03x12 - Should've Been a Cowboy

[bunniefuu]

You thought I was gonna propose?

This isn't an ultimatum.

I just need to know we're on the same path.

Sometimes I think I never should've let you go.

Hey, Lynly. You up for another mani-pedi party?

Y'all are hanging out?

With you saving BlueBell and Tansy broken up with Scooter...

You broke up with Scooter?

Guess the fact that I b*rned Tansy's hair off means I'm still kind of damaged myself.

I'll call Lavon from Houston.

Good-bye, Lynly Hayes.

We're renting a house!

No, we're not.

Termite house is for rent or for sale.

We're buying a house.

Seriously?

All in.

(upbeat hip-hop playing)

All right, last set, you guys!

Let's do this!

Now I want you to move it, hips side to side.

Here we go.

Okay, let's metabolize that sugar into pyruvate!

Pritchett sisters, I don't want you to let that lactic acid build up!

I thought we were supposed to be getting funky.

What is she even talking about?

This is not funky!

This Health and Wellness Month is an inspired idea.

The town really needed this. I mean, look at all the participation!

See?

Yeah. I know.

BlueBell, we are set to meet our goal of losing 500 collective pounds.

I think this is the greatest accomplishment I've had as this town's physician.

Plus, all this working out, it's really good stress relief from the big move.

All right, we can stop.

We can stop.

I'm so happy for you and Joel.

This is such a big step.

Yeah, thanks.

I can't wait for the house to be ready to have you guys over.

(chuckles)

All right, BlueBell, well done!

Remember, two days until the final weigh-in, all right?

We got Bollywood Boogie at the Rammer Jammer at 3:00, and then right here at 4:30, we got Pilates.

Meatball, I am looking at you.

No way.

A rock-hard core would sully my brand.

Joel: Okay, so, tell me what you thought.

Don't worry.

I take criticism very well.

Let me preface this by saying that I am, without a doubt, the number one Joel Stephens fan in the world.

Nay, the universe.

And I am so honored that you would let me read the first six chapters.

They were amazing, thoughtful, riveting.

Wow. Thank you very much.

The only thing is...

Oh. The motivation gets a little muddled in chapter four...

Your main character makes no sense. (chuckles)

Well, uh...

Well, he-he is... he's purposely enigmatic.

You know, he's a Southern badass, um, a lone wolf.

Yeah. That's-that's what's so confusing.

You see, for a cowboy, he spends a lot of time whining about getting his sneakers dirty.

(chuckles)

And, uh, I-I don't think badasses use words like, uh... "ennui."

Well, he happens to be a highly educated Southern badass.

Maybe... you should change the character into someone you get a little... better, and leave the cowboy writing to actual cowboys.

Thank you for your feedback.

This is good stuff. I appreciate it. So, I'm just gonna take that and, uh, I'm gonna let it, um...

Uh...

(sighs)

Artists. So sensitive.

(gasps)

A.B., there you are.

Huge news.

Jackson finally proposed last night.

Isn't she a beauty?

Jackson proposed?

Wow.

I'm so happy for y'all.

Now, I know you're no longer a Belle, but still... will you be a bridesmaid?

It just wouldn't be the same without you and Lemon there, and she already said yes.

That sounds great!

Yay.

Bridesmaid, of course.

Oh, great. Well, I got to run.

I'm deciding between Bali and Brazil for the honeymoon.

(chuckles)

Ta!

Damn health week!

My kingdom for a cruller.

(indistinct chatter)

One veggie lovers omelet (quietly): and some bacon I got on the black market.

(quietly): Score. Thank you.

Nope. You're on the stupid diet with the rest of us, Tucker.

No special privileges just 'cause the waitress wants to ask you out.

No.

(sputters)

Tansy and I are just...

She doesn't...

You think so?

Everybody thinks so.

Look, Tucker, it's been a month since Lynly left.

What's the holdup?

I don't know, man.

Just, you know, Tansy and I had a complex history.

We're both newly single.

I j... I just want it to be the right moment, you know?

And, plus, things are still tense, very, very tense, with... Lavon!

Hey, man.

How you doing?

Alive.

It's nice weather we're having out there.

Right?

(chuckles)

Oh. Very sunny.

Yeah.

