01x05 - Am I Doing the Right Thing?

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on "I Am Jazz"...

I think it's time for you to have a book signing.

It's changing little kids' lives all over the world.

Thank you.

Once you share your story and put yourself out there, you can never go back to being a normal 14-year-old girl again.

It's a lot of pressure.

I've been told I'm not a very good mother because I allow Jazz to be an activist.

Am I being a good parent?

We're gonna keep you, little guy.

Greg: I consider us an ordinary family with some extraordinary circumstances.

I thought of it as an oddity.

I was devastated.

Jeanette: Jazz asked me, "what am I?"

And she would say, "Mommy, am I a boy, or am I a girl?"

This is my sister.

She's a girl.

She's a girl.

She's a girl.

I am transgender.

Greg: We love her just the way she is.

I am a girl. I am an artist. I am Jazz.

Jeanette: Hey, Jazz?

Jazz: Okay.

Look!

To Jazz.

Who's this from?

I have no idea.

Jazz is the leader of the trans kids movement and we get letters from all over the world, from people sharing their stories.

"Dear Jazz, enclosed is a letter from my 5-year-old transgender daughter Ella."

"Dear Jazz, we hope you are having fun.

We got 'I Am Jazz.'"

They saw Jazz on either YouTube or on the television or read the book, and they realized they weren't alone.

Wow. I'm just honestly, like, really stunned.

When we first wrote the book, I was not expecting this at all.

The book "I Am Jazz" came about when we were approached by my mom's friend Jessica and she suggested that we write a book about my life, to help other kids understand that it's okay to be transgender and that it's okay to be different and also to help peers, family, friends, understand, as well, in just simple terms.

It's being read all across the country, in classrooms, and it's just changing little kids' lives all over the world, really.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Just sometimes I don't feel like I deserve amazing letters like this.

You do.

You deserve...

What did I do?

You were the brave little girl that stuck up for herself.

How is that being brave?

You've never had it easy. You forget.

You had to sit on the sidelines while your friends played soccer.

You said, "I love soccer. I'm not gonna give up and I'm gonna be out here, playing, until I get my way," and you did.

I was 2 years old when I told everyone that I was a girl because I was a girl and, I mean, is that really something that people should call me brave for?

There's so many transgender kids out there who have it so hard, get bullied, are depressed.

So I mean, I've had it pretty easy, having such a supportive family.

There's so many people that would be like embarrassed to talk out and say, you know, "I'm transgender. I'm proud."

There's a lot of kids that are not proud to be transgender and they hate it.

And that's the reason that you're a wonderful spokesperson for transgender kids, because you're willing to go out there and do what you had to do.

There's no doubt that Jazz is under more pressure than your average 14-year-old.

She's got this side that is a very ordinary, everyday teenager, but then, she has this other side of her life that she shares with the public, and I just want to be there for her and encourage her as much as I can.

Speaking of, I think it's time for you to have a book signing, where you have some kids there where you can read the book to them, 'cause that would be really sweet.

Jazz is a pillar of hope for people.

I think it's so important for Jazz to do a book signing, for her to see that she's making a difference.

People love your book. People love you.

And it's even better when you're reading it to little kids.

Mm-hmm. I'll do a book signing.

Are there good restaurants around there that we could eat at after?

There are.

[Changes accent] Let's go out to eat after, after, after.

It's always about the food.

Food like makes me happy.

[Laughs]

Anybody want some fried onions?

No, I'm fine, honey. Thank you.

Look at all the food she eats.

Lunch with Ari is terrific.

She's just in from college and we're so excited to have her to ourselves.

Now that you're back from school for the summer, how was it?

First semester was a little rough, but I ended strong, so that's good.

Now you're back home in the setting that you left.

So how does that feel?

I like being around the family again 'cause I miss them, of course.

Tell us about Jazz.

She always looked up to you.

Does she seek advice from you?

Yeah, for sure.

And she knows she can, so.

I feel like we're getting closer and closer as she gets older, just 'cause she understands more like what I've been going through about everything.

Like "what do you do about this? How did you do that?

What was it like when you were like this?"

And you don't resent that she's in the limelight?

Yeah, no, she's doing good things.

And you got the twins.

