head of yours, and it was it was right there, like, beckoning me, okay? And I (Claps hands) Ugh.

I-I (Sighs) It's no excuse.

I'm so sorry.

You should be.

But in a way, I'm almost glad I did, because we we clearly have a lot to talk about.

Yeah.

Uh, I guess We do.

(Grunts) I-I've tried to tell you.

I just I don't know how.

You just say it.

(Laughs) Be honest.

Look, it's more complicated for me because we go to high school together There's nothing complicated about being a virgin.

It's not something you should feel weird about, but it's kind of something I should know.

What? Oh.

Wow.

Right.

I mean, why why would you keep that from me? I just didn't want to make it seem important.

I did that once before, and and it blew up in my face.

It is important.

Having sex for the first time is a big deal.

I mean, look, things have been great and heading in a certain direction, at least, I hope.

But if I'm gonna be your first, I want it to mean something.

Yeah.

I know.

I-I just don't want it to become this big thing that just takes over.

I get it.

But I want you to be open with me.

I I really like you, Carrie.

So much.

And you your first time should be special.

Hopefully, it can it can be special with me.

Carrie - No, don't talk.

But are you sure? Really sure.

I'm ready.

Sure sure? - Totally sure.

(Thud) (Carrie) Ow! - Are you okay? (Strained voice) - Oh.

Yeah, I just I hit my elbow on the foosball table.

(The Outlets' "Bright Lights" playing) Miller! (Record needle scratches, music stops) We have to talk.

Do you know you're like a Greek goddess? Making love to you is like floating in a dream.

(Exhales) Well, your dream is about to become a nightmare.

Put your pants on and get out.

W-what? What what happened? What happened is, I only had sex with you to prove what a bad artist you are.

You depicted me as a pathetic sad sack with a broken heart.

I couldn't possibly have a broken heart because as you know now, I don't have a heart.

That wasn't your heart in the painting.

It was mine.

What are you talking about? My heart is broken.

My girlfriend just dumped me.

I'm in so much pain, I don't know what to do with my feelings.

(Voice breaking) My shrink told me to pour it into my art.

This isn't happening.

Alice left me for a chiropractor.

Can you believe that? (Crying) He drives a station wagon and lives in Scarsdale.

Dude, you need to grow a pair.

(Continues crying) Miller, I did love you so much, but I just don't feel it anymore.

I'm sorry.

It's over.

What, you're Breaking up with me? Yeah.

That's what "It's over" means.

I don't understand what I did.

Well, for starters, you weaseled your way into staying at my house by working my dad, which is just gross.

Well, I thought you'd be happy about my staying here.

You thought wrong.

Dorrit, you can't break up with me.

I'm still in love with you.

You're just in love with the idea of me.

You'll get over it.

I just wrote a new love song for you.

Just let me get my guitar.

I'll play it.

Miller, don't embarrass yourself.

You should go.

Now.

It was nothing like I'd imagined.

It was on a couch in a rec room.

No rose petals or champagne.

Mmm.

But it was perfect.

How are you feeling? (Giggles) I feel good.

We're getting married tonight, right? Mm, of course.

(Giggles) Oh, what time is it? Hey, we'd better hurry before the chapel closes.

(Chuckles) What? Oh, no.

Oh! - There isn't really a chapel.

No, I-I-I know.

It's What time is it? Uh, it's it's 6:00.

(Gasps) Hey, what's wrong? I-I-I'm supposed to be somewhere.

(Whispers) Oh, crap! Sebastian? What are you doing out here? You're not trying to delay the wedding in protest, are you? No.

I'm just waiting for a friend.

Well, come inside.

You don't want to be late for your mother's wedding.

I'll be in in a minute.

Promise.

Mouse? What are you doing here? Carrie's been trying to reach you.

There's no answer at your house.

She missed her train and asked me to be here in her place.

Oh.

Well, you didn't have to come, Mouse.

But thanks.