And I-I heard it-it might rain tomorrow.

Yes. Y-Yes, I-I hear that, too.

(chuckling): Yeah.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm gonna go sit over there.

Bye.

Okay.

Wow. That is tense, all right.

Told you.

Morning, Mayor.

Gluten-free pancakes with agave syrup?

(sighs)

As much as I'm rooting for the health of BlueBell, I miss real food.

Tom's been running off to Mobile to get fries in the middle of the night.

It's not good for the marital bed.

(chuckles)

(quietly): You know, speaking of Tom, there's something I want to talk to you about.

So, Duke, we want to knock down a few of these walls, get more of an open concept feel.

That's just a few days' work, right?

Yeah. No.

We're looking at a top-to-bottomer here.

A top-to-bottomer?

Does-does that mean what I think it does?

Was your inspector Cooper O'Connell?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a lazy crook.

(gasps)

Wh...

No way you meant to put that many zeroes.

Well, you could always cheap out.

Your bed will probably crash through the ceiling.

Sleep well.

When can you start?

Hold on a second.

Maybe there's some stuff around here that I can fix myself, you know?

He's joking. He's very wry.

It's hard to tell.

No, exc...

I'll have you both know that I earned multiple merit badges at Camp Nageela.

(chuckles)

For what?

Explaining the cartoons in The New Yorker?

No, for woodworking!

And whittling.

Look, Joel, how about you do your things, okay? Poetry, cooking, Jenga.

Leave the man's work to the men, all right?

Well, thanks for the advice and the outrageous, larcenous estimate, but I'm gonna be remodeling this house myself.

Suit yourself, city boy.

Uh... uh...

Joel Stephens, you are going to be doing a lot of things by yourself if you don't get that man back here pronto!

Are you kidding me?

Pronto!

Hello, beautiful.

Kale and quinoa.

Again.

Only two more days until the final weigh-in, and then I am deep-frying anything that is not nailed down.

(laughs)

How's your day going?

Oh, it's fine.

Tried not to punch George Tucker.

Succeeded.

Oh.

You?

Elodie and Jackson got engaged.

After only four months.

I'm gonna be a bridesmaid!

Oh, A.B.

Look, I know how this must make you feel.

Actually, I'm fine.

Truth is, I pity her.

Huh. Well, you say that.

Are you sure that's what you think?

Lavon, I am fine.

We've talked about this, we've agreed.

Going back and getting all upset again would be crazy.

And I'm not.

So let's just enjoy our kale lunch and walk to spin class.

Okay?

All right.

I will not let you break my house for character research!

Come on, you've got to give me a chance, here.

Look, Tom was right.

I need to-to channel my more primal side.

You know, my-my badassy side.

And, you know, badasses, they build stuff.

Oh, my God!

I'm hiring Duke.

No, look, wait.

Just think of the money that we'll save if I do the work myself.

You know, and by the way, it's money that we're gonna need because my publisher is going to reject my book because apparently I don't know how to write anymore.

I will hire him with my own money.

Really? That's interesting.

'Cause last time I checked, you don't have any.

What is Brick paying you to be his associate? Two goats a month?

I'll have Brick make me partner again, I'll make triple what I'm making now.

Problem solved.

Well, that's definitely gonna happen.

Until...

Oh, my...!

Until then, I will start on the cabinets.

I will k*ll you if you touch another cabinet.

Fine. I'll start on the closets.

Same goes for the closets!

Fine, I'll start on the... bookshelves.

I just need to go and get some tools.

Oh!

All right.

You got your Phillips head, got your flat head, got your combination square, and that pretty little lady I call Big Mama.

Ah! Geez!

(laughs)

Did you see that?

I almost gave myself a stigmata.

Damn it, Zoe's right.

I can't remodel a house.

I... you know, I'm not even sure I can carry that tool box.

Look, man, it's easy, all right?

Literally all you do is point and sh**t.

That easy.

You just drilled a hole-- in your wall.

Yeah, it's no biggie.

I'll hang something over it.

(Wade chuckles)

You are a very manly man.

And you are a very creepy one.

No, I mean, like, you're a badass. Really.

You know... you know what you're exactly like?

Wiley Kincaid, the protagonist of my new book.

Small favor?

You mean beyond borrowing my tools?

