05x15 - Rabbit or Duck

[bunniefuu]

Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment to watch the Superbowl. Well, not all of us...

(cut to Barney at the stadium holding a sign)

TV anchor: "Welcome back to Superbowl XLIV in Miami. Get a load of that guy! You think that's his real number?"

Ted: Well, that explains where Barney is.

Robin: Dibs on his wings!

(credits)

(at McLaren's)

Barney: Hey, guys!

Ted: Hey!

Barney: Does anyone know who won the Superbowl?

Marshall: You were there. It was the...

Barney: I won! Because I'm now in possession of a magic phone that always rings. And you know who's always usually on the other end? A chick. So how many chicks do I have calling me now? Infinity! Guys, remember Ranjit?

Ranjit: Hello.

Ted: Hey, Ranjit!

Marshall: Good to see you.

Barney: OK I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway cause... you know... germs!

Ted: Wait, you're... you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?

Barney: Oh, indubitably! I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes pealed for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic and want to 96 me, semi-colon and parenthesis.

Ted: This ought to be good. I can only imagine the quality of girls...

Red-sweater girl: Hi, you ARE the guy from the Superbowl.

Barney: Magic phone, guys. (whispers) Magic phone!

(Robin comes in)

Robin: Oh, hey guys, hey Ranjit.

Lily: Hey.

Marshall: How's it going?

Ted: That beer looks a little flat.

Robin: Nuh, it's scotch.

Ted: Something troubling you, kiddo?

Robin: Hhhhh Don.

Don was Aunt Robin's co-host on her morning show. Now even though her show was on so early that noone watched, Aunt Robin was a consummate professional. But Don was not.

(flashback to Robin's morning show)

Don: Oh yeahh!

But that morning, Don had gone too far.

Robin: Now that's what I call having a woof over your head. Don. DON?

Don: Why is "Ulee's Gold" in every crossword? On to me? Sorry, sorry... Next Sunday is Valentine's Day. And one lucky patient will be receiving a very special chocolate heart: a human heart. OK, that reminds me, I've been meaning to ask you... Robin, do you have any Valentine's Day plans?

(back at Mc Laren's)

Lily: He asked you out?

Robin: He asked me out.

Ted: That's crazy! And they use "Ulee" because of the vowels.

Marshall: What did you say?

Robin: Well we were on the air, I was on the spot, so I said OK.

Lily: Oh, oh, oh!

Marshall: Robin, you're gonna marry this man so freaking hard, right in the butt.

Robin: What? Nooo I HATE Don. And now I can't cancel because I said I would go out with him on the air.

Marshall: What would your viewers think?

Ted: Wow wow wow, you said you'd go out with him on Valentine's? I thought we had plans!

Robin: Getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan?

Ted: I did NOT...say... it was a good plan.

Barney: Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now. And it is getting in-teh-resting. Looks at these texts. Read this one. Yowza! Now look at this one. Does she text her mother with those fingers? Now look at this one... or this one, or this one, or this one, or...

Ted: OK OK OK buddy, how about you do this? Go nail that girl, then read your texts.

Barney: I can't do that, Ted. I just can't hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with whom up can be hooked.

Lily: Isn't there always a hotter girl?

Barney: I know, isn't it wonderful? (answers phone) Go for Barney. Cut to the chase, what's your cup size?...Oh, hi Mom!

Ted: So there's a hotter girl. Isn't that the problem in a nutshell? There's too many options. You got internet dating, you got bars...

Lily: Holding up your phone number on national TV.

Ranjit: I never had that problem. When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage. And I love my wife more and more every day.

Ted: Hm.

Marshall: It is true. It's very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love... like Robin and Don.

Robin: Oh but we're not even like going out for dinner, we're just hanging out at his place.

All of them: Ooohhh ahh!

Robin: No, it's not like that. It's just us and a bunch of other people.

All the them: Wooooooo!... (then they stop and think)

Lily: Wait, Robin, what exactly did Don say when he asked you out?

(flashback to the set)

Don: I'm having some friends over at my place for a party. You should come by if you want.

Robin: Errrrrrr...I... OK.

(back at McLaren's)

Lily: Robin, Don didn't ask you out.

Robin: Err, of course he asked me out.

Ted: Err no he didn't.

Robin: Yes, he did. He did. He did. He DID!

Ranjit: OK.

Marshall: Well, dog my cats! I think I know what's going on here. Robin... did you WANT Don to ask out?

