Doctor: I see you brought your wife along for moral support.
Russ: Yeah. She's here to make sure I go through with it.
Doctor: No one likes getting cut down there.
A vasectomy's a very simple procedure.
An incision is made above the testicles.
We sever the tubes, then we seal them.
That's it. No more sperm in the ej*cul*te.
How cool is that?
Russ: So cool.
Doctor: May I ask what birth control method you're currently using?
Russ: Oh, uh, abstinence.
Lina: Condoms.
Russ: But mostly abstinence.
Doctor: What made you decide that a vasectomy is the right procedure?
Russ: Oh, I didn't decide.
This was pretty much all her.
Doctor: Really?
Lina: I just don't want him going off and starting a new family.
He can barely afford the one that he has.
Russ: Wow. You know what? While you're down there, just take the whole thing off. I don't need it.
Lina: I'm comfortable with that.
S01E03
The Getaway
Russ: Yeah, I think Lina feels bad about the whole surgery thing, so, she's taking me on a little romantic getaway.
Jess: Oh.
AJ: Oh.
Jess: It's like a... vasectomy-moon.
Russ: I guess.
AJ: One last trot around the track before you're carted off to the glue factory.
Jess: Who's watching the kids?
Russ: What? You are.
Jess: What?
Russ: Dude, that's...
Jess: Since when?
Russ: We talked...
Since...
Jess (Laughing): I'm messing with you.
AJ (Laughing): Looking so dumb.
Russ: So not cool.
No, I'm just excited for the hotel sex.
We haven't had real sex in our own bed since, like, the kids.
Jess: Mm.
Russ: I feel like hotel sex is the only thing that's left anymore.
Jess: Oh, yeah.
I would k*ll someone for hotel sex.
Shep doesn't even look at me anymore.
AJ: Jess, what do you expect? You married an old guy.
Jess: No, that's not what it is. It's that I'm, like...
I annoy him. Like, I'm annoying.
Oh, thanks, assholes.
(Laughter)
Do you know that I told him the other day...
I went up to him, and I was, like, "I've been sexting the neighbor," and it was just, like, nothing.
AJ: Wait. What?!
Russ: You sexted the neighbor?
Jess: We were just joking around.
But his wife... she has no sense of humor.
AJ: Oh, she doesn't like you sexting her husband? She's terrible.
Jess: She doesn't want other people to be happy?
That's messed up.
AJ: Totally.
Jess: Right.
Russ: Yeah.
AJ: She's really unreasonable.
Jess: You shut up.
You... what time are you dropping your kids off tomorrow?
Russ: No idea.
AJ: Whenever, man.
What is time?
Jess: Thanks, brah.
Russ: I wish.
(Lina and Jess laughing)
Russ: Thank you guys.
Shepard: All right.
Jess: Have fun!
Lina: Okay.
Jess: And don't worry about your children.
Shepard: Hey, is it okay if we take 'em for ice cream?
Lina: Honestly, I don't care what you feed 'em.
Russ: Feed them rocks.
Shepard: Got it. Rocks.
Russ: Bye. Thanks again.
(Car horn toots)
Charlene: Excuse me. Do you have a second?
Shepard: Uh, look, Jess is sorry about texting your husband.
She just... she gets carried away.
Uh, but it's never gonna happen again.
Jess: I'm sorry.
Shepard: She's sorry.
Charlene: Marco never came home last night.
We had a fight, and he's not picking up his phone.
Have you guys been in contact?
Jess: No.
I swear, we have not.
Total bitch, right?
Shepard: Yeah.
Lina: Are we crazy for leaving our kids with that psycho?
Russ: I don't know. Shep's sort of normal.
Lina: He married her.
Russ: Open my wallet right now.
Look inside.
Tell me what you see.
(Lina gasps)
Lina: What?!
A condom?
Russ: Right?
Not only a condom.
The last condom.
The very last condom that you and I will ever use together.
Lina: The end of an era.
Russ: Indeed.
Russ: Wow.
Lina: I know.
Russ: Can we afford this?
Lina: I got a groupon.
Russ: 'Cause you're the best.
Lina: I am.
Russ: Wow.
Lina: I feel like this place is gonna make a k*ller Margarita.
Russ (Whispering): What's with all the khaki?
Lina: Oh.
"Welcome Nordoff Worldwide."
We're at a company retreat.
Russ: I can work at Nordoff.
Lina: You wouldn't last five minutes at Nordoff.
Russ: I could be a businessman.
Lina: Uh-uh.
Russ: Pork futures.
Lina: Really?
Russ: It's the future of pork.
Lina: That's not what futures is.