The boys are getting older, so they're going out more and...

And they have a car.

This is a gift, a new responsibility for the twins.

But...

Clearly, I'm not gonna be driving it, is what he just said.

The boys just started driving and they're getting this new car and I'm just like "wow!"

I just didn't know that like Dad trusted them so much.

How did you handle that?

I mean, I didn't get like superangry.

I just like told Dad how I felt about it and then the boys were like "blah blah blah!"

And I was just like, "I was just saying how I felt to Dad."

And Dad expressed how he felt?

I mean, he obviously went towards the boys' side 'cause I don't really know when he doesn't.

I kind of feel like they get special treatment from my dad sometimes.

I just think he's able to relate to the boys a lot more, just 'cause they're boys.

And my dad takes them out to like sports grills 'cause he knows like I don't really want to go watch sports.

But it sometimes bothers me.

I want to go to dinner sometimes with my dad.

I know it must be a difficult adjustment.

Your father rules the roost, but I know you're gonna handle this summer well.

It's obviously gonna be rough 'cause I've been away, I've been changing, learning about myself.

Well, that's the most important thing.

Ari has grown tremendously.

She opened up to us like she's never opened up to us before.

We got to know our granddaughter.

Yeah. Weren't you afraid she was gonna be bored, a little bit, with us? She wasn't.

Absolutely.

We had a great time.

Absolutely.

We're so glad to see you here for the summer and we hope we can get together a little more.

Yeah, you guys live here now.

Yes, we do.

Yes, we do.

And we're gonna take advantage of it.

You're gonna get tired of seeing us.

[Laughs]

Look how beautiful this is.

It's gorgeous.

Here, you have to try, while it's still hot.

Mmm.

So, Miss Ari's back.

My kid has so much stuff.

It's crazy.

Like I worry about her. I worry about the twins.

Jazz I worry about a little more.

Like I have this book signing coming up for Jazz.

Oh, you do?

I am feeling a little bad, because I know Jazz is down on herself right now, but it's so very important for her to be out there, sharing her story and engaging face-to-face with people.

We want to help other people and here's a book that helps so many kids.

It's, I mean, in the news and it's just out there.

People are buying it for students, they're reading it. It's fantastic.

It's helping children that are depressed.

And she's this little hero and I just like question myself all the time like "is this bad?

Is this bad for her?"

Because I allow Jazz to be an activist, in the spotlight.

I have to look in the mirror and wonder, "are they right?

Is there validity in what they're saying?"

And a part of me knows that a little part of what they're saying can be true.

I want to see her be the voice for many trans kids that don't have a voice, and that's a lot of pressure to put on her.

As a parent, should I be like, "you know what?

Just go to school, be with your friends.

You shouldn't be doing this"?

I just don't know.

Are you okay to do the book signing?

I don't know.

You just have so many people who are looking up to you and I don't want to let people down.

It's a lot of pressure.

Hey, Petunia. How you doin'?

I'm okay.

I just wanted to make sure you're doing all right.

I know that it hasn't been an easy adjustment for Ari.

I'm her boundary, so to speak.

But I just love her and I'm just trying to give her some parental guidance along the way.

Nothing's bugging you?

I mean, to like come back and have to like be living under your roof and like your rules and stuff, 'cause I was not, for a whole year, it's just like I have to get used to it 'cause I haven't been here.

And then the fact that you've only had like kind of three kids here is like you got used to that, so it's kind of like you have to remember that I'm here, too, sometimes.

Do you feel like we're treating you fairly?

It's overwhelming and I'm not trying to fight with anyone.

I just didn't think it was 100% fair.

It seemed like you were unappreciative and the fact of the matter is, if you weren't comin' home, I would not have gotten that car.

No, and I know that. That's why I don't want... I didn't want to come off like that at all.

But the boys are getting things before I ever did or ever even thought I would.

I think brothers and sisters tend to compare.

They want to be treated equally, but it's not really possible.

I just really want you to like hear me out sometimes.

Like it's really just my feelings and I want to be able to express them, you know?

I've never stopped you from saying how you feel.

I don't want to fight. Like I hate fighting.

I hate yelling at people.

That's not something I enjoy doing.

I want my dad to just respect me and hear me out, even though he might see me as just a rebellious college student.