It means a lot.

You bet.

Ohh.

That was the best grilled cheese sandwich I have ever tasted.

It's the bacon that makes it, right? Totally.

(Laughs) The bacon was like Mmm, heaven.

Hey, you gotta love New York delis.

I mean, where else can you get greasy food delivered around the clock? I need to talk to you about something.

You were really honest with me about Katja, and I haven't been fully upfront with you.

Okay.

I have been in close contact with my ex.

How close? Just as friends.

But I-I was going to go with him to his mom's wedding tonight.

Which is why you were so upset you missed your train.

Yes.

But the truth is, I'm glad I missed it.

This is where I wanna be, with you, and I'm going to shut the door with him and lock it so it can't be opened.

I recommend dead bolts And a chain.

And one of those crazy bars that goes between the door and the floor.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything earlier.

It's okay.

I mean, after all, I am the schmuck who read your journal today, so we're more than even.

Thank you.

Is, uh, is it too soon? I don't think so.

(Chuckles) Oh, hey.

Dorrit I'm really sorry things didn't work out with Miller.

I'm not.

Oh! He forgot his stones t-shirt.

It's his favorite shirt.

Should I try and get it back to him? No.

We had some k*ller jam sessions.

Dad Never, ever become friends with one of my boyfriends again.

Okay.

Got it.

(Exhales deeply) (Door bell jingling) (Indistinct conversations) Hey.

Hey.

You skipped out on Homecoming.

I know.

I know you weren't psyched that I was Homecoming King, but you didn't need to miss out on your float.

It got raves.

Everyone loved the pumpkin.

West, I didn't miss it because you were king.

I missed it because Sebastian needed me, and I knew you'd be fine.

His mom married the tennis pro from the club.

Whoa.

Is he okay? I'm glad I could be there for him.

You're a great friend, and I can't think of anything more important than that.

It's not how many people like you.

It's the quality of those relationships.

I know.

You're right.

Wow.

Did you actually just admit that I was right? I might need this in writing.

This is a date for the record books.

(Chuckles) Well, enjoy it while you can because it's not likely to happen again soon.

And I hope you enjoy this.

(Sighs) I'm sorry I missed your coronation.

I thought I could make it up to you by crowning you myself.

Used tons of extra glitter.

Thanks.

And you're right.

Glitter is a sticky mess.

Yeah.

(Laughing) (Laughing) (The Waterboys "The Whole Of The Moon" playing) Intimacy is a mysterious thing.

It means different things to different people.

I pictured a rainbow You held it in your hands I had flashes It can be a closeness that's both emotional or physical.

And for me and Weaver, it was now both.

We had done the most intimate, physical act of all.

While you just stayed in your room Intimacy can also be a private truth that, when glimpsed by another, leaves you feeling exposed.

You saw the whole of the moon the whole of the moon and then there's the intimacy that comes with friendship People you can be fully yourself with.

Carrie! Did you get a facial at that place Mario Badescu Larissa told us about? Your skin is glowing.

I know that glow, and that's not from a facial.

(Giggles) (Whispers) Did you really do it?! Yes.

(Laughs) Ha! Thank God.

(Gasps and squeals) (Laughs) How was it? It was lovely and special and totally unexpected.

Hopefully not so unexpected that you were unprepared.

Oh, gosh, no.

No.

We used protection, of course.

Did it hurt? Because when I first did it, it hurt more than having my wisdom teeth removed, which was excruciating.

So? How bad was it? I-I don't think I'm ready to talk about the intimate details of the deed.

(Laughs) No fair! We've waited this long to hear the good stuff.

I kinda wait to keep the good stuff to myself, if that's okay.

Party pooper.

But you're happy? Really happy.

Some milestones are so special, you want to keep the details all for yourself.

Becoming intimate with a new person is wonderful and exciting.

But it can also be bittersweet.

Sometimes you have to shut the door on old loves in order to become truly close to a new one.