Russ: Hi. I'm David Nordoff. This is my wife Gail.
(Lina laughing)
We're about to use our last condom, so...
Lina: Sorry.
Russ: Do not disturb.
Russ: The guy gave it to me.
Thought I put it in the bag.
Lina: I know better than to trust you with a key.
Kim: Are you serious?
Tyler: No.
Kim: Did you lose the key in two minutes?
Tyler: No. Hey.
Russ: Hey.
Tyler: No, I think I gave it to you in the lobby.
Kim: No, you did not!
Tyler: I'm pretty sure I did, though.
Kim: No. Look.
Remember, the guy gave it to me...
Kim: And then... then the guy took all our stuff...
Kim: No.
(Lina sighs)
(Toilet flushing)
(Door opening)
Lina: Hey.
Russ: Hi.
What, uh... what happened to the thing I got you?
Lina: Um... I took it back... and got this.
Russ: It looks good.
Lina: So... want to do it?
Russ: Sure.
Ow. Your knee is...
Lina: What?
Russ: Oh, it's fine. I think I need you to...
I need you to warm me up or something.
Lina (Whispering): My jaw's getting sore.
Russ: Oh, sh*t. I fell out.
Lina: Oh, we can get it back.
Russ: No.
Lina: Come on.
Russ: I can't.
Lina: Oh.
(Lina groans)
(Russ sighs)
(Tyler and Kim moaning on other side of wall)
(Bed squeaking)
Russ: Oh, my God.
(Tyler moans)
(Russ sighs)
Tyler: You like that?
Russ: I mean...
Tyler: You like that? Huh?
Kim: Yes. Oh.
Lina: Can they hear us not having sex?
(Loud moaning)
Russ: Oh, look. It's the screamers.
Lina: Oh, man.
Her ass is so tiny.
Russ: Mm-hmm. It is.
Lina: Does that get you hard?
Russ: It probably would.
Lina: Well, look at it.
Lina: Whew!
Kim: Are you guys with Nordoff?
Russ: Uh, as a matter of fact, yeah.
Yeah, I run the, uh, green tech division.
I replaced Peterson. His wife...
Lina: He's lying to you.
Kim: Oh. (Chuckles)
Russ: Sorry.
He's... we're on a romantic getaway.
Kim: Oh, wow.
Lina: What about you guys?
Kim: Uh, I'm-I'm at Nordoff. But Tyler's my plus one.
Lina: Oh.
Tyler: I'm a constant plus one.
Kim: No, he's a really... actually a great chef.
Lina: Really?
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Tyler: Well, I mean, like, not technically yet.
Like, I'm not a chef yet.
Kim: Well, you're going to be.
Kim: We're gonna, um, open a restaurant so I can quit my stupid job.
And call it TK's.
Russ: We used to have a TK's.
Our own little TK's.
Lina: Yeah.
Russ: Little surf shop in Venice.
Tyler: Cool.
Kim: Oh, wow.
Lina: It was a really bad investment, but it was super cute.
We did all right for a little while.
Lina: No, we didn't, actually, but it was fun.
Kim: You know, while you're young.
Tyler: Yeah.
(Doorbell rings)
Charlene: I need to talk to your wife.
He's ignoring all my calls and texts.
I'm so sorry. I don't really understand how I could help here.
I thought that maybe, you know, he'd respond to you.
Jess: I think probably that should just end, don't you?
Charlene: No. No, you know, just... just can you communicate with him?
Like, the way that you communicate with him?
Shepard: I believe she's asking you to sext her husband.
Jess: All right, I don't think that that's a very good idea.
Shepard: She would love to help you.
Russ: So apparently they just make a small incision just right above the testicle and then they go in with two metal pliers, basically, and stretch the incision out a little bit, pull the two tubes out...
Tyler: That sounds awful, man. It sounds bad.
Lina: You feel a pinch.
Tyler: Remember when we, uh... when we fixed Brutus?
Kim: Oh, God. God, that was really sad.
Lina: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Russ: What happened?
Tyler: I mean, at first, nothing.
He just walked around the apartment humping everything like normal and then...
Kim: He humped a lot.
Tyler: One day the humping just stopped.
I mean, it's like he... he realized that there was no point anymore.
So now he just sleeps all day on the couch.
It's a bummer.
Kim: Aw, he's a good dog.
Tyler: He is.
Well, I'm pruning up. We should get back to the room.
Kim: Yeah.
Lina: Good luck with chef school.
(Moaning through wall)
(Bed squeaking)
Lina: Do you want to try again, honey?
Russ: No.
Lina: Oh, come on. You want to?
Russ: I need to take a walk.
