02x06 - Epidemiology

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Halloween: A time of vampires, hobgoblins, Draculas, boogens and headless mice. I'm George Takei. You know what? Let's just get to it.
[ABBA'S "WATERLOO" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
How is it? Pretty good taco meat. I wonder how the dean scored this sweet spread.
DEAN PELTON: Ah-ah-ah. Chef Gaga never reveals her caterer. And don't try reading my pa- pa- pa- poker face.
JEFF: It's m*llitary rations from an Army surplus store. I didn't read your poker face, you left the containers in the garbage.
DEAN PELTON: Oh, well, um, you guys have fun. I'm gonna go take out the garbage.
BRITTA: You may also want to adjust your iTunes setting. When it's not playing an endless loop of ABBA's greatest hits, it's playing what may be your personal voice memos.
DEAN PELTON: What?
DEAN PELTON: [on recording over speakers]: note to self: Get oil changed. Check Netflix for that movie where Greg Kinnear plays a ghost. No, an angel. And something called Human Centi...

[ABBA'S "WATERLOO" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
JEFF: David Beckham. Dragon turtle?
BRITTA: T. Rex. Man, I wonder how much effort you put into being accidentally handsome for a costume every year.
JEFF: Half the effort you'll be putting into eating and drinking. Let me help you, dragon turtle.
ANNIE: Guys, Shirley's costume is once again unwittingly ambiguous. I don't know what she's supposed to be, but she's not Miss Piggy. I repeat, she is not Miss Piggy. You're on your own.
SHIRLEY: Hello. Guess who I am.
BRITTA: Umm. Can't you just say?
SHIRLEY: No.
[GROANING]
ANNIE: Pierce, are you okay?
PIERCE: Huh? What?
JEFF: Whoa. Hey, if you get any more sweaty and puffy, your costume's gonna reach authenticity. Oh, I don't understand. Shut up.
ANNIE: He's acting like the impression of him we do behind his back.
SHIRLEY: "What?"
ANNIE/BRITTA: "Where am I?"
JEFF: “Where's the black boy in the uniform?"
PIERCE: Leave me alone. Get away from me!
BRITTA: Oh, man, just when you think it's funny.
ANNIE: Pierce? Okay, okay. Okay. Excuse me, I think my friend is really sick.
STUDENT: I'm not a doctor.
RICH: I'm a doctor. Annie. Rich, from pottery class.
ANNIE: Oh, hey.
RICH: Oh, hey. Wow, this looks serious. Let's get him over here.
ANNIE: Okay.
RICH: Boy, he is just not in very good shape, is he? But you look fantastic.
ANNIE: Oh, thank you.
RICH: Look at you, with your hood.
[ABED HISSING]
WOMEN: Right, between... Oh, my God. What is it?
TROY: Get away from those hotties. [IMITATES MACHINE-g*n FIRE]
[WOMEN GROAN]
TROY: You're safe now. If that thing comes back, I need one or both of your phone numbers.
WOMAN: Yeah, right. [IMITATES ROBOTIC MACHINERY WHIRRING]
TROY: I don't get it. How do you do it?
JEFF: Well, I'm wearing a $6000 suit, and you spent three days making cardboard robot armor.
TROY: You’re saying they feel sorry for you?
JEFF: I'm saying I remind girls less of taking their little brothers to Comic-Con.
DEAN PELTON: Rich.
RICH: More? Put her with the others. Hundred and two. This may be food poisoning.
DEAN PELTON: Rich, what did I tell you?
RICH: To rule out food poisoning.
DEAN PELTON: Yes. But also not to say the words out loud.
STARBURNS: Who wants to walk my plank, huh? Hey. [SCREAMING]
RICH: Okay, I'm ruling out food poisoning.
[ALL SCREAMING]

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪

[ABBA'S "S.O.S." PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
CHANG: Guess who I am.
BRITTA: Michelle Kwan?
CHANG: Wrong.
JEFF: Kristi Yamaguchi?
CHANG: Peggy Fleming. Just been proven r*cist by the r*cist prover. Hey, guess who I am.
BRITTA: Drink.
JEFF: Have you noticed a weird vibe taking hold of this party? It's like every fifth person is on something seriously hard-core.
BRITTA: Yeah, I wonder who's holding the key to your riddle.
TROY: Hey.
ABED: Hey. Where's your costume?
TROY: I'm trying something new.
ABED: But our costumes go together. And if you’re not in yours, I'm just a guy in a spandex suit and a helmet.
TROY: Well, I'm a sexy Dracula.
ABED: You mean vampire.
TROY: I don't need to know which Dracula I am to be a Dracula. Nerd.