Robin: Whaaat?!! (in a high voice) (huffs) Nooo, I HATE Don! I-I-I can't stop thinking how much I hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. I just wanna att*ck him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. SHUT UP!! (leaves the table)

Ted: See! That right there is what free will gets you. Constant ego-shattering uncertainty. I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has. I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman and I'm spending Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet. I need someone else to find me that woman. Marshall, Lily, arrange-marriage me!

Barney: (walks by, phone ringing)Or this one, or this one, or this one...

Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?

Ted: Absolutely. Looks there's two sides to dating, right? Picking and getting picked. Getting picked, I'm good at. Ladies looove Teddy Westside.

Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your self-assigned nickname? Well, here's my comment. I love it.

Ted: Really?! (excited)

Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue.

Ted: It's the picking, I suck at. I pick the wrong girls. But you guys, you're the best pickers I know. You picked each other.

Lily: Oh well with the slight assist from the Wesleyan housing department.

Marshall: And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir. (they hive five) (Robin giggles)

Ted: Get out there and find me a girl. We'll double date on Valentine's Day. If I like her, I will marry her... if she's cool with it. And she will be. Cause I'll wear my nice blazer.

Marshall: I love that blazer. Almost as much as Robin loves Don.

Robin: I do not love Don.

Marshall: Robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you want to jump people's bones. The two responses are so similar, it's hard to tell them apart.

Ted: You know what it's like? Wait, I have to get a book. Give me 30 seconds.

(22 minutes later)

Ted: OK this is fun. Look at this picture. It's a rabbit! You can look at it for hours and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit. But then one day, you look at it and you realize, "wait a second, it's a duck!" Rabbit, duck, rabbit, duck. Isn't it fun?

It sure was.

Marshall: Relationships are like that. I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit".

Ted: Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate.

Marshall: What?!!

Robin: Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down.

Lily: Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.

Marshall: I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks.

This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had.

(flash forward)

Ted: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey.

Marshall: (yelling) We're not talking about flavour, Ted.

Ted: (yelling as well) Flavour counts.

(flash forward)

Marshall: Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone?

(flash forward)

Robin: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. (almost yells) I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?

(flash forward)

Ted: Hold on, I've got to get another book.

(flash forward)

(Ranjit rants on in his mother tongue, probably Bengali, the official language of Bengladesh.)

(flash forward)

Ted: Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out?

Marshall: Because it's illegal, Ted!

Ted: Only if we bet on it, Marshall!

(flash forward)

Marshall: FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN!

Robin: Say it.

Ted: You have to say it.

Marshall: Duck's good... (long pause, then whispers...) rabbit's bad.

Robin: YAYYYYY.

Lily: YAY.

Ted: YESSS.

Robin: Thank you. And Don is, and always will be, a rabbit.

Ted: Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin. Think about it. Don... Donald. Donald... Duck. (Marshall sighs heavily) And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear?

Lily: Pants.

Ted: Pants. Don's... a duck. (Lily and Marshall sigh in awe of Ted) Permission to say "lawyered"?

Marshall: I'll allow it.

Ted: Lawyered.

Yes, kids, sometimes there's a fine line between love and hate. Case and point.

(Barney's bedroom)

Barney: There is no place I would rather be and no one I would rather be with... (phone rings) I should get that. (picks up in the kitchen) Go for Barney... Look, I'm sort of in the middle of someone, something right now and I... You're a hot lady bullfighter?... (to the girl in his room) You gotta go.

(Ranjit's cab)

Barney: McLaren's pub.

Ranjit: McLaren's pub.

(at McLaren's)

Barney: Well, heeelllooo.

(back in Barney's bedroom)

Barney: There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... (phone rings) Would you excuse me for one moment? (picks up in the kitchen) Go for Barney, look, I... You're a gold medalist japanese figure skater? (to the lady bullfighter) Adios, muchacha!

(Ranjit's cab)

Barney: McLaren's pub.

Ranjit: McLaren's pub.

(at McLaren's)

Barney: Well, heeelllooo.

(back in Barney's bedroom)

Barney: No place I'd rather be, no one I'd rather b... (phone rings) baaah... for Pete's sake. (picks up in the kitchen) You're a HOT chick? (to the skater) Sayonara.

(Ranjit's cab)

Barney: McLaren's pub.

Ranjit: McLaren's pub.

(at McLaren's)

Barney: Well, heeelllooo.

Hot Chick: I realize that you're very busy, so I'll just get straight to the point.

Barney: OK.

(she puts her left leg behind her neck, opens her beer bottle with her toes, grabs the bottle with her right hand and drinks)

Barney: Ay ay ay.

Hot Chick: And that's my bad leg. Very bad. (phone rings) Are you OK?

