01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[man speaking French]

[camera shutter clicking]

Right here. Yeah, baby.

[man speaks French]

[belches]

Pardonne moi.

Hi.

I'm Salem, and I'm an alcoholic.

Crowd: Hi, Salem.

I'm talking.

It's been a long road, this road to recovery. It seems like just yesterday Dr. Skip was jamming that tube down my throat yelling, "Salem! How many blackjacks did you shebang?" And now, here I am.

However long it's been later.

10 years!

It's been 10 years!

Being forced to check out of rehab.

You know, when Dr. Skip told me Promising Journeys was closing down because some stupid Indians had demanded their stupid sacred land back, my first thought was, Indian givers. But thanks to my sponsor Helene...

My name is Karen.

And the super powers given to me by the Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ, I started to understand what this rodeo's been about.

You're all jealous of me. And you have reason to be.

Where you going, Helene? Come back here.

Am I a supermodel? Yes. Have I vomited on every continent? Twice. Was I flying in a G5 when I got HPV from Patrick Swayze? Best Thanksgiving ever.

But without the use of dr*gs and alcohol, the Lord and I find your envy unbearable.

You people with your, "My dad touched me when I was 7" and "I have a very demanding surgical practice", please. My mother tried to get an ab*rtion in the delivery room.

I walked a runway during Bahrain fashion week wearing nothing but a clear plastic burka and my bikini wax. But do I b*tch like Mr. Miyagi over there? Do I gargle a million dicks just so I can feel something like Shelly?

It's okay, Shelly.

No. I'm an American. I pick myself up off the ground, I put my underwear back on and I say, "f*ck you, assholes. I'll find my own way home."

You may applaud.

Oh, Christ.

Great.

Thanks for sharing, Salem. Time to start your new life.

Once you've found a place, I'd like to come check on you.

You know what was invented in Los Angeles?

The lap dance, the French dip, and Salem Rogers.

This whole town's my place.

Thank you.

The Beast! She still runs!

Oh...

But you're gonna need a plan to stay clean, so where are you going to go?

You know my grandmother Mary always said plans are for the weak and Canadian.

When the fashion world hears I'm back, it'll be all famous lovers and sh**ting covers.

Ah.

Remember, one day at a time.

Right on, tampon.

Oh, thank Christ!

[cheering]

♪ I've got a girl that's been on my mind ♪
♪ I just been thinking about her all this time ♪
♪ I tell her something, something sweet ♪
♪ I tell her something that I like to repeat ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪

Salem Rogers Model of the Year - 01x01
Pilot

♪ She got it ♪

Mmm.

Gorgeous.

Atta girl.

Responsible party: Agatha Todd.

Raggie!

[sighs]

I'm not my mistakes.

I'm a love spreading difference maker.

I am a love spreading difference maker. Okay.

Help me out here, Cash.

Cash, you're so wise.

Agatha?

You are not still pining over Cash Bannister, are you?

Hi, Deena.

It was one night in Sedona.

[gasps]

What happened?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's, like, a stress pimple. It's okay.

You should masturbate.

It alleviates tension, and you can do it anywhere.

Thanks.

Look at that, another Aggie Boyle book up on the shelf.

Huh? I mean, who knew there would be a self-help market for tweens?

I did.

Me, too. Teamwork.

Okay, so...

My new book...

What's Aggie Boyle up to this time?

Not Aggie Boyle.

[grumbles]

Look, Dana, I am ready to hatch out of my chrysalis and fly into the world of adult self-help.

Check this out.

My Bully, My Friend.

How to Bully your enemies into friendship.

Mm-hmm.

By life coach Agatha Todd.

You, a life coach.

Yeah. Adults are bullied all the time, by their boss, their spouse, that nasty high school girl that works at the gas station.

The Todd Method empowers you to bully back with patience and love.

Bullying with love.

Sounds like something a r*pist might say.

Ah, but r*pe only sells in Japan.

There are only two ways to make it in today's self-help market: a hot guru or a recovering celebrity train wreck.

It's all about the fame game, baby.

And you are not a player.

