02x03 - The Psychology of Letting Go

[bunniefuu]

[###]

Oh, what are you guys doing together, just the two of you?

We're gonna raise money to help with the oil spill.

Making this display to show how serious the problem is.

Oh, yeah. Each drop represents 10,000 gallons of oil.

Ooh. Oh.

I'm so glad this overshadowed Haiti. I didn't have ideas for that.

Yay to having fun in pairs.

What up, party people?

You got a Band-Aid on your arm. Be careful shaving.

I wax, dummy. This is from a blood test.

Oh, no. I knew it. Things were going too well for you.

Oh, no, no, just a physical. Even a Ferrari needs a tune-up.

Are you guys moonshiners now? No, just the two of them.

We're raising money for the oil spill. Did you even know?

Uh, yeah, I have the AOL homepage bookmarked.

Did you even know about the ostrich that raised a tiger cub?

Troy, what's wrong? I just saw a dead body.

Told you not to use the east stairwell. My pastor said it's meth season.

You know I'm living with Pierce now, so this morning I went to do laundry in the garage and I found his mom, dead.

Oh. Troy, that's terrible.

Well, she had been in bad shape for a while, so I guess she crawled out there to die like a cat.

I've never been close to a dead body.

Shirley: Oh, pumpkin.

She was so cold and grey.

I saw her underwear.

[WHISTLING]

Jeez, who d*ed?

Pierce, we're so sorry to hear about your mom.

Why? Losing a loved one is always difficult.

What? My mom isn't dead.

But when Troy found her, he said...

Her heart, lungs, kidneys and brain have stopped working.

And another way of saying that would be?

She used up her organic body.

By dying in it.

Wrong. She's alive.

Mom was a part of my Buddhist church.

She's a Level Five Laser Lotus, same as me.

When a Level Five's body stops functioning, it's vaporized in the Temple of Renewal and stored in an energon pod.

In a few years, when our technology advances, they'll extract her body vapors, re-condense it to a solid.

Before you know it, Mom will be back in the kitchen making Troy and me sandwiches.

Heh.

[CRYING]

Shirley: Pumpkin. It's okay.

Oh, sweetie.

Did you guys hear about that turtle in China?

Two packs a day.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

If you guys let me get to the can opener, I can feed you.

We have to do something about Pierce. He thinks his mom isn't dead.

He's gone crazy. "...er"?

He won't even let us have a memorial service.

I was halfway done with the collage.

He hasn't cried yet. I'm told that's not normal.

Who's normal, Abed?

Baptists are, but that's beside the point.

Everybody has some service for the departed.

Eskimos, witch doctors, Jewish people.

Cool, we made the list.

The point being, death needs to be coped with, not ignored.

Otherwise why did mankind concoct all these religions?

You wanna rephrase that? Oh, I'm sorry, humankind.

You think you're real smart. Guys, guys, guys.

Did we learn nothing from last Christmas?

I don't see much difference between Pierce's religion and anybody else's.

You're not listening, because his has lasers.

You guys make fun of me for not caring about religion.

But at least I'm dedicated enough to not caring to let you have your own beliefs.

Can't Pierce have his?

Can't you be cool like me?

Hello?

He ends so many of his speeches that way.

Morning, guys.

Morning, Pierce.

How's Mom?

Pierce: Terrific.

Her body is being vaporized as we speak.

What does that feel like?

Pierce: It's the greatest feeling ever.

Like the second when the fudge on your sundae is still hot, or when you're the first one to break in a new boob job.

You're free from the burden of your earthly body.

It is a burden. Greetings, class.

I am Dr. Lan Duncan.

Now, I don't normally teach Anthropology, but apparently, Professor Bauer tried to strangle Mr. Winger and has been put on leave with pay.

So, what is anthropology?

Seriously, does anyone know?

You, in the boobs. It's the study of humanity.

Wow.

Wow, I thought psychology was a racket.

Well, well.

I heard there was a drunk limey teaching this class.

I'm not drunk and I can prove it.

I blew beneath the limit this morning. That's reassuring.

Also I would like everyone here to know that this man assaulted me last year.

And I have a restraining order, so I can have him expelled if he comes within...

Twenty-five feet.

Abed.

Abed: Yep.

Proceed, Dr. Teeth.

Britta: It is the single largest disaster in recorded history.

It is worse than 50 Exxon Valdez spills.

You don't have to yell at us.

Nobody is on the other side of this issue.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

And the pelicans are covered in oil.

Everyone likes pelicans. They bring babies.

That's storks.

Right. Well, we still like them. Heh, heh, heh.

Yeah, we do.

I'm gonna give you another 20. Aw.

Thank you so much.

[###]

I'm here for my test results, if you haven't framed them yet.

Hey, gorgeous.

Jeff, you have something very infectious.

What? Charm.

[LAUGHING]

You got me, Jackie. Seriously, everything looks great.

You're an incredible specimen.

Even your moles are shaped like little hearts.

Only thing I suggest, see a doctor.