Let me follow you around for a month.

Six weeks, tops.

No. No.

That's not happening.

Please.

I need to get inside this character.

I'm in real trouble, man.

You know, my book, my relationship, my sanity... they're all at stake.

All right, fine.

I'll let you follow me today, for one day only.

And none of this acting weird crap, okay? Hmm?

What, me?

I resent the implication.

Prepare yourself, my friend.

There's an 80% chance you'll be dead by sundown.

Oh...

(car horn honks)

(seagulls calling)

Promise you'll put this up?

There's no problem, Crickett.

Just try to breathe a little.

Okay. Right.

Hey, Crickett.

Don't yell at me!

She seem tenser than ever?

Well, it's hard to say with Crickett.

Anyway, Brick, I have brought you some yummy spelt bread.

Five grams of protein a slice.

Five!

Wow. Thanks.

And I was hoping that you'd make me partner again.

May I remind you that you gave me the practice back?

And since you've returned as an associate, I'm making more money, working less, and I get to boss you around.

Now, why on earth would I change that?

Because A: you still owe me from the whole cabaret debacle.

And B: I deserve it.

I'm a great worker.

This whole Health and Wellness Month?

My idea.

And we have already almost lost our 500 collective pounds.

You said it couldn't be done, not without a lot of amputations.

It can't, Zoe, bec...

Oh, why? Because it wasn't your idea?

No, if you would just listen to me, I'll explain why it can't happen.

Ugh. Men so stubborn and impossible.

You know what? Let's make a wager.

I get the town to their goal weight, you give me my half of the practice back.

And if you lose, you work every weekend for six months.

You're on.

Knock yourself out, kid.

(chuckles)

(blender whirrs)

Hey, Maybelline, is that a new apron?

'Cause my goodness, it brings out your eyes.

Well, good morning, you big flirt.

"And as our hero goes about his day, he stops for a nutritious snack."

I made you something special.

Wade: Oh, my goodness, you are the best.

Do you mind putting this on my tab?

Course.

My pleasure, darlin'.

Thanks, sweetheart.

You have a good day.

Wait, you have a tab at the Butterstick?

The best kind of tab, too.

The kind they don't make me pay.

(chuckles)

Oh, well... if it isn't the bride-to-be.

Hello, Elodie, ladies.

(chuckles)

More big news.

Jackson and I have decided to have a Mardi Gras wedding, so we're getting married next month.

Bridesmaid dress shopping Monday.

Next month. Wow!

Are you okay?

Maybe it was insensitive of me to ask you to be a part of my wedding party when you're still waiting on your own beau to propose.

I'm fine!

I am just wondering how we're gonna fit in all these festivities in one short month.

Oh, we will.

Though, Crickett says she's too busy to plan my bachelorette party.

You know what? I'll throw it!

Because I am just so excited to be in this wedding!

Y'all free tonight?

I will clear my schedule, A.B.

You are a darling.

I am.

Y'all better get to the bank and get some singles.

For the strippers.

You put 'em in... Never mind.

Hello, friends.

I'm Don Todd, and this is my Monster Golf Safari.

This man is a god.

George, I've come to engage your services.

What are your legal needs?

The mayor has denied my request to house exotic animals on my property.

So I need you to appeal it.

Or sue or something.

Not again with the wolverines, Tom.

Oh-ho-ho, I wish.

Now, three alpacas.

Okay, that's actually not crazy.

Not crazy like a fox.

It's me and Wanda's dream to have our own alpaca farm.

I've been saving for months for the pen.

And I've walked Delma's cats, I've weeded Sergeant Jeffries' garden.

I've taken nearly every odd job in town.

Which explains the sign.

All I need is another $372 and a license and for you to take my case pro bono.

Talk to Lavon for me.

All right, I will go talk to him.

Oh, awesome!

You are gonna love these alpacas, G.T.

So soft. (chuckles)

Hey, we'll give you the first sweater.

Oh.

Oh! That's... completely not necessary, Tom!

So... our hero gets ready for work.

What does that entail?

Well, dirty shirt comes off, clean one goes on.

But don't tell anybody that.

That's a trade secret. (laughs)

Oh, I noticed earlier that, uh, your socks don't match.

Is that some kind of antiestablishment gesture?

