03x06 - I'm Not That Guy

[bunniefuu]

[Title: The Year 2007]

Narrator: It was a quiet november afternoon in 2007.

[The Apartment - Ted]

Narrator: I was working from home, because, you know, no distractions.

(Baney get into the apartment, and Marshall get out of his bedroom, at the same time)

Barney: This is incredible!

Marshall: (At the same time) Oh my God! I can't believe it!

Barney: I have big news!

Marshall: (At the same time) Oh my God!

Barney: Okay. My thing's pretty huge. But fine, you can go first.

Marshall: Okay, I just found out...

Barney: I just find a p*rn starring Ted Mosby!

Ted: What are you... What you're talking about?

Barney: I'm talking about welcome to the sex plane, and look who plays the navigator, Ted Mosby (He shows a p*rn dvd)

Ted: Oh, it's the same exact spelling as my name.

Marshall: Okay, you know, cute coincidence, Barney. Whatever. I just got on the phone with the NR...

Ted: Oh my God. This totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day.

[Flashback - At the doctor's - Ted/Ted doctor's]The doctor: Open wide. I guess you're more used to saying that hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby?

[End Flashback]Ted: Who is this guy? And why my doctor watching p*rn?

Barney: All right. Let's meet your new doppelganger. Or should I say doppel banger.

Marshall: Guys, guys, guys! Can I tell my news? It's pretty...

Ted: This is really bizarre. The only other famous Mosby I know was a confederate general during the civil w*r.

Barney: Probably not the same guy.

Marshall (yelling): I got the job at the NRDC.

Ted: You got the job! Oh, yeah!

[Pictures and vid of the Environment]

Narrator: The NRDC, or natural ressources defense council, fought for preserve american clean water, fresh air and to preserve's america's wilderness. It was Marshall's dream job.

[The Apartment - Ted/Marshall/Barney - He watchs "Welcome to the sex place" a p*rn]

Ted: Congrats, buddy.

Marshall: Thanks. It's kind of weird hugging with p*rn on.

Ted: Yeah, it really is.

Barney: Oh, hey, hey-o. New guy entering the cockpit. Could it be the navigator, Ted Mosby.

Ted: Uh, no. No, navigators have three stripes on their hats. Captains have four. That guy's a captain.

Barney: Yeah, and I'm sure complete accuracy in all those details was very important to the directors... "Dirt and skank, the raunch brothers".

(Lily and Robin come in)

Marshall: Baby, I have some exciting news.

Lily: I hope it's not that you just won some sort of race here.

Marshall: I got the job at the NRDC.

Lily: Wow.

Barney: And I found a p*rn starring Ted Mosby.

Lily (to Marshall): Oh my God, that's amazing!

Barney: I know, right?

Robin: Oh, congratulations, Marshall!

Barney: Congratulation for us all.

Lily: Oh, let's go celebrate.

Barney: The fact that I found a p*rn starring a guy named Ted Mosby... Let's do it!

Robin: Oh, is that him? Cause that Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing.

Ted: No, that's not him. What do you mean, "that" Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing?

Robin: Oh, no! No, I meant, that Ted Mosby, he really knows what he's doing. Like all Ted Mosbys. (to Marshall) Wow, NRDC! Way to go, Marshall.

Lily: But you're still gonna go to your job interview today, right, baby?

Narrator: Marshall had an interview (Picture of a building) at a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West. (Video of a factory unit) They represented, well, pretty much everybody Marshall was going to sue (Video of a tree in the process of uproot) once he started at the NRDC.

(The Apartment)

Marshall: I'm not doing that interview. Those people are evil.

Lily: Marshall, your dad went through a lot of trouble to set this up. You can't just pull out at the last second.

Robin: Apparently you can.

Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat! Three stripes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ted Mosby, p*rn star.

Robin: I know what kind of plane this is. It's a "boing".

Barney: See, this is way better than Marshall's intership.

Marshall: It's a real job.

Ted: Who is this guy? Are we related? Do, do I look like him?

Marshall: Hmm. It's hard to tell. Go, go like this.

All: Oh yeah. A little bit. Yeah.

Barney: More around the eyes.

Robin: Oh, I do see that.

["How I Met Your Mother", credits]

[The Bar - Lily/Barney/Robin/Ted]

Wendy: And here's you water, in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby.

Ted: Ah, ah, very funny, Wendy. Now we know you watch p*rn. (She leaves) This Ted Mosby must be getting kind of famous.

Barney: Hmm. You're not wrong. (He looks on his phone) According to the web site, of the far superior Ted Mosby... he's been in the business three months, and he's made 125 movies.

Robin: Wow. That's 42 movies a month. Who is he, Jude Law? Right? He makes a lot of movies. I mean, not so much lately, but maybe, like, two years ago, you couldn't go to a movie without...

Ted: Shh.

Barney Oh, hey, look, check it out. Ted Mosby did an interview in Adult Video Weekly.

Ted: Adult Video Weekly? Oh, no...

[Flashback - The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Marshall]

(The phone ring. Ted pick up the phone)

Ted: Hello?

Leonard: Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby. It's Leonard Ross from AVW.

Ted: Oh my God! (To Marshall and Lily) AVW? It's architecture vision weekly.

(To Leonard) Wow. I've been reading your magazine since I was a little kid.

Leonard: Well, that's a bummer. Anyway, I'm calling to interview you about your latest project.

Ted: Well, I don't want to say it's my project. I mean, I'll be working with at least three partners.

Leonard: Oh! Group scene. Always fun.

Ted: Yeah. Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I mean, I know they're gonna ride me pretty hard but they're great guys.

Leonard: Guys? Oh, wouah, there's a scoop.

[End Flashback]

Ted: That interview went on for 20 more minutes.