Barney: Yeah of course. Why, why wouldn't I be?... (picks up) Go for Barney.

Barney had been sure that phone was something he loved. But now he realized it wasn't that at all. It was something else entirely.

(Barney loses it and sees the phone as a cute/bad white rabbit, runs to the back alley and drops the phone in the bin)

Barney: I'm free.

(back in his bedroom)

Barney: Ahh now this feels right. There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... (hears THE phone ringing)

Hot Chick: What's wrong?

Barney: Did you hear that?

Hot Chick: Hear what?

Barney: Shhhhhhhh. (loses his mind) aaahhhh

(Ranjit's cab)

Barney: McLaren's pub!!

Ranjit: McLaren's pub!

(Barney goes through the bar to the back alley and searches the bin for the phone.)

Barney: (crying) Go-o for Barrr-neeeeyy. (back to business) D cups, really?

Finally Valentine's Day arrived. The deadline for Marshall and Lily to find me a wife. An important job they had...well, forgotten to do.

(at McLaren's)

Marshall: Aren't we supposed to go on a double date with Ted?

Lily: Ted? No, he's not seeing anyone. Remember, he asked us to find...

Marshall: Oh, no.

(they start running through the bar in search of Ted's future wife)

Marshall: Hey! Hey, wanna get married?

(cut to Lily)

Lily: (annoyed) I don't know what kind of architect? Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.

(cut to Marshall, there are 3 women sitting together)

Marshall: (to the 1st one) Wanna marry my friend Ted? (to the 2nd one) Wanna marry my friend Ted? (to the 3d one) Wanna marry my friend Ted?

(back to Lily)

Lily: You can be choosey? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, uh!

(cut to Marshall to a blond at the bar)

Marshall: Hey, just real quick... (the girl pepper-sprays him, he writhes in pain) you wanna marry my friend Ted?

(back to Lily and Marshall)

Lily: Man, Ted's right, it's tough out there.

Marshall: This is stupid. You know what, we forgot about this. I'm sure Ted did also.

(Robin and Ted's apartment)

Ted: Here comes the groom in his favorite blazer, gonna meet my wife and I'm...laser, tazer, gaze her, take, bathe her?

Robin: Hey, Ted?

Ted: Yeah?

Robin: Before you go meet your future wife, why don't you swing by Don's party with me?

Ted: That's what you're wearing?

Robin: Yeah, why?

Ted: He's a duck. That dude be straight-ducking. "And I think that I'll amaze her". Nailed it!

So we went to Don's party.

(in the hall to Don's apartment)

Ted: Look, Robin, I don't wanna crowd you on your little date here, so if things start to get hot and heavy with Don...

Robin: They're not gonna get...

Ted: I'm just saying, if they do... I'll just say "Well, I got a dinner res" and then, wait this is the last part, I've been working on it for a while... I'll duck out.

Robin: Ha ha ha. It's not gonna get happen... but yeah, do that!

(Don's apartment)

Don: Hello, Robin. (he gets up from the couch, he's naked, except for a heart-shaped red chocolate box covering his privates)

Ted: Well, I got a dinner res... (Ted ducks out)

Robin: Come... god, Don, what the hell are you doing?

Don: I don't know. It's something called the Naked Man. I read about it on some guy's blog. My god, I'm so stupid, why did I ever think it would work on someone like you?

Robin: Yeah, cause I would never, could like, standards, so... you know... I thought this was a party.

Don: I only said that to get you to come over here. I didn't think you'd bring a date.

Robin: Ted's not my date. He's a friend.

Don: Oh god, you probably think I'm some kind of playboy now, right?

Robin: (sees Don with imaginary rabbit's ears) You could say that.

(later at Robin and Ted's)

Ted: So he's a rabbit. At least you know for sure.

Robin: Ted, this may hurt a little, I'm recycling your old Architecture Weekly magazines.

Ted: What are you doing?

Robin: Cleaning. You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day.

(in front of the restaurant)

Marshall: Oh, thank god, you're here!

Ted: Yeah, I've been thinking, hmm, maybe we should call this whole thing off...

Marshall: No. Ted. We got her. It's, it's the craziest thing. We were searching all week and then a couple hours ago...

(flashback to McLaren's)

Marshall: Trudy?

Lily: Married.

Marshall: Blah Blah?

Lily: Committed.

Marshall: Relationship?

Lily: Bellevue.

Marshall: Natalie?

Lily: Ted's her least favorite person in the world.

Marshall: Well, she's not getting any younger.

