03x01 - And the Soft Opening

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner, my name is Max 'cause the hospital wouldn't let my mother name me "Oops".

I've been out of town all summer, anything new?

Anything new? Let's see, well...

Facebook went public and Edward Snowden went private.

Kim and Kanye had a baby, so now there's another Kardashian to not keep up with.

Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California's out for letting her students get it in.

Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run, Chris Brown got a hit-and-run, Rihanna got hit and still didn't run.

Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that.

Egypt went crazy, Amanda Bynes went crazier, and the NSA checked our phones like a crazy ex-girlfriend.

Oh, and Texas hates women, Florida hates blacks, And everybody hates everything with the exception of Angelina Jolie, who is totally awesome.

I meant on the menu. Anything new on the menu?

I have no idea. Let me check.

Hey, Caroline, anything new I should know about?

The royal baby smiled at the queen.

I meant at the diner.

Oh. I think we're maybe washing the forks now? Let me check.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ ♪

See, Max, one quick change, and we went from polyester and pitiful to powerful and proud.

Just like Superman.

Except that Superman changed in a phone booth, not a stall that says, "for a good time, call Max."

Well, if you had a problem with it, why did you write it?

'Cause I didn't have enough eyeliner to write, "for an interesting time, call Caroline."

Look. Look, Earl, we're wearing our "Max's homemade cupcakes" t-shirts again.

See the logo?

Well, actually, I try never to look you ladies in the "chestal" area.

It keeps things on the up and up.

Oh, Earl, you are one in a million, literally, 'cause 999,999 men have only looked me in that area.

Well, I got to go home. I'm binge-watching Dharma & Greg on Hulu.

Oh, I missed so much growing up in Korea.

What, like puberty?

Max, in my country, I'm average height.

And in my mind, I'm still rich, and my health care plan isn't Flintstones chewables.

So who wants to go in the back and see how amazing our brand-new cupcake shop is?

Bring down the enthusiasm, Rachael Ray.

Right, we're not supposed to get all excited about this opening tonight.

Last time, we made a big deal, and the shop didn't do so well.

Ha! That's like saying the people near the nuclear expl*si*n didn't do so well.

Girls, I am so proud of you two, getting back up on that horse.

After my first jazz record didn't sell, I turned to a life of drinks, dr*gs, and loose women.

Funny how sometimes things just work out right.

But how can you be opening your cupcake window right now?

It's 2:00 A.M.!

Our hours are 2:00 to 4:00.

We're targeting the "post bars" demographic.

Drunk Williamsburg guys.

That's my target when I'm by myself and now my target at the new shop.

Funny how sometimes things just work out right.

We have no big expectations about the opening tonight.

It's a soft opening.

What's the difference between a soft one and a hard one?

You want me to show him?

Thanks, but we're cool.

Seriously, it won't take me a minute.

It's fine, Oleg.

Just so you know, I'm already there.

Get ready, this room's had an amazing transformation.

Rachael Ray?

I mean, it's fine, whatever.

Han, before we go in, close your eyes.

I want you to get the full effect.

Yeah, and I want to trip you.

She's kidding.

No, she's not.

Yeah, I'm not.

Han, I promise, I won't let her trip you.

Now, close your eyes.

[Whimpers]

What?

Now, I thought she was going to hit me.

She was not.

Yeah, I was.

Okay, no more blind eye bull crap.

Just show me the damn smelly back room.

Let me turn off the lights for a more dramatic impact.

[Screams]

What? I didn't do anything.

It was me.

He now knows what hard is.

I cannot believe my eyes.

I felt the same way when I first saw you.

Original tan, original tile, original too.

What do you think, Oleg?

Nice.

"Nice"? All you got is "nice?"

This place was like Great Adventure for rats!

They were waiting in line to bite us.

Caroline, show them your bite marks.

I'd rather not.

Nice?

It used to smell like the place poop comes to die.

Or death comes to poop.

And look what we did! We created the greatest, coolest, chic-est cupcake shop, and I love it!

But you know, no enthusiasm. Just soft opening.

And, Han, this was all possible because you gave us the space rent-free.

Rent-free? Now, refresh my memory.

When exactly did I say "rent-free?"

On the 27th, 4:15 P.M., you said, "I don't care about that dump, you can have it for free.

Burn it to the ground, for all I care."

I knew learning English would come back to bite me in the ass.

[Knocking at the window]

Somebody's already knocking? That's a really great sign, Max.

Time to open.

[Blows party horn]

Look, girls, I'm blowing this party horn for you.

Thanks, Sophie, but we didn't want to make a big deal, it's a soft opening.

Oh, I love a soft opening.

[Blows party horn]

Hello, Sophie.

Oh, hello, Oleg.

Sorry, Sophie, about this uncomfortable meeting.

If we had known you were going to surprise us, we wouldn't have invited Oleg.

Yeah, I was there when you two broke up and I'm still suffering from PTSD.

"Post-Traumatic Sophie Drama."

There's no drama.

And the award for the best drama goes to...

Not us. Right, Oleg?

Yes, we're friends now.

See, girls, I cheated on her, so she smashed in my car windows.