I think, in general, I guess maybe sometimes I misunderstand how you feel, so I gotta do a better job of listening more to what you're saying.

That's a fair deal.

Mm-hmm.

I don't think any conversation with the kids gets fully complete and resolved.

I just want Ari in a good place with me and her family and I think we both agreed that we would see each other's perspective and try to respect those down the road.

All right.

We love having you back.

Oh, look, she's so cute over there.

Yay!

Hi!

Today, we are meeting with Jessica to go over details of the book signing and just make sure everything is set and organized and put together.

I don't know if you like any of this stuff.

We love this.

My name is Jessica Herthel and I'm co-author of the book "I Am Jazz" and I'm a close personal friend of Jazz and her family.

Well, remember when we first made the book and we were gonna self-publish it?

And I said, if we ever sold 400, that, for me, was the goal.

I can't believe like thinking 10,000 little people holding the book.

Jessica: When my three kids met Jazz for the first time and I explained to them, in a very basic way, what "transgender" meant, Jeanette and I saw how quickly they were able to get past it.

I said to Jeanette, "there should be a book out there for parents who want to have this conversation, but don't know how."

Are you guys still getting letters from around the world?

We got a letter from a girl who read the book and she was like 5 years old and she was transgender.

And then Jazz got very emotional because she got into this funk where she's like, "I'm not worthy of this.

Like I didn't do anything, other than just be myself."

So what did the letter say that got to you?

It wasn't just like the letter.

It was just like there's other kids out there who have it so much harder and they're still living through every single day, even though they face discrimination, their own family doesn't accept them, and everyone looks up to me.

Hmm. It's a lot of pressure.

I think that, for Jazz, being a teenager is a lot harder, just because she has a lot on her plate, not just with her own transition, but knowing that there are so many other trans kids and adults who look up to her as a role model.

So many trans youth who are closeted, that is all they are, because it consumes them.

Like the secret or the shame is almost everything.

And I think that what's so great about your story is you show that it's just one part of who you are and you can have this normal life and you can have friends and pool parties and birthday parties, and I think people love to see just how regular your life is.

I think anytime Jazz talks about the book publicly, she internalizes a lot of people's expectations.

That's a lot for an adult to take on, let alone a 14-year-old girl.

Are you okay to do the book signing?

You look like...

I mean...

I don't know.

Do you feel like the pressure is getting intense right now?

Once you share your story and put yourself out there, you can never go back to being a normal 14-year-old girl again.

You're always gonna be a role model and there's always gonna be someone who looks up to you and quitting would mean that you're letting someone down.

Sometimes it does feel like, "wow, I've really changed this person's life," and then I feel like it sets a standard for myself, that I have to keep changing lives.

All you have to do is just be you, and that's enough.

And anytime you feel like you don't want to do it anymore, you don't have to.

That's what people love.

Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

And if you leave the public eye, the book will live on.

Yes, forever and ever and ever.

That's so cool.

You got enough books?

I think we have enough books to start.

What's your name?

Lucas.

I feel like a massive dork, but you're kind of my hero.

[Laughs]

You look beautiful.

You need any help?

Yes. Can we set up some more chairs?

You got enough books?

I think we have enough books to start.

Today is the book signing and I'm a little hesitant because you just have so many people there who are looking up to you and have high expectations and I have high expectations for myself and I really just want to reach them and, hopefully, captivate everyone that's there.

All right, good luck.

Okay, thank you.

Good afternoon and welcome to Books & Books.

My name is Ketsia and I'm a part of children's department here.

Today, we have Jazz Jennings and Jessica Herthel and their book, "I Am Jazz."

[Applause]

"I am Jazz!

For as long as I can remember, my favorite color has been pink.

My second-favorite color is silver and my third-favorite color is green."

"Mom said that being Jazz would make me different from the other kids at school but that being different is okay."

We're so proud of this family.

They've listened to their child and they've brought Jazz along in an amazing way.

I don't want it to sound like we overglorify, but we're as blown away, by watching this process, as anybody could be.

"Inside, I'm happy.

I am having fun. I am proud.

I am Jazz."

[Applause]

Wow.

So, we are open for questions.

You have a question? Yes.