RICH: Your symptoms are progressing even faster than everyone else's.
ANNIE: How much of that taco meat did you eat, Starburns?
STARBURNS: I didn't eat any. My name is Alex.
ANNIE: Whatever it is must have transferred through Pierce's bite.
RICH: My God, I think you're right. Annie, you make quite the little nurse.
ANNIE: Thank you, Rich. You're quite a banana.
STARBURNS: Jeez, why don't you guys just get a...? [GROWLING]
[ANNIE SCREAMING]

DEAN PELTON [OVER PHONE]: But the only people getting sick are the ones eating what I bought at your surplus store.
MAN #1 [OVER PHONE]: I never said the stuff was delicious, but you can't get sick, it's nonperishable.
DEAN PELTON : What about the taco meat stuff?
MAN #1: The what?
DEAN PELTON: The classic flavor?
MAN #1: Huh?
DEAN PELTON: The one with the goofy label. Here.
MAN #1: What goofy label? What are you...?
DEAN PELTON: “Classified Phoenix. If found, repeat key phrase, echo, tango, x-ray, nine, nine, seven." Yeah, sounds delicious. Anyway, it looks like taco meat and...
[STATIC CRACKLES OVER PHONE]
DEAN PELTON: Hello?
MAN #2: Greendale Community College?
DEAN PELTON: Speaking.
MAN #2: This is Special Operations Officer McHenry.
DEAN PELTON: Hi.
MAN #2: I need you to listen to me very carefully.

[ABBA'S "DANCING QUEEN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
SHIRLEY: Okay, one hint. I'm a beloved character from our childhood.
JEFF: I can't stop seeing it.
BRITTA: I know.
[GROWLING]
SHIRLEY: Leonard, behave. I'm a Christian woman. Leonard, you better back that pumpkin ass up or I will make a pie.
RICH: Hey, Jeff. It's me, Rich, from pottery class. Doc Potterywood, remember?
ANNIE: Rich, bigger fish. There's an infection at the party making people act weird and bite each other. We need to coordinate an evacuation without causing unnecessary panic.
[VICTIM SCREAMING]
TROY: Holy crap, Leonard's a zombie.
ABED: Zombie att*ck!
[STUDENTS SCREAMING]
ANNIE: Never mind.
STUDENT: Oh, my God.
JEFF: Um. Um!
DEAN PELTON: I'm sorry.
STUDENTS: Open the door!
DEAN PELTON: I've been told we need a little baby quarantine until the Army gets here.
STUDENTS: The Army?
DEAN PELTON: I know, right? They said to wait for six hours. Stay strong.
ABED: Guys, I hate to be the "we've got company" guy, but...
CHANG: Hey, guess who I am. Or don't.
JEFF: Head to the back!
[STUDENTS SCREAMING]
TROY: You punched a lady bee.
JEFF: Let go of the door, you little bitch.
CHANG: Welcome. Oh, thank God you're all right.
JEFF: Shirley, door.
CHANG: Oh, he did it.
JEFF: Okay, did we lose anybody out there?
ANNIE: No.
JEFF: Is anybody hurt? No.
JEFF: Last question, and I know it's a long sh*t. Did anybody shut off the dean's playlist?
DEAN PELTON [ON RECORDING OVER SPEAKERS]: Two percent milk, eggs, deodorant, Puppy Chow, black light, whole milk...
JEFF: Okay.
DEAN PELTON: Cotton swabs.
JEFF: It's officially a waking nightmare. DEAN PELTON: Add Eat Pray Love soundtrack to workout mix.

