05x14 - Perfect Week

[bunniefuu]

Ted (2030): There are ways to relieve stress.

Woman: You'll have a few minutes, Mr. Stinson.

Ted (2030): Many people bite their nails. Others tap their feet.And others imagine themselves to be interviewed by renowned sports commentator Jim Nantz.

Jim: Hi friends, any sport has had its icon, which it excels. Ali was boxing, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with bombs snuff chance, my next guest, Mr Barney Stinson.Barney, welcome.

Barney: Thank you, Jim. I'm glad to be back on the show.

Jim: It's good to have you. And you know, the statistics, they really speak for themselves. Over 200 women spread over 6 continents, 17 countries, 74 sexual positions, and not a single bead. Impressive. But even with all these successes, there has always been an escape for you. Which brings us back to last week. Tell us about our history.

Barney: Hold on, Jimbo, it is extraordinary.

First night... Barney, Ted, Lily and Marshall are at McLaren's.

Barney: It all started when I decided to start a small challenge.

Marshall: Oh my God. Wow.

Ted: He decides his victim.

Barney: Whatever the girl I'm trying to point is that I go with her tonight. And... they're off!

Barney gets up and goes to see a girl at the counter.

Marshall: Hi!

Robin: Hi!

Lily: How did it go with Dale?

Robin: You know, sometimes, the guy with thick glasses and a t-shirt of the Smurfs, it's just a cliche. And sometimes it is a moron with a squint and a platonic relationship with Gargamel.

Lily: Robin, this is not because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character for your first date it can not be your future.

Marshall: The Yeti is not fictitious.

Ted, from seeing Barney: That was fast.

Jim: So, the first night was pretty normal.

Barney: Jim, there is nothing in my usual way to pack.

Jim: Respect. Which brings us to the second night.

Second night...

Barney: That brings us to the second night. You see the b*mb that pampers its Black Russian (Vodka and coffee liqueur)? She left to exchange it with a White American. Enter me five! You know... If you're not careful, you'll lose me.

Robin: Guys, when Dale called for a second hot date, what do I tell her?

Marshall: How do you know he'll call?

Robin: How cute, Marshall. But I think mom knows when she was a hit. I mean, he could not help but look at me.

Ted: And well, do not push too. People can be fragile. And sometimes, without even trying, you can tear someone's heart, and crush it in front of a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant.

Lily: How it happened at school today, Ted?

Ted: Something bad happened. This was the first course of the semester...

Flashback

Ted: Jamie Adamic. Salvation. Brian Glow-atz. Glau-atz?Salvation. Well done. Add a false name on the call sheet, very original guys. You know, I expected a little maturity, coming from students like you, and frankly, more creative. I mean, seriously, what kind of fake name is Jen Coulin?

Student: Present.

Ted: Come on guys, you would have at least been able to make it sound right. Jen Coulin?

Student: Present.

Ted: What happened to classic? Sat Troulcu, Ted and Bill Oukoi, Maby Stoukette, Roland Cule, that's false names, but Jen Coulin?

Student: Here.

Ted: Jen Coulin!

Student: It's just there.

End flashback

Lily, Marshall and Robin laugh at Ted.

Ted: Come on, I wait, swing all your jokes about Jen Coulin.

Lily: We will not make jokes, Ted. I mean, this girl must really be in the hole.

Marshall: You really soiled the name of Jen Coulin.

Ted: Have you finished?

Robin: You asked him if she had reached the right exit?

Lily: Wow, two in a row, Barney is thoroughly.

Barney leaves the bar together.

Robin: This is a lucky girl, Barney was my best sh*t.

Ted: And this is the best friend I ever had.

Lily: It is everything I love that Marshall either.

Marshall: It's all I want to be.

Barney: I guess that's just what they said when I was gone.

Jim: I believe it. You are awesome. Now, night 3. Describe it to us.

Barney: Jim, I can tell you that I was gone, so I wanted a little spice.

Third night...

Barney: I think I'll take small tits tonight.

Lily: You're yucky.

Barney: Lily, it's people too.

Wendy: That's your burgers.

Marshall: thank you.

Lily: Thank you.

Ted: You share it? Your share forever.

Lily: Of course not!

Marshall: There is no such Bizarros who share everything.

Robin: Of course I do.

Ted: That's exactly what you are.

Lily: It is perfectly normal.

Robin: What's happening guys?

