TED (2030): This is the story of two blind dates. One in 2009... And one seven years earlier. In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same... until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different. Because it was exactly the same. I was on a blind date with the same woman I went on a blind date with seven years earlier.
IN. JEN'S APPARTMENT 2002/2009 [Two years in the same screen]
Ted knocks on the door, she opens.
Jen: Ted?
Ted: Jen?
**2009**
Jen: It's nice to meet you.
Ted (2030): And she didn't remember it. But then again...
Ted: It's nice to meet you, too.
Ted (2030): Neither did I.
***GENERIC
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: Guess who just got four tickets to the "Origins of Chewbacca" Star Wars exhibit?
Lily: Why?
Barney: No, I said, "Guess who?"
Lily: I heard you.
Robin: Yeah, um, isn't it a little early in our relationship to do something that would end our relationship?
Marshall: What? No, what are you talking about? It can be our first double date as couples! And plus, it sounds awesome! Is the original Chewbacca going to be there?
Barney: Peter Mayhew, in the fur. Who's with me?
IN. TAXI
Marshall has accepted to go with Barney and they took a taxi.
Marshall: Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee to English dictionaries there? I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful.
Barney: We're not going to the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit,Marshall. It's inHouston this year. Everyone knows that. I just wanted to get rid of the girls.
Marshall: Where are you taking me, Barney?
Ted (2030): This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.
**FLASHBACK 4 YEARS EARLIER**
IN. TAXI
Ted: Wait a second, the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit's inMontreal this year. Everyone knows that. Where are you taking me?
Barney: My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. But we're still stopping for chili dogs first.
Ted: Stop the cab.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Marshall: Where are you taking me?
IN. STRIP CLUB
Marshall: Barney, why are we here?
Barney: Marshall, now that Robin and I are together, I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily.
Marshall: Thanks, man.
Barney: You're a terrible couple. Lily has taken all the man out of you. I used to think that's just every relationship. But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a girlfriend and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time.
Marshall: Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here, she would be completely fine with it?
Barney: Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles and a poncho for the 10:30 Jell-O show. BT-Dub, I called ahead it's lime.
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, Jen and I were at my favourite first date restaurant... for the second time.
IN. RESTAURANT
Ted: So, Jen, what do you do?
Jen: I'm between jobs banking crisis.
**FLASHBACK 2002**
Jen: I'm between jobs Internet bubble burst. Makes me realize I should go into something more stable... like banking. So what about you?
Ted: I'm an architect. Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush on the masterpiece that isManhattan's skyline.
** 2009**
Ted: I teach architecture. Get 50% off so, that's pretty sweet.
IN. STRIP CLUB
A striper comes up to Marshall.
Marshall: Married!
Barney: What is wrong with you? You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women. It's harmless. Wait. Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women.
Marshall: I do! It's just not that easy.
Barney: False! I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mudflaps. Took me less than a mile.
Marshall: Not everyone is you, okay, Barney? Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that... it seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty. So first, I need to have a different fantasy.
**MARSHALL'S FANTASY**
Lily starts to hiccup. Marshall took her to the hospital.
Doctor: Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder that's apparently medical illegitimate.
Marshall : What?! How could this be?!
Doctor: Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have.
6 months later, Lily is still in the hospital.
Lily: It's time, baby.
Marshall: I will never love again.
Lily: No,Marshall, you must. And after an appropriate number of years, you should find someone else. Someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time. And plow her like a cornfield.
Then she dies.
At the funeral, the priest speaks.
Priest: And so,Marshall, to honour Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time and plow her like a cornfield.
And after an appropriate number of years, someone knocks at the door.
Delivery girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: (kissing his hand and looking up and ) This one's for you Lily. (to the delivery girl, opening his shirt) Where do I sign?
**END OF FANTASY**
Marshall: And then watch out, because it is on!
Barney: That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Dude, Lily gets you in real life She has no business in your fantasies.
Marshall: It's all I know, okay? I can't, I can't help it.