The gesture is... one hand goes in the sock drawer, two socks come out.

Two socks come out.

This is gold.

(knocking)

Hey, Wade.

Come here, you.

My goodness, you look pretty today.

Well, thank you.

You better pay that cable bill.

This one's pink.

Yikes. Roger that.

Oh, hey, uh, I got these, uh... these speakers that I got to return.

Now, I got a return address, but I don't have a box or tape.

No problem.

I mean, you are sweeter than a box of jelly donuts.

Get out of here before I eat you up.

(chuckles)

All right, bye, now.

Your... postal carrier personally picks up and packs your packages?

Yeah. How do you mail yours?

I go to the post office.

They still have those?

Yeah.

And two and three and down.

One and two and three and down.

One. That's it, Sergeant Jeffries.

More swivel.

Good job.

Yeah, I've been working on my form.

Brick: Oh, it's a fun class.

Dr. Hart!

My hips are loving this.

You know, the Health and Wellness month was a great idea.

I'm just sorry in advance you're gonna lose that bet.

Zoe, good news.

I found a new way into my protagonist.

I am modeling Wiley after Wade.

He's letting me follow him around for research.

Aw, man.

I was gonna read that book.

Yeah, I'm waiting for the movie.

Zoe: Well, good luck with that, Joel.

Meanwhile, I'm going to be full-fledged partner again.

So, boom!

Brick caved?

That does not seem like him.

Well, not exactly.

But he bet me that I couldn't get the town to meet their target weight.

He's so gullible.

I set the goal super easy just to help morale.

Yes! I'm back!

Yeah, you're not gonna win that bet.

I gotta agree with Wade on this one. Sorry.

(chuckles)

What?

Wait-- that sign is wrong.

Cake Fest isn't for two weeks!

No, the Belles have been going around town putting up new signs all day.

Crickett changed the date.

Obviously, Brick knew.

Beautiful day, Dr. Hart.

Sort of the icing on a beautiful week, don't you think?

I'll k*ll him.

I'll k*ll him!

Easy, easy.

What's the big deal?

It's not like anybody in this town likes pastries.

(laughs)

I'm sorry.

You know what? Why don't you just follow him into the Gulf and keep walking?

Noted.

Hey, Crickett! How are you?

Great. Never better.

How are you?

Well, I'm a little confused.

Why did you choose to move up Cake Fest?

Don't you know that Health and Wellness Month has one day left?

The past 29 days, this town has worked tirelessly on moderation and mindful consumption.

And you want to have a party where the main theme is cake?!

Yes, I realize the timing is unfortunate.

And I am sorry, Dr. Hart, but there are things a Belle leader must do that a common layperson like yourself just wouldn't understand.

Yeah. I'm just asking you to move it back a week.

Dr. Hart does have a point.

Maybe we should just...

Tut! Sadie, if the world fell off its axis and you somehow found yourself in charge of the Belles, you can make decisions.

But last time I checked, I hold the glitter gavel.

So what I say goes.

Cake Fest is tomorrow.

But... Damn it, that cake smells amazing.

(coughs)

Your hovering is hampering my enjoyment of this cardboard.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hover.

I'm actually here on business.

Of what nature?

Well, I would like to formally petition the mayor's office on behalf of Tom and Wanda Long to reconsider the decision regarding their exotic animal application.

No.

Seriously?

Lavon, alpacas, they're harmless.

They don't even have any teeth.

Lavon Hayes is mayor.

Application redenied.

Lucy: Wade Kinsella, as my favorite customer, I've got a bonus for you today.

Oh, yeah?

Zac Brown Band.

You should take your new sweetheart.

Hey, Vivian's gonna love these.

You, Lucy, are a gem.

Chuck's a fool for not seeing that.

That's what I told him, honey.

(chuckles)

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get Zac Brown Band tickets?

Zoe's mom couldn't even get us some.

Well, I mean, they're not even front row, so...

Have you slept with every woman we've met today?

I mean... not all of 'em.

Most.

Yes, yes, Joel, my young friend, I have lived, and I have lived well.

That's all behind me now, you know?

I got a serious girlfriend, a real job.

You want a story, you should have followed me around a couple years ago.

Man, that would've been a book.

But now?

I'm all domesticated and stuff.