And my apartment windows.

And your stereo and your flat screen.

And my brother's flat screen and his daughter's computer.

[Laughs]

Yeah, she surprised me. She wasn't supposed to be home.

We got it out of our systems. Good night, friend.

Good night, friend!

And, Oleg?

[Blows horn]

Wow.

That is one lucky horn.

Honey, look. Look, some customers.

Hey, cool guys!

Come over here and eat something from the girls' soft opening!

That is so not the way I would've gone, but I'll take it.

[cockney accent] Hello, hello.

What have we got here?

Welcome to Max's homemade cupcakes.

In England we call 'em "fairy cakes."

Fairy cakes? Damn it.

Why are the hot ones always gay?

Here you go, darling, give us the whole lot.

Oh, my God!

A black American Express card?

I haven't held a black one in my hands in years.

I would've guessed you hadn't held a black one ever.

Sorry, it's our first night, cash only.

Oh, wow. He is really out of it.

What is he on?

Besides me later?

Do not know, but am jealous.

[Gasps]

And now I'm really jealous.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

Oh, I'd say he's more than fine.

I'd say he's my next boyfriend.

Roland, mate. Wake up.

He's not breathing.

I can't wake him, call 911!

Call 911!

Let's all just calm down. I have seen this happen a lot.

One summer I had a part-time job, as a lifeguard at a cr*ck house.

He'll come to in a second.

He's dead.

Called that wrong.

Max, the guy who d*ed in front of our shop last night was a rock star.

He used to date Kate Moss.

No offense, but dating Kate Moss is like a law in England.

Everyone has to do it when they turn 21.

His name was Roland Glass, and he has two gold records.

I can't believe I've never heard of him.

I can.

Your go-to jam is the soundtrack from Newsies.

Yesterday a rock star, and today he's gone.

You never know. That's why I ordered us breakfast from the fancy breakfast place on the corner.

You ordered from "Magna cum latte"?

One, I wish I had a g*n.

And, two, someday I'm gonna order breakfast to be delivered with one of their fancy-ass croissants.

Who knows, tonight I could do too much heroin and die an unexpected death.

But at least then I'd die doing something my mother loved.

You're right, Max. You only live once.

Yolo.

And you only live till the next time you say "yolo."

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, no. More bad news.

According to my Google Alert for Max's homemade cupcakes- you have a Google Alert for our business?

I only have a Google Alert for "Oprah goes topless."

I'm not saying it's gonna happen, but I'm saying, if it does, I'm gonna be the first one to know.

Look, it's online that Roland Glass d*ed in front of our shop.

And now my phone just d*ed. It's an epidemic.

Oleg, what are you still doing with the arrow from our shop?

I thought that you said that was hung.

No, I said I was hung.

And I can't put it up now with that crowd of people in front of your window.

There are people in front of our window?

Dude, is this where my man Roland d*ed?

Yeah, right over there.

Then I'm gonna put this here, next to Paddington bear.

I caught this at his last concert.

And I also caught this.

So, like, what, dude? He just dropped to the ground?

Actually, he hit right here first, smiled, then fell.

He smiled? Dude.

Max, can I see you over here?

Sorry for your loss and dope hat.

Thanks. I found it in a dumpster.

Max, what are you doing?

Don't tell them he hit our counter.

We need to distance ourselves from the entire event.

This spells disaster for our new business.

Dude, can I get three dozen cupcakes?

Or it spells success.

I have beaucoup friends coming here for the midnight vigil.

How much are your cupcakes?

$7.

That's a lot.

Dude. Roland would've wanted it that way.

♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪

And he hit right here before he fell.

And as he fell, he looked up at me and smiled.

Content. Peaceful.

That'll be $7, cash only.

Mira, can you break a 50?

Max!

Yeah, what do you need?

Change for a 50.

Got it. I mean, why, God, why?

[Singing along] ♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪

Ten, ten, ten, ten.

♪ Heaven's door ♪

Max, we're almost sold out in here.

I need more cupcakes from the kitchen.

Got it. I'll come right in.

Earl?

Yo!

Same split as before. 30¢ on every dollar you sell.

What a waste.

You know how much money we could make if we sold pot?

Oh, you want in on that too? Same split.

Oh, man, that hippie patchouli smell is worse than the poop was.

Han, shh. These people are in mourning. Show some respect.

Me? Me show some respect?

What will you two do next, sell cupcakes at the diabetes wing at the children's hospital?

How dare you doubt my sincerity?

I personally have shooed a homeless man away from peeing on that shrine twice.

I don't care what I may or may not have said on the 27th at 4:15 p.m.

Your business is booming, and now I want rent.

No way, Han. That man could've overdosed anywhere.

But God made him overdose in front of our window as a gift.

And, yes, we are accepting that gift because you only live once.

Yolo.

This isn't "yolo" it's "hodo".

"He Only d*ed Once."

I'm surprised you aren't selling "hodo" t-shirts.

How dare you again?

We are simply providing some comfort food to people who need comfort.

And, I might add, we are doing it with the utmost respect.

♪ Knock, knock, knocking on the Apple Store's door ♪

That's it, your business is booming, I want rent. 200.