Barney: I accept your invitation. Marshall Eriksen, from this day forward, I will be the wingman of your mind. Now, focus on the next dancer. Put Lily completely out of your mind.
Voice: Gentlemen, say hello J-J-J-Jasmine.
The striper looks like Lily.
Marsahll: Barney? Is it just me or does that stripper look exactly like...?
Barney, excited, calls Ted on the phone.
Barney: Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily!
Ted: Yeah, I can't talk right now.
Barney: I'm speechless, too. Everything's as perky as we've always imagined!
Marshall: Stop looking at her.
Ted: Uh, look, I got to go. Take a picture.
Barney: Oh, I will. But first, I'm going to makeMarshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant between his wife's tatas.
Marshall: (hitting him) I'll k*ll you!
IN. RESTAURANT
Ted: (hanging up his cellular) Sorry about that.
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
**2002**
Ted: Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?
Jen: I would love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good. 'Cause if you didn't......that would be mighty shellfish.
Jen: Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny!
**2009**
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.
Ted: We've been on this exact blind date before.
Jen: In this exact same restaurant.
Ted: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that blind date went too well.
Jen: Me neither. I remember thinking that you were a little snobby.
Ted: Wait, you... You dressur cats up in weird costumes.
Jen: They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again.
Ted: Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means? Since our first date, we've done a complete lap of all the single people inNew York only to end up back here, with each other.
Jen: Whoa. We're going to die alone, aren't we?
Ted: Well, you've got your cats.
They chuckle.
Jen: This is insane.
Ted: Wait, I got to ask. Why did you think I was snobby?
Jen: Wait... Okay... yeah, we were sitting over there... (showing a table)
**2002**
Ted laughs, reading the menu.
Ted: Main Lobster. They spelled "Maine" without the "e." Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right? Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by...
Jen: I get it, Ted.
**2009**
Jen: Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.
Ted: Huh. I had no idea.
Jen: Okay, well, what about me? Aside from the cats, how did I come across?
Ted: That's right-- the check. The check came and, of course, I was going to pay, but you didn't do the check dance.
**2002**
The waiter brings the check. Ted takes it and Jen don't even look at it.
**2009**
Ted ; Guys want to wave the girl off and, you know, look like a big sh*t.
Jen: Huh. I had no idea.
Ted: This is good. We're learning stuff. You know what we should do? We should retrace the rest of that night and figure out what else we do wrong on first dates. 'Cause let's be honest, we are scaring people off, Jen.
Jen: We really are. Okay, I'm in.
Ted: Great.
Jen: Where'd we go next?
Ted: I think we went to MacLaren's.
Jen: Okay.
They rise up.
Jen: Hey, I didn't really talk about my cats that much, did I?
**2002**
Jen: And then, there's Tabby-gail Adams, the jester of the group.
**2009**
Jen: Tone down the kitty talk. Check.
They leave the restaurant.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: You will not believe who we saw tonight.
Marshall: Dude, um...
Barney: We saw the third doppelganger!
Ted (2030): I should explain. Over the years we had spotted two strangers who looked exactly like
members of our group.
**FLASHBACK**
OUT. STEET
Barney: Hey, hey, hey, hey! (showing a girl who spits on the ground)
Ted (2030): Lesbian Robin.
OUT. OTHER STREET
The group sees a photo in a bus.
Ted (2030): And Moustache Marshall. By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers. But I'll get to that.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Barney: Ladies, meet Stripper Lily. (showing a photo in his cellular)
Lily: Oh!
Barney: Yeah, I couldn't get her face in it. But she looks just like you.
Lily: So you went to a strip club?
Barney: Busted.
Lily: And there was a stripper who looked exactly like me?
Marshall: Okay, babe, look, before you get mad, let me...
Lily: Awesome! I bet the guys were going crazy. Oh, I bet they wanted to touch her so bad. But all you can do is look, unless you go into the back room, but honey, you got to pay for that.
Robin: So... Strip club.
Barney: Marshall made me go.
OUT. STREET
Ted: All right, so what did I do wrong next? Let me have it. I'm here to learn.