JEFF: [INTO PHONE] When are the police coming?
WOMAN: Help is on the way.
JEFF: Hello?
WOMAN: Help is on the way. Help...
JEFF: Hello? Flavor Flav was right.
SHIRLEY: It's the end of days.
CHANG: It can't be the end of days. It's not 2012 yet. It's not the end of days.
RICH: It’s not the end of days. It's a rabies-related pathogen affecting the prefrontal cortex of the brain, causing hyperaggression. It could take years to take over the world.
ANNIE: How many years?
RICH: One, one and a half.
CHANG: 2012, end of days.
SHIRLEY: End of days, end of days.
RICH: Good thinking, Jeff, vertical fold.
JEFF: You making fun of me? That jacket is worth more than the island you were grown on, Chiquita MD.
RICH: Chiquita MD, I like it.
JEFF: Rich, this is a good time to let you know I hate you.
TROY: Shouldn't we be barricading the room?
ABED: I don't know. These guys don't seem so... I will help you.
RICH: Wait, before you barricade us in, I need to ask if anyone has been bitten.
CHANG: You bit? Huh? You bit?
RICH: This pathogen is spread through bites. If anyone has been bitten and you allow us to seal ourselves in here with you, you're putting us all in danger. All right, go ahead.
ABED: Nice. Okay, I got the middle. Barricade.
BRITTA: Are we really just gonna sit here?
SHIRLEY: Army's gonna be here in six hours.
JEFF: Why six hours? Are they hosting the Oscars?
CHANG: Damn. And the winner for Best Adapted Oscar Burn: Jeff Winger for Oh, Snap: The Man Who Went There.
RICH: Those people don't have six hours. Judging from the temperatures, in three hours, they're gonna suffer brain damage. Three hours after that, they're gonna be dead.
ANNIE: What? We have to do something for them.
JEFF: Do something for the zombies?
ANNIE: If we lower the temperature of the building, would it break the fever and k*ll the virus?
RICH: It might.
ABED: I know where the thermostat is, out on the wall. Troy, we have to rise to the occasion like Ripley and kick butt.
TROY: I'm not Ripley, Abed. I'm a cool, sexy Dracula. I make love to ladies and I survive.
JEFF: I'm with Troy.
ANNIE: Guys, those are not zombies. Those are our classmates and they're sick.
TROY: They can make us sick by biting us. The banana said so.
RICH: It's true. The incubation only takes minutes. You get a stomachache, then your skin turns red. Followed by cold sweats, muscle spasms, high fever. Then the uncontrollable urge to bite uninfected flesh.
SHIRLEY: Oh, Jesus.
RICH: And I forgot one symptom. Slurred speech.
[ALL BUT RICH SCREAM]
JEFF: You got bit!
RICH: I felt like maybe I was special.
BRITTA: Special? You're not special. I'm special. I was bit 10 minutes ago and I'm f...
JEFF: Oh, great. Nobody's special! Hey, Rich, just so you know, I hate you less now. That's how much I hate your normal self.
CHANG: You have to destroy the brain. [ANNIE SCREAMING]
CHANG: Hamster! A hamster!
JEFF: Way to go. Run, run!

[ABBA'S "GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! (A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
JEFF: Head for the stairs!
CHANG: Look out.
SHIRLEY: What about Annie?
JEFF: Don't look back.
SHIRLEY: Why not? Oh!
CHANG: Shirley. Don't look back.
ABED: We have to go help them.
JEFF: You can't help them by getting bit.
CHANG: It's occupied. Occupied.
SHIRLEY: Oh, this is how I die, as Miss Piggy.
CHANG: You're not Miss Piggy. You're Glinda the Good Witch.
SHIRLEY: You knew? Just so you know, I’ve always loved Peggy Fleming.
CHANG: You're not a r*cist.
SHIRLEY: Mm-mm. Mm? Mm.