Marshall: You know, Lily and I was looking for a new couple of friends since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella and Ted and Robin, and Ted... Ted and Victoria, when do you arrive to keep one?

Ted: How we came up with that?

Lily: It was a great day out at 4 it was cool, we were relaxed, it was not freaked out.

Marshall: And there, a tiny detail has surfaced, and it ruined the whole evening.

Flashback

Man:... and the toothbrush Joanna is ejected from the sink, facing the ceiling, and falls straight down the toilet.

Marshall: It's crazy that last week, it happened the same with our toothbrushes.

Woman: Our toothbrush?

End flashback

Ted: Our toothbrush?

Jim: Our toothbrush?

Flashback

Lily: Yeah.

Male: As in, a toothbrush?

End flashback

Robin: As in, a toothbrush? You use both?

Jim: Every day?

Flashback

Lily: That's weird?

End flashback

All Super Bizarre.

Ted: Marshall, 4 of 5 dentists have just vomited on.

Robin: Hey, look, Barney has yet fallen one.

Lily: Wow. 3 girls in 3 nights. This is gross, even from Barney.

Ted: Yuck? Are you kidding? There is no one left to do...

Marshall: Do not tell! You're going to jinx him!

Lily: Wear what bad luck?

Barney: I had left to do... flawless.

GENERIC

Barney: It was faultless. 7 nights, 7 girls, 0 rejection.

Jim: Awesome. I mean, it's the equivalent of sexual perfect game in baseball, in even harder.

Barney: Yeah. The only player in history to have accomplished both Pete was Drexell 'The mustache' in 1896.

Jim: It was not the first time you were about to accomplish. So you knew that one mistake, and we reach the end. Sometimes a teammate makes a mistake. Sometimes a minefield...

Barney: You and me in the closet of the Spanish supermarket next door.

Jim:... takes you straight into the wall. And sometimes you spread yourself. And it almost always ends badly. But this week, you were to 3 of 3, and no sign of abating.

Barney: I can even say, without a fault. I'd love to say the same of my friends.

Fourth night...

Ted: Jen has not come into being today.

Marshall: Excuse me, Jen?

Robin: Yeah, Ted, we know tons of people who call Jen.

Marshall: Yeah.

Ted: Jen Coulin.

Robin: Oh, you're there. The dreaded call from Dale. Oh, that's my mother. She has big health problems. But why does he not call?

Lily: Wait a second. Want it called?

Robin: No! Shut up! You have not a kind of toothbrush to share or something like that?

Ted: Yeah. When did you start doing that too?

Marshall: It's been years! You had to know, you lived with us.

Ted: Yeah, but you always keep your toothbrush in the bathroom, which is, incidentally, also weird.

Lily: We kept her in the bathroom.

Ted: No, there was a toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine.

Robin: Wait. Are you saying that for 8 years, you have shared a toothbrush every 3?

Marshall: Oh my god!

Ted: Finish me!

Robin: I'm having so much!

Barney comes in with a woman.

Jim: So you're at four, he'll just make a 5 to 7.

Barney: Well done, Jim.

Jim: Hey, I try. I'm not you. It was then comes the night No 5, and trouble with.

Fifth night...

Ted: Beer! Salvation.

Marshall: Hi. How is Barney?

Ted: Like a charm. As all week.

Marshall: Yeah? Hard to believe.

Ted: Why?

Marshall: Apparently, this big merger last week went wrong, and Barney wears the hat.

Lily: Oh, it's weird. He said nothing.

Marshall: Even I who works with him, I just learned this afternoon when I walked past the office of his boss.

Flashback

Marshall is in front of the boss's office where Barney is lecturing.

Pattern:... what it has cost this company, Stinson?!

Marshall: I never thought about Barney so scared.

End flashback

Marshall: I think he'll get fired.

Ted: I can not believe that Barney is going to get fired.

Marshall: Yeah, they have a meeting Friday to see if he keeps his job or not.

Robin: Poor guy. It must pinball.

Lily: I'll go talk to him.

Ted: No! You can not distract a man who is right... you know what.

Lily: Come on, it's his career. This is much more important than a stupid without...

Marshall: Ahh! Okay. You can lick my hand all you want, I will not let you ruin... Ouch!

Lily: It must go talk to him.

Ted: I'm going. He needs a brother. Hey buddy.

Barney: Hey!

Ted: Is everything okay?

Barney: Absolutely. A background. It could not get better. I make fun of that? I need you.

