Ted (2030): It was the Fall of 2009 and I was a professor now. So I decided to change my look a little bit. And people were noticing.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Barney: Ah, tweed. Textile of the eunuch.
Marshall: You know, I've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches.
Barney: Because the people who wear them are constantly going, "Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?"
Marshall laughs.
Ted: You are wrong. The ladies dig the professor look.
Robin: You know, there is something to that. I remember thinking my tenth grade math teacher was very sexy. I wonder if Harold's still in jail. What? Tax evasion. Among other things.
Lily: So guys, Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples' night.
Robin: Uh, sure. Why not?
Ted (2030): For years, Marshall and Lily had been the only married couple in a group full
of single people. It got lonely, so they were always searching for another couple to double-date. There was only one problem.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL' S HOME
The doorbell rings, they open the door.
Lily: Welcome.
Marshall: (holding a tray)Gouda?
Ted (2030): They sucked at it.
Lily and Marshall, sitting in the sofa, laughs while the other couple is bored.
Lily: This is great. We're having fun. You're having fun, right?
Marshall: So, should we just go ahead and lock the four of us in for new year's?
Guy: Um, it's April.
Marshall: Right. Sorry. We're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's talk Thanksgiving.
Lily: Our parents really want to meet you!
Another day, with another couple who is bored.
Guy: Well, we should probably be going.
Marshall: Wait. But, wait, if you leave now, Colonel mustard just gets away with it.
Woman: It's getting pretty late. We're going to go.
Lily: (blocking their way) There's still pie.
Another day, with another couple who is also bored.
Marshall: Tonight was fantastic. We should do it again.
Man: I'm sorry, Marshall, but Falguni and I are just not that into you. And you.
Ted (2030): But just when Lily and Marshall were about to give up, two of their best friends in the world got together. And hope returned to their hearts.
Lily: (flashback when she saw Robin and Barney kissing) Wohoo!
Ted (2030): So when Lily said...
Lily: Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples' night.
Robin: Um, sure, why not?
Ted (2030): Barney and Robin had no idea what they were about to walk into.
Lily and Marshall are preparing the couples' night.
Lily: Okay. Game time. Let's review the flow of the room. (moving in the room) Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas. That's a great conversation starter. We can tell them about nour trip to Cabo.
Marshall: Great, 'cause I got that story about Sammy Hagar Anthe Belgian waffle locked and loaded.
Lily: Then we'll move on to the hot apps station. And, depending on how things are going, Some lively pre-dinner charades.
Marshall: Right, but, uh, we'll play that one by... (showing his ears)
Lily: Sounds like?
Marshall: Okay, you can be Robin's partner.
The doorbell rings.
Lily: Oh... Baby, we can do this.
They open the door.
Lily: Welcome.
Marshall: Gouda?
Ted (2030): Meanwhile, my half-baked theory that ladies dig the professor look was actually proving to be true.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Girl: So is it hard to grade papers?
Ted: No, you've just got to make it fun. For example, uh, every time I spot a grammatical error, I do a sh*t. I'm trashed right now, and I blame our public school system.
Ted (2030): Sometimes things just seem to magically fall into place.
Girl: So, you said you live right upstairs...
Ted (2030): Whether it's in the dating world...
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL' S HOME
Lily: Take care. Bye.
Robin and Barney leave.
Ted (2030): Or the double-dating world.
Lily: Nailed it!
Marshall: Best night ever!
Barney: (in the corridor) Worst night ever.
Robin imitates a g*nsh*t.
***GENERIC
IN. TED' S APARTMENT
Ted: Hey, how was the big couples' night with Marshall and Lily?
Robin: Brutal.
Ted: Really? How?
Barney: It was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call.
Robin: And they were so nervous, that they weren't even making sense half of the time.
IN. MARSHALL AND LILY'S HOME
Robin and Barney just arrived for the couples' night.
Lily: Hey. Come on in. Would you like a margarita?
Marshall: In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating a Belgian waffle!
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Barney: And they kept shoving platters of food in our faces.