Pretty boring.

(men arguing)

Oh, man, are you serious? Again?

Man: You go there?

You went there!

If you think you can just spoil The Sopranos like that for me, well, you got another thing coming!

Sopranos has been off the air for years!

You can't call spoilers!

I know it's been off the air for years!

What? You think I'm ignorant?

I know you are.

Hey, hey!

Break it up, all right?

This is a respectable establishment.

And I know y'all ain't gonna make me drag out my speech on civility.

No, no, no need for that.

Come on. - We're good, I swear.

Hey, that's what I thought.

We all know how The Sopranos ends, fools. (laughs)

You call that boring?

Are you kidding?

You're a cowboy, Wade.

You-You are a real cowboy.

Well... maybe I am.

(chuckles)

What do you mean, all your male entertainers are booked tonight?

You listen to me, Miguel.

I expect more from a place called "The Booty Revue."

Now, so help me, I will come down there and shove one of those banana hammocks right up your... What?

Oh, no, sir, you are being uncalled for!

A.B., what's going on in here?

I'm, uh... concerned.

Just... trying to find a stripper 'cause I am throwing Elodie a bachelorette party tonight!

All right, well, that's nice of you.

But I can't find a male entertainer or a decent venue.

And it just means that this bachelorette party's gonna be, like, the worst ever!

Sweetheart, now, if there's anyone that can put this thing together, it's you.

Oh, thank you.

Also, Lavon... darling, have you ever...?

AnnaBeth, Lavon Hayes is a man of repute, a mayor.

Not an exotic dancer.

I say no to the pole.

Hey, Shakespeare, uh, I gotta head out.

Oh, good, let me just grab my notebook.

Sorry, amigo, this stop on the Wade-Along's gotta be a solo mish.

Vivian just called.

Harley's flu broke.

And, uh, he's got a playdate with her sister, which means Viv and I get a little solo time, if you know what I mean.

Say no more.

Have fun.

I've, uh, bothered you enough already.

I'll just call my editor and tell her that I d*ed.

Dude, we only had a couple hours left. Come on.

No, really, I really should have gotten myself a backup career, you know, like... like accountant.

People always need accountants.

Hey, hey, look, you, you really want to know what it's like to live in the shoes of Wade Kinsella, hmm?

Put down the pencil and put on the shoes.

I-I couldn't.

Hey, Wanda, Joel's tending bar tonight.

Anybody orders anything you don't know, just Google it.

Just Google it.

Peace out, amigo.

Yeah, th-- hey, th-th-thank you for this opportunity.

(exhales)

Oh, thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Huh?

(gasps)

Hello.

Yeah, I'm in here.

What's going on in here?

Oh, Elodie got engaged, and I'm just so happy for her that I've decided to throw a bachelorette party.

(chuckles)

Okay, that is obviously not true at all, but before we address your mental breakdown, I need you to talk to Crickett with me.

Oh, why?

Because she moved up Cake Fest.

I noticed that-- odd choice.

Yeah, that fat and sugar parade is going to ruin my Health and Wellness Challenge, which means I won't get my partnership back, which means Joel's going to have to remodel our house, which means Joel will probably electrocute himself and die.

Oh, that's too bad.

I liked Joel.

You know, I do think he gets a bad rap, though, on the message boards for Dash's blog.

Okay, so will you help me talk to her?

Well, Crickett is much more reasonable when she's tipsy, and luckily I just bought a ton of booze in hopes, by getting people drunk, they will not notice the truly shoddy entertainment I've hired tonight.

You like bachelorette parties?

Sure.

Blue Hawaiian.

Brings out your lovely blue eyes.

Nice, that one actually made it into the glass.

Aren't you the sweetest?

Oh!

Why, thank you.

I am gonna crush you!

Hey, I am gonna destroy you!

When I'm done with you, you won't be able to eat solids for a week!

You won't be able to see straight!

Hit me, I dare you!

Come on, hit me!

I dare you!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, g-gentlemen!

Take a sh*t!

Gentlemen, stop it!

Hey, now!

Now, uh... do we, uh... do we have to talk about civility?

Get out of my way, four-eyes.

Come on, man, look.

I just, uh... I don't want to see you get hurt.

Why?