Ted: Anything you want. What's the matter?

Barney: Which of these girls look the most stupid?

Ted: Let's see it. Already heated to perfection? The smashed out? Ok I will deal for Big Mac.

Barney: Thank you, Skip.

Lily: So what did he say?

Ted: What? Oh, it will try with the girl holding the burger there.

Lily: You were supposed to talk about his loss of job.

Ted: Lily, why is that force him to face a problem that can not adjust will help?

Lily: And why ignore it will fix things?

Ted: You're much ignored the problems of dental hygiene for a dozen years. And yet you seem to...

Lily: Jen Coulin!

Robin: Jen Coulin.

Ted: Dale you called?

Robin: Why do you...

Marshall: Guys, guys, look!

Barney leaves the bar once again on the arm of a young woman.

Jim: Barney, I will interrupt you one second, I must ask you something. Have you ever taken Viagra?

Barney: No, sir. I like to play by the rules. While I can not say I did not propose to.

Flashback

Barney is at Lily and Marshall.

Marshall: It was pretty awesome. You should try it. I still have a few.

Barney: No thank you.

Marshall: You sure? Ok, do as you like. What time is it?

Barney: It's 8:00.

Marshall: 8:00? I have to go to hospital.

End flashback

Barney: I've never touched. I can pee in a jar if you like, Jim Nantz.

Jim: Barney, I trust you. I miss you even ask the question. Let's talk about the night 6. Two girls prepared to perfection.

Sixth night...

Ted:... seriously guys.

Barney joined Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin's apartment.

Marshall: Hey!

Ted: Hey, what are you doing here? Returns to the bar!

Barney: Ted, relax. I am already 6 of 6.

Ted: Really?

Barney: Yeah. I ate at the Tavern of vegetables, I started talking to the Swedish Top Model, and the next moment we batifolait in the back of a carriage. Go my beautiful, Hue!

Ted: Great. What really happened?

Barney: I ate at the "Staten Island Chili's," and I jumped a hairdresser completely stuffed. Are you happy, Ulysses?

Lily: Barney, we know that you are going you may get fired. Wait, you ought to speak. You turn away from reality, kissing unnecessarily on all sides.

Barney: No vain, ok? Between number 5 and I, there was a connection. She will resume her studies, she has a child or who is studying... something with "studies".

Ted: Now my students have taught me that Jen Coulin abandon my material.

Marshall: Oh, my God, you've really pushed to the limit.

Robin: It scales all his education in the toilet.

Ted: News from Dale?

Robin: It's only been five days, he will call!

Marshall: What do you care? You said it was a big con.

Robin: Tell Dale not like that, ok? It is twice as good as you never will!

Lily: God forbid, if you manage to find a job, sell your apartment.Marshall and I, we have a free room. You can stay as long as you want.

Robin: Forget not you bring your toothbrush.

Ted: Lily, what are you doing?

Lily: I talk to my friend who is going through a difficult period.

Marshall: He's doing very well.

Lily: Try to sleep with seven women in seven nights, that's not what I would call "very well get out." It is a cry for help.

Ted: His whole life is a call for help. But we do not mess with a man who is in the midst of a no...

Lily: What? Without fault? Flawless, faultless, flawless! Grow up a little!

Barney takes his jacket and leaves.

Jim: Unbelievable. You know, there are two things that do not.First: you do not open an email from Phil Simms to your children.And second: you do not wear bad luck to a man on track to flawless.

Barney: I do not know what to tell you, Lily is always trying to ruin me any.

Jim: I think she cracked a bit for the Barnacle.

Barney: You have the eye to notice such details, Jim Nantz.

Seventh night... In McLaren's.

Ted: I can not believe that thou hast brought him bad luck.

Marshall: He has no chance.

Lily: Ok, I have a question. If I ruined everything, why is it that Barney is in the process of hanging the girl three martinis in there?

Ted: Oh, my God!

Marshall: There's going to happen!

Lily: Yeah, you know? Doors-jinx, it does not exist.

Jim: Do not tell me that she dared to say "The door-jinx, it does not exist."

Barney: I wish I had power.

Jim: You were about to achieve something so beautiful.

Barney: Well, thank you to her, the only thing that can prevent a stroke insured was about to walk out the door. A member of the New York Yankees World Champions in 2009.

Marshall: Lily, I'll buy my own toothbrush.

Ted: Well, that's it. Barney's still got to 6.

Robin: What? Why? Because the guy with the weird cut went back?