Lily: "This project was so demanding, I can't tell you how many nights I spent bent over a table."

(Marshall comes in)

Lily: Oh, hey, baby, how'd the interview go?

Marshall: Um, interesting. There I am in the office of Jefferson Coatsworth and I figure I'm not gonna take this job anyway, I might as well give this old bastard a piece of mind. Jefferson Coastworth wasn't what I expected.

[Flashback - Jefferson Coastworth's office - Marshall/Jefferson]

Jefferson: Marshall, Jefferson Coastworth.

Marshall: Hello.

Jefferson: Dude, I am so, so psyched that you're here. Can I beer ya?

Narrator: Marshall was thrown. This guy seemed nice. Of course, he wasn't.

[Title: Three Years Later]

(Jefferson go out of a tribunal. A lot of media and photographer are here)

Jefferson: Go to hell! I'd do it again! (To the media) I'm innocent. I'm innoncent.

[Jefferson Coastworth's office - Marshall/Jefferson]

Jefferson: Marshall, why don't you want to work at Nicholson, Hewitt and West?

Marshall: Right, um, okay, Jeff, I've actually given this a lot of thought...

Jeff: I'm sorry. Stop. I can't do this with a straight face. You don't want to work here. You're only here 'cause your dad went to high school with Joe Hewitt. Fact is, you just got a sweet job at the NRDC. And it's awesome. Man, I could have gone the non-profit route. I didn't. And it eats me up inside every day. I hate myself. I hate myself.

[End Flashback]

[The Bar - All]

Barney: Oh, he is good. Classic seduction technique.

Marshall: What do you mean?

Barney: Oh, I use it all the time. First I buy her... and by her I mean you... a drink. Now, I'm the guy who gets her what she wants. Then I pretend to care about whatever idiotic thing she cares about. For you, that would be the enviroment. Now, I'm the great guy who shares her interests. And before you know it, you're naked in my apartment, shouting "oh-oh Bar-r-r-ne-e-y"! And by you, I mean her.

Marshall: He is not trying to seduce me. He didn't even offer me the job.

Barney: That comes later. At dinner. He did invite you to dinner, didn't he?

[Flashback - Jefferson Coastworth's office - Marshall/Jeff]

Jeff: Let me buy you a dinner. Tomorrow night. As a thank you, okay? You'll tell me all about the NRDC, and we'll charge it all to one of my evil clients.

Marshall: I, you know, I don't know if...

Jeff: Marshall, you know what kobe beef is?

Marshall: The most expensive beef in the world.

Jeff: The place I'm taking you has kobe lobster. That is lobster fed with kobe beef.

[End flashback]

[The Bar - All]

Marshall: Oh my God. He's trying to seduce me.

Robin: So are you gonna go to dinner with him?

Marshall: No. No way. I promise myself to the NRDC. I'm not that kind of lawyer.

Lily: Oh, you should go. I mean, you're not gonna take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.

Barney: Don't wait up.

Robin: Guys, guys, guys, check this out. Ted Mosby p*rn star's bio says his hometown is your hometown. Shaker Heights, Ohio.

Ted: What? Okay, this is getting creepy. Who, who is this guy? I gotta find him.

Robin: Well, it's your lucky day. He's gonna be signing autographs tomorrow night in Manhattan at something called the Adult Video Expo.

Lily: Hmm. Wait, are you telling me that they actually have conventions for p*rn?

Barney: Affirmative. Or to put in another way... God bless America.

[At the Restaurant - Marshall/Jeff]

Marshall: You can really taste the beef in that lobster.

Jeff: Right, listen, I know we're only here to screw over my client, who quite frankly deserves it... hum, but I gotta be able to tell the guys upstairs I gave you the spiel, okay? So, first up, starting salary. (He gives him a paper).

Marshall: Okay. Here we go. This is the big number that's supposed to impress me and... (He looks at the paper) whoa, that's a BIG number.

Jeff:There's also a signing bonus, uh, use of a company car, expense account, blah, blah, blah. Hey, by the way, turn around and wave to Patrick Swayze.

Marshall: Hey, I'm going to, uh, try to remain cool. But you know Patrick Swayze?!

Jeff: He's a client. Who do you think bought us this wine? (To Patrick) Crazy, Swayze. Cheers, buddy.

Marshall: Okay, no. Jeff, this is all very impressive, but I just don't think that...

Jeff: Listen, I know, I know. You are not gonna be tempted by big numbers and fancy perks. You're gonna do the noble thing, take the low-paying job at the NRDC, live off you family money.

Marshall: Family money?

Jeff: You do have family money, don't you?

Marshall: No, hum, not that I know of. I do have an uncle who owns a, a pretty successful bait shop.

Jeff: NRDC. No family money. Hum. So you don't plane on having kids?

Marshall: Actually, I want to have four kids.

Jeff: Well. New York public school make a lot of parents nervous, but the kids who walk out, walk out proud.

Narrator: He was surely doing a tough decision. Now, kids, when I'm faced with a tough decision, I like to make a list of pros and cons. Marshall knew all cons. (We see the list. Pros: Money, Security, Swayze. Cons: Evil.) But there is one thing he didn't know, a big guy live in a pros con.

[The Apartment - Robin/Lily]

Robin: Lily, you're a kindergarten teacher?

Lily: Yeah.

Narrator: Cause Robin was about to ask Lily the one question...

Robin: And you make a kindergarten teacher's salary, right?

Lily: Yeah.

Narrator: That Lily had been dreading for years.

Robin: Well, how do you afford all of these expensive clothes?

Lily: I shop the sales. There were in the closet when we moved in. I steal. I'm a criminal. I once sh*t a man just to watch him die.

Robin: Lily?

Lily: Oh, okay.

Narrator: That's when Lily showed Robin her box of shame.