You know, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have to yell at you if you could just yell at yourself.

Love ya.

Hi, Agatha.

Ready for the meet and greet?

Oh, hey, Ronald.

Yeah. Wow, the store looks beautiful.

Thank you.

Takes one to know one.

So, how is the turnout?

Biggest one yet.

Oh.

Your books touch so many people's lives.

Thank you.

I was thinking maybe I could take you for a bite to eat in the food court after work.

They've got one of these Asian places.

So...

Y-yeah, sure.

Be bold, young dreamer.

Oh, hi.

I've always said these books are good for girls of any age.

You remind me of my son.

Uh-huh.

Your son must have had very thick wrists and been one hell of a woman.

You're welcome.

Hi, Raggie.

Salem?

What are you doing here?

I'm out of Promising Journeys. Who are all these geeks?

And why are you dressed like that Nifty's mannequin?

You know that store's for the elderly, right?

I have that pocketbook.

It holds all my pills.

See what I mean? Come on, let's go right some wrongs and then party 'til we're tits down on the dance floor like the old days.

How did you even know I was here?

It was on your fridge.

You were in my house?

How did you get in my house?

[clicks tongue]

Agatha, it's time for the reading.

You know, you're not the boss of her.

I am.

Salem, I am not your assistant anymore, okay?

That was a long time ago.

Raggie...

It's Agatha.

Ragatha?

Agatha... Salem, I don't know if your time in rehab led to any meaningful changes in your life, but I have evolved into my best, most authenticized self, far beyond just being an assistant.

So, I wish you success on your journey.

Bye-bye.

Aggie sat down at her usual table near the faculty restroom when all of a sudden a voice echoed across the cafeteria: "You stink, Raggie!"

It was 7th grade bully Harmony St. Song, and here crew of populistas.

"Laugh all you want, Harmony," Aggie cried, but someday, when you've become your most authenticized self, you'll wanna be my friend.

And you know what the answer will be?

Yes, because I am a...

All: love spreading difference maker.

Yes!

You wrote books about me.

Salem?

You left me to rot in a mental hospital while you got rich writing books about me!

No, it was a resort rehab in Malibu.

There was an infinity pool with a swim-up-to spa.

I mean, I wanted to be an addict so I could move in there.

These books, these books are not about you.

Okay, they are actually about me.

Do you know this person?

I'm her boss, string bean.

You're not my boss, and Harmony St. Song could be anyone.

Hey, Rag, what did you do?

Go to the dentist and have your teeth yellowed?

I asked you that in confidence.

Time to go.

Oh, pop your breaks, stick shift.

You know what, Salem, this is how you do it, guys.

You are being a bully, so please leave.

Oh, abandoning me again.

Let's go, Ma'am.

Salem...

Hey! You know what?

Last I checked, this was America, and Jesus died so we'd have the right to stand anywhere we g*dd*mn please.

Ma'am, you're gonna need to leave or...

Or what, Lean Cuisine? You'll what?

[screaming]

And stay out.

[gagging]

Don't you know who I am? I'm... just, will you tell him, Rags?

I'm a love spreading difference maker. I'm a love spreading difference maker.

[laughs]

Oh, God.

Shut the f*ck up, okay?

Just shut the f*ck up!

[gasping]

Oh, I was... Oh my God, I'm sorry.

Salem, I was not acting as my best self.

Give me a ride, we'll call it even.

Where's your car?

[sighs]

Okay, I will take you home.

Tits!

My stuff's already at your place.

♪ Los Angeles ♪

There she is.

What did you do to my fence?

I'm pretty sure it was already like that.

I'm getting your things and taking you back to Promising Journeys.

[belches]

I can't go back, Rags.

The Indians demanded their land back from Dr. Skip so he had to shut it down.

What?

And you know what?

The people there, they didn't understand me.

They judged me for being pretty and skinny and they really hated the fact that I could still drink.

We are going to go to my modeling agency, get back the Victoria's Secret contract that whorenado Heidi Klum stole from me, move back to Paris, and live the privileged consequence free life that beautiful white and light-skinned black women are entitled to.

