01x01 - The Cup Runneth Over

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(Birds chirp)

(Doorbell rings)

(Footsteps echo)

(Doorbell rings)

(Footstep clomp)

(Doorbell rings twice, quickly)

(Doors creaks open)

Immigration?

Revenue agent: Revenue.

Missus Rose! There are people here from the government!

(Rushed footsteps thud)

(Moira screams shrilly)

I've been gutted!

John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life!

Johnny: Well, how do you think I feel, Moira?!

Eli was family, for God's sake!

Leave your finances to me, he said! Son of a b*tch!

Alexis: Baby, it's crazy, people are just like, taking our stuff!

I said, they're taking our stuff!

Can you just step out of the club for a second, ple...

Hold on, hold on! Those bags are not for you, my boyfriend bought those for me, so, theoretically, they are his!

Revenue agent 1: Please sir, can you step aside?

David: No, you step aside! You step aside!

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life!

Destroy another person's life!

Where are you taking that?!

My very soul has been kidnapped, there's no ransom, no one's coming to save me!

Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals, can we pick up the pace?!

Moira: No, no!

Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other!

Nooooo! Nooooo! (Sobbing)

Lawyer: Eli really did a number, Johnny.

He took everything.

They're still looking for him, they think he's in the Caymans.

He was our business manager, he's supposed to pay taxes!

Hmm.

There is a very small amount set aside for you, and one asset the government has allowed you to retain.

The kids.

Lawyer: The children are dependents, Moira.

You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.

Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.

Wait, you actually purchased that town?

Yes, I purchased the town, how else could I get the deed?

Alexis: You could've photo shopped the deed!

David: And saved the money!

Why would I Photoshop a deed, the joke was owning the town!

Moira: Okay, stop.

Johnny: That was the joke!

David: Oh my God!

Johnny: Well, that was the joke!

Lawyer: To Johnny's credit...

This town just might be your saving grace, at least for a while.

Moira: What do you mean?

You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet.

I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into, please, there are other options.

Well, homelessness is still on the table.

♪

Alexis: The whole time I was surrounded by old women wearing visors, who smelled like yams!

There was nowhere to lie down!

There was nowhere to lie down, there was no bed!

There was no kitchen.

I know!

No.

I don't know what to tell you, there's like, cows all over the place, like, everywhere.

I don't know if there's even a station,

I don't know what's happening!

(Clears throat) Johnny Rose!

Roland Schitt.

Oh, you're the mayor we're supposed to meet.

That's right, I'm the mayor, so if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine!

(Chortles)

Oh, this is my family, my son...

Let's get you all squared away in the office there, Johnny, okay, the gals can grab the bags, you follow me, all right, right this way, watch it, honey, here we come.

Alexis: The "Cheaters" marathon we watched, it's like that.

Moira: Children, keep an eye on these bags.

Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!

Alexis: David, what are we...

David: Shut up!

Alexis: You shut up!

David: You shut up!

Alexis: Um, you shut up!

David: You shhhut up!

The name is Rose.

I don't see a reservation under that name.

It's okay, Stevie, I set aside two rooms for them.

Well, there's nothing here.

Well okay, fine, just book 'em in with two rooms, these people own the town; They're big deals.

We'll need three rooms, minimum.

Roland: Ooh, no can do, honey.

Look, we have a one room comp policy here, and I am personally throwing in an extra room out of sheer decency, so...

What about suites? Do you have a couple of suites?

This guy!

Um...

No, this is a motel, so we cater more to off road truckers and drunk teenagers.

Moira: Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room any room! I just want a bathtub, and a long extension cord, please.

Roland: There you go, ma'am.

(Suitcases and boxes thud)

It smells like a gym bag.

Moira: Does anyone else feel light headed?

Roland: Oh my God, this takes me back to high school.

You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place.

Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, this place would just light up!

Okay, that's good.

Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

David: Oh my God. Oh my God!

Oh hey, chief, the other room's right through there.

(Keys jingle)

Here you go.

(Relaxed grunt)

Moira: And there's the bed,

I should probably pull off that cover, and... burn it.

Roland: All right.

Good, Roland, thank you very much, appreciate everything, uh...

T.V. announcer: ... Have a ball in the land down under!

Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?

Okay.

(Changing channels)

Alexis: Okay.

Okay.

David: Oof!

Alexis: Okay, okay. (Giggles)

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay!

Okay. Okay. I love you!

Oh, okay, well, it looks like you got all the channels except for Channel 19 for some reason. I don't know why.

Well, the thing is we won't be watching a lot of television, but again, thank you, I don't want to keep you, I know you're a busy man.

(Static hisses)

(Gasps)

(Muffled retch)

Whoa!

(Door creaks)

Hi.

Can I help you?

David: I'm looking for an extra towel,

Stevie: Okay...

And this might be a stupid question, considering the state of the rugs in our room, but do you have a business centre here?

Yes, we do have a business center.

You can find it right outside the doors to your left, right beside the hammam spa.

Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it?

David: Thank you, no, just the towel, thanks.

I'll get those right out.