Don't you think Little Zach Druker can take care of himself, huh?

This guy?

How about I show you? Yeah.

Yeah, you, big-mouth four-eyes.

Me.

Showdown tomorrow behind the Dixie Stop at noon.

Tomorrow.

(chuckles)

Come on!

Joel?

Are you really gonna fight Little Zach?

Not a fight.

A showdown-- at high noon.

I'm a cowboy.

(indistinct chatter)

A.B., how's everything? Okay.

All right, is now a good time to talk about why you are throwing this party for that horrible girl?

Nope, I got to go get ready.

We're gonna play a game called "Pin the Junk on the Hunk."

And then I'm gonna take that pin and slit my wrists.

Oh! Bye.

(whistling)

Hello there, sir.

Hey!

See my bar's still in one piece.

How was your walk in my shoes?

So amazing.

Do you remember those two guys from before?

Little Zach and Big Tom?

They got into another scuffle.

I tried to break it up.

Didn't work.

So, me and the little one, we are fighting tomorrow in an alleyway at noon.

Wh-What?

You're fighting Little Zach?

Yeah.

Bad.

Ass.

No, Little Zach is mean.

I once saw him b*at up an old man for taking the last scone at the Butterstick.

Fighting him is a terrible idea!

Well, I threatened to give them a speech on civility, like you did, but that didn't work.

Yeah, you know why? Becau...

Because this is my speech on civility.

All right?

First time they fought, I had to ring their bells with it.

Well, that is information that would've been good to know before you left me at the bar!

(knocking)

Yeah?

Tom? Did I order a pizza?

Oh, yeah, that's not for you.

What did Lavon say?

Oh, uh, man, he said no.

Uh, I'm sorry, Tom.

I knew it was a long sh*t, but I did file some papers with the county, so...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He-he-he said no and you just let him?

No. I mean, Tom, he seemed pretty firm about it.

I am going to great lengths, long, long, Tom-Long lengths, to make this farm happen for Wanda.

The least you can do is fight the good fight with Lavon.

Okay.

You know what? You're right, you're right.

I'm gonna go over there right now.

And I will not take no for an answer.

How's that?

Good. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, go deliver that pizza before it gets cold.

(chuckling): Oh, I do so envy your innocence, George Tucker.

(women whooping)

Sadie: Come on, boys!

Take it off!

Just shake it!

Ooh, ooh!

In your, uh, trained medical opinion, how much alcohol do you need to consume to erase horrifying memories?

Some scars never heal.

(whooping)

Are you having fun?

So much fun!

Hiring Tom and Meatball was a hilarious idea.

You are such a hoot!

The humor must help you through the rough times.

But don't worry, dear!

I am sure that your time for all this is fast approaching.

Oh, you get back here!

(women clamoring)

(sighs)

Okay, so... what happens if I tell Little Zach that I won't fight him?

Well, this might surprise you, but Little Zach isn't all that clever.

He will probably call you "chicken" or "four-eye" and then knock you out.

What would you do?

This isn't about me.

Yes, true, but if some stranger in a bar challenged you to a showdown, even if you knew that you were gonna get your ass kicked...

I'd fight him anyway.

Okay, fine.

Then that's-that's what I have to do.

Look, Joel, have you ever even thrown a punch?

No.

But you're gonna teach me how.

How do you...?

(clears throat)

(women whooping)

Crickett?

Have I told you how beautiful that color is on you?

Thank you.

Do you know what it reminds me of?

A gold filling.

Like the one BlueBell's gonna need to get after eating all your sugary cakes.

I can't change it!

I wish I could, but I can't, okay?

Why not?

Because.

Mind your own beeswax is why!

Oh!

(groans)

(gasps)

Too many tequila.

I... n-need doctor.

Don Todd: Today we're setting up base camp at the base of Mt. Kilimanjaro.

(laughs)

Where the atmosphere is so thin that the ball just explodes off the club face.

Not unlike a... a man's eyeball who's this high above sea level.

Okay! Everything's going black!

(door opens)

It's going black!

(door closes)

Why don't they give small town mayors secret service?

George, what do you want?

Lavon, I am done tiptoeing around you.

Why did you deny Tom and Wanda's application?

Because I did.

Alpacas are dangerous.

Lavon, you have a pet alligator.