Oh my God.

And you get to help me.

You can drive me around.

I'll live in your house.

We'll be best friends together again.

Best friends?

Yes.

I was your over-worked, under-appreciated assistant who you bullied around.

Bullied around the world.

Rags, come on.

I took you to Japan, Belize, Quebec.

You had sex with the drummer from Creed in a dojo.

Scott Phillips.

Mm-hmm.

He was such a gentleman.

Mm-hmm.

No, you know what?

I have a career now, I have self-esteem.

I suggest that you use this second chance to find out who you are on the inside.

That's great advice.

It is.

For ugly people.

You can't be a supermodel. You're 36.

Next to you, I look 26.

That's why I need you by my side when we get to the agency.

When Roberto sees that his star is back, we'll be on the next flight to Paris.

You're delusional. Nobody cares.

I'm Salem f*ckin' Rogers, Model of the Year 1998.

People will always care. I'm hot and I'm famous.

Oh, you're famous! Woopdie-doo!

Another famous celebrity trainwreck!

Oh, I'm a celebrity trainwreck?

I'm sorry, I don't think you can call somebody who was once engaged to Jason Priestly in the height of his power a trainwreck.

You know what your problem is?

Let me be your life coach.

Are you hitting on me?

Let me help you realize your personal, spiritual, and professional goals.

So you'll be my assistant?

No.

Life-assistant.

Will I assist you in finding your life's path to stop being a bully and become a successful human being?

Yes.

Will you hold my hair back when I puke?

It depends on the circumstances.

I'm gonna take that as a yes.

Okay, so go in there and act as...

I got it.

If...

Act as if.

It's living as thought what you want is already yours, so you act as if you're a famous supermodel.

I am a famous supermodel.

Exactly.

Go. I'll be right up.

Hello?

Dana, it's me, Agatha. Listen...

Who?

Agatha Todd.

Listen, um, you know, I had an idea about the book.

Ugh, what I could teach these girls about inner beauty.

Hello. Hi. Who hurt you?

Tell 'em we're here, Rags.

Okay.

Hello, Miss.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sir.

Um, we are here to see Roberto.

Sir, I know it's not your intention, but I am feeling minimized.

Oh, f*ck this.

Roberto van Goth.

Holy Chanel, Salem Rogers.

I think I just got a partial. Kidding.

You're gross. Kidding.

I see things haven't changed a bit.

Hey, it's boniva.

All the cocaine ate away at my bone density.

My, my, it's been a while.

Kitten.

What's that?

My assistant Raggie.

Former assistant. Agatha Todd.

We met years ago.

Oh, yes, the one with the clean urine.

Thank you, by the way.

Wait... how did you get my...

I'm back, Bobby.

You wanna call Donatella or should I?

Salem, you show up out of nowhere, old, and expect me to get you a job with Versace?

They'd sooner hire Miss Piss over there.

I am a life coach and published self-help author.

Help yourself to some concealer.

Bobby, I'll do a couple smaller shows in Paris.

Salem, the only runway you'll ever touch in Paris is at the airport.

I'll do New York Fashion Week.

But that's as low as I'll go.

[snaps]

How about headlining the Nifty's Summer of Scarves fashion event at the mall tomorrow?

[laughing]

No. Carol Alt was going to do it, but she hurt herself rollerblading.

It can be your swan song as a model, and we'll part as friends.

Bobby, I was voted Model of the Year 1998.

I was a Victoria's Secret angel until that whorenado Heidi Klum...

Heidi nothing!

Two days before your first Victoria's Secret sh**t, a judge sentenced you to rehab or jail.

Own it.

I am a supermodel.

There are no more supermodels.

It's all starlets and real people.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I'm sorry, Kitten, but it's Nifty's or nothing.

Salem, Salem.

Headlining a model fashion show may not rebuild your career, but it's the humble beginning you need to rebuild your self-esteem.

My first reading of an Aggie Boyle book was at a library to three homeless people.

And now, look at me.

Every waterfall starts with a flake of snow.

Whatever.