(g*nshots, dramatic music on television)

Well Roland, once again, thank you for giving us the lay of the land here, but we have some serious unpacking to do.

Oh, sure!

Johnny: If you don't mind.

No problem there, Johnny, I don't mind helpin' out.

Listen, one thing before I go here, um...

Do you mind if I use your toilet?

Moira: Is it absolutely necessary?

Roland: Uh, yeah, I would say it's absolutely necessary!

(Laughs) Excuse me.

Absolutely necessary.

Yes, that train has left the station, if you know what I mean! (Chuckles)

David: I need that bed.

Alexis: Why?

David: Because I need it.

Alexis: Why?

Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to m*rder us, they would attack this bed first, so I need this bed.

So you're saying that you want me to get m*rder*d first?!

In front of you? And then what would you do?

Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out...

On the floor?!

Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

Alexis: Okay. Well, you can have the bed when I leave.

David: Well, where are you going?

Alexis: Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.

What do you mean Stavros is com...

What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?

Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

Well, where are we going?

Okay, at present, he's just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.

What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit soaked dump, to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?!

Um, David, it will be four months next month!

Oh my God!

And he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad, have you told them?

Alexis: No! No David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity.

Okay, otherwise dad's gonna cry, and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong, and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

Well, I need this bed! I need it, so.

You know what, David?!

You get m*rder*d first for once!

No, you get m*rder*d first!

David, you get m*rder*d first!

David: No, you! You do it!

Alexis: Yes, you get m*rder*d first! David, you get m*rder*d first!

(Door creaks open)

I actually think this place is kinda cute.

Moira: Did you say cute?

No Alexis, Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

David: Where's that weird man?

Where?

He's in the bathroom.

He... he won't leave!

Well, he's been in there for a very long ti...

Oh my God! Oh my God!

(Toilet flushes)

Roland: Jeez. Um... Boy.

Remind me to get that window fixed.

It will not open.

Roland, listen, thank you very much, but I appreciate everything you've done, we need a little private time now, as a family.

Sure, well actually, those curtains do close there so...

Oh, look! You've got Channel 19!

Roland, could you get the f*ck out?!

T.V. announcer: This latest model is a revelation in innovation.

I am not lying folks, it's gonna last you a lifetime.

You are gonna thank...

(TV clicks off)

That was an overreaction. That was uncalled for.

It's just... you know, we're a little tired, it's been a long day, there's a pharmacy worth of dr*gs wearing off on most of us right now, and I just think as a family, we just need a little time to chill.

Johnny, please, you don't have to apologize, and you really don't have to hit me over the head with this sort of thing, I get it, you need your little family time and all that, I'm sure.

No problem.

You know what I'll do, I'll um...

I'll just get the f*ck out of here.

(Door slams, shade rattles forcefully)

David: Ugh, we have to eat in here?!

Alexis: I think it's kinda sweet.

Alexis, what's going on with you?

Alexis: What do you mean?

Moira: Seriously?!

The room was "cute," this place is "sweet."

David: I am personally offended by this place, I don't know what you think is nice about it.

Moira: The town is disgusting. It is gruesome.

Alexis: It is charming, it is quaint, it's like out of a storybook.

Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?!

Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me, and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.

Well, that is not happening.

And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore!

Oh, hello!

Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today.

Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy.

Super crappy?

I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money.

It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything.

Hm... not quite the same.

Yeah, no, he went to prison, which is terrible, but...

But he is learning Spanish, no mas, le duele!

I think it means, "stop, it hurts."

Oh, wonderful anecdote.

Could you give us a moment please?

Whenever you're ready, I'm just right over here.

I forbid you to abandon our family.

I am a grown woman, mother.

This is an act of a spoiled child!

I think it's unforgivable!

Alexis: I think that you're just super jealous,

'cause I'm getting out of here!

Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow.

David: Don't do that!

Johnny: Kids, stop, stop!

Moira: The world is falling apart around us John, and I'm dying inside.

Johnny: Well, I'm feeling a little queasy myself.

Oh, brisket!

David: Give me... some spale!

Alexis: David!

Moira: John...

Moira: Oh my God!

Alexis: Umm...

These rooms did have doors, didn't they?

Yeah, it's a hotel, they're hotel rooms!

It's a motel! These are motel rooms.

What if they took our stuff?!

David: What stuff? There's no stuff to take.

I have stuff!

Son of a b*tch!

(Door slams)

Yeah, I've got a problem.

If this is about doors...

Yeah, it's about doors, yeah, my doors are gone, my front door, somebody stole my doors!

Stevie: Yeah, you're gonna have to talk to Roland about that.

He lives just down the street, you make a left out of the motel and then another left.

It's a house with a truck in the driveway.

There's a bumper sticker of a naked Helen Mirren.

(Moira screams) Oh my God, no! No! No!

Alexis: What?!

Ah! My earrings! They were there.

They're not there!

David: Where did they go?

I don't know!

I don't know! First you threatened to abandon me, and now my precious diamonds are gone!

Okay, you are super dramatic right now.

Shut up and look for them! (Shrieks)

(Whimpers, shrieks)

(Screaming repeatedly)

(Screams)

(Sobbing hysterically)

Get open!