Okay? What the hell's going on here, man?

Wanda asked me to do her a favor.

She doesn't want the damn alpacas.

She was afraid to tell Tom.

Well, that's good to know.

And no need to tiptoe around me.

If I wanted to turn your face inside out, I would've.

You would've tried.

Good point. Good point.

See you around, Lavon.

Yeah.

I have not felt this bad since the Delta Sig Redneck Ball my sophomore year.

Here.

AnnaBeth, who cares that Elodie found some other nitwit to marry?

It's not a competition.

You're right.

I know you're right.

And we are taking steps.

Last week, he got me my own toothbrush holder.

See? Progress.

And we've agreed to taking it slow.

And I'm fine with waiting.

I told him I was fine with waiting.

So, you're not?

I don't know. I just...

He has all the power.

And all I can do is sit around and wait for him to change his mind.

(retching nearby)

(coughing)

Right, but so what if you're alone forever?

At least you didn't bankrupt the Belles.

Oh, Crickett, no.

Cake Fest is a moneymaker.

I need that money to pay our charter dues, or it's hasta la vista, Belles.

They will k*ll me.

Well, at least that explains things.

(hiccups)

Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have some cakes to bake.

(people talking, laughing)

All right, it's the last day of the challenge, the bike ride!

Let's loosen up those hammies, people!

Meatball: Oh, man.

I forgot what deliciousness looked like.

So you're really going through with this?

Cellulite wins again.

How could you bankrupt the Belles?

Shh!

I spent our cash reserves buying the Belles' love.

Spa days, makeovers, designer handbags.

A lottery for a Hawaiian vacation.

Oh, Crickett.

Oh, I'm really sorry about your health month.

Zoe: Well... we'll just pre-burn those cake calories.

All right, guys, we're gonna finish strong!

50 miles instead of 20!

Let's do this thing!

...Sorry, doc.

Those Hummingbird cakes look too good.

Sayonara, health food!

Come on!

Wade: All right, here we go, buddy, come on.

All right, all right, here we go.

Whoa, whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whatever you do, don't tuck your thumbs into your fists, all right?

You'll break them, not him.

Little Zach's gonna k*ll me, isn't he?

Yeah.

(sighs)

Look, Joel, maybe it's time to face facts, all right?

You're not a badass or a cowboy, and you shouldn't try to be.

But you, Joel Stephens, as you are... should be happy.

Right? You're-you're a smart dude, you got a great girl.

Great career.

I- I should probably be following you around.

Well, I'm kidding, but...

But what about Little Zach, though?

He's gonna be looking for me.

Don't worry about it, all right?

I'll take care of him.

(sighing): Oh, good.

'Cause I-I probably do need my hands... for typing.

Right. Okay.

I don't get it!

So why don't we get our permit?

It-It's complicated, Tom.

You are a bad, mean mayor!

(Wanda gasps)

George: Okay. Hold on.

Wanda... is there anything you'd like to say here?

Okay, fine!

Tom, I don't want alpacas.

Their eyes are too big and they scare me.

They don't even have teeth!

But I knew how much you wanted them.

So I asked Lavon not to give us the permit.

(stammering)

They are not scary, Wanda.

They're cute.

I mean, think of the wool!

Think of the sweaters!

Think of the Kleenex box cozies!

No...

I...

I'll do everything.

I'll feed them, and I'll walk them, and I...

No.

I-I'll love them.

No way.

(chuckles)

Think our work's done, yes?

Yeah.

Yeah, think so, and, uh... and us?

Okay, look: I am sorry about Lynly.

I really did like her, but I should've been honest with you from the start.

And... yeah, I probably could have ended things with her... a little earlier.

Yeah, well... she probably would've b*rned Tansy's hair off anyway, so, uh, lesson learned?

Lessons learned.

(laughing): Indeed.

Indubitably.

(laughing)

Brick: Oh, Dr. Hart.

Is that frosting on your cheek, or-or your tears making your mascara run?

Fine.

I surrender.

From the way this town has taken to shoving cake in their faces, you have obviously won the bet.

I remain your humble servant, my house stays in shambles, and the Belles live to see another day.

So you'll, uh, be on call this weekend.

I'm gonna go visit Lemon and my mother.