Make the deal, Bobby.

Yes.

Didn't you die?

A few times.

Didn't stick.

Hookah Cartwright.

Hope you make a better secretary than you did a model.

Well, I'm not a secretary.

I'm the best agent Roberto has.

You know, you have a lot of nerve talking to me after the crap you pulled.

Me?

Yes, you.

You stole my boyfriends for fun, you greased my shoes before runway shows, and you told every photographer and designer you worked with that my clitoris was actually a tiny penis.

That was you, Salem.

That's what you did to me.

Touché.

Salem, you have to apologize.

Hmm.

Yes, Salem. Listen to you mother.

Hey, I'm on your side!

Oh, I don't need some has-been's assistant standing up for me.

Unless it's to get a coffee.

Ooh!

I'll take a double-iced espresso.

Americano for me, Rags.

Soy chai latte, two Splendas.

Write it down.

You are all rude, selfish...

Hey, no assistant of mine...

I am not your assistant!

You spent 10 years in rehab and you are the same self-centered, arrogant bully that you were when I actually was your assistant.

Good luck with your modeling career, because I am sure that Anne Klein can't wait to hire a 36-year-old whorenado.

And you know what, Salem?

Harmony St. Song was based on you.

The only thing I left out is that she didn't have gonorrhea!

Bye-bye.

Okay then.

Anne Klein?

[growls]

[phone rings]

What?

Agatha?

You don't sound so good.

Oh, yes, well, um...

Who cares. Keychain is giving you the green light.

Your Bully Your Bully book is a go.

Shh.

Gonna be a first person account of you turning that sasquatch Salem Rogers from your bully to your BFF.

You should have told me you had a famous bully.

That's a game changer.

I'm not doing it, Dana.

What?

No, I'm sorry, you know what?

I was wrong.

Salem is not a bully.

She is a swirling, soul-sucking black hole.

But I'm thrilled that Keychain is still on board, because it's still a great idea.

Even without Salem.

Oh, is it?

The author couldn't make her method work for her, but she's sure it'll work for you.

Should we put that on the front or the back cover?

You call me when she's on board.

I'm a love spreading difference maker.

I'm a...

[sniffing]

Slim Jims.

Oh, God.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now, tell me what you want.

I want you, Cash.

Good. Now say it again, using just your eyes.

Keep saying it.

Yes.

I'm Cash Bannister, creator of master the power of eye contact...

This is the worst porn ever.

It's not porn.

He is my spirit...

Cover up. I want to go to bed and you have a fashion show tomorrow.

I know, and I feel like celebrating.

You know what? It's been a really long day and I am ending it.

By flicking your bean to an infomercial?

Yeah.

Come on!

A day like this needs to end with a bang.

A real bang.

A sex bang.

I get it.

Salem, no.

♪ Feeling hard to say goodbye to our own best friend ♪
♪ Driving Hollywood Boulevard... ♪

From Johnny in the band.

I need another one for my friend.

Hey, can you call your sponsor?

She'd hate this place.

Atta girl.

[coughing]

Hey, send him one back, and use this.

See, if I did that, they'd call the health department.

You will probably get a song written about you.

You want a song written about you, Rags?

You gotta do something worth singing about. Dance on the bar naked.

Get Jason Priestly to go down on you in the bathroom with a mouthful of coke. God, this place is full of memories.

Listen, you got balls, rags.

I saw 'em dangling when you went all agro in the agency today.

They were hairy and hung low.

You're a fighter, Rags.

You don't have to tell me I'm a fighter. I know that.

But... you think I'm a fighter?

Oh, shit, yeah.

Man, I look at you, your life, that hairline.

And I think, man, if that were me, I would have...

[imitates g*nsh*t] a long time ago, but not you.

You're like the AIDS of people.

There's just no stopping you.

One more.

Hey, what's up with your TV boyfriend?

Oh, well, I'm sure you've heard of him.

Cash Bannister.

Uh-huh.

I mean, he's not my boyfriend per-se.

You guys bumping uglies?

Yes, no. Just one... well, two times.