A year?

A month, and it's a bargain for my beautiful space.

This space is only beautiful because we made it beautiful.

Yeah, show 'em your bite marks!

Max, I'd rather not.

You will pay me $200 a month, and there is nothing you can do to change my mind!

Show him your bite marks! Fine!

A rat bit her ass?

Okay, 195.

No rent, Han. That wasn't the deal you made us.

This is not personal, it's business.

I want a slice of grief pie!

Show him your front bites!

No! That's too personal.

Sorry you had to do that.

So am I.

It's healing nicely.

Don't lie to me.

I think it's nice of us to add our flowers to the others.

Shows respect.

You're acting like you didn't steal them.

Max, it's the thought that counts.

And I thought it'd be cheaper to pull them out of someone's garden.

Wait, where's the shrine?

Look, Han moved it over to the diner door.

That insolent charlatan!

Whatever that means.

(All) ♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪

Can you believe this, girls?

He's cashing in on a man's death.

Without us.

And in his honor tonight we are serving Chicken à la Roland!

At a mourner's discount of just $8.95.

Looks like Jiminy Cricket turned to the dark side.

I also have rock star pudding.

Nope. No way, Max. This is our shrine.

Grab a handful of bears.

We're moving the dead guy's shrine back?

Wait, let me just light a candle for my dignity.

It d*ed here too.

Max, do you want to be successful or not?

Because if you do, grab one of these poems that doesn't follow any of the rules of poetry, and move it back to the cupcake window.

Because this is our death.

I think maybe you're being a little harsh.

"Rock out in heaven. Love, Kevin."

That is gold.

Oops, knocked over a candle. Ooh, small fire.

Fire on my shoe.

If I don't get this out, it's gonna be my memorial service.

Look, look.

Those girls are disrupting the shrine of a dead man!

Look, look, a roach got out of the diner! Quick, step on it!

Look, hippies, look! Put down those bongs and look.

They're moving the place where a man d*ed for their own financial gain!

Hey, that's so not cool, man.

Yeah, me on. Yeah, boo!

He's the not cool one. Yeah, look at him!

Roland Glass d*ed a horrible death in front of our adorable cupcake window.

See? "Horrible, adorable"?

That rhyme just came right off the top of my head.

Hey! Hi.

Hi. He knows!

I told him to stop peeing on the shrine when it was still over there!

Isn't that right?

Yep. That's the bitch.

Yes! Yes! I'm the bitch!

So not cool, dude. Let's get him out of here.

[all shouting]

[Han] No! Stop!

That's my wallet!

Ooh, stop! That's not my wallet.

Stop!

Stop!

Cast of Rock of Ages, stop!

Put him down. He's cool.

Even with those clothes and that head.

I mean, really. Are we that desperate for success?

We'd let Han be torn apart?

I'm thinking.

Caroline-

Max, I'm thinking.

Well, no one's knock, knock, knocking on our door now.

It's more dead out there than when there was a dead guy out there.

I'm having second thoughts about how we behaved today.

I mean, how could we have let Han live?

Hello.

I brought you some rock star pudding to say thank you.

Oh, rock star pudding. What's in it, pills?

Broken dreams? Tear-stained panties?

Caroline?

I'm not as easy as Max.

Said every girl in my seventh grade class.

Look, I was wrong.

No, Han, I was.

We should pay rent.

I wasn't talking about the rent.

Rent? [Muffled] Who said anything about rent?

I was wrong when I said it wasn't personal, it was business.

After Max stopped me from being torn limb from limb by the smelly hippies, I realized, with us, it is mostly personal.

And a little business.

A little business?

What other kind could you have?

Max, let's not be hard on Han.

He's giving us this space rent-free.

No one said "rent-free."

I came up with a number I think is fair.

$250,000.

Yeah, sounds fair.

I remembered that was your original cupcake shop goal.

So when you hit that amount, we can talk rent.

Han, that is so sweet.

And I'm not gonna ruin it by bringing up the fact that she just said "hard on Han."

Really, Han, it's so, so generous.

But I don't know if we're comfortable with it...

What if we offered you a small piece of the business?

I'll wait for the rent. You two are good friends.

A woman finally offers Han a piece, and he turns it down.

Max. Google Alert.

Oprah's topless?

Max, let that go. That's never gonna happen.

Not with that attitude.

No, the autopsy says Roland Glass choked on a Max's homemade cupcake.

This is a disaster.

Hey, where's your enthusiasm now, miss Rachael Ray?

This place is the balls!

And it is just a matter of time 'til those sicko hipsters are lining up for "one of those cupcakes that k*lled that dude".

Open the window! We're back, baby!

But we can't count on a guy dying every week.

I mean, I have a positive attitude, but that's too pollyanna.

We don't have to.

That's what's so great about this window.

Who knows what'll happen?

Right, and we won't have to chase business down because we'll be right here on the street waiting for it to come to us.

Max, I feel so good about the possibilities.

One night it could be a black American express card, and the...

Max, is it...

Other nights, it's a friendly little visit from our homeless guy.

[Screams]

[Cash register bell dings]