Ted: Let me guess: Did Marshall get, like, super intense about the cheese?
Robin: Yeah, how'd you know?
Ted: Poor Marshall., Lily's this gourmet cook, and all she letsMarshall do ss pick out one sad block of cheese.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Lily: That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.
Marshall: You guys are going to want to get in on thisgouda.
Lily: That's seared scallops with a mango chutney.
Marshall: Seriously, don't sleep on thegouda.
Lily: And that's Lobster ravioli in a black truffle oil.
Marshall: Ooh...Tick-tock goes thegouda clock.
Barney: Um, we-we-we didn't realize there was gonna be dinner. We sucked down a couple tacos outside the subway.
Robin: P.S., not sitting great.
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Barney: And if anything didn't go according to plan, they would freak out.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Marshall is trying to run the egg timer.
Lily: What do you mean, the egg timer is broken? What are we going to use for charades, sweetie?
Marshall: I'm working on it, darling. Okay? Just stall them.
Lily: Now, Robin... You work in television. We're experiencing some technical difficulties. ( she laughs): You get that? We're still laughing. Right? Laugh,Marshall.
Lily and Marshall laugh.
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted: Come on, they just got excited. They've been looking for couple best friends forever. Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad.
Robin: Show him.
Barney: This is a web siteMarshall already made about last night. (he takes a computer) It's called itwasthebestnightever.com.
**MARSHALL'S VIDEO**
Marshall sings while scrolling pictures of that evening.
Marshall (voice): It was the best night ever laughter raining down like April showers oh, we talked for hours... best night ever...
Ted: oh, that's not good.
Marshall (always singing in the video): Then we played charades. Lily made some creme brulee, lay-lay-lay-lay and now that we're best couple friends there's only one thing left to say... are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free next Saturday? That's the 17th.are you free? Friday or Sunday would also work. Or basically any other day.
**END**
Barney: Needless to say, we've both changed our e-mail addresses.
Ted: I don't understand. If last night went so horribly, why do Lily and Marshall think it was such a hit?
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S APARTMENT
This is the end of the evening, Barney and Robin are about to leave.
Barney: I mean, we knew we were gonna have fun tonight, but we had no idea how much.
Marshall: Oh.
Robin: Yeah, tough luck, every Saturday night I've ever had, 'cause this one just blew you out of the water.
Barney: Let's do it again, soon.
Robin: Yeah, we'll call you.
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted: They're your friends! Why would you just blatantly lie to them like that?
Robin: Well, that's what you say at the end of a crappy date.
A girl go out from Ted's bathroom.
Girl: Hey, Ted. Great time last night. Well, let's do it again, soon. I'll...uh, call you.
She goes out of the apartment.
Ted: Right?
Robin: Who was that?
Ted: Oh, I don't want to brag, But it seems chicks are really digging the whole professor thing. Last night, she picked me up at the bar. And then... Well, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch. But, hey, that happens.
Barney: Uh, no, it doesn't.
Ted: Sure, it does. You know, she was, she was just exhausted from being turned on. But you heard her. She wants to do it again, soon.
Barney: Ted, let me ask you a question. Where does this girl live, exactly?
Ted: Westchester. Why?
Barney: (he laughs) You're the sexless innkeeper.
Robin: Oh, my god! You're right! He's totally the sexless innkeeper!
Ted: What the hell is "the sexless innkeeper"?
Barney: Ted, many a man--nay, many a soul--has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?
Ted: Not really.
Barney: T'was the night before new year's, and the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, And I was stranded in queens. (2008, the whole story of Barney is illustrated with images) The tavern grew empty, the gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...
Ted: Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?
Barney: Ted, it's a poem. Last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth.I asked, "where do you live?"And she said, "one block south.". I swallowed my pride and six sh*ts of whiskey. And prayed to the gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did cr*ck. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper. And thus she became the sexless innkeeper. And so are you
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw the tweed jacket
which basically says you're not interested in, nor probably even capable of, having sex. And she thought, "hey, free lodging."
Ted: No way.
Barney: I'm not the sexless innkeeper. Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turndown service. Oh!