JEFF: Get in. Get in. Oh, cool. A dark basement. I was just thinking we should be doing this in a dark basement.
ABED: Troy, why did you ditch your costume?
TROY: Why bring that up now, Abed? We might die down here.
ABED: All the more reason to get this ironed out. You called me a nerd. What defines a nerd? Committing to a costume with your best friend, is that what nerds do?
TROY: I don't know, because I'm not a nerd, so I'm not taking part in this conversation.
[CLATTERING]
JEFF: Shh! Nerds! Did you hear that?
[CAT SCREECHES]
JEFF: Jeez! [LAUGHS] It was just a cat. Let's keep moving.
[CAT SCREECHES]
TROY: Holy crap.
[CAT SCREECHES]
JEFF: What is up with that cat?
TROY: Is someone throwing it?
ABED: Let's keep moving.
[CAT SCREECHES]
JEFF: Let's not keep moving, because there is an insane cat down here.
TROY: But what about the zombies?
JEFF: Back burner, Troy. This cat has to be dealt with.
[CAT SCREECHES]
JEFF: There it is, grab it!
ABED: Get him. Let's go through there. Door should lead upstairs, the thermostat...
JEFF: Enough with the thermostat, Abed. This is not "pretend playtime, save the world" time. It's quarter past "let's get the hell out of this building" time.
ABED: There. There's a window. If we climb that dusty fence, we can hoist against the wall and then squeeze through it.
JEFF: I vote we take the door.
ABED: He doesn't wanna dirty his suit.
TROY: For real?
JEFF: Clothes make the man, Troy. What the...? Hey!
[JEFF SCREAMING]
JEFF: That's my jacket. My jacket, you're stretching it. You're stretching it!
TROY: Go back, go back, go back.
ABED: Don't stop. Keep going.
TROY: Move, move!
ABED: Now drop down, drop down. To the gate, to the gate. Go.
TROY: I'm not going without you.
ABED: Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end. Go, go, go.
TROY: Abed. I love you.
ABED: I know. [TO ZOMBIES] Make it fast.
TROY: No!

DEAN PELTON: Ah! Okay. Troy, be honest. Are you a zombie? I will mace you.
TROY: Give me the keys. Those people are gonna get brain damage if someone doesn't help.
DEAN PELTON: Troy, there is something called chain of command, so unfortunately... No. Are you crazy? How are you gonna survive those zombies?
TROY: I'm gonna be a nerd.
DEAN PELTON: Better have a plan B.

[ABBA'S "MAMMA MIA" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[IMITATES ROBOTIC MACHINERY WHIRRING]
TROY: That's right. Prepare to meet the power of imagination. Okay, I don't know why I thought this would work. Hey, get off me! Get off. You're so strong. God, I hate this! Get off. Stop using your mouth. Hello, zombie Annie. What big fists you have, in your face. Beam this up, Scotty. In your face. Zombie Shirley. I don't know what you are, but in your face! Abed, we're friends. Abed, no! Ah! Britta. Okay, okay. I’ve been bit, y'all. Damn. Congrats. You did what zombies do. Jeff. Still cool as a zombie.
JEFF: [GROWLS] Mom.

[ABBA'S "FERNANDO" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
ARMY OFFICER #1: Out of the way, out of the way, out of the way!
ARMY OFFICER #2: Lock down perimeter!
ARMY OFFICER #3: We got movement inside.
ARMY OFFICER #4: You're Dean Pelton?
DEAN PELTON: Speaking. Wow, six hours on the dot.
ARMY OFFICER #4: Yeah, well, practice makes perfect. You the only witness?
DEAN PELTON: I am.
ARMY OFFICER #4: All right.
UNKNOWN ARMY OFFICER: Hey, we got uninfected in here.
ARMY OFFICER #4: How many are we talking?
UNKNOWN ARMY OFFICER: Think it might be all of them.
ARMY OFFICER #4: All right, scenario B. Repeat, scenario B. Let's dose these suckers.
DEAN PELTON: Dose what now?
ARMY OFFICERS: Going in. Go to scenario B.
[SPRAYING GAS]

ABED: I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember anything. It's not bad, right?
ANNIE: There you go.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: So you remember nothing past your decision to be Lady Gaga?
BRITTA: I can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.
CHANG: I can't believe it wasn't me.
JEFF: I can't believe I believe you. And I don't.
TROY: Wanna watch a movie?
ABED: Sure. Aliens, cyborgs or zombies?
TROY: I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies.
ABED: Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy. How about something light?
TROY: You seen Marmaduke?
ABED: No. Cool, cool, cool.
NARRATOR: And so Troy and Abed went back to the dormitory for a viewing of Marmaduke. I'm George Takei. And if your name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cell phone. Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message. You're welcome, Kevins. Happy Halloween.

TROY: Voice mail?
WOMAN [ON RECORDING]: October 31 st, 11:20 p.m.
CHANG [ON RECORDING]: Troy, this is Chang. There's not much time. I don't think we're gonna make it. Listen, if you survive, please spread this message for me: Shirley and I totally did it.
SHIRLEY: [ON RECORDING] Chang, what are you doing?
CHANG: Nothing.
[SHIRLEY SCREAMING ON RECORDING]
CHANG: Gotta go.
TROY: Why did he call me?

Submitted and corrected by: Geneva