Ina: Okay, baby. I'm going to wait here.
Russ: I bet he's got his finger in her ass.
I bet he's got his thumb, like...
Right up there.
(Moaning continues)
Tyler: Hey, dude.
Russ: Hey.
Tyler: Kim's taking a nap.
Russ: Yeah, Lina, too.
Tyler: Yeah. Guess we wore 'em out, huh?
(Both chuckle)
Russ: You-you know it.
Tyler: Can I get one of these?
Do you like cars?
Russ: Yeah.
Tyler: Check this guy out.
Russ: Nice.
Tyler: Yeah, right?
Russ: Wow. That a road runner?
Tyler: Yep.
Russ: Early '70s?
Tyler: Uh, '69.
Russ: Mm, second year they made 'em.
Tyler: Wow, dude.
Droppin' knowledge. Impressive. You're a lot cooler than I thought.
Russ (Chuckles): Thank you.
Oh, that's really beautiful.
Tyler: A man can dream, right?
Russ: How far away is it?
Tyler: Not far.
Russ: You want to go check it out?
How much are they asking?
Tyler: Eight grand.
Russ: No.
Tyler: Yeah.
Dude, I mean, this thing's got to be worth three times that.
Tyler: I mean, I guess they just want to get rid of it.
Russ: Aw, sh*t.
If I was your age, I would go for it.
I mean, you have no kids, no mortgage.
A wife with a good job.
I mean, look at this thing.
Oh, it's so sweet, dude.
Tyler: Eight grand is a lot of money though.
It's not though. I mean, if you have it and you can do it...
I don't know.
I would do it.
Tyler: Can you believe it?!
Russ: I feel so cool.
Tyler: Dude, this is my muscle car.
Russ: Dude, congratulations.
Tyler: Thank you.
Russ: This is awesome.
Tyler: Yeah.
I just want to really and sincerely thank you for helping me pull the trigger on this.
I never would've done it unless I met you and you, like, pushed me to do it.
Russ: No. Sometimes you just need that push, you know?
Tyler: Chef school can wait.
I mean, Kim will get it, right?
Russ: What?
This was your chef school money?
You said it was a good investment.
I can get, like, three times what I paid for it, right?
Russ: I mean... yeah.
I'm not exactly an expert, so, you know, I...
It's just, you know, with the...
You know, economy.
(Tyler whoops)
Charlene: So, uh, how does it usually start?
Jess: I don't know. This is weird.
It never went that far. We were just joking around.
What did you guys joke about?
Jess: I don't know, just stupid... like, "oh, neither one of us are having very much sex, like, um, with our partners."
Shepard: Well, maybe you could joke about that right now.
'Cause it's funny.
(Jess sighs)
Jess: "Shep... is asleep...
On... the sofa.
What are... you up to?"
(Phone chimes)
He knows that he's not supposed to text me, so he's not going to respond, okay?
Charlene: Okay.
(Phone dings)
Is that... is that him?
Jess: Um...
Shepard: "Just thinking about you."
That's so sweet.
"Wanna play?"
(Phone chimes)
(Phone dings)
"Only want to play if it's dirty."
"Thinking about... your balls."
Jess: No, you're not. No. Mm-mm.
Shepard: Well, change what you don't like.
Jess: "I've been a very bad girl.
Forgot... to... wear... panties.
Uh-oh."
(Phone chimes)
(Phone dings)
Shepard: "Sounds like you need to be punished."
Okay, so, working off of that, how do you think you should be punished?
Seriously.
Charlene: Yeah.
Jess: Okay, fine.
"I deserve to be tied up."
Shepard: That's right. Eh, uh...
Jess: "And... peed on"?
Shepard: See, now that sounds right.
(Phone chimes)
Charlene: What is wrong with you people?
Shepard: Excuse me.
We're trying to help you.
Jess: Okay, can we just regroup for a second?
We were just joking around.
Nobody was ever gonna act on anything, okay?
(Phone dings)
Shepard: "Let's meet up."
How 'bout that?
Charlene: Yeah, okay.
Yeah, let's do it.
"I'll be there.
Pick a place.
Getting excite...
Getting wet.
Gushing...
Thinking about it."
(Phone chimes)
(Phone dings)
Shepard: "Valley Oak Bar, north Hollywood.
On my way."
Charlene: Okay, let's go.
Jess: Let's not, let's not.
(Shortgh) Let's not.
Jess: Not him.
It's not him.
Shepard: He's late.
I don't think he's coming.
Jess: Yeah.
Charlene: Well...
Maybe... maybe he's not, but maybe... maybe I should be sexual messaging neighbors.