Robin and Barney laugh and clap their hands.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Hey, guys. Good news. First of all, you can ignore all the e-mails and texts we've sent you.
Robin: We have. Go on.
Lily: Because we went ahead and booked that couples' weekend for all of us inVermont!
Robin: Wait, you guys were serious about that?
Marshall: Oh, we never joke about b&b's, especially at the height of syrup season.
Lily: Check it out. Saturday we've got apple-picking, antiquing, then a hated hay ride.
Marshall: And then on Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m. for the fall foliage hike. Now, you better pack your long johns, 'cause it is cold up there.
Barney: Look! I'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls, but we respect you guys too much as friends to give you some song and dance. You deserve the truth. (he sighs) The US Navy has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean. For reasons I can't explain, Robin and I have been tapped to lead the expedition.
Lily: Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like the stuff you say to girls when you're too much of a coward to dump them.
Marshall: Yeah. You know, that's exactly what it sounds like. But if that's true, that's awesome.
Lily: What's going on?
Robin: Look, all the couple-y stuff, it's just not us. Barney and I are barely equipped to date each other, let alone you guys.
Barney: Plus, the alien thing.
Lily: Come on,Marshall.
Marshall: Let's go.
Robin: No...Lily...
Marshall: You know what? I hope those underwater aliens are cold-blooded. 'cause then you guys will get along just fine.
Lily and Marshall leave.
Barney: I think they bought it.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S APARTMENT
They are both on the couch with a blanket, eating ice.
Marshall: I can't believe they broke up with us.
Lily: We're so lovable.
Marshall: No, we're not. We're ugly and gross.
Lily: I thought we did everything right.
Marshall: I know! I know. We had thegouda. We had my waffle story. I even sent them a awesome photo montage. Nothing.
Lily: Oh, dear god.Marshall, we've been over and over this. You have to stop sending those to people.
Ted (2030): It was true.Marshall had become addicted to creating songs and photo montages documenting various mundane events. So for months, all of Marshall's friends and professional colleagues were getting e-mails like this...
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted is watching videos in his computer. Every song in the videos is singing by Marshall and illustrated by photos of the event.
Marshall (singing on the video): ordered Chinese food today some moo shu pork sauce got away flipped the cushion, now everything's okay.
Another video.
Marshall: Cat-sitting for Lily's mom, cat-sitting for Lily's mom, it's gonna be fun, it's gonna bring us all closer together. (in the video,Marshall let the cats going out by the window)
Another video.
Marshall: Cat funeral, cat funeral, it was an accident and not entirely my fault, cat funeral, meow, meow, meow, meow, ca funeral, meow, meow, meow, meow. We'll miss you, whiskers, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Lily: I can't believe you sent them one of those. They think we're insane now.
Marshall: If I recall, they didn't dump us until you brought up thatVermont trip. It was way too early. First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip toVermont. It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that.
Lily: Oh, what about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades? I gave you one thing to do,Marshall. One thing.
Marshall: One thing? (Lily nods) One thing? Wow. Really? So, I guess that gouda Just walked itself right through the door...Sliced itself up, and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle around not three, not four... But five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?
Lily: You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cr*cker!
IN. MC LAREN'S
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, But don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends. You got to go apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted, as an innkeeper. Do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Usually, it just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right.
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: All that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For god's sake!
He leaves.
Barney: Mint on the pillow, Ted! And don't charge for wi-fi. It seems greedy! It does.
Barney and Robin laugh.
Ted (2030): But eventually, even Barney and Robin had to admit they owed Lily and Marshall an apology.
IN. LILY AND MARSHALL'S HOME
Lily opens the door.
Robin: Hey. We wanted to say we're sorry.
Lily: Oh. I wish you had called.
Marshall: (to a couple, inside the apartment) I swear, he was right there just eating a Belgian waffle!
They laugh.
Guy: Well, he can't have enjoyed it as much as I'm enjoying thisgouda!
Marshall: Oh!
Lily: Um, listen, now's not a good time. We'll call you.