But you know what, though?

Cash and I, we're on different trajectories.

And a monogamous relationship, I don't know.

Ah, he wants to bump other uglies.

So should you.

We're not all 5'11" swimsuit models, okay?

I don't walk into a room and have guys buy me drinks. So...

What about him?

Him? Um...

No, I...

From Sanjit.

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.

Finally, an Indian who's not a total d*ck.

[w*r cry]

[no audible dialogue]

Tallahassee, Florida.

The drummer from Creed.

Arms Wide Open. It was a huge hit.

[leaf blower blows]

No, no, no.

You two. Sorry, we're closed for a special event.

I am the special event, headset.

Salem, only an hour and a half late.

Quinn, meet our headliner, Salem Rogers.

Perhaps you remember her from the covers of Sports Illustrated, Vogue...

Or the Enquirer after she crashed a stolen hand glider into a Make-A-Wish kid riding a Ferris Wheel with Destiny's Child.

Why don't you go jerk off your tiny clitoris d*ck?

Ooh.

Pellegrino, now.

Do you have a b... Do you have a bathroom?

Did these woman eat the models?

I told you, it's all real people these days, Baby Cat.

These are the new models of Van Goth.

Don't worry.

Mama's here.

We'll see.

[growls]

Oh, thank you.

Come here often?

Hey, do you have to go back to work?

I am working. Salem's paying me $50 to write down everything...

People say about her.

That used to be my job.

I waited for you last night.

Um, I thought we were going out.

Oh.

Ate a large hot and sour soup on my own.

It's not that safe.

[music plays]

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Been around a couple of times ♪
♪ That don't mean I gotta get wise ♪
♪ Say I'm acting like a child ♪
♪ I'm a little too wild ♪
♪ Lost and found where is my mind ♪
♪ Searching every glass of wine ♪
♪ There ain't no sense in crying, no, no ♪

You're no Carol Alt.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

No one's saying anything.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

[gasping]

Somebody stop this!

Security!

Somebody!

[gasping]

You are coming with me!

No!

Shit, stick-shift.

[groans]

Salem!

Salem, I know things seem bleak, and you're at rock bottom, but this is the kind of thing Aggie Boyle would call "mistakerrific."

It means something you think is awful turns out to be wonderful.

Like a McRib.

Salem, let me take you on a journey of discovery and healing.

Our journey.

My new book...

Found something.

[gasping]

78,000 views?

It's only been five hours.

And @SalemRogersVagina has 2089 Twitter followers.

And Kylie Jenner was snapped wearing an "I Am Salem Rogers" T-shirt.

Those girls could really learn a lot from Aggie Boyle.

[doorbell rings]

Door.

You know what, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but people will forget.

They better not, this is f*cking mistakerrific.

[gasps]

Roberto!

Read.

Kitten, guess which panty palace called me after they saw your performance at Nifty's on-line?

Victoria's Secret.

[shouting]

[laughs]

Kidding, it was Silky Smooths, Canada's biggest seller of undergarments and long janes is coming to America, and they want you.

It's not Paris, but it's a start.

Better drop 20 pounds, fatso.

Kidding. Not kidding.

A campaign, Rags! We're back!

Glasses.

You know what, Salem, I know this seems like a good opportunity, but the journey we could take together in my book is gonna...

Shh, shh, shh.

To Rags.

I never would have done a crappy mall fashion show if it weren't for you.

A lot of people have let me down, Rags.

But not you.

You are hands-down by-far the best assistant...

I'm not your assistant.

Now, make an angry face.

[roars]

[speaks French]

I love France.

I got France in my pants!

Man, even tampon sounds pretty in French.

Tampon.

♪ I've got a girl that's been on my mind ♪
♪ I just been thinking about her all the time ♪
♪ I tell her something, something sweet ♪
♪ I tell her something that I like to repeat ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ I see you standing up over there ♪
♪ I see you looking like you're going somewhere ♪
♪ I want to tell you as you walk away ♪
♪ Some of these words that I wanted to say ♪
♪ She got it ♪
♪ She got it ♪