Maybe that will get his attention, you know?
Or maybe I'll go brunette.
Maybe I should just shave off all my hair... pubes, too.
You know, maybe I should get boobs, but... maybe I'll just get bigger drinks.
Shepard: I think it might be time to cut Charlene off.
Jess: Oh, you think so?
Shepard: And get her home.
Shepard: You know what, sweetie? Charlene and I were talking, and I just explained to her that sometimes people send texts and just, like you said, this is not... he's not gonna act on it, and it's...
Jess: Right.
Charlene: Right.
Shepard: He's not gonna show up, and you have nothing to worry...
But we'll just... We'll get, we'll get her a cab and she's... gonna go home.
Charlene: Yeah.
Shepard: It's gonna be okay.
Charlene: Thank you.
Jess: Oh, oh, you know what...
Shepard: Yeah, okay.
Charlene: Thank you.
Shepard: Okay.
That was weird.
Jess: Yup.
Shepard: Yeah.
I said it's gonna be fine, but I don't think so.
Jess: No.
Shepard: No, I-I don't think those two are gonna make it.
Jess: I don't think so, either, especially since he just showed up at this bar.
And I waved him off.
And that was that.
Shepard: You're smooth.
Jess: I'm very smooth.
Are you still mad at me?
Shepard: No. No, no... no.
Jess: No, you're not, because you kind of like it when I get us into these jams... that's kind of your thing.
Shepard: I knew who I was marrying.
You're really a lot of trouble.
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Lina: Where are those guys?
Kim: I don't know.
Sounds like a real bro-fest.
Lina: Russ always makes friends.
(Engine rumbling)
(Horn honks)
Tyler: What do you think? Huh?
Kim: Is that your guys' car?
Lina: No.
That is definitely not ours.
Tyler: I just bought this.
For us.
Kim: For us?
Well, I mean, like, I have my whole life to go to chef school, so...
Kim: You bought this stupid piece of sh*t for us?
Tyler: Well, it's not a stupid piece of sh*t.
Lina: Um, it's a...
It's a really a beautiful car.
Russ: It is, it's-it's, it is a... it's a '69.
Lina: Really?
Russ: Which... yeah, which was one of the first...
Lina: Wait, this is a '69?
Russ: Which was one of the first...
Kim: What about the restaurant?
Lina: That makes it even cooler.
Kim: That was our future.
The restaurant's still our future.
And, uh, Russ was saying that we should live in the now.
Lina: You know, restaurants usually fail within the first year, anyway, so...
Russ: They do, within the first year... some within six months.
Lina: He could actually be saving you money.
Russ: And you know what? You guys... you know, this is the time to-to ride free.
You know, with, like...
Lina: Once you start having kids... you're never gonna have a chance like this again.
Russ: Yeah, unencumbered.
Did this moron talk you into this?
He told me it was gonna be a really good investment.
Russ: That's not... No, you know what, I never actually, I, we didn't...
Did you just call my husband a moron?
Yeah, if he made my husband buy this car, then he's a moron.
Lina: Uh, my husband can't make anyone do anything.
Russ: That's true, I...
Lina: 'Cause my husband would never do anything this stupid.
Russ: Wait.
Lina: And if he did, he certainly wouldn't blame it on anyone else, right, honey?
Russ: Right.
Kim: I don't... I don't need your sad, boring old couple advice, okay?
I'm doing just fine alone.
Tyler: Babe, you should just take a ride in it.
(Lina and Russ laughing)
Russ: Do you remember when we were that dumb?
Lina: Baby, you're still that dumb.
I know, but that's how you like it.
Lina: I do.
Russ: Real dumb.
Lina: So dumb.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
So dumb.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
(Russ grunting)
(Lina screaming)
Oh, oh, my God!
Russ: Oh.
(Both moaning)
(Both breathing heavily)
Lina: Oh, yeah.
(Laughs)
(Laughing)
Can we do it again?
Russ: I don't...
We're out of supplies.
(Lina sighs)
(Knocking)
Russ: Uh, you don't happen to have an extra condom, do you?
Kim: Who the hell is that?
Tyler: Uh...
Lina: How did it go?
Russ: Barely felt a thing.
Doctor: Oh, hey, guys, uh, before I forget... no masturbating for 48 hours.
Russ: No problem.
Lina: You're never gonna make it.
Russ: No, not a chance.
01x03 - The Getaway
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"Married" revolves around a long-time married couple, who are reminded that their close friendship is what drew them together in the first place, as they try to salvage their marriage.
"Married" revolves around a long-time married couple, who are reminded that their close friendship is what drew them together in the first place, as they try to salvage their marriage.