(Barney shows up)

Barney: Get rid of it. This phone is cursed. Cursed, I tell you! I tried to ignore it but it just never stops ringing. It's ruining my life! I should get that. (Marshall takes it away from him) No, please, please, please, Marshall, let me answer it, it could be an emergency, she could be trapped in a giant bra.

Ranjit: Barney, Barney, let it go... to voicemail. (carries him to the cab)

Barney: (mumbles) OK... (cries into Ranjit's shoulder)

Marshall: We have to find Ted a wife. We're being too choosey. It almost doesn't matter who it is at this point. (both look over at Barney's phone)

(flash forward to the front of the restaurant)

Ted: It's a phone girl!?

Marshall: I know, I know... but no, then we met her and Ted... she's a world-class violinist, she's a gourmet cook and she can quote every line from Caddy Shack.

Ted: Wow.

Hot Chick: Hello, Ted! "And what brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape? Why are you here?" (Ted's impressed)

So we all had dinner. And kids, Lily and Marshall's hard work had paid off. Because that girl was terrific. In fact...

Marshall: Oh but Natalia, tell Ted the problem.

Lily: Yeah, yeah, tell him, tell him!

Natalia: Well, unfortunately I'm going to have to leave the country soon because my visa is about to expire.

Lily: (whispers) She needs to get married.

Marshall: (whispers too) Federal law expressly dictates that a foreign national can't maintain residency for longer than six months without a work visa.

But when it came down to it...

Waiter: And you, Sir? The rabbit or the duck?

Ted: What?

Waiter: It's a pre-fixed menu for Valentine's Day and we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken. So rabbit or duck?

Ted: Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go. (he leaves)

Marshall: Why would Ted order the rabbit if he's just gonna run out?

(Barney comes in)

Barney: I need it back. Where is the phone? Well, heeellooooo. Oh I met you already. Where is the phone?

Lily: It's hidden.

Barney: Where?

Where had Aunt Lily hidden the phone? Well, to answer that question, we have to back up a little bit.

(flashback to Robin and Ted's)

Robin: You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day.

(we hear Barney's phone, Ted walks over to the piano)

Ted: Barney's phone... I wonder how it got in there?

Robin: Ted! Come on. Big date.

Ted: Uh what's the harm... Hello!

And just like that, I was hooked.

(flashforward to the front of the restaurant)

Ted: Terrific. I will see you there. And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer. Ah ah ah I think you'll know the blazer when you see it. Oooh! I gotta go.

Marshall: Oh, thank god, you're here.

(flashforward to inside the restaurant)

Waiter: So rabbit or duck?

Ted: Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go.

(back at McLaren's)

Ted: Well, heeellooooo. (to a pretty girl ; phone rings) Sorry, babe, I gotta take this. Barney's phone, Teddy Westside speaking.

Barney: My phone. I'm taking it back. And I'm taking your cool nickname too. Barney Westside speaking.

Ted: No, no, I love it so much. It just keeps ringing and ringing and ringing. Give it, give it.

Barney: (picks up) Hey, baby...

Ted: It's mine now.

Barney: It's not your phone. (they fight over it)

Marshall: Lily. (hands her the phone). No. No! (Barney grabs his neck) Aaaargh.

Lily: (drops the phone into a pitcher) Oops.

(later at Robin and Ted's)

Ted: Being single sucks. It turns you into a crazy person.

Robin: I know. So much running around and freaking out. For what?

Ted: So long as you can find someone you can sit on the couch and put off cleaning the bathroom with.

Robin: Well, the joke's on the rest of the world cause we can do that on our own.

Ted: Exactly.

Robin: Exactly.

(next morning, on the set)

Don: Robin, I have to apologize...

Robin: Save it. Let's just do the news.

Don: No. Listen... after you left the other night, I was embarrassed. Not because I was naked. I'm actually pretty OK with my body.

Robin: Clearly.

Don: I got married in college. I just got divorced three months ago. I have no idea how to be single. But that's not why I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed by my behavior right here at Channel...hmm, it starts with a 1, I know that, but...

Robin: 12.

Don: 12!...

Robin: You can... just look at your mug.

Don: Right. Well, no, you look at this mug (point to his face). You are a tremendous news anchor. And you deserve a co-anchor who gives a crap. And from here on out, it's gonna be me.

Robin: Well, I'll believe that when I see it.

Don: Well, you'll see it right now. I'll go get you some coffee.

Robin: Don!! You're wearing pants!

Don: Well, look at that!

Robin: (sees him with an imaginary duck's beak) Uh, duck!

(end credits)