And get a prescription for cholesterol medication.

What? Why?

Your cholesterol's a little high. No big deal. Eat some egg whites.

But I don't understand.

Wait, did I accidentally tell you you have AIDS?

I've done that before. I mean, it doesn't...

I treat my body like a temple.

I can't be the first person to tell you that the temple doesn't last forever.

I mean, it's made of hamburger. This is a Temple of Doom.

And like the real Temple of Doom, it represents the inconvenient fact that all good things, be they people or movie franchises, eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy, rotten piles of hard-to-follow nonsense.

I need to be alone.

Uh, you can do that by leaving.

Okay.

Let's get going.

These Paps aren't gonna smear themselves.

Jeff: There is no God!

Tell us how you really feel. Am I right?

[###]

Did you get the results of your blood test?

I'm fine. I figured.

Thank you for wising us up.

We were being judgmental about Pierce's religion.

But the fact is Jesus accepts... The fact is everyone's dying.

And we all have these notions that we're the exception, but we're as wrong as we are dead.

That's nice.

How's it going with the side project that the two of you are doing?

It's great. I made $236, plus Britta's makes...

Well, all totaled, we're close to 250, right, Britta?

Mm-hm. Greendale cares about this issue.

Yeah, I don't think that's it.

What do you mean? Come on, Annie.

Guys are giving you money because of the sexy schoolgirl routine.

I have a routine? Yeah.

The one where you use posture as an excuse to stick out your chest and you laugh at guys' unfunny jokes, pretending not to know that they have a sock at home with your name on it.

That's me.

And if a guy wants to make a puppet of me, that's hardly your concern.

I may just be an outsider here because I was never called to participate, but it seems to me that Britta's upset because she's raising less money than you.

I'm raising less money because I'm not jump-starting date rapists.

Ooh-hoo.

Bitter much? Say "bitter much" much?

Say "say 'bitter much' much" much?

[SIGHS]

It's not my fault. I used to wear a back brace.

That's why.

What's with the lava lamp?

It's not a lava lamp. It's my mom.

Oh, snap. Wait, what?

The temple finished vaporizing her. This is Mom's energon pod.

That's her vapor in those bubbles.

I'm sure that thing was free, right? Energon doesn't grow on trees, Jeff.

It's harvested by super bees in Buddha's meteor crater.

Which is at the foot of Mount Sky Mall in The Sharper Image Valley?

Sorry, I overslept. The sidewalk is more comfortable than it looks.

Drunk.

Shut up. So where did we get to yesterday?

You are drunk and stupid.

Actually, Ben, I do have a wee bit of a headache, so if you could just...

Isn't that interesting?

I have a right to be here, sir. You do, you do.

And I do hope you have very good hearing.

[GASPS]

Bastard.

So where did we get to yesterday? We were talking about humanity, which starts with birth and ends with death.

True, all life ends in death, which we as a species are cursed with knowing, resulting in... something.

Again, this is really not my field.

Professor, what would you say might be the difference between a religion and a cult? Why don't we open that to the floor since I don't know and the book for this class is expensive?

Well, I would say a cult might, for instance, sell you a tube of Jell-O and tell you your mother is in it. Jeffrey.

Are we thinly veiling personal conflict and passing it off as a lesson?

Because if so, please continue.

Reformed Neo-Buddhism is not a cult.

It is a new way of looking at the world, emphasizing empowerment.

Like a video game?

Yes, Troy, very much like a video game.

You gain levels and at a certain point, you actually can eat a ghost.

What? I wanna eat a ghost.

No, no, do not let him pollute your brain with this crap, Troy.

It's okay to ask questions.

Abed: I have a question.

Your mother went from solid to vapor. Do people ever take liquid form, like creatures in The Abyss or Children's Tylenol?

It's a good question.

Actually, when Buddha returns, we all take liquid form and merge into a shimmering ocean of knowledge, which, according to scripture, tastes like Hawaiian Punch.

Britta: Hawaiian Punch.

If you're curious, come to my church's Open Hive tomorrow.

You know, wine, beer and free credit checks.

How much wine and beer per person? Oh, come on.

We're having a con... What? Excuse me, is this Anesthesiology?

Yes. Yes, it is. Just go with this.

It's really sad. I've seen it.

Anything helps. Just anything you can give would be really...

I don't have...

[###]

Hey. I, like, need you to save the pelicans.

They're all feathery and pelican-y. I love them.

Thank you.

Wow, it really is easy to raise money when you sell out your gender.

It's even easier when you're not standing next to this: Hey, jerk. You're stupid. Give me money. I know more than you.

I don't know anything. I need boys. Saving the planet makes my back hurt.

I obviously don't need guys for anything.

That's why I wear stripper boots and eat only celery and mustard for lunch.

Oh, I never stop smiling. I never start.

My sweaters keep shrinking.

I get up an hour early to ever-so-slightly curl my hair.

[GASPS]

Yeah, you're both so different. Skinny b*tches.

Duncan: Hello, Billionaire Boys Club.

What happened in class today?