Robin: Wait. We just want...
But Lily closes the door.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Marshall: Hey! Hey, guys.
Barney: Hey. Long time no see. Have a seat.
Lily: Oh, we can't. We're here with Py and Shea.
Marshall: Yeah, sorry.
Robin: Oh, it's just... We haven't seen you guys all week.
Barney: Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out.
Robin: Yeah.
Lily: Oh, it might be weird. We're kind of on a double date. Wouldn't want you to feel like a fifth and sixth wheel.
Barney: Who the hell are these people?
Lily: They just moved here fromHawaii. Py is a total foodie
Marshall: Mmm!
Lily: And Shea, well... She's...
Marshall: Shea...Shea is just...
They both laugh and sigh contentedly.
Lily: Anyhoo, we can't stay long. We're just gonna grab a quick beer and then take these kooks for a boat ride around the city.
Robin: Wow, it sounds like this is getting pretty serious.
Marshall: Well, we don't want to jinx it, but, uh... We kind of think they might be the two. (he touches the table) Ooh.
They both join their friends, letting Robin and Barney alone.
Robin: Pfft, who needs 'em?
Barney: Pfft. Not us.
They hear laughter and then show a sad face.
OUT. STREET
Barney and Robin are walking sadly in the street. We can hear a song:
* Livin' alone, we think of all the friends we've known but when we dial the telephone, nobody's home *
They enter in a restaurant.
Robin: Hi. Two for dinner.
Woman: Just the two of you?
IN. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
They go home, and eat ice cream sadly on the sofa.
* All by ourselves, don't want to be all by ourselves anymore, all by ourselves... *
Barney: Hey, why don't we call that weird couple down the hall from you? You know, with the ferrets? Maybe they want to come over and play taboo.
Robin: After midnight? No way. We can't tabooty-call them, it's pathetic.
Ted comes in the apartment
Ted: Hey, guys.
They groan.
Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe. But they're Armani.
Ted: Okay, guys, I've got some bad news for you. So I'm just going to come out and say it. You're a couple. And no matter how hard you try to fight it, couples need other couples. That's why you miss Marshall and Lily. And can't you just admit that?
IN. MARSHALL AND LILY'S HOME
Marshall, Lily and their two friends are playing Twister.
Marshall: Oh, yeah!
Girl: That was amazing, Lily!
Lily: I know! When I got that left-hand- yellow, I was like, "what?!"
Guy: You guys are the best.
Marshall: Oh, right back at you!
Someone knock at the door. Lily opens and there is just an egg timer. It dings. Lily and Marshall goes in the hall and find another egg timer. It dings. They continue until the building door. They open it and, outside, under the rain, there are Robin and Marshall who carry another egg timer.
Robin and Barney: Ding.
Marshall and Lily join them.
Robin: For charades.
Lily: How do we know you two won't hurt us again?
Robin: You don't.
Marshall: You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment Who are perfect for us.
Barney: Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?
Lily: Damn it. Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy... And girl?
Marshall: I think we can change them.
Lily: Come here, you two.
They sob.
Barney: We'll never sleep on thegouda again.
* all by ourselves... *
IN. TED'S APARTMENT
Ted: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney: No, not really.
Ted: 'twas the night before, I had hours to k*ll. (the whole story is illustrated with images) I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney: With quill?
Ted: Barney. It's a poem. A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned."I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.
Barney: No way. You made that up.
A girl appears from Ted's room.
Girl: Are you coming back bed, professor?
Barney: Whew!
Ted: God, I love being single.
Robin appears from her room.
Robin: Barney, you ready for brunch with Lily and Marshall?
Marshall: (worried) What have I done?
05x04 - The Sexless Innkeeper
Moderators: Cristina Nott, theHappyOrange
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
"How I Met Your Mother" follows Ted's searches for the woman of his dreams in New York City, with the help of his four best friends, culminating in eventual happiness with his children's mother.
"How I Met Your Mother" follows Ted's searches for the woman of his dreams in New York City, with the help of his four best friends, culminating in eventual happiness with his children's mother.