Jen: Well, I kept telling you I was cold, but you didn't offer me your jacket.
**2002**
Jen: It's a little brisk out tonight, huh?
Ted: Not really.
Jen: Really? I can't feel my fingers.
Ted: I'm pretty impervious to stuff like that.
**2009**
Ted: I couldn't admit I was cold. I didn't want to seem like a wimp compared to your action hero ex-boyfriend who you wouldn't stop talking about.
**2002**
Jen: After a day of fighting fires, Jim would love to come home and unwind working on his '68 Camaro. That or bare-knuck boxing, which he learned in the Marine Corps.
Ted: I had an aunt in the Coast Guard.
**2002**
Jen: Okay, so no talking about the ex. Not even about his shockingly small wiener?
Ted: See? Why didn't you lead off with that?
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage. I bet stripper me would get in there with another girl and just go bananas.
Barney: See,Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club and both of our ladies are totally cool with it.
Robin: I'm not cool with it.
Barney: Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time.
Robin: It's disgusting.
Barney: Because it's harmless.
Robin: Did one of your whores tell you that?
Barney: And, Lil,Marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble just to have an innocent fantasy.
Lily: Trouble? What trouble?
Marshall: It's, no, it's nothing.
Barney: Marshall, tell her. We're all friends here.
Robin: No, we're not.
Marshall: Lily, Sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. But even when I do, I feel so guilty that I have to imagine you... passing away first, because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. You're... you're just my life, baby. And I love you.
Lily: You k*ll me off?! I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, but could you maybe not m*rder me?!
Marshall: m*rder?! No! I, baby-no. You develop a chronic illness! I spare no expense for your care! I even stand up a foundation in your name. We're, like, this close to a cure.
OUT. STREET
Ted: Remember? (showing the Mc Laren's bar)
Jen: Oh, yeah! I do remember. We went in here for a drink with your friends. Who I loved... Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them.
Ted: You loved them.
Jen: They're family, Ted.
Ted: Let's go in and see what they remember. And they are my best friends, so don't be surprised if they suddenly "can't think" of anything I do wrong.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Robin: Did he juggle? Bad puns? Mmm. Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check
Lily: Oh, let's not forget the menu typo gold mine. Keep pannin' that river, buddy.
Marshall: Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom. Oh!
Jen: Actually you know what it was? I remember him coming across as kind of a player.
Ted: Me?
All the other: Ted?
Jen: Yeah. We were all sitting over there... (showing a table)
**2002**
Jen: And here's a picture of my cats dressed up like Batman villains. You got the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...
Lily: What about Cat Woman?
Jen: Yeah, that would've been good.
Barney: Psst! Ted! (showing a girl with his head)
Ted: (looking at the girl) Nice.
**2009**
Ted: Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no! I remember that. I was not checking out a girl.
**2002**
Barney ; Psst, Ted. (showing a Moustache Marshall with his head)
Ted: Nice.
**2009**
Ted: We were checking out Moustache Marshall.
The other: Ah...
Jen: Gosh, I thought you were such a jerk. I'm so sorry.
Ted: Yeah, well, it's nice to know "past me" wasn't a total jackass, huh?
Jen: "Present you" isn't so bad, either.
OUT. ROOFTOP OF TED'S BUILDING
Jen: Thank you very much.
Ted: You got it.
Jen: Yes. Oh, yeah! I remember this.
**2002**
Ted: ...and there's theChryslerBuilding. And the Empire State Building. And at 12:00, a rotund couple going at it against the glass.
Jen: Aww... That's kind of sweet. Oh, look. Snack break.
Ted: Good for them. Letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love. So, um... I know this wasn't the best
first date of all time, but, uh, I'm glad we stuck it out.
Jen: Me, too.
They kiss.
**2009**
Ted: That was really great. Wh... What went wrong?
Jen: I remember now.
**2002**
Jen: (after the kiss) Wow.
Ted: Yeah. So would you maybe, um... want to go out again?
Jen: Yeah, I, I would. Will you call me?
Ted: Absolutely.