(Dog barks)

Johnny: Roland, I see you behind the truck!

Yeah, of course you see me.

I'm looking at my gravel.

Gravel these days, what are you gonna do?

Johnny: Yeah, it's gravel.

Roland: Yeah, it's gravel!

Hey, good news for you.

I talked to a guy about that bathroom window.

That's the least of my concerns right now!

Oh really? Well, why don't we address your concerns?!

The doors! I want my doors back!

Roland: Oh!

Johnny: Before it gets dark!

My son is afraid of moths.

Oh, hmm. Well, here's the thing about that Johnny, you see, you did a bad thing.

You disrespected me in front of your family!

And now they think less of me.

I doubt that's possible.

And to be honest, you were kinda breathing down our necks a little bit back at the motel.

Johnny, when I was a kid and I did a bad thing, my father took the doors off my room.

And he said to me, "Roland, privacy is earned."

I am having a tough time following that.

What the hell does that have to do with privacy?

Nothing. I just got mad, and I took your doors.

Look, if you took offense to anything I said back at the motel, just know it wasn't personal.

All right, apology accepted.

Well, that was less of an apology, and more of an explanation.

Nevertheless, I accept your apology.

Which it wasn't!

So thank you again for that apology.

Well, there was no apology, and I can't do this anymore!

You said you're sorry in a very sweet and humble way, and that takes a big man to do that, and that's what Johnny Rose is! A big man! Ooh!

Moira: Oh! (Banging)

Hello! Hello!

Hi, hello, come here, please.

I don't suppose you saw any hobos or crackheads loitering around the hotel today?

No crackheads, no...

While the rooms were exposed to the world like a Moroccan fair, someone got in here and stole my earrings.

But it was just... but it was just you here today.

Stevie: It was.

Moira: It was.

I'm assuming you were the only one here on the premises today?

I think I know where you're going with this.

No, I'm simply confirming that you alone were here when the earrings were stolen.

Are you asking me if I stole your earrings?

No, I would never, please!

But I also would certainly never press charges if my earrings were suddenly to be returned.

If they suddenly reappeared, if you gave them back I would not press charges, I would look the other way.

Okay, you know what? I gotta run.

'Cause I wanna hit the pawn shop before it closes.

I owe my crack dealer a ton of money, so.

You seem like you have this under control, though.

David: What just happened?!

Moira: David, I politely asked that concierge girl if she had stolen my earrings, and she turned ice cold, and now she's on her way to a pawn shop!

David: What?! I need a towel!

Hello, hi.

Hi, I am sorry if my mom accused you of taking something.

Stevie: It's fine.

Okay, but does this mean that when you're cleaning our rooms, you're gonna put weird stuff in our beds out of spite, or something?

I won't be cleaning your room.

Okay, can I ask you a question?

sh**t.

I think you're kind of rude!

Is that a question?

I have asked you thrice now for a towel, so that I may wash this town off my body.

Do you think I wanna be here?

Do you think I wanna be here?!

I don't know what you want, you've given me one word answers since I got here!

So if I get you a towel you'll stop following me to my car?

Yes! Yes!

Fine, but I'm only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.

The man is a lunatic!

What the hell happened here?

We've been robbed.

Right now some local is pawning my earrings for crank.

Johnny: Your diamonds?!

Moira: Yes, my diamonds, the one thing I could hide under my tongue.

Moira, I took your earrings out of here, and I put them in my shoe. For safekeeping.

Alexis: No! No! (Anguished sob)

Stavros just texted me.

And he ended it, he's not coming!

He said he doesn't have time to come and get me, because he already rsvp'd to Diddy's white party, and doesn't have time to do both!

But I was supposed to be his date to the white party!

Alexis, he was never my favourite Stavros.

I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my sixtieth.

Just out of sheer curiosity, um, where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute?

Like, is it still cute, or is it...

You're a d*ck, David!

David: Oh, I'm a d*ck!

Okay, did I dump you for a party?!

Johnny: David, help me with the doors.

No I can't, I just got out of the shower.

I need help with the doors.

David: Oh my God!

Alexis: David, help him with the doors!

David: You help him with the doors!

Alexis: No!

David, could you help me with the doors?!

It's air drying!

Pick up a hammer, and nail this coffin shut!

As if I didn't see this coming.

He's broken up with me five times already.

Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio,

and remember that time that he gave me his ex wife's engagement ring?

And then, last summer, that time that he left his Molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested?

Oh my God! Can you do me a huge favour?

And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay?

David: Okay? Okay.

Alexis: Okay.

Kids, we just came in to say good night, and to remind you that we will get through this...

David: Okay, good night!

Johnny: As a family...

David: Warmest regards to you both.

And that will end up on our feet in no time!

Of course, by then our feet will be shoeless, and filthy and mangled, from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles.

So, seriously Alexis, enough about Stavros!

I'm sorry if I am going through something right now!

David: You're going through something?!

Moira: Good night, children.

Johnny: Good night!

David: Good night.

Alexis: (Tearfully) Good night.

Moira: Let's all pray we don't wake up.