Poor things.

Yeah.

You got it, boss.

Or maybe I'll take a long weekend in Bermuda.

(sighs)

AnnaBeth?

Sweetheart?

Oh...

(moans)

(chuckles)

I heard you had yourself quite a night.

Yeah, tequila is Satan's drink of choice.

Yeah.

Well, don't worry.

You'll feel better after you eat something greasy.

Actually, I don't think I will.

Lavon, can we talk?

Well, howdy there, cowboy.

I thought you would be, I don't know, at the rodeo or remodeling some stables.

Fine, okay.

I realize I, uh, went a little crazy.

Of course we can hire a contractor.

I'll pay whatever we need to.

Well, you'll have to, because I lost the bet.

(laughs)

Well, I'm sorry that I even suggested that I, uh, do it myself.

Um...

Tom is right.

I should probably scrap my whole book and just start from scratch.

Leave the cowboy writing to the real cowboys.

Joel Stephens, no, you are wrong.

Your way with words, your brain, your courage to face every day knowing you could go into anaphylactic shock from mold or-or pollen or peanuts... that is pretty badass, my friend.

I know that you can write a great book.

I believe in you.

Thank you.

You know what? I gotta do something.

Wait!

What-what kind of something?

(shouting) Thanks for being on time, guys!

Let's make this quick so we can get some pizza after this!

Yeah!

(chanting): Fight! Fight!

Let's do this!

Yeah!

All right, now, let's show him who's boss.

You ready to do this?

Hey, Wade.

I got no beef with you.

I'm waiting for your friend.

Yeah, well, he's not coming.

Wh... your pal dissed Little Zach.

He has to pay.

With all due respect, sir.

Look, it's over, man, all right?

Let me buy you a drink.

Well, a bunch of drinks, all right?

Come on.

I like the beard, man.

You look great.

Well, hello... four-eyes.

(laughing): Four-eyes!

It's amazing, as if on cue!

All right, it's all right.

Well, how you doing there... shrimpy?

Wade, did you see that?

I hit that guy, just like you taught me!

I see what you meant by thumbs out, though; that really...

(yelling)

My God!

I'm gonna k*ll you, four-eyes!

(yelling)

Next time, we're gonna work on defense, all right?

(yelling)

He's so angry!

He's so angry!

Okay.

♪ Long ago when I was young ♪
♪ Faith alone could make no more ♪
♪ Oh, my God ♪
♪ Oh, my God...

Thanks for helping out.

Oh, I know all about making mistakes, believe me.

There you go.

One cookies and cream for Sheriff Bill.

I promise to run twice as far tomorrow.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

Health and Wellness Month is pretty much over.

But a health and wellness lifestyle can last a healthy lifetime.

Totally.

♪ Be my soul ♪
♪ That never could see ♪
♪ You said in your heart ♪
♪ Be still your goals ♪
♪ That never could breach ♪
♪ The walls of your... ♪
♪

George.

You look nice today.

Can I get you a table? Coffee?

I'm not here for coffee.

Well, then, what?

We should go out sometime.

Okay.

I-I guess I still don't understand.

We are making progress.

I-I got you the new toothbrush holder.

And I appreciate it, I do.

I get that you've been b*rned before.

That you want to take it slow.

But I'm 31 years old.

And we've been together a year.

And I knew... in just one month, with absolute certainty, that you are the love of my life.

Well, good.

So what's the problem?

(laughs)

Well, there doesn't have to be a problem.

I mean, I'll wait to get married ten years, 100, forever...

...if you can tell me one thing.

After nearly 365 days together, do you know for sure if I am the love of your life?

I love you.

So much.

Well, I guess... there's nothing else to say, then, is there?

♪ No way out ♪
♪ I can see the morning coming ♪

(audience cheering)

(Zoe gasps)

Oh, my God, what happened?

Well, your cowboy got in his first gunfight.

Lucky for him, he's got a doctor in his corner.

Thanks.

Honey, we need to get you some ice for that.

And then we need to talk about where we're gonna live, 'cause Duke said that the remodel is going to take two months.

And I'm not going back to the Whippoorwill.

Zoe, I just got my ass kicked.

I got clocked in the face.

It's kind of sexy, right?

Come here.

(laughing)

(cheering)