You pulled 40 minutes of anesthesiology out of your ass.

Yeah, I did. But I meant your elderly friend.

Man: Are you okay? Are you okay?

Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a doughnut?

I do not. How I got teased in grade school for dabbing my pizza with napkins?

I've suffered. ive denied myself. Mm-hm.

Because the rules said, if I did that, I would live longer.

But then, halfway through the game, I get this little update.

That it doesn't matter what I do.

I could eat powdered bran every day while you suck down pudding and I still might die first.

It's unfair. I want my doughnuts back.

Well, I think you're being a little childish and...

Hold on. I need to use my force field to prevent Chang from getting food.

[###]

[CHANG GASPING AND GRUNTING]

[CHANG GROANING]

Duncan: Now, where were we?

Look, the way I see it, while claiming to have no religion, you were actually devoutly worshipping yourself.

And now that your god has high cholesterol, you're trying to kick Pierce's in the balls.

You're right. All ive been trying to do is crush Pierce's faith to feel better about dying. And?

Now that I realize that that was my goal, I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.

There it is. Thank you.

Welcome. No, that wasn't what I was...

Actually, I don't care.

Hey, girls, guess who found Buddha?

Hey. Hey.

We're on our way to Pierce's Buddhist Open Hive.

First I'm taking these fellas for ice cream as an apology for questioning Pierce's faith.

Pierce says there's this 69th flavor I need to try. I am excited.

Hey guys, my car's over there. Cool.

Guess what. I'm not actually taking them for ice cream.

I am taking them to the county morgue where I have confirmed that Pierce's mother's very un-vaporized corpse will be lying on a stainless-steel slab for all to see.

Surprise. Welcome to reality. Welcome to death.

Have fun. Good luck.

Wow, you guys are real downers.

I can't believe I made out with both of you. Ugh.

I'll check the basket.

Sorry, I almost arched my back a little. I know you hate that.

I should count it, since I'm a calculating bitch.

No, I should, since I'm the one who's whoring out our gender.

Give that back. I'm gonna count it!

Let go! Give me that!

[BOTH SCREAM]

Ugh.

Oh!

Oh, yeah? You think this is funny? You think it's funny?

Get off of me. Come here, you little brat.

Annie: I'm a brat?

What the...? I hate you!

Now, this is why I came to America.

Troy: Maybe we should listen to some music.

No problem. I brought the jam book from the Pierce-mobile.

I could play some of the old stuff, but you guys would make fun of me. Heh, heh, heh.

So ill throw you a bone and put in some Loggins.

This ice cream place is far. Trust me, it's worth it.

What's this? This is Mom's handwriting.

Is that what you were doing in the garage, you silly goose?

She spent her last moments alive making a CD?

That is gangster.

Pierce's Mom [on CD]: Pierce, you've found the CD, which means I'm dead.

Vaporized. I'm not vaporized. I'm gone, Pierce.

Gone forever and that's how I like it.

Life is only worth a damn because it's short.

It's designed to be consumed, used, spent, lived, felt.

We're supposed to fill it with every mistake and miracle we can manage.

And then we're supposed to let go.

I can't force you to do that for yourself, Pierce.

But you can't force me to stay.

And if you unscrew the top of that stupid thing, you'll see it was made in China.

I love you, son.

Goodbye.

I'll play myself out.

[HIP HOP MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SIGHS]

Well, that proves one thing.

That woman was really losing her marbles toward the end.

You seriously still think she's in there?

Why wouldn't I?

No reason.

So where's this ice cream place? Yeah.

Oh. Um...

You know, I think I actually saw a better one back there.

The place I was gonna take you is kind of depressing.

[###]

Oh, can we get a little more sawdust on that storm gutter?

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry too.

I just got jealous of you.

No, but you totally called me on what I was doing and...

I only kissed Jeff to see if I could do it. I wanna be cool and sexy like you.

I can't believe how gross I am.

I only slept with Jeff because I hate myself.

That's why I got after you for raising money.

I'm twice as gross. No.

And you know the reason that we raised more money in five minutes of oil wrestling than in two days of fundraising?

Because men are even grosser?

And when we forget that, they win.

Both: Aw.

Pierce: Yeah, all right, all right, all right.

Yeah, do it.

Oh, so you got actual ice cream?

Yeah, with peanut butter and hot fudge.

What the hell, right? Nobody lives forever.

No offence.

Think what you want, it's a free country.

I barely saw you this week, Abed. What have you been up to?

Not much. Hm.

What? Whoa, busted, 25 feet.

Which puts you in violation of this restraining order I filed against you for abusing me with your restraining order.

Ah!

Mutually assured destruction.

Well played, Chang. Thank you.

That... That means a lot.

Do you mind getting a quick photo of me with the oily co-eds?

Centre button. You're the man. Okay. No problem.

What, what?

[IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

He's not a projection.

He's the British guy pretending to be Tom Berenger.

It was a mislead.

That's the whole point of Inception, subversion of reality.

He hasn't seen it yet.