Jen: Promise?
Ted: Promise.
**2009**
Ted: I have been so busy.
Jen: Good night, Ted.
She's leaving when her phone rings.
Jen: Hello?
Ted: Jen, I sorry. Look, I know I'm seven years late with this call, but I was an idiot back then. You saw the goatee. The truth is, I had a great time tonight, and I'd love to see you again.
Jen: Ted, there are two kinds of guys. The guys that you want to call you, who don't; and the guys you don't want to call you, who always do. And somehow, right now, you're both.
IN. MC LAREN's
Lily: Baby... You should be able to fantasize about another woman without feeling guilty, or you know, k*lling me off.
Marhsall: I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long, I'm all confused about death and sex. It's gotten to the pot where every time I drive past a cemetery, I'm sportin' a partial.
Lily: All right, we got to fix this.
IN. STRIP CLUB
Lily: Okay, when Stripper Lily gets out here, you have my permission to fantasize about her. And since she's basically me, maybe you won't feel guilty.
Marshall: Thanks, baby. I'm-I'm so lucky I have you. And stripper you.
Lily: Bring out Stripper Lily!
Barney: (to Robin) You know, I don't come here that much.
Waitress: Hey, Barney. He's the usual and I'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done stretching.
Barney: Thank you, kindly stranger.
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen... Oh, hey, Barney. Didn't see you come in. I'll load up some AC/DC for you, buddy. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for J-J-Jasmine.
Jasmine starts her show.
Lily: I am hot! Oh, crawl for it, stripper me.I is awesome. Baby, can I get another hundred?
Marshall: That was a hundred?
Lily: Wow, she crawls fast.
OUT. ROOFTOP
Ted: Look, Jen, I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 2002 Ted, but that guy's a lost cause. He's 24. He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like John Depp. And he has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on. But I've learned a lot since then. I've learned a lot tonight.
Jen: The only thing that we've learned is that, seven years ago, it was mistake for us to go out. And I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight.
Ted: No, it wasn't. I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago, if you think about it, we didn't miss by that much. If a couple things had gone a little bit differently... who knows what
would have happened?
Ted imagines: She wants to pay the restaurant. He offers her his jacket. They takes pictures with Moustache Marshall. He calls her after their date. They marry.
Jen: Wow.
Marshall: Wow.
STRIP CLUB
Barney: You are the best. My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less.
Robin: I do care, Barney. Look, we're dating now, okay? That changes things. We have to have a serious talk about this.
Barney: Just the best.
Marshall: Hey. Girlfriend trouble? I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife just bought us a private dance with her stripper body double. So if you need me, I'll be getting grinded like some pepper, in theChampagne room.
Barney: Just the best.
OUT. ROOFTOP
Jen: ... now what?
Ted: I just remembered why I didn't call you.
Jen: Why?
Ted: I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again, but, um... I like finding typos in menus.
Jen: What?
Ted: And I know my shellfish pun is stupid but the truth... I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.
Jen: Now that you mention it... I'm never going to stop talking about my cats. They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.
Ted: Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other, seven years from now?
Jen: Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen.
Ted: Well... good luck out there, Jen.
Jen: You too, Ted. You'll find your shellfish lady.
Ted (2030): And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, she did laugh. And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.
IN. STRIP CLUB
Jasmine is on the stage, but is not doing very well. Lily is coming near Marshall.
Marshall: Hey, Lil. Looks like, uh, Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots.
Lily: (smoking and looking weird) What did you say, buddy?
Marshall: Lily?
Lily: Who? Oh, yes... I am this Lily. We married long time. May I have monies for shopping?
Marshall: (going on the stage) Lily!
05x02 - Double Date
Moderators: Cristina Nott, theHappyOrange
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"How I Met Your Mother" follows Ted's searches for the woman of his dreams in New York City, with the help of his four best friends, culminating in eventual happiness with his children's mother.
"How I Met Your Mother" follows Ted's searches for the woman of his dreams in New York City, with the help of his four best friends, culminating in eventual happiness with his children's mother.