Marshall: This is Nick Swisher. It is part of the New York Yankees. No regular guy from New York can not compete with a Yankee.

Ted: And this is true for a former Yankee. When I arrived here, I was the fourth date with a girl I loved a lot before I do the fly by Phil Rizzuto.

Marshall: I was there. Damn, this guy could play.

Robin: I'm still not.

Lily: Ok, let me do it the Canadian So how do you react if one of those guys with skates and sticks came back here?

Robin: Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks came here, I fall on my ass so that there would be a hole halfway to China in the soil.

Ted: It's the same thing for the Yankees.

Robin: Oh, Barney's done.

Marshall: It's happening, look.

Barney: You wanna come to my house and watch the collection of snowballs?

Marshall: A collection of snow globes?

Ted: He is pinball.

Woman: It's Nick Swisher!

Overall: Nice try.

Ted: It was well played, well played, well played.

Barney: But not play well enough. All this week was a waste of time. And tomorrow I'm getting fired.

Marshall: I'm sorry. But for what it's worth, this week was not a waste of time. We all had a horrible week, and you have helped us change a little air.

Ted: Yeah, I got my first drop.

Robin: I met my soul mate, and he never called back. Well, not yet. He will. He will.

Marshall: We frightened a couple great just because we share a toothbrush.

Barney: You share a toothbrush?

Robin: Well, they and Ted.

Barney:... Huh?

Ted: Wait a minute. When we went out together, you borrow the toothbrush all the time.

Robin: Oh, sh*t.

Ted (2030): And that's when Aunt Lily has seen what is great about sport, they make you forget about your problems, but only for a little while. And deep within us, we all needed this flawlessly.

Ted: At the second she sits next to Swisher, we reach the end.

Marshall: Wait a minute! Aldrin was seen. She tries to escape, she jumps, and... I thought she would not do that.

Woman: Oh my God, are you?

Lily: Yeah, sorry. I'm so clumsy! Oh, thank you. I think I twisted my ankle. Do what you can bring me some ice?

Woman: Sure.

Marshall: She did! I believe that there is no jinx finally.

Wendy: I'm bringing ice, Lily.

Marshall: Damn. Swisher is back in play Swisher is back in play!

Ted: Follow me. Hey, Nick Swisher! This guy and his wife share a toothbrush!

Nick: And?

Ted: And it's weird, right?

Nick: Actually, I think it's cute. Are we not try to find someone who could share his toothbrush?

Marshall: I'm sorry. Lily, Nick Swisher think it's cute.

Barney: Martini?

Ted: You take a beer with a Yankee, if that's not cool!

Robin: That's great, I'm all baseball. Mookie Wilson, while a player eh?

Nick: Yeah, baseball is great, but I tell you, this is not hockey.

Robin: I live just above.

Woman: What do you say we go home?

Barney: Wow, to be honest, this is not my habit, but I feel a real connection, Number 7... Christy. I beg you. I did it! I did it!

Ted and Marshall are Barney.

Jim: Unbelievable. Congratulations on your faultless.

Barney: Thank you, Jim. I would never have done it without the help of my friends.

Jim: Hey, on another subject, you really think you could get fired today?

Barney: Uh, Jim, I told you I wanted to talk about it.

Jim: Barney, I go straight from your imagination, so apparently we must talk! Think about it.

Barney: What a c**t.

Jim: You're the idiot.

Woman: Mr. Donovan will see you now.

Mr Donovan: Stinson, we made a decision. We keep you. I know this last week has been hard.

Barney: I barely slept.

The band is at the bar.

Marshall: That's the guy, the official caps of no fault of Barney. I was going to make t-shirts, but you know, sizes, all that, and it would hurt me to think.

Lily: In commemoration, at the entrance to the Barney legend, this tie, worn during his seventh night of her flawless, freshly removed.

Marshall: May the heroic story of Barney to be remembered, and transmitted from generation to generation.

Ted: I already see myself in front of my children, trying to tell them when their uncle Barney kissed 7 chicks in a row.

Ted (2030): Is what I'm a bad father?

In McLaren's...

Wendy: A command to Coulin Jen? It has a large commission for Jen Coulin here.

Ted: You send Wendy to say now? Go! It's good, I understood.Jen Coulin is a crap name, and it becomes increasingly shitty when it is repeated. Jen Coulin. Jen Coulin. Jen Coulin.

Jen: Present.

END