I don't really have a question, other than to just say thank you, 'cause we're going through that transition now and it's exciting times and it's also, you know, challenging times.

And I just want to thank you, because you've kind of forged that for us and this book has been very helpful for that.

Just wanted to echo what my husband said.

We would not be such a well-adjusted family, if it weren't for you and your well-adjusted family.

We feel like a normal family and that's because of you guys.

So, thank you.

Jessica: Thank you so much.

Greg: It hasn't been an easy road for us, but we really felt compelled to share Jazz's story, so that others wouldn't have to endure a lot of the things that we had to go through.

To see a loving family doing right by their child just makes it all worthwhile.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Let's sign books.

Thank you.

Do you guys want to come around and give Jazz a hug?

You guys are both dressed so cute today.

Thank you so much!

Great to meet you.

Could you write this "to Dawn"?

So, is it Gracie now?

It's officially Gracie?

It's Gracie.

I love your outfit, Gracie.

Thank you.

You guys are amazing.

Hello.

What's your name?

Lucas.

There you go, Tahlia.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you.

Come on, sweetheart.

Can I take a break?

No, you can't, 'cause people are wanting to leave.

Unless it's an emergency.

It's an emergency.

I just need to take a break for one moment, okay?

I think that what Jazz does is she puts a very human face on this often very misunderstood topic and, I think, gives other trans kids the idea that "happiness is something that's within my reach."

It's so brave.

Hello.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's fine.

I'm Lucas. Huge fan.

I feel like a massive dork...

Aw, that's so nice.

Really?

One time, in kindergarten, they said, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" And I was like, "a boy."

All the adults freaked out and I was like, "okay, I will never say that again."

Aw.

Hello.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's fine.

I'm Lucas. Huge fan.

I feel like a massive dork...

Aw, that's so nice.

Really?

You want to sit down and talk?

I would love to sit down and talk.

Jazz is very inspiring and really helped me normalize a lot of the things that I'm going through and when I have to talk to people about myself.

I, uh... I mean, I've known that I was transgender like my whole life.

You're transgender?

Yes, I am.

Wow.

I remember one time in kindergarten, they said, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

And I was like, "a boy." [Chuckle]

There was this whole thing.

All the adults freaked out.

And I was like, "okay, I will never say that again."

Aw.

So, when I started going to therapy, I got your book.

And it's targeted more towards kids, but like you've made it very easy to talk to people, 'cause I've found that they all reference, they're like "oh, okay. Like that girl Jazz I've seen?"

And I'm like, "yes!"

Really?

It like makes it normal and having your book, back when I was 5, 6, or 7 would've just changed it for me and maybe could've helped someone like my mom understand.

Being able to speak to my parents at a younger age about feeling male, trapped in a female body, would've spared me just the heartache of having, every day, to present as female and hear the female pronouns and be this person that I didn't feel like I really was.

Was it hard for you to like go through puberty?

'Cause I know, if I went through that, I would be like devastated and I know, for a lot of female-to-male transgender people, their worst fear is getting their period and then, they get their period and it's like the end of the world, right there.

Um, yeah. I didn't tell my mom for three months.

I was a mess. I wouldn't leave my room.

If I could've read Jazz's book when I was 5, my life would've been completely different.

I'm not that much older than you, but I'm older than you, right? So it wasn't like as visual, you know, as it is now.

People like you are paving the way and making it visible.

I just... thank you.

Just in general, for being you.

Awesome.

I'm really glad you came up to me, cause, every time I hear someone telling me that I've like changed their life and really made a difference, it like makes me tear up. It's like, "wow.

This is something I have to keep doing."

Meeting Lucas has showed me that we all have our unique experiences and struggles.

It was awesome to meet you.

Oh, my gosh. It was so great meeting you.

But, in the end, it's a process of finding our authentic selves and that's how we relate to each other.

Bye. Thank you.

Bye.

Everything was worth it, in the end, if you could change at least this one person's life.

Thank you, everybody! Love you! Oh!

[Upbeat music plays]

It's moments like this that reaffirms the fact that what I'm doing by Jazz is right.

You were so amazing.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

She's doing great work and, you know, not that many people, at age 14, are making that much